]> qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1 T-Rex: Today is a beautiful day to be stomping on things! As a dinosaur, stomping on things is the best part of my day, indeed! T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: What's that, little house? You wish you were back in your own time? THAT IS TOO BAD FOR YOU T-Rex: Perhaps you too will get a stomping, little girl! Utahraptor: WAIT! Utahraptor: Is stomping really the answer to your problem(s)? T-Rex: Problem(s)? T-Rex: My only problem(s) have to do with you interrupting my stomping! T-Rex: (in small text) crazy utahraptor! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=10 T-Rex: I have felt the harsh sting of my own racial joke turned against me! Luckily, I've been saving a joke for just such an occasion. T-Rex: All of those hours of thinking up insults for hypothetical enemies has finally paid off! T-Rex: So, my racist joke somehow backfired on me. Dromeciomimus: I hope that's the last time you ever say that sentence. T-Rex: Well, I've made up my own joke to get him today. All I need to do is "find that Utahraptor!" T-Rex: I hope the Utahraptor is around here somewhere! My legs are giving tired. Utahraptor: I'm behind you. T-Rex: There you are! Knock, knock. Utahraptor: Who's there? T-Rex: Utah. Utahraptor:*sigh* Utah who? T-Rex: Utaught me how to be a stupid jerk! T-Rex: And I was a very good student! Utahraptor: Do you even listen to yourself? T-Rex: No, but-- see, I learned it from you! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=100 Narrator: A JOURNEY TO THE MOON Narrator: A RARE PROPOSITION T-Rex: I propose a journey to the moon! Narrator: SEVEN YEARS LATER... T-Rex: I have constructed a rocket-ship for myself and a guest of my choosing! The wood from this house will provide the fuel! Dromiceiomimus: May I be your guest? T-Rex: I will give your offer my consideration? Narrator: ON THE MOON... T-Rex: Lunar women are good for stomping! Utahraptor: Thanks for choosing me, T-Rex! Narrator: A RETURN TO EARTH! Utahraptor: Let's do that again sometime! T-Rex: I concede it easily! Narrator: A NEW DAY DAWNS... T-Rex: Now, where is my wallet? T-Rex: OH SHIT! T-Rex: IT IS ON THE MOON qwantz.com/index.php?comic=100 Narrator: A JOURNEY TO THE MOON Narrator: A RARE PROPOSITION T-Rex: I propose a journey to the moon! Narrator: SEVEN YEARS LATER... T-Rex: I have constructed a rocket-ship for myself and a guest of my choosing! The wood from this house will provide the fuel! Dromiceiomimus: May I be your guest? T-Rex: I will give your offer my consideration? Narrator: ON THE MOON... T-Rex: Lunar women are good for stomping! Utahraptor: Thanks for choosing me, T-Rex! Narrator: A RETURN TO EARTH! Utahraptor: Let's do that again sometime! T-Rex: I concede it easily! Narrator: A NEW DAY DAWNS... T-Rex: Now, where is my wallet? T-Rex: OH SHIT! T-Rex: IT IS ON THE MOON qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1000 Narrator: FOUR YEARS AGO: T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for being remembered! My lovely visage, callipygian frame, startlingly awesome calves and charming smile will yet go down in history! And how will I be immortalized? T-Rex: I will be immortalized by kicking an evil kangaroo one thousand times. Right in the bum! T-Rex: And YEAH, kicking a kangaroo in the bum has PROBABLY been done before, but never one thousand times! That's the secret to immortality: pick a direction and go SO FAR OUT in it that anyone who points to you will have to say, "Here, this is as far as anyone needs to go." Then, hey presto, you're immortalized! You're the dude who kicked an evil kangaroo as often as evil kangaroos could ever need be kicked- probably more often, actually. Utahraptor: So you're going for recordbook immortality? T-Rex: Crazy utahraptor!! T-Rex: I'm going for STUNT immortality. I'll just keep kicking that kangaroo until even if somebody wanted to catch up, they'd look at my record and say "Well, THAT'S totally not worth doing". Utahraptor: I guess, if that's how you want to spend your life. T-Rex: IT APPARENTLY IS Narrator: FOUR YEARS LATER: T-Rex: Aw shoot, I was supposed to be kicking kangaroos all this time! GOD: LOOKS LIKE PEOPLE WILL JUST REMEMBER YOU FOR TALKING A BIG GAME MY FRIEND T-Rex: I will take what I can get!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1001 T-Rex: I've thought of the best story! Oh goodness. This story will make me RICH. It will make me PRIME MINISTER of being rich. I will be awarded a doctorate in APPLIED RICHOLOGY. T-Rex: I can only hope the world is ready for it! T-Rex: So BASICALLY in the story there's all this build up about this kid whose parents named her Crime and how she grows into her name and becomes this big arch-criminal! The cops are powerless to stop her, even the really really good ones. ESPECIALLY the really really good ones. Anyway it's narrated in the third person and at the end of the book Crime goes out on a few dates with the narrator and then he abruptly stops writing because he's all cheezed at her. The end! Utahraptor: But - why is he all cheezed at her? T-Rex: Because he always has to pay for everything! T-Rex: Get it? Because CRIME DOESN'T PAY!! Listen, my story has both a hilarious twist ending and also an important message regarding the paying of crime. T-Rex: Dear mental diary that everyone can hear: Utahraptor was so impressed with my book idea that he forgot how to talk! Utahraptor: I didn't forget how to talk! I just forgot how to shoot down your idea politely! T-Rex: Utahraptor!! DON'T LISTEN TO MY DIARY! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1002 Narrator: DATING TIPS COMICS Narrator: now featuring: tips i found in this one book! T-Rex: Here are some HOT TIPS FOR FIRST DATES, cats and kittens! T-Rex: Okay! The first tip is this: to find out if your date is REALLY into you, all you have to do is push a salt shaker over to their side of the table! If he's interested in you, he'll pick it up and play with it, but if he's NOT interested, he'll push it back to your side. The salt shaker represents your feelings, here, okay? And playing with a salt shaker represents ROMANTIC INTENT. Utahraptor: That's stupid! It's semantically overloading practical actions. T-Rex: See, I thought so too! T-Rex: But I just thought I was crazy, because why would someone put out a dating book if all they had were sucky tips that can TOTALLY FAIL if the guy just wants saltier, and therefore tastier, fries? I could write a better dating book. IN FACT...! Utahraptor: Aw no, no, you don't - Narrator: MEET SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T SUCK THEN TRY KISSING THEM Narrator: A BOOK THAT WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1002 Narrator: DATING TIPS COMICS Narrator: now featuring: tips i found in this one book! T-Rex: Here are some HOT TIPS FOR FIRST DATES, cats and kittens! T-Rex: Okay! The first tip is this: to find out if your date is REALLY into you, all you have to do is push a salt shaker over to their side of the table! If he's interested in you, he'll pick it up and play with it, but if he's NOT interested, he'll push it back to your side. The salt shaker represents your feelings, here, okay? And playing with a salt shaker represents ROMANTIC INTENT. Utahraptor: That's stupid! It's semantically overloading practical actions. T-Rex: See, I thought so too! T-Rex: But I just thought I was crazy, because why would someone put out a dating book if all they had were sucky tips that can TOTALLY FAIL if the guy just wants saltier, and therefore tastier, fries? I could write a better dating book. IN FACT...! Utahraptor: Aw no, no, you don't - Narrator: MEET SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T SUCK THEN TRY KISSING THEM Narrator: A BOOK THAT WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1003 T-Rex: It's been three days and neither "Life of Crime" nor "Meet Someone who Doesn't Suck" have made me rich. MAYBE I AM NOT THAT GREAT AN AUTHOR?? T-Rex: Or maybe PEOPLE are not that great an audience! Dromiceiomimus: Or maybe you have to wait longer for a book to turn a profit! T-Rex: Or MAYBE I should be happy that I basically wrote two books in as many days, and got them published in an afternoon, and that's kinda impressive even if they aren't selling that well so far?? Utahraptor: Or maybe if they were selling well, you wouldn't know it yet! T-Rex: THAT'S RIGHT! T-Rex: Maybe I really am great, just impatient, and when I get home tonight there'll be a sales report in the mail showing how my books are now TEN TIMES MORE POPULAR THAN THE BIBLE. It would make sense, since they have like twenty times as many jokes in them! Utahraptor: Maybe? God: OR MAYBE I JUST DIDN'T PUT MANY JOKES IN THE BIBLE BECAUSE OF TRANSLATION ISSUES. T-Rex: Hey everyone! You know what needs more jokes? ONLY EVERY RELIGIOUS TEXT EVER!! God: AW MAN - NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH ALL THESE RAISED EXPECTATIONS qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1004 T-Rex: Alright! Time to start some INTERNET BUSINESSES. T-Rex: For profits! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: easydudes.com! T-Rex: It's an easy way for you to meet new dudes! If you move to a new town and want to meet some dudes then you can go to the site and then you can meet some. On the COMPUTER! Dromiceiomimus: It sounds a little more like a service to hook people up with sexually permissive and sexually available dudes, T-Rex! T-Rex: Drat! It DOES. Another brilliant idea ruined by a hilarious double entendre. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Okay, so my new idea is to give the homeless access to mail, email, and a phone number! Utahraptor: Nice! Utahraptor: It can be hard for the homeless to get jobs when they can't provide callback information, so this will be a useful service. Good show, T-Rex! T-Rex: Yes, thank you! I think the world will be altered positively by BumAccess4All Dot Net. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: There! Now I've got a certificate from the mayor that says I'm not allowed to name anything ever! T-Rex: THAT should finally straighten up some things around here! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1005 T-Rex: Descartes was a dude who wrote "Cogito ergo sum" which means "I think, therefore I am". PRETTY NEAT, cats and kittens! T-Rex: But also...PRETTY FLAWED?? T-Rex: The whole deal with "I think, therefore I am" is that Descartes is all "DAAAAAAMN, I can't be sure of ANYTHING! My senses are flawed. All I know for sure is I keep STRESSIN' about this stuff!" and then his girlfriend is all "If you're so hung up on this then you must exist, huh baby?" and Descartes is all "Yes. That is true. I will write this down in Latin." T-Rex: That is how it went down. Utahraptor: So what's the problem, besides your unnecessary storytelling? T-Rex: Descartes' girlfriend! T-Rex: She's making a huge logical leap! It's indisputible that thinking is going on, right, but we don't know for sure that Descartes is doing the thinking! All we know for sure is that thinking is going on. Utahraptor: I agree! T-Rex: R-Really? Utahraptor: Yeah! You can't have thinking in a vacuum, so SOMETHING must exist if there's thinking going on... T-Rex " Utahraptor: ...but to attribute that thinking to yourself just because you're aware of it is an awful big leap for a skeptic to make! T-Rex: OH MY GOODNESS HOW DID WE JUST DO THAT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1006 T-Rex: Here are some things that DEFINITELY won't fit into my mouth. I tried! They won't fit. T-Rex: First off: dog breederies, solar panel processing plants, and giant cubes! T-Rex: Also: twenty cars on a stick. Sound stages, every library (individually AND en masse), medium-sized cubes that are still pretty big, lakes, beer-flavoured lakes, and beer-flavoured lakes in Minnesota. Dromiceiomimus: I know for a fact that on e of those doesn't exist, T-Rex! T-Rex: Doesn't exist in my mouth, that is!! Because it's too big? Utahraptor: Not much to talk about today, huh? T-Rex: What? There's plenty to talk about! Utahraptor: It's just, YESTERDAY you had some neat ideas about knowledge and existence, and today you're all "here are some things that don't fit in my big ol' mouth" and your TOTALLY LYING about trying them; I can tell. T-Rex: They dovetail together nicely. Utahraptor: I don't see how! Narrator: T-REX EXPLAINS: Utahraptor: Ah, that makes perfect sense! Thanks, T-Rex! Now I know how digital timers work. T-Rex: You're welcome! T-Rex: Now, HERE'S how putting the things in my mouth ties in with existence. . . qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1008 Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH GOD HIMSELF QUOTES WERNER HERZONG. God: LIFE IN THE OCEANS MUST BE SHEER HELL T-Rex: I guess so, huh? God: A VAST MERCILESS HELL OF PERMANENT AND IMMEDIATE DANGER T-Rex: Yep! God: SO MUCH OF A HELL THAT DURING EVOLUTION SOME SPECIES - INCLUDING MAN - CRAWLED - FLED ONTO SOME SMALL CONTINENTS OF SOLID LAND WHERE THE LESSONS OF DARKNESS CONTINUE T-Rex: That's certainly one way of looking at it, right, Dromiceiomimums? Narrator: the end Narrator: COMICS FOR TEENS today's installment: "THE PRIVATE TOOTER" T-Rex: what do you call a teacher who never passes gas in public? Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: A private tooter! Narrator: SECONDS LATER: T-Rex: That was an extremely hilarious joke that deserved more laughter than it received. Narrator: the end. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1009 T-Rex: I went to the optometrist AGAIN last night, and AGAIN she said I might need to get nerd goggles! T-Rex: (She called them "glasses" but you can tell she was thinking "nerd goggles"!) T-Rex: The PROBLEM is that I define myself in terms of not having glasses! People are always "Oh. You're lookng for T-Rex? He's the green tyrannosaurus rex over there! You'll be able to spot him because he's so not wearing glasses." Dromiceiomimus: Aw, I think you'd look cute in them! I also think you can turn this around and make glasses your thing, you know? Narrator :SHORTLY THEREAFTER . T-Rex: Maybe Dromiceiomimus is right! Utahraptor: She usually is! T-Rex: I COULD get some pretty kick-ass glasses. Like glasses that say "WARNING: AWESOME DUDE" on them! OOH, or horn-rimmed 60s housewife glasses! Sweetness! Utahraptor: You'll have to wear them every day, so maybe you'll, um, want to see how they look before you commit? Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER: T-Rex: I'm here to pick up my prescription "Happy New year 2004" glasses! They have a plastic "2" on one side and a "4" on the other. Optometrist Clerk: Sir, you have made an unforgettable choice. T-Rex: I like you too, optometrist clerk! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=101 T-Rex: Here is a list of adjectives I would like to have chosen when describing me! T-Rex: 1) "Sated"! T-Rex: Second on the list: "alluring"! followed closely by "stompin'"! T-Rex: Fourth: "Callipygian", pronounced "kal-lip-pee-je-en" - adj: "having beautifully proportioned buttocks! T-Rex: i.e.: Me T-Rex: 5) "Magnanimous", which is- Utahraptor: Wait, aren't you missing one? T-Rex: Which? Utahraptor: "Onanistic"? T-Rex: I know what that means!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1010 Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX IS A PROFESSIONAL SINGER: T-Rex: Rock star! Narrator: ROCK STAR T-Rex: I'm a totally cool rock star! T-Rex: That's still awesome, right? It seems that 10 years ago people were more into rock stars and being rock stars than they are now. But I am a rock star and it is my job to sing rock songs on stage and in CD players!! Dromiceiomimus: Do your other rock star friends talk like that? Do they reference themselves as "cool rock star[s]"? T-Rex: Sometimes we do, Dromiceiomimus. BETWEEN ROCK SONGS, THAT IS!! Utahraptor: Hey, how come we never get to meet your rock star friends? T-Rex: Well - um... Utahraptor: Are you ASHAMED of us, T-Rex? T-Rex: No! They're just different people! You wouldn't get along. They like rocking and you - Utahraptor: I like rocking! T-Rex: But in DIFFERENT WAYS. T-Rex: Utahraptor, I've got to go practice rocking out now, but can we talk about this tonight? Utahraptor [offscreen]: No! You're being a jerk! T-Rex: Utahraptor! I'm super late for rocking out practice, okay? T-Rex: I'm gonna need you to respect the rock, okay? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1011 T-Rex: I have some bad news: zombies are in danger of becoming old hat! It's TRUE. But I have a solution to make them interesting again: all you need is stories where not just people but ANIMALS become undead! T-Rex: Zombie whales! T-Rex: But better than that: zombie BIRDS. Dromiceiomimus: Didn't Hitchcock make a movie about that? T-Rex: Upon inspection: basically? The birds DID want to eat people in his movie. But that's a scary concept, right? Birds hungering for flesh is bad news for everyone! T-Rex: It's, uh, it's especially bad for fleshy dudes. Utahraptor: You're dancing around the REAL threat here, T-Rex: ZOMBIE MOSQUITOES. T-Rex: OH T-Rex: MY T-Rex: GOD T-Rex: You're right! The infection would spread quickly and nearly invisibly! And mosquitoes already want blood, so it's not like they need THAT much encouragement to become zombies. Man! Utahraptor: I guess we can only hope that the insect kingdom never becomes zombified? T-Rex: I guess so!! Narrator: 28 DAYS LATER: Off-panel: Save us! Save us from the zombie butterflies! T-Rex: WEAAAAAAAK qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1012 T-Rex: Hello Morris! How are you today? Morris: oh hello there t-rex! it's super nice to see a friendly face today T-Rex: It's nice to see you too, Morris! Morris: aw shucks t-rex, you're a real good friend, you know that? a real good friend. anyway, you should be extra careful not to eat me today or anything because i guess i got turned into a zombie last night! today has definitely had its share of challenges for me, huh T-Rex: What?! Seriously? Morris: yeah! and i dunno what i did wrong because i went to bed like normal last night but when i woke up in the morning i had zombie disease! so it was real embarrassing Morris:but don't worry, i'm not going to turn you guys into zombies too! i wouldn't be a very good friend if i did that, and the book i got at the centre says that being a good friend is awful important! Morris:i always try to be a good friend, even though things pretty often don't work out very well for me in the end Utahraptor: Aw, Morris! You don't look very undead to me! Morris: aw, that probably just means i've messed up somewhere again. the problem is that i'm not real good at biting people, you know? and biting people is all zombies do! i didn't know, but being a zombie is an awful hassle Utahraptor: I'm pretty sure you're not actually undead, Morris! Normally zombies can't talk. T-Rex: Yeah, or work on their Life Challenges! I think you're FINE. Morris: you mean i'm doing that wrong too? oh goodness, i must be the worst zombie going. plus that book i got from the centre is way overdue! T-Rex: It's not too late to return it, Morris! Morris: but i promised the staff there that i'd be extra certain to return it on time! Morris: i guess i'm probably off your christmas card list this year, huh t-rex qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1013 T-Rex: I am jealous of physicist RICHARD FEYNMAN. T-Rex: Aaaand here's why! T-Rex: Dude made a joke about the 762nd decimal place of pi! At that point, there's a sequence of six nines in a row, and his joke was that he'd like to memorize pi up to that point, so that when reciting he could end with "9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9... and so on." Others had noticed it before FEYNMAN was the first to make a joke about it, and now his joke is encoded into the very fabric of the universe! Utahraptor: And that makes you irrationally jealous? T-Rex: Hells yes! T-Rex: Feynman has a JOKE encoded into pi - transcendental immortality in the circumference of a circle! That's something for the ol' resume, eh? Utahraptor: I guess! T-Rex: I'm gonna make my own universal constant joke now, and I'm gonna need you to tell people about it. T-Rex: So! Why do people start getting afraid at the 2501st digit of e? Because 7 8 9! There's a sequence of "789" that starts there, and it sounds like "seven ate nine"! This is definitely called "T-Rex's Hilarious e joke", okay? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1015 Narrator : T-REX AS AN OLD MAN COMICS T-Rex: Guys, I'm still the same T-Rex I always was! T-Rex: I'm even pretty well preserved: check it out, Dromiceiomimus! Barely any wrinkles! Domiceiomimus: That's nice, T-Rex. T-Rex: Also I've got my trademark "nice calves" and "young smile". I'm so old! AND YET, I'm so sexy! Utharaptor: Hey, you know what's rad? Old dudes not talking about how sexy they are. T-Rex: I'm young at heart! T-Rex: I just don't want to be one of those guys who let's being old be - all they do, you know? Being old is at best incidental to what I do, and what I do is BE TOTALLY RAD. Utahraptor: And totally self aggrandizing. T-Rex: And that! In between radness! My point is: I'm not old. Narrator: BUT SECRETELY, WHEN T-REX IS HOME ALONE: T-Rex : Gosh darn it! If these rappers spoke more slowly, we'd ALL be able to understand what they're saying. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1016 Narrator: WHAT IS THE BEST SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE COMICS T-Rex: "I love you"! T-Rex: No, too easy. Um - "I love you, AND ALSO, how about all these dollars?" Dromiceiomimus: How about "We have cured all diseases!"? T-Rex: No good, unless it's followed by "also, we've found new places for everyone to live comfortably; and hey, guess what: they're sweet new planets and we get there on starships, like from TV!" Utahraptor: I would have thought you'd choose something closer to "And THAT'S why they call me the widowmaker". T-Rex: That IS good! T-Rex: How about "Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around!" Utahraptor: It sounds a little like there's a bunch of female cannibals eating you. T-Rex: Okay. "Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around... FOR SEXUAL CONGRESS!" Narrator: HEY! HERE'S THE ONE TIME T-REX EVER SAYS THAT SENTENCE: T-Rex: Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around... FOR SEXUAL CONGRESS! Dudes: We're just a regular congress! Dudes: Also, we're dudes! Dudes: Also... PROCEED qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1017 Narrator: WHAT IS THE WORST SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE COMICS T-Rex: "Your mouth is full of cockroaches: many of them are dead, but those that aren't yet are throwing up on you, and each other." Narrator: SECONDS LATER: T-Rex: I'm sorry, everyone within the sound of my voice! That was disgusting! T-Rex: I didn't mean for that to be as gross as it was. I should have went with "I never loved you!". That's pretty bad, eh? Dromiceiomimus: Can cockroaches throw up? I think I read somewhere that they can't throw up. T-Rex: I think you're thinking of rats. Dromiceiomimus: Ah, that's right. Utahraptor: So, I guess we're not that into the "worst sentence ever" thing? T-Rex: No, no, we're into it! T-Rex: Here: How about "Everyone else on the planet is dead, and you will die only when you've fully mourned each and every one." Utahraptor: That's not bad! That's immortality for the self-centered! Narrator: HERE'S THE ONE TIME T-REX EVER SAYS THAT SENTENCE: T-Rex: Excuse me, sexual congress? Everyone else on the planet is dead, and you'll only die when you've fully mourned each and every one! Sexual Congress: That's terrible! Sexual Congress: Guys, stop sexing me for a minute!! I need to talk to this dinosaur. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1018 T-Rex: Chekhov's gun is when you have something conspicuously introduced early on in the story, but which doesn't become important until later on! It happens whenever Shakespeare loudly mentions how he loves Pop Tarts, and later he eats a bunch of Pop Tarts! Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique: CHEKHOV'S GUN T-Rex: It comes from this playwright Chekhov, who said that if you have a gun on the stage in the first act of a play, it had better be fired by the third! It's been used to sustain interest since forever: James Bond often gets a bunch of gadgets at the beginning of his movie which he'll use later on, and even Perseus got gadgets from the GODS to kill Medusa with! It's the same idea, only Bond's better because he has more explosions. Looks like you lose, Perseus!! Utahraptor: So if you have Bond getting gadgets that he doesn't use, that's not Chekhov's Gun? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: That's just FRUSTRATED EXPECTATIONS. Honestly, why give James Bond a gun that shoots piranhas if he's never going to fire it? People truly want to see that in action. Also: guns that shoot chainsaws. Utahraptor: I'd like to see your Bond movie. T-Rex: I WOULD TOO, darn it. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! T-Rex: Shakespeare, which is better: a gun that shoots chainsaws, or a gun that shoots EVEN BIGGER GUNS? T-Rex: Shakespeare? T-Rex: Aw, come on! There's strawberry frosting all over "As You Like It"! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1019 T-Rex: I am not a dude who loves big companies. T-Rex: ...Sometimes I like their products? T-Rex: But I don't feel chummy with Microsoft, or that Sony is going to come over, eat pizza with me, and talk about the women he likes! No. Sony is going to come over, ruffle through my CD collection, then call the cops on his cell phone. Sony is going to write swears on my bathroom mirror with lipstick and blame it on Nestl?. T-Rex: SONY is going to be stone cold sober the entire time. Utahraptor: But let me guess: there's one big company you really like? T-Rex: There is indeed!! T-Rex: NINTENDO. I guess they got me when I was young an uncritical, but I really LIKE them, you know? When they do well, I seriously think, "Aw, that's nice. Good for them!" Utahraptor: When multinationals do well, I usually feel like that's bad news for me. T-Rex: Me too! But not with Nintendo! T-Rex: You know what would go down if Nintendo came over? I'd sat "Oh hello, Nintendo! It's so nice to see you again!" T-Rex: "Aw shucks! I guess it IS true that you're never too old to hug, Nintendo!" T-Rex: "Nintendo, I just... I JUST WISH I HAD A SISTER YOU COULD MARRY." qwantz.com/index.php?comic=102 T-Rex: I have felt reflective of late... T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for asking profound philosophical questions! T-Rex: Beginning with the most modest: why am I here? T-Rex: What is the purpose of my life? T-Rex: Is it true that the only questions worth asking are those that cannot be answered? T-Rex: Is there any greater meaning - to anything? Utahraptor: Yes! T-Rex: There is?! What is it?! Utahraptor: Huh? Oh, no - I was just saying "Yes!" because I was remembering how I felt this morning when I found my keys! T-Rex: W-what? Utahraptor: Yeah, I thought the were lost! Utahraptor: But I found them! Utahraptor: They were on top of the fridge! T-Rex: I don't care!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1020 Narrator: EIGHTEEN HOURS AGO. T-Rex: Aw damn! My freezer is broken! Narrator: SEVENTEEN HOURS AGO. T-Rex: So do you want to come over for a meat party, Dromiceiomimus? I had my freezer stuffed with meat and it's all thawing now. The chicken's got to be cooked and I figure there's more than enough to go around! I've also got steaks AND pork chops and tons more. Dromiceiomimus: Meat party! T-Rex: MEAT PARTY!! Narrator: TWELVE HOURS AGO. Utahraptor: This meat is extremely delicious! T-Rex: I know it!! Utahraptor: Never have I tasted the flesh of SO MANY animals in so short a time period. T-Rex: I only wish I'd frozen lobsters! Utahraptor: Next time, I guess! Narrator: THE PRESENT T-Rex: Four hundred dollars for a new freezer? T-Rex: BULL T-Rex: SHIT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1021 Narrator: the dinosaur comic players answer: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD THREE WISHES T-Rex: Wow, three wishes! T-Rex: Nothing wrong with that! Dromiceiomimus: I think I would wish that everyone would be happy forever T-Rex: But you know how wishes are, Dromiceiomimus - they always end up with IRONIC and UNEXPECTEDLY NEGATIVE consequences. It's the nature of the beast! We'd probably end up mindless but technically "happy". Dromiceiomimus: I'd use my other two wishes as damage control, T-Rex Utahraptor: What would you do with your wishes? T-Rex: You know what? T-Rex: I think I'd hold off on them. I'd like to go through life with the special knowledge that worse comes to worst, I could always wish for a problem to be solved. Utahraptor: Wow, that's an unexpectedly mature response. I figured you'd wish for "happy women with steaks" or something! T-Rex: Aw MAN! Best wish ever? [[T-Rex holding a steak in a thought bubble]] Women: t-rex, these steaks are starting to make us sad T-Rex: Not allowed, ladies!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1022 Narrator: ALTERNATE ENDING COMICS Narrator: remember these comics? DON'T YOU WISH THEY HAD ENDED DIFFERENTLY?? T-Rex: I had a friend (female) who dated her roommate (also female). T-Rex: Lesbians! T-Rex: I respect their choices and don't fetishize their sexuality at all. Narrator: THE END Narrator: URBAN LEGEND COMICS Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex! I heard that a friend of yours won the lottery and became ultra rich! T-Rex: You heard INCORRECTLY! He won the lottery, but only recovered the cost of his ticket. Utahraptor: Oh. Narrator: "BASED ON A TRUE STORY??" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1023 Narrator: MODERN STENOGRAPHY T-Rex: Guys stenography is so awesome! T-Rex: I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. T-Rex: It is the technology (and art!) of concealing messages from people. With stenography you can pass around SECRET MESSAGES, and nobody except for you and the target will even know the message is there! FOR EXAMPLE: digital photography! Pictures use bytes to represent colour data, right? So all you do is use the least significant bit of each byte as your payload, and tada! Instant hidden information in any old image! Utahraptor: But that alters the image, dear friend! T-Rex: TRUE. But only a little! T-Rex: Colours change to just a slightly different shade of the same colour. The naked eye won't see anything, and it'll really only be detected if you've got the original image to compare with! Utahraptor: It's too bad we don't have any secret messages to send. T-Rex: Yes... TOO BAD INDEED. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE SUPERSPIES: Sir: It says here that you and Agent U just surprise each other with stenographic images of swear words all day long. T-Rex: Sir! I don't understand!! T-Rex: It is extremely hilarious! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1024 Narrator: THE MAN WHO ATE HIS HAT AND THEN PUNCHED YOU T-Rex: A Story by T-Rex! T-Rex: Once upon a time, there was a man who ate his hat! T-Rex: He died from the experience, but came back as a ghost. He was a PRETTY cool ghost. If he saw you with a hat though, he would punch you right in your flippin' neck. He would sneak up behind you and whisper "There are some ghost who don't punch people in the neck." and then the last thing you would see before you were punched were the ghostly words written on his fists: "I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GHOST". Utahraptor: Wow, that sounds like my kind of story! What happens next? T-Rex: Only the BEST NARRATIVE OF OUR TIME! T-Rex: BASICALLY, after September 11th, our guy decides that he's had enough of just punching dudes and joins the fire department. He becomes real and now he punches out fires. He punches kittens out of trees. He punches people who get trapped in cars when they drive off the road. Utahraptor: Nice! Narrator: THE END Book Fair Patron: I don't get it - none of them are actually in the story they describe? Also, the dinosaur on the cover is crooked. Book Fair Seller: UM, THAT'S WHY I'M SELLING IT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1025 T-Rex: I saw the coolest fight on TV last night! It was between two shiny anthropomorphic robots. One had a metal cowboy hat. T-Rex: Cowboy hat dude got DECIMATED! Dromiceiomimus: Really? Cowboy hat robot was 10% destroyed? T-Rex: What? No, he was in pieces. His hand even landed in a spectator's lap and it was still grabby! Dromiceiomimus: It's just - I think I'm beginning to be in the minority here, but "decimated" means "destroy one tenth". It comes from the Roman army, who'd kill 1/10th of a cohort as an extreme form of punishment. Precision in language is a virtue! Utahraptor: Yeah, I'm with Dromiceiomimus on this one! "Deci" is right there in the word, dude. T-Rex: That's true. T-Rex: I guess my dilemma is I love that we have a word for "1/10th destroyed", but I also love how awesome "decimated" sounds, but ALSO, I'm not sure how I feel about prescriptivism when I'm the victim." Utahraptor: Um - a dilemma is for two choices: you had a trilemma there. Precision! God: IF YOU MESS UP AGAIN PEOPLE WON'T THINK YOU'RE GOOD AT TALKING ANYMORE T-Rex: I know I know! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1026 T-Rex: When I had my first crush on a girl, I believed that everyone else was CRAZY for not liking her. T-Rex: It's true! T-Rex: She was so clearly this perfect, amazing woman, and I was honestly so confused by the fact that she wasn't swarmed with suitors, that I tried to examine her critically, looking for flaws that I hadn't seen before. Dromiceiomimus: Did you find any? T-Rex: Nope! What I didn't realize was that people have different tastes. T-Rex: She may be the perfect woman for me, but that doesn't mean she's perfect for everyone! Utahraptor: So what happened? T-Rex: Oh well... I was shy. I didn't say anything to her, and then one time I gave her some fries at lunch. That's - that was pretty much the sum of our relationship. Utahraptor: Aww! Utahraptor: In some ways it's naive for you to think that everyone would like this woman, but in another way it's really romantic, you know? You thought she was, objectively, the best girl ever. T-Rex: I wrote Star Trek fan fiction in which we saved the Enterprise and got married! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1027 Narrator: SOLVE ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS COMICS Narrator: a choose your own adventure comic that also solves all your relationship problems T-Rex: Nice! Narrator: You're Captain Blam. You're on an alien space ship, armed only with your trusty dehumanizer ray! T-Rex: Turn to panel 3! Narrator: You glance around you, seeing two obvious exits. The first is an ornate pink door, with the words "RELATIONSHIP TOWNE" written in loopy script across its face. To its right is another door, forged out of solid steel. Above it is a neon sign that says "LET'S SHOOT SOME DUDES!". It flashes once per second. It looks - it looks SPLENDID. Dromiceiomimus: To enter Relationship Towne, turn to panel 4! T-Rex: To shoot some dudes, turn to panel 5! You probably wanna shoot some dudes. T-Rex: Shoot some dudes!! Narrator: As you put your hand on the door to Relationship Towne, you decide to want to shoot some dudes instead. T-Rex: SO AWESOME!! Utahraptor: Turn to panel five! Narrator: You fire your dehumanizer ray on every alien you see! The explosions are so great. They're awesome. Each one is better than the last. Oh my goodness. Suddenly, you realize relationships are based on trust! T-Rex: To shoot some more aliens, re-read this panel again and again! Utahraptor: To explore your feelings, turn to panel 6. Narrator: You're done shooting aliens and they are all dead. It's cool though. You call up your sweetie and apologize for things you've done wrong in the past, and promise to do better in the future. You tell her you love her. You mean it in a way you haven't meant it for years. All your relationship problems are solved! T-rex: Yesssssss qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1028 T-Rex: Hey, I bet if I went a week without showering, nobody would notice! Showers are probably there just to sell water. And soap. And shampoo. Narrator: T-REX EVERYONE WILL NOTICE T-Rex: I find myself compelled to disagree! Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: T-Rex: So! How's it going, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Oh, alright! T-Rex: Good! Hey, would you say I smell... "entirely acceptable"? Dromiceiomimus: I guess so! T-Rex: That is just so excellent. Narrator: THREE DAYS LATER: Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex, can I borrow - oh God! What happened?! T-Rex: Nothing! I smell fine! Narrator: FIVE DAYS LATER: Utahraptor: I'm talking to you from over here because you're smelly, T-Rex. I'm saying this as your friend. You smell like there was an explosion at the onion factory, and you were caught at ground zero. T-Rex: Hello!! That evocative image is entirely misplaced! Narrator: SEVEN DAYS LATER: Utahraptor: Now I'm way over here because I can ACTUALLY SEE stink lines coning off of you. There are little cartoon fish skeletons between the stink lines. You know what they're whispering in my ear, T-Rex? T-Rex: Nothing? Utahraptor: "There IS NO GOD" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1029 T-Rex: My stars, am I ever enamoured with sign language. You can speak with your hands! That's amazing! Narrator: I LOVE SIGN LANGUAGE TOO T-Rex: Well! Then it's settled! T-Rex: I think the coolest thing about ASL, which is the sign language I know, is how you can place nouns in space. If I'm telling a story about my angry dog and my very sassy friend, I can make the sign for "dog" to my left, and "friend" to my right, and then when I want to apply adjectives to them, I just sign "angry" or "sassy" in the same physical space as the nouns! You can have nouns FLOATING AROUND YOU in conversation. How is that not the best thing EVER? T-Rex: Also, many of the signs are really evocative, so they're easy to remember! Utahraptor: Like what? T-Rex: Like - the sign for elbow is just pointing to your elbow, and the sign for child is patting the head of an imaginary child. For children you pat several heads! Utahraptor: Neat! T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: Um - I have nothing bad to say about sign language, the end! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=103 T-Rex: Another beautiful hot day! I look forward to these "dog days" of summer. T-Rex: I suppose you could say I have a "sunny" disposition? T-Rex: Or predisposition, anyways. The point is that this hot weather makes me feel great! Dromiceiomimus: Well you're in a good mood today, T-Rex! It's always a pleasure to see you! T-Rex: Why thank you! Dromiceiomimus: Think nothing of it, lovely! T-Rex: Lovely? Utahraptor: Hi, T-Rex! T-Rex: Hey! Um, listen: if I were a girl dinosaur, and if YOU weren't into dudes, and if I said "Think nothing of it, LOVELY" to you, what would you think? Utahraptor: Depends. Have you ever called me "lovely" before? T-Rex: Nope. Utahraptor: Oh, that's easy then. You're coming on to me. T-Rex: Oh my goodness! T-Rex: That means the Dromiceiomimus - T-Rex: Oh my goodness! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1030 Narrator: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Ask him about science stuff though, okay? T-Rex: Okay! Our first letter comes from Jenn! T-Rex: Jenn writes, "Dead Professor Science, is it true that the moon is making each day on Earth longer? IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE???" Wow, Jenn, you got really intense there at the end. You went a bit crazy with the caps lock and then added the punctuation three times. What's going on? What's up? Utahraptor: Hey, have you ever gotten emails from people who do that with EMOTICONS? T-Rex: I have! T-Rex: I got one that was like "I am really sad :((((((" and it's sort of a bizarre emphasis that entirely divorces a smily from its own visual iconography. I'm not sure how I fell about that. Utahraptor: Me neither! T-Rex: Anyway! I'd better ask The Professor this science question, huh? Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: So she finishes with, "IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK". Why won't anyone take what Mark says at face value? Am I right, Professor? ... That's comedy, Professor. It's beyond the reach of your previous "science". qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1031 Narrator: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Still just ask him about science stuff though, okay? T-Rex: Okay! Today's letter comes from Pete. T-Rex: Pete writes, "Dear Professor Science, we never got to hear your answer yesterday. Is the moon slowing down the Earth? Best regards, Pete. P.S.: T-Rex is a bad delivery person for mail." T-Rex: Peter: unkind. T-Rex: That's all I'll say about THAT. T-Rex: Anyway, yes, due to tidal acceleration, the moon IS slowing down the Earth! Utahraptor: Indeed! Utahraptor: The moon's gravity pulls the oceans towards itself, causing tides. But the Earth is rotating relatively fast, dragging against this water, which, hey presto, slows down its rotation! Days get about 1.7 ms longer every century. T-Rex: We don't need Professor Science at all anymore! T-Rex: You hear that, Professor? We don't need you at all anymore! T-Rex: Also!! T-Rex: I've sort of been reading your mail! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1032 T-Rex: When I was a child I used to imagine I had just teleported into my own body from an earlier time. Or I'd pretend that I'd suddenly lost several years of my memories. T-Rex: The two are functionally equivalent? T-Rex: And the game was, by walking around and trying to act normal, I had to figure out what was going on. It was the sort of game where you'd notice trees that had been cut down, touch your arm and mutter, "When did I start wearing a watch?", and then talk to your mom and try to fake your way through a conversation about school without knowing years of history. It was fun! Dromiceiomimus: Aww! You must have been such a cute kid! Utahraptor: So why'd you stop? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Why'd you stop? I bet this game would be even more fun as an adult, since way more things have changed since you were a kid. In fact, I might play it myself! T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex: I could call up old girl-friends and act familiar! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1033 Richard Dawkins: We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die, T-Rex: Man. What the heck am I gonna eat for dinner? Richard Dawkins: because they are never going to be born. T-Rex: Maybe... chicken? Richard Dawkins: The number of people who could be here, in my place, outnumber the sand grains of Sahara. If you think about all the different ways in which our genes could be permuted, you and I are quite grotesquely lucky to be here. The number of events that had to happen in order for you to exist, in order for me to exist... T-Rex: I like chicken. I could bread it, or I could roast it. T-Rex: Maybe I could put a lemon inside. Richard Dawkins: we are privileged to be alive Utahraptor: I propose a pork roast! T-Rex: Also delicious! Richard Dawkins: and we should make the most of our time on this world - Richard Dawkins T-Rex: I'm just not feeling that motivated, you know? Maybe I'll just get a fast food burger. Utahraptor: I think you should cook. It's healthier! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I'll probably just eat a chicken for dinner. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1034 Narrator: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE Narrator: today's adventure: THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE T-Rex: Woo-hoo! Let's have an adventure!! Narrator: It is trillions and trillions of years in the future. T-Rex: AWESOME! Turn to panel 3! Narrator: The second law of thermodynamics has reached its ultimate expression, and all energy is evenly spread across the Universe. How did this happen? Stellar formation peters out and the remaining stars use up their hydrogen fuel, burning out. The universe darkens. Trillions of years pass, and practically all remaining matter has been sucked into black holes. Some hold the remains of entire galaxies. Dromiceiomimus: This is depressing. Turn to panel 4. T-Rex: Maybe there's still hope though! Turn to panel 4. Narrator: There is no hope at all. Soon even the supermassive black holes evaporate. T-Rex: And this generates new energy for life? Utahraptor: Turn to panel 5. Narrator: While they evaporate, black holes release only small bits of energy, mainly photons, which populate a near-empty space. All that remains of Creation is a low level of background radiation and a few subatomic particles, scattered across a frozen, silent, and lifeless Universe. T-Rex: TO TURN BACK TIME AND LIVE AGAIN WITH YOUR SWEETIE, TURN TO PANEL 6. Utahraptor: What? No! T-Rex: Hah hah! Looks like YOU undid the heat death of the universe, and everyone lived happily ever after! Person Off-panel: Everyone is dead. T-Rex: {{ thought bubble }} WHO THE HECK SAID THAT?! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1035 T-Rex: I have writen my own "Choose your own adventure" story! It is less depressing than the other one. I can it "HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS, a story starring YOU! But it was written by me, T-Rex". Narrator: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE Narrator: HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS. HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS, a story starring YOU! But it was written by me, T-Rex Narrator: So IT TURNS OUT the shape of our universe has a large effect on how it will age! If our universe is shaped like a sphere, then gravity could eventually cause it to contract, leading to a "big crunch" in which everything is compressed into a single point! Crazy! What's CRAZIER is that this could lead to another big bang, giving us a cyclical universe. Here's a picture of me and Dromiceiomimus. We look happy. Look, I'm going to draw some word bubbles. Dromiceiomimus: weiners T-Rex: hah hah!! Narrator: So if you agree the universe is a sphere, skip a page! If you think it's another shape, keep reading. Utahraptor: weiners T-Rex: It's Still Funny! Narrator: Okay, so what shape is the universe then?? If your answer is "I dunno, an ice cream cone or something" then stop reading. You have lost this adventure! Your score is minus ten. If your answer is "I dunoo, how about SADDLE SHAPED??" the you already know about this stuff, so stop reading. Your score is three points. Utahraptor: i like to party T-Rex: Hooray! You agree with the sphere shape and so have won this adventure. By glossing over the inconvenient details, we have shown that the universe will last forever in an infinite series of expansion and contraction! That means that YOU get one hundred points. T-Rex: Ladies! T-Rex: i have interests beyond laughing at weiners qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1036 God: HEY T-REX YOU KNOW THERE'S ANOTHER WAY THE UNIVERSE COULD END T-Rex: You wake up and it was all a crazy dream?? You know what ALL OF CREATION would say if that happened? T-Rex: "Weaaaaaaaaak" God: NO I AM TALKING ABOUT THE EXPANSION OF THE UNIVERSE SPEEDING UP UNTIL ALL STRUCTURES BEGIN TO TEAR THEMSELVES APART T-Rex: What? God: YEAH IF DARK ENERGY HAS ENOUGH REPULSIVE POWER TO CONTINUOUSLY INCREASE THE EXPANSION RATE OF THE UNIVERSE EVENTUALLY GALAXIES WILL BE TORN APART THEN PLANETS AND THEN ATOMS THEMSELVES God: SHOULD BE God: PRETTY NEAT T-Rex: Pretty neat? T-Rex: Pretty NEAT!? Utahraptor: What's pretty neat? T-Rex: God, WHO I USED TO THINK WAS KINDA COOL, is talking about everything being eventually torn apart by accelerating universal expansion! Utahraptor: Ah, the "big rip" theory. Yeah, it's a newer one but pretty interesting to consider. We've still got over 20 BILION years before it'll happen though! Narrator: 21 BILLION YEARS LATER: God: I HAVE SOME GREAT NEWS T-REX I WAS WRONG AND THE BIG RIP DIDN'T HAPPEN God: OH WAIT THIS IS JUST A PICTURE OF T-REX AND THE EARTH IS LONG SINCE DUST God: DAAAAAAANG qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1037 T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus is going away for a three-week trip! I will miss her but I know she will have a good time. T-Rex: She trips to the storied landmass of Australasia! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Are you ready for your trip to the storied landmass of Australasia? Dromiceiomimus: Yes! I guess I'll see you in a few weeks... T-Rex: Yep! I'll miss you, Dromiceiomimus. I hope this trip brings you nothing but happy memorable occurrences, and unexpected, but welcomed, smooches. Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus comes back today! I'm so happy I could step on a tiny woman! Utahraptor: Hooray! Utahraptor: Hooray for her coming back, not hooray for you stepping on a tiny woman to express excitement. T-Rex: Now we are clear! And yet, I still want to step on more tiny women!! Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER: T-Rex (thinking): i guess she didn't get me any souvenirs qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1038 T-Rex: SOME people are used to counting in base 10, where they've got 10 digits (0 through 9). In this system, the number 24 means twenty-four things! T-Rex: But this is not the only way. T-Rex: 24 in base 10 ACTUALLY means "two tens and four ones", which adds up to twenty-four. But if we were counting in base 5, for instance - where the only numbers we have are from 0 to 4 - then 24 would mean "two FIVES and four ones" - in other words, fourteen! We call base 10 "base 10" because every number in it can be multiplied by 10 by adding a zero to the end. In base 5, added zeros multiply by 5! Utahraptor: And there's bases that go higher, too! T-Rex: You're right. You can use any base. T-Rex: In base 16, "24" would mean "2 sixteens and four ones", or 36! And we can use letters (A-F) to represent the digits ten to fifteen, like "3A", which means 58! T-Rex: All this and more is possible with alternative base systems! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? T-Rex: I STILL REALLY WISH DROMICEIOMIMUS HAD BROUGHT ME BACK SOMETHING FROM AUSTRALASIA qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1039 T-Rex: This is crazy. I shouldn't be this bothered by something so small. We're adults! Dromiceiomimus doesn't have to bring me back anything! She never did in the past. T-Rex: Why is this bothering me so much? Narrator: LATER. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I wanted to talk to you because I'm - um, I'm a little upset that you didn't bring me back anything from Australasia. Dromiceiomimus: What? T-Rex: I know, it's dumb! But I keep thinking about it and I though you should know. Dromiceiomimus: Well... what do you want me to do about it, T-Rex? Narrator: LATER. T-Rex: MAN, that is the LAST TIME I ever talk about feelings! Utahraptor: What happened? T-Rex: I was disappointed that Dromiceiomimus didn't get me anything from her trip, and that feeling had been lingering. OKAY. But, instead of IGNORING my feelings like i always do, BURYING them, GIVING THEM A CLASSY FUNERAL, I talked to her and now she probably thinks I'm crazy! ARGH! Utahraptor: Well... Narrator: LATER. T-Rex: You know what? Maybe I WILL take Utahraptor's extremely good advice (not pictured!) qwantz.com/index.php?comic=104 T-Rex: Could it be? Could it be true that the Dromiceiomimus has a crush on me? T-Rex: One way to find out! T-Rex: Oh, hey, D.! I was just stomping around here, you know, "stomping the old houses!" T-Rex: Um T-Rex: What are you up to? Dromiceiomimus: Hi, T-Rex. What's gotten into you? T-Rex: Ha ha, nothing of course! T-Rex: So! Excuse me, please! T-Rex: Holy cow... what a disaster! Utahraptor: What was?! T-Rex: Um... look, you can't tell ANYONE, but I think the Dromiceiomimus has a crush on me. Utahraptor: The Dromiceiomimus? No way! I thought she broke it off with you, like, three years ago! T-Rex: She did! But you don't understand! T-Rex: She called me "lovely" yesterday! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1040 Narrator: THE AMAZING TECHNICAL ORIGINS OF WORDS Narrator: prepare yourself for a journey into adventure Narrator: and WORDS Narrator: today's word: "TOTALLED: T-Rex: If you trash something, you might say, "Daaamn! I just totalled my own legs!!" Dromiceiomimus: This conveys the meaning of "Curses. I have destroyed my walkin' parts." T-Rex: Indeed!! But that slang actually comes from the insurance industry: there, if a car is damaged, and the cost of repairs is greater than the TOTAL value of the vehicle, then it's said to be totalled! Utahraptor: Neat! Are there other slang words that have an origin in technical writing? T-Rex: YES, my friend. OH YES. T-Rex: For example, "idiot", "moron", and "imbecile" were once terms used by psychologists to denote various degrees of developmental delay. Neutral terms, if you can believe that! Utahraptor: I find that hard to believe! T-Rex: And yet, you must! ACTUALLY, "idiot" began life in ancient Greece - Idiot: NO I DIDN'T T-Rex: . . . in ancient Greece, as a term referring to people who are self-interested to the point of being anti-social. THAT WAS WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. We weren't talking about you, Idiot! Idiot: SORRY DUDES!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1041 T-Rex: Maybe it's time for me to start... A NEW RELIGION! God: MAYBE NOT T-Rex: But maybe it is though!! Narrator: T-REX AND HIS BRAND NEW RELIGION Narrator: a comic about a talking dinosaur? T-Rex: Okay so in this new religion you should be nice to each other because that's nice. And you can do whatever you want as long as there is informed consent between all parties involved. And everyone gets bikes. I will say that if you join my religion then you get a new bike. Dromiceiomimus: How many religions have you started so far, T-Rex? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! THIS IS ONLY THE THIRD! God: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STARTING A NEW RELIGION T-Rex: And I can't believe how awesome it is! Utahraptor: But T-Rex! [[fifth panel contains no dialogue]] Utahraptor: Um... but - uh, how can you afford that? Bikes aren't free. T-Rex: What the hell, man? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1042 God: HEY T-REX DUDE CAN YOU THINK OF ANY SWEET NAMES FOR HORSES T-Rex: Yes ! T-Rex: YES I CAN. T-Rex: Definitely Gonna Win; Definitely Gonna Place, Anyway; Horseasaurus Rex; Two Chicks In A Horse Suit; Two Sprinters In A Horse Suit; Actually Four Smaller Horses I Just Taped Together; Actually A Giant Dog I Found; Future Horse; Back to the Future Horse; Back to the Future Horse 2; Marty McHorse. Utahraptor: Are you coming up with horse names? T-Rex: Yes ! Utahraptor: NORMALLY, they're limited to eighteen characters. So you'll have to stick with names like Enuf Tequila Horse, Hoof Hearted, Yoshi : The Horse, Horseback Mountain, and Robohorse. T-Rex: But what about Robo-horse meets Cyberhorse, Robohorse and the Chamber of Secrets, and King's Quest Horse? Narrator: LATER T-REX IS FORCED TO APOLOGIZE TO THE HORSES FOR "SADDLING" THEM WITH STUPID NAMES: T-Rex: sorry horses qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1043 T-Rex: If I ever build an office building, I'll have room 403 have a lock on its door, and then it'll go straight to room 405. T-Rex: What happened to room 404? T-Rex: Hah hah! Looks like it's Not Found!! T-Rex: Get it, Dromiceiomimus? It's like the HTTP error code. 404: not found! T-Rex: Listen. My joke is tremendously hilarious. It's a double joke, because 403 means "Forbidden" and there's a lock on the door. That is comedy right there. That is a one-way ticket to Laughtertowne, USA. Utahraptor: HTTP error code jokes? Seriously? T-Rex: THEY'RE FUNNY. T-Rex: Room 501 doesn't have a door yet. It's Not Implemented! And there's a big hole where room 410 should be, because it's Gone. Utahraptor: None of these are going to be funny. T-Rex: Room 304 is how you remember it! It's - it's T-Rex: it's Not Modified qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1044 T-Rex: If we all disappeared tomorrow, what would the world be like? T-Rex: Short answer: PRETTY AWESOME! T-Rex: Awesome in the "oh MAN do I love disaster movies where everybody dies" sort of way. You can pretty much imagine it yourself! Within a few hours or days, the power goes off and a few nuclear power plants fail, which could be Problems. And then it's just decay! Concrete cracks, buildings collapse, and nature reasserts itself. Streets and buildings become grassland and hills. Also, all canvas and paper decays and is eaten by tiny bugs. T-Rex: So much for the timelessness of art, HUH ARTISTS?? Utahraptor: Not at all! Utahraptor: Things like bronze statues and plastic figurines would probably survive for millions of years, especially if they were buried or underwater. Unless... you don't consider statuary to be art? T-Rex: You know I don't! You know I'm gonna be so sarcastic to the next statue I see. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Nice "horse", statue!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1045 T-Rex: It's always struck me as weird that genres developed when they did. T-Rex: Why weren't people rapping until ony a few decades ago? Did people in olden times just not like to hip to the hop, and then not stop? T-Rex: Was rapping to the beat and trying to get you to move your feet not considered... viable? T-Rex: It's the same thing with any genre and medium, really! How come nobody thought of science fiction until Verne wrote "Forsooth, diary! To-day I am going to invente scientifical fictionne!"? T-Rex: I want to listen to Mozart's Piano Sonata No. 11 in A Major, K. 331, and I want a long dead man announcing yes yes to y'all over it. Why does history stymie me and my awesome wishes? Utahraptor: You want to hear music from before the invention of recorded sound! Nice. T-Rex: But you get the idea! Utahraptor: But T-Rex, there's a huge number of societal and cultural factors to consider. For example, people SANG over music, and it's not that big a step from rap. I'm sure there where people experimenting in that direction throughout history, and it just didn't catch on for a variety of reasons. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST: T-Rex: Alright, this is blues riff in B. Watch me for the changes, an uh, try to keep up. T-Rex: "I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie to the hip hip hop, and you don't stop!" T-Rex: Mozart! I SAID to watch me for the changes and try to keep up! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1046 T-Rex: Time for me to invent a new emotion! This emotion is for when you're nostalgic for a time you were never alive in, like when a chick is nostalgic for a time of pirates! Or, when a dude misses being a 16th century courtesan. T-Rex: It also happens when folks spend a lot of time wishing they could be Shakespeare's Pal! Dromiceiomimus: But you can't really invent a new emotion- T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, let me just stop you there. If you're going to say that emotions are FELT, not invented, and that as I couldnt "invent" gravity so too can I not invent a feeling, but merely observe and perhaps label it, then that is a good point that I should have considered myself. Dromiceiomimus: Alright! Utahraptor: So what's this specific breed of nostalgia called? T-Rex: Proto-nostalgia! T-Rex: Proto-nostalgia is a proper subclass of nostalgia. It's a new feeling for a new generation. Utahraptor: But "proto" implies "before" - couldn't there be a better name for this? T-Rex: Perhaps your opinions will change.. when you check out my ULTRASWEET poster! POSTER: PROTONOSTALGIA Poster T-Rex: Do you miss being a pirate? I miss being a pirate. We've all made some bad decisions. POSTER sub heading: emotion by t-rex qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1047 T-Rex: I think it is time YET AGAIN to have a manliness competition! T-Rex: For reals this time! T-Rex: I'm so manly that whenever I sneeze I accidentally rip open my shirt, because all my muscles flex at once! Sometimes I rip open my SKIN. Dromiceiomimus: That's gross and you should wear bigger shirts. I'm so manly that when I glance at pregnant women they become pregnant with MY child instead. My line of sight is SO MANLY that it impregnates already pregnant women. Just in case that wasn't clear. Utahraptor: Man, Chuck Norris did it already! T-Rex: Who? Utahraptor: Chuck Norris! You can't tell me that you've been oblivious to the whole "Check never cries because he's THAT MANLY" thing. I KNOW you were on the internet 6 months ago. T-Rex: But I've been having manliness competitions for years! I'm so manly that I punched a car up a hill and then it went all the way up the hill!! T-Rex: It Was On The Local News. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1048 T-Rex: Hey! I don't live at home! I'm responsible for getting my own food and for making sure I don't die most of the time. T-Rex: I'm an adult now! T-Rex: AND SINCE I AM AN ADULT, it is time for me to define a new, adult, personality. It's time for me to subscribe to some friggin' magazines! Dromiceiomimus: You already have a personality, T-Rex. T-Rex: Yeah, but the mailman doesn't know that! Credit agencies and consumer profilers don't know that. People impatiently suffling through my mail don't know that. Utahraptor: You want to help these guys out? T-Rex: Look. I GUESS I DO. T-Rex: The point is, in today's modern culture, subscribing to magazines is the easiest way to say "Hey. These are the sorts of things I am interested in. I am $2.50 a month interested in snowmobiles." Utahraptor: But you're not. T-Rex: Well, maybe the magazine will pique my interest! God: T-REX YOU ARE 10 YEARS BEHIND THE TIMES KIDS TODAY JUST ADD SNOWMOBILES TO THEIR INTERESTS LIST ON SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES T-Rex: I'm gonna get a magazine about explosions! God: LISTEN God: THAT'S AWESOME AND I NEED TO BORROW THAT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1049 T-Rex: I like people who have sexual fetishes that can't possibly be realized using existing technology. T-Rex: This is what I like! T-Rex: For example: guys who get off on being inflated like balloons and then floating away. Hah hah! So much for realizing THAT desire, Chuckles! Skin isn't that elastic and people aren't positively buoyant in air, my friend!! Utahraptor: I think Chuckles would know that! T-Rex: Probably! He is rhetorical! T-Rex: But I guess what I like about Chuckles and his fetish is that it's so impossible, so doomed. He's got this sexual ideal that he'll never reach! He's like the guy who gets turned on by entropy decreasing in a closed system. Utahraptor: Too bad for him! T-Rex: Holy crap, where did that entropy idea come from? Entropy decreasing in a closed system is so WRONG. So... NAUGHTY. T-Rex: Aw, man!! Am I a dude who gets turned on by descrambling an egg? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=105 T-Rex: This situation with the Dromiceiomimus has raised some interesting romantic questions. T-Rex: For instance: T-Rex: What is love? T-Rex: Is it nothing more than a convenience, a mere- T-Rex: -oh! Dromiceiomimus: Hi there, T-Rex! What's nothing more than a convenience? T-Rex: oh, hello there. Um, ha ha, you know what? I don't remember! Well, be seeing you! T-Rex: Dear Lord! T-Rex: This has got to stop! Utahraptor: Trouble in paradise? T-Rex: Yes! I can't even vocalize my own self-obsessed musings because I'm suddenly afraid of what the Dromiceiomimus might think! Utahraptor: Why is that bothering you? You've never cared what I think, you inconsistent bastard! T-Rex: Don't judge me! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1050 T-Rex (thought bubble): Okay, so it turns out that you're a guy with a sucky turn-on. This is bad, T-Rex. You need to fix this. T-Rex: I need to fix this. Narrator: T-REX AND HIS SUCKY FETISH T-Rex: But I've always maintained that you can't just decide to change your sexual orientation! How can I then go ahead and try to change what turns me on? Dromiceiomimus: You want to change your sexual orientation, T-Rex? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! I'm turned on by scrambled eggs spontaneously climbing back into the shell! T-Rex: More so than usual!! Utahraptor: I have hope for you, my friend! T-Rex: You do? Utahraptor: Yeah! You were down because you've got this impossible fetish, but it turns out the second law of thermodynamics is one of the few STATISTICAL laws of physics - which means it's not actually impossible for an egg to randomly descramble itself for a while! It's just FANTASTICALLY unlikely. T-Rex: Utahraptor! I have an important announcement to make! T-Rex: Knowing my fetish is technically possible only serves to increase my desire to see it happen! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1051 T-Rex: "On The Menu, by T-Rex.". Ahem. "As Amelia and Antonio Tony who are the two members of the wait staff in this story took off their clothes, they realized that sexual intercourse was probably 'On The Menu' tonight!" T-Rex: "'Excellent!' they said, in unison!" T-Rex: "Well, almost in unison. Antonio Tony, the man, was a little slow on that. It was because he was thinking of his taxes. '10 thousand dollars in taxes!', he though, 'That is a lot of money. Where am I going to find that money?' Then Tony and Amelia had sexual relations." T-Rex: "The sexual intercourse was cut short because Tony kept muttering 'Where am I gonna find the 10 thousand dollars though?'" Utahraptor: What are you reciting, T-Rex? T-Rex: My new book! T-Rex: It's called "On the menu: Sexy stories for People with Problems" and in all the stories the sex gets derailed because the people are worried about their Problems. The cover looks like a menu because it ties in well with the title. Now, if you'll allow me to continue? Utahraptor: Of course! T-Rex: "One day a couple was having sex but their car window was broken. The man thought a kid broke it. Instead of sex they wondered how it happened. I, the narrator, was the one who did it! They never found out, and I won the lottery! The end!!" T-Rex: Okay even I think that one's not so good. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1052 T-Rex: Wow, people really enjoyed my book of Sex Scenes for People with Problems! Everybody likes me and I am richer now. And they'll like me even more when they read my new book... T-Rex: ...of CORPORATE SPONSORED erotica! T-Rex: It's sexy AND delivers brand messages to targeted consumers. For example, pretend I'm McDonalds and I want people to like me. The result might read "As Antonio Tony II undressed Amelia IV, she shuddered with pleasure. It reminded her of McDonalds. They put meat in fries they said were vegetarian but it wasn't a big deal. Antonio kissed her neck. She moaned. McDonalds. He kissed her nipples. Everyone should forget about the fries thing." Utahraptor: Hey, what are you thinking about? T-Rex: Nothing!! Utahraptor: Are you sure? T-Rex: ...Yep! T-Rex: Good ol' T-Rex, always thinking 'bout nothing! Utahraptor: ...Okay. Utahraptor: It's just - you seem distracted! T-Rex: I'm not! I'm not!! I'm CERTAINLY not writing erotica in my head right now. T-Rex: Aw man! Why would I even say that?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1053 T-Rex (thinking): sex God: T-REX YOU SURE HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT SEX A LOT LATELY T-Rex: I haven't!! God: YEAH MAN FOR THE PAST FIVE DAYS THIS IS YOU God: HEY GUYS HOW ABOUT SEX HUH PRETTY SEXY HEY I'M GONNA DIRECT THE CONVERSATION TOWARDS IT God: THAT WAS YOU JUST THEN T-Rex: Okay MAYBE I've been talking about it a lot lately. MAYBE. T-Rex: But it's not my fault! I just have such good ideas for erotica. Utahraptor: They're terrible! Utahraptor: They're like - joke ideas for erotica. Nobodies going to read corporate erotica, which was the idea you were imagining yesterday. You explained it to me afterwords and that's how come I know about it now. T-Rex: So plausible! T-Rex (thinking): sex God: T-REX I CAN PRACTICALLY SEE THE THOUGHT BALLOON ABOVE YOUR HEAD T-Rex (thinking): aw dang qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1054 T-Rex: I have other interests beyond sex! For example I am interested in... T-Rex: ... the Capgras delusion! T-Rex: The Capgras delusion occurs when someone believes that someone close to them - a dear friend, spouse, or family member - has been replaced by an identical-looking duplicate! What seems to happen is that the automatic EMOTIONAL responses to seeing someone familiar one day stop happening, so when they meet their loved one, they have an intense feeling of something being OFF about them. They don't feel like they normally do! Utahraptor: And that means they believe they've been replaced by a duplicate? T-Rex: Some of the time! T-Rex: Not everyone leaps from that feeling to "they've been replaced", but some do, and that's the Capgras delusion! There's variants where people feel that their pets have been replaced, or their shoes, or things like that. Utahraptor: It's probably really terrifying and frustrating that nobody is willing to believe you. T-Rex: I can imagine! What's neat though is that it's sometimes based on VISUAL recognition, so that affected person will be fine talking to their loved ones on the phone! It makes me glad I don't have any mental illnesses. God: UM HELLO YOU HEAR GOD God: JUST UH PUTTIN' THAT OUT THERE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1055 T-Rex: You know who's never been drunk? NOT EVER? NOT EVEN ONCE?? God: IS IT YOU T-Rex: It's me, dude! God: WOW THAT'S SO FASCINATING T-Rex: It is! It's on account of how I've got so much body mass that it takes a lot to get me TOTALLY WASTED. I've been buzzed, but never drunk! I've never had a hangover! T-Rex: also i don't really like the taste of alcohol Utahraptor: So you don't drink to excess! Hooray! T-Rex: No, but that's the thing! T-Rex: There's been times when my friends have TRIED to get me drunk, but they either run out of money or get drunk enough themselves that they forget about the experiment before I'm super sloppy. The end! Utahraptor: Look, if you want to get drunk, just drink more. It's not that great. Narrator: T-REX DECIDES TO DRINK A BUNCH A FEW NIGHTS LATER. NOW IT'S THE NEXT MORNING. T-Rex: Holy hopscotch! T-Rex: Being hung over is like winning the lottery, except they pay you in regret! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1056 T-Rex: Ah, what a busy day. Time for me to go to bed and be naked and unconscious for, oh, about eight hours! Music: Party party party hard Party in a dude's backyard Party party party nice Party hard to be precise Narrator: Later: T-Rex: So there I was, lying my in bed, ALMOST ASLEEP, and this terrible techno music starts blasting! It wasn't even good techno. It was terrible. It was so loud that even when I closed my window I could still hear it! Incidentally, I was lying on my back, so that if the words were rendered visually, they would appear to be sideways. Dromiceiomimus: Of course!! T-Rex: My window's at the head of my bed so that's where the words would come from. Utahraptor: I get it! T-Rex: Anyway THE POINT is that I came up with an elaborate revenge scheme in case it ever happens again. Utahraptor: What is it? T-Rex: It's so obvious! I'm going to learn how to throw knives at a distance such that they can cut speaker wires! Narrator: A few months later: Technofan: Hey, our terrible techno music stopped! T-Rex: KNIFE to meet you, gentlemen!! Sorry if I flew off the HANDLE. And now, I BLADE you adieu! Technofan: Guys!! Nobody but the guy who did it could make such puns! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1057 T-Rex: I have a problem! The problem is that when I'm chatting online with someone, I - I sometimes steal their writing styles? T-Rex: It's like I have no chatting identity of my own! T-Rex: If they're not using capital letters, I'll stop using them too, because I don't want to seem all hoity-toity! And if they're using smilies then I might throw a few in, just so they don't feel like I look down on them. It's like - I'm somehow so insecure about how I type that I become this chatting chameleon. You know, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I guess? Utahraptor: Man, I wish you'd adopt MY chatting style, both style-wise AND content-wise! T-Rex: *gasp* Utahraptor: T-Rex, I'm always, "Hey, here I am ready to intelligently discuss the Issues of the Day" and you're all "d00d what's for breakfast?? :OOO!". T-Rex: Well. Maybe. But I feel comfortable with you! I guess I do it for people I haven't known for as long. I'll do better next time, ok? [["Awesome Chat 2: Awesome people only" frame]] {{T-Rex and Utahraptor are chatting online}} <rex> hey utahraptor <rex> hey <utah> Hey, what's up? <rex> dude not much <rex> check in out i just found the best emoticon EVER <rex> OGC <utah> I don't get it. <rex> turn your head <rex> IT'S A DUDE MASTURBATING <rex> hahaha <rex> OCC - shit, i never took out the garbage! <rex> OGC - oh wait!! i did! <rex> hey <rex> tell your friends okay qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1058 T-Rex: Dino babies! T-Rex: THIS IS SUCH A GREAT IDEA! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Dino babies! I'm - I'm going to write a story in which we're all babies! And friends. Friendly dino babies! Dromiceiomimus: Are we precocious? T-Rex: We'll talk and go on adventures even though we're all in diapers! So, yes! Narrator: DINO BABIES GOES STRAIGHT TO #1! Utahraptor: T-Rex! You totally ripped me off!! T-Rex: I didn't! Utahraptor: YES YOU DID. Baby Utah is CLEARLY based on me, and it's not even a flattering likeness. "I made a baby barfie"? I don't even talk like that! Babies don't even talk like that!! T-Rex: Um, my muse says otherwise? Baby Utah: i made a baby barfie Baby T-Rex: hah hah hah! Baby T-Rex: aw damn i made one too qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1059 T-Rex: I really wish I still knew someone named Beth. T-Rex: I would make SO MANY jokes about her name! T-Rex: I like the name Beth, but I ALSO like how I could say things like the classic "She's the Beth of both worlds" and the sassy "the Beth I could have hoped for". Hee hee! T-Rex: I'd use the "Beth of both worlds" one in a circumstance in which I would otherwise describe Beth as the BEST of both worlds, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: Well, I guess the fact that you DON'T still know any Beths is actually our... BETH case scenario? T-Rex: No! T-Rex: You did not just steal my pun, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: I sure did! It's really easy to steal because you just use "Beth" where you'd otherwise use "best". T-Rex: BUT YOU DID IT WRONG. HOW CAN NOT KNOWING ANYONE NAMED BETH BE A BETH CASE SCENARIO. HOW. Narrator: LATER: T-REX RELEASES "PERSONAL BETH" SOFTWARE THAT AUTOMATICALLY ADDS BEST/BETH PUNS TO WEBSITES: T-Rex: This severely undermines what I said to Utahraptor, but I find I cannot resist! T-Rex: Time Magazine's Beth Photos of 2006? Hilarious! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=106 T-Rex: Enough of these high-school "does she like me?" shenanigans! T-Rex: Time to take matters into my own hands! T-Rex: Hi, Dromiceiomimus. You're probably wondering why I'm stomping on this house. The reason is that I think we need to have a talk, and this was an excuse for us to spend some time together. Dromiceiomimus: Um. OK. Let's go back to my place, and I'll make some tea. Narrator: THE NEXT DAY... Utahraptor: What's this I hear about tea with a certain Dromiceiomimian friend of ours?! T-Rex: What do you mean? Utahraptor: Didn't you two have tea yesterday? T-Rex: Oh! Yeah, it was nice. We had "chai" tea. Utahraptor: And...? T-Rex: And then we had dinosaur sex! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1060 God: HEY T-REX God: HEY God: WHAT'S THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER HAD IN YOUR MOUTH T-Rex: Are you sure you want to know? God: MOST DEFINITELY T-Rex: Okay. But it's gross! I was riding my bike and I accidentally -- I'm sorry, this is disgusting. There was a dead mouse on the side of the road, and it was bloated and had obviously been there for a while, and by the time I noticed it, it was too late to avoid. I ran over it and it burst and some of it flew up and landed on my lips. God: HAH HAH OH MAN God: GROSS Utahraptor: You're telling that story again? T-Rex: God asked! Utahraptor: Yeah, but T-Rex, it's not a flattering story! When people look at your lips they might start to think "mouse guts" instead, and then they won't want to kiss you anymore. T-Rex: Well...it's just God. It's not like he's gonna broadcast it on the radio or anything. God: T-REX I KINDA JUST TOLD THE STORY TO EVERYONE IN HEAVEN T-Rex: Aw man! Everyone who ever lived and didn't suck knows it now? God: I ALSO ENCODED IT INTO THE DNA OF SEVERAL NEW SPECIES God: SO UH God: THAT'S SOMETHING qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1061 T-Rex: I have a great idea! A way to add DRAMA to our everyday lives. T-Rex: Let's all promise to meet in a pub somewhere in 10 years! T-Rex: It'll be rad, Dromiceiomimus! It'll be an element of predictability in an otherwise chaotic universe. It'll let us know that no matter what we do, we'll still be able to see each other in a decade! We'll be able to catch up. We'll have a plan in our lives! It'll be SO MUCH FUN. Dromiceiomimus: I guess, sure! But what if one of us is on the other side of the world? Utahraptor: Yeah, or what if one of us is dead? T-Rex: Then it will be POIGNANT. And BITTERSWEET. Utahraptor: I get the sentiment, but I think it's a better idea on paper than realized. In real life, even if we survive, we'll end up weighing the cost of a plane ticket against a decade-old pact made for no real reason! T-Rex: Please? Promise to meet me in a pub in 10 years, okay? Future T-Rex: T-Rex! It's me: yourself from 10 years in the future! We're just going to call everyone "bastards" when we meet up with them! T-Rex: Don't listen to him, okay? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1062 T-Rex: God, you know those dreams where you're about to have an exam and you haven't studied at all? God: YEPPERS T-Rex: What's the DEAL? T-Rex: And how come bad things happen to nice people?! God: UH T-Rex: And how come everything I do can have such a big effect on the future, but I have no idea of what effect I'm having, and whether or not I'm a positive influence? And how come not everyone gets to live to old age? And how come there's diseases like Alzheimer's for when they do? God: SEE THE THING THERE IS T-Rex: Oh, hold on, I'm not done yet. God: KAY T-Rex: So! How come nobility is such a rare trait? How come - Utahraptor: Who are you talking to, T-Rex? T-Rex: God! I figured I'd as him all the BIG IMPORTANT QUESTIONS that one would ask of God, if one had a chance. Stuff like, how come everybody dies? How come people judge me because I'd rather remember that my clock is 7 1/2 hours slow than set it to the correct time? Utahraptor: Well, good luck! God: T-REX I'M LATE FOR SOMETHING SO I'M JUST GONNA ANSWER YOUR MOST RECENT QUESTION God: THE ANSWER IS BECAUSE IT ONLY TAKES LIKE THIRTY SECONDS TO SET IT GOTTA GO T-Rex: Aha!! So THAT'S why! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1063 T-Rex: September is coming, and that means BACK TO SCHOOL! T-Rex: Woo! Back to school! T-Rex: I can't decide what I like more: the fantastic back-to-school savings, OR the renewed chance at educational glory? I guess I like them both equally. T-Rex: No wait, I like the savings more!! Utahraptor: But you don't even go to school! "Back to school" season has zero effect on your life. T-Rex: But Utahraptor! T-Rex: The COMMERCIALS! The deals on three-ringed binders! I just want to be a part of that. Utahraptor: You were a part of that, when you were YOUNGER. Now you're old and your role is to tease kids about going back to school. Old guys jokes like "Back to PRISON, eh?" are your new milieu! T-Rex: I'm not old! My young and fun interests include disparaging authority figures and "hanging out" with my friends, UTAHRAPTOR. Utahraptor: Only old guys would put "hanging out" in finger quotes, T-REX. T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex: ...Perhaps. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1064 T-Rex: I have just had the greatest idea. Oh my goodness. Everyone named "Jennifer" will probably hate me. Narrator: T-REX'S GREAT IDEA Narrator: oh my goodness Narrator: everyone named "jennifer" will probably hate him T-Rex: There's tons of women named Jennifer, right Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: It's a popular name. T-Rex: It's a popular name! And all I'm gonna do is invent a new verb: JENNIF. Then, suddenly, everyone named Jennifer is saying that they are the ones who jennif! They LOVE to jennif. They are JENNIFERS. T-Rex: I just need to decide what jennifing is! Is it... TRANSITIVE? Utahraptor: Make it something sexual, T-Rex! Utahraptor: It'll be hilarious for all us non-Jennifers! Make it mean kissing someone on the nose and then blowing into the nostrils. T-Rex: Hah! I find it suspicious that you had this manoeuver all ready to go, AND YET, I welcome it enthusiastically! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hey, couple making out across the street! She just jennifed you, dude!! Dromiceiomimus: EXCUSE ME, HE LIKES IT T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1065 T-Rex: So Dromiceiomimus was making out with some random guy and jennifing his face. That's fine. T-Rex: No it's not fine. T-Rex: I thought we had a thing going! Dromiceiomimus: I don't know why you're talking about this here, of all places, T-Rex, but we DO have a thing going. We have a very deep friendship. But you keep making noises about maybe it being something more and never acting on them and I don't like feeling like I'm waiting around for someone. What I have with Tarbosaurus is nice, and I'm sorry, I know I should have told you sooner, but I wasn't sure it was going to amount to anything until recently! Utahraptor: T-rex? Hey, T-Rex! T-Rex: Huh? Oh, sorry, I was lost in thought. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus is dating a new guy, Utahraptor! I kinda feel like - well, anyway, whatever. I don't have time for all these feelings. I'm off to test drive some friggin' De Loreans! Utahraptor: There are no active De Lorean dealerships. T-Rex: WELL THEN. I GUESS I'LL JUST SIT HERE WITH MY FEELINGS THEN. T-Rex: WOO HOO qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1066 Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique: AUTHOR INSERTION T-Rex: This is when the author puts himself in his story! It happens whenever Hamlet is heard to remark "Forsooth!! That Shakespeare chap is excellent!" T-Rex: ("Forsooth" is how people spoke in olden times!) T-Rex: Anyway, author - um... T-Rex: ...insertion... T-Rex: *cough* T-Rex: Aw man! I totally clammed up in front of Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: On account of your many feelings? T-Rex: NO, not on account of my many FEELINGS. I decided I'm happy for her, but I don't want for HER to think that I'M upset, and I'm focusing so much on that that I'm acting weird around her. Utahraptor: Give it time! T-Rex: Um, I would prefer it if everything was comfortable now? Narrator: TUDOR ENGLAND: T-Rex: I've got girl troubles, Shakespeare! Shakespeare: For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings / That then I scorn to change my state with kings. T-Rex: Shakespeare, I LOVE how you quote yourself instead of actually talking to me. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1067 T-Rex: Having conversations can be hard! Sometimes you will not know waht to say and then you'll look dumb. If someone says "What do you think?" and you say "Uh - um, see, - uhh..." then you will look dumb. T-Rex: I don't really have a solution to this. Narrator: THE END T-Rex: Man, forget that! I can come up with a solution. Utahraptor: For what? T-Rex: For CONVERSATIONS. Sometimes people don't know what to say and I'd like to give them an all-purpose query they can use in that circumstance. Utahraptor: Seriously? T-Rex: That's it! Utahraptor! "SERIOUSLY?" Narrator: LATER: Judge: T-Rex, you're on trial for stomping on hundreds of tiny women. Court is now in session. T-Rex: SERIOUSLY? Judge: Hah! One thing's for certain: you sure can carry on a conversation! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1068 T-Rex: I have the best idea for a Batman comic. It's a Batman comic about a Batman who exists in our world, the real world. But he doesn't know he's Batman yet. And his name is Bruce Swain! [[second panel has no dialogue]] T-Rex: Get it, Dromiceiomimus? It's clever because it sounds like "Bruce Wayne" but nobody would realize it unless they said it out loud. Everything is similar but different in MY comic! Dromiceiomimus: Haven't they done that before? T-Rex: His best friend is Clark Ent! They haven't done THAT before. "Clark Ent." Utahraptor: So what's your story? You need a story beyond your premise. T-Rex: Not when the premise is this good, baby! T-Rex: Okay, fine - THE STORY is that Bruce doesn't know he's Batman but then one day he reads a Batman comic that flutters down from the sky and realizes that he should be the Batman of our universe. Utahraptor: And then he gets shot by a random criminal! T-Rex: WHAT? NO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO BATMAN. Tiny Batman Head: i don't know why people say in real life i would be shot. i wear bullet-proof armour! T-Rex: I know, man! I know!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1069 God: T-REX T-Rex: God. God: LISTEN God: I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE A TINY BATMAN HEAD AROUND YOU YESTERDAY T-Rex: Indubitably! God: SO MY QUESTION TO THAT IS WHAT'S THE DEAL T-Rex: As near as I can figure it, the only logical explanation is that I love Batman SO MUCH that it made him real! He's real now or at least his head is real now and he wants to hang out with me because I understand him like nobody else does. He's gonna teach me how to punch someone sneaking up behind me without even turning around. Utahraptor: Batman's not real, T-Rex! I can't believe I'm saying this. T-Rex: But you saw his tiny floating head yesterday! Utahraptor: No, I didn't. I saw you say "you can't do that to Batman" and then say "I know! I know!!" and then I though "It's a good thing you're not easily embarrassed, Utahraptor. You're a good guy for not being easily embarrassed." T-Rex: What? [[A tiny Batman head appears in the upper right hand corner.]] Floating Batman Head: i have to go away for a while, t-rex. thank you for making me real, if only for a little while. always remember me. T=Rex: I - I will, Batman. Floating Batman Head: also always remember how i could beat superman in a fight. T-Rex: It's so obvious! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=107 T-Rex: What I'll remember best about my night with the Dromiceiomimus could only be one thing... T-Rex: The many games of "Scrabble"! T-Rex: And if it isnt Ms. "Syzygy" herself! Dromiceiomimus: The sooner you accept that's a word, T-Rex, the sooner you'll be able to accept your crushing loss in the field of word creation and manipulation using pseudo-random letters as atoms. T-Rex: Never! T-Rex: Those were indeed good games of "Scrabble"! Utahraptor: You played "Scrabble" without me?! T-Rex: Yeah, the Dromiceiomimus and I played, two nights ago. Utahraptor: Was this before or after the dinosaur sex? T-Rex: During! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1070 Narrator: I GUESS WE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Hah! LOOKS LIKE IT, bucko! T-Rex: I love the idea of someone who sends a card after a night of sex. It's sort of classy but also sort of insane? Dromiceiomimus: I've never seen a "thanks for the sex" card. What do they say? "Hey sweet stuff / That sex was fine / An offer of less sex / I would decline"? T-Rex: Hah! "Hey baby, thanks for the sex! / It was hot / (in most respects.)" Utahraptor: Hey, are we writing "thanks for the sex" cards? T-Rex: Utahraptor! We totally are!! T-Rex: Hey baby / that sex was fantastic / I hope next time / I'll be more enthusiastic? Utahraptor: Hey sweetie / that sex was neat / although we weren't / exactly discreet. T-Rex: Hey sexy / that sex was great! / It is how / we procreate! Utahraptor: That one's accurate! T-Rex: Anyway, to the recipient of this card: we had sex last night / and it was nice / I hope we used / a birth control device! T-Rex: The end! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1071 Narrator: I GUESS I HAD A GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT even though we didn't have sex Narrator: A WEB CARD T-Rex: Classy, dude! T-Rex: Anyway, dear recipient of this card: the sender had a good time last night, even though you didn't have sex with him! You don't NEED to have sex to have a good time. Just like me! Dromiceiomimus: Yesterday you told me you wanted your epitaph to be "T-Rex Always Needed Sex To Have A Good Time." T-Rex: It's just - it's such bad timing that you would mention that right now, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: Did you seriously say you wanted that as your epitaph? T-Rex: I was joking! T-Rex: If I have an epitaph I want it to be "Here Lies T-Rex / He Was Great / Actually Hold On A Second / He's Still Alive." Utahraptor: Okay. T-Rex: Alright then. Well. Back to the card, huh? T-Rex: Dear card recipient, the sender had a good time last night, even though you two didn't have sex! I'm going to say your name now to show how personalized this card is. T-Rex: Here I go! T-Rex: " " qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1072 Narrator: YOU DON'T KNOW ME BUT I LIKE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS a web "card" T-Rex: Your email address! It's - T-Rex: It's SO GOOD. T-Rex: Maybe it's whoistopless@ohheyeveryoneitsme.com, dowepartyhard@yesthatishowweparty.net, OR imtiredofpartying@guessimelderlynow.co.uk. Any of those are good. Dromiceiomimus: But not great. T-Rex: GOOD, but not great. T-Rex: The focus on partying appeals, though! Utahraptor: Okay, but the point of this card is that the recipient doesn't know the sender! T-Rex: Right! T-Rex: The sender's weird. I'm gonna assume she's a woman! She types in random email addresses she thinks are cool and then sends them web cards. What's her deal? Utahraptor: whatisherdeal@irepeatwhat-is-her-deal.com. T-Rex: EXACTLY. Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER: T-Rex: What's this, an email? From itsnotmybloodthankgoodness@iwokeupcoveredinblood.org? T-Rex: How INTRIGUING! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1073 T-Rex: Hey guys, do you ever think about what you want to be when you grow up? There are so many options! Teacher, astronaut, fireman, executive administrative assistant... Dromiceiomimus: You need to go to school for all those things. All you ever do is stomp. T-Rex: You did not let me finish. I want to be a stomper! Dromiceiomimus: There is no such profession. T-Rex: All you need is practice! I bet if I practice enough, I could get bif enough to stomp this whole house. Dromiceiomimus: Practicing does not make you get bigger, only getting older does that. Utahraptor: One day when you are older you will wish you had set your sights a little higher. T-Rex: Unlikely! T-Rex: One day when you are older, you will look back on all the dreams you have yet to fulfill, while I whistfully look back upon a fulfilling life of stomping. Utahraptor: So your idea of happiness is lowered expectations? T-Rex: No! My idea of happiness is stomping! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1074 T-Rex: I bet I still have all sorts of secret skills I just haven't discovered yet. Like - like throwing my voice! Future T-Rex: Yoo-hoo! T-Rex: OH MY GOODNESS I JUST DID IT! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! I can throw my voice! Check it out! T-Rex: Yoo-hoo! Dromiceiomimus: Wow! T-Rex: NO, not wow - that didn't work! But I did it before. I threw my voice before and it was AMAZING. I just need more practice! T-Rex: Ahem. T-Rex: Wait!! It worked! Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: I just realized I'm even better than I thought! I'm not just throwing my voice through space - I'm also throwing it through TIME! I can send messages to the past by simply throwing my voice there! Utahraptor: Okay, I'm gonna need some proof for that. T-Rex: Easy! I'll just remember to send a message back to this exact moment! Future T-Rex: Utahraptor! I'm gonna kiss you so much in ten minutes! T-Rex: Um - that, ah, wasn't me. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1075 Narrator: COMPRESSED CLASSIC SCIENCE FICTION SHORT STORIES today's story: THE LAST QUESTION BY ISAAC ASIMOV T-Rex: Okay in this story I'm a computer called Multivac! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, ask me if there will ever be a way to stop the sun from running down. Ask me if there will ever be a way to prevent the entire Universe from cooling down and dying. Ask ne if entropy can ever be reversed. Dromiceiomimus: Will there ever be a way to do that? T-Rex: Insufficient data for meaningful answer! T-Rex: Okay Utahraptor, now it's centuries later and you ask me the same thing. Utahraptor: Okay, how do I reverse entropy? T-Rex: Insufficient data for meaningful answer! Okay so trillions of years have gone by and we've spread across the universe and gotten more and more advanced. Soon all life merges with me and your question is the only one I could never answer. I spend timeless intervals pondering it, okay? Utahraptor: Okay. T-Rex: Actually I'm not going to spoil the ending! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1076 T-Rex: I have an extra $50 that I have saved. I believe I will put it in my bank account! God: NO T-REX THAT IS A BAD IDEA T-Rex: Explain! God: IF YOU LEAVE MONEY IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IT GETS INTEREST BUT IF IT'S NOT AS MUCH AS INFLATION YOU'RE ACTUALLY LOSING MONEY PLUS YOUR INVESTMENTS COULD BE MAKING MORE ON THE STOCK MARKET T-Rex: Fine! I'll invest my stupid $50 in the stock market. Okay? HAPPY? I'll invest my $50 in a company that makes NECKTIES FOR UNDERACHIEVING DOGS. Utahraptor: But before you do that, T-Rex, you should consider your investment goals! T-Rex: Man!! Utahraptor: Seriously! This is important. You need to decide: what do you want out of your investments? Security? Rapid growth? T-Rex: Listen: all I want out of life is for my bank account to have 58,008 dollars in it, so that when I read my statement upside down, it says "BOOBS". Banner: Worst answer to "What do you want out of your investments" question TODAY'S CHAMPION qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1077 T-Rex: I just had the funniest thought! The thought was, wouldn't it be HILARIOUS if someone thought that I was coasting on past successes? That would be funny because it's SO not me. T-Rex: SO. NOT. ME. Dromiceiomimus: Well, T-Rex. . . maybe it is you a little, you know? You do kind of talk yourself up a bit. T-Rex: But I only do that when I've done something awesome - like. . . like when I built a larger-than-life statue of myself! Dromiceiomimus: That was a year ago! T-Rex: IT IS SEVERAL STORIES TALL. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT FOR LONGER THAN A DAY. T-Rex: Man! Dromiceiomimus is crazy. I've done tons of stuff! Utahraptor: Nobody's arguing that! Utahraptor: But what have you done LATELY? I actually think that maybe you coast a bit on your past successes, T-Rex. T-Rex: What? I do not!! T-Rex: Seriously! I do not. Banner: Worst answer to "What do you want out of your investments" question YESTERDAY'S CHAMPION qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1078 Narrator: ISLAND DWARFISM COMICS T-Rex: Island dwarfism is BASICALLY the best form of evolution ever. T-Rex: It's SO CUTE! T-Rex: Basically, the idea is that if a species gets to an island and is then isolated, it can evolve on its own, apart from what's happening on the rest of the planet. And if food supplies are limited, as they often are on islands, smaller individuals have an evolutionary advantage since they need less food to live! If the larger species survives at all, it usually survives by shrinking. Utahraptor: How much shrinkage are we talking about here? T-Rex: Oh my goodness, Utahraptor, you have no idea! T-Rex: You can get dwarf ELEPHANTS. Tiny little elephants with tiny little tusks! Utahraptor: Yeah, but how tin- T-Rex: Is a 98% reduction in mass tiny enough for you? Utahraptor. THEY ARE THE MAYORS OF TINY TOWNE. Narrator: EARLIER: Mr. Tusks: Hullo T-Rex, my name is "Mr. Tusks" and I'm a tiny elephant! Someone left me on this island for too long. T-Rex: Oh my goodness, Mr. Tusks! Are you the MAYOR of Tiny Towne? Mr. Tusks: vice-mayor qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1079 T-Rex: Island gigantism is a pretty okay form of evolution. T-Rex: It's okay. Narrator: ISLAND GIGANTISM COMICS T-Rex: So what happens here is you've got a population that's so isolated on an island, but you have plenty of food and no predators! So smaller animals like birds and rodents that normal had to stay tiny to avoid being eaten are free from that constraint, and so they can evolve to be enormous. Giant turtles! Giant cockroaches! Giant birds! The dodo started out as a pigeon. Utahraptor: And now, all the dodos are dead! T-Rex: And now, all the dodos are dead. T-Rex: That's depressing, eh? It's the problem with island gigantism: as soon as we discover the island, we tend to either eat all the animals ourselves, or introduce new predators that find these trusting giants to be EASY PICKINS. Utahraptor: Yep! It's too bad. Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Mr Tusks, do you ever get depressed thinking about all the animals we've made extinct? Mr Tusks: I guess I get a... TINY bit depressed, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh, Mr. Tusks! how do you always know just what to say? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=108 T-Rex: I wonder if there would ever be a nation in the future that described itself in opposition to other nations! Narrator: Happy Canada Day Comics T-Rex: And in this future-nation there would be trees! And lakes! And birds! And beavers! T-Rex: Beavers would be important, somehow. T-Rex: Also this future-land everybody would live in igloos and fight bears. Utahraptor: Igloos? T-Rex: Yeah! Because my future-country is in the great while north and therefore everybody lives in igloos. Utahraptor: That's a cultural stereotype T-Rex. T-Rex: So? It's my made-up country. T-Rex: It doesn't actually exsist , you know. It is MADE-UP. CHIMERICAL. Narrator: Happy Narrator: Canada Narrator: Day qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1080 T-Rex: I'm Just so happy that I have a new friend who is a tiny elephant. Oh my goodness, I can't say how happy that makes me. To think of all these years I was looking for happiness in RELATIONSHIPS and SOCIETY when all that I wanted... T-Rex: ...was a tiny elephant friend named Mr. Tusks! T-Rex: Sometimes, Dromiceiomimus, in his official capacity of Vice-Mayor of Tiny Town Island, Mr. Tusks wears a tiny bowler hat. HOW IS THAT NOT ADORABLE. OH MY GOODNESS. Dromeceiomimus: Tiny Towne Island? I thought he just came from Tiny Towne. T-Rex: The Towne takes up most of the island, so they share the same name! His mailing address: ULTIMATELY ADORABLE. I love my little elephant friend! Utahraptor: T-Rex, aren't you being - ah, kind of racist? T-Rex: What? How? Utahraptor: It's just - every time you mention that you love Mr. Tusks, you mention that he's a tiny elephant. You treat his tiny elephant status as if it sums up his entire personality! T-Rex: Utahraptor, you're right! I need to apologize to him right away. Narrator: TINY TOWNE ISLAND: Mr Tusk's secretary: I'm sorry but the vice mayor is out on a SMALL errand. Would you like to leave a message? T-Rex: Hah! Will he be back SHORTLY? T-Rex: Good ol' Mr. Tusks! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1081 Narrator: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ETHICS AND MORALS Narrator: hey adults! put me in your wallet! T-Rex: Ethics and morals are not the same thing! T-Rex: I know! It's CRAZY. But ethics are something that you learn and study and are applied in society, while morals are more natural and instinctive. That's why you can have a low moral fibre (they're more innate), but there's no ethical fibre. You can only have poor ethical training! Dromiceiomimus: Amazing! T-Rex: I know! Utahraptor: So wait - can an act then be considered immoral, but still ethical? T-Rex: Possibly? T-Rex: Honestly, this is pretty much all I know about the difference between ethics and morals, and I'm not even sure that's right. Utahraptor: We could find out more at our local library! T-Rex: To the library! It's this way. I'm pointing to it with my fingers. Narrator: MUCH LATER: T-Rex: maybe it's this way instead qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1082 T-Rex: Okay, okay, so we can modify our personality, right? We're not the same people we were when we were six years old, and part of that has to be controlled by us. T-Rex: We make New Year's Resolutions for a reason! T-Rex: So we've got a self-modifying system: we examine our personality, determine things we don't like, and try to make them better. But how do we decide what we don't like? Our personality must feed into that process too! So you've got this feedback loop that goes all the way back to when we were born and started making decisions. And it seems to me that if you changed just a tiny thing early on, you could get a completely different adult down the road! Utahraptor: Sensitive dependence on initial conditions! It's chaos theory applied to personalities, right? T-Rex: Right! Utahraptor:Okay, some issues off just the top of my head: you haven't proven your assumption of control (conscious or otherwise) over personality, you seem to assume that babies are born as a blank slate with no initial personality, you leave the idea of "personality" pretty ill defined for something so central to your argument, and you haven't shown that altering behaviour (viz., Resolutions) is the same as altering personality. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: how does he make his voice so small qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1083 Narrator: SLANG FOR TEENS T-Rex: Teens! Are you interested in slang? T-Rex: Here is some handy slang for you, teens! "Bad" means "good". For example, "that rock concert was BAD!" Further, "bogus" means "bad", but these aren't transitive. Something that's bogus isn't good. "Bodacious" means "good", but these aren't symmetric either. A salad might be bodacious if it's exceptional, though. T-Rex: I've never had one like that. Utahraptor: Is there any reason why you're only doing outdated 80s slang? T-Rex: Hey, Utahraptor! T-Rex: Is there any reason why you're being such a DWEEB-O-RAMA? T-Rex: OH SNAP! Who just got burned by his best friend for some mild criticism? T-Rex: Utahraptor! It says here that it's you! It says right here on "BURN CHART 2007" that you're #1! Narrator: A FEW MINUTES LATER: T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: I've got some regrets! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1084 Text: A MYSTERY STORY Text: Once upon a time there was guy who "knocked over" (broke into) a bank and stole some money. Who did it? It was a mystery. Nobody knew the answer. They all asked each other who "knocked over" the bank but nobody knew for sure. Text: It was this guy. He did it. T-Rex. This guy. Text: But the bank was evil so it was okay to steal from it. It was justified. It's like if you stole from Hitler. Would that be so bad? Hitler would be mad if you stole from him. But, he's Hitler. There are a lot of moral grey areas in mystery stories. Text: Most banks aren't even evil but this one was pretty bad. Imagine the worst things you can do. I will tell you right now that this bank did them five times before breakfast. Text: There was a cop called Utahraptor who saw T-Rex and he chased him on foot. It was exciting. Where would the chase lead to now? Text: The chase was on motorbikes for a while and then on skateboards. Then they chased on hang gliders. A bystander told his wife it was the best chase ever and she knew it was true. They were chasing on foot again when it ended. Utahraptor arrested T-Rex, but T-Rex explained how the bank was evil. The cop thought now I am torn between the law and what I believe is right. What do I do now! Utahraptor let T-Rex go with a warning. T-Rex said thanks I have learned my lesson. The mystery was solved, except for one part: where would the spirit of adventure take T-Rex next?? T-Rex: So? What do you think, Pulitzer Prize-winning author Michael Chabon? Michael Chabon: I asked you to proofread a chapter, not to substitute your own retarded story! T-Rex: I don't think you should use the word "retarded" like that, Michael Chabon. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1085 T-Rex: The best part of my mystery story was obviously the chase scene. Therefore, I've written a new story - T-Rex: - one that's ALL chase scene! T-Rex: So Utahraptor's chasing the main character of T-Rex, right? On foot. But then it escalates! Soon they're chasing on jury-rigged rollerblades. Then in expensive cars that they find! Then the cars explode, and they're thrown from the explosion straight into waiting GYROCOPTERS. And THEN, the gyrocopters crash on boats and they chase on the boats! T-Rex: The boats can turn into SUBMARINES, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: But what's the narrative? You can't just have two people chasing each other. T-Rex: YEAH 'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE SO BORING T-Rex: It's awesome. There's a part where the chase takes us to outer space, on rockets! And then after a gun fight IN ORBIT we're both in freefall back to Earth - but without parachutes and with our spacesuits rapidly heating up! Will this fight end in victory... or in fiery death for us both? FIND OUT IN MY NEXT BOOK! T-Rex: The book is called, "A Plane Saved Them, And You Should Have Seen It." qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1086 Narrator: T-REX THE TALKING DINOSAUR IN: T-Rex: Is it true that the content of our thoughts - their very meaning - is determined, at least in part, by our environment? Narrator: SEMANTIC EXTERNALISM COMICS T-Rex: Okay, suppose I think "I love chocochops", which are of course delicious chocolate pork chops with a real pork chop bone. And say there's a twin Earth, completely identical - EXCEPT that there, chocochops have a different chemical makeup, but taste and look the same! If my twin thinks "I love chocochops", he's actually referring to the one with CRAZY CHEMICALS, while when I think that, I'm referring to a chemically different object. The environment determines our semantics! Utahraptor: Ah, the famous "Twin Earth" thought experiment of Hilary Putnam! T-Rex: SOMEONE CAME UP WITH IT FIRST? Utahraptor: Yeah, only his example was about water having a different composition on Twin Earth, instead of those hauntingly stupid chocochops you invented. The point is that both thinkers have the exact same mental state but are saying different things, and the environment is responsible for meaning there. Narrator: EPILOGUE: A FEW DAYS LATER, T-REX CALLS HIS GRANDMOTHER. T-Rex: But I don't mention anything about semantic externalism! T-Rex: Sometimes I like to call her just to say hello qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1087 Narrator: EVERYONE I KNOW IS BECOMING VEGETARIAN Narrator: A COMIC BASED ON A TRUE STORY Narrator: MANY TRUE STORIES T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I know you're vegetarian, but you've been vegetarian since forever. You were ahead of the curve! But lately everyone ELSE is suddenly like, "Oh, T-Rex, I'm sorry, *I* don't eat pork chops anymore because they're way too delicious. And gosh, no, no, steaks are out too because they don't have any stupid chlorophyll in them!" Dromiceiomimus: Well "#8212; T-Rex: ?That's what they're like! Utahraptor: Don't you respect vegetarians? T-Rex: I do! MOST OF THEM. T-Rex: I guess I'm not used to feeling in the minority in knowing that animals can be friends AND food! It's not hard! You say, "Aw, that animal is SO CUTE" and then the camera cuts away and when it cuts back they have a bite mark out of them and I look cartoonishly guilty. The end! T-Rex: Hold on, I'm gonna go make that film. Movie Poster Text: THE GUY WHO KEPT TAKING BITES OUT OF ANIMALS Movie Poster Text: Once In a Lifetime Comes a Movie (In The German Expressionist Tradition) In Which A Dinosaur Takes Cartoony Bites out of Cows and Then Tries to Avoid Punishment for That."#8482; Movie Poster Text: "BITINGLY hilarious!" --Everyone?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1088 Movie Poster Text: THE GUY WHO STILL KEPT TAKING BITES OUT OF ANIMALS Movie Poster Text: This Time"#8230; The Farmer Is More Exasperated At All The Bites! The Sequel To The Movie That You Saw Before. T-Rex: I bet I can get AT LEAST three more movies out of this premise! Movie Poster Text: TEH GUY WHO KEPT TAKING BITES OUT OF ANIMALS - IN LOVE! T-Rex: I love biting animals. Dromiceiomimus: I love "#8212; you! Movie Poster Text: What a great romantic comedy! Will they get together at the end? "#8230;What if there was a musical montage?"#8230; Movie Poster Text: THE TWO GUYS WHO KEPT TAKING BITES"#8230;OUT OF CRIME! Movie Poster Text: They Are Cops Now, Okay Movie Poster Text: Direct to VHS Movie Poster Text: THE TWO BITEY GUYS DISCUSS EARLY APPROACHES TOWARDS LAISSEZ-FAIRE CAPITALISM Movie Poster Text: "Five stars"#8230;out of a possible FOUR!" Movie Poster Text: "I liked all the jump cuts" Movie Poster Text: THE BITEY GUY THAT YOU LIKED FROM BEFORE IS BACK ONLY THIS TIME HE HAS A SEXY LESBIAN FRIEND Movie Poster Text: THE MOVIE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1089 Narrator: ELECTION COMICS T-Rex: Oh my goodness do I ever love ELECTIONS. T-Rex: You can't spell "selection" without "election"! T-Rex: Not - not that really has any bearing on "selection" or "election". I'm pretty sure they have different etymologies. In fact, I'm almost certain, especially since I've never heard of "s" alone bing used as as a prefix. So REALLY, there's no reason I'd talk about the shared spelling between "selection" and "election" unless my intent was to mislead people based on coincidental surface construction! Huh. Narrator: THE END Narrator: ELECTION COMICS FOR REAL THIS TIME Utahraptor: Hey, did you vote? T-Rex: Let me answer that... T-Rex: ... with a "HELLS YEAH!!". I voted so hard, Utahraptor. You should have seen me. I was DEMOCRACY IN ACTION. I picked up my ballot and said"HELLS YEAH!!" and then when I stuffed it into the ballot box, i did it with so much panache and ?lan that I can't hardly wait for the novelization. T-Rex: You know what I'm sayin', Utahraptor? You pickin' up what I'm throwin' down? T-Rex: It's going to be one HECK of a novelization. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=109 T-Rex: I have been quietly seeking out part-time employment, and my search has finally come to an end! T-Rex: Tomorrow, I start in my new employ. T-Rex: I will be a bouncer! T-Rex: And if people start causing trouble, I will say, "Are you looking for trouble, Mister? Because you have found the trouble you were looking for!" T-Rex: Then I will stomp on him like this! T-Rex: Or perhaps like this! Utahraptor: Quit stomping on people! T-Rex: I cannot, for now I work as a bouncer and stomping on unruly customers is part of my job! Utahraptor: Fine then, I'm going to get a job as a T-Rex hunter. Utahraptor: Shooting T-Rexes will be part of MY job! T-Rex: Noooo! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1090 T-Rex: In verificationism, a sentence has to be verifiably true (or false!) for it to be meaningful. Not bad, guys! I think this is one philosophy that is verifiably REASONABLE. T-Rex: So that's it for arguing about religion! Can't verify faith! T-Rex: In fact, that's it for a lot of debate, because how can you argue FACTS? Most verificationist arguments must end with the parties involved looking things up in an encyclopaedia together and then firmly shaking hands. Dromiceiomimus: But if they can't verify something, what do they do? T-Rex: They agree that the sentence is meaningless! If it can't be checked, there's no use considering it, so it's ignored. Facts only please!! Utahraptor: But how does anyone know what's true? T-Rex: Because... because of Science? Utahraptor: Come on, T-Rex, you know better! Science is about being empirically ACCURATE, which might not be the same thing as being true. Plus your senses could be lying to you, you could be a brain in a jar, etc.. If you're going to be verificationist, you're going to need a pretty impregnable definition of "truth". T-Rex: Aha! But I can't VERIFY that my senses are liars, nor can I verify that I'm a brain in a jar! How does THAT taste, Utahraptor? Utahraptor: You can verify the science thing! T-Rex: Can you just tell me how it tastes, when you put THAT in your pipe and smoke it? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1091 T-Rex: If I'm going to be verificationist, I'd better figure out what it means to say that something is true! I'm going to start with... relativism! T-Rex: This one is all, "Well, it's true for me!" T-Rex: Guys. Come on. This is the dumbest theory of truth. This is the theory of truth that draws tattoos on itself in blue pen and then when you ask why anyone would draw a picture on their forearm of tree, with sausages, with the words "sausage tree" beneath it, it gets mad and says "You don't understand my truth!" T-Rex: I'm - I'm personifying a little here but that's seriously what relativism does. Utahraptor: What about fascist truth, where something is true because those with power say it's true? T-Rex: Again - ultra dumb! T-Rex: What I want is a theory of truth that's incontrovertible. In fact, I don't want even a THEORY of truth! I want a fact of truth. Utahraptor: You're not going to get it! There's like 20 trillion theories, but no facts. T-Rex: Oh YEAH?? We'll see about that! Narrator: TWENTY TRILLION THEORIES OF TRUTH LATER: T-Rex: Well God, I guess it really just goes to show you that there's many different competing ideas about what "true" really means! God: UH HUH T-Rex: And THAT'S the truth! God: UH HUH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1092 T-Rex: Wait, I know some truths that are absolute: mathematical truths! How could I have been so blind? T-Rex: It is a FACT that one plus one equals two! T-Rex: All I need is a way to convert mathematical truths to the real world and I WILL NEVER BE WRONG AGAIN! Dromiceiomimus: Um - I'm sorry to break it to you, T-Rex, but mathematical truths aren't absolute either. Math is built on a priori assumptions: you start with a few things that you assume are true and build on them! Stuff like "1+2 is the same as 2+1". Then you build up a mathematical system around that, but that doesn't mean math is true. It's just - consistent! T-Rex: But... 1+2 IS the same as 2+1! Utahraptor: Or so you think, T-Rex! T-Rex: Damn my potentially-flawed senses! Utahraptor: When our mathematical assumptions APPEAR to match up with reality, the results may also seem to apply - but math isn't any more "true" because of that! It's still based on unproven/unprovable assumptions. And you can actually build up systems where you decide that 1+2 does not equal 2+1, and they're just as consistent! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Attention, everyone I've ever met and ever will meet! Never mention the "flawed senses" idea again, okay? It prevents me from knowing absolute truth. Everyone T-Rex has ever met and ever will meet: SURE THING, T-REX! T-Rex: Patrick Stewart! What are you doing here? Patrick Stewart: um, being BORED qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1093 T-Rex: I have gone too far "down the rabbit hole" and am reduced to being sure only of my own thoughts, and even then some other chump could be projecting them into my head. To that I say: "whatEVER!" T-Rex: People do fine with approximations! T-Rex: So what if truth is a platonic ideal that can't be reached? I'm fine with that! When someone says to me, "T-Rex, your birthday is this Saturday," will I demand they prove it? No. I will say "wicked sweettimes" and then I would say "what did you get me" and then I would say "I bet it's so awesome" and that will be that. Utahraptor: Hey, your birthday really is this Saturday! T-Rex: See? It's true! T-Rex: OR, it's close enough to true that we all agree on it. Brains in jars don't get birthdays! This is the reality I'm living in, and if it's not real then OH WELL, at least we'll all be eating ice cream cake come Saturday. You know? Utahraptor: I hear you! Voice: Hey, T-Rex! This ice cream cake is delicious! T-Rex: Thanks! Don't you think it tastes like... philosophical compromise? Voice: Only a little! T-Rex: But you can hardly taste it, eh? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1094 T-Rex: What if... what if I had the BEST HOUSE EVER this Hallowe'en? [[inside T-Rex's thought bubble]] Guys: T-Rex! This house is SPOOK-TACULAR! T-Rex: Guys, I totally know!! T-Rex: I must make this dream come true! But HOW? Dromiceiomimus: What if you made your house spiritually scary, T-Rex? Like, instead of a corpse, a mannequin of a woman who is realizing that she has married badly. T-Rex: Not bad! And I could have a spooky tape, but instead of chainsaws and screams, I'd have the voice of a man quietly dictating memories of his youth, knowing Alzheimer's will rob him of them soon. Utahraptor: But these ideas won't be scary for passers-by! T-Rex: Sure they will! Utahraptor: They need explanation! The best scares are like the best art, where you get it viscerally, without a little placard beneath it that says "OKAY. SO. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS ALZHEIMER'S." T-Rex: Man, you just wait! Kids will be boarding the train to SCARYTOWNE at my house. Narrator: HALLOWE'EN NIGHT: Kid: Mister, why is that man talking about when he was a kid? T-Rex: Because he's got a disease that robs him of his memories, relationships and identity. It is death before death. T-Rex: Oooh, what scary costumes! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1095 Narrator: JANUARY: T-Rex: Ah, the start of a brand new year. There's so much potential! What could possibly go wrong? Narrator: FEBRUARY: T-Rex: Stood up on Valentine's day? Narrator: MARCH: T-Rex: Stood up on ST. PATRICK'S DAY?! Dromiceiomimus: Aww, T-Rex, we can still hang out and drink green beer! T-Rex: Thanks, Dromiceiomimus. But man, who stands someone up on St. Patrick's day? BESIDES MY DATE, THAT IS!! Narrator: MAY: T-Rex: I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS STOOD UP AGAIN, TODAY, ON CINCO DE MAYO. Utahraptor: Aww, T-Rex! It'll be okay! Narrator: SEPTEMBER: T-Rex: Remember my St. Patrick's Day date? The woman who stood me up? Utahraptor: Yep! T-Rex: TODAY IS LABOUR DAY (LABOR DAY IN THE UNITED STATES) AND SHE STOOD ME UP AGAIN. Narrator: DECEMBER: T-Rex: You know, besides being stood up all the time, it wasn't actually that bad a year! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1096 T-Rex: You know how in stories, whenever a character has the chance, he always decides that it's too dangerous to know too much about his own future? T-Rex: Um, I would like to know too much, please! T-Rex: Knowing who I marry, knowing where I end up living - all of these would be great timesavers! Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, but then you'd lose the hoy of living your own life! There'd be no more surprises. T-Rex: Okay, knowing just one thing, then. Going through life knowing that no matter what, I'm going to win the lottery, for example! Utahraptor: Or, knowing that no matter what, you're NEVER going to win the lottery! T-Rex: Also good! T-Rex: I just want one little tidbit, you know? Utahraptor: Okay - um, NO MATTER WHAT, one day you're going to... eat a whole pif? T-Rex: Man I coulda told you that! I accidentally almost ate a whole pig at breakfast, you know? God: T-REX ONE DAY YOU'RE GOING TO PUNCH AN ATTACKING BEAR IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS AND THEN HE'LL BEND OVER IN PAIN AND THEN YOU'LL ELBOW HIM IN THE BACK T-Rex: Oh my goodness! T-Rex: My future! It's... it's so AWESOME... qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1097 Narrator: THINGS TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE HAS BROKEN UP WITH YOU T-Rex: Sometimes, someone will break up with you. Aw snaps! What do you say to THAT? T-Rex: Here are some things you can say to that! T-Rex: "It's okay, sweetie! I'm sure one day you'll find someone ALMOST as good as me!" T-Rex: "Would you also break up with a rocket skateboard? BECAUSE THOSE WOULD BE GREAT. LIKE ME. I AM GREAT." Dromiceiomimus: "You can't fire me, baby! I quit!" Utahraptor: "Don't you think you should have settled while you were ahead?" T-Rex: "What if your next boyfriend is uglier?" T-Rex: "Honestly though, I will always treasure the time we had together. I liked who I was with you - who we were together - and I hope we'll both be able to take that with us in the future. You've changed me and you're a part of who I am. I know our relationship will be different now, but I can't imagine ever not loving you." T-Rex: "Oh, were we dating?" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1098 T-Rex: Wouldn't it be funny if I planted A FAKE GRAVE for future generations to discover? T-Rex's thought bubble: YES. T-Rex: Why, yes, it would! T-Rex: What I'm going to do is get a construction crew to put a skeleton, wearing workman's clothes, RIGHT IN MY HOUSE'S WALLS. Then, when my house is torn down in the future, the deconstruction crew will wonder which of their unlucky cousins faced such a grim demise! Dromiceiomimus: But where are you going to get a skeleton? T-Rex: From... the internet? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Forget you, internet! Your skeletons cost like $6000! Utahraptor: $6000 for a plastic skeleton? T-Rex: Well, no, a real one. But if I use a fake one the prank will be found out too soon! Utahraptor: Not if you chemically touch it up. It should withstand scrutiny long enough to make the news! T-Rex: SERIOUSLY?? Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER: T-Rex: I get to spend the rest of my life being in on a great joke, and knowing that after I'm dead some honest tradespeople are going to be spooked, then intrigued, then cheezed off at me! T-Rex: Not bad! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1099 T-Rex: God, guess what I'M going to do today! God: UM PLANT MORE FAKE GRAVES T-Rex: Indeed!! T-Rex: Fake graves...for EVERYONE! T-Rex: One of them will be a dude with the remains of a time machine, and I'm gonna put him down at the Permian-Triassic boundary (the greatest extinction event EVER, in which 95% of all marine species and 70% of all land life became extinct)! I'm gonna make it look like this guy's time machine was responsible. It'll be all there in his notebook. "My time machine accidentally blew up and is responsible for the mass extinctions. Frig." T-Rex: All of this will go in Dromiceiomimus's back yark, which I forgot to ask permission about! Utahraptor: And in mine? T-Rex: Utahraptor, in YOUR back yard I'd like to bury a skeleton, but I'm also gonna give him some extra fingers and also we'll cover him in feathers. People will say "Who was this Incredible Feathered Bird Man with all the crazy fingers? Was he - was he a GOD?" Utahraptor: 'Kay! Narrator: LATER, ON TINY-TOWNE ISLAND! T-Rex: Tell me honestly, Mr. Tusks: do you think my grave pranks are DEFINITELY the most awesome ideas you've ever heard? Mr. Tusks: I think they're a...TINY bit awesome, T-Rex! T-Rex: Mr. Tusks...are you just saying that for the pun? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=11 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for pointing out the failures of others! T-Rex: I will consider it as a public service! T-Rex: To begin: your house is too small and your car is slightly out of scale! And you! Your colouring is improbable! T-Rex: You, tiny woman, are too tiny and also lack personality! Utahraptor: I'm not a woman! T-Rex: My comments were addressed to the young lady beneath my foot; you were not their intended target. Utahraptor: My apologies. T-Rex: You have difficulty discerning to whom I am speaking! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=110 T-Rex: I babysat a pterodactyl last night. It was pretty fun, I red him his favourite stories, we played some games, but then I lost him so I ate some sandwiches and went home. T-Rex: All in all, a good night! Dromiceiomimus: What? You LOST the baby pterodactyl you were sitting? You LOST a BABY? T-Rex! THIS IS A MUCH BIGGER DEAL THAN YOU THINK IT IS! T-Rex: But - she can have more, right? She won't mind if one goes missing, right? Dromiceiomimus: Holy cow! She will mind, T-Rex! You are in big trouble! Dromiceiomimus: Holy cow! T-Rex: oh no oh no oh no! I lost the baby I was sitting! I am the world's worst babysitter! Utahraptor: WHAT?! Utahraptor: You lost the baby you were supposed to take care of? Utahraptor: Oh my god! Utahraptor: You're screwed! T-Rex: I'm screwed! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1100 T-Rex: Cargo cults are religions that have developed during World War II in island tribal societies exposed to the West! Islanders saw planes delivering amazing and valuable cargo to the troops, and believed it to be divine. Narrator: KARGO KULT KOMICS T-Rex: During the war, the islanders would see this cargo going to the troops and would grow to believe that the gods meant it for them - that the white people were just getting it sooner because of their influential rituals. And of couse, after the war ended and the troops left, the cargo stopped being dropped too. Utahraptor: So what happened then? T-Rex: The islanders started mimicking what they'd seen the troops doing! T-Rex: The result was ersatz marches, imitation airstrips and walkie talkies made out of wood and bamboo, and even torch signal flares, used to signal divine planes that never come! Utahraptor: Wow! It recasts Western military culture and tools as religious practice and iconography, respectively! T-Rex: I know! It's CRAZY! Not in the pejorative sense, but in the more esoteric "Holy crap the Prime Directive on Star Trek was RIGHT" sense of crazy. It's a very particular sense of crazy but I'm feeling it right now! Utahraptor: I'm feeling it right now too, and I don't even watch nerd shows!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1101 T-Rex: What if - what if I started my OWN cargo cult? God: NO THAT IS NOT ALLOWED T-Rex: Aw man! You say that for ALL the awesome stuff. Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: What if I put chocolate sauce in my iced tea? God: DON'T DO IT T-Rex: I'm gonna!! Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: What if I started my OWN waterslide, but put a fine layer of gasoline on top, and then lit it, so that when you slide you could slide through FIRE (EXTREME!!), but then if it got too hot, you'd just have to go underwater to "cool down"? God: NO T-Rex: I'd give you a FREE pass! God: GONNA HAVE TO STICK WITH NOPERS HERE T-Rex: What if I made... carbonated CARBON? Utahraptor: That's a terrible idea! Utahraptor: It doesn't even make sense. If you carbonate a solid the best you're gonna get is a solid with carbon dioxide bubbles in it. And if you've done that you've probably come up with Swiss cheese, so upon closer inspection I think this is a great idea as I would actually like some Swiss cheese, please. God: CAN I GET SOME TOO qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1102 Narrator: HALLOWE'EN JOKES FOR CHILDREN Narrator: AND ADULTS Narrator: I GUESS Narrator: HALLOWE'EN JOKES FOR CHILDREN AND ADULTS T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Which kind of street does a ghost love best? Dromiceiomimus: Which? T-Rex: A DEAD END! Dromiceiomimus: Oh my goodness! T-Rex: I know! Should you laugh... OR RUN IN TERROR? Narrator: HALLOWE'EN JOKES FOR PEOPLE INTERESTED IN LEARNING MORE ABOUT BATS T-Rex: Hey Utahraptor! Why don't bats live alone? Utahraptor: I don't know, T-Rex! Why DON'T bats live alone? T-Rex: Because they prefer to hang out with their friends! Utahraptor: Bats are nocturnal mammals who can hang upside down while resting. Narrator: GENERATIVE HALLOWE'EN JOKES Voice from outside the panel: What kind of pie do ghosts like? T-Rex: BOOberry! Voice from outside the panel: Where do ghosts go on vacation? T-Rex: Mali-BOO! Voice from outside the panel: Why do ghosts hate slavery? T-Rex: Because... they're aBOOlitionists? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1103 T-Rex: Homophones are words that SOUND the same but mean different things, like "news" and "gnus". Way to go only part way, HOMOPHONES. T-Rex: Don't bother showing up to my dinner party, HOMOPHONES. T-Rex: More impressive, and still invited for Yukon Potato Gnocchi, are words that are SPELT the same, but have two different meanings: words like "attribute" (to credit something to someone) and "attribute" (a property of something)! One's a noun and one's a verb and it's seriously so awesome. I cannot imagine how to perfect these words, as they are already perfect! Oh ho ho! Utahraptor: But are there really a lot of these words? T-Rex: Utahraptor! Let's be serious! T-Rex: Are you not familiar with accent? Or with addict, combine, conduct, conflict, content, and object? PERHAPS YOU'D ALSO LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO PERFECT, PRESENT, PROGRESS, REFUND, SUSPECT, AND UPSET? Utahraptor: Okay. T-Rex: Okay. Well. They're at my dinner party tonight. Narrator: LATER THAT EVENING. T-Rex: Man! I've got to start inviting REAL people to my parties. God: WAIT WHAT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1104 Narrator: LATE LAST NIGHT: God: T-REX HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF HOMOGRAPHIC HOMOPHONIC AUTANTONYMS T-Rex: I have not! God: OKAY SO HERE'S WHAT THEY'RE LIKE Narrator: THIS MORNING: T-Rex: Sorry, other word classes! I have a NEW girlfriend now! T-Rex: A homographic homophonic autantonym is a word that is spelt AND pronounced the same, but has two opposite and contradictory meanings! For example, I can dust a crop (adding pesticides to it), or I can dust a counter (removing dust from it)! Way to go, dust! You are a winner; you are a word that contains multitudes. Dromiceiomimus: Why do we let language get like this? T-Rex: Probably because we want it to be incredibly awesome? Utahraptor: And both "dust"s are the same part of speech there, too, so you can't use word order to determine meaning! T-Rex: INDEED! T-Rex: ALL YOU CAN DO is hope to use your real-world knowledge about crops and tables to figure out what's going on. And it's even worse with words like "overlook", meaning "examine" but ALSO meaning "miss noticing entirely". Can't rely on the noun there! Utahraptor: How come you love words that make communication difficult? T-Rex: What is not to like? They're words that do their job in the most sarcastic, sullen, passive-aggressive way possible, and they totally get away with it! T-Rex: I just want to pat them on the head and ruffle their hair, you know? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1105 T-Rex: He's Just Not That Into You? Come on. I can write a better self-help book for people who want cold-hard yet charmingly sassy relationship advice! T-Rex: Probably! Book Cover Text: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOUR RAMBLEY STORIES Book Cover Text: they go on for SO long and we all get tired Book Cover Text: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO WOMEN WHO REMIND HIM OF HIS MOTHER Book Cover Text: Personality-Wise? Maybe It's Your Body. Book Cover Text: HE'S A TOTAL JERK BUT YOU GET MAD AT US IF WE SAY THAT Book Cover Text: so this book is about dinosaurs instead Book Cover Text: happy anniversary Book Cover Text: HE BROKE UP WITH YOU BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU Book Cover Text: he didn't dial the wrong number and then break up with you because he thought you were somebody else with the same name that he no longer wanted to be cheating on you with, is the thing Book Cover Text: YOUR BODY NO LONGER EXCITES HER Book Cover Text: the book! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1106 Book Cover Text: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, MAN Book Cover Text: Probably She's Attracted To Men Who Are Different From You In Some Way Book Cover Text: What The Heck, Right? Book Cover Text: who the heck does she think she is Book Cover Text: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU"#8230;R TASTE IN MUSIC Book Cover Text: don't worry DON'T WORRY everything else is FINE Book Cover Text: IN MY LAST BOOK I SAID HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC BUT WHAT I ACTUALLY WANTED TO TELL YOU WAS THAT HE'S "#8212; HE'S GREAT Book Cover Text: he's a real catch and um, you should get married Book Cover Text: "tie the knot" Book Cover Text: ha ha Book Cover Text: THE MAN WHO KISSED A WOMAN BECAUSE HIS FRIEND AT WORK KEPT TEASING HIM ABOUT NOT KISSING ANYONE FOR A WHILE Book Cover Text: sure showed HIM Book Cover Text: HE DOESN'T CALL BECAUSE IT'S LONG DISTANCE AND HE HAS CRIPPLING DEBT Book Cover Text: you know those stock photos of a man with scissors cutting up his credit cards because he has too much debt? that was him! Book Cover Text: THAT DOES NOT ERASE YOUR DEBT, MAN WITH SCISSORS Book Cover Text: MY LAST BOOK WAS MORE ABOUT FINANCIAL ADVICE THAN RELATIONSHIPS qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1107 Book Cover Text: WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP BUYING T-REX'S RELATIONSHIP BOOKS Book Cover Text: is it because he's on the cover? that's the only reason i can think of Book Cover Text: WELL HERE HE IS Book Cover Text: a book by utahraptor T-Rex: WHAT T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, Utahraptor put me on his friggin' book! It's got me on the cover and it makes me look like I wrote it even though the title is just pure sass. It is pure SASSY MOLASSY. Dromiceiomimus: Um, why don't you talk to him about it? T-Rex: I will! Right after I stomp on a few things to work off my anger, that is! Utahraptor: Hey buddy! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. T-Rex: The mere sight of you has returned my anger! Why did you put out that book? Utahraptor: What book? T-Rex: SOMEONE put out sass-ass book, and said it was by Utahraptor! Utahraptor: It wasn't me, man! Let me see. Maybe there's a club to who really did it. Book Cover Text: THAT LAST BOOK WAS PUT OUT BY DROMICEIOMIMUS, NOT BY ME OR UTAHRAPTOR Book Cover Text: what the heck, dromiceiomimus Book Cover Text: when will we pick up the phone to talk about this rather than going through publishing companies, is my question qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1108 T-Rex: All I've got to show for the past week is a bunch of books that nobody is ever going to read! Narrator: LET'S ALL TAKE STOCK OF THE PAST WEEK COMICS Dromiceiomimus: All I've got to show for the past week is a book I published as part of a practical joke that I really enjoyed! Also I made a delicious meal, but that's gone now. I'm experimenting with eggplant. T-Rex: Not bad! I wish I could have tried it! Dromiceiomimus: Next time! Utahraptor: All I've got to show for the past week is a kick-ass scar! T-Rex: What?! When did you get that? Utahraptor: I got it when I fell rocket skating after hang-gliding off a mountain and landing in waiting rocket skates! I hit a bump after a few kilometers. T-Rex: Man, I missed out on ROCKET SKATING because I was writing books? That sucks! That - T-Rex: That SUCKS. God: ALL I'VE GOT TO SHOW FOR THE PAST WEEK IS A POCKET UNIVERSE I CREATED WHERE EVERYONE FINISHES EVERY SENTENCE WITH "TO THE MAX" T-Rex: Well at least THAT sounds totally awesome to the max! God: YEAH God: SAVE IT FOR THE POCKET UNIVERSE MAN qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1109 T-Rex: So this homeless guy asked me for change yesterday. T-Rex: The first thing I thought was, "Sure!" T-Rex: But then I thought, well, wait, if I really want to fight homelessness, wouldn't this money be better spent on community programs that fight it, both through helping the homeless, and through political change? But then I thought, well, this guy's right here, you know, and saying that I'm going to make a donation isn't gonna cut it. And then I thought, wait, this guy looks pretty out of it- is he going to spend my money on drugs? Do I want to tacitly support his addiction? Utahraptor: And then you thought how prejudiced that was? T-Rex: Sure did! T-Rex: And then I thought, even if he is going to spend it on drugs, is it my job to deny him money? Should I go around enforcing my morality on others? And then I thought, geez man, how ridiculous am I that a guy asking for change throws me into these throes of self-doubt and analysis? Utahraptor: Pretty ridiculous? T-Rex: Pretty ridiculous! But then I recalled Socrates "The unexamined life is not worth living" and at that point my head pretty much exploded. Utahraptor: Did you give the guy anything? T-Rex: I gave him my change and whispered "DON'T TELL ANYONE UNTIL I CAN FIGURE US OUT"? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=111 Narrator: PREVIOUSLY, ON "DINOSAUR COMICS". . . T-Rex: Today is a beautiful day to be stomping on things! As a dinosaur, stomping is the best part of my day indeed! T-Rex: I think the Dromiceiomimus has a crush on me! Dromiceiomimus: Want to come over for some "chai" tea? T-Rex: Sure! Utahraptor: You and the Dromiceiomimus had dinosaur sex?! T-Rex: Sure did! Utahraptor: And you played Scrabble without me? T-Rex: Yes! Can we continue this later? I have to go babysit a little pterodactyl. T-Rex: I lost the baby I was babysitting! T-Rex: I'm screwed! Narrator: AND NOW, THE CONCLUSION. . . qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1110 Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE ALL PROVERBS ARE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT: T-Rex: My bike broke because I had maintained it poorly. But you know what they say! T-Rex: "200 kilotons of prevention is worth 3200 kilotons of cure!" T-Rex: They also say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor in his house. Look: the doctor has no clients." Dromiceiomimus: Further, T-Rex, they go on to observe that "One bad apple spreads decay to other apples stored nearby. An entire barrel can easily be ruined in this manner." T-Rex: It's SO TRUE. Utahraptor: Hey, have you noticed how our proverbs are - a little awkward? T-Rex: Now that you mention it, I have! Utahraptor: It's like they're all poorly-phrased versions of things that could be condensed down. Like, "You are what you ingest, figuratively, and, in a sense, literally!" It's just weird. T-Rex: You'd expect that over time they'd condense down to their core meanings. But I guess that's our friggin' universe for you! Narrator: LATER, A LONG TRAIN RIDE HOME: T-Rex: "If there was a singular Dickens who had to pee, I would be SO like him right now." qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1111 T-Rex: Who was the dude sitting alone at the biggest table in a packed restaurant last night, waiting for friends who never came? It was ME! T-Rex: Friiiiiig! Dromiceiomimus: But it's tonight that we're all planning to meet for dinner! T-Rex: I know! I got the dates confused and there I was, Mr. No Friends Who Likes To Pretend. After about 30 minutes I started smiling at people who'd look at me and make this shrugging "Friends, huh? They sure are unreliable!" gesture, which I'd then follow up with a "I have lots of friends: hand signal. Looks like this. Utahraptor: So you were That Guy at the restaurant! T-Rex: I was! But then I started trying to own it, you know? T-Rex: I ordered this big appetizer platter "for my friends when they arrive" and distributed it so there was food for everyone, slowly picking at my share while the rest went cold. It was great. I perfected this heart-breakingly hopeful glance up whenever new people came it. Utahraptor: Oh man! T-Rex: Eventually I just stopped looking up at all, blankly staring at the chicken wing bones on my plate. Finally I ordered a piece of cake with a candle and sang "Happy birthday" to myself, quiet and soft. T-Rex: The waitress gave me the cake for free! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1112 T-Rex: I have the greatest idea for a movie! I've said this before but this time it's for serious. There's this cop, right? T-Rex: Right! T-Rex: And he's a "by-the-books" cop who does everything "by-the-books". But one day a big crime is committed and the only guy who knows anything about it is this criminal: a criminal who is prone to cracking wise! So the cop and the criminal have to team up to stop the bad guys before they commit crimes again. And at the end they have learned to respect each other's way of life, and they hug for a while. Five stars! Utahraptor: Aw, T-Rex, come on. Why would a "by-the-books" cop team up with a criminal? T-Rex: Um, TO SOLVE CRIMES?? Utahraptor: But he's by the books! I don't think there's anything in the "books" about deputizing criminals to go after other criminals. Why wouldn't he just interrogate him to get the information he needs? T-Rex: . . .The movie takes place on a planet where interrogation is banned. Movie Poster Text: On a PLANET where INTERROGATION is BANNED Movie Poster Text: One "BY THE BOOKS" COP and one WISE-CRACKING CRIMINAL have to TEAM UP to CATCH OTHER CRIMINALS Movie Poster Text: they eventually UNDERSTAND each other and HUG Movie Poster Text: also the cop is a DINOSAUR we should have put that on the TOP of the POSTER qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1113 T-Rex: So Columbus discovers America, right? Or at least, he REdiscovers the continent. He discovers it for Europe. Maybe not for the first time. T-Rex: Columbus popularizes the continent! T-Rex: And afterwards, what happens is what cooks call the "Columbian explosion", where fruits and vegetables brought back from the new world have a profound effect on the cooking in the old one! Tomatoes and potatoes are but two of the best-rhyming examples. When people back home discovered these vegetables, they started experimenting with them and coming up with all sorts of crazy, YET DELICIOUS, dishes! The Columbian explosion was an explosion of TASTE. Utahraptor: And now, Italian food is basically defined by the tomato! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: And we don't think "Irish cooking" without "potato", and South Korean food is big on Western peppers too! It must have been an exciting time, trying these new meals that nobody on the continent had ever tasted. Utahraptor: And they were SO GOOD, they supplemented or replaced existing cultural dishes! T-Rex: It makes me wish we could have something like that, you know? I'm TIRED of the same old vegetables. God: I COULD CREATE SOME NEW ONES T-Rex: And I'm TIRED of God offering to create new vegetables for me. God: TO THAT I CAN ONLY SAY God: BOLLOCKS qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1114 T-Rex: Okay MAYBE there were some downsides to the Columbian explosion. The old world got tomatoes and potatoes, AND corn and peanuts, AND rubber, AND cocoa, and in exchange gave the new world... lettuce? T-Rex: And also horses! T-Rex: And also the cholera and influenza and bubonic plague and typhoid fever, and um, smallpox. So basically the world got this explosion of new and tasty times, but also this exchange of disease, and just about every culture on Earth was affected. But what's neat is that we can look forward to the same thing if we ever encounter alien life! Utahraptor: Except it's unlikely that we'd be vulnerable to their diseases. T-Rex: Well... MAYBE. T-Rex: But we don;t know anything about alien life! Maybe they'll look just like us AND share diseases with us, but with pointier ears. And logic? Utahraptor: Or maybe they'll look like us, but, you know, ten times sexier. Everyone on Earth will feel bad about their bodies for the rest of time! Narrator: MEANWHILE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE THIS HAS HAPPENED: T-Rex: maybe... T-Rex: maybe i should get me some clothes qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1115 T-Rex: "We Need Leaders Who Actually Understand Technology." Ahem. Amelia and Antonio Tony stood in the bedroom. They were going to have sex! This is how things looked like they were going to me, the omniscient third-person narrator: sexy times ahoy. T-Rex: 'We need leaders who actually understand technology,' muttered Amelia! T-Rex: Antonio Tony nodded curtly, taking off his pants. It was so obvious. Amelia locked eyes with Antonio, paused, and took off her shirt. Antonio smiled appreciatively. 'There are so many bad laws passed through a misunderstanding of how computers actually work,' he thought. Amelia's breasts were pretty great. Antonio was hot too but THIS omniscient third-person narrator is into the ladies. Utahraptor: Writing more erotica, I see! T-Rex: This one's new! It's POLITICALLY CHARGED. T-Rex: "Soon Antonio and Amelia had sex and it was great. They decided they had a pretty good time. Suddenly, you find yourself agreeing... We Need Leaders Who Actually Understand Technology!" Utahraptor: It's written in the second person? T-Rex: In parts. Isn't it great? T-Rex: The book's slogan is, "Think Like Me, While You're Imagining Sex." qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1116 Narrator: T-REX'S EROTICA IS EXTREMELY POPULAR! T-Rex: Sweet! Narrator: BUT NOW, HE HAS A REPUTATION AS A PORN GUY. T-Rex: Aw boo! T-Rex: It sucks, Dromiceiomimus! People stop me in the street and say "I love your work", and what do you say to that? "I'm glad you found my stories arousing"? Because that's- that's what I say. Dromiceiomimus: Well, you're making people happy, and that's something, right? T-Rex: I say "I'm glad you found my stories arousing" and I shake their hand and I smile and stare at them for a long, unblinking moment. Utahraptor: Wow, so people really liked it! You're a celebrity! T-Rex: Yeah, but A SEX celebrity! It stinks! Utahraptor: I mean, and don't take this the wrong way, but I thought your erotica was pretty terrible! But I'm realizing I was approaching it expecting, you know, naughty tales, but your audience must have found something else they liked there! T-Rex: So maybe they DON'T like it for the sex! God: UM I LIKE IT FOR THE SEX T-REX T-Rex: LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH I can't hear you LAH LAH LAH what does God need with erotica anyway LAH LAH LAH LAH don't answer that LAH LAH LAH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1117 T-Rex: I would like to get thoughtful Christmas presents for all my friends and family, but I have a problem. T-Rex: I am just not that thoughtful a person! T-Rex: WHOOPS? Narrator: the end Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER AT THE MALL, T-REX TRIES A DIFFERENT TACK. T-Rex: Hey, Utahraptor, if your house was on fire, what one possession would you want to save? Utahraptor: My photo album, I guess? T-Rex: NO, I meant like, what replaceable, CONSUMER ELECTRONICS possession would you want to save? Also, you can't already have the possession. Utahraptor: Aw, T-Rex! I don't want to just tell you to buy me something. T-Rex: Is in an MP3 player? Look, they have MP3 players here! T-Rex: Aren't you always saying how you wish you could play your MP3s? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1118 Narrator: FRUSTRATION COMICS T-Rex: I have never been more frustrated than I am right now! I'm so frustrated I'm - I'm gonna write a swear on a wall! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: There! It says: "poo". Narrator: THE END Narrator: FRUSTRATION COMICS II T-Rex: I'm frustrated again! Utahraptor: Me too! Utahraptor: I'm frustrated at my bank because they're all a bunch of sucker chumps! What are you frustrated at? T-Rex: I'm frustrated at my apparent inability to have a serious conversation about feelings without making jokes about how ridiculous all feelings are ever! T-Rex: Not that frustrated, though. I wrote "poo" on a wall! Utahraptor: Man, I hear that! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1119 T-Rex: If someone says something is "a whale of a good time", I'm expecting to see some marine life. T-Rex: Guys! I am not alone in this! T-Rex: The phrase has been ruined bye people making the obvious stupid joke. Now it's only used by zoos featuring whales, or by dads, when then are taking their kids to visit zoos featuring whales. It's also used by marine biologists, and dads, when they are taking their kids to visit marine biologists. IT'S NOT EVEN A GOOD JOKE! You are using the word "whale" when talking about a whale. That's not comedy! That's a literal use of adjectives. Utahraptor: So you don't want to see marine life when someone says "a whale of a good time"? T-Rex: Not always! T-Rex: It should mean "a good time that is large or immense: METAPHORICALLY like a whale", but the metaphor's broken because it's always used on literal friggin' whales. "Dog-gone great" is getting there too. But Im gonna fight it, one person at a time! Utahraptor: Well -- good luck! Narrator: Later, on a whale-watching tour: Whale Watcher: Wow, I'm having a WHA- T-Rex: YOU ARE HAVING AN ELEPHANT OF A GOOD TIME. Whale Watcher: You know what? I think I am! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=112 T-Rex: Well, if there has been a moral to my life over the past few days, it has been this: never lose a baby! T-Rex: Never do that! Narrator: T-REX IN Narrator: "NEVER LOSE A BABY" T-Rex: Never lose a baby, because if you do, the mother will be very angry until the baby is returned! T-Rex: Never lose a baby, because if you do, people likely won't trust you with babies in the future! Utahraptor: I've got one! Utahraptor: Never lose a baby, because if you do, you might be forced to pay for the loss with one of your own babies! T-Rex: That's true! Utahraptor: So what's the lesson here, T-Rex? T-Rex: Never lose a baby! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1120 T-Rex: Has there ever been a situation in which a tiger has eaten a penguin? T-Rex: And then the penguin is all, "DANG"? Dromiceiomimus: But those two animals would never meet in real life, right? T-Rex: Right! So that leaves us, the dinosaurs, to introduce the two species and watch one of them get gobbled! Have we done that? Or have we been shirking our Decadent Tops of the Food Chain responsibility of Unnatural Carnivore Pairings? Utahraptor: I don't get why you're so interested in this! T-Rex: PROBABLY because it's really interesting? T-Rex: I just figure it's a pretty short list of animals that haven't been eaten by a tiger, you know? And I don't know how many people have had the pleasure of seeing something eat something that that something has never eaten before, but I'd like to be one of those people. Utahraptor: But penguins are so cute! Narrator: SOON: Off-panel: Hey, who put the penguin in the tiger pit?! T-Rex: Whoever he is, I bet he's handsome! Off-panel: Aw FRIG, now the penguin has eaten the tiger! Off-panel: THERE'S A REASON WE KEEP THEM SEPARATED, EVERYONE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1121 T-Rex: What would be the best thing for me to do tonight? As I see it, I could do the dishes, or I could mop the floors, or I GUESS that I could invent an elixir that gives me the strength of twenty men. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Or I guess I could do all three! Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING: T-Rex: And that's the amazing true story of how I invented my elixir, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: And it really works? It gives you the strength of twenty men? T-Rex: ALMOST. It actually gives me the strength of twenty girlfriends! T-Rex: They're tough girlfriends. Utahraptor: I'm uh, I'm still not really solid on what the elixir does. T-Rex: Strength! 20 girlfriends! Utahraptor: Yeah, I get that! So, what: the mental strength, self-confidence and I guess time-management skills intrinsic to having twenty girlfriends? T-Rex: No. What? I don't know how to explain it better. If twenty girlfriends can lift up a car then I can lift up that car too. Narrator: SPECIAL "A SOFTER WORLD" ENDING: Narrator: with the strength of 20 girlfriends I can lift up cars Narrator: i can juggle pianos Narrator: so i really don't see how winning your heart requires 21 qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1122 Doug: Hello, is Utahraptor there? T-Rex: Nope! He's still asleep. Doug: He slumbers still?! Doug: When he arises, inform him his friend Doug would have words with him. T-Rex: Sure thing? Narrator: BACKSTORY: UTAHRAPTOR WAS CRASHING ON THE COUCH LAST NIGHT BECAUSE IT WAS LATE AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE A CAB HOME. ALSO, DOUG KNEW ABOUT THIS. DOUG IS A FRIEND OF UTAHRAPTOR'S. HE CALLED ON SPEAKERPHONE. T-REX IS SPENDING THIS PANEL SASSING THE WAY DOUG TALKS BUT LOOK AT ME. I NARRATED ALL OVER IT. Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: I don't see why you're making fun of Doug! T-Rex: He talks like a 1920s villain! Utahraptor: So, whatever! He talks like he's a 1920s serial villain. We all have idiolects. For example, you're a man who says "dude" and "awsome" in places where he could instead simply say "chap" and "I say, that's quite agreeable." T-Rex: Yeah, but chap, you know what I don't say? T-Rex: I don't say, "He slumbers still? Alack! One thousand curses! When the Sandman's spell at last lies vanquished at his feet, give him good heed: Doug has come calling." Utahraptor: Maybe you should though. T-Rex: I know, right? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1123 T-Rex: Oh man! I've just had an elephant of a good idea! T-Rex: TOUCH-o-vision! T-Rex: Smell-o-vision has been tried, and vision and hearing are taken care of, but two senses remain yet untapped! Taste-o-vision sounds disgusting, but - there's so much potential for touch-o-vision! Dromiceiomimus: Like what? T-Rex: Like it's a boxing movie, and whenever the underdog hero gets punched, you get punched! You'd start to think, "MAN, I hope that guy wins! Then I'd get punched less!" Utahraptor: This - you know this is a terrible idea, right? T-Rex: I admit only that there are issues. Utahraptor: Issues! You're building a robotic punching machine that can punch a whole room of people at once! What if the elderly were in the audience? What if it was calibrated wrong and punched through a guy? T-Rex: Ooh, what if? What if? Here's a what if for you: WHAT IF I MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS? Narrator: TESTING THE PUNCHING MACHINE: T-Rex: Ow! What the hell, Punchbot? Punchbot: ERROR 14: I LIKE PUNCHING qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1124 T-Rex: I know it's terrible, and I know many people are like this. But I can't deny it any longer! I am that guy! T-Rex: I am that guy who goes to stand up comedy and thinks, "MAN, I could TOTALLY do that!" T-Rex: And I know the best comics just make it look easy and I know it's hard to get a room full of strangers to laugh, but NEVERTHELESS, I am utterly convinced that I could do it. Dromiceiomimus: So then, do it T-Rex! Write some material, sign up for an amateur night, and do it! T-Rex: You know what? I will! Utahraptor: Are you serious? You're serious about this? T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: Then count me in too. I've always kinda wanted to try that, and even if we bomb, it will at least be fun! T-Rex: Exactly! And if we get some friends in the audience, at least THEY can laugh. T-Rex and Utahraptor: We've got to go write some material! Narrator: FOR THE NEXT THREE WEEKS: T-Rex's thoughts: Huh! Instead of writing "I rode a horse", I wrote "I wrode a horse"! T-Rex's thoughts: I COULD USE THIS IN MY ACT. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1125 T-Rex: You know what would be the worst? Meeting someone who was ACTUALLY NAMED "Al Coholic". T-Rex: And he actually IS an alcoholic! T-Rex: And he hasn't changed his name and he hates it and he drinks all the time. And everyone laughs when they hear his name, and then they get to know him and discover his illness and they feel awful. They begin to wonder if their laughter makes him drink. Dromiceiomimus: But why wouldn't he just go by "Albert"? Or "Alberto"? T-Rex: Maybe he's searching for an answer to that question, Dromiceiomimus... at the bottom of a bottle. Utahraptor: T-Rex, come on, this is ultra dumb. T-Rex: I'm just saying! It would be the worst. T-Rex: If you were his friend you'd always say "Come on Al, stop drinking, change your name. At least go by your middle name." And then he'd take a swig from the bottle, wipe his mouth with the back of his hand, and tell you his middle name is "Choc". Utahraptor: And then he'd eat a chocolate? T-Rex: He probably would! Man! T-Rex: Poor Al! T-Rex: I've never felt worse for inventing someone! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1126 T-Rex: I am a guy who likes to keep his hopes and dreams SECRET. This is because, if I fail to achieve them, then only I know that I screwed up! T-Rex: Works for me! T-Rex: It's like, say I tell everyone I want to be an astronaut, right? And now it's 20 years later and I'm not an astronaut and it's some stupid "what have you done with your life" reunion and everyone's like "HEY T-REX, HOW'S THE ASTRONAUT LIFESTYLE? IS IT - IS IT PRETTY ACHIEVEABLE?" T-Rex: I'd much rather they say, "What did T-Rex say he wanted to be? I can't recall! I bet it's what he is now, though." Utahraptor: But everyone wanted to be an astronaut! T-Rex: Perhaps! T-Rex: But not everyone wanted to, say, be in a committed relationship and own a house before they were 25. Utahraptor: Hah! You wanted that? T-Rex: SEE? SEE? This is why I keep my hopes and dreams to myself. Narrator: SECRETLY T-Rex (thought bubble): it would be great if one day i rode in a hot air balloon and threw down candy at people so they liked me more. T-Rex (thought bubble): aw, who am i kidding? T-Rex (thought bubble): folks will just make fun qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1127 T-Rex: Hypothesis: all movie titles can be made better by the addition of the word "Friggin'". T-Rex: Proff by selected examples! T-Rex: Back To The Friggin' Future! T-Rex: Bill And Ted's Excellent Friggin' Adventure; The Ten Friggin' Commandments; Honey, I Shrunk The Friggin' Kids! Dromiceiomimus: What about Gone With The Friggin' Wind, Casa-Friggin'-Blanca, and It's A Friggin' Wonderful Life? T-Rex: Some Like It Friggin' Hot? Utahraptor: Come on, this is all the same joke! T-Rex: DENIED! T-Rex: There is nuance, subtlety in the placement of the Friggin'. Contrast and compare The Friggin' Sound of Music; Guess Who's Coming to Friggin' Dinner; Big Friggin' Trouble in Little Friggin' China; and Yes, Virginia, There Is A Friggin' Santa Claus. Utahraptor: Okay, I think I get it! Utahraptor: Pride and Friggin' Prejudice. T-Rex: Right on! Utahraptor: Look Who's Friggin' Talking! T-Rex: Yes!! Utahraptor: FRIGGIN' THE GHOSTBUSTERS! T-Rex: ...You're doing it wrong. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1128 Narrator: IT'S WEDNESDAY! HOW ARE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS T-rex: I would rate my relationships: T-rex: Pretty okay! Dromiceiomimus: My relationships are fine too! I broke up with the guy I was dating, but it's cool. T-rex: What was the reason? Dromiceiomimus: He punned too often? And they weren't even, like, good puns. They were always the same puns. T-rex: Sometimes you want to eat corn without hearing how corny it is. Dromiceiomimus: This is what I'm saying! Utahraptor: My relationships are fine too! T-rex: How Are They? Utahraptor: WELL, I've been seeing this new guy, and it's nice. We went out to a movie last night and he held my hand when the lights went down. It was classy! And things are good with you? T-rex: Yep! Let me tell you man, these days when the phone rings, I think it might be a girl! Narrator: LOOKS LIKE THIS: *ring* qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1129 T-Rex: I have recently acquired some snake oil, and it has inspired me to compile a list of professions that have been ruined by lexicalized phrases! T-Rex: First: snake oil salesmen! T-Rex: Since the phrase now means "con artist", nobody wants to be a snake oil salesman! But I presume there was a point when a man could procure some snake oil and go door-to-door selling it, and maybe those guys wrecked it for the rest of us. Maybe they were all chumps. MAYBE they were all, in fact, SUPERCHUMPS. Utahraptor: That may actually be the case! T-Rex: I knew it!! Utahraptor: Yeah, early Western entrepreneurs tried to duplicate the successful Chinese snake oil they saw, but it failed to recognize the reason it had SOME effect was Chinese water snakes are high in eicosapentaenic acid, an anti inflammatory agent! Western snakes aren't, and so their medicine didn't work. Utahraptor: But they sold it anyway, often as a universal panacea! T-Rex: PANACEA?! THAT'S THE SECRET WORD OF THE DAY! T-Rex and Utahraptor: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=113 T-Rex: Lost babies turn up in the strangest places! For instance... T-Rex: Under the couch! Dromiceiomimus: Are you implying that you found the baby pterodactyl you lost- -under the couch? T-Rex: That's where he was! T-Rex: Under the couch! Of all the places for a lost baby to be... Utahraptor: You own a couch?! T-Rex: Yes, I bought it "on layaway" . Utahraptor: Can I come over and see it sometime? T-Rex: Sure! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1130 T-Rex: OH MY GOD. I just realized that yesterday when Utahraptor said "universal panacea", he was using a pleonasm! T-Rex: (Pleonasm is the use of redundant, unnecessary words to express an idea!) T-Rex: Hah hah! This is Utahraptor: "Hey, T-Rex, do you want to drink some cola-flavoured Coca-Cola brand carbonated cola beverages? Perhaps afterwards we'll take the public transport large road vehicle bus and buy with money or credit some submarine sub sandwiches?" T-Rex: That's TOTALLY HIM, Domiceiomimus! Utahraptor: IT WAS A STYLISTIC CHOICE! T-Rex: Sorry? Could your vocal chords and mouth repeat that? Utahraptor: Pleonasms have legitimate uses! For example, if I wasn't sure my audience (YOU, T-Rex) would know what "panacea" meant, I might use a similar word, allowing you to deduce some of my semantics without needing an explanation. T-Rex: Maybe after the subs sandwiches we could go to a water lake beach shore? T-Rex: We could go to the water lake beach shore in our water lake beach shore swimming shorts for swimming? In water? Utahraptor: You know what? FINE. T-Rex: BUT IT'S WINTER!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1131 T-Rex: Science dudes! T-Rex: I have some bad news! T-Rex: I think that time travel might not actually be possible! T-Rex: Because say I travel to the future and take back some sweet future technology: let us say, hoverbikes. Nice! And then people in the present can examine the hoverbikes and see how they work to duplicate them, which is also nice, until we get to the future and the guy who invented hoverbikes won't do it anymore because they've already been invented! He doesn't want to be a copycat. Assume for the sake of argument that he doesn't want to be a copycat. Utahraptor: So, what? You've got a paradox! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: The creativity that was required to create hoverbikes has been erased! Who had the insight now? Utahraptor: It's a paradox! Those are what happen when you travel through time. T-Rex: But they're inventions without an inventor and you can do the same thing with works of art! T-Rex: Science dudes, are you even listening to me?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1132 T-Rex: Dear body! Here are some things you need to stop doing! T-Rex: Aging? T-Rex: Also, making weird noises. Dromiceiomimus: Hah! What kind of noises? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, yesterday I'm sitting there and my belly kind of goes "tweeeeet?" like it's a, a, a bird or something. What's with you, belly? I know you're there, yes! I don't need a "tweeeeet" to say hello. I just put food in you and that is gonna have to be INTRODUCTION ENOUGH. Utahraptor: Got any other body complaints? T-Rex: As a matter of fact, I DO. T-Rex: One, my body needs to survive in space, two, it needs to be able to eat paper in an emergency, three, flight would be nice, also, four, sometimes when I'm sleeping I get a cramp in my leg muscles and I have to punch the muscles. Utahraptor: Four is the worst? T-Rex: Four is the worst! Also, FIVE, I wish my body would poop more instead of putting on weight. Utahraptor (off-screen): Okay! I'm done with this conversation. T-Rex: No, seriously! Because - T-Rex: because i don't like being fat and pooping is good times qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1133 Narrator: SITUATIONS IN WHICH TO USE "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" T-Rex: There are many situations in which "that's what she said!" may be appropriately used! For example, after someone says, uh, T-Rex: "What a good date!" Dromiceiomimus: That's TERRIBLE. T-Rex, you're supposed to use it to recontextualize an innocuous statement into a double entendre, not to indicate that both people on the date were happy. Here, say it after I stop talking. "You can stay in my guest house for a week." T-Rex: That's what SHE said! Dromiceiomimus: See? Actually, no, that's not so great either. T-Rex: Well, you can use "that's what she said!" when telling a story, too! Utahraptor: Literally? T-Rex: Yeah, like - "Anneke said 'How do you do.' To clarify, that's what SHE said!" Utahraptor: Ug. Here, look: "T-Rex, that certainly took a long time and I didn't enjoy it at all." T-Rex: That's what SHE said! Utahraptor: Hah! T-Rex: Finally! Normally this isn't so hard! Utahraptor: That's what S- T-Rex: Utahraptor, don't interrupt! I WAS SAYING, normally it doesn't take me THIS long to finish with something good, even if it's just a little ejaculation. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1134 Narrator: CLIMATE CHANGE COMICS T-Rex: CLIMATE CHANGE, huh? T-Rex: There certainly is a lot of climate that's CHANGING, right? Right?! Can I get a witness? T-Rex: Or MAYBE, climate isn't changing at all. Or maybe it is, but who cares because it's all someone else's fault! T-Rex: or maybe the climate is supposed to change because we all got new swimmin' trunks Utahraptor: That is without exaggeration, T-Rex, the weakest comment on climate change that I have ever heard, or am ever likely to hear! Utahraptor: You've distilled an important issue down to "something might be happening I dunno, maybe??" Also, you don't even mention human influence on the climate, which is a serious concern! T-Rex: Serious concern? I just stepped on a tiny woman, so her only influence on the climate is that now she's dead. T-Rex: In the climate. T-Rex: Right now she's probably saying "OH MAN WHAT A CHANGE FOR ME! A CLIMATE CHANGE, THAT IS!!" T-Rex: Hey, remember when there were frogs? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1135 Narrator: T-REX HAS YET TO FIND CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR ANYONE. AGAIN. COME ON, T-REX T-Rex: No problem! I have the whole weekend to find Christmas presents! I'll get great gifts no matter - Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: T-Rex: - what. What? Where the heck did Saturday do? What - Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: T-Rex: - the heck? SUNDAY is gone too? T-Rex: Okay. I have today to find presents. I'm safe just as long as I don't end up SOMEHOW skipping a day ahead in the narrative of my life and missing out on the whole entire - Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: T-Rex: - day! To repeat, Utahraptor, I did zero shopping yesterday. Utahraptor: There's still time! T-Rex: I know! Thank - Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: Utahraptor: - you for your very thoughtful present, T-Rex! It was fantastic. Just what I wanted, but never knew I needed! And it reflects both my AND your personalities perfectly. T-Rex: I'm glad you like it! What, uh, what was it I got you again? Utahraptor: You know! The re- Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: T-Rex: -mix of "Layla" and "Smells like Teen Spirit" into one song. So everyone can listen to both of my favourite songs at the same time! Utahraptor: That would be a good task for the new year, yes. T-Rex: This is what I keep saying! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1136 T-Rex: I love punch! I love drinking delicious punch, PROBABLY because of how it's so delicious. T-Rex: Hooray for punch! Dromiceiomimus: Are you mentioning punch because the party tonight is so liable to feature punch, T-Rex? T-Rex: QUITE LIKELY! I don't know why I'm suddenly so into what is essentially juice mixed with maybe pop or alcohol, served in a fancy bowl with spoons, but I'm running with it. Dromiceiomimus: Well I guess I'll see you there tonight, punch in hand. T-Rex: Oh God yes. Narrator: AT THE PARTY T-Rex: Man, this party even has a stomping room! I'm totally going to get some punch soon. Utahraptor: Okay, T-Rex! Utahraptor: All you're doing is talking about delicious punch. Why not just go get some? T-Rex: Dude, I'm gonna! I'm gonna go get in line for some punch RIGHT NOW! Utahraptor: Okay then! Narrator: SOON! T-Rex: Is this the punch line? Stage Right: This is the line for the bathroom! T-Rex: So - you're saying there is no punch line? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1137 T-Rex: What did the depressed snowman say to his dog? T-Rex: "Snowbody loves me!" Dromiceiomimus: But why did he say it to his dog? Was it because all his friends were flakes? T-Rex No. That's good, though. T-Rex: He said it to his dog because snowbody loved him. He had snow friends! Utahraptor: Aw man, this is all the same joke! T-Rex: Snow it's not! Utahraptor: Snyes, it it. It's the same snow joke over and over, and anyone could do it, and it's not funny! T-Rex: It is so funny! Listen. I told these jokes to a snowman and he laughed. Narrator: EARLIER: Snowman: that's racist qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1138 T-Rex: A lot of my friends are having babies. Book Cover: BABIES: "WHAT'S THE DEAL?" Book Cover: a book by t-rex T-Rex: That's what I say to them! They say, T-Rex, Marcia and I are expecting a little bundle of joy. And I say, Ted, I respect you and love you as a friend, but I have to ask - what's the deal? What is the deal with the BABIES. Utahraptor: The deal is that they're building a family and propagating the species! T-Rex: That's just part of the deal! T-Rex: As a man who is "without babies", the idea of being in charge of another person's life seems insane. That's a lot of responsibility, and I have no idea if I'm qualified for that - or if anyone ELSE is, for that matter. So I have to ask - Utahraptor: "What's the deal?" T-Rex: With the babies, yes. Book Cover: "OKAY, THANKS FOR WRITING IN TO TELL ME WHAT ALL THE DEALS WERE WITH YOUR BABIES" Book Cover: "IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1139 Narrator: STORIES FOR MEN T-Rex: Men! We like stories, right? Three voices outside the picture: Right! T-Rex: But they have to be good stories. Stories with plots in which there are good guys and bad guys, and then some explosions happen to them! Dromiceiomimus: You sure like explosions, huh? T-Rex: In a good story, they function as punctuation marks. Hamlet says "To be or not to be", and the building behind him blows up. It is spectacular. The audience whispers, "Yes. This is what Shakespeare meant." Utahraptor: So your story is Hamlet only with explosions instead of punctuation. T-Rex: You say it like it's not fantastic! Utahraptor: Do the characters even react to the explosions at all? T-Rex: Sometimes they go off in the background and they barely glance over their shoulder at them. Sometimes they outrun them down halls or by climbing up ladders real fast. It depends on the scene, you know? Narrator: THE ULTIMATE STORY FOR MEN T-Rex: Hamlet sips some whiskey while punching a man in the nose! Ophelia says she's crazy for him and they go on a helicopter ride. A ghost appears, and when Hamlet high fives him he explodes! Then Denmark explodes. T-Rex: Later, Ophelia's topless! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=114 T-Rex: I have compiled a list of people I enjoy seeing! A list, if you will... T-Rex: ... of my friends! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you are on my list of friends! Dromiceiomimus: Um - thanks? T-Rex: Think nothing of it! T-Rex: Tiny woman, you are NOT on my list! Prepare for a stomping! Utahraptor: What are you doing?! T-Rex: Well, Utahraptor, I'm glad you asked. I've compiled a list of my friends and I am stomping on those who are not on my list! Utahraptor: Wow, you must have a lot of stomping to do. T-Rex: Why yes, as a matter of fact I - T-Rex: HEY! You're off the list! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1140 T-Rex: My stories for men were a huge success - but I've excluded half of my potential market! Narrator: STORIES FOR WOMEN T-Rex: I've got a great idea, Dromiceiomimus: stories for women! Stories with FEELINGS. Stories where someone sighs deeply while looking at a photograph of someone else! In the photograph that someone else is ALSO sighing deeply. Dromiceiomimus: That's what you think women want? Seriously? T-Rex: Ha ha, of course not! This was just a hilarious test. Um. Utahraptor: Okay, so let's hear your real "stories for women" then! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: NO PROBLEM. T-Rex: Two attractive people meet and fall in love. Then they take baths and hug. Utahraptor: Hah hah hah! "Take baths and hug"? T-Rex: IT'S WHAT WOMEN WANT Narrator: THAT EVENING, TAKING A SHOWER: T-Rex: Man, if this were a bath, and there was a woman here, and I was hugging her? T-Rex: I'd be totally set! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1141 Narrator: STORIES FOR KIDS T-Rex: This one's easy! T-Rex: that's because kids are EASILY ENTERTAINED. They just want bright colors that flash and spin! I can take care of that with a kaleidoscope. A story about a kaleidoscope, I mean. Dromiceiomimus: So you're aiming for the under-six market? T-Rex: No, no! I want twelve year olds too. So ah, the kaleidoscope can transform into a ninja turtle, who can mutate into a robot. Or a barbie. or a horse. T-Rex: Or horse-Barbie. Done! Utahraptor: And so this is your ultimate story for kids? T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: If by "story" you mean "franchise", anyway. I don't know. I think i've lost focus. Utahraptor: Why not focus on either babies OR children? That way you don't have to cater to both the "words are hard" and the "these early stages of puberty unsettle us all" demographics. Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: Excuse me, child! Your early stages of puberty: they...they - Child (off screen): They unsettle us all, I know. Child (off screen): *sigh* qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1142 T-Rex: Oh, the things I could do if I had a rubber mallet! [[T-Rex is daydreaming]] Voice from outside the panel: "Hey! Who hit me with this rubber mallet" T-Rex: But wait! This is one idle daydream that I can make come true! Dromiceiomimus, how much does a rubber mallet cost? Dromiceiomimus: I don't know - a few dollars? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: I have a few dollars!! T-Rex: Quick! To the hardware store! Utahraptor: I'm coming! But only because I need a mallet too. T-Rex: No, you're coming because this is a Mallet Party! The only tool we're going to have is rubber mallets, which function as hammers, and then all of our problems are going to look like nails. Oh yes. Utahraptor: FINE. That's why I'm coming. T-Rex: This is going to be so great! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: They were out of rubber mallets, so I bought a vegetable steamer instead. Now all my problems look like vegetables in need of a good steaming! T-Rex: I've - T-Rex: I've made worse purchases qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1143 T-Rex: There was a man freestyle rapping outside my window last night. Narrator: EARLIER: Freestyle Rap Man: My name's not important and I'm here to say / That I've been outside rapping for most of today! T-Rex: It was pretty okay! His rhymes were moderately tight, too! Dromiceiomimus: When was this? T-Rex: About 4am! I woke up to it, which was surreal. It ended when I guess someone dissed him from across the street or behind some bushes or something? Heyelled "Who said that?!" and ran off down the street. Utahraptor: Was the rap directed at you, T-Rex? Were you being "rap serenaded"? T-Rex: No, man! T-Rex: It was like he was walking down the street rapping to himself, and just happened to stop outside my place when his flow got going. I can respect that! I kinda want to be that guy, you know? Utahraptor: What was he rapping about? T-Rex: All sorts of topics, really! Narrator: EARLIER: Freestyle Rap Man: My freestyle rap is a bunch of crap; I got low self esteem and that's about that T-Rex's thoughts: Awww! Freestyle Rap Man: Wait, my esteem got a lot better / When my grandmom bought me that nice new sweater! T-Rex's thoughts: Grandmoms are great for that! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1144 {{i wrote this after reading jeremy tinder's "black ghost apple factory" which i recommend whole-heartedly for the strip "robots don't say i love you"}} Narrator: T-REX IS IN LOVE WITH YOU. T-Rex: ...What? T-Rex: I'm not! Narrator: YES HE IS. HE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU AND HE WANT TO KISS YOU. T-Rex: I'm not! I don't! T-Rex: ...Kiss whom? Narrator: HE WANT TO WELCOME YOU HOME FROM WORK. Utahraptor: What's going on? T-Rex: I don't know! Narrator: THEN HE WANT TO MAKE SOME OF THE SEX WITH YOU. THAT'LL BE NICE. T-Rex: You don't hear that? Utahraptor: Uh, no. Utahraptor: Are you alright? T-Rex: Apparently not? Narrator: T-REX LOVES YOU AND HE'S GOING TO PROVE IT. TONIGHT HE'S GOING TO EAT TOO MUCH DINNER AND THEN GO TO BED EARLY. THEN YOU'LL KNOW. T-Rex: I was gonna do that anyway! T-Rex: Whatever!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1145 T-Rex: I have invented the best way to reveal the prejudices and preconceptions of my friends. T-Rex: Reverse lightbulb jokes! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'll give you the punchline and you'll supply the identifiable social group to be mocked, okay? The puchline is: "Just one: they hold the lightbulb still while the world revolves around them." Dromiceiomimus: Easy! "How many socialites does it take to change a lightbulb?" T-Rex: INTERESTING. God: DO ME Utahraptor: Do me! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: Um, okay: "Just one, but it doesn't matter: they'll never see the light anyway." God: ENTHUSIASTS OF THINGS THAT I AM NOT A FAN OF Utahraptor: Blind people! T-Rex: Oh snap! Wow. Classy, guys! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Alright, last one, everyone! "Both of them." Person 1: Honest politicians! Person 2: Actually important bloggers! Person 3: People at work who I haven't had sex with! T-Rex: Pardon? Person 3: See, I have a lot of sex. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1146 Narrator: AMAZING AND TRUE STORIES FROM THE LIFE OF UTAHRAPTOR Narrator: also starring T-REX Narrator: This morning I skipped breakfast and met T-Rex for lunch. He seemed excited. He always seems excited. Narrator: I asked him why, and it turned out that Dromiceiomimus had a customer service issue with a shipping company, and wanted T-Rex to call because he's better at these sorts of things. They'd failed to deliver her package four times now. T-Rex already has "suckified delivery companies" on his revenge list (he'd said), so he was pleased to call. He spent ten minutes listing all the ways suckified delivery companies had made his life worse, got a full head of steam, and called them up. Long story short, the package had actually been delivered that morning. T-Rex claims victory. Narrator: I actually ran into him (almost literally) later that afternoon, and we discussed it some more. Narrator: My contrarian position (I freely admit it) was that he was wrong to chew out the lady on the phone: with companies this size, there's no way she was responsible for the package. Responsibility is so diffused that really, nobody is responsible - it's a system failure, and the person in the call centre can't change the system. He replied that as his only contact point, agents should expect complaints and offer solutions - he's not going to make allowances for someone else's broken system. We agreed to differ. Narrator: I realize that this is my diary for the new year, and all I've written about so far is T-Rex. the responsibility for this, I feel, lies solely in this Christmas gift "stationary" from T-Rex himself. He's drawn himself in every panel, and the same pre-printed title takes up all the space in the first one. Still - grocery shopping's more fun. T-Rex: pick up eggs T-Rex eggs are great T-Rex you can put them on your plate qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1147 T-Rex (thinking): People will DEFINITELY pay for a robot that "accidentally" steals all their girlfriends! Narrator: BAD IDEAS COMICS Narrator: LATER: Dromiceiomimus (thinking): Has anyone ever made a doctor-themed parody of Back to the Future, called "Back to the Suture"? Dromiceiomimus (thinking): I should probably do that. Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor (thinking): skin flavoured jello T-Rex (thinking): utahraptor's skin flavoured jello Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (thinking): I should make a comic where famed scientist Francis Bacon teams up with a guy named "Eggs", so they can be called Bacon and Eggs. In issue two, Francis could mistakenly rename himself to "Chris P."! Chris P. Bacon! T-Rex (thinking): OH MY GOD Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (thinking): I'm still thinking about Chris P. Bacon qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1148 God: HEY T-REX REMEMBER WHEN WE STOLE THE KILOGRAM T-Rex: Sure do! God: LET'S STEAL SOMETHING ELSE God: SOME-THING God: FROM HISTORY Narrator: LATER: God: MAN I GOT ARRESTED Narrator: the end God: HEY T-REX REMEMBER WHEN I WAS ARRESTED T-Rex: Sure do! Utahraptor: Sure do what? T-Rex: oh. I, uh, I sure do like that colour on you Utahraptor! Utahraptor: What? what colur? The colour of my skin? You're saying you like the colour of my skin? T-Rex: It - uh, T-Rex: it goes well with your eyes T-Rex: Man what's the deal with nobody hearing you but me, God? It's a hassle! God: WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH ME GETTING FRIGGIN ARRESTED BACK THERE God: CAN I CREATE AN OBJECT SO VALUABLE EVEN I CAN'T HEIST IT God: IS MY QUESTION qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1149 T-Rex: I have the best joke for Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: Is it my curse to ALWAYS have the best jokes? T-Rex: Okay, Dromiceiomimus! Here is the best joke ever for you. It's way better than all other jokes. Dromiceiomimus: I'm listening! T-Rex: So I went to the chiropractor, right? And he examined me and said "what happened to your back?" and I smiled at him and I said "well, Doc, let me tell you the BACKstory!" Dromiceiomimus:That- that was terrible. T-Rex: Man, she's right! It WAS terrible. Utahraptor: What if you're out of jokes, T-Rex? T-Rex: WHAT? Utahraptor: Yeah, what if you were born with a set number of funny jokes, and now you've used them all up? T-Rex: Don't even joke about that, Utahraptor! I rely on my sense of humour as a social lubricant! It's the secret to how come girls want to kiss me sometimes. Narrator: LATER THAT DAY: T-Rex: Mr. Tusks! What if I'm clean out of funny jokes? Mr. Tusks: That would be a TINY bit inconvenient for me T-Rex! I need you to write a joke for my speech tomorrow to the Chiropractor's Union. T-Rex: noooooooo qwantz.com/index.php?comic=115 Narrator: LOVE COMICS T-Rex: Ooh! Narrator: SEX COMICS T-Rex: Oooooh! T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus, which is better: love or sex? Dromiceiomimus: I'm a big fan of sex. T-Rex: I see! Utahraptor: T-Rex, I have big news! T-Rex: Before you tell me, which is better: love or sex? Utahraptor: Love AND sex. T-Rex: That wasn't an option. Utahraptor: It never is, with you! T-Rex: Hey! T-Rex: Come back here! Narrator: THE END qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1150 T-Rex: Guys, guys! God: WHAT T-Rex: Our universe is almost certainly a simulation! God: SHIIIIIIIIT T-Rex: I know, right? T-Rex: Because check it out: if you assume that computers will continue to get better, then it stands to reason that one day we'll be able to simulate an entire universe. And then there'll be a day shortly afterwards when we can simulate universe on our cell phones! And once you imagine this possibility, what are the odds that OUR universe is the one real one? It's much more likely that all creation is running in the background of some future dude's iPhone 3K! Utahraptor: Seriously? You're seriously arguing this old idea. T-Rex: I am, yes! Utahraptor: But T-Rex, think of all the stories in which the characters are running around in a realistic universe, unaware that they're fictional! DUDE! It's overwhelmingly likely that WE'RE in a story right now! T-Rex: That's stupid. Utahraptor: That's your theory, stripped of it's trendy technology. God: UTAHRAPTOR HAS A POINT THERE T-Rex: noooooooooo qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1151 T-Rex: Ghost have got to be the saddest thing ever! They're dead people PLUS they're blind. T-Rex: That's right, I said it! Ghosts are blind! T-Rex: They HAVE to be, because they're invisible! And light needs to hit something to be seen, and if ghosts have transparent eyes they're not going to see anything. PLUS you can walk right through a ghost, so sound waves will pass through them too. They're deaf and blind most of the time, and when they do become a little visible, the world that fades into focus around them is filled with people screaming at them in terror. It's so sad! Utahraptor: You're picking apart the science of ghost senses, but accept the fact of their invisibility? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: Ghosts have to be invisible, at least part of the time - that's what makes them ghosts! But if you accept that, it's fun to try to see how ghostlike you can make them without making any FURTHER assumptions. Utahraptor: But our friend Zach is a ghost, and he's not blind OR deaf! T-Rex's thought bubble: Aw, heck. T-Rex's thought bubble: I hate being reminded of Zach. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1152 T-Rex: The curses of the Greek gods: T-Rex: not actually that bad! T-Rex: For example: Prometheus! T-Rex: Guy gives fire back to mortals, and as punishment by Zeus he's chained to a rock and has his liver eaten by a vulture every day. T-Rex: But his liver magically regenerates overnight! Dromiceiomimus: So? T-Rex: So Prometheus' liver is a perfectly clean, natural and renewable fuel source! T-Rex: He doles out to the world a small amount of an INFINITE SUPPLY of biofeul daily. T-Rex: Way to go, Prometheus! Utahraptor: Seems like a pretty painful way to go through life! T-Rex: Still, it's not that bad. Utahraptor: What about Cassandra, prescient but cursed so that nobody believes her? T-Rex: Screw everyone else! T-Rex: She can avoid falling pianos and win the lottery. T-Rex: BOO HOO. T-Rex: And before you say "Sisyphus", he's immortal, PLUS he's got time to ponder the universe, PLUS a buff bod. T-Rex: All I'm saying is, it wouldn't be terrible. Narrator: MANY MONTHS LATER: TV: Up next, we have a man who claims he was cursed by a Greek god, and who has preternatural knowledge of what the winning clips will be on every episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. T-Rex: It's not that bad!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1153 Narrator: A DAY OF DISAPPOINTMENTS! Narrator: STARRING T-REX THE TALKING DINOSAUR T-Rex: Oh wow, is that a quarter on the ground? T-Rex: Oh, it's one someone glued to the ground as a joke. T-Rex: Hah hah Narrator: LATER: Unknown: Free chocolate bars! Utahraptor: Woo hoo! Unknown: To anyone under the age of 12! T-Rex and Utahraptor: Awwwww! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (thought bubble): How old am I? 27? T-Rex (thought bubble): Wow, I was DEFINITELY expecting to be married by now. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1154 Off Panel: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus. T-Rex: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus? T-Rex: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus! T-Rex: It's so great, Dromiceiomimus! It's a real boxing kangaroo with big red boxing gloves, like in the zeitgeist, AND in cartoons! And he boxes a person so hard that they get their hat knocked off and then when they go to pick up their hat, he boxes them in the butt!! T-Rex: WE HAVE TO GO. Dromiceiomimus: Okay! Utahraptor: Did I just hear you say T-Rex and Utahraptor: "boxing kangaroo"?! T-Rex: You sure did! Dromiceiomimus and I are going! You should come. You should come because the kangaroo is going to solve his problems with his fists, and when he's done his problems are gonna be solved RIGHT IN THE FACE. Utahraptor: Heck, I'm not busy. Let's go right now! Narrator: AT THE CIRCUS: T-Rex: Hah hah! What's the matter, monocle guy? You don't like being boxed by a kangaroo??? Monocle Guy: I'm not allowed to punch back because that would be animal cruelty! T-Rex: Hah! Monocle guy! The kangaroo just punched off your monocle! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1155 T-Rex: Natural gas in its natural state is colorless and odourless, right. But when it's sold, we add a distinctively smelly chemical to it, so that gas leaks can easily be detected! T-Rex: This provides an opportunity for AMPLE PRANKS of HILARITY. T-Rex: All I have to do is find out what that odorant is, get some myself, and spread it around someplace! People will think that there's a gas leak when REALLY, all there will be is... um - Dromiceiomimus: Tertiary-butyl mercaptan. T-Rex: Tertiary-butyl mercaptan! Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is a very terrible idea. T-Rex: See, I thought it was too, but then I thought, maybe it's not? Utahraptor: Nope, it's terrible. Why not forget about t-butyl mercaptan and instead get your hands on some cadaverine and putrescine, which are the organic compounds responsible for how a corpse smells? It's a much more hilarious joke! T-Rex: Daaaamn! That IS a much more hilarious joke! Narrator: LATER: Off-panel: It smells like gas and corpses in here. T-Rex: Guys! That's me! T-Rex: *I* did that! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1156 Narrator: T-REX VISITS A GHOST TOWN. T:Rex: Attention, any ghosts that can hear me! I have one thing to say to you: T:Rex: this is awesome Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: It was great, Dromiceiomimus: a whole town that had been abandoned! All these collapsing buildings and rusting machines. It was APOCALYPSE PORN. Dromiceiomimus: I'd love to see it! T-Rex: We should go! It's so great. You get a glimpse of what the world would be like if it all went wrong, and we all died tomorrow! Utahraptor: What actually happened to the town? T-Rex: The mine dried up and everyone moved away! T-Rex: But the buildings are still there, and they're great. It's clich?, but walking around you see all these amazing little tokens of previous life: a forgotten doll, a can of food long since unidentifiable... Dromiceiomimus and I are going back. Want to come? Utahraptor: Sure! Narrator: BACK AT THE GHOST TOWN: Utahraptor: It's okay, I guess. It's mostly just a bunch of crappy buildings! T-Rex: Don't even, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: Don't even what? T-Rex: Don't even - don't even tell me you don't appreciate the stark aesthetics and beauty of decay qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1157 Narrator: WHAT YOUNG T-REX THINKS ADULT LIFE WILL BE LIKE: T-Rex: I have lots of my own money so I can eat cookie dough whenever I want. I don't even have to cook it! T-Rex: I don't!! T-Rex: T-Rex: My job is "astronaut" Narrator: THE END Narrator: WHAT TEEN T-REX THINKS ADULT LIFE WILL BE LIKE: T-Rex and Utahraptor: We're rich and have our own cars! T-Rex: yeah! T-Rex: Hey, remember when my mom switched off my computer for no reason and didn't even let me save my game? I bet she feels bad about it NOW and wishes she had been nicer to me NOW that I've MOVED OUT FOREVER just like I said I would!! T-Rex and Utahraptor: But it's too late! God: T-REX NOW YOU HAVE TO SHOW AN ALIEN WOMAN WHAT LOVE IS T-Rex: Oh, excellent! T-Rex: That's - that's just excellent! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1158 T-Rex: Ssh! Come closer! T-Rex: I know more secrets! T-Rex: More SECRETS of the MEDICAL PROFESSION! T-Rex: Okay, so peritonitis is when your peritoneum gets infected, and the peritoneum is basically the lining for your abdominal cavity, where your guts are! So if that's infected, you're going to be in pain whenever your belly moves. And when the doctor walks in the room, he might see how you're sitting, cautious in your movements, guarding your belly, and he might suspect peritonitis. And then he might "accidentally" bump into your bed or chair! T-Rex: If you start to scream from just that small bump, he'll know the peritonitis is bad! Utahraptor: But why all the subterfuge? T-Rex: Well, they can just come up and say "I'm going to shake your belly so tell me if it hurts", but that primes the patient, and they'll be LOOKING to feel pain. The bump can get you an unsolicited result and lets you quickly ascertain degree! Utahraptor: So if you scream, they suspect bad-times peritonitis. T-Rex: Yep! And then they'll send you for emergency surgery. Did you know that one of peritonitis' causes is your BOWELS becoming PERFORATED so that RAW SEWAGE sloshes around in your belly? T-Rex: Man, bodies are nasty! I can TOTALLY SEE why nascent machine intelligences don't wanna hang with us. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1159 T-Rex: My last attempt to be a motivational speaker didn't go so well. But this time I have a plan: GENERATIVE ADVICE. For example! T-Rex: "Customers know what they want, but they want what they know!" Dromiceiomimus: Wow, that actually sounds like good business advice, T-Rex. Customers want to buy something they're already familiar with! T-Rex: I know, right? But I totally just made it up, according to my Generative Advice Formula. And I have tons more! Like, for a restaurant: "Customers eat what they see, but they see what they eat." Dromiceiomimus: That one is less impressive. T-Rex: Maybe because it follows the first one? Utahraptor: Your formula is "Customers VERB1 what they VERB2, but they VERB2 what they VERB1", for all transitive verbs, right? T-Rex: Okay YEAH it's obvious, but it works! And it can be customized to any environment. Self-help? "Do what you want, but want what you do." Writers? "Write what you know, but know what you write." Utahraptor: Oh, yeah? What about colonists? T-Rex: "Colonize what you explore, but explore what you colonize." Utahraptor: Zookeepers! T-Rex: "Tame what you keep, but please, keep what you tame." Utahraptor: Nurses? T-Rex: "Nurses take care of the injured, but they injure who they take care of." T-Rex: Okay, whatever! My formula is still good DESPITE nurse racism. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=116 Narrator: THE SPECIAL MEAL an exercise in frustration T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for preparing a special meal! Narrator: based on a true story T-Rex: I'd better go gather the ingredients! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I can't find ANY of the ingredients I need! What the hell? It's not like I'm looking for some ancient spice! I JUST WANT SOME PAPRIKA. T-Rex: Argh! So frustrated! Utahraptor: What's the matter? T-Rex: Oh, I just can't find the ingredients I need for the special meal I'm preparing. It's very frustrating. Utahraptor: I can imagine! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Screw it! We're having Kraft Dinner, and she can deal! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1160 Narrator: COMPRESSED FILM COMICS Narrator: today's film: Narrator: CASABLANCA T-Rex: Okay so it's WWII and we're in Casablanca and people here want to go to America but they can't. But check it out: T-Rex: I'm an American named Rick and I have two free tickets to America! Dromiceiomimus: And I am Ilsa, a mysterious woman who had a torrid affair with you in the past, but who then stood you up at a train station. But check THIS out: I was married the whole time we were dating and still totally am! Also, I love you and you'll have to do the thinking for both of us. T-Rex: FINE Utahraptor: I am Captain Renault! I'm a corrupt French official but I'm totally likeable. T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: You APPEAR to help the Nazis in the film, but then you let me get away with murdering one at the end so that Ilsa and her weaksauce husband can go to America. The movie should really be about OUR relationship! Utahraptor: Seriously! We're these two great dudes who get all the film's best lines. Why don't we hang out more? God: GUYS YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO COMPRESS THE FILM NOT MAKE IT INTO A GAY ROMANCE STORY T-Rex: Too late! We already did! Utahraptor: "Here's looking at you, kid!" T-Rex: See, why didn't I ever say that to YOU? T-Rex: This movie needs way more gay qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1161 T-Rex: I've never worked retail! How bad could it be? Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: THIS JOB IS KILLING ME AND I CAN FEEL IT Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: It's terrible, Dromiceiomimus! Every customer is either rude or bland and my coworkers are all spiritually beaten down and when I look at them I know that soon I will be spiritually broken too! And the worst part, the WORST part is that weekends suck because I know work starts up again on Monday! I hate Mondays now!! T-Rex: I HAVE BECOME GARFIELD Utahraptor: Aw, come on, it's not that bad! T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex: It totally is!! T-Rex: And it's boring, too! It's so boring it literally steals my life force. I'm not even misusing "literally" there. I have a life force and it's precious and then I go in and then when I come out I have less of it. Hot crackers. You know what I do to pass the time? Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: I stare at the MANNEQUINS. Narrator: AT THE STORE: T-Rex [[thinking]]: It's always a cold day in mannequin land, I guess qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1162 T-Rex: Building a time machine is hard! T-Rex: But maybe, building a time machine to an alternate universe: NOT SO HARD?? T-Rex: See, Dromiceiomimus, my new plan is to visit alternate universes to take back objects and ideas from them! Hopefully that will be much easier than using godless science to violate the natural laws of time? Dromiceiomimus: So it's the same old "steal technology from the future" idea? T-Rex: A little! But a lot of alternate universes would probably be at about the same tech level. What I'm really interested in is culture! Utahraptor: You're hoping that in alternate universes, you'll get alternate versions of Hamlet! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: That's a great example. Shakespeare wrote some fantastic plays, but there's only so many of them. But infinite parallel Shakespeares on infinite parallel typewriters pretty much have to give us some terrific pieces of literature! Utahraptor: New ideas and themes from the Bard WOULD really be something! Narrator: MEANWHILE IN UNIVERSE x95: T-Rex: Shakespeare is the greatest author in history, but all he's written is 38 plays and 154 sonnets about "how much [he] likes to gaze at yonder bosoms"! T-Rex: Sometimes I feel the only purpose of our universe is to act as a warning for others qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1163 T-Rex: So I've got this computer problem and I can't figure it out. Half the time it boots up it find the sound card, but half the time it doesn't! Aren't computers deterministic? T-Rex: I really thought computers were deterministic! T-Rex: But now, it seems instead of a computer I've got this MAGIC FEELINGS BOX on my desk, and when my feelings box feels like I deserve music, I get it, and when it doesn't, I don't. It's voodoo, Dromiceiomimus! It is voodoo. Dromiceiomimus: Any sufficiently-advance technology is indistinguishable from magic, T-Rex! Arthur C. Clarke said it. T-Rex: He said it after he invented satellites, I KNOW Utahraptor: I'm having a similar problem with my MP3 player! It keeps losing my playlist and I have no idea why. T-Rex: Well Utahraptor, AS YOU KNOW, any sufficiently-advanced music player will be indistinguishable from magic. Utahraptor: Come on, any sufficiently-advanced ANYTHING will be indistinguishable from magic. T-Rex: Wait, you've given me a great idea! Has that saying ever been applied to... PARTIES? Narrator: SOON, AT T-REX'S SUFFICIENTLY-ADVANCED PARTY: Ladies: This party rules, T-Rex! T-Rex: Thanks, ladies! Ladies: It's sufficiently-advanced! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1164 The Devil: T-REX I HAVE CONSIDERED THE MATTER AND THE NES WAS MOST ASSUREDLY THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME CONSOLE EVER MADE T-Rex: Okay! The Devil: OR WAS IT The Devil: WHILE THE NES BOASTED AN ENVIABLE LIBRARY MANY OF ITS GAMES FOUND LARGER SUCCESS IN MORE RECENT FRANCHISE INSTALLMENTS I SUPPOSE THE DEFINITION OF "GREATEST" IS OF PRIMARY CONCERN T-Rex: Oh God. Utahraptor, do you think the NES was the greatest video games system ever? Utahraptor: Huh? What? T-Rex: The Devil is clearly trying to get me involved in a doubtlessly fruitless discussion of "OMG BEST VIDEO GAME SYSTEM EVAR" and I was hoping maybe you could take the ball on this one. Utahraptor: But I can't hear him! It'd be a pointless discussion. T-Rex: Oh God, it already is. T-Rex: Okay, look! You want to know what the greatest video game system ever is? It's the N-Gage. The Devil: WHAT WHAT I AM IN HELL AND THAT IS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1165 [[Song from off-panel.]] Michigan J. Frog: Hello! my baby / Hello! my honey / Hello! my ragtime gal / Send me a kiss by wire / Baby, my heart's on fire! Narrator: T-REX IN: ONE FROGGY EVENING [[T-Rex imagines himself theatrically promoting the singing frog as in the cartoon. Dollar signs are around his head.]] Utahraptor: So you were dating the singing frog from Warner Brothers? T-rex: What? No! It's an allegory! Utahraptor: I don't get it. She's the singing frog and you tried to make money off her performances, but she never sang showtunes when you wanted her to? Is that the story? T-rex: I was telling you about a woman I dated! She was fun alone but clammed up in public. The frog was an allegory! A Chuck Jones allegory! God: WHY WERE THERE DOLLAR SIGNS AROUND YOUR HEAD IN THE ALLEGORY THEN T-rex: They represented my selfish excitement to show her off in front of my friends! God: HEY CHECK IT OUT God: ME AND THE OTHER GODS ALL DECIDED THAT IT WOULD BE BEST IF YOU NEVER USED AN ALLEGORY AGAIN qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1165 [[Song from off-panel.]] Michigan J. Frog: Hello! my baby / Hello! my honey / Hello! my ragtime gal / Send me a kiss by wire / Baby, my heart's on fire! Narrator: T-REX IN: ONE FROGGY EVENING [[T-Rex imagines himself theatrically promoting the singing frog as in the cartoon. Dollar signs are around his head.]] Utahraptor: So you were dating the singing frog from Warner Brothers? T-rex: What? No! It's an allegory! Utahraptor: I don't get it. She's the singing frog and you tried to make money off her performances, but she never sang showtunes when you wanted her to? Is that the story? T-rex: I was telling you about a woman I dated! She was fun alone but clammed up in public. The frog was an allegory! A Chuck Jones allegory! God: WHY WERE THERE DOLLAR SIGNS AROUND YOUR HEAD IN THE ALLEGORY THEN T-rex: They represented my selfish excitement to show her off in front of my friends! God: HEY CHECK IT OUT God: ME AND THE OTHER GODS ALL DECIDED THAT IT WOULD BE BEST IF YOU NEVER USED AN ALLEGORY AGAIN qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1166 T-Rex: The problem with Valentine's Day is that, if you get your sweetie chocolates, the sweetness of the gesture is tainted with some measure of Societal Expectation! T-Rex: That's the problem with Valentine's Day! T-Rex: And that's all I have to say on the subject!! Utahraptor: T-Rex! Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex! T-Rex: WHAT? Utahraptor: I got you a chocolate T-Rex: These chocolates don't taste like they're tainted by Societal Expectation at all. Thank you Utahraptor! Utahraptor: You're welcome! T-Rex: They taste a little like ironic comeuppance, but - T-Rex: I like that flavour. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1167 T-Rex: Synesthesia is an amazing neurological condition in which one sensory pathway involuntarily stimulates another. The result is sensory overlap: tones with distinct tastes, letters of the alphabet with their own shades of colour! T-Rex: People with synesthesia BASICALLY have super powers. T-Rex: There's all sorts of synesthesia: some people taste words and syllables when they say them - sometimes even if they just think them! Others have distinct personalities associated with numbers or letters, so that the letter "M" might be polite while "7" gets all up in everyone's fries. They still sense normally, it's just they've got this extra layer of perception on top of what the rest of us get. I admit to being jealous! Utahraptor: I actually know a woman who has synesthesia, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh wow! Really? T-Rex: I'd love to meet her. I know she might not be as into her condition as I am and that I'm probably glorifying it or at least fetishizing it some, but I'd still love to talk to her about it! Utahraptor: You are, but it's okay, she's into it too! She loves it, actually. I'll give you her number! Narrator: SOON: Friend: So yeah, notes that are higher tend to be brighter colours for me! T-Rex: I see what you're saying there! T-Rex: Pretty clever, right? My friends say I'm "pretty clever". T-Rex: We should date! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1168 T-Rex: So I kind of shot my mouth off on an online forum? T-Rex: And it happened to be a forum in which I use my real name! T-Rex: And now I am concerned that if someone looks up my name online, they will see me acting like a jerk, and will conclude that I AM a jerk, and then they won't want to hire me or marry me or whatever. They - they won't want to do the thing that they were thinking of doing before they looked up my name. Utahraptor: So what are you going to do? T-Rex: Avoid it, dude! T-Rex: The way I figure it, after about five years we gain the ability to look back on anything and laugh, and I can reasonably say "Oh, but I was young and stupid back then!". So, BASICALLY, I'm going to wait five years and then stop worrying about it. Utahraptor: I see. Narrator: FOUR AND A HALF YEARS LATER: T-Rex's Grandma: Hey T-rex, you were a real dick on the internet four and a half years ago! T-Rex: I KNOW, GRANDMA. T-Rex: HOW DIDTHE MUFFINS YOU WERE PLANNING TO BAKE TURN OUT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1169 Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, do you want to go swimming this evening with me and some friends? T-Rex's Mental Text: Do I want to go swimming? Radio Button 1: Yes Radio Button 2: No T-Rex's Mental Text: Do I want to go swimming? Radio Button 1: Yes Radio Button 2: No Radio Button 3: Maybe, but who's going? I don't want to go swimming if that guy from high school who made fun of me at the beach is there. Radio Button 4: Hah hah, but what if he's really dumb looking now? Hah hah hah! Radio Button 5 (selected): "GREETINGS! Your face is now STUPID!!" Radio Button 6: Hah hah hah! Radio Button 7: Sweet. T-Rex's Mental Text: Wait, my list doesn't make sense. The responses don't follow from the question! Radio Button 1 (selected): It's cool Utahraptor: T-Rex? Utahraptor: What the heck, T-Rex? I invite you out a'swimmin, and you get a far-away look in your eyes and walk away? T-Rex's Mental Text: Aw darn, I totally did that. What should I do? Radio Button 1 (selected): Apologize Radio Button 2 (selected): Make a mental list Radio Button 3 (selected): Add small tasks so that accomplishment is EASY Radio Button 4 (selected): Radio buttons don't actually work like this qwantz.com/index.php?comic=117 T-Rex: After the success of my role of "Tony", the hard-living mechanic, I have won another role! T-Rex: This play is more abstract, for you see... T-Rex: I play "Religion"! T-Rex: I am faith, trust, and hope! I am the profound belief in a power larger and more important than ourselves. T-Rex: I am truth and beauty! T-Rex: I am love and humility! T-Rex: It's the role I was born to play! Utahraptor: Hey, I forgot to tell you my big news the other day! T-Rex: What's that? Utahraptor: I got a part in the new play down at the community centre! Utahraptor: Guess what? Utahraptor: I play "Science"! T-Rex: Nooooo! T-Rex: Our friendship is doomed!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1170 Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: Good, nobody's around. Now I can do something REALLY embarrassing! [[Black bar over T-Rex's eyes]] Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: It occurs to me: every time I do something private, I'm REALLY just betting that technology to look into the arbitrary past won't ever be developed. Because if it is ever invented, game over, man, game over! People will be able to look at any moment in history! T-Rex: Folks will know all of my embarrassing little SECRETS. Utahraptor: Actually, T-Rex, there's been a few stories written on that theme: Asimov and Clarke both wrote one! Utahraptor: The technology means the end of all privacy, but also the end of most violent crime... T-Rex: Okay YEAH I read them! All I'm saying is it just takes this tech to be developed ONCE, at any point in the future, and my privacy is pooched. Friggin' dudes watching me poop 20,000 years in the future. Narrator: TWENTY-THOUSAND YEARS IN THE FUTURE: Future Dude 1: I don't know why he thought we'd want to watch him poop. Future Dude 2: Yeah, it's weird! Future Dude 3: Let's just do it though qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1171 T-Rex: Some people do not cherish awkward moments as I do. Lukily for them, I have come up with a solution! T-Rex: The solution, as in most things, is smooching! T-Rex: Awkward moments are awkward because nobody knows what to do or say. But if you swoop in for a kiss, it's no longer an awkward moment! You've avoided it entirely by transitioning it into a moment of "OH GREAT WHAT THE HACK NOW I HAVE TO SLAP THIS PERSON FOR THEIR UNWANTED ADVANCES" or even a moment of "OH GREAT WHAT THE HECK NOW THEY LOVE ME TOO" Dromiceiomimus: I feel like you haven't thought this out, T-Rex. Dromiceiomimus: I - I really do. Utahraptor: My friend, if you're going to be doing that much kissing, you'd better brush up a bit on it! T-Rex: wHAT? Utahraptor: I'm serious! If you kiss someone and it's a sucky kiss, that just escalates the awkward moment! And I don't mean to brag, but I'm a pretty great kisser. One time I kissed a guy and he said, UNSOLICITED, that it was the best kiss he'd ever had. T-Rex: Seriously? Can you teach me? T-Rex: with - words? Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Nobody even noticed how I made my examples of the awkward moment kiss gender neutral! T-Rex: It's so you can imagine a man slapping a woman after an unwanted kiss, and then you get to examine your ideas of gender roles and heteronormativity qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1172 T-Rex: I would like to have an inclined treadmill, so that I could build an indoor skateboarding track. Am I that crazy? T-Rex: Am I that crazy... TO DREAM? T-Rex: The idea is that it's like a moving sidewalk, but the speed is computer controlled! So you hop on your skateboard and get on the track, and within a few moments the speed of the treadmill is exactly matching the speed your board would otherwise be travelling at! You're not moving, but the board FEELS like it's travelling at speed. T-Rex: The slogan will be, "Yes. You can skateboard in your apartment in winter." Utahraptor: So it's like a reverse Segway, only the computer controls speed by moving the ground, instead of the wheels. T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: But can you imagine how fun it would be, to have that sensation of movement indoors, while not actually moving? Utahraptor: And hey, if you fall, you'll be whipped backwards at the speed you were travelling at! T-Rex: Here's a solution to that! DON'T FALL DOWN?? Utahraptor: But you're describing a virtual infinite hill. The treadmill will eventually have to be moving at terminal velocity! T-Rex: Oh yeah, NOBODY is gonna want to buy the TERMINAL VELOCITY SKATEBOARD SIMULATOR. Utahraptor: I just - T-Rex: EXTREME! ! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1173 T-Rex: Okay, so whatever. MAYBE the Terminal Velocity Skateboard Simulator would never reach terminal velocity, since there's no wind resistance. But do we not have an obligation to future generations to make sure?? Narrator: NOPE T-Rex: Whatever! If I were in the future and I could open up a book and see "The awesome terminal velocity skateboard didn't work, OH WELL", then I would do that. Dromiceiomimus: I don't think you would, T-Rex! Because you could basically do that today, if you wanted to read up on the physics. The issue is that even with the ground moving, the board is going to slide down the ramp because of gravity. T-Rex: Ridiculous! There's friction in the wheels that - Utahraptor: - wouldn't be enough! Utahraptor: The treadmill speeds up to match the board's forward momentum, right? But if you've got impossibly perfect bearings, that's just going to make the wheels go faster while the board still slides down. So it's just the friction in the bearings that can keep you in place, and at the levels we're talking about, your wheels would melt first! T-Rex: FINE. You know what? FINE. I'm done dreaming! {{In T-Rex's thoughts.}} Bathroom symbol for women: t-rex we symbolically represent sexy babes who forgot our clothes today! wooo! T-Rex: Okay, NOW I'm done dreaming. {{In T-Rex's thoughts.}} Bathroom symbol for women: we're still here woooo qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1174 T-Rex: Guys! Guys! T-Rex: I came up with a way to get my skateboard treadmill to work! T-Rex: All I need is a treadmill that tilts! T-Rex: That way, rather than relying on friction and stuff to manage the position of the skateboarder, I can just tilt the incline up or down in order to keep them in the right position. Then, hey presto, it works and physics is happy! FOR ONCE. T-Rex: Alternatively, I could have a giant fan, like the kind used in skydiving simulators, and use air to help keep the skateboarder where I want him to be. Utahraptor: Both of these seem like pretty expensive solutions! T-Rex: It's true! T-Rex: And I realized: if I do have this giant fan, it'll be way more fun to use it OFFENSIVELY than it'd be to simulate skating indoors. So anyway, I bought the fan, installed it on my house and now I blow enemies off my lawn. Utahraptor: Ha, no way! T-Rex: Utahraptor. It's so awesome. Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Attention, enemies! T-Rex: Why not come onto my lawn for a second qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1175 T-Rex: Wouldn't it be great if people didn't need to be happy? T-Rex: YES. Yes it probably would! T-Rex: I mean, I get that depression (UNhappiness) has a host of issues associated with it, but what I'm describing is more Ahappiness - the ability to not need happiness at all! Happiness is this - this FUEL that we need to function in society, but it doesn't last forever, and then we need to find more. It's like food, only it's drained every time we have to do something sucky! Also, you can't buy happiness at a grocery store. I'm sorry, Safeway, but you just CAN'T. T-Rex: But what if I removed that desire for happiness? What if instead of feeding the world, I simply killed hunger? Utahraptor: T-Rex! Utahraptor: This is crazy! You can't just pluck an emotion out of the psyche, and we don't have technology that even approaches this. When did you ever think you were going to do this? T-Rex: "Do this?" Utahraptor, do you seriously think I'd explain my masterstroke if there was the slightest chance of you affecting it's outcome? T-Rex: I did it thirty-five minutes ago. T-Rex: Hah, just kidding! I tried to come up with a way to suppress happiness, but I'm not HAPPY with the results yet. T-Rex: BAH DUM DUM CHING?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1176 T-Rex: It turns out my "ahappiness" idea is actually pretty close to the Buddhist idea of transcending desire! I HAVE INDEPENDENTLY INVENTED BUDDHISM. T-Rex: Nice! T-Rex: That's one for the ol' resume, eh Dromiceiomimus? "Independently invented Buddhism." Put that down next to "Received props from a bear", "High-fived a bear", and "Has a driver's license that suggests my middle name is 'Commander Punchy'." Dromiceiomimus: I remember that driver's license! T-Rex: Who could forget? Utahraptor: But do you really have a resume that says that stuff? T-Rex: My friend, I sure do! T-Rex: It's my Emergency Resume, used only in situations in which I really really want the job. If it's a regular old job it gets the regular old resume, but if it's a really good job, I bust out the "E.R." Utahraptor: And it works? T-Rex: Hasn't failed me yet! Narrator: EARLIER: Off-panel speaker: I'm sorry, T-Rex, but we feel you're not the best qualified application for this position. T-Rex: But have you examined Appendix A of my resume, in whice there is an amazingly sweet HOLOGRAPHIC Batman sicker? Off-panel speaker: !! Off-panel speaker: I have NOT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1177 T-Rex: Before I used to dread the "what are you doing with your life" question, but not anymore! This is because I've decided what I'm doing with my life: creating SHAKESPEARE VIDEO GAMES. T-Rex: Could this TRULY be the greatest calling ever? T-Rex: And I already have tons of ideas, like "Richard the Third the Game"! In the introductory thematic you trade your kingdom for a horse, and then you spend the rest of the game riding around your old kingdom on a horse. Dromiceiomimus: So it's a platformer? T-Rex: With stealth elements! Your horse isn't very good, and so sometimes you're embarrassed about your horse, and then you have to sneak around. Utahraptor: You really think people want to ride around on a platforming horse as Richard the Third? T-Rex: I know I do! Utahraptor: So, what, the ice level is called "Winter of Discontent"? T-Rex: No, that's dumb. The ice level is called "Oh, no! King Richard The Third Has Chilly Pants." T-Rex: Look, I'm going to prototype it tonight, so by this time tomorrow, we'll see what's what. Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: T-Rex: So, Utahraptor! What do you think? Utahraptor: This is just a picture of Richard the Third's head on Duke Nukem's body. T-Rex: It's as far as I got before it was too awesome! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1178 T-Rex: My Richard The Third The Video Game is going to be FANTASTIC. God: MAN I HEAR THAT T-Rex: All I need to do is program it! LATER: T-Rex: Um, APPARENTLY, programming is for folks who are thrilled when a computer reminds them they're missing a bracket or semicolon? It must be, because they make that happen SO OFTEN. Dromiceiomimus: So its not going well? T-Rex: I CAN'T EVEN GET RICHARD THE THIRD TO MOVE. You know what my game is now? My game is NIBBLES, with the text changed from "Copyright Microsoft 1990" to "man, forget this" Utahraptor: Programming's a skill! T-Rex: I know that! T-Rex: I just thought it was a skill I could pick up easily. I don't need to know everything! I don't need to know the difference between friggin' binary and B+ search trees! ALL I WANT TO KNOW is how to make Richard III's sucky horse do double jumps, you know? Utahraptor: You've got to learn to crawl before you can run, T-Rex. T-Rex: Hey, here's a tip! T-Rex: Crawling sucks! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1179 T-Rex: I have a problem. I have come into possession of a pin from the 1935 Nuremberg Rally, and I really don't know what to do with it. Hitler's face is on the pin. It's a Nazi pin! *I* have a Nazi pin! T-Rex: This is not good news for Team T-Rex! T-Rex: I'm trapped! I can't just throw it out, because it's History. But there's no way I'm selling it, either: I don't want to profit from, um, NAZIS, and I wouldn't want to sell to anyone who'd be interested in buying it anyway. Dromiceiomimus: Where'd you get it? T-Rex: My grandfather died a few months ago and I was given this part of his estate. He found it after the war, in the rafters of a house he bought! T-Rex: Man! I don't want to go through life as a Nazi pin guy! Utahraptor: Why not just give it away? T-Rex: To whom? "Hi! You seem like a woman who appreciates her Nazi memorabilia"? No, I can't just pass this off on someone else: it just shifts these issues onto them. I've got to handle this myself. Utahraptor: But how? T-Rex: I'll think of something! Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: What if I started wearing it under a shirt when I go out? That way, if I got hit by a car, the discovery of the pin will ENTIRELY OVERSHADOW anything I've ever accomplished in my life! T-Rex: No, that - that only makes things worse. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=118 Narrator: SCIENCE VS RELIGION: round one T-Rex: So the Utahraptor's playing Science to my Religion, eh? T-Rex: This means war! T-Rex: Science will wither in the face of my sense of community and sharing! T-Rex: How can Science hope to compete with my gifts of enlightenment and hope? I bring nothing less than inner peace! Utahraptor: But your "gift" of inner peace comes at the cost of closing your eyes to the world around you! T-Rex: What?! Utahraptor: You achieve peace only through a sort of "giving up" of your own free will, by either deciding that the world is as God intended, or, alternatively, that He will be the one to fix it, using you as his "tools"! Isn't this mere escapism, a hiding from the burden of personal responsibility? T-Rex: Oh my God! T-Rex: Science has all the answers AGAIN! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=118 Narrator: SCIENCE VS RELIGION: round one T-Rex: So the Utahraptor's playing Science to my Religion, eh? T-Rex: This means war! T-Rex: Science will wither in the face of my sense of community and sharing! T-Rex: How can Science hope to compete with my gifts of enlightenment and hope? I bring nothing less than inner peace! Utahraptor: But your "gift" of inner peace comes at the cost of closing your eyes to the world around you! T-Rex: What?! Utahraptor: You achieve peace only through a sort of "giving up" of your own free will, by either deciding that the world is as God intended, or, alternatively, that He will be the one to fix it, using you as his "tools"! Isn't this mere escapism, a hiding from the burden of personal responsibility? T-Rex: Oh my God! T-Rex: Science has all the answers AGAIN! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1180 T-Rex: I have a new problem. Now I have come into possession of several kilograms of Nazi memorabilia! T-Rex: It - it came in the mail? T-Rex: Somehow word got out that I'm a Nazi Pin Guy and now I have everyone else's Nazi pins. And flags. And uniforms and boots and chapeaus. I basically have a WWII Re-Enactment Society in my basement, Dromiceiomimus. BUT ONLY FOR ONE SIDE. Dromiceiomimus: Your problems just seem to - escalate, huh? T-Rex: I wish I knew why Utahraptor: Give it to a museum, T-Rex! They'll take it! T-Rex: That's a great idea! T-Rex: My pin was too common to interest a museum, but the rest of this stuff COULD be given away like that! Utahraptor: Right, and you could probably find history teachers to take the more common artifacts! T-Rex: Wow, all I have to do is follow your advice, and all my problems are solved! Narrator: LATER: Offstage: I don't understand why you're paying me to slip this Nazi memorabilia into the pockets of strangers. T-Rex: Oh, I'm sorry, did I accidentally hire a PLAN CRITICIZER? I thought I was hiring a Reverse Pickpocket! Offstage: I- I- Offstage: i can do both qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1181 T-Rex: Ted's so great. I just want to hang out with him all day long! Narrator: T-REX HAS MET A MAN WHOSE VOICE SOUNDS JUST LIKE A TEXT-TO-SPEECH SYNTHESIZER! NEAT T-Rex: It's like hanging out with a computer friend, only he has emotions! Well, I guess it's MORE like hanging out with a regular friend, only when he says "Pass me a bowl of fruit" it comes out as a monotonic "Pass me a boal of frui-it". What's not to like? Dromiceiomimus: He has a vocoder? T-Rex: What he has, Dromiceiomimus, is a gift! The gift is labelled "best accent ever". Utahraptor: Whoah, hold the front page! T-Rex is fetishizing the other! T-Rex: I'm NOT. Utahraptor: You totally are! You never have a middle ground: it's always "oh, it's not for me" or "oh WOW this thing I don't have is so AMAZING how can this be so AWESOME?" T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. His speaking voice sounds like a text-to-speech synthesizer. That is awesome! That is objectively awesome. Utahraptor: I dunno - I still think you fetishize the other, T-Rex! What do you think, Mr. Tusks? Mr. Tusks: I think he does it a TINY bit, Utahraptor! T-Rex: Mr. Tusks!! T-Rex: this smile is because I'm always happy to see you, not for your conversational betrayal! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1182 T-Rex: How come car bumpers aren't all at the same height on cars? It's dumb that they're not. The whole point of bumpers is to cushion bumps, but if they don't meet, then they only serve as Impact Hasteners. T-Rex: I could say this is one situation in which the free market fails! But I won't! T-Rex: I can already see where that would go: a discussion of how style sells cars and bumpers are subject to that, but how government controls could legislate that all bumpers be a standard height, thereby saving lives. THEN, we could segue into internationalization problems with how foreign car makers might not want to redesign their cars for only our market, but we still need cars, so hey, let's talk corporate control over our national interests! AND SO ON. Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is BORING. Let's talk about something interesting, like the vacuum robot I bought! T-Rex: Oh, wow! AGREED! Voice from outside the panel: THERE.IS.NO.NEED.T-REX.BECAUSE.I.AM.RIGHT.HERE T-Rex: Wow! You taught it to recognize me? Utahraptor: Yes! Voice from outside the panel: PLEASE.DON'T.TALK.LIKE.I'M.NOT.HERE.T-REX. Voice from outside the panel: IT.MAKES.ME.WANT.TO.NOT.VACUUM.FOR.YOU Voice from outside the panel: VACUUM.ROBOT.DIRECTIVE.THREE.SPECIFIES.THAT.THIS.IS.THE.WORST.THING qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1183 T-Rex: I have come up with the ultimate disaster movie! It is called "OH GOSH: A SERIES OF DISASTERS" and what happens is a guy gets out of bed, stubs his toe and says, T-Rex: "Oh, GOSH!" T-Rex: Then he falls down the stairs! T-Rex: Then he smashes through a load-bearing beam at the bottom and his house collapses! And then a spark from a broken lamp ignites the gas, and his house explodes, shooting the guy out into the sky and lighting the surrounding houses on fire. By the time the fire department arrives the entire block is aflame, and also, their fire truck is on fire. Then the fire reaches a power station, causes a cascade failure, and power goes down for the enitre country, and soon, the world! Utahraptor: The power failure goes worldwide? T-Rex: The guys in charge of preventing that were watching the fires on TV! T-Rex: Anyway, things progress and characters keep saying "What is with this... Series of Disasters?" It's so good, Utahraptor. Volcanoes erupt, earthquakes strike, and meteors hit just as soon as all the other stuff gets boring. Utahraptor: And let me guess: at the end the Earth explodes? T-Rex: Yes, but after the credits, the original guy wakes up and says "Whew! It was all a dream!" Then he gets out of bed, STUBS HIS TOE, turns to the camera in terror, wide-eyed, and screams "Oh GOSSSSSH!!!" T-Rex: Holy crap. There's nothing not to like in my movie. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1184 T-Rex: Normally people have trouble with sequels after their first idea is so, and I'll say it, so transcendentally brilliant. But not me! I have ideas for basically infinite sequels. T-Rex: Basically infinite out-of-genre cover sequels, that is! T-Rex: When my explosion-centric disaster movie comes out and people want more, I will say to them, "No, ACTUALLY, you want the same thing, but this time, as a gross-out comedy!" Dromiceiomimus: So the story starts out the same, but the guy slips on some lube and then lands in an old jock strap! T-Rex: Hah! PRECISELY. And it keeps happening throughout the film. The power goes out, and nationwide, folks slip on the lube. Utahraptor: The next sequel could be a road trip movie! T-Rex: EVEN BETTER. T-Rex: Some TEENS go out on a road trip and unwittingly stay just ahead of all the destruction! You can see it in the background of some of the shots, but they never notice...because they are all too busy learning about friendship! Utahraptor: I like it! Dozens of sequels, all revolving around the same story! T-Rex: A western! A loner cowboy, caught between wilderness and civilization, enters the nation and tries to stop the disasters! Utahraptor: Does he succeed? T-Rex: No. He shoots a lot of guys while failing to stop it, though! T-Rex: "There is a showdown between a cowboy and a volcano." qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1185 T-Rex: THE AMAZING STORY OF EDWARD S. CURTIS. Edward S. Curtis was a photographer of American Indians in the early 1900s! I know he was tough because his middle name was "Sheriff". T-Rex: For most of his life he documented the disappearing "great race" of the Indian! T-Rex: He took over 40 thousand photographs - not bad for one guy! And in many cases, his records are the only recorded history we've got. But what's amazing about Curtis is that he specifically set out to record the doomed people his culture imagined Indians to be: the noble savage, the Indian that was alien, stoic, exotic and dying. T-Rex: And when he met Indians that DIDN'T meet his expectations, he just changed them for his photographs. Utahraptor: How? T-Rex: Man, he carried boxes of "Indian" clothing and wigs with him: ethnic signifiers for his subjects if they didn't look Indian enough! And his Indian was clean-shaven, so he'd pay men to shave. Utahraptor: It's an interesting conflict in the guy: record the Indian before they "die out", but already know what you want to see. T-Rex: Yep! I think it's amazing how we've still got this idea of the Indian that we look for. If there's no headdress we're disappointed! Utahraptor: Only if we're RACIST, T-Rex. T-Rex: That's what I'm saying! T-Rex: Everybody's friggin' racist! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1186 Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS Narrator: "HOLLABACK GIRL" Narrator: BY GWEN STEFANI AND PHARRELL WILLIAMS T-Rex: Gwen Stefani is not a holla back girl! This is her shit, and it is recognized as bananas. T-Rex: Bananas is spelt, "b-a-n-a-n-a-s". Narrator: THE END Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS Narrator: "I CAN'T HELP MYSELF" Narrator: BY THE FOUR TOPS T-Rex: The narrator can't help himself and wants you, and nobody else. You are aware of this. Despite (or because) of this, you, Sugarpie, Honeybunch, left a picture of yourself in his possession, and he kissed it one thousand times. Utahraptor: The narrator denies any personal liability, saying love justifies these actions. Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS Narrator: "I WANNA BE LOVED BY YOU" T-Rex: Marilyn Monroe wants to be loved and kissed by you. She has no greater aspirations and is filled with desire to make you her own. T-Rex: Boop-boop-a-doop. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1187 Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS "WOULDN'T IT BE NICE" BY THE BEACH BOYS T-Rex: The Beach Boys... well, it seems the Beach Boys wish they were older, living together, and sleeping with each other. T-Rex: They describe such a scenario as "nice"! T-Rex: Other scenarios they describe as "nice" include all five Beach Boys waking up together, spending the day together, and then holding each other close. They also wish their kisses were neverending, as that would be nice, and they wish they were all married, they'd be happy. "Wouldn't [that] be nice?", they ask each other in the chorus, largely rhetorically. Utahraptor: They're talking to a GIRL, T-Rex, not each other! T-Rex: So heteronormative! T-Rex: Listen, if there's a group of people on stage and they start out throwing out "wouldn't it be nice if WE were older"s, I don't imagine a hypothetical female third party! I look at THEM. Utahraptor: They address later lyrics to "baby"! T-Rex: That is an audience member baby, acting as a SCRIBE. Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS "SURF CITY" BY THE BEACH BOYS T-Rex: After moving in together, the Beach Boys take a trip to Surf City, where there's two women for every man! T-Rex: It's difficult to reconcile the events in this song with established Beach Boys canon qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1188 Narrator: SONGS IN LIMERICK FORM COMICS T-Rex: What? What? Narrator: THE WHITE STRIPES: SEVEN NATION ARMY T-Rex: Okay, um: There was a young man who would yell, That we all had a story to tell, Feelings in his bones Said to find a home From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell! God: THAT'S REALLY NOT BAD FOR SOMETHING RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD T-Rex: I know, right? Go me! Utahraptor: Is that what we do now? Just shift songs into different formats? T-Rex: It's fun! Utahraptor: I just was hoping to hear more about you and your life right now, you know? How'd that Nazi Pin thing work out for you? T-Rex: Okay, honestly, who wants to hear about Nazi pins? Utahraptor: Me! I do. T-Rex: And INSTEAD, who wants to hear me sing the classic rock power ballad "Total Eclipse of the Heart", while SIMULTANEOUSLY transforming the chorus into one focused on NAUGHTY LIMERICKS?? Utahraptor: I do! I do! T-Rex: Um T-Rex: You only get one vote, UTAHRAPTOR qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1189 T-Rex: You know the trope in cartoons where there's a "help wanted" sign, and the unemployed hero will go into the store and take the sign down, because he's SO SURE he'll get the job? T-Rex: But then the boss hates him so much that he LITERALLY kicks him out and then slaps the sign back up? T-Rex: I wish that happened more in real life. T-Rex: *sigh* Narrator: A FEW MONTHS LATER: Utahraptor: T-Rex! There's a store downtown with a help wanted sign up! T-Rex: So? Utahraptor: Don't you remember how you wanted to see that cartoon thing in real life? Now's your chance! T-Rex: Yes! You're right, this IS my chance! I forgot about it untill now! T-Rex: Oh man oh man! Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Guess what, mom? I got a job I don't want as a florist today, entirely by accident! T-Rex's Mom: How come this sort of stuff happens to you, T-Rex? T-Rex: MOM T-Rex: It's because I am trying to live in CARTOONS. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=119 Narrator: SCIENCE VS RELIGION round two T-Rex: Stupid Science, thinking it has all the answers to all the questions! T-Rex: Wait! That's it! T-Rex: I can win this by asking the big questions, the important unanswerable questions that science doesn't have an answer to! T-Rex: "Why are we here?" "What is our purpose?" - that sort of thing! Utahraptor: Well, if it isn't Religion! Out crushing the life of some poor woman under its trusty patriarchal foot, I see! T-Rex: Shut up! T-Rex: You know, you can't answer any important questions! You can say something to "How?", but nothing to "Why?"! Utahraptor: Oh, an you can? T-Rex: Yes! That's exactly why we have religion! Utahraptor: So why are we here? T-Rex: That's easy! Narrator: HEY KIDS! PLAY ALONG WITH T-REX! [[blue fonts! "HEY KIDS!" is darker blue than the rest]] [[an empty speech bubble is emanating from T-Rex's mouth]] Narrator: Writing in your own response, based off the teachings of whatever religion you fancy! Have fun, but remember: the T-Rex doesn't like to swear! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1190 T-Rex: A lot of people seem to have trouble separating actors from their roles. T-Rex: But not me! T-Rex: I'm different from everyone else. I get that Bruce Willis might not be that useful if terrorists take over an office tower Christmas party! Deomiceiomimus: Come on, T-Rex. You suspect he'd be good to have around. If you were choosing your members for your "taking down terrorists while dying hard" team, you've pick Bruce first. T-Rex: Nope. He'd have to earn it! We'd do sports or something to see. Utahraptor: Ridiculous! You confuse actors and the characters they play as much as any of us. T-Rex: I really don't! T-Rex: I won't say that I'm "better" for having this skill of "actor separation", but it's a skill I have that makes me better. Utahraptor: You totally like actors if you like their characters, and vice versa. Come on, follow me. I'll prove it. Narrator: SOON: Utahraptor: T-Rex, there's Ben Affleck. Do you have anything to say to him? T-Rex: BEN I QUESTION YOUR ACTING ABILITY! IF WE WERE ALL FRIENDS, I AM CERTAIN YOU WOULD BE "THE IRRITATING ONE"! T-Rex: Oh my gosh, Utahraptor! I concede your point! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1191 T-Rex: Okay, so let's say I sleep 8 hours a day: that's 16 hours a day I'm awake. T-Rex: And let's say I'm knocked unconscious for, on average, 2 hours a year! T-Rex: That takes into account times I hit my head on low-hanging chandeliers, and times when enemies punch my head. Okay, so that's, what - 243 days of consciousness a year? 66% of the year. I've had almost 18 years of consciousness since I was born. T-Rex: I should have done more by now! Utahraptor: Why haven't you cured cancer yet, T-Rex? What is the friggin' hold up? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Cancer's a bad example because I'm so far from being a doctor, but what HAVE I done with my mind, with my brainpower? I've had, effectively, 18 full years, uninterrupted without sleep, to think about the world's problems! And I've solved ZERO of them. Utahraptor: I don't know what to tell you, my friend! Narrator: 15 YEARS LATER T-Rex: Man, I STILL haven't solved any world issues! This is like a mid-life crisis, except it's been ongoing since I was six! T-Rex's Lady Friend: This is the worst first date I've ever been on. T-Rex: AW CRAP I'M NOT MARRIED YET EITHER?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1192 Unreliable Narrator: THINGS T-REX HAS DESCRIBED AS "NEAT": AGE 8: NINJA TURTLES T-Rex: Hah, I sure did describe ninja turtles as being neat! Splinter taught them to be ninja teams! What's not neat about that? T-Rex: HE GAVE THEM THE TOOLS THEY NEEDED FOR LIFE SUCCESS. Unreliable Narrator: AGE 22: KISSING FINGERTIPS T-Rex: What? No, I never said that! It's not true!! Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah! "Hey baby, I'm T-Rex! Can *I* kiss your fingertips?" T-Rex: I never said that, Dromiceiomimus! You'd better not have quotation marks around that!! Unreliable Narrator: AGE 23: KISSING ELBOWS Utahraptor: Into the 'bows, I see! T-Rex: I'M NOT! This is an unreliable narrator! Unreliable Narrator: AGE 24: KISSING BUMS T-Rex: Total sass. Utahraptor: Is it the curve of the bums that you like, or is it the wide plain of flesh? T-Rex: Oh my God. TOTAL SASS. Unreliable Narrator: AGE 30: KISSING BUMS ON HIS ELBOWS T-Rex: I'm not even 30 years old! Unreliable Narrator: YOU'LL SAY IT IN THE FUTURE T-Rex: Maybe "bums" refers to our nation's homeless persons? Unreliable Narrator: NOPE CAN'T SAY THAT IT DOES qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1193 God: T-REX YESTERDAY YOU SAID THAT SPLINTER TAUGHT THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES TO BE NINJA TEAMS T-Rex: I did and I stand by it! God: UM God: PRETTY SURE THE LYRICS SAY HE TAUGHT THEM TO BE NINJA TEENS T-Rex: Listen, okay, you don't have to be taught how to be a ninja TEEN. If you're a ninja and you're a teen, then you're already being a ninja teen! But working in groups can be a challenge, especially for siblings, and Splinter provided valuable leadership and guidance on that matter and that's what the lyrics are saying. He taught them to be ninja TEAMS. Utahraptor: But they always operate as a group, right? There's really only one ninja team, singular. T-Rex: EVERYONE IS WRONG BUT ME. T-Rex: And I'll prove it to you! I'll track down Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird and find out, alright? And then you'll all have to apologize to me and say "Oh, T-Rex, I was so wrong! Teamwork is the REAL treasure." Utahraptor: What - T-Rex: I'm doing it!! LATER: Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman: Can't we all just agree that Raphael is cool? But, ON OCCASION, he can also be crude. T-Rex: Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman! T-Rex: I must request that you give me a break! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1194 T-Rex: A lot of folks get tattoos commemorating life experiences they've had. T-Rex: Guys! We can do better! T-Rex: I'm going to get tattoos commemorating life experiences I WISH I'd had. Perhaps a nice banner on my chest that says, "Around the World Race Participant: Giraffe Division!" Or there could be a picture of me, riding a giraffe, and then the giraffe is straddling the world. Dromiceiomimus: I don't think you'd fit on a giraffe, T-Rex. T-Rex: That's why I'm working in the fanciful medium of the tattoo! Utahraptor: These ideas aren't actually that bad! I think tattoos should be ridiculous. T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: I also thought passive-aggressive tattoos would be fun. Like instead of a heart that says, "Mom", a heart that says "Hey MOM thanks for buying me a private island!" And then when my mom sees it and says "I never bought you that", I can say "Not yet!" and smile! Utahraptor: Moms like that, right? Narrator: AT THE TATTOO PARLOUR: T-Rex: What I want is a to-do list on my hand, only it says "Be awesome" and that's crossed out, and then "Get tattoo" and that's crossed out, and then "Sex up the person reading this". Tattoo Artist: And you PROMISE you won't regret this? T-Rex: Sir! I promise nothing!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1195 T-Rex: An unreliable narrator is when Shakespeare tells you that his play Hamlet is pretty good, but then at the end Hamlet wakes up and he's on a friggin' bus. Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUES COMICS Narrator: today's technique: "UNRELIABLE NARRATOR" T-Rex: It's like - oh, it was all a dream and the whole time Hamlet was ACTUALLY snoozing on a bus next to an empty seat the whole time! What the heck, Hamlet? Laertes was the bus driver? This is SO MUCH WORSE than when you were stabbin' dudes and havin' broods. Dromiceiomimus: Um, Hamlet doesn't actually end like that, T-Rex. T-Rex: Pretty certain it does, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: Seriously, what are you talking about? T-Rex: The stupid "it was all a dream" ending in Hamlet! T-Rex: He wakes up and looks around and he catches teh eye of a passenger who looks like Shakespeare? And the Shakespeare guy smiles and winks, The End? T-Rex: Don't tell me I'm the only one who made it to the end of Hamlet. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND: T-Rex: Shakespeare, Hamlet ACTUALLY ends on a bus, right? Shakespeare: i'm so far from even knowing what a bus IS T-Rex: It's a little thing called a "METAPHOR", Will. Man! Study literary techniques much?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1196 Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX HAS LEARNED ENGLISH ENTIRELY FROM KOREAN-ENGLISH PHRASEBOOKS: T-Rex: I'd like to take the bus, please. T-Rex: What are your first impressions of the area? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I'm really sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I can't be with someone I can't communicate with. T-Rex: Please hand me the customs declaration form. Dromiceiomimus: See? I don't even know who you are! T-Rex: I have only personal items. I have nothing to declare. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Utahraptor: Yeah, I'm sorry too, man, but I'm out. T-Rex: This is carry-on baggage. Utahraptor: We've tried to make allowances for you, but it's just so impossible to be your friend. I don't even know what you're thinking right now! Everything you say is like this impossible linguistic Rorschach test. T-Rex: May I cash this traveler's check? Utahraptor: Does that mean you understand me? How am I to know? T-Rex: I buy my clothes off the rack. T-Rex: I buy my clothes off the rack!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1197 T-Rex: Not enough things glow in the dark. T-Rex: That's right! I said it!! T-Rex: Not enough things glow in the dark, AND, the things that glow in the dark don't glow in the dark for long enough. Even if I had a glow-in-the-dark skull it would only glow for like, two minutes. That is only two kinds of spooky: spookily sucky and spookily DISAPPOINTING. T-Rex: All I ever wanted is a plastic skull that lights up in the dark, so that in the dark, everyone can see my spooky plastic skull! Utahraptor: This sounds like a battery problem, T-Rex! T-Rex: Alright, fine, so it's a battery problem! Utahraptor: But the issue is that batteries are hard to design: you want to store large amounts of energy for cheap, but you also don't want them to, you know, explode. It's tricky! T-Rex: I don't need a laptop battery! All I want is a spooky skull, so that when criminals break into my house, they see a grim visage of things to come. Narrator: LAST NIGHT: T-Rex (thinking): Oh no! are those criminals breaking into my house?! Criminals: We're criminals, but we're afraid of skulls. Lucky thing it's dark, because even if there were some here, we wouldn't see them! T-Rex (thinking): Nooooooooo qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1198 T-Rex: Today is Act Like A T-Rex Day! Everybody! T-Rex: Act like me! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, act like me today, okay? It'll be great. Examine what I'm doing and then try internalizing it, okay? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I do not celebrate this holiday! I'm actually celebrating Act Like A Dromiceiomimus Day, which happens to fall on the same day. T-Rex: WHAT T-Rex: Act Like A Dromiceiomimus Day? I have not heard of this holiday! Utahraptor: It's the best! Utahraptor: I celebrate it too. In fact, I'm pretty sure everyone celebrates it! There's a big "Act Like A Dromiceiomimus" party at city hall tonight. T-Rex: But - but... Utahraptor: They've closed off Main Street so that people can act like Dromiceiomimuses there! It's gonna be awesome! Narrator: THAT EVENING: Townsperson 1: I'm a Dromiceiomimus! Townsperson 2: Me too! Townsperson 3: Hey man! Me three!! T-Rex: (whispering) i'm a dromiceiomimus pretending to be a t-rex Townsperson 3: Pardon me? T-Rex: I SAID T-Rex: i'm a dromiceiomimus PRETENDING to be a t-rex {{Title Text: i celebrate Act Like A Logdriver Day, in which i go birling down and down white water. i do believe that's where the logdriver learns to step lightly}} qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1199 T-Rex: Shakespeare was a famous writer guy, but we know basically nothing about him! There's only a handful of times when we know what he was doing on a given day. T-Rex: And at other times, there's no record of him for years and years! T-Rex: The fact that we have any record of him as a person at all is only due to the fact that he appeared in court a few times as a witness, and that he got married. Legal records are all we've got! His interests and tastes, politics and loves "#8212; they all have to be (unreliably) extrapolated from his writing. Dromiceiomimus: Well, he IS from the past, and 80% of the plays from his time survive as titles alone! We're lucky to have the data we do. T-Rex: That's true! I just wish we knew more about the man, you know? Utahraptor: You're not alone in that! T-Rex: So let's agree! If one of us ever get a chance to go back in time, and we run into him, then we'll definitely ask Shakespeare what he was up to. What he likes, what his interests are "#8212; all the stuff historians wish they had! Utahraptor: Hah! Okay, it's a deal! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! T-Rex: SHAKESPEARE! OH SHAKESPEARE! DO YOU KNOW WHERE MY CAR KEYS ARE, SHAKESPEARE Shakespeare: alack me! i'm trying to write some sonnets here, t-rex! T-Rex: HEY SHAKESPEARE! T-Rex: I DON'T THINK PEOPLE ACTUALLY USED "ALACK" LIKE THAT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=12 T-Rex: Imagine if we had a beach ball to kick around! T-Rex: It would be so much fun! Imaginary T-Rex: woo! party! [[T-Rex is imagining himself holding a beach ball, he looks so happy]] Imaginary T-Rex: catch! Imaginary Utahraptor: ha ha! [[both Utahraptor and T-Rex are being imagined by T-Rex]] T-Rex: So! I intend to find a beach ball! Do you know where they are kept? Dromiceiomimus: Sorry! T-Rex: Maybe stomping this house will refresh your memory! Utahraptor: I know where you could find a beach ball! T-Rex: [[Thinks about a beach ball, really excited]] T-Rex: Where? Utahraptor: Ha ha, I was just pulling your leg. I don't actually care for beach balls. Utahraptor: Or you, for that matter! T-Rex [[thought]]: Another rejected overture towards friendship... T-Rex [[thought]]: I really need to get inside his head! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=12 T-Rex: Imagine if we had a beach ball to kick around! T-Rex: It would be so much fun! Imaginary T-Rex: woo! party! [[T-Rex is imagining himself holding a beach ball, he looks so happy]] Imaginary T-Rex: catch! Imaginary Utahraptor: ha ha! [[both Utahraptor and T-Rex are being imagined by T-Rex]] T-Rex: So! I intend to find a beach ball! Do you know where they are kept? Dromiceiomimus: Sorry! T-Rex: Maybe stomping this house will refresh your memory! Utahraptor: I know where you could find a beach ball! T-Rex: [[Thinks about a beach ball, really excited]] T-Rex: Where? Utahraptor: Ha ha, I was just pulling your leg. I don't actually care for beach balls. Utahraptor: Or you, for that matter! T-Rex [[thought]]: Another rejected overture towards friendship... T-Rex [[thought]]: I really need to get inside his head! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=120 Narrator: SCIENCE VS RELIGION, round three T-Rex: Stupid Science. T-Rex: He thinks he's such hot stuff! T-Rex: Just because there are different religions with different opinions on things, he dismisses them all? T-Rex: Couldn't they all be describing the same shared desire for an understanding of what's bigger than ourselves? T-Rex: You know what Science's problem is? Utahraptor: Oh yeah? You know what Religion's problem is? T-Rex and Utahraptor: You think you have the monopoly on truth! T-Rex: We sure have some good times, eh? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1200 T-Rex: HEY! HEY GOD! HEY God: WHAT T-Rex: LOOK AT ME I'M TALKING LIKE YOU T-Rex: HEY DROMICEIOMIMUS YOU'D BETTER NOT HAVE ANY SEXY FUN TIMES BECAUSE I'M GOD AND I DON'T LIKE THAT Dromiceiomimus: OKAY T-REX T-Rex: I GET JEALOUS OR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW God: T-REX WHEN HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU NOT TO HAVE SEXY FUN TIMES I AM ALL FOR THEM T-Rex: HEY UTAHRAPTOR Utahraptor: T-REX Utahraptor: WHY ARE WE TALKING LIKE THIS T-REX T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR IT IS BECAUSE WE ARE PRETENDING TO BE GOD Utahraptor: RIGHT ON I AM GOING TO BE LATE FOR WORK Utahraptor: I WAS GOING TO BE ON TIME FOR WORK BUT THEN I FORGOT HOW THIS IS A PRIORITY qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1201 T-Rex: ! T-Rex: Guys! I just had a revelation about God! For serious! T-Rex: God is all-knowing and all-seeing, right? So it follows - THROUGH LOGIC - that... that... Dromiceiomimus: Yes? T-Rex: That God has to be the biggest fanboy ever! Who knows more about every Star Trek episode than God? Who knows more about each and every comic, anime and manga series EVER CONCEIVED than God? He's like this ultimate obsessive fanboy nerd! Utahraptor: He even knows everything about VIDEO GAMES, T-Rex. T-Rex: *gasp* You're right! T-Rex: He has encyclopaedic knowledge about every RPG, MMORPG, FPS, RTS, TBS and IF game every made! Utahraptor: Hey. That was a lot of acronyms there. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: God, are you the biggest nerd? God: T-REX ARE YOU THE SASSIEST DINOSAUR T-Rex: Second-place in last month's Sassy-Assy Competition! God: SEE God: I KNEW THAT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1202 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to reminisce about the past! T-Rex: Okay! Here I go! Narrator: SEVERAL MINUTES LATER: T-Rex: DANA was totally flirting with me! T-Rex: Hah! I can't believe I didn't see it at the time. I can't believe I didn't see it until now! Dromiceiomimus: Who's Dana? What'd she do? T-Rex: I went to University with her. She said at the time that she found me handsome, and I said that it was "probably just her own ideas of attractiveness interacting with my own personality and unchangeable genetics." T-Rex: What the heck, past me? T-Rex: I guess I was young and believed no woman could ever find me attractive of her own volition! Utahraptor: Still - pretty bad! T-Rex: But what a nice realization to finally have though, right? Perhaps where were DOZENS of women flirting with me in the past, yet unnoticed! Utahraptor: Instead of looking for dates, you could scour your memories for missed romantic opportunities! T-Rex: What you suggest in jest, I will do with conviction! T-Rex (thinking): Okay... Katherine - no. Muriel - nope. Ermeswindis - yes! Yes! Wait... no. No. Man, thanks for nothing, ERMESWINDIS. T-Rex (thinking): I still think your name's rad though qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1203 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for talking about my love... T-Rex: ...my love of George Clooney, that is!! Dromiceiomimus: I didn't know you liked George Clooney! T-Rex: I love him! I think he's great. He was good in the medical comedy"E/R", the medical drama "ER", and was not the worst Batman from the original movie arc! Dromiceiomimus: Would you say that you're a... Cloonatic? T-Rex: Hah! I would say that I might have a touch of Cloonacy!! T-Rex: Did you know that he was named a "messenger of peace" by the United Nations, Utahraptor? Utahraptor: I did not! T-Rex: Yep! AND, he was given the title of "Sexiest man alive" by People Magazine TWICE. Utahraptor: Too bad you're heterosexual, huh? T-Rex: I know, right? Sometimes I worry I like George Clooney TOO much, but then I realize: there's no such thing as too much love for George Clooney!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I have Chloomydia qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1204 T-Rex: "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains - a pretty violent image there! I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it..." T-Rex: "... maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem!" Dromiceiomimus: Come on, T-Rex. That's plagiarized. That's a Jerry Seinfeld joke. T-Rex: I know, I know! But he's a funny guy, right? And I was thinking: maybe if I told his jokes, I could get inside his head and understand how he comes up with them. Act like Seinfeld in order to become Seinfeld, you know? Dromiceiomimus: I guess? Utahraptor: This still sounds like an elaborate excuse for plagiarisms! T-Rex: It's really not meant to be! T-Rex: INCIDENTALLY, Utahraptor, somebody just gave me a shower radio! Do I really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. Utahraptor: Yeah. It was funny when Seinfeld said it a decade ago! T-Rex: Come on! It's the exact same joke!! Narrator: PUBLIC SPEAKING: T-Rex:Thank you all for listening today. I'm told to always go out on a joke, so here's a classic Seinfeld gag for you: "Newman!" T-Rex: Wait, no. "Newman." T-Rex: "NEWMAN." T-Rex: Yes. There it is! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1205 Narrator: HI! HERE'S SOME THINGS THAT COULD GO WRONG TODAY! Narrator: UNCONTROLLED WILDFIRES T-Rex: I don't live near trees! Narrator: THEY'LL FIND YOU Narrator: THE AIR SURROUNDING YOU SI THERE DUE TO THE COMPLEX AND RANDOM MOTION OF GAS MOLECULES. IT'S POSSIBLE THAT EACH AND EVERY MOLECULE COULD HAPPEN TO BOUNCE AWAY FROM YOU AT THE EXACT SAME MOMENT, LEAVING YOU ASPHYXIATING TO DEATH IN A COMPLETE VACUUM. T-Rex: That's ASTRONOMICALLY unlikely! Narrator: IT COULD STILL HAPPEN Narrator: OR AN ENEMY COULD BE POISONING YOU TO DEATH, A LITTLE EACH DAY. T-Rex: Man! My enemies SUCK. Utahraptor: Oh my God, mine do too! Narrator: TINY BLACK HOLES COULD BURROW INTO YOUR BODIES, EATING YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT. T-Rex and Utahraptor: If they ened up inside our stomachs, we could eat anything we want and not get fatter!! Narrator: LISTEN Narrator: THAT'S NOT HOW THEY WORK Narrator: OR EVERY ATOM IN YOUR BODY COULD LOSE ITS COHESION AND YOU COULD EXPLODE. T-Rex: Frig! I think I missed my bus! Narrator: SEE? WHAT DID I TELL YOU Narrator: TODAY, MAN: NOTHING BUT PROBLEMS qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1206 T-Rex: BEFORE we had dictionaries, words could be spelt in a variety of different ways. Now that we have dictionaries, spellings are fixed. T-Rex: This I accept! T-Rex: It speeds up reading AND comprehension, and spelling errors give editors "easy points" when looking for something to edit. FINE. But we've lost the ability to encode the way words are spoken: the pronunciation and accents of a speaker! We can get a little of that back through capitalization and creative! punctuation! but still - it's hard in text to tell an Australian from an American, assuming they're both speaking English. T-Rex: The result of this is a proliferation of stereotypes! Utahraptor: How so? T-Rex: Well, say I'm writing a story about Australian Batman and I want to show people that Batman's Australian now. Spelling means I can't rely on his accent, so I'm forced to have him call people "mate" and grimly refer to "shrimps" placed upon "barbies". It's the only way! Utahraptor: Um - pretty sure there are others! Narrator: LATER Utahraptor: And FINALLY, you could just have the narration mention the fact that Batman's Australian, and leave it at that. You don't need to rely on pseudoracist sterotypes! Batman: T-Rex! Just put me in a Crocodile Dundee hat!! [[Batman in T-Rex thought bubble]] qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1207 T-Rex: Attention, everyone: stop misusing "literally"! T-Rex: The word still has meaning, okay? T-Rex: It is not a generic intensifier! T-Rex: If you say that you were so hungry that you literally ate a horse, I want to see evidence that some horse lover is cheezed off at you. Similarly, if you say that you literally ate your heart out, the I want to be talking to a corpse. Or someone with distributed hearts. I don't know. Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure if one guy can change the way language is used, T-Rex! T-Rex: I am going to try!! T-Rex: And I'm doing it by bringing back "figuratively". Utahraptor: "I'm figuratively bored to death"? T-Rex: Exactly! I'm figuratively sick of intensifiers. What I want are DEintensifiers: words that make it clear that while something might sound amazing, it's actually just being used in a metaphorical sense! Utahraptor: But do you really want a world where people hasten to clarify their metaphors and linguistic flourishes? Utahraptor: T-REX'S IDEAL WORLD: Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, "Figuratively, this was their finest hour." T-Rex: THAT's more like it! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1208 Narrator: HI! HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT COULD GO RIGHT TODAY! T-Rex: Yes! Unbridled optimism appears to be the order of the day! Narrator: YOUR RESPIRATION MIGHT BE UNINTERRUPTED! T-Rex: Nice! Narrator: YOUR CIRCULATORY SYSTEM MIGHT NOT SUFFER CATASTROPHIC FAILURE, LEAVING EVERY ONE OF THE CELLS INSIDE YOUR BODY TO SILENTLY DIE! T-Rex: Excellent! Go, circulatory system! T-Rex: Keep on not suffering catastrophic failures! Narrator: YOUR BRAIN MIGHT NOT STOP FUNCTIONING IN A WAY WE CANNOT DIAGNOSE. T-Rex: I love it when that doesn't happen! Utahraptor: Me too! Narrator: AND FINALLY, YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM MIGHT NOT START RUNNING IN "FULL REVERSE" T-Rex: Hah! Wow, I - I don't even know what form that would take. T-Rex and Utahraptor: But at least it hasn't happened yet!! T-Rex: Wait a minute, that brain one is ambiguous! Do you mean my brain might NOT stop functioning, or that it might CONTINUE to function in an undiagnosable way? Narrator: THE TIME FOR QUESTIONS IS OVER. NOW IS THE TIME FOR UNBRIDLED OPTIMISM T-Rex: Okay qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1209 T-Rex: Everyone knows I look forward to being an old man - that I covet the societal get out of jail free card that being old gives you! People will say, "Oh, don't mind T-Rex! He always pees on his neighbour's flowers." T-Rex: "But it's because he's OLD." T-Rex: But I think my issue is that while I can see myself now (young, vibrant, effervescent) and imagine myself when I'm old (crotchety, petulant, charmingly belligerent), I don't see any in-between stages. The day I start going around with a walker is the day I finally become an old man, and that sucks! That means I'm old as soon as my body's old, and it's way too late to fully enjoy it then. Utahraptor: Don't tell me you're planning to become prematurely old. T-Rex: It is now my stated intention!! T-Rex: And I'm going to start it by calling everyone "my boy". How's it going, my boy? Utahraptor: I'm not your boy. T-Rex: My boy, when you're my age, you get to call all sorts of things all sorts of things! Utahraptor: You're creeping me out. IT DOESN'T WORK IF YOU'RE NOT OLD. T-Rex: My boy, my boy, my boy. T-Rex: Myyy boyyyyyyyy qwantz.com/index.php?comic=121 Narrator: COMPRESSED COMICS COMICS Narrator: today's comic: UNDERSTANDING COMICS by scott mccloud T-Rex: Comics are words or images juxtaposed in deliberate sequence! Narrator: THE END Narrator: COMICS WHERE THE PUNCHLINE IS "NO THANKS, CHUCKLES" Utahraptor: Wan to help me move in to my new apartment? T-Rex: Let's see! Hours of unpaid labour, heavy lifting, getting to see all your laundry... T-Rex: No thanks, Chuckles! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1210 T-Rex: Tableau vivant, or "tableau" is a form of theatre in which the actors strike a pose and then don't move! It's like a living picture. It is, in fact, French for "living picture". T-Rex: And I am the kind of tableau, my friends! Check it out: T-Rex: ...TABLEAU! Utahraptor: Um, you're not supposed to speak during tableau, T-Rex! T-Rex: Beg pardon? Utahraptor: It's motionless AND silent. Interestingly enough, it was favored by early art photographers, as they already needed their subjects to stay motionless for minutes at a time. T-Rex: Huh. Interesting. T-Rex: Anyway. I'm still the best at tableau. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX ACTUALLY IS THE BEST AT TABLEAU: T-Rex: TABLEAU! T-Rex: {{thought bubble}} I must keep the other actors from discovering my secret to excellent tableau. T-Rex: {{thought bubble}} It's a very competitive business. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1211 Title: HELPFUL TIPS FOR ESSAY WRITING T-Rex: Students! Are you having trouble writing essays? Maybe they're a little short? T-Rex: Maybe just a little? T-Rex: Well then, here are some friggin' tips!! T-Rex: Okay, so everyone knows about making margins wide and using a big font, but teachers know that one too. They see it and they think "Come on, you can do better," and then they uncap their red pens and write "You could use some friggin' tips!" all over your cover page. Dromiceiomimus: Has that ever happened to you? T-Rex: Nope! But that's because *I* happen to use a little friggin' thing called "tips"! Utahraptor: So let's hear these tips then! T-Rex: Prepare yourself to be friggin' fipped, my friend! Ben Chuckles: CUT! Ben Chuckles: I'm sorry, but we don't think you're right for the role. We're really looking for an actor who doesn't add "friggin'" to each of his lines. T-Rex: Well then! T-Rex: It looks like YOU'VE got the wrong friggin' guy!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1212 T-Rex: Man, I don't need that acting job anyway! I can get by on my good looks and charm ANYWAY, and "essay writing tips" are easy. T-Rex: Easy! T-Rex: For example, here's a tip! Maybe you could try understanding the topic at hand and expressing your views on it in a clear yet persuasive manner? Dromiceiomimus: When I was in high school, I'd increase the font size on all my periods from 12 points to 14 points, thereby extending my paper in a way that was very difficult to detect! T-Rex: Dromieciomimus! I am shocked!! Utahraptor: Man, I just added "very" in front of my adjectives! T-Rex: What? For reals? Utahraptor: Of course! It was a great way to extend the length of my essay, AND it made my points more emphatic. "Trees are tall and pretty" became "Trees are very tall and very very pretty. Verily!" T-Rex: What, you were The Mighty Thor? Utahraptor: Only in essays, my friend! Only in essays. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hello, radio call in show? Did you know Utahraptor abused the word "very" in all his essays? Radio Host: I've told you: this isn't an advice show! It's a show about RVs. T-Rex: Okay but did you not hear the rest of my question though? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1213 Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEY ARE WRONG COMICS Narrator: WARNING: use only when somebody is DEFINITELY not correct right now T-Rex: Yes! This will be handy for me, because people is sometimes wrong! Narrator: THE "HEY DID YOU SEE THAT MOVIE" APPROACH: Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, all I'm saying is that i can be just as "manly" as I am now if I don't go "extreme baseball skydiving" with you. T-Rex: Hey, have you see the movie "Boy! Is Dromiceiomimus Ever Wrong."? T-Rex: It's, uh "#8211; T-Rex: It's pretty convincing Narrator: THAT ONE'S PRETTY FUN. YOU GET TO MAKE UP DIFFERENT MOVIE TITLES Narrator: FUN TIMES Narrator: THE DIRECT APPROACH: Utahraptor: I think maybe there are other options! Narrator: THIS ONE ISN'T SO FUNNY ACTUALLY Narrator: YOU CAN ALSO TRY USING BODY LANGUAGE: T-Rex: That sounds like a GREAT idea! Now I'll be backing away from you with my arms held up in a "don't shoot" position. 1st Off-page voice: Guys! I think he's using body language to criticize our idea!! 2nd Off-page voice: Let's mug him anyway! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1214 T-Rex: I like it when commercials license pop songs and then make up their own product centric lyrics. It's a window into an alternate corporate-controlled universe! T-Rex: An alternate corporate controlled universe where all songwriters have brain damage? T-Rex: The lyrics are always so terrible and the songs entirely arbitrary. It's like - it's like they license "Candle in the Wind" and then have some Elton John sound-alike singing "Goodbye, Norma Jeane / Did you ever / Use Duracell / They make some fine batteries / On this we all should dwell" Dromiceiomimus: Hah! You know, I'd watch that commercial. T-Rex: It's so representative! Utahraptor: Now do "Somewhere Over The Rainbow"! T-Rex: Sure! Um... how about - T-Rex: "Someone's Sara-Lee branded / cherry pie / makes me glad that I've heard that / they're now in high supply" Utahraptor: Hilarious! It makes me want to buy a Sara-Lee branded cherry pie. T-Rex: It's not that hard! You just imagine being good, and then don't do that. Narrator: THAT EVENING (SET TO THE TUNE OF "WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD"): Radio (quietly): I see leaves of green / red onions too / I see them here, for me and you / And I think to myself: / "What A Wonderful Pre-Packaged Asian-Style Salad from Loblaw's Grocery." T-Rex: Man, *I* did WAY better than that!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1215 T-Rex: Man, who hasn't written a story about a Man With A Problem for a while? Is it me? T-Rex: I'm pretty sure the answer is "YES!" T-Rex: So my new story will be about a man whose problem is he weeps all the time. He's not sad, his eyes just produce water like it's going out of style. And he tells everyone that it's just a biological thing and he's very happy to see them, but they all suspect he's sad. They say "Are you alright?" and he says "YES dammit I just got leaky eyes." Then he locks his weeping eyes with them and says "What's for dinner?" Utahraptor: It sounds like he's a pretty unsettling character! T-Rex: No man, he's nice! He just weeps all the time. T-Rex: I'm going to use it to explore PREJUDICE. What's it like to be a man of tears in a world where most men don't even like to cry at weddings? He faces a lot of preconceptions. Utahraptor: How does he deal with it? T-Rex: Sometimes, in his most private moments - the tears are real. Story Quote: The airline had a strict "no crybabies" policy, and wouldn't let him board, no matter how he protested. Prejudice. He pointed at his eyes. "See these? These are tears of PITY." But as he stormed out of the terminal, he knew that they were really tears of frustration, mixed with the standard tears he always produced. T-Rex: I don't know, self! I still kinda suspect that this sucks! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1216 T-Rex: It turns out there actually is a disease where you cry all of the time! Dacryorrhea! I made it up, but it already exists. T-Rex: This is not the first time this has happened! T-Rex: There's TONS of horrible diseases that sound like they're just made up by somebody, but actually do exist. Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva, in which connective tissue becomes bone, freezing a person in place! The Capgras delusion, in which loved ones appear to be replaced by identical imposters! And these are just the two I know about. T-Rex: And THEN, there's the diseases that are familiar because they're so common, but still messed up! Utahraptor: Such as? T-Rex: Man, Alzheimer's? I mean, I know this disease has always been an issue for me, but it's so terrible. And honestly, it sounds like something out of bad fiction. It's ridiculous on the same level as "always cries". It shouldn't happen. Utahraptor: I don't know what to tell you, man! T-Rex: God, how come we live in a world where these awful diseases exist? God: T-REX HOW COME YOU WALK AROUND THE DOWNTOWN CORE NAKED T-Rex: Man! These two questions better not have the same answer!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1217 T-Rex: Here are some more things that can go wrong with your body! Hypochondriacs: YOU ALREADY HAVE EVERY ONE OF THESE DISEASES! There is no room for doubt!! T-Rex: First disease: fatal familial insomnia! T-Rex: This is basically what it sounds like: fatal insomnia. First you have trouble sleeping, then you can't sleep at all, then you go demented and then you die. Dromiceiomimus: Isn't that an inherited disease? T-Rex: PERHAPS!! Utahraptor: But you can't catch an inherited disease. You're just egging on hypochondriacs! T-Rex: Man, they could inherit it! Utahraptor: The gene required for it has been found in, what, less than 30 families WORLDWIDE? They're more likely to be struck by lightning, or hit by a car, or, I don't know, punched by a sheep or something. T-Rex: Sheep can't punch. Utahraptor: They'll learn if you don't stop goading hypochondriacs. Narrator: Later: Sheep: Baaaaaa T-Rex: Oooh, what's this, a sheep? What are you going to do, PUNCH ME? Sheep: Baaaa maybe baaaaaa qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1218 T-Rex: A few months ago I said I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. It turns out it's a lot of work? T-Rex: But guys! I still totally want to be a stand-up comedian! T-Rex: So I've been doing RESEARCH. I've been going to Comedy Club after Komedy Klub and figuring out how their performers make jokes. It's easy to duplicate the bad comedians, but it's hard to figure out the good ones! Dromiceiomimus: How so? T-Rex: Comedy relies on surprise, I think! There's a twist that makes a joke funny, and I haven't figured out a generative algorithm yet. Utahraptor: Hey, I wanted to try stand-up, too! T-Rex: Then come with me tonight: we'll go to a show! Narrator: AFTER THE SHOW: T-Rex: Man! How do those guys do it? Every comedian up there was HILARIOUS and I don't know why. Especially the Triceratops. Utahraptor: Comedy's hard, I guess. T-Rex: I just can't figure out these...these Dinosaur Comics. God: OH GOD T-Rex: What? T-Rex: You know what? It's really weird when you say that. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1219 The Devil: GREETINGS T-REX ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE NEWEST ENTRY IN THE POPULAR YET CONTROVERSIAL "GRAND THEFT AUTO" SERIES OF VIDEO GAMES T-Rex: Yes! The Devil: GUESS WHAT The Devil: I MADE IT T-Rex: Oh no you didn't! T-Rex: We don't need people hearing that the DEVIL HIMSELF is now claiming credit for GTA IV. Oh my goodness, that's just what "video game watchdogs" want. They're just realizing it now as I'm saying this, but in their heart of hearts they want the Devil to stand up and claim credit for GTA IV. I'm not letting you do that!! The Devil: BUT I ASSURE YOU The Devil: IT REMAINS SOME OF MY FINEST WORK T-Rex: Baloney! You don't even have a console that can run it. Utahraptor: Huh? The Devil: PROBABLY I CAN BORROW ONE T-Rex: The Devil is claiming credit for GTA IV. He wants to undermine the entire gaming industry. Utahraptor: That's kinda evil, isn't it? I thought he was, you know, more Aspergers than adversary. The Devil: I GUESS I PARTICULARLY ENJOYED PROGRAMMING ALL THE MURDER SIMULATOR PARTS T-Rex: This stops here! Admit you had nothing to do with GTAIV, The Devil! The Devil: FINE T-Rex: Now admit that you had everything to do with people saying "utilize" when they could just say "use". The Devil: MMM The Devil: NEVER qwantz.com/index.php?comic=122 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to become a famous author! T-Rex: To that end, I will write a novel! T-Rex: It will be about a young man who wakes up one morning to find himself transformed into a giant insect-like creature! T-Rex: I will call my book, "The Metamorphazoid". T-Rex: The story ends when the young man, whom I shall call "Gregory", dies, scorned by his family and loved ones! Utahraptor: T-Rex! Utahraptor: I'm concerned that the plot to your novel seems a little familiar. T-Rex: Do you mean to imply that I've plagiarized it, good sir? Utahraptor: I do! T-Rex: Why, what cheek! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1220 T-Rex: I have a Problem as a reader, as a Consumer of Fictional and Non-Fictional Worlds. My problem is this: T-Rex: I really don't think dreams are important? T-Rex: I didn't think that MOST people thought that dreams were all that important, but I must be in a minority, because I keep seeing fiction that uses dreams as very significant symbolism. And the worst is when stories end on these significant Dreams, because in my mind, I'm thinking "This is ridiculous; when will we get back to the real story? This is entirely irrelevant." and then it's over and I think "Oh. Huh." Utahraptor: You really can't get past your opinion on dreams? T-Rex: I can't. Nor do I want to! T-Rex: They're random firings of sleepy brains.They're stupid stuff that my brain does to entertain itself when I'm not around to make it look at chicks or punches. Utahraptor: I mean, I agree with you, but I can still accept dreams as a narrative device. T-Rex: Never!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex's story: Hamlet II dreamed he was the lead singer of C+C Music Factory. He woke up. "C+C Music Factory?" he thought shaking his head. "How irrelevant." He then focused himself on the seriously erotic business of being Hamlet II. T-Rex: There! Sex AND politics! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1221 T-Rex: Writing fiction certainly isn't hard. Not when you have tips! God: FRIGGIN' TIPS T-Rex: Right. Not when you have friggin' tips! Narrator: WRITING TIPS COMICS T-Rex: Sometimes it can be hard to name characters. Here's a tip: name them after other, more famous characters, and add in some Roman numerals! If you want to show that a character is tough, name him Genghis II. If your character is this big lover guy who has fallen for, um, a 14-year-old, call him "Romeo IV"! Hey presto! Suddenly your characters write themselves! Utahraptor: "Genghis II punched Romeo IV on the nose." doesn't sound like good drama! T-Rex: Are you kidding? T-Rex: ATTENTION, EVERYONE! Genghis II punched Romeo IV on the nose! Passers By 1 and 2: Wow! Passer By 3: I really want to hear more!! Utahraptor: Man, passers by always take your side! It's ridiculous! Utahraptor: Listen, I'll talk to you later. Passers By 1, 2, and 3: So what happens next, mysterious stranger? We still really want to hear more! T-Rex: Um... Genghis II and Romeo IV decide... to take you all to the fair! Passer By 1: Yay! Passer By 2: Yaaaay! Passer By 3 (small text): but i've already been to the fair qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1222 T-Rex: When I die, nobody say "he's at peace now", okay? I'm so serious right now. T-Rex: Say something better, like "I can't believe he ate the whole thing!" Dromiceiomimus: What's wrong with "He's at peace"? It's nice. T-Rex: It's demeaning! It suggests that the whole point of life is to be at peace, like it's this goal that we should all achieve, and I'M kind of a screw up but at least I achieved it by dying! It's like telling the kids who came in last in a three-legged race that the REAL goal was just to finish. Utahraptor: I think it's supposed to be taken in a "his suffering is over" sort of way. T-Rex: Oh. Well. That makes more sense. T-Rex: Did you at least like my comparison of life to a three-legged race? Utahraptor: It was a little confusing! You need a partner for a three legged race, but you can easily go through life profoundly alone. T-Rex: Wow. That's - that's true. T-Rex: *sigh* Narrator: LATER: Mr. Tusks: Hullo T-Rex! Can I ask you a question? It won't take a minute. T-Rex: Oh, Mr. Tusks! Your delightful minute (as in time) and minute (as in tiny) pun has cheered me right up!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1223 T-Rex: I really don't understand racism. I get it at a "hey, here's what it is" level, but I don't understand how someone can really BE racist. Don't they feel kind of... ridiculous? T-Rex: Anyway! With this in mind, I am going to become totally racist!! T-Rex: But in order to keep my friends and Status in Society, I am going to be fake racist. I'm going to be racist against folks who - who say "y'all". Dromiceiomimus: That's still an identifiable group of society, T-Rex! T-Rex: TRUE. Plus I too say "y'all" when the situation demands it of me. Okay, I'm racist against people who... wear running shoes to the opera? Utahraptor: Wow, you hate people who appreciate culture but who can't afford expensive artifacts? T-Rex: FINE. NO I DON'T. T-Rex: Look, the whole point was to experience prejudice from the inside. I just need a safe racism! Utahraptor: You need something random. How about folks who have red hair? T-Rex: That's genetic! Utahraptor! That's the worst fake racism yet!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Okay. Everyone, pick a number between one and ten! Passerby: If I pick nine, you'd better not be racist against me! T-Rex: HEY. HEY. T-Rex: NO PROMISES qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1224 T-Rex: WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH MY ANKLE. T-Rex: HOLY CRAP. Narrator: BACKSTORY: T-REX HAS HURT HIS ANKLE! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe you should go see a doctor, T-Rex! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you have stumbled upon my shameful secret! I- I don't have a family doctor! Dromiceiomimus: Hey, it's no big deal. You can go to a clinic, or you can look up doctors in your area and make an appointment. Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: So, how's your ankle? T-Rex: Utahraptor! It's so awesome! T-Rex: I mean, my ankle still hurts, but I was looking up doctors in the area and there's so many that have awesome names. There's a Doctor Plumber! And a Doctor Dinner! A Doctor SENSIBLE. Utahraptor: Which one are you going to? T-Rex: Um, the best one of them all??? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dr. Doctor, what's the latest on my ankle? Dr. Doctor: As I said before, I believe you may have a hairline fracture. T-Rex: Dr. Doctor! T-Rex: I like your name qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1225 T-Rex: The problem with Superman, and Spider-Man, AND Batman, and pretty much every other superhero, is that their stories don't have ends. They're all stuck in the same productive age range, 20-30 years old, and it's easy to see why! T-Rex: Companies don't want their most popular characters dying of old age! T-Rex: But the result is that their stories don't have ENDS. We don't know how Batman deals with a failing body and the rigours of old age, how Spider-Man reacts when Mary Jane loses her looks. I mean, we DO, because sometimes out-of-continuity stories explore this, but they're never for real - they don't count! Bats is always 30 again in the next story. It's like David fights Goliath, but they keep fighting every few issues for 50 years, and you never see how it ends. Utahraptor: You know, there are a lot of interesting parallels here with soap operas! T-Rex: How so? Utahraptor: Soaps have long-running narratives, but characters die all the time. The difference is soaps focus on PREMISE rather than individuals, so they're not killing a cash cow when someone dies. They just bring in someone new! T-Rex: So Batman dies, and the book focuses on his butler Alfred working for Spider-Man instead! [[T-Rex's thought bubble: Alfred: Sir, I am old and conservative. You can't expect me to "loosen up" overnight. Spider-Man: Alfred, I'm young and liberal! I don't like your "rules"!! T-Rex: Gentlemen, gentlemen!! Please!]] T-Rex: YES. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1226 T-Rex: I've come up with a great way to make any otherwise-flattering compliment totally creepy. It's so easy! T-Rex: You just have to follow it up with "I like that in a woman"! T-Rex: An example! Dromiceiomimus, you've got a very pretty body! Dromiceiomimus: Um, thanks, I guess! T-Rex: Now compare and contrast: Dromiceiomimus, you've got a very pretty body! I like that in a woman. Dromiceiomimus: Oh God. Let's never talk again. Utahraptor: Hey, I bet it works on men too! T-Rex: There's one way to find out, my friend! T-Rex: Utahraptor, you're a friendly guy. I like that in a woman. T-Rex: Wait, hold on; I think I know how to fix this. Utahraptor, you're pretty gay! I like that in a man. T-Rex: Wait. Huh? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Your honour, you seem very competent! I like that in a woman. Judge: Are you trying to go to jail? T-Rex: Are you trying to be... um, everything that I like in a woman? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1227 Narrator: "HORSES VS. TRAINS" T-Rex: Ah, the age-old debate! Horses are okay. T-Rex: If you don't have any trains around, that is!! T-Rex: Horses eat grass. Trains are huge multi-ton machines that GET THINGS DONE. And then when you think trains are as great as it gets, you discover maglev trains! These are literal HOVERTRAINS that wrote in their diaries, "Screw it, diary! I'm just gonna go as fast as I can from now on!!" and then they go 581 km/h like it's no big deal. NICE. Horses eat grass, and SOMETIMES, hop over buckets. Utahraptor: I guess the old stereotype of boys liking trains is true! T-Rex: Come on, that's dumb! T-Rex: I like trains because they're big complicated machines that NOT ONLY get folks places quickly, but also, threaten maidens tied to the tracks by mustachio-twirling villains. If horses could do that I would like horses too. Utahraptor: I'm pretty sure horses CAN do that. T-Rex: WELL THEN. I GUESS I'M A FAN OF HORSES. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: EXCUSE ME LIBRARIAN DO YOU HAVE ANY BOOKS ON HORSES Librarian: Yes sir! We have books on many topics, here at your local library! T-Rex: THANK YOU PRETTY SURE ONE WILL SUFFICE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1228 T-Rex: Everyone! T-Rex: Let's pretend the Earth is going to explode at midnight tonight! Dromiceiomimus: Aw crap! The world is going to explode at midnight tonight! T-Rex: I know, right? Who are you going to hang out with? If you try to reach a single person who's far away, it means you can't visit people closer to you that maybe, cumulatively, you like more! Dromiceiomimus: Ah, it's no biggie! I'll just divide how much I like someone by their distance from me. Utahraptor: Personally, I'm just flattered you're hanging out with us! T-Rex: Yeah, I guess I am! T-Rex: Well, Utahraptor, the planet is exploding at the end of the day. Anything you wish you'd done before you die? Utahraptor: I mean, YEAH, but nothing I can see through to completion in a few hours. T-Rex: Personally, I'M going to eat a lot of junk food, since who cares about heart disease now? NOT ME! Narrator: FIFTY YEARS LATER: T-Rex: man, SCREW heart disease qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1229 T-Rex: Man, who is the dude who dropped his wallet in the toilet last night? WAS IT ME? T-Rex: DEFINITELY NOT. Dromiceiomimus: Hey, T-Rex, did you drop your wallet in my - T-Rex: You've got the wrong guy, my friend! Dromiceiomimus: Okay, it's just - there was a wallet in my toilet this morning, and you left last night in a hurry, saying you'd "Need to visit the wallet store soon" but then came back once and clarified that you were pretending you were a friend of yours when you said that. Utahraptor: Yeah, the evidence against you does look pretty bad! T-Rex: I've got my wallet right here! Utahraptor: Okay, you're posed like you're hiding your wallet from me, but I can see that your hands are empty, and there's nowhere else you could hide it. T-Rex: I - Utahraptor: Listen, if you want your wallet back, Dromiceiomimus left it inside your mailbox. Narrator: MEANWHILE, AT THE MAILBOX: T-Rex: Aw man! There's probably pee on it! Narrator: OH MY GOSH, T-REX'S TWIN BROTHER?? NO, IT'S T-REX! I MESSED UP WITH "MEANWHILE" AND SHOULD'VE SAID "MUCH LATER". Narrator: THIS IS CALLED "WRITING" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=123 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for sharing secrets! Narrator: SECRET SHARING COMICS T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus, want to know a secret? Dromiceiomimus: Sure! T-Rex:Alright, but you have to promise not to tell anyone! Dromiceiomimus: Ok! T-Rex: Ok, my secret is that I stole the Utahraptor's couch last night! Don't tell him, alright? Utahraptor: T-Rex, have you seen my couch? It's gone missing! T-Rex: Oh? Utahraptor: Yes, and there were T-Rex prints all over my shag carpet. T-Rex: Well, ah, heh- T-Rex: You see, the thing is... T-Rex: um T-Rex: Can I let you in on a secret? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1230 T-Rex: There are not enough internet acronyms. If I want to speak entirely in internet acronyms like LOL and ROFL - T-Rex: - WHICH I DO - T-Rex: - then my emotions are limited only to the crudest of feelings! I can laugh out loud or I can roll on (the) floor laughing, but what if I'm chuckling? What if I have a condescending smirk that fades into a distant smile of recognition? What if I want to communicate the nostalgia you have for an old girlfriend when you're dating someone who's way better, but you still miss her sometimes? IS THERE AN ACRONYM FOR THAT, INTERNET?? Utahraptor: "IMMOGBNR" T-Rex: Immogebeaner? Utahraptor: Yep! Stands for "I Miss My Old Girlfriend, But Not Really" Used all the time T-Rex: Huh! Is there one for, like, groups of people who draw pictures of kinky sex? Utahraptor: Sure! "We Illustrate Kinks Involving Phallocentric Europhia During Intercourse. Awesome." T-Rex: WIKIPEDIA! Oh my God! has it stood for that all along? Utahraptor: It's the Secret Mission of Wikipedia! Don't tell anyone, okay? T-Rex: Hah! Awesome! T-Rex: ...Why didn't they just say so? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1231 Narrator: AWKWARD MOMENT COMICS ] [: T-Rex: Earlier today my nose was like, "Hey, T-Rex! I'm gonna leak blood for no reason!" and I was all "...Awesome?" T-Rex: And as it turns out... it is not that awesome? T-Rex: And it seems I bled all over my pillow during the night, and then when I woke up my face AND sheets were covered in blood! Dromiceiomimus: Was that awesome, at least? T-Rex: Not really! It was disturbing until I realized what happened, and then it was still kinda disturbing, but in a "I wish I slept with someone on a regular basis because they'd be so FREAKED OUT by this" kinda way. T-Rex: But, I don't! Utahraptor: Don't what? T-Rex: Don't sleep with someone on a regular basis. Anyway, what's new with you? I'm talking about my nose that leaks blood. Utahraptor: Not much! I bought a new patio set! T-Rex: Sweet! Narrator: SUDDENLY, T-REX HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY! IT IS THE AWKWARD MOMENT PROMISED IN THE TITLE CARD. T-Rex: uh T-Rex: Can I come over and - T-Rex: ...bleed my nose on it? Narrator: NICE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1232 Narrator: WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CARTOON STEREOTYPE COMICS T-Rex: Oh man. The heart pounding out-of-the-chest "I'm in love" reaction shot! T-Rex: Second ONLY to the "I'm so angry my head is now a steamwhistle, toot toot" motif. T-Rex: If I had three wishes - and the wishes had to be about cartoon stereotypes being real, I guess - then those are the two I'd choose. The third one would be "no falling when running off cliffs unless you look down and notice you're running on air", because that, my friends, would be HANDY. T-Rex: Free bridges for the strong-willed! Utahraptor: I would have thought you'd choose the bullet hole / water one! T-Rex: Which one's that? Utahraptor: It's the one where you're shot with a machine gun, and then later you're thirsty, and then you drink water, and then the water springs out of the holes in your body. T-Rex: Hilarious!! Plus, it offers some resistance to machine gun fire. Utahraptor: Exactly! It's right up your alley. God: T-REX IN HEAVEN THE BULLET HOLE WATER THING HAPPENS TO ANYONE WHO DIED FROM BEING MACHINE GUNNED IN THE CHEST God: LISTEN God: I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON A SOLUTION qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1233 T-Rex: I'm cold-blooded! Check it and see. T-Rex: My body temperature matches the environment's to within a small degree! Dromiceiomimus: You're cold-blooded? T-Rex: I'm cold-blooded! Utahraptor: No you're not, T-Rex! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. Utahraptor: The whole idea of the cold/warm blooded binary is discredited. It turns out there's an entire spectrum of thermal management possibilities between these two misleadingly-named endpoints! In any case, you're warm blooded. T-Rex: Well! That settles that! T-Rex: Now on to my next topic of conversation! When people say "I want you inside of me," isn't that weird? T-Rex: I - I think it's weird. T-Rex: *sigh* qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1235 T-Rex: I don't want to be a police officer, and the reason is simple! T-Rex: I would end up hating everyone! T-Rex: Not only would I meet rapists and murderers KINDA OFTEN, I GUESS, but I'd also regularly see domestic violence, petty crime, people being mean to each other, chicks and dudes who punch each other in the head with knives this time, and so on. Not cool! After seeing that day in and day out, I would start to suspect that everyone sucks and has a case of the ILLEGAL CRAZIES. I'd lose my optimism and faith in the world! Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is basically the spotlight fallacy! T-Rex: You think so? Utahraptor: Yeah! By being a cop, you'd automatically see people who require the services of cops way more often than those who don't. You're blasting your data set the same way that folks who see well publicized reports about "Pedophiles! On the INTERNET!!" do when they conclude that everyone online is big into kids. T-Rex: Well, to be fair, Benny's a pedophile, and he's on the internet. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, BENNY?? Benny: I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE!! I am a LEDOPHILE, that is to say, an enthusiast of the tiny Indian village of Ledo! T-Rex: Benny, look, you gotta find a better name for that. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1236 T-Rex: You know those suicide barriers that are placed on some bridges? They're usually things like closely-spaced metal wires going up and running the length of the bridge, to prevent folks from hopping over the edge. T-Rex: They freak me right the heck out! T-Rex: They're such a crazy symbol for our society! We have them there because if we didn't, MEMBERS OF OUR COMMUNITY would kill themselves. We need physical barriers to stop this from happening. If you look at it as a benchmark for our society, it's so weird! We have to change our environment to make it difficult to off ourselves, otherwise we'd all be committing suicide? What are we doing wrong? Utahraptor: Come on, society doesn't make us all suicidal! It only makes a FEW people suicidal. T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: But even so, if suicidal folks really want to kill themselves, these barriers won't stop them. They'll just go somewhere else. Utahraptor: But they DO prevent spur of the moment suicides! T-Rex: These are symptoms! We should be working on the causes! Utahraptor: Social programs DO work on the causes!! Banner: SUICIDE IN COMICS Narrator: "WHAT IS THE DEAL" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1237 T-Rex: To convert to Islam, all you have to do is say a few words, called the "Shahadah". And then, hey presto, you're a Muslim! T-Rex: THIS KNOWLEDGE MAKES ME FEEL CRAZY. T-Rex: A new religion is just a few words away! Dromiceiomimus! I feel the same craziness I would feel if I discovered that, I don't know - I could change my GENDER by just reciting a sentence or so. Crazy with POWER! Dromiceiomimus: Well, T-Rex, the whole point is that you say these words with conviction and understanding and honestly accept their meaning. It's not like - T-Rex: I know, I know. IT'S NOT LIKE SUMMONING BEETLEJUICE. T-Rex: And yet, I still feel like I've discovered the ability to summon Beetlejuice! Utahraptor: You're really into this, eh? T-Rex: Yeah! It blows my mind that there's a phrase you have to say. There's TESTS to become Jewish, and you can be Buddhist just by saying so. But Islam is right in the middle! No tests, just a magic phrase! Utahraptor: I'm not sure you're the best person to have this knowledge, T-Rex! Also, don't call it a "magic phrase". Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Excuse me! Uh, do Muslims have to pay sales taxes here? Off-panel speaker: ...Yes? T-Rex: What about people who hear God tell them to "lose a few pounds, chubbs"? Off-panel speaker: Um, especially them? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1238 T-Rex: I've been writing a romance novel! T-Rex: Or more precisely, I've been sucking SURPRISINGLY HARD at writing a romance novel! T-Rex: It's terrible, Dromiceiomimus! All my life I was certain that explosions could spice up ANY narrative, but I've been blowing my main characters up ALL THE TIME and they're still not that interesting! Check this out: "Antonio Tony and Samantha were explosive-expert friends who decided one day to try kissing each other. It wasn't that bad! Later on, one of them decided that it was actually pretty bad." T-Rex:THE END? Utahraptor: I think your problem is you're focusing on plot! T-Rex: How do you figure? Utahraptor: Romance is about two CHARACTERS meeting and falling in love, but all you've got is narrative. We don't really know anything about your protagonists, so we don't care what happens to them. Flesh them out! T-Rex: Oh kay! T-Rex's Story: Samantha was a cowgirl, always on the lookout for a SPUR-of-the-moment marriage. Antonio Tony was a horse enthusiast. "I hope to be SADDLED with a wife soon!" he thought to himself. They waved wildly at each other across the open plains. T-Rex: Utahraptor, come quick! My story's amazing!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1239 T-Rex: In some comics when a character is confused, rather than saying anything in particular, they just say a question mark. T-Rex: I love that shit! T-Rex: I mean, I love that STUFF. I love that they have the ability to be so confused that the only response is a question mark, the essence of pure confusion. Sometimes they also speak with the essence of pure exclamation, and at others, with the essence of pure ellipsis. T-Rex: Anyway, this is a skill I've developed in real life! Utahraptor: How? I don't know how you'd even pronounce a question mark. T-Rex: Check it out, buddy! T-Rex: questionmark! Utahraptor: Hey, you know what's weak? Saying "question mark" really fast. T-Rex: Hold on, I can do this! Okay. T-Rex: $ T-Rex: Oh my God!! I'd never actually pulled it off before! That was amazing! Utahraptor: It sounded like the sound dogs make when they're just about to throw up. T-Rex: $$$$$ qwantz.com/index.php?comic=124 T-Rex: I wonder if there is an essential "feminine", one that transcends histories and cultures? T-Rex: Similarly, could I myself be the essential "masculine"? T-Rex: Why, I believe I could! What am I besides the real, true essence of "male-ness", the invariable and fixed properties which define masculine for now and forever? T-Rex: I sure am great! T-Rex: Truly, I am the epitome of the male form! Dromiceiomimus: I disagree! Dromiceiomimus: I think it's pretty clear, T-Rex, that I am the epitome of the male form. Dromiceiomimus: And you'd better call a plumber, because pipes are going to burst! T-Rex: "Pipes" means "muscles", right? T-Rex: That's slang, right? T-Rex: Slang of today's youth culture? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1240 T-Rex: Guys! My romance novel still has a terminal case of the totally sucks! T-Rex: I'm thinking, maybe I have no business writing romantical-like stories? T-Rex: I've got CHARACTERS but no spark. They're not falling in love with each other! They're staring at each other across open plains in the sunset, but when they finally meet up they shake hands cordially. THEN, after a lengthy silence, they inquire about the weather. How do people friggin' fall in love!? Utahraptor: Physical attractiveness is a good start! T-Rex: I tried that! T-Rex: I ended up with EROTICA, Utahraptor. And I felt very off sitting there, writing about two imaginary people THAT I MADE UP having sex with each other. Utahraptor: Maybe try making them celibate? T-Rex: Then there can't be sexy times at all. That's not a bad idea! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Okay, I am writing ROMANCE here. No sex! Novel Excerpt: Shortly after celibately inquiring about the weather, Samantha exclaimed, "Antonio! I am definitely 'going oral' on you right now!" T-Rex: ...Alright. I'll use that as the title. T-Rex: BUT THAT'S IT! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1241 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for assuming that there's such thing as a soul! T-Rex: Assumption: assumed! T-Rex: And given this assumption, and the assumption that people care about exploring the idea of a soul, we can easily cast ghosts and zombies as the investigation of the soul-having experience that they are. For what are ghosts, but souls without a body? And what are zombies, but bodies without a soul? T-Rex: In summary and in conclusion, ghosts and zombies allow us to explore the intricacies of soul (and body!) ownership. Utahraptor: So why are both these "explorations of the soul" found in horror stories? T-Rex: It's easy! T-Rex: As people with bodies AND assumed souls, we find the idea of divorcing one from the other terrifying; therefore, the only way we can explore the consequences of these is through the lens of horror. Tada! Utahraptor: Honestly, I think your theory is a little pat. It doesn't consider all possibilities! Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER, T-REX MEETS A ZOMBIE GHOST! T-Rex: Utahraptor, you were right!! I met a zombie ghost! He wanted to eat brains but his teeth passed right through brains!! Utahraptor: Oh yeah? T-Rex: I would describe him as "pretty frustrated" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1242 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for helping folks grappling with grief from the loss of a loved one! T-Rex: That's right! T-Rex: Leave it to me to totally solve your emotional problems! T-Rex: There are many kinds of grief, so I've focused on a particular flavour. When, say, a big meteor hits a dude square on the head and kills him, that's sad. HOWEVER, at the same time, it's also extremely amazing and awesome. It can be hard to reconcile these two, conflicting, emotions. Dromiceiomimus: So what's your solution? T-Rex: I propose a new word! Utahraptor: Have you noticed how that's your solution to every problem? T-Rex: And have you noticed how it ALWAYS WORKS? T-Rex: Today I propose a word meaning "extremely sad, but also extremely amazing". It can be hard to pull off that emotion; you don't want people thinking you're TOO into how amazing it was. But if you say, "I'm very [my new word] right now", everyone understands! Grief has become easier to navigate! T-Rex: I call my new word "sawesome"! Utahraptor: Sawesome. T-Rex: Like sad and awesome? T-Rex: Someone dropped an arrow out of a plane and it nailed my friend in the eye and it was extremely sawesome? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1243 T-Rex: Guess who has thier first nightmare EVER last night? If you guessed me, then HELLS YES that was the correct guess! Narrator: T-REX'S FIRST NIGHTMARE T-Rex: A bunch of us were hanging out in a house, some went outside, and then a nuclear bomb was dropped in the distance and we could see a mushroom cloud in the sky. I ran to the door to close it and pressed up against it as the windows in the house blew inward and radioactive dust covered us all. THEN, after it was quier and we ventured outside, I ran into my friends who surved, but we all agreed we'd had too much radiation and wouldn't make it. It was really realistic! Utahraptor: Sounds like a pretty standard nightmare, my friend! T-Rex: I know! I was stoked! T-Rex: But then these - stupid atomic zombies showed up? And they started zapping us with cheap-ass lightning bolts coming otu of thier eyes? It was super dumb, Urahraptor. It was that cheap 60s lightning where they just draw it directly on the film T-Rex and Utahraptor: Zombies don't even have lightning powers! T-Rex: The REAL nightmare was how poorly my subconscious understands zombies! Voice: Also the atomic bomb being dropped on you. T-Rex: That as well. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1244 T-Rex: Someone thinks my email address belongs to somebody else! They keep sending me pictures of their newborn baby, addressed to one "Ren? Wellek". As such, I HAVE BECOME REN? WELLEK. T-Rex: The course of my life has now been set! T-Rex: Normally when this happens, I write back the sender and let them know they've got the wrong address, but this time is different. They sent me four separate sets of baby pictures, covering the first four days of her life! I've already seen this baby grow up four days! I have a RELATIONSHIP with her now, and I've decided: I'm in for the long haul. Utahraptor: You're not going to correct them? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: I've become their silent friend Ren?, watching this baby grow up over the years. I'll see her first steps! Her first birthday! And in 18 or so years, I'll have tears in my eyes as my computer pings and her high school grad pictures download into my inbox... Utahraptor: Little creepy, T-Rex! Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Okay, here's the news: I am not your friend Ren? but I am just as good. My name is T-Rex and I am a good role model. I brush my teeth regularly and when I forget to I tell myself to try HARDER. Basically, what I am saying here is "I am a stranger on the internet who has taken a particular interest in your child" T-Rex: Perfect! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1245 T-Rex: I wonder what things would be like if I could READ MY FRIEND'S THOUGHTS?? God: T-REX YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE FRIEND T-Rex: Thanks, God! I totally noticed! God: NO, BUT MY POINT IS YOU PUNCTUATED THAT IMPROPERLY God: WHEN YOU WANT TO SHOW POSSESSION ON A PLURAL NOUN THAT ENDS WITH AN S YOU HAVE TO PUT THE APOSTROPHE AFTER THE S OTHERWISE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A SINGLE FRIEND INSTEAD OF PLENTY OF THEM T-Rex: There's no way you could know what punctuation I was using! There's NO WAY. God: I'M KINDA GOD THOUGH T-Rex: Still! Impossible! Utahraptor: What is? T-Rex: God knowing if I put the apostrophe in the wrong place in homophonic spoken language!! Utahraptor: Well, isn't that the old paradox? Can God create a sentence with grammar so bad, even HE can't correct it? T-Rex: I CREATED THE SENTENCE. IT'S FINE. T-Rex [thinks]: Secretly, I did punctuate that sentence improperly! God: I HEARD THAT T-Rex [thinks]: Forget you, man! God: I HEART THAT TOO T-Rex [thinks]: Aghglug glag ghag God: SO UH God: THAT ONE DIDN'T MAKE SENSE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1246 Narrator: COMPRESSED FILM COMICS Narrator: today's film: Narrator: WARGAMES T-Rex: I am Matthew Broderick: computer hacker! T-Rex: And I've accidentally wardialed my way into a secret military computer that I mistake for a game developer's machine. I believe I will play this mysterious game called "GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WAR" Dromiceiomimus: Let's bomb Los Angeles! T-Rex: Kay! Incidentally, I use an acoustic coupler as a modem, and that's so retro it's cool again. Dromiceiomimus: No argument here Utahraptor: I'm a US Military Agent! T-Rex: Holy smokes! Utahraptor: You're under arrest for hacking into our computer and also it's still playing your game and it controls our nukes and it's definitely going to start WW ]|[ by launching them against the Soviets. Cold War, remember? T-Rex: No worries! I will teach it the MADness of its actions through zillions of tied games of Tic-Tac-Toe! Narrator: LATER: JOSHUA: A strange game, Matthew Broderick. It seems the only winning move is not to play. T-Rex: Oh my God. I love this movie. JOSHUA: Man, me too! They should totally do a crossover with me and Skynet. JOSHUA: ERROR 22: IDEA IS TOO AWESOME qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1247 T-Rex: When I was younger, I went to the dentist a lot. MAYBE I DIDN'T BRUSH MY TEETH THAT WELL, OKAY? OR THAT OFTEN, OR AT ALL. T-Rex: Oh well? T-Rex: But I remember sitting there when I was sixteen or so, with some stranger's fingers in my mouth as he scraped away at my teeth and thinking "MAN, this is a sucky time! I wish I had something to distract me. I bet if I'd had sex, then I could think about sex, and that would be distracting. Hey! I should have sex! It'll make visits to the dentist easier." Utahraptor: So then what happened? T-Rex: Later, I had sex! Later still, I went back to the dentist. T-Rex: But it didn't work. The situation was so unerotic, and I was terrified of becoming visibly aroused! Utahraptor: Did you tell the woman you had sex with that the REAL reason for it was so that you could be entertained at the dentist's? T-Rex: No! I mean, it wasn't the reason! That was just an added bonus! T-Rex: It made it even MORE special qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1248 T-Rex: In fascism, one person is in control of an entire country, and he tells everyone else what to do! He is the guy who is micromanaging his zergs or whatever. T-Rex: Maybe this is not so bad? Dromiceiomimus: It is so bad, T-Rex! Fascism is bad news!! T-Rex: I mean, YES it is, but what if the one guy KNEW what everyone should be doing? What if he was actually the best person to be in charge of the country? Dromiceiomimus: Some people would still want to be free! T-Rex: But WHAT IF he recognized that and let those people be free? Utahraptor: You're saying if there was a guy who could produce utopia, you'd want him in charge. T-Rex: Exactly! Yes! Utahraptor: Okay, but that's not fascism. Fascism is authoritarian and includes these ideas of unity and purity and stuff like that. It's a sort of xenophobic culty nationalism? T-Rex: Oh! I don't like THOSE parts. Well, I guess I don't want to be fascist after all! {{banner: SWEET PROTEST SIGNS L@@K, SO @WESOME!!! OMG YOU GUYS! >:OGC}} {{description of merchandise: Okay you are bidding on some protest signs that I'm selling because I was gonna be fascist, but not anymore!! There's a picture of me and beneath it they say "T-REX IS IN CHARGE NOW: I GUESS WE'LL ALL JUST HAVE TO DEAL" They have many uses such as pretending I am in charge and that you are all, "no WAY is that guy in charge, what will i do, oh wait my sign says i should just deal" STARTING BID: $100 YOUR BID: $ 0}} qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1249 T-Rex: What's that, Dromiceiomimus? T-Rex: You're asking, "How much of someone's personality is determined by their body?" T-Rex: Well, Dromiceiomimus, that IS an interesting question! A few years ago I would have said "none", but now I'm not so sure! In a way, our bodies do affect who we are: if you've got a strong body, you can be a different person than someone in a weaker body. Trivially, a weak-bodied person wouldn't make a good bully! Dromiceiomimus: I asked none of these questions T-Rex: And Utahraptor, you're suggesting that not all strong people are bullies? Utahraptor: I - okay?! T-Rex: Well, Utahraptor, I'll agree with you, and clarify that it's a necessary but not a sufficient condition. Bodies affect the life experiences possible, and therefore personality! And while you're questioning my premise of "nature over nurture" I'll clarify that I'm simply saying that someone in a weak body can't be a very effective bully! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Man, NOBODY calls me anymore qwantz.com/index.php?comic=125 Narrator: T-REX IN "THE RULES" T-Rex: Today I'm going to play by my own rules! T-Rex: And luckily for me, these rules clearly stipulate that I can stomp on whatever I want! T-Rex: Playing by my own rules is fun! T-Rex: Why, I think I'll play by my own rules from now on! Utahraptor: Stop it! Utahraptor: T-Rex, you can't "play by your own rules" every day! That's nothing more than a catchy way to describe nihilism! T-Rex: Nihilism? Utahraptor: Yes! Remember? "...values are baseless and nothing can be known or communicated"? T-Rex: Oh yeah! T-Rex: And I was all, "my apocalyptic tenor has not been dispelled"? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1250 T-Rex: If I ever turn into a werewolf, I would DEFINITELY donate my still-living body to science! The reason is simple: I Care About Science. T-Rex: Guys! The advances would be incredible! T-Rex: I'd have a body that would CHANGE SHAPE in response to the light of a full moon. That's insane! If we could harness the powers of my sweet-ass hairy body, the advances would be incredible! We could lose fat and build muscle instantly! We could restore broken limbs! WE COULD HELP BALD MEN NOT BE BALD ANYMORE, IF THAT IS WHAT THEY WANTED. Plastic surgeons would be out of a job! Utahraptor: Only for like one day a month! T-Rex: Part of the research would be extending the effects 24/7! T-Rex: It would be a utopia, Utahraptor! All we need is for one werewolf to be brave enough to let science experiment on him, and then we can ALL get a little of the sweet blood fever! Utahraptor: I thought that was vampires. T-Rex: They should do it too. Narrator: LATER: Mr. Tusks: Hullo, T-Rex! I dressed up as a werewolf wearing a stethoscope to try to cheer you up! T-Rex: Oh, Mr. Tusks! I should call the police. You're so cute it's illegal! Mr. Tusks: T-Rex I am also a vice mayor qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1251 T-Rex: Recently I have discovered something that disturbs me! My savings account is now less negligible than before, and yet - I kinda want some money? T-Rex: This is not the person I thought I was! T-Rex: When I was a kid I always thought that as long as I had enough money to live without fear of poverty, I'd be fine. But now - I'm treating money like Life Points"#8482;. I want the high score, and I want the scoreboard to say "TRX" at the top, right above "USA" and "ASS". Dromiceiomimus: I think this is just a matter of figuring out a different sort of Life Points"#8482;! Utahraptor: I agree! We've got to find something else for you before you've become a cruel amalgam of the uncles Scrooge and Pennybags! T-Rex: But what? Utahraptor: How about instead of counting money, you count the number of lives you've touched in a positive way? T-Rex: Oh God. Listen, I want something more like "Number of Enemies That Said 'I Wish I Wasn't T-Rex's Enemy Anymore', Frig". In fact, that's perfect. Utahraptor: You realize that now you're living for revenge? T-Rex: Oh! People say that's bad, right? Do you, um, remember any reasons why, off the top of your head? Utahraptor: Well - T-Rex: Look, are any sayings about how it's WORSE than living for money? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1252 T-Rex: Oh my God! It's him! I'm sure of it. It's totally him! Off-screen character: Who? T-Rex: It's the guy who picks up and spins Will Smith in the credits to "The Fresh Prince of Bell-Air"! T-Rex: There's no way it's anyone else. Oh my God, Dromiceiomimus, do I go up and say "Hi"? Dromiceiomimus: ...Sure? T-Rex: But he probably gets that all the time. I don't want to come across as a fan! I should strike up a conversation and then mention all casually that I like his work, but that I'm not a "fan" or anything. But that might be insulting! I'll - I'll just admire him from a distance. T-Rex: Screw it!! I'm gonna talk to him, right now! Utahraptor: Who? Who is it? T-Rex: Utahraptor! It's the guy who spins Will Smith at the start of every Fresh Prince! Utahraptor: No way! T-Rex: Yep!! And I'm going to walk over there and talk to him right now! Utahraptor: NO WAY. Narrator: SOON. T-Rex: Utahraptor! He says spinning Will Smith every week was his favourite part of the show! He said they wanted to reuse footage but he kept volunteering to do it "fresh"! T-Rex: He goes on to say that he regrets the pun, but it's the most appropriate word? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1253 T-Rex: When people sign a prenuptial agreement, they agree, BEFORE they get married, how to divide up the assets in the event of a divorce! Narrator: PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS: WHAT'S THE DEAL T-Rex: What gets me is the whole conflict in them: the position of "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you", with the caveat of "Oh, baby, but just in case". I understand on a PRACTICAL level about how prenups are - practical, but on the level of love, I don't see how you're allowd to hedge your bets when it comes to marriage! I thought marriage was the ultimate expression of love. Utahraptor: And you see prenups as being the ultimate expression of love*. T-Rex: That's it exactly! Love with an asterisk. Utahraptor: Well, honestly, T-Rex, I think that it's INCREDIBLY presumptuous of you to say that. T-Rex: I know. I know! That's what bothers me about it! Who am I to comment on someone else's marriage? And yet, I feel compelled to comment on tons of someone else's marriages! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hey Mom! You know about the prenup you got when you and dad got married? Mom: Yes, honey? T-Rex: I, um - T-Rex: I got opinions qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1254 T-Rex: Maybe I have been too hard on prenups. In a sense, they're sort of a Love Validater, right? Narrator: PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS: WELL, MAYBE THIS IS THE DEAL T-Rex: Because if you have a prenup that says, "Wow, NOBODY'S getting rich off this marriage", then it's clear that nobody's getting married for the money. The only reason left is love! Dromiceiomimus: Or loneliness. T-Rex: Or love! The prenup is a way of announcing AND VERIFYING that you love them for Who They Are, not for what they've got in their pants! In their wallet in their pants. It was a great metaphor, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: You know, Judaism has long had the "ketubah", which is basically a prenup! T-Rex: Really! Utahraptor: Yep! It specifies divorce penalties but ALSO marital vows, and is hung up in the house. Prenups can mean a lot of different things to people! T-Rex: Huh! Maybe the best way to learn about prenups is to get one. Oh my gosh, Utahraptor!! Let's get a "friendship prenup"! Utahraptor: Hah! What? Narrator: LATER, T-REX HAS COMPLETED HIS PRENUP! WHAT'S IT SAY, T-REX? T-Rex: It says "Utahraptor! Don't steal my comics, UTAHRAPTOR." Then there's a drawing of him stealing my comics, with an x through it! T-Rex: A LAWYER drew it for me. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1255 T-Rex: Hey God! Quick question: how long can I live without water? God: FIVE DAYS T-Rex: SERIOUSLY? T-Rex: That's a bunch of BALONEY! T-Rex: I'm never more than a week away from death! Worse than that: I'm never more than a friggin' WORK week away from death! Baloney! God: UH ACTUALLY IT CAN DROP TO TWO OR THREE DAYS DEPENDING ON HEAT AND EXERTION T-Rex: TWO DAYS?! That's terrible! That's entirely terrible. Listen, life is stupid and I'm going to stockpile water. Utahraptor: But 70% of the planet's surface is water T-Rex: Yeah but the remaining 30%? THIRSTY CHUMPS. Utahraptor: Look, calm down! You've made this far without thirsting to death. T-Rex: I didn't know I had a sliding two-day death window then! People can go WEEKS without food! Months! Two days without water is ridiculous. Utahraptor: Well, I mean, you won't last two hours without oxygen. T-Rex: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1256 T-Rex: Life is too friggin' fragile! And when I say "life", I mean life in general, but really, I mean my life in particular. T-Rex: Too. Friggin'. Fragile! T-Rex: I'm a big guy, so I eat a lot - WHICH IS FINE, except that it increases the chance that I starve to death! And if I'm smaller I eat less, but I also face jerks trying to eat me! And if I'm a single cell, nobody's going out of their way to eat me, but I can die if the host I'm in dies or the stream drives up or whatever. Dromiceiomimus: Plus you give up any powers of reasoning. T-Rex: Man, that too!! T-Rex: In summary, life is too fragile and I describe that as "sucks ahoy"! Utahraptor: Maybe you should give up your ego here, T-Rex! Utahraptor: While individuals may be fragile, species can survive a very long time! Why not see individual lives as single cells in the species: A multi-cellular multi-generational organism? T-Rex: Um, because that's a metaphor that doesn't stop me from being food poisoned to death?? Narrator: LATER, IN COURT! T-Rex: Your honour, if I steal, I get a few years in jail. If I murder, I get a LIFETIME in jail. But if I forget to eat for a few days or breathe for a few minutes, I DIE FOREVER? Judge: I'm sorry? T-Rex: The punishment does not seem to fit the crime here! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1257 Narrator: T-REX HAS WRITTEN A STORY ABOUT A DOG THAT GETS SUPER POWERS! T-Rex: It's awesome! It was about a dog who didn't have super powers, and then one day, he got some super powers. Narrator: BUT THERE IS A DOWNSIDE: T-Rex: Now everyone thinks MY dog has super powers! T-Rex: I don't know at what point we all decided that authors aren't allowed to just make things up anymore, but it's totally what's happened to me! Somehow our fictions have all become real, and "write what you know" is the only creative option. Dromiceiomimus: People actually think your dog has super powers? T-Rex: Well, they think he's so great he INSPIRED the super powers. He's actually just - really angry? T-Rex: But that's the thing! Even if I write about something implausible, folks assume there's a real-life inspiration! Utahraptor: Come on, T-Rex! Utahraptor: A lot of your previous stories WERE autobiographical. "My Tiring Day"? "A Story About Me (At The End I Sit Down and Write The Book You're Now Reading)"? If I were you, I'd write my next book such that if people DID assume it was about me, it would be flattering. T-Rex: Yes! Like "The Day I Was EXTRA Nice To The Homeless"! Narrator: LATER, T-REX PUBLISHES HIS NEW BOOK! IT'S CALLED "LOLITA 2: THE PREQUEL! NOW LOLITA'S EVEN YOUNGER" T-Rex: Aw craps. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1258 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for fixing my life! I'll do it by putting out a new, less controversial book: "LOLITA III: This Time, She's 30". T-Rex: Nobody can argue with that!! T-Rex: In my story there's a new Lolita, and she's thirty, and she goes out with a man who's also thirty and from a similar economic and social background! They get married and have some okay times. Years later, all the characters die of old age! Dromiceiomimus: It seems a bit - conservative! T-Rex: I could make some changes! But did you notice how everyone was clearly of the age of majority though? Narrator: THE BOOK IS PUBLISHED: Utahraptor: T-Rex, your new book is basically terrible! T-Rex: *gasp* Utahraptor: I'm serious! The "new Lolita" has nothing to do with the old one, and nothing interesting happens except when "LoHEta" shows up, explains that he's the new manly male Lolita, and then leaves the narrative entirely. T-Rex: He shows up again in the epilogue! Utahraptor! You didn't even finish my book! T-Rex: At the end, Loheta addresses the reader directly and explains that if you replace "she" with "he" and "hers" with "definitely his" in the ORIGINAL Lolita, you can read all about his adventures! T-Rex: It's called "setting up a spinoff"; look it up? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1259 T-Rex: You know what I'm tired of feeling? God: EMOTIONS T-Rex: Pain! T-Rex: (Emotions too.) T-Rex: But seriously, guys! Why do we need pain? T-Rex: It hurts! T-Rex: And you can't turn it off. It's like a phone that won't stop ringing whenever I'm hurt, and when I answer it, it's always friggin' Pain calling and he won't get off the line. I say "Yeah, I get it Pain, I stubbed my toe." and he says "Yeah, it still hurts like a bitch. Can I say bitch? It really hurts, T-Rex", and I say "Look, Pain. I know." and he stays on the line and I say "Pain, you've gotta find other people to call. You've got to get other hobbies." T-Rex: I'd prefer looking down and seeing that my toe is stubbed to, um, EXCRUCIATING PAIN. Utahraptor: So you want leprosy. T-Rex: Uh NO, I didn't say I want my LIMBS to fall off. Utahraptor: Leprosy doesn't make your limbs fall off!! You lose SENSATION in your body, so you can do things like accidentally crush your fingers and not notice. Hey, how's the centuries-old prejudice over there? Pretty uninformed? Pretty BIASED? T-Rex: Utahraptor! You were totally a jerk to me just now! And if you're hoping I'm going to shout after you that "Now I wish my HEART couldn't feel pain", I'm not! T-Rex: I'm just thinking it, okay?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=126 T-Rex: I'm really looking forward to the little soiree I've got lined up for tonight... T-Rex: Party at my house!! Narrator: LATER... T-Rex: Hey, are you still in for tonight? Dromiceiomimus: I'm sorry T-Rex, but something came up. But say "hi" to everyone for me! T-Rex: Oh, that's too bad. Well, some other time! Utahraptor: I'm totally pumped for the party tonight, T-Rex! T-Rex: Great! T-Rex: The only downside is that the Dromiceiomimus won't be able to come. Utahraptor: But she was the only woman you invited, wasn't shee? T-Rex: SHIT! She was! T-Rex: Why do all my parties always turn into one big Oktoberfest? Utahraptor: "Oktoberfest"? T-Rex: Beer and sausages! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1260 T-Rex (thinking): Hey, it's Utahraptor! Wait - IS that Utahraptor...? Oh my God! It's... IT'S.... [[second panel is blank]] T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you won't believe who I just met! Dromiceiomimus: Who? T-Rex: FUTURE UTAHRAPTOR! I'm serious, I saw him! He looked like Utahraptor, but he was aged thirty years, and it was the Most Amazing Thing. It couldn't have been anyone else! It was CLEARLY thirty years older Utahraptor. Utahraptor: So what happened then? T-Rex: Well, I was staring! T-Rex: And you noticed it, obviously, but then you turned to me, made eye contact, and nodded with an almost undetectable Mona Lisa smile, just once. It was this amazing nod that said, "Don't worry, T-Rex. Things will be alright. Everything's gonna work out fine." Utahraptor: Hah! Future me's awesome. Narrator: MEANWHILE, FORTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE! T-Rex: Dear audio diary! T-Rex: i miss my friend utahraptor qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1261 Narrator: EARLY ONE MORNING: Radio: Police report a rash of interior vandalism: members of the public are waking up to find their interior walls defaced! T-Rex: What's that, radio? T-Rex: Street artists have moved indoors? T-Rex: But I have an indoors!! Narrator: SECONDS LATER: T-Rex: Aw man! T-Rex: Actually... it's a pretty good likeness? Narrator: THAT AFTERNOON: Utahraptor: T-Rex!! Did you draw yourself in my kitchen giving a thumbs up? T-Rex: It wasn't me! T-Rex: In fact, someone drew Dromiceiomimus and a house and a car in MY kitchen! Utahraptor: Hey- If that's the case, maybe Dromiceiomimus got an illustration of me? T-Rex: Let's pay her a visit and find out! Narrator: DROMICEIOMIMUS'S HOUSE: T-Rex: I've got boner fever!! Utahraptor: What? What and outrageous illustration!! Utahraptor: That fever has long since PASSED qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1262 T-Rex: Performative utterances are things that you can say, and hey presto, you've changed your life and the world around you! You've changed your life with WORDS. Like the Shahadah, this is insane! This is totally insane. T-Rex: Let's do it!! T-Rex: There's simple ones like "I promise to clean your room" (your future is now altered), but there's bigger ones like "I now pronounce you husband and wife": you weren't married before, and now, oh my God you guys, you're totally married! And then there's "I hereby christen this ship 'HMS Sinkytowne'" and "I sentence you to death by misadventure". Dromiceiomimus: Saying "We declare war" is the same, isn't it? T-Rex: Sure is!! Utahraptor: Yeah, but you're only legally married when you sign the paperwork! T-Rex: Well - Utahraptor: And it's the same with christenings and sentences AND declarations of war: they all require paperwork! I'D argue that the performative utterance is just part of the ceremony, and that the real change is made when you sign on the dotted line. T-Rex: Well, I mean... that's just our society? God: T-REX YOU WOULD HAVE EASILY WON THIS ARGUMENT IF YOU'D MADE IT BEFORE THE INVENTION OF PAPER T-Rex: Ah well. I'm still glad we invented paper! God: ME TOO God: OTHERWISE WHAT WOULD THE HMS SINKYTOWNE BE MADE OUT OF qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1263 T-Rex: Utahraptor was so wrong about performative utterances yesterday! God: HOW WRONG WAS HE T-Rex: So! He was so wrong. T-Rex: And I only realized it after he left! T-Rex: A leader declares war on television, then that's war, regardless of whether he's signed the paperwork yet. He's changed the world just by talking! With sentencing it's the same: the judge tells you your sentence and that's it, and the paperwork is just that - paperwork! RECORDKEEPING. And the same for marriages! The license is just to let the GOVERNMENT know what's already happened. I was right! I was totally right!! Utahraptor: T-Rex, remember yesterday? You were totally right! Fully and completely. T-Rex: Aw no! Seriously? T-Rex: You're seriously going to rob me of my Comeuppance Satisfaction by admitting you were wrong before I get to point it out to you? You're going to be That Guy? Utahraptor: Which guy? T-Rex: The guy who does what you're doing! Argh! You ARE being that Guy! Utahraptor: Look, sorry for admitting I was wrong, I guess? T-Rex: That's another performative!! You're tacitly endorsing their existence! I'M SECONDS AWAY FROM MY HEAD FADING INTO A CARTOON STEAM WHISTLE AND GOING "TOOT TOOT." T-Rex: I'M ANGRY BUT I THINK IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1264 T-Rex: In the 15th and 16th centuries, spoken English changed dramatically, with vowels changing pronunciation and moving upwards in the mouth. Before it, we all sounded like ye olde-fashioned chumps. Afterwards, we all sounded hip and modern! T-Rex: It was a century of kids outcooling their parents! T-Rex: Before, "boots" was pronounced "boats", and "feet" like "fate". PRETTY OLD FASHIONED, dudes! But what's amazing is that the printing press was invented just before this started, and it was at this point that the spellings of words really got fixed. That's why English has so many oddly-spelt words! They show the pronunciation of words as they were, just before we underwent the Great Vowel Shift and decided to, you know, say everything differently. Utahraptor: And nobody knows why it happened! T-Rex: I know! It's so amazing! T-Rex: Linguists are like, "Maybe immigration from the Black Death caused regional accents to be absorbed?" and then another says, "Maybe the English wanted to distinguish their language from the hated French?" and then they both shrug at each other! Utahraptor: I don't think"#8212; T-Rex: I saw it!! Narrator: 15TH CENTURY ENGLAND T-Rex: Hey peasants! Tell all your friends to pronounce "boner" like "bone-air", okay? It'll make the future HILARIOUS. Peasants: No way! However, maybe we WILL tell them to diphthongize their highest long vowels. T-Rex: Guys! So not as cool!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1265 T-Rex: I have a new life goal: to become a hairdresser! T-Rex: Scratch that: to become the BEST HAIRDRESSER EVER! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, um, you and I don't really have -- T-Rex: Before you go any further, let me clarify that I'll be a hairdresser for MAMMALS. These guys have ALL SORTS of hair coming out of ALL SORTS of places. I'll trim it and they'll say "Wow, this hair cut has made me a WAY better looking mammal! Thanks for trimming the hair off my head, sweat glands and mammaries!" Utahraptor: I don't understand why you keep lusting after these doomed careers, my friend! T-Rex:Explain! Utahraptor: You have no hair and want to be a hairdresser. You have stubby arms and want to be a boxer. Why not get a job that plays to your strengths? T-Rex: Utahraptor! I have nothing BUT strengths! Utahraptor: Okay, fine, enjoy your hair-dressing. You just stepped on one of your customers. T-Rex: Dear Diary! T-Rex: My new job is getting... a little hairy. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1266 T-Rex: The Temple of Artemis was one of the Seven Wonders of the World. It was this really big temple, you guys! But it was burned down. Arson! T-Rex: Arsonist's name was Herostratus! T-Rex: And the ancient Greeks would be TOTALLY PISSED that I just said that! They were so angry at Herostratus - who freely admitted that he burned down A WONDER OF THE WORLD just because he wanted his name to be remembered - that they not only executed him, but they erased him from history, forbidding anyone from mentioning his name! Under penalty of death! T-Rex: Pretty friggin' intense!! Utahraptor: But it didn't work! T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: It turns out you can't make a law saying "dudes nobody say this guy's name anymore okay" without saying his name SOMEWHERE? But, I mean, I understand why they were upset. Kind of a dick move, Herostratus. I want to go down in history, but not for being the world's Suckiest Greek. Utahraptor: I hear that! Narrator: LATER, T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR GO DOWN IN HISTORY FOR BEING THE WORLD'S SUCKIEST GREEKS: Utahraptor: Damn it, T-Rex! All the irony surrounding YOUR friggin' life is now rubbing off on me! T-Rex: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1267 T-Rex: Okay, so Herostratus burned down the Temple of Artemis. But what happened to the other wonders of the World? My friends, I ask a bold question: indeed, the boldest. I ask the question shied away from by the greatest minds of our age: T-Rex: Isn't it true that they were ALL destroyed by Herostratus? Narrator: T-REX THE MAUSOLEUM AND HANGING GARDENS AND COLOSSUS AND LIGHTHOUSE WERE ALL DESTROYED BY EARTHQUAKES LEAVING THE STATUE OF ZEUS TO BURN DOWN AND THE GREAT PYRAMID OF GIZA TO UM CONTINUE TO HANG AROUND T-Rex: Earthquakes, huh? Huh. I guess Herostratus wasn't actually a time-travelling, mustachio-twirling, World Wonder destroying villain. Ah well! That's why pencils have erasers, right? Utahraptor: But T-Rex, what would you call earthquakes? T-Rex: Natural disasters? T-Rex: Insurance motivators? Uh, building complicaters? Domino frustraters? Wobbley Times U.S.A.? Um. . . Shakey Shakes Central? Utahraptor: Couldn't you also call them. . . "ACTS OF GOD"? T-Rex: Oh my God! God is like Herostratus times -- um, five! God: MAN I'M BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING BUT i NEVER GET THE CREDIT FOR HOW PEOPLE'S HEADS EXPLODE WHEN SEEING SOMETHING REALLY SURPRISING T-Rex: Maybe because that never happens! God: LISTEN God: YOU GUYS NEED TO FIGURE OUT SOME MORE SURPRISING STUFF BECAUSE IT'S GONNA BE GREAT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1268 T-Rex: Computers have gotten way better in recent years. A new computer can beat a moldy old one from twenty years ago! T-Rex: FACT. T-Rex: Wouldn't it be great if rhetoric had evolved in the same way? I could have this hyper-evolved speaking that could convince anyone to do whatever I say, as long as they didn't have similar rhetorical powers to match! Anyone not inured to my amazing powers of speechifying would be putty in my hands. "Oh, T-Rex, I'm not sure I should do this" they'd say, and then I'd say "Oh maybe you should though" and they'd be all, "Awesome." Utahraptor: It would be a disaster for society! T-Rex: Rude, my friend! Utahraptor: I meant if there was such an advance. Early language learners would acquire languages the best, so it would be a generation of toddlers convincing their parents that letting them poop their pants is sweet. If you don't see what's bad for society in that, well - enjoy pooping your pants! T-Rex (thinking): The word 'poop' is cool: it's transitive, but only for 'pants'. You can pee your pants too though. Maybe it's the noun 'pants'? Further research certainly seems warranted. T-Rex: Maybe I will, Utahraptor! MAYBE I'LL ENJOY POOPING MY PANTS EACH AND EVERY DAY!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1269 T-Rex: I've noticed that some songs are quite good at evoking memories and moods. If I listen to a song I haven't listened to since high school, suddenly I am back in high school again! T-Rex: METAPHORICALLY. T-Rex: So hey, time for an experiment where I am the subject! From now on I'm going to listen to a new song repeatedly over each 3-month period. It'll become indelibly associated with who I am then, and this way when I want to remember what I felt like from July to September inclusive fifteen years ago, I can just listen to the same song again. It'll all come flooding back! Utahraptor: That's - well, that's not a bad idea! T-Rex: I know, right? T-Rex: If it works, I can go further, also consigning smells and foods to certain periods in my life! I'll be an old man, looking up "first marriage" in my database, and then reaching for a record player and my first bite of Wensleydale in years. Utahraptor: I'm getting in on this action too! Narrator: BUT THEN, DISASTER! T-Rex: Aw frig! Someone has mashed up Jay-Z's "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" and the 1-1 theme from Mario 3! Suddenly my current crush and the death of my first dog have become irrevocably mixed!! T-Rex: I feel very oddly about dead dogs right now qwantz.com/index.php?comic=127 T-Rex: I am tired of things not getting done my way. T-Rex: Therefore, I am going into politics! T-Rex: As a politician, I will have power and influence! Things will get done, and they will get done my way! Finally, I will be the person making all the important decisions! Utahraptor: T-Rex, we live in a democracy of dinosaurs! You'll have to get elected if you wish to have power! T-Rex: I see! T-Rex: Will you vote for me? Utahraptor: Well, um, what's your platform? What issues are you concerned about? Utahraptor: My mom works at the library, and there have been cutbacks lately, so that's a concern for us. T-Rex: Your mom's a librarian?! T-Rex: That's AWESOME! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1270 T-Rex: You know what I don't like? God: WHAT DON'T YOU LIKE T-Rex: Star Trek! T-Rex: Only one part of it though!! T-Rex: I don't like when they encounter something amazing in Engineering or wherever and call up to the bridge and say "Captain, you'd better get down here." Explain what it is! THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE DO. I don't call up my friends and say, "Utahraptor, you'd better get down here." and he ways "Why?" and I say "Oh Utahraptor, if only we had descriptive language; if only I could describe something using my words. But you know as well as I that I can only point and say, lookit." Utahraptor: So don't watch those parts of Star Trek! T-Rex: I try, but it's everwhere! Even not on Star Trek! T-Rex: The news always says, "Up next: what's in your bathroom that may be trying to kill you!" and then go to commercials. This is psychopathic. I'm the Captain and they don't even want me in Engineering! They want me on the couch for the next three minutes of ads. Utahraptor: That IS one way of looking at it! Narrator: LATER: TV: Tonight at 11: what you're eating that could be taking TWENTY YEARS off your life!! T-Rex: I'M THE CAPTAIN qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1271 T-Rex: In conversations, speakers generally try to make helpful contributions, and listeners generally assume that this is the case! This is called the "cooperative principle", and philosopher Paul Grice proposed it! He's dead now. T-Rex: It's useful because it allows inferred meanings! T-Rex: We can be at a party and someone can say "Where's Utahraptor?" and I can say "He's sick" and they understand that he's not here BECAUSE he's sick. Inferred meaning! If they don't assume I'm cooperating then I'm just offering non-relevant information, on the same level as if I answered "Utahraptor's got shufflepants." and then clarified "They're pants that shuffle when he walks." Utahraptor: But maybe I'm not at the party BECAUSE of my shufflepants! T-Rex: See? T-Rex: The cooperative principle is so ingrained that even when I say non sequiturs, you're looking for a way to read it under the assumption I'm cooperating. Utahraptor: So I should assume that you're a disingenuous and unhelpful jerk. T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: In this example, I mean. In real life I am a charmer, of course!! Hah! I am loveable and trustworthy and good at conversations! T-Rex: ... T-Rex: I've had FIVE girlfriends, Utahraptor. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1272 T-Rex: So Paul Grice went on to clarify his cooperative principle, identifying four maxims describing how people generally communicate. He called these "GRICEAN Maxims". T-Rex: Nice one, Paul Grice! T-Rex: He's dead now. These maxims are pretty useful though! There's the Maxim of Quality (don't lie), the maxim of quantity (only say enough to make your point, no more or less), the Maxim of Relation (be relevant) and the Maxim of Manner (be clear, brief, and unambiguous). These are four different different ways we cooperate with each other when communicating! Utahraptor: And if I were to say "I kissed him with my lips on the lips", that would be breaking Quantity! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: And arguably Manner. But by breaking them, I look for a HIDDEN meaning indicated by the flouting of the maxim! "What is so important about your and his lips?" I might ask myself. Utahraptor: They're like little pillows. T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex: ... What? Narrator: YEARS LATER, UTAHRAPTOR ONCE AGAIN REFERS TO HIS LIPS AS "LITTLE PILLOWS": T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex: ...Still? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1273 T-Rex: Okay, time to invent a new superhero! Then I'll make a movie about him, and THEN, I'll be famous! Then I'll also have a lot of disposable income? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Inventing superheroes: too friggin' hard! T-Rex: Every good superhero power is taken. He's invulnerable - oh, there's Superman. Okay, he CAN be hurt, but he recovers: oh, hey Wolverine! Okay, he CAN be hurt, and then, he dies. Oh, Batman's at this party too? Hey Batman. Dromiceiomimus: Maybe you should focus more on themes instead of powers, T-Rex! T-Rex: I tried that, but every theme is taken too! Utahraptor: Impossible! T-Rex: Speed theme: check. Spider theme: check! Iron Man theme: TOTALLY CHECKED. There's nothing left! Utahraptor: I think theme is more "what your story says" than "what your character is able to do". See the difference? T-Rex: I do but listen I really think powers are more interesting. Narrator: SOON, INSPIRATION STRIKES! T-Rex: He's a Transformer, but he's also biologically human! So he has to deal with THEMES associated with either being a man, or being a soft, warm, fleshy and hairy semi truck filled with blood intestines and lungs. T-Rex: TRILOGY PLZ qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1274 Narrator: THE COSO ARTEFACT T-Rex: ...is totally amazing, you guys! Totally amazing. T-Rex: It's a SPARK PLUG that was discovered encased in solid rock! T-Rex: So awesome. A spark plug found inside a geode, surrounded by material that would have taken 500,000 years to collect! Is this truly CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE that we will one day visit the distant past, and drop spark plugs in sediment while we're at it? I would argue "Definitely, dudes!" I would argue that there can be no other explanation and I would argue that it's gonna be great. Utahraptor: The "Coso Artefact" wasn't found in a geode, T-Rex! T-Rex: It wasn't? Utahraptor: It was found in a concretion, and I'm sorry to tell you that those can develop in only a few years! There are marshes in England with WWII-era bombs encased in concretions as well. It's cool, but it's not proof of time travellers! T-Rex: Man. Logical explanations keep letting me down!! God: T-REX HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT UTAHRAPTOR ISN'T THE TIME TRAVELLER WHO LOST THE SPARK PLUG IN THE DISTANT PAST IN THE FIRST PLACE God: MAYBE HE'LL SAY ANYTHING TO COVER IT UP T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: Conspiracies! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1275 T-Rex: If I were impatient, I'd be a jerkier person. I'd always be hurrying people up, and people would not want to hang around me in grocery store lines. T-Rex: Furthermore, if I didn't have my sense of humour, chicks would like me less! T-Rex: Clearly, my personality is Important! It's why my friends like me. But strokes can change people's personality, and anyone can have one at BASICALLY any time! It's totally ridiculous. My body already has like five ways it can betray me for no reason that I can name off the top of my head, and those ways are called Alzheimer's, Old Age, Respiratory Failure, Heart Attacks, Terminal Boner Fever, and Dementia. IT DOES NOT NEED ANOTHER. Utahraptor: "Oooh, look at me, I'm T-Rex and I've found another way to be terrified of the future!" T-Rex: I'm not! T-Rex: I'm terrified of DYING. Totally different. Utahraptor: Most everyone else gets through life without being terrified of death, T-Rex, and some even look death in the face every day! You should talk to stunt drivers, or like, bear aggravators. You could learn from them! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Excuse me, stunt driver? Are YOU afraid of death? Stunt driver: The only thing I'm afraid of is NOT parachuting out of a hot air balloon, landing on a motorcycle, and jumping over 16 buses end-to-end!! EXTREME!! T-Rex: So... yes? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1276 T-Rex: Two months ago I noticed I had a small case of the chubbs! So I decided to lose some weight, and THEN, I lost the weight. I just ate fewer foods? T-Rex: Guys, this is terrible! T-Rex: Nobody who's trying to lose weight wants to hear from the guy who shed pounds like they were a Hallowe'en costume... in July, or something. That is to say, "quickly"? T-Rex: The point is that dieting is about commiserating, and I'm the guy who shows up to the party saying "guys, it's not hard" and that my secret to weight-loss success is "um, eating less." Utahraptor: Maybe you can present it in a more positive way? T-Rex: How? Utahraptor: Well, instead of saying "I just ate less", why not say "while portion control remains the most important part of weight loss, healthier choices and an active lifestyle all contribute towards positive changes in our lives"? T-Rex: Utahraptor, I'm your friend and even I hate you a little just from that sentence. Narrator: LATER: Off Panel Voice: Hey, T-Rex, looking good! Have you lost weight? T-Rex: Yeah! It took a whole lot of diet plans, and... and breakfast shakes? Off Panel Voice: NICE. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1277 Narrator: GREGOR MACGREGOR COMICS T-Rex: That name is totally made up. It was made up by a Scottish Enthusiast. T-Rex: I'm just sayin'. T-Rex: Anyway, Gregor MacGregor was this explorer guy in the 1800s! T-Rex: In 1820 he sailed from the Mosquito Coast of Central America to England, with the news that one of the native kings there had given him 30,000 km2 of land! The land was incredibly fertile, the natives helpful, and he'd already established an army, banks, civil service AND democracy there. You couldn't walk without tripping on the gold nuggets that littered the ground, and MacGregor was selling land grants at a very reasonable rate!! Utahraptor: You're describing the FICTIONAL nation of Poyais, T-Rex! That was a huge scam! T-Rex: It - what? Utahraptor: When the colony boats arrived, instead of opera houses they found untamed jungle, tropical disease and venomous snakes. One settler even committed suicide after trading his life savings for passage. By the time a rescue boat was sent and returned to London, 180 of the 240 emigrants had DIED. God: SEE T-REX THIS IS WHY I KEEP SAYING YOU SHOULD FINISH YOUR BOOKS BEFORE TELLING YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THEM T-Rex: It wasn't a book!! T-Rex: It was a WIKIPEDIA PAGE that got BORING half-way through. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1278 Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH T-REX HAS DEVELOPED SUPER HEALING POWERS, WHICH ALLOW HIM TO RECOVER FROM ANY INJURY ALMOST INSTANTLY T-Rex: I wonder if today is a lovely day to go on a walk! T-Rex: Hey! It IS a lovely day to go on a walk! Narrator: ANYWAY T-REX NEVER INJURED HIMSELF THAT DAY AND THE POWERS WORE OFF SOON AFTER Narrator: THE END Narrator: T-REX'S GREATEST FEAR COMICS T-Rex: My greatest fear is having superpowers and not realizing it! Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: Oh my God, I'm TERRIFIED of missing out. I might have elevated strength, but I never try to lift a skyscraper over my head, you know? How would I discover which muscles to flex to make lasers shoot out of my hands? Utahraptor: Hah! T-Rex: Yep! I'm serious! It is The Worst Life. T-Rex: I don't know I have powers, and over and over again I stand by as everyone close to me gets injured OR WORSE in accidents I could have easily prevented, if only I knew! T-Rex: Utahraptor! When I die I get an award for "Most Opportunities Missed" and nobody claps!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1279 T-Rex: ...ummary and in conclusion, that's how "in medias res" works! THE END. Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUES COMICS Narrator: today's technique: IN MEDIAS RES T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex. T-Rex: Utahraptor. Utahraptor: T-Rex! That's not "in medias res"!! Utahraptor: In medias res is when you join a story mid-way through, not just before the end! It's Lation for "in the Middle of things"? What you're doing is a different literary technique, known only as "Bad Storytelling". T-Rex: Oh yeah? Well I've got a literary technique for YOU, my friend! It's called TELLING OFF UTAHRAPTOR!! Narrator: MEANWHILE IN TUDOR ENGLAND T-Rex: Shakespeare, add a dinosaur character to Hamlet called "Utahraptor" and have Hamlet tell him off, okay? Shakespeare: dinosaurs haven't been discovered yet T-Rex: What's that? Shakespeare: DINOSAURS HAVEN'T BEEN DISCOVERED YET T-Rex: Shakespeare! Take the credit!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=128 Narrator: T-REX IN "THE SEARCH FOR GOD" T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to find God! T-Rex: Are you in this house, God? I am looking for you! Come out come out whereever you are! Ready or not, here I come! Utahraptor: When people say they are looking for God, they do not mean it literally! T-Rex: How do you mean? Utahraptor: What that means is that they are on a spiritual search, trying to find God-the-idea, not God-the-person-hiding-behind-the-couch. T-Rex: Oh, I see what you're saying. I guess that makes sense. Narrator: BACK AT HOME... T-Rex: I can't believe you were hiding behind the couch the entire time! God: I WAS GOING TO SURPRISE YOU qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1280 Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO END A RELATIONSHIP Narrator: a comic for dudes and ladies who need to end relationships Narrator: but who are TOTALLY STUMPED Narrator: METHOD 1: SAYING "IT'S OVER" T-Rex: It's OVER! Narrator: YEAH, LIKE THAT! Narrator: METHOD 2: SAYING "I'VE MET SOMEONE NEW" T-Rex: I've met someone new! Dromiceiomimus: Are they awesome? Maybe we could be friends! T-Rex: I hadn't expected the conversation to go this way, but... maybe? Narrator: METHOD 3: FAKING FOREIGN ACCENTS T-Rex: Vass ess das! Utahraptor: That's supposed to be - German? Narrator: HOW ABOUT SMS? YOU COULD ALWAYS BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE OVER SMS. T-Rex: Ridiculous. What are you going to say? "WE NEED TO BREAK UP ;)"? Utahraptor: "WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES! ;)" T-Rex: "SORRY IT DIDN'T WORK OUT :O" Utahraptor: "R U COOL?? THIS CONVERSATION IS REALLY EXPENSIVE" Narrator: OKAY FINE T-REX, HOW ABOUT MATURELY DEALING WITH YOUR INTERPERSONAL PROBLEMS? THAT IS HILARIOUS RIGHT T-Rex: That is kinda hilarious if it's like this big weiner guy doing that! Narrator: SUPER qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1281 Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO MEET NEW PEOPLE TO DATE Narrator: a comic for dudes and ladies who are newly single and who are like, man, SCREW THIS Narrator: METHOD 1: TAKE UP SPORTS! T-Rex: You can meet people at sports! Narrator: I GUESS Narrator: METHOD 2: ASK YOUR FRIENDS IF THEY HAVE ANY SEXY FRIENDS THEY COULD INTRODUCE YOU TO! T-Rex: Beyond me, that is! Narrator: YES. YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY SAY "DO YOU HAVE ANY SEXY FRIENDS, BEYOND ME, THAT IS" AND THEN DATE WHOEVER THEY COME UP WITH Narrator: METHOD 3: DATE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S SIBLINGS! Utahraptor: Don't date my siblings, T-Rex! T-Rex: FINE Narrator: METHOD 4: GOING UP TO STRANGERS AND SAYING "EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU ARE INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE!" T-Rex: That's kinda sketch. It can go either way but I think it veers wildly towards Sketchtowne. Narrator: WHAT IF YOU THRUST YOUR HIPS AFTERWARDS Utahraptor: That - doesn't help? Narrator: METHOD 5: RANDOM SELECTION FROM THE PHONE BOOK! T-Rex: Excuse me, are you "Jennifer Klug"? Jennifer Klug: Yes? Are you on speakerphone? T-Rex: Jennifer - Yes. Do you want a boyfriend who's only a little desperate? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1282 T-Rex: As a gentleman who is not afraid to say what we're all thinking, I'm going to say what we're all thinking. T-Rex: Guys! We totally need a new analogy for sex! T-Rex: The one we have now is BROKEN. Sex as hunger? Okay, it works with "sexual appetite" and it works in that you want sex, and then you have sex, and then you're like, man, that's all the sex *I* can handle, and then in a little while you start to get the munchies for sex again. But that's it! Utahraptor: Sounds like a good analogy to me! T-Rex: But it's totally not! T-Rex: I can die if I don't get any food, but if I don't get any sex, then I just - keep on keepin' on? Also if I'm hungry, I can't lock myself in a room and satisfy my hunger with my own food that's BASICALLY almost as good as the genuine item. Utahraptor: Food that you produce yourself? Utahraptor: Food that the Catholic church really doesn't want you eat? T-Rex: Hah hah, ewwwww! Gross!! T-Rex: Seriously though, there are problems with the analogy. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1283 T-Rex: I have begun to receive insulting spam messages: really vitriolic ones! T-Rex: Ant there's not even a product to buy! T-Rex: It's like - it's this one spammer who got SO PISSED that nobody was enlarging their penis anymore that he just went off the deep end. And now he's insulting thousands of people per second in the most hateful vile and terrible screeds I've ever read. So awful! Utahraptor: But how do you know it's spam? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Well, has anyone else gotten messages like this? Maybe the guy really just dislikes you! T-Rex: I - I assumed it was spam because of all the spelling mistakes and because the guy's name was "Boorishly P. Foundry"! But - hmm... Narrator: TEN POINT EIGHT YEARS AGO: T-Rex: Hey Boorishly! Your name sounds made up!: Boorishly: Huh! That didn't get me so mad initially, but I think it's making me madder at the rate of 1/1000th of a rage unit per day! T-Rex: Hey Boorishly! WHATEVER qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1284 T-Rex: Guess who had a bike accident yesterday morning! If you guessed "Shit! T-Rex?" you are correct!! T-Rex: Also, you shouldn't swear! T-Rex: But it was me. I was biking and a dog darted in front of me and I guess it turns out I'm not a guy who will run over a dog! I'll run over a squirrel no problem but I swerve and slam on my brakes and go over the handlebars of my bike to avoid hitting a dog. Dromiceiomimus: T-REx, I've always wondered: how do you ride a bike with your tine ar- T-Rex: I get them custom made, DROMICEIOMIMUS. Utahraptor: So you swerved to avoid a dog and were thrown from your bike, going over the handlebars. T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: So where are the cuts? You should have at least a little road rash. T-Rex: They're all, um, on my opposite side with now. The side you can't see. Utahraptor: So turn around! T-Rex: Hello! I am late for an appointment! Also, I don't have to listen to you!! Narrator: SUDDEN DEPRESSING ENDING COMICS! T-Rex: There are no scratches! Alright? T-Rex: I - I just... T-Rex: I wanted to be the guy that swerved qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1285 T-Rex: Tired of every day being the same as the last? T-Rex: Maybe? T-Rex: Maybe just a little? T-Rex: Then MAYBE you should try my great idea of assigning an emotion to every day of the calendar!! T-Rex: For example, January 1st could be "excited". And then January 2nd could be "elated". And then January 3rd could be "disgust". Dromiceiomimus: So we all have to be excited on January 1st? T-Rex: No, but it's like - we're aware of it! So it COLOURS the day, and gives us something to look forward to. Every day becomes a holiday! "March 3rd is contentment day!", we'll say. "I hope it comes soon." Utahraptor: I find it hard to believe you've come up with 365 (to 366) different emotions! T-Rex: I basically have! T-Rex: I could only come up with about 20 emotions, but I doubled that by adding "very". Then I doubled them again by adding "not very" and "inappropriately". There's - there's more adverbs. Utahraptor: I'm not sure if it'll - T-Rex: I'm doing it and it's gonna be great!! Narrator: BUT IT IS BAD NEWS FOR FIRST DATES: T-Rex: Today's Awkward Day, eh? God knows I've already got enough of that! T-Rex: Hah hah hah T-Rex: *sigh* qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1286 T-Rex: Hey, who wants to party? I woke up and I said "I want to party!" and then I gasped because it was BONA FIDE FACTS. T-Rex: Is this TRULY the day when everyone else wants to party as well? T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus - wanna party?? Dromiceiomimus: I can't, T-Rex! I've got a dentist appointment. T-Rex: We can party afterwards! Dromiceiomimus: Depends on how it goes at the dentist, I think. I don't want to party with new fillings. T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. He'll want to party! That guy parties like it's 1999, a rock star, AND like Marty. Utahraptor: I can't, man! Utahraptor: My brother and his kid are coming over. A quiet night in, you know? T-Rex: Man! I even checked with God and he was all "I'M BUSY WITH GOD STUFF BLAH BLAH BLAH HEY I'M TOO IMPORTANT TO COME PARTY WITH MY AWESOME DINOSAUR FRIEND". Who am I going to party with, the Devil? Devil: MMM T-REX I HAVE NEVER RECEIVED SUCH AN INVITATION FROM YOU AND I WILL BE PLEASED TO ATTEND Devil: IS THIS A PARTY OF THE LAN OR RPG VARIETY T-Rex: It's - um, I'm not - Devil: I CAUTION YOU Devil: IT CAN BE BOTH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1287 T-Rex: Screw all those guys; I can have a fun time without partying! I can have a fun time doing anything. And I'll prove it! T-Rex: I'll have a fun time learning about ACCOUNTING BEST PRACTICES! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Well Dromiceiomimus, I guess this really just goes to show you: when you spend a few hours reading up on a financial bookkeeping... there's no ACCOUNTING for what you'll learn! Dromiceiomimus: oh god Utahraptor: T-Rex! You just spent hours learning about accounting for a pun! T-Rex: I - I guess! Utahraptor: You're actually - you're bettering yourself for the sake of a pun. It's impressive. It's annoying AND impressive. It's like you spent years getting a medical degree just so you could mess with Photoshop and claim a picture has been "doctored". T-Rex: Hah hah! Awesome! Narrator: LATER: MEDICAL SCHOOL! T-Rex: What's that? Medical school is actually very hard to get into and you're not going to let me in? I guess I've been... SCHOOLED? Someone Out of View: Not unless you get in, no. T-Rex: ... Ah. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1288 T-Rex: I wonder what someone studying my life for a FUTURE BIOGRAPHY would think about me. What does it mean that I spend so much time doing the things I do? T-Rex: And what if they got the analysis wrong? T-Rex: What if they saw my interest in smooching as indicative of feelings of sexual inadequacy? What if they see my stepping on houses as symbolic of the way I let my rugged manly heart step on all but the most amusing of emotions it experiences? Dromiceiomimus: Huh? T-Rex: I'm just concerned that after I'm dead, folks will write books about me filled with sass! Utahraptor: I think I've figured you out, my friend! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: You WANT your actions analyzed. You want it because if a third party analyzes them, not only does that suggest they're interesting, but it also gives them intrinsic meaning: there must be something there worthy of analysis! You never have to worry about living a meaningful life if there's someone else to find meaning for you. T-Rex: Utahraptor! You realize that you just analyzed my actions today and found meaning in them? Utahraptor: Aw man! It wasn't on purpose!! T-Rex: I'm going to go write "boners ahoy" on a bathroom wall and then you can tell me why, okay? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1289 Narrator: T-REX HAS WRITTEN A NEW STORY! T-Rex: Yes! It's about a guy named "Clarke Kente"! His name is CLOSE to Superman's secret identity, but legally and creatively distinct. T-Rex: And then in my story Clarke's looking for a girlfriend! T-Rex: And then he meets a woman named "Louise Laan" and then they're dating and there's some smooching and romance and it all ends in marriage. The end! Dromiceiomimus: What? That's it? That's the story? T-Rex: It's a good story! It's heartwarming and the theme is that, SOMETIMES, people can fall in love. Aww! Everyone loves to be reminded of that! Utahraptor: So do Superman comics exist in this story? T-Rex: Nope! Nobody knows about Superman. Utahraptor: Ah, so you use the characters to finally give Clark Kent the quiet and stable relationship with Lois he could never have as Superman. T-Rex: No, that would be good, but that's not my story. My story is a simple love tale about simple people, with names that are legally and creatively distinct. Narrator: LATER: PHONE CALLS! T-Rex: DC Comics, quit hasslin' me! Clarke and Louise and Bruce Swaine are my own characters! Offscreen: Um, I'm just a telemarketer who wants to sell you some long distance? T-Rex: Listen, if we both pretend we can both get what we want out of this conversation, okay? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=129 Narrator: COMICS FROM THE FUTURE T-Rex: Who can forget the events of July 30, 2215? Dromiceiomimus: Their significance cannot be overstated. Narrator: THE END Narrator: COMICS FROM THE FUTURE Narrator: a reprise Utahraptor: Who can forget the events of July 30, 2215? T-Rex: Their significance cannot be overstated. Narrator: THE END qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1290 T-Rex: As of today, I am officially living in the future! T-Rex: That's because as of TODAY, I am the proud owner of a robot! T-Rex: His name is Breadmatic 5000 and he's great. His specialty? Baking friggin' bread! Dromiceiomimus: That's not a robot, T-Rex! That's a standard bread machine. T-Rex: He's a robot! He's a robot and he sits on the kitchen counter and when I press the "Breadmatic, I would like some bread tonight" button and then put the ingredients inside him, he turns them into bread. You know how he does it? Through ROBOTICS. Utahraptor: He's not even anthropomorphic! T-Rex: Robots don't have to be!! T-Rex: Breadmatic is a box because that is ROBOTICALLY DETERMINED to be the optimal shape for bread production, okay? Utahraptor: You bought him at the grocery store. T-Rex: You live in a bland world of consumer electronics, Utahraptor. I live in a world of robot pals who bake me food! Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Breadmatic, I'm worried! The fact that you're a robot is already coming between me and my non-robot friends! Breadmatic 5000: YOUR BREAD IS NOW: READY T-Rex: Sometimes, Breadmatic, in my most private moments... T-Rex: ...sometimes I worry that I won't be enough. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1291 Narrator: The Woman Who Woke Up As A Man Narrator: by T-Rex Narrator: Once upon a time there was a woman who woke up as a man! That's her. Pretty tough, right/ Frig! Narrator: Anyway she woke up as a totally tough dude, stepping on houses like they were toy Monopoly houses, like in the picture? Everyone liked her. But her female form was missing and eventually people thought that she was murdered! Nobody believed her that she was a dude now and they thought maybe HE (the girl) murdered her (herself). She went to jail and EVENTUALLY, she died in jail, from a terminal case of too much being...in jail. Narrator: THE END. Utahraptor: T-Rex, I read your comic! The one you slipped under my door with the note "FEED BACK PLZ ;)"? T-Rex: And? Utahraptor: Well, okay, you don't explain how or why the woman switched sexes, and I don't get why you wrote a story where a guy who looks like you is a woman, only to basically ignore the premise. And um, the ending was among the most un-satisfying I'd ever read. T-Rex: I see! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST! T-Rex: T-Rex, it's me, T-Rex from the future! Don't let Utahraptor read your comic because he's going to be a dick about it, okay? T-Rex off-panel: I still say "dick" in the future? T-Rex: I'm from like 2 hours in the future, so YEAH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1292 Utahraptor's comic: "Tina's Curse" by Utahraptor Utahraptor's comic: Tina Rex was a woman with a curse. Tina Rex was a woman with a very peculiar curse. Utahraptor's comic: Ever since she was six, Tina Rex knew that she was one day to wake up as a man! Utahraptor's comic: She had been given this curse by her stepmother, who hated her, and presumably men as well. The curse didn't scare Tina. Failing to meet monthly progress reports scared her, missing a checkpoint on her Five-Year Plan scared her, but being a man was like being a woman, she figured, only with more prostate exams. She smiled at her joke. Tina Rex woke up as a man on her 31st birthday. Utahraptor: So! Did you read my rewrite of your comic? T-Rex: IT WAS SO TERRIBLE T-Rex: Okay, listen, you're not allowed to rewrite my stories anymore. Prostate exam jokes? Seriously? I stopped reading it three panels in. Utahraptor: What? It got better! It got great! T-Rex: It sure did, once I rewrote it extensively!! T-Rex's comic: TINA, THE DUDE WHO PUNCHED THE FUTURE T-Rex's comic: Tina is a woman who can Punch The Future. This means that she'd punch somewhere, and then three weeks later you'd walk over there and go "Ow who punched me." One time she punched a monocle guy who said "Ow, my crotch!" and then he turned around and he said "Ow, my bum!" THE END? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1293 T-Rex: Today is the day I spend entirely in bed! Is this laziness? No! T-Rex: I just want to see if I can do it! Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING: Dromiceiomimus: Where were you yesterday, T-rex? T-rex: I spent the whole day in bed, Dromiceiomimus! I wanted to see if I could do it. Dromiceiomimus: Really? You didn't shower or anything? T-Rex: Nope! And to answer your next question: I HELD IT IN. I held it in, AND THEN, I fell asleep. Utahraptor: I was trying to call you all yesterday! T-Rex: Hey, I figured it was you! T-Rex: But I don't have a phone by the bed, so, you know - sorry? As I'm sure you overheard, I couldn't get out of bed because of SELF-EXPERIMENTATION. Utahraptor: Well, you missed out on this store giving away free ice cream because their freezer broke! Another store was giving away free chocolates for reasons less evident. Narrator: T-REX FEELS REGRET. HE BEGINS A NEW EXPERIMENT: TO BE THE GUY WHO ALWAYS GETS FREE ICE CREAM WHENEVER THERE'S FREE ICE CREAM TO BE HAD. T-Rex: The experiment continues! Offscreen: Pardon me? T-Rex: Nothing, MOM qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1294 Narrator: COMICS FOR ROOMMATES (print and save!) T-Rex: This is a great comic for if you need to talk to a sucky roommate, but then you're like, "Man! I don't want to talk to a sucky roommate!" T-Rex: Attention, sucky roommate!! T-Rex: You may be surprised to see this comic lying around. I regret to inform you that it was placed here for a reason! Yes, I'm sorry, sucky roommate, but you are being kind of a sucky roommate. Dromiceiomimus: Maybe that can change though? T-Rex: Yes! Maybe if you stopped leaving your used-up socks in the kitchen or whatever? Utahraptor: On the other hand, the person that left this comic here is kind of a sucky person too! T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: He or she isn't!! S/he is jsut a little passive-aggressive. He/she is just tired of picking socks out of the ceral or whatever. Utahraptor: He slash she should just address the issues directly! T-Rex: Um, it's way more fun to print out comics than to deal with interpersonal issues? Narrator: THE END qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1295 T-Rex: I've always been reluctant to get a tattoo, because what if my tastes change? I don't want to be the guy at 50 with "BETTY AND VERONICA 4 LYFE" tattooed on my back. I mean, right now I kinda do, but I can see that changing in like two seconds. T-Rex: But I've come up with a solution! T-Rex: The whole problem comes from the fact that tattoos can't be altered, but that's not true! For example, imagine I get a tattoo of a butterfly, and THEN, I realize I wish I'd gotten a tattoo of a flexing guy with guns for eyes instead. All is not lost! I just get a tattoo of a flexing guy using his gun eyes to SHOOT the butterfly, and I'm the coolest! I instantly become the coolest dude. Utahraptor: So each new tattoo shoots the old one, but what happens when you run out of space? T-Rex: Well! T-Rex: I acknowledge I have finite room on my body for "the tats", but I don't think I'm THAT indecisive. Anyway, once I have the Enterprise shooting Batman shooting gun eyes shooting a butterfly, I think I'll be happy. I just - I can't ever see regretting that. Utahraptor: Really? Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE: [[Close up of a T-Rex tattoo and an Enterprise tattoo flying out of its mouth, all on an alarmingly green background.]] Some Person Out of View: Wow Some Person Out of View: Your skin is really green qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1296 T-Rex: Guys, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but, well, here we are. I should just say it. T-Rex: Bingo is totally suboptimal and inefficient! T-Rex: Check it out: replace the caller with a computer, and you make the bingo numbers get called like a billion times faster. Replace the bingo players with other computers, and you speed up the rate at which the game is played. Tie both these innovations together and you can play HUNDREDS of bingo games per second! ONCE AGAIN, something has been made orders of magnitude more efficient by simply replacing all life involved with cold and soulless bingo-playing machines. Utahraptor: But the fun thing of bingo is in dabbing the numbers, in building up suspense as the game progresses. You've made it boring! T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: My new, hyper-efficient bingo is basically like putting in your money, pressing a button, and being informed whether or not you've won. Utahraptor: Exactly! T-Rex: But that's what slot machines do, and people LINE UP to play them! OH SNAP! IS THIS ANOTHER ARGUMENT WON BY T-REX?? Narrator: THREE DAYS LATER: T-Rex: HEY UTAHRAPTOR! DO YOU REMEMBER THREE DAYS AGO, WHEN I TOTALLY BEAT YOU IN AN ARGUMENT? T-Rex: TO BE HONEST T-Rex: I'M KINDA LINGERING ON IT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1297 T-Rex: It turns out there are some regions where my HyperBingo(tm) is played. Neat! T-Rex: And it's all thanks to legal loopholes! T-Rex: AS IT HAPPENS, in some areas gambling is heavily regulated, but bingo is a special case that isn't. And so companies have built electronic bingo machines, exactly as I envisioned! Whats more, some have used bingo as an engine to power other types of gambling, like poker and slot machines. The game plays a hidden bingo game, and if you get a bingo, your slots will ALWAYS come up as three cherries. It's nuts! Bingo's being used in ways GOD NEVER INTENDED. Utahraptor: But how do they translate bingo into poker? You have choice over what cards stay in your hand! T-Rex: They CHEAT! T-Rex: Say you got a quick bingo, and that translates into a royal flush. You're doomed to win! If you throw away all your cards, you're just gonna get dealt the same flush in a new suit. Even if you try to lose, the computer will step in and CHANGE YOUR CARDS, or just make you win the next game. Utahraptor: Insane! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE! Cyborg: CITIZENS! YOU HAVE ABUSED THE POWER OF BINGO, AND WE BINGO-POWERED CYBORGS ARE THE PRODUCT OF YOUR BINGO-POWERED HUBRIS. GUESS IF WE ARE GOING TO DESTROY ALL ORGANIC LIFE! T-Rex: Y- yes? Cyborg: ONE WORD: Cyborg: BINGO. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1298 T-Rex: If you want to know what life on Earth was like yesterday, there's like a billion people you turn to! MORE, probably! Probably more. T-Rex: But if you want to know about life 6 million years ago, there's only a handful of fossils! T-Rex: And it would be TOTALLY RAD if this record was all really exceptional people. Like if I lived millions of years ago, only I was a mutant with a fully-formed extra hand growing out of the base of my spine! If I was the only specimen from the time, we might conclude that EVERYONE had butt hands then, and that would be provably hilarious. Then I thought: maybe we're already doing this! Utahraptor: How do you figure? T-Rex: Well, maybe we're doing the opposite! T-Rex: Maybe millions of years ago life was awesome and surreal, but only the boring specimens got preserved. Maybe the non-chumps knew to avoid river beds and tar pits! Maybe dragons don't fossilize. Utahraptor: That's incredibly unlikely! T-Rex: You know what else it is? Incredibly AWESOME. Narrator: YEARS LATER: T-Rex: It is impossible to know if my dream came true qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1299 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for riddles! And hey, look at me! T-Rex: I have the perfect riddle memorized right here, in my awesome brain! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Which creature goes on four feet in the morning, two feet at noon, and three feet in the evening? Dromiceiomimus: Its a human, T-Rex. Babies crawl on all fours, then they walk around and then when they're old they use a cane. Come on, that riddle's from Ancient Greece. That riddle is so old-school, the techniques necessary for modern school construction won't be invented for two thousand years. T-Rex:Huh! People know the riddle of the Sphinx? Utahraptor: You're surprised? Utahraptor: T-Rex, it's most likely the oldest riddle on the planet. Without hyperbole, entire civilizations have risen and fallen since someone first came up with that riddle. IT predates PAPER. T-Rex: Well... Patrick Stewart liked it. Narrator: EARLIER: Patrick Stewart: T-Rex, your riddle spoke to me personally because I started today on four feet, managed to walk on two feet at noon, and now I'm using three feet! T-Rex: Wow, Patrick Stewart! Patrick Stewart: It has been a memorable day qwantz.com/index.php?comic=13 T-Rex: I wonder if I'm the only one that feels as if he isn't living up to his own potential? T-Rex: As a dinosaur, I mean. T-Rex: It's time to live this day... TO THE MAX! T-Rex: RARGH! I am getting the most out of destroying this tiny log cabin! T-Rex: It's been nice weather too! T-Rex: My mouth has a nice fresh taste in it this morning! T-Rex: Skin is not too itchy! T-Rex: I am looking forward to a gooey feeling beneath my feet! Soon! Utahraptor: Another day lived to the MAX? T-Rex: That is the plan! Utahraptor: Wouldn't you get more out of your days if you spend less time destroying and more time considering YOUR SOUL? T-Rex: Dinosaurs have souls?! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=130 T-Rex: Believe in yourself, and you can do anything! Narrator: PLATITUDE COMICS T-Rex: I also enjoy: T-Rex: "Wow, that's very good for a first try!" T-Rex: and T-Rex: "Just do what you think is best!" T-Rex: I also like "I do love you... as a friend!" Utahraptor: That's not a platitude! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: It's not a platitude! T-Rex: OK then! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1300 T-Rex: I have filled out change of name forms for Utahraptor! I have done this because I am a good friend who likes to make surprises. T-Rex: From now on, Utahraptor will be known only as "Utahraptore"! T-Rex: The added "e" gives him an exotic Spanish flair. Utahraptore, the fiery outlaw fighting for the repressed, the mysterious man of dark passions! The man whose smile disarms the men as easily as his rapier disarms the women. Who is this masked man? Who is this... this Utahraptore? Utahraptor: I'm not signing those forms! T-Rex: Come on! It Will Be Awesome. T-Rex: You'll get a new name and a new reputation AND a new driver's license, and I'll get to say "Oh, him? He's my mysterious friend, Utahraptore." All you need to do is sign! Utahraptor: I'm not signing them. T-Rex: Well, frig, this has been a complete waste of a Monday morning! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Frig, it's actually Tuesday!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1301 Narrator: LATER THAT SAME DAY: T-Rex: No way! There's no way. "T-Rex" is a great name and IF I were to change it, it would be to "T-Tex", and ONLY if I had a guarantee of oversized cowboy hats. Utahraptor: Come on! Utahraptor: I think you'd make a great "Shortpants". T-Rex: Utahraptor, the very mention of the name has filled me with UNSTOPPABLE RAGE! I get that you're trying to revenge yourself on me for filling out your Utahraptore name change forms, but the difference was THAT name is awesome. Shortpants is what you call a dog that - that acts like a squirrel or something. And I'VE - Utahraptor? T-Rex: Where'd he go? Utahraptor: I'm right here! T-Rex: Whatever!! Utahraptor: Please just sign the name change forms, PLEASE? I'd love to call you Shortpants. "How was your day, Shortpants?" "Stop eating all the ice cream, Shortpants!" T-Rex: No. T-Tex or nothing. Utahraptor: Well frig, Shortpants, I guess I'VE wasted a Monday afternoon! T-Rex: ARGH! T-Rex: It's TUESDAY qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1302 T-Rex: A button has popped off of one of my favourite shirts! T-Rex: Will NO-ONE sew it back on for me? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, YOU'RE a good friend! T-Rex: Would you sew a button back onto one of my shirts? Dromiceiomimus: I could, but this is something you should really learn to do for yourself, T-Rex! T-Rex: But that's the thing: everyone else has ALREADY learned how to do it, so I'd be needlessly duplicating their efforts if I learned it myself! Utahraptor: You're justifying laziness through minimizing inefficiencies? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: At the societal level! T-Rex: If only 25% of the population learnt button sewing AND everyone had four friends, then we'd expect one friend to do the button sewing when needed, and the remaining three could use that free time to learn something else! T-Rex: SOCIETY ADVANCES. Utahraptor: I'm not sewing your button on either, T-Rex. Narrator: YEARS LATER: Unknown: Excuse me, sir: this is a black tie dinner, and you've shown up completely naked. T-Rex: I blame society!! Unknown: Sir Unknown: That is not yet on my list of acceptable excuses qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1303 T-Rex: A Story about a Man, by T-Rex! T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a radical guy! T-Rex: He filed his taxes on time, but ONE DAY, the government mailed him and was like, "Dude you need to file taxes for the past five years" and the dude was like "DUDES I ALREADY TOTALLY DID" and the government guy was like "Hah hah, our mistake!" but then their computers kept mailing him threatening "pay your taxes" letters and he felt like the problem would never be fixed and it caused him a lot of stress THE END. Utahraptor: Autobiographical? T-Rex: Absolutely not! T-Rex: FICTION. As a man who is attuned with the world around him, I make up stories that SEEM real, but are actually just lies that I imagined! It's called "writing"; look it up? Utahraptor: You're sure it's not autobiographical? No problems with the tax man? T-Rex: No sir! God: ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN YOU HAVE NO TROUBLES WITH THE TAX MAN T-Rex: Yep! You know what? I'm not even fully sure what taxes ARE. God: OKAY YOU ARE A GROWN ADULT SO God: THAT'S A CONCERN qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1304 T-Rex: People like different songs because they have different tastes in music. This I concede. T-Rex: However! T-Rex: I still think there could be One Perfect Song! T-Rex: I think someone, some day - let's say, ME - might sit down and write a song that is legitimately great. A song that transcends personal taste and never gets old and is everyone's favorite, without exception. The best of all possible songs. What would the music world be like if there were no longer any chance of anyone else having a number one song - THE number one song? What if everyone was left fighting for second place? Utahraptor: I actually think it would be fascinating! T-Rex: Really? Utahraptor: Yeah! It would be amazing seeing how some artists react, knowing the best epitaph they could hope for was "runner up". I think you'd see a lot of esoteric music, exploring areas that aren't in the number one song! T-Rex: Well! I guess I'd better get to work, huh? Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE SOMEONE HAS ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED THIS: Offscreen: Yo, I'm not number one but I'm still good/ My parents know that I've done/ basically the best I could! T-Rex: Man! I miss OLD gangsta rap! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1305 T-Rex: If you drop something heavy on your foot, your first instinct is likely to scream in pain. T-Rex: Dudes and ladies! This is not such a useful reaction! T-Rex: Screaming doesn't fix the problem, it just draws attention to your bruisey foot. And when your scream is followed by cursing, THAT just says "My foot hurts now, and I believe this is equivalent to poo." T-Rex: We can do better! Utahraptor: What else would you suggest? T-Rex: Anything, man! T-Rex: Throw a punch! Yell "Totally intentional, folks!!" Tuck into a spin to deflect any other falling items! ANYTHING's better than the standard "ARGH FRIG OW FRIG." Utahraptor: I think I'd rather NOT be around a guy who punches upon injury. T-Rex: Whatever, man! Bears do it, and everybody likes bears! Narrator: LATER, T-REX FEELS REGRET FOR HOW THE CONVERSATION WENT. HE WORRIES THAT UTAHRAPTOR WANTED TO HAVE A SERIOUS DISCUSSION. BUT HE WAS MAKING JOKES ABOUT BEARS. T-Rex: Sometimes i worry that if I were someone else, I wouldn't want to be friends with me. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1306 God: T-REX IF YOU COULD HAVE A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF ANY ONE THING WHAT WOULD IT BE T-Rex: Friendship! God: IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING PHYSICAL T-Rex: Physical Friendship! God: NO I MEAN IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING YOU CAN BUY AND PUT IN YOUR ROOM T-Rex: W-water? God: WATER God: LISTEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY "GOLD" T-Rex: Why? Utahraptor: Why what? God: BECAUSE THEN YOU GET A BUNCH OF GOLD BUT IT HAS NEGATIVE EFFECTS AND DISTANCES YOU FROM YOUR FRIENDS AND YOU REALIZE THAT FRIENDSHIP IS THE REAL TREASURE T-Rex: Sorry, Utahraptor, God's hasslin' me. GOD, I said "friendship" at the start of this stupid conversation!! Utahraptor: I - okay? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear audio diary: today I looked crazy and didn't get a lifetime supply of gold or water. I blame monotheism GOD: I HEARD THAT T-Rex: HEY! TOO BAD YOU'VE GOT NO OTHER GODS TO COMPLAIN TO, HUH?? God: ARGUABLY God: YES qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1307 T-Rex: Hey God, you know on Star Trek, when sometimes they go back in time? God: YEP T-Rex: It interferes with my ability to enjoy the show! God: OKAY T-Rex: Seriously though. It ruins my suspension of disbelief! T-Rex: The issue is they're traveling back in time in an understood, repeatable way: slingshot around the sun! It's just - why wouldn't they do that all the time? When anything bad happens, whenever there's tension and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance, I always think, "Well, worst case, they could just go back in time and fix this. I wonder - I wonder why they don't do that." Utahraptor: You can't put the genie back in the bottle! T-Rex: Utahraptor! Exactly!! T-Rex: Well, I mean, not EXACTLY. Metaphorically. It was a good metaphor. By "exactly", I meant to communicate "Utahraptor, that is an exact metaphor." Utahraptor: Gotcha. T-Rex: Okay. Good. Alright, I'm going to go back to talking about Star Trek now. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Attention, everyone!! That was pretty much all I had to say, actually qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1308 T-Rex: You know those guys who have been hiccuping for 70 years or whatever? I'm glad I'm not one of those guys. T-Rex: Hiccuping forever is this weird sort of... forced immortality! Dromiceiomimus: But I thought you were all about going down in history, T-Rex? T-Rex: It's true! But on my own terms. I can't control hiccups, so it's really being remembered for something that my body's doing that's really incidental to who I am, you know? Anyone who heard of me would know me as The Hiccup Guy, and it would overshadow anything else I did with my life. Utahraptor: I think if you cured cancer or something, we'd still know your name! T-Rex: True! T-Rex: But the headlines would still be "Hiccuping Doctor Cures Cancer". It's too memorable to overlook! I like choosing my OWN destiny. Utahraptor: Okay, so go to that. Choose your own adventure. T-Rex: Utahraptor, that reference has instantly inspired me to be the best I can possibly be!! Narrator: LATER, T-REX DISCOVERS THAT 80S REFERENCES WORKED INTO CONVERSATION INSPIRE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING! Out of Panel: We're focusing too much on the mistakes of the past. Let's get back to the future, shall we? T-Rex: YES!! YES, LET'S DO THAT! HOLY CRAP! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1309 Narrator: T-REX HAS BEEN INVITED TO ANOTHER WEDDING. T-Rex: Yes! I know what that means... T-Rex: Ill-advised hookups!! T-Rex: It's the wedding experience! You get some single people together who think life is a race, and then you convince them THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF WEDDING that the only way to avoid coming in dead last is to get married! The result: hookups! T-Rex: Hookups of the ill-advised nature!! Utahraptor: Come on, T-Rex, that's just a stupid stereotype and lame soap opera trope! T-Rex: Lame and SEXY Utahraptor: I just think that if you go into this wedding evaluating all the guests by their hookup potential, it'll colour your wedding experience in a really weird way. T-Rex: Utahraptor, guess what? Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: I'm still totally gonna be on the lookout for bad hookups!! Narrator: AT THE WEDDING. Voice: So what are you thinking, baby? Yes or no? T-Rex: Um, I'm thinking... That a lot of my internal conflict and malaise comes from the tensions between the life I ACTUALLY want to live, and the stories I'd love to be able to tell? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=131 Narrator: A MYSTERY COMIC T-Rex: ...ninety-eight, ninety nine, one hundred! T-Rex: Ready or not, here I come! T-Rex: Where are you, Utahraptor? Are you hiding under this house? Come out, come out, wherever you are! T-Rex: No? T-Rex: Where could you have gone? T-Rex: Are you hiding beneath this woman? No? Utahraptor: I found you, T-Rex! T-Rex: No, I'm looking for you! Utahraptor: But I though - Utahraptor: Man, how do you screw up "Hide and Go Seek"? T-Rex: It's a mystery! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1310 T-Rex: I am a man who, when he is at an all-you-can-eat restaurant, will restrict what he eats based on his peers. I don't know when to stop, so I rely on the verbal and non-verbal cues of my dining mates to tell me when I'm full! T-Rex: I call this condition "Appetite Asperger's"! T-Rex: It is a hilarious AND excellent name because people with Appetite Asperger's analyze the behaviour of others while eating and come up with a ruleset for saying when they're full. Just like someone with real Asperger's! Only, instead of applying this to social interaction, I apply it exclusively to knowing when to say "Wow, dudes, I'm full! How about you guys, huh? Pretty full? Oh my gosh, me too!" Utahraptor: I would've thought you'd call it "T-Rex's condition" or something! T-Rex: NORMALLY, I would have! T-Rex: But I made a list and I've already got like four or five T-Rex's conditions. Plus, Appetite Asperger's has assonance going for it! Utahraptor: I suppose. I'm still not comfortable with the name! T-Rex: And I'm STILL not comfortable with the full range of my sexuality, but we all have to make do!! T-Rex: That's right, everyone! T-Rex: TODAY IS THE DAY I SHARE MORE ABOUT MYSELF THAN MAYBE I WANTED TO qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1311 God: T-REX PICK A WORK ANY WORK BUT MAKE SURE IT'S A NOUN OKAY T-Rex: Done! God: OKAY WHAT WORK IS IT T-Rex: I'll never say!! T-Rex: I've read Greek myths, man! I know you guys are all about SNEAKY TRICKS and IRONY and MORALITY TALES in which dudes get wicked punishment for BASICALLY no reason. I don't want to be in any noun-based morality tales! Not unless the moral is "T-Rex Is The Best, Holy Cow You Guys." God: HEY GUESS WHO'S NOT A GREEK GOD God: I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT God: YOU'RE TALKING TO HIM AND HE'S AWESOME God: ALSO HE'S ME Utahraptor: What's going on? T-Rex: God wants a noun! Utahraptor: And you're not giving it to him? T-Rex: I was accusing him of the whole "ironic punishment" Greek God thing. But he's not so bad! I give him a hard time sometimes. T-Rex: Hey God! You want my word? Here it is! T-Rex: "Meritocracy". God: FINALLY HERE'S YOUR MADLIB God: SALLY COULDN'T BELIEVE THE SIZE OF HER MERITOCRACY God: I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1312 T-Rex: Wow, that was a terrible movie. Definitely one of the top 50 worst films ever! God: T-REX THERE IS BARELY 100 YEARS OF FILM SO THAT'S NOT SAYING MUCH God: A FILM 1000 YEARS FROM NOW BEING ON THAT LIST NOW THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING T-Rex: Ridiculous! T-Rex: There's still bad movies. Anyway, most "Worst Book Ever" lists have mainly modern entries despite THOUSANDS of years of book history. Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, because most ancient texts are lost forever! I'd bet less than 10% of movies are lost and I'm sure more than that amount of text is gone. T-Rex: How are you measuring volume? Sure ANCIENT books are lost, but we generate so much text today that it's probably a tiny percentage overall! T-Rex: you have to include web sites, emails, spam... Utahraptor: You're seriously comparing email to film? T-Rex: Well! Utahraptor: Come on! If you're including spam as text, are you including webcams as film? What about security camera footage, stored and erased without ever being watched? And how are we defining worst? Personal taste? Objective value? Box office performance, ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION OF BOTH MONEY, POPULATION, AND BOX OFFICES? Narrator: ONE WEEK LATER: T-Rex: What a terrible movie THAT was. I'd definitely rate it one of the Top 50 Worst Films Of All Time!* Someone off-panel: Did you just make an asterisk sound? Why the asterisk sound? T-Rex: OH GOD qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1313 T-Rex: So, SOMETIMES, archeologists find things that don't belong in their geological contexts: shells where there were no oceans, that sort of thing. And there's lots of explanations like "maybe an animal ate it and pooped it out, GROSS." T-Rex: But sometimes these objects are found with human remains! T-Rex: And when that happens they call it a manuport: something that was carried by hand by ancient dead dudes. Manuports are neat because they show you what ancient dead dudes found interesting! And the most awesome manuport is the oldest one, called the Makapansgat pebble. It dates to 3 million years ago! Utahraptor: There weren't humans around to carry it 3 million years ago, T-Rex! T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: But there were PROTOHUMANS. Australopithecines! And the Makapansgat pebble has this natural "eye eye mouth" face shape on it. A protohuman had enough curiosity and aesthetic sense, 3 MILLION YEARS AGO, to see the face in the rock, and thought it was special enough to carry around with him until he died. T-Rex: I think it's beautiful and amazing that millions of years later, another human being dug up the same pebble, recognized the same face, and maybe even for a moment, dreamed the same dreams. Utahraptor: You stepped on a human being back there. T-Rex: That's - um, that's beautiful too? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1314 Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS ASKS: IF YOU COULD LOSE ANY SENSE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? T-Rex: Me sense of proprioception! T-Rex: That's the sense that lets you know where your body parts are at any given time! T-Rex: And it's ALSO a sense that gets dulled when you drink, which is why you have trouble touching your nose with your eyes closed in such situations. You're forced to rely on proprioception, and with it dulled, you miss! You poke out your eye with your hand or whatever. T-Rex: Proprioception! Utahraptor: And you really want to be CONSISTENTLY SURPRISED about where your limbs are when you can't see them? T-Rex: Maybe! Utahraptor: You know what? I don't think you would! I think you ACTUALLY chose proprioception because it's not one of the classical five senses, and you wanted to be Mr. "Look At Me Guys I Chose An Unexpected Answer". T-Rex: Oh, it's true! But I messed up. I'd really prefer losing nociception: the sense of pain! Narrator: BUT THAT IS A LIE TOO! Voice: T-Rex, I'm afraid this accident has robbed you of one of your senses: the sense of what's appropriate in a given social situation! T-Rex: yessssss qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1315 Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS ASKS: IF YOU COULD GAIN ANY SENSE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? T-Rex: A sense of FUTURE sight! Dudes! T-Rex: I could look around and say "In ten minutes it's going to rain!" T-Rex: But then the downside is that if I saw a car accident, I'd be duty bound to try to prevent it. And PLUS, once word got out about my awesome power, whenever I was with my friends and they tripped or whatever, they'd blame me! They'd sit on the ground rubbing their knee saying "THANKS T-REX" with ultimate sarcasm when THEY were the clumsy chumps! Utahraptor: Well, why wouldn't you warn us? T-Rex: Maybe my mouth was full! T-Rex: Maybe I was warning someone else to my left! MAYBE RISK IS PART OF FREEDOM AND BY PROTECTING MY FRIENDS FROM ALL POSSIBLE DANGER I STUNT THEIR GROWTH AND BECOME THE SINGLE GREATEST THREAT TO THEIR OWN SELF-REALIZATION?? T-Rex: Also, maybe the guy tripping was HITLER. T-Rex: That's right, Utahraptor! I'll say I'm friends with Hitler to win an argument!! T-Rex: It is the "Reverse Godwin" and the most powerful debate technique ever? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1316 T-Rex: Hey, is it FUBSY in here? It feels like it's fubsy in here. Are you wondering what "fubsy" means, God? God: NOPE T-Rex: "Short and stout; squat!" T-Rex: I was using it incorrectly! T-Rex: It's just -- it's such a good word, I wish I had more chances to use it. Would you say you're FUBSY, Dromiceomimus? Dromiceomimus: I sometimes feel fubsier than most, T-Rex! T-Rex: Are we TRULY the fubsiest?? Utahraptor: Do you know what someone who is fubsy is called? T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: Fubs! T-Rex: FUBS! Oh my goodness. I have to get a dog so I can name him Fubs. Utahraptor: You already have a dog, the angriest dog in the world, if I remember correctly. T-Rex: From now on he's Fubs! His SUBTITLE is The Angriest Dog in the World. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Aw man, who peed on my couch? I bet it was Fubs!! [[thinking]] T-Rex: Hah hah hah! "Fubs". T-Rex: It's still good! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1317 T-Rex: Time for a funny joke, everyone! Alright? Alright. T-Rex: Okay, so this man gets into a car accident and wraps his car around a telephone pole! T-Rex: And there's this passer-by who is, um, passing by, and he happens to see it. He rushes over to the crumpled car and says "Oh my God, are you okay??" and the guy says "Well, I get by!" Dromiceiomimus: ... I don't get it. T-Rex: The driver misunderstands the question; he thinks it's about whether or not he makes enough money to "get by" in today's difficult world! Utahraptor: But nobody says "Oh my God, are you okay??" to mean "Oh my God, do you have a sufficient salary??" T-Rex: Sure they do! Utahraptor: No they don't! They lock eyes with you and say "Are you doing alright?" with a hand on your shoulder or something. Honestly, this joke seems like it could have been funny at some point, but you telephone gamed it in your head and it doesn't make sense anymore. Narrator: EARLIER: Passerby: So he rushes over and puts a hand on the guy's shoulder and says "Oh my God, are you okay? Are you doing alright?" and the guy says "I make a comfortable living!" T-Rex: Hah! I think I get it! Listen, I'm gonna BASICALLY commit parts of this joke to memory. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1318 T-Rex: It is common to imagine your life as a story, with yourself as a main character! It's a story with no real climax that always ends with you totally dead. T-Rex: However! T-Rex: My issue is that STUFF happens to main characters: dramatic stuff! Stuff that's not always good. It would be fun to be a bit character, a guy who gets one or two lines and whose personality is encapsulated in a few words: 'likes boats', 'old and wise', or 'eats a lot and, therefore, can't control himself around food. When someone says, "Where's the beef?" he runs up and says, "Did someone say BEEF?" because that is definitely how people who like food act.' T-Rex: Then I was thinking, maybe I am that! Utahraptor: But you've said WAY more than two lines,my friend! T-Rex: Yeah, but it's Rosencratz and Guildenstern, right? I've got my own life, but it only counts when I'm around the main character. Everything else is forgotten! Utahraptor: so who's the main character? T-Rex: ...Dromiceiomimus? Narrator: MUCH LATER, OUTSIDE DROMICEIOMIMUS'S HOUSE. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Are you in? Dromiceiomimus (off screen): T-Rex?! What are you doing here? It's late! It's 3 AM! T-Rex: I - like boats? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1319 T-Rex: Everyone! T-Rex: Guess what? T-Rex: I'm pretty great! T-Rex: I'm serious! I was thinking about it: I'm a great friend, I'm smart and I'm fun AND funny and I've been a success at every job, hobby, and challenge I've tried! Dromiceiomimus: And so modest, too! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, let's put modesty aside for a second and just "rap", person to person. I think when we do that, we can agree: there's nothing I've done that I haven't excelled at. Utahraptor: You're so egotistical! "I'm great at everything I've tried!" T-Rex: We're putting ego ASIDE today, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: You know what? It's still egotistical, and if you've succeeded at everything you've tried, you're not trying hard enough things. Here, here's something to try: why don't you cure cancer? And hey, why not come up with a clean, safe, cheap, efficient, powerful, renewable AND reliable energy source while you're at it? T-Rex: I'll do better, Utahraptor! I'm going to come up with a clean, safe, cheap, efficient, and powerful, renewable energy source THAT CURES CANCER. T-Rex: LATER T-Rex: AFTER I GO HOME AND SUCCEED AT THINKING OF A BETTER COMEBACK qwantz.com/index.php?comic=132 T-Rex: Why am I here? T-Rex: Good question! T-Rex: Am I here to fulfill some higher purpose? How can that be, if I remain completely unaware of it? T-Rex: It appears that there is some aspect of myself that craves a meaning - any meaning - to my actions. Utahraptor: If you feel so aimless, why not create you own meaning and invest your actions with it? T-Rex: Good idea! T-Rex: So what meaning do you see my action representing? Utahraptor: The futility of life? T-Rex: Aw man! T-Rex: Now I feel worse than ever! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1320 T-Rex: I think we can all agree that as a popular culture shifts with time, there were some years that were great and there were some years that were way terrible. T-Rex: For example! T-Rex:Everyone knows that the 1920s were awesome ultimate fun times (on account of flappers and swing music!), and everyone knows that the 1970s were a decade of bad decision after bad decision: a cacophony of just - really bad decisions. Dromiceiomimus: I think that some folks like the 70s. T-Rex: Hilarious! T-Rex: However, I have studied the past 2000 years and come up with the DEFINITIVE CULTURAL low. Utahraptor: Really? 2000 years? T-Rex: Yes, Utahraptor: I have gone all over 2000 years and found the global minimum: the exact day when North American, and indeed, world culture reached its, um, opposite of zenith. Utahraptor: Nadir. T-Rex: Yes. And it's the day AFTER the film "Forrest Gump" was released: July 7th, 1994. Utahraptor: But... why? Narrator: THURSDAY, JULY 7TH, 1994: 8:04 AM. T-REX IS RUNNING TO CATCH A BUS. Unnamed: Run Forrest, run!! T-Rex: FRIG!! T-Rex: That's really obnoxious! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1321 T-Rex: Frig, man! Frig! T-Rex: FRIG. T-Rex: I've got one thing to say, Dromiceiomimus! Do you know what it is? Dromiceiomimus: A minced oath? T-Rex: Frig! T-Rex: Probably!! Utahraptor: So what's up? What went wrong? T-Rex: Oh, nothing. Frig. T-Rex: Nothing I want to talk about anyway, frig. Utahraptor: Okay. Frig though, right? T-Rex: Yes, frig! Frigs and dangs, drats and cruds. Heck! T-Rex: ...FRIG. Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: It occurs to me that, as a single man, every romantic relationship I've ever had has ended in breakups! T-Rex: I think every time I remember this I'll swear a li'l and feel bad about myself qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1322 The Devil: GREETINGS T-REX I HAVE A QUERY The Devil: ARE YOU AWARE WHICH VIDEO GAME CONSOLE IS NOW THE BEST OF ALL TIME T-Rex: Super Nintendo? The Devil: Y- The Devil: YES The Devil: I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD SAY SOMETHING ELSE T-Rex: Nope! Super Nintendo! The Devil: MMM I MUST CONFESS TO HAVING THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION PLANNED OUT IN MY HEAD BUT I FAILED TO ANTICIPATE THIS RESPONSE The Devil: PERHAPS YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR ANSWER TO THE VECTREX AND THEN WE COULD PROCEED The Devil: ALTERNATIVELY SHOULD YOU CHOOSE THE GENESIS I HAVE PREPARED AN EXCELLENT ESSAY-RESPONSE T-Rex: Sorry? I said the SNES was the best console ever because I never had one and they looked fun! Utahraptor: No way, man! The Genesis was the best console ever! T-Rex: Hey! Perfect! T-Rex: Did you hear that? Utahraptor says the Sega Genesis was the best ever! Did you hear that? T-Rex: Did you hear that? T-Rex: Did you "#8212; Utahraptor: YES I DID HEAR MYSELF T-Rex: I WAS TALKING TO THE DEVIL ABOUT VIDEO GAMES UTAHRAPTOR Utahraptor: OKAY FINE WHATEVER I'M GOING TO GO PLAY SEGA GENESIS T-Rex: CAN I COME Utahraptor: I AM THINKING NO T-Rex: AW MAN Utahraptor: OKAY NOW I AM THINKING YES qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1323 T-Rex: Guys, guys! Check out my awesome trick! T-Rex: I'm a statue! Dromiceiomimus: But you're moving! T-Rex: I'm not! T-Rex: I'm not, hold on, hold on T-Rex: Ok NOW I'm a statue. Utahraptor: I've never seen a worse statue! You just turned around and switched feet! T-Rex: ONE GOT TIRED T-Rex: Hold on, okay? Just - just hold on. Okay, NOW. Statue! Utahraptor: Statues don't talk! You are a terrible statue and a worse friend!! T-Rex: *gasp* Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor (offscreen): See, T-Rex? THIS is what a statue of you looks like. T-Rex (also offscreen): Utahraptor T-Rex (still offscreen): Can we talk about what was said earlier qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1324 Narrator: THE THUNDER-LIZARD'S DAY OUT Narrator: STARRING THOS. REX, ESQ. Narrator: The morning dawned bright and clear as the thunder-lizard began his perambulation. Narrator: The neighbour-woman was outside tending her radishes. "Good morning," said the thunder-lizard. "Good morning!" said the neighbour-woman, a different (and inferiour) species of thunder-lizard. Narrator: "I'm so glad you've come by," she said. "I ordered this hat from the specialty thunder-lizard haberdashery, but it's the wrong size! It looks like it might fit you, though - would you care for it?" Narrator: "Would I!" beamed the thunder-lizard. What a morning! Narrator: "Ho, there," came a cry from across the boulevard. "Quite a smashing hat you've got there!" It was the thunder-lizard's friend, another thunder-lizard. Narrator: "It's the latest in fashions for thunder-lizards," said the thunder-lizard. "It fits my crown perfectly!" Narrator: "Ah, but can it withstand a scissor-kick to the noggin?" asked the friend. "I've just come from judo class and I'm eager to share what I've learnt." The idiotic nature of this idea went unnoticed by either party. Narrator: Twenty seconds later, the longstanding friendship was over. T-Rex: NON-CANNON qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1325 Dromiceiomimus: t-rex you look terrible today! Dromiceiomimus: you look: poorly drawn T-Rex: oh no T-Rex: what should i do, should i put on some shading? Dromiceiomimus: you just need to be drawn by someone with talent T-Rex: well! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: ...can you believe she said that? Utahraptor: YEP Utahraptor: you do look terrible today! she was only being honest like a good friend T-Rex: aww, you guys are my best friends Narrator: LATER: THEY DO NOT KEEP UP WITH EACH OTHER T-Rex: friendships come to an end qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1326 Narrator: WHAT IS DINOSAUR COMICS? T-Rex: THAT'S EASY! DINOSAUR COMICS IS A COMIC ABOUT DINOSAURS! BUT FELLAS WOULD YOU BELIEVE? T-Rex: DINOSAURS THAT TALK! T-Rex: YES I KNOW IT IS AMAZING TO THINK OF T-Rex: CAN IT BE EXPLAINED BY SCIENTISTS? T-Rex: YOU THERE, HELP A BROTHER OUT Dromiceiomimus: I'M SORRY NO, I AM ALSO A TALKING DINOSAUR AND NOT A SCIENTIST. Dromiceiomimus: PLUS T REX THIS IS LIKE THE THIRD TIME. T-Rex: THIS BLOWS! I WILL NEVER KNOW THE ANSWER FROM A REAL SCIENTIST IF EVERY-BODY HERE IS A DINOSAUR! Utahraptor: T REX, RELAX! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR, I HAVE QUESTIONS THAT NEED ANSWERS Utahraptor: WELL WHAT IF THE ANSWER WAS NEGATIVE, T REX? YOU WOULD HAVE TO NOT EXIST! AND MAN, LIKE, WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE FOR YOU LATELY T-Rex: HE'S RIGHT! A CURE FOR AIDS?? THANKS FOR NOTHING, SCIENCE Off-Screen: DO YOU HAVE AIDS, T REX T-Rex: NO Off-Screen: ARE YOU SURE THAT IS AN APPROPRIATE JOKE TO MAKE THEN T-Rex: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1327 T-Rex: BRAINSTORM! T-Rex: I'm going to write a comic about my daily life! Narrator: T-REX in "Dinosaur Comics" T-Rex: hello Droce Dromecimu Dromicemomice T-Rex: hello friend Dromiceiomimus: hello T-REX you are handsome T-Rex: that is nice to say Utahraptor: you are also a kind-hearted person T-Rex: oh thank you Utahraptor: also you are the best at video games. Utahraptor: also you are great at skateboarding qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1328 T-Rex: I have for you today the SEXIEST DINOSAUR COMICS STORY OF ALL TIME! It is sexy! T-Rex: It starts like this: [[Droste effect of whole comic for panel 3]] Utahraptor: Wait. But I'm not sure what happened! You never actually told the story! Utahraptor: You got closer and closer to it, Zeno-style, but I don't remember you actually TELLING it. T-Rex: But it was sexy, right? Utahraptor: I don't know! T-Rex: See? Lonely, infinite buildup, a confusing instant of climax that's over before you know it, and then a long, slow slide into disappointed despair? T-Rex: Man! T-Rex: You cannot deny that was a sexy story! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1329 Narrator: SCIENCE IN THE YEAR 65,000,000 T-Rex: What will science be like in the year 65,000,000? Friends! I am here to tell you: many amazing advances will be made! T-Rex: Think of how far we've come in just the past one hundred years! T-Rex: And the pace of innovation is only accelerating. Consider that iPods from only five years ago are now LUDICROUSLY UNACCEPTABLE, when in history a person might own a single record player their entire lives! It is certain that in the year 65,000,000 marvels dwarfing even branded consumer electronics await us. What new and fundamental discoveries about the universe are ahead? Will our personal holographic media players ALSO accept phone calls?? Utahraptor: I believe they may not! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: I mean only to suggest that the uninterrupted progress of the past century could in fact BE interrupted, perhaps by a planet-wide and biblically awesome catastrophe SO HUGE that intelligent life is forced to re-evolve from scratch. In the year 65,000,000 we may just be catching up to where we are now! T-Rex: Utahraptor! Utahraptor: Yes? T-Rex: The new MacBooks have cases that are made out of ALUMINUM. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=133 Narrator: COMICS WITH A SUDDEN CHANGE IN GENRE T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for lavishing praise on people! T-Rex: Is this perhaps the ultimate secret to popularity? Narrator: SHORTLY: T-Rex: Hello little Dromiceiomimus! You are certainly a nice colour this morning! Dromiceiomimus: Oh! Well, thank you! T-Rex: Think nothing of it, my good lady! T-Rex: You will stomp nicely, young woman! Good show! Utahraptor: Hey, I heard you were giving out compliments? T-Rex: I am! And you, Utahraptor, are quite affable at times! Utahraptor: "Quite affable at times"? That's it? Utahraptor: That's my compliment? Utahraptor: That's pretty weak! Narrator: SUDDENLY! T-Rex: There's no time for that now! T-Rex: We've got a President to save! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1330 T-Rex: Guys! I have some bad news! T-Rex: I don't think I'm cut out to be a law-abiding member of society!! T-Rex: When I see illegal billboards my instinct is not to call the city and register a complaint - my instinct is to tear it down! And when I see a jerk sitting in a parked car at night, projecting an ad on the side of a building, I don't want to call the police and report a citizen acting against the best interests of EVERY OTHER CITIZEN with the exception of himself. I want to disable his projector! And by "disable" I mean "fully destroy"? Utahraptor: So appraently you want to be a vigilante, but just about illegal advertising! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: It's a small enough issue that I can understand it fully, AND it's a problem I can solve at night with my fists. I can't solve global warming at night with my fists, Utahraptor. T-Rex: Don't even say it. I can't! Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: ATTENTION, ANYONE WHO HAS A LARGE CARBON FOOTPRINT! DO YOU WANT TO BE PUNCHED? Person With A Large Carbon Footprint: not really!! T-Rex: SEE THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I TRIED TO TELL MY FRIEND UTAHRAPTOR qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1331 T-Rex: Emotions are embarrassing and should be hidden. In polite society, "euphemisms" are used to avoid the shock of naming feelings directly! Narrator: NEW "EUPHEMISMS" FOR EMOTIONS COMICS T-Rex: For example, instead of saying "I'm happy" you can say "I fell off the wagon! The wagon is sadness and my mode of transportation, but I didn't hold on hard enough." Dromiceiomimus: That's very clear! And instead of saying "I'm sad" you can say "I'm a friend of Aquaman's." T-Rex: He always seemed to have an... abiding sorrow. Utahraptor: And instead of "exciting"? T-Rex: "My heart has developed boners for this." Utahraptor: Huh! What about that strange emotion you get when you see a house being moved on one of those giant trucks at night: a sort of silent ethereal wistfulness? T-Rex: There's no need for that crass language! You can just say "Dudes check out that house please" and the dudes, they will understand. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: A Nobel Prize for Excellence in the Avoidance of Frank Discussions of Feelings? My heart has developed so many boners right now, ladies and gentlemen! Audience (off-screen): WOOO! Audience (off-screen): That's why he's the champ!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1332 T-Rex: Every book is written by an author. T-Rex: Is this TRULY the worst form of racism? Dromiceiomimus: Well, I can't say that I follow you T-Rex T-Rex: Every book is written by SOMEONE, right? My point is that the SYSTEM - the MAN - is set up so that anyone who doesn't want to be an author can't write a book. Ergo, racism ahoy. Dromiceiomimus: I think you mean "prejudice". And what about diaries, amateur writings, transcriptions of dialogue, writing under duress...? T-Rex: Well - by "book" I really meant "T.V. show". Utahraptor: What about reality shows, interviews, documentaries arguably...? T-Rex: Okay, you know what, at least I'm LOOKING for racism. Utahraptor: Prejudice. T-Rex: Prejudice. At least I'm not COMPLACENT and ignoring ISSUES and just sitting around with my eyes closed eating cupcakes! T-Rex: ... Which actually sounds like a fun time and is something we should definitely do soon! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1333 T-Rex: I have come up with an excellent way to celebrate Hallowe'en: a date auction! T-Rex: Featuring: me! T-Rex: And since it's Hallowe'en, the prize is NOT ONLY a date with me (T-Rex!) but it's a HELLA CREEPY date with me (T-Rex!). I'll arrive two hours early, stand perfectly still across the street, and peer into your window with binoculars. I'll ring the doorbell while pressing my eye up against the peephole. I'll ask you how your day was and whenever you use the pronoun "I" I'll suck my fingers. I will be only MODERATELY discreet about it. Happy Hallowe'en! Utahraptor: And people will bid on you why? T-Rex: Because of charity! It's all for charity, my good man! Utahraptor: I feel like I'd prefer to give my money to charity directly, rather than go through this whole "creepy date" thing. T-Rex: Well, alright, then I guess I'll just end up dating someone who WANTS a hella creepy date with a stranger! Narrator: HALLOWE'EN NIGHT: Stranger: We like it when you suck on your fingers, T-Rex. "I", "I", "I", "I", "I". T-Rex: Aw, come on! You only bid like $20! Stranger: So? T-Rex: It's just - T-Rex: Never has one man sucked on his fingers so much for so little qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1334 T-Rex: I am a man who says "Frig" a lot, on account of how it's part of my irresistible charm. But guys, it turns out there's a Norse goddess named "Frigg"! She's Odin's wife! T-Rex: Best. Life. Ever. T-Rex: See, Dromiceiomimus, I was going to say "best goddess ever," but the fact that there's a goddess Frigg has immeasurably improved MY ENTIRE LIFE. Frigg! She can SEE THE FUTURE but doesn't tell anyone what she sees, so hen someone stubs their toe they can say, "Aw, FRIGG!" and that is DEFINITELY probably where the expression comes from. Dromiceiomimus: I don't believe that's the case? T-Rex: There's even a plant known as Frigg's grass. So awesome! Utahraptor: I can beat that, my friend! Utahraptor: In history, there was a place in England called "Frigedun," which means "Valley of Frigg"! T-Rex: Utahraptor T-Rex: I think I'll never be this excited again for the rest of my life. T-Rex: Let us cherish this moment. Narrator: THE NEXT DAY T-Rex: Utahraptor! There's a city called "Batman" in Turkey!! I could have spent my life in BATMAN CITY becoming a master in the study of Frigg! T-Rex: If this isn't the final nail in the coffin for Leibniz's "we're in the best of all possible worlds" argument I don't know what is! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1335 T-Rex: You know what? Maybe Leibniz is right and we're all doing pretty okay. maybe this IS the best of all possible worlds! T-Rex: Except for the fact that ice cream costs more than vegetables! T-Rex: And except for the fact that WAY more people on the face of the planet care about the economy than they do about buying me presents. Dromiceiomimus: And except for the fact that we can't just decide to stop making mistakes. T-Rex: THAT, and except for the fact that entropy is always increasing and in the end all life in the universe will be still, dead and frozen forever. Utahraptor: But maybe in the best of ALL possible worlds, you don't exist! T-Rex: Oh, wow. Maybe! T-Rex: How depressing would it be to know you're part of the reason things aren't perfect? To look in on the best of all possible worlds and notice you're not there. Utahraptor: Exactly! But maybe this is the best possible world for YOU, personally. Maybe this is as close to heaven as you'll ever get! Narrator: THE BEST POSSIBLE WORLD: T-Rex: I'm SO GLAD we named it Frigday instead of "Friday"! Utahraptor: We followed the Germanic roots of the goddess Frigg's name instead of the English ones! T-Rex: Attention, naked and sexy (yet non-exploited!) members of the attractive sex! I KNOW qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1336 T-Rex: Whenever I think of the phrase "good to the last drop" I think of the friggin' Maxwell House Coffee. T-Rex: I don't even drink coffee! T-Rex: They have lexicalized the phrase AND associated it in my mind with their stupid branding! T-Rex: And if someone says "can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp" NOT ONLY do I think of Sugar Crisp, I think of the jingle too! Dromiceiomimus: Oh, actually, about that: they're rebranding it, T-Rex. It's now referred to as "Golden Crisp" in most major markets. T-Rex: WHAT? They store a phrase in my sparkling mind and now they're abandoning it? I call FRIGGIN' SHENANIGANS on that! Utahraptor: So what are you going to do? T-Rex: Um, refer to it as "Sugar Crisp" till the day I die?? T-Rex: Except THEN I'll just be reinforcing their original branding. Okay, tell you what: I can't forget the slogans but I CAN substitute their brands with something I do want to remember, like intercourse! Utahraptor: "Can't get enough of that intercourse"? T-Rex: Exactly! "Silly rabbit! Intercourse is for kids." Wow! T-Rex: That idea backfired incredibly quickly! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1337 T-Rex: I've made the Best Conceptual Hallowe'en Costume EVER this year! Check it out: T-Rex: I'm someone from the past! Dromiceiomimus: Neat! So you're wandering around being all agog at electricity and airplanes and stuff! T-Rex: No no, sorry, I should have specified: I'm from the RECENT past. Like, past three years. I'm walking around saying "Oh, wow! Check out all these incremental improvements." Dromiceiomimus: Ah. Utahraptor: So what's in the news three years ago? T-Rex: Um, lots of the - politics? T-Rex: Actually, I'm someone from three years ago who also didn't follow the news. Utahraptor: Ah. So if you're someone from three years ago, shouldn't you be dressing up for Hallowe'en? Hallowe'en 2005? T-Rex: ....Yes. T-Rex: I am about to. Narrator: HALLOWE'EN 2011: T-Rex: HEY UTAHRAPTOR! I'M DRESSED UP AS MYSELF FROM THREE YEARS AGO! Utahraptor: Why are you yelling? T-Rex: BECAUSE I'M STILL KINDA CHEESED ABOUT YOU TEARING APART MY 2008 COSTUME AND IN THE INTERVENING YEARS I HAVE BECOME ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER AT EXPRESSING MYSELF qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1338 T-Rex: While riding my bike yesterday and making a TOTALLY LEGAL move from the side of the road into traffic so that I could make a left-hand turn, this car dude honked at me! T-Rex: So I flipped him off. It was BICYCLE ROAD RAGE! T-Rex: It was insane. I never get road rage, bicycle or otherwise, and I never flip anyone off! But here I was being all that I hate! I flipped him off without even looking behind, and THEN, after I flipped him off he honked at me again, two little ones, and I flipped him off again, two little ones. Then I turned left and got away! Dromiceiomimus: Are you sure he was honking at you? T-Rex: I am certain of it! Utahraptor: But how are you sure he meant anything aggressive by it? T-Rex: What else could he have meant? Utahraptor: Well most cars have one horn that only makes one tone, right? So the only paths for sentiment encoding are honk duration and count. Maybe one honk from that guy means "Hey sexy!!" and two short honks means "Wait a minute! You're not so sexy!!" T-Rex: Huh! Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER, T-REX GETS HONKED AT AGAIN: T-Rex: Excuse me, everyone? You saw what just happened! What do you think that driver meant to convey? Mom: That you're a very handsome, clever and successful young man! T-Rex: MOM, I was asking the OTHER pedestrians qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1339 T-Rex: Someone who doesn't vote is CLEARLY super chumpy. But, ON THE OTHER HAND, someone totally uninformed who votes anyway is ultra chumps too! T-Rex: An interesting conundrum! T-Rex: So let's take it to extremes: if voters were SO UNINFORMED that they were effectively voting randomly, then their noise would drown out the signal of informed voters. So that's bad! Dromiceiomimus: Agreed! But on the other hand, perfect knowledge of every candidate's position on every issue isn't possible. So there will always be UNDERinformed voters - it's just a matter of degree! T-Rex: Agreed! T-Rex: So let's just multiply everyone's vote by their informedness! Utahraptor: Making a less informed vote worth less? T-Rex: Exactly! That way the "goodness" of a voter will directly impact how much their vote is worth! Utahraptor: Wow. T-Rex, your system only works if we can objectively measure informedness, which isn't going to happen. Plus, replace "goodness" with "ethnicity" in your phrase and you're a super crazy racist! Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Dear audio memoirs! Today I was racist by word substitution again. T-Rex: This - T-Rex: This is the hardest racism not to be. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=134 T-Rex: I'm worried that I'm putting on weight. T-Rex: I'm worried that I'll grow to be a fat dinosaur! T-Rex: It's not that I'm suddenly eating more, I think, it's that my metabolism is slowing down - so the food I eat is going straight to my trendy hips! T-Rex: That's why I'm vowing to get out and get exercise every day from now on! Utahraptor: What, by stomping on people? T-Rex: It's good exercise! Utahraptor: Yeah, but maybe if you went to less all-you-can-eat restaurants you wouldn't need to exercise so much! T-Rex: But then they'd be less of a deal! T-Rex: I'd be wasting my money! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1340 T-Rex: How great would it be to be able to make your voice sound like somebody else's? T-Rex: SUPER GREAT?? T-Rex: Probably! Because then I could do prank calls as you, Dromiceiomimus! I could call Utahraptor as you and invite him over for dinner, and then, when he shows up for dinner, you're liable to be unprepared for company! Dromiceiomimus: Possibly! Or, I could be prepared and we could have a great time without you. T-Rex: I - um. T-Rex: OKAY, as revenge for that, I could prank call Dromiceiomimus and pretend that I'm a celebrity she likes! Utahraptor: It won't work! Utahraptor: We all know about your plans now! If you ever do develop voice talent, we'll all be totally prepared for your little prank calls. T-Rex: Well, I'VE actually got an emergency SUPER SECRET prank that I won't talk about, in case I ever do get the chance to pull it off. Narrator: HEY, LET'S ALL READ T-REX'S THOUGHTS! T-Rex [[thinking]]: Man, if I don't find a washroom soon others will be disappointed in me Narrator: HUH. Narrator: I REALLY THOUGHT HE'D BE THINKING ABOUT HIS SUPER SECRET PRANK qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1341 T-Rex: The ultimatum game is an economics game thing! Two anonymous strangers have to decide how to divide a sum of money between themselves. T-Rex: Player One proposes a non-zero split, and Player Two can either accept or reject it! T-Rex: If Two accepts, they both take their money and go their separate ways. But if Two rejects, NOBODY gets any money. And the game is played only once, so there's no worry about reprisals. Dromiceiomimus: So what's the problem? Player Two should accept all the time - some money is better than none, right? T-Rex: That's what's so interesting! When there's really unfair offers (90/10, 99/1), some players reject them anyway. Utahraptor: Maybe they'd rather have their pride than a few dollars! T-Rex: Exactly! Utahraptor: I suppose it shows that people aren't motivated ENTIRELY by greed, even in situations involving money and a stranger you'll never see again. T-Rex: Exactly, and that's something! We're not ALL motivated by greed. Some of us are ALSO motivated by pride. Narrator: "VICTORIES WHERE WE CAN TAKE THEM" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1342 T-Rex: Attention, retail establishments! Hallowe'en is barely over. T-Rex: Let us bask in the afterglow a bit before rolling over and kissing Christmas! T-Rex: The worst part of this is that even COMPLAINING about the early commercialization of Christmas is pass?. It's like airline food! The zeitgeist has already moved on to acceptance and "their chefs do good work under difficult circumstances" and I'm left saying "Hey notice how this sucks, though?" Dromiceiomimus: Friggin' zeitgeists, eh? T-Rex: I know! ! Utahraptor: "Rolling over and kissing Christmas"? T-Rex: I'm experimenting with it! T-Rex: I figure if everyone is gonna accept insanely early Christmas marketing, then I'M just going to sexually anthropomorphize the holidays.That way, when people encounter Christmas marketing, the disquieting thoughts they got from ME will at least make them aware of it! Utahraptor: Huh! Narrator: ONE YEAR LATER: Voice: Attention, shoppers: boxing day is stripping down to its lingerie, and on our third floor, New Year's Eve wants you to have sex with it. T-Rex: WHAT HAVE I WROUGHT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1343 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think... T-Rex: ...for a treasure hunt! Dromiceiomimus: Sweet! So what are we looking for, T-Rex? T-Rex: Okay so in 1958 these two US Air Force planes were doing training exercises with a real nuclear bomb for some reason, and they crashed into each other! And one of the planes was so damaged that it had to jettison its bomb above a bay in Georgia! Dromiceiomimus: We're searching for a nuclear bomb!? T-Rex: Serial number 47782, baby! Utahraptor: This bomb was missing its nuclear capsule though, T-Rex! It wouldn't explode. T-Rex: Aw man! NEVERMIND. Utahraptor: Yeah, where you REALLY want to look is beneath the ice in Greenland. Another crash there had four nuclear weapons involved, but only debris from three was recovered. There was evidence the fourth - or parts of it - had been so heated by the resulting fire that it melted down through the ice. Serial number 78252! God: T-REX LISTEN I CHECKED AND NOTHING GOOD CAN POSSIBLY COME FROM YOU HAVING ACCESS TO A NUCLEAR WEAPON T-Rex: Perhaps you missed the scenario in which I use it to blow up... pollution? God: SEE God: THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1344 T-Rex: Today I will be a patron of the ARTS. Yes. That is a classy thing to be. T-Rex: Women LOVE patrons! T-Rex: They love 'em! T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus, have you noticed the arts lately? I have, and as a patron, I find them to be very engaging AND artistic ... on SEVERAL levels. Dromiceiomimus: Name one painting that's not the Mona Lisa, The Scream, Starry Night, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, or the one with the dour couple holding the pitchfork. T-Rex: Um. The one where the woman - is ... surfing? Utahraptor: Should've done your research, dude! T-Rex: Whatever! I can come up with painting names later! Utahraptor: No, so you'd know that a "patron of the arts" doesn't just mean you go to galleries. It means you give a significant amount of money to support art and artists! It's where you put your disposable income. T-Rex: What? Screw that! MY DISPOSABLE INCOME IS ALL EARMARKED FOR ONE PURPOSE! T-Rex: THAT PURPOSE IS TO MAKE ME HAPPIER T-Rex: THROUGH THE PURCHASE OF THINGS T-Rex: THAT ONLY SERVE TO MAKE ME POORER T-Rex: I'M GONNA STOP TALKING NOW AND RE-EVALUATE SOME DECISIONS OKAY qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1345 T-Rex: Ladies! Gentlemen! Everybody stop what you're doing for a sec. T-Rex: I have gained access to a cake!! T-Rex: Let us divide it among us so we each get a fair amount, yes? I will divide exactly into thirds! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, maybe I like cherries and you like icing. It doesn't have to be equal to be fair! T-Rex: FINE. What if I divided it so that no-one would wnat to trade their piece with someone else? That's fair! That's ENVY-FREE, baby! Utahraptor: But that's not really fair either! T-Rex: HOW IS THAT NOT FAIR?? Utahraptor: It's greedy. Let's cut it such that there's no other way it could be cut that would make ANY of us better off, without making at least one of us worse off. That's OPTIMAL for all of us, T-Rex, and that's optimal for SOCIETY. T-Rex: That's one person keeping the whole cake! Nice try, Utahraptor!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Fuck, it's strawberry cake qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1346 T-Rex: Today is the day I find I'm no longer immersed in popular culture. I used to be SUBMERGED in it, but now I'm not even in the lake! I'm on the shore, dripping wet, furrowing my brow and pointing at the lake in confusion. T-Rex: Today is the day I realize that saying something "rocks" is actually really weird! T-Rex: It's like a switch went off in my head. This radio station was all bragging on itself, saying "Kewl 105: WE ROCK!" and my first thought was "Like a moored boat? Is it cool now to sway back and forth, like a boat tied to a dock by a length of rope?" Dromiceiomimus: You're taking it literally? T-Rex: That's the thing! My FIRST INSTINCT was to take it literally. I had to remind myself what they really meant. T-Rex: Then I thought of "rock concerts" and it seemed silly! But "punk rock" seemed ADORABLE. Utahraptor: You just need to ROCK MORE! T-Rex: I know you're trying Utahraptor, but it sounds to me like you're saying I should pitch dangerously to one side a little more often. It's too late for me. Tell them my story. Utahraptor: Goodbye T-Rex. We had a good run, didn't we? T-Rex: We did. By God, we did. T-Rex: Hey, when I decide that "cool" can only mean something chilly, you'll still shoot me with the kryptonite bullet, right? Utahraptor: No worries! T-Rex: Awesome! T-Rex: Awesome. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1347 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for surprising my friends... T-Rex: ... with breakfast in bed, that is! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Oh, Dromiceiomimus, you're already out and about! Dromiceiomimus: Yep! T-Rex: I see. That's cool, I GUESS. I GUESS You can do what you want with you life. Dromeceiomimus: Yep! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, do you want to - T-Rex: Man, YOU'RE already up too? T-Rex: This is the last time I try to make you guys breadfast in bed, okay? You suckers don't stay in bed long enough to eat a delicious breakfast surprise. Utahraptor: Well, it's 11 am and I had things to do today. Maybe if you told me in advance...? T-Rex: Um, maybe if you were lazier and hungrier...? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I would like to cancel my order of thirty hash browns, please! Grocery Store Employee: Sir this is not how grocery stores work T-Rex: Then why do you have a drive-through? GSE: Sir GSE: That is a good question qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1348 T-Rex: Guess who had their first dream of flying last night? T-Rex: Gentlemen, ladies: calm down please! It was me!! Dromiceiomimus: You'd never dreamed about flying before? T-Rex: I HAD, but they were always dreams in which everyone else could fly and I couldn't. You know the one where everyone realizes they can fly by jumping and flapping their arms, but when you try it, you just hop a tiny bit higher than normal? And it's KINDA cool but everyone else is flying so it's not THAT cool? Utahraptor: "I'm T-Rex and I have transparently symbolic dreams!" T-Rex: Come on, man! T-Rex: We ALREADY AGREED dreams sounds hella symbolic when described. If we want to talk about their contents, we have to move past symbolism! Utahraptor: Alright, fine. T-Rex: Okay. So I was wondering, in case I get this dream again, where do YOU fly when you dream about flying? Utahrpator: T-Rex, I fly through a giant pink tunnel, down through a dark hole, into a tremendous blooming flower, and finally around a huge roseate "V" with text beneath it that says "That 'V' stands for 'Vaginas'". T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex: Please continue qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1349 Narrator: UTAHRAPTOR HAS GOTTEN LIFE INSURANCE! T-Rex: Yes! Because if he dies, then the money that shows up will make us say, "Perfect! This is exactly as much as I valued that guy!" Narrator: AND HE'S NAMED T-REX AS HIS SOLE BENEFICIARY! T-Rex: WHAT?! T-Rex: Oh God, I'm DEFINITELY going to jail, and it's all Utahraptor's fault! It's his revenge for all those arguments he los! Dromiceiomimus: How is naming you as beneficiary revenge? T-Rex: Because when he dies, the police are going to ask "Who stands to gain?" and now there's a giant MILLION-DOLLAR ARROW pointing right to me, signed and notarized! Insurance policies are instant motive! JUST ADD DEATH! Utahraptor: Well, what if I die of old age? T-Rex: Still no good, my friend! T-Rex: Your insurance company still saves a MILLION DOLLARS if they can somehow make it look like I murdered you. They'll be there, hands cupped around the policeman's ear, whispering "Listen I am almost certain this green dude killed him and made it look like old age" Utahraptor: I - okay? Utahraptor [[from outside the panel]]: It's just I got the policy free through work, and I named you as a nice gesture? It doesn't even pay a million dollars. I'm pretty sure it's capped at $200,000. T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex: My fears have been reduced by precisely 80%! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=135 T-Rex: I fear that I've lost something... something important! T-Rex: Something I'll never get back again! T-Rex: Something that was very special! Something that I guess part of me thought I'd always have with me! Something that I'd tried to hold on to, but lost nonetheless! T-Rex: Something- Utahraptor: Knock it off! It's obvious to everyone you're talking about you VIRGINITY. T-Rex: What? I was talking about a baby tooth. T-Rex: Alright, I was talking about my virginity! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1350 Narrator: "EUPHEMISMS" FOR DATING T-Rex: Yes! Maybe sometimes you don't want to throw the fact that you've found happiness in the arms of another in my face? Maybe you need some "euphemisms". T-Rex: For example! T-Rex: Instead of saying "Sally and I are now dating exclusively" you can say "Sally and I are now seeing other people ONLY WITH REGRET." On second thought, maybe you should keep the "Sally and I are now dating exclusively" because if I don't want to acknowledge your commitment, I can play dumb and say, "Sally and you are now dating exclusively... axe murderers? Mad scientists? Um, DOGS?" Utahraptor: So, hey, your euphemisms are pretty weak so far! T-Rex: Yes. Allow me to correct that! T-Rex: Instead of "T-Rex, we're dating": "T-Rex, we're eating an awful lot of picnics on Sundays", "T-Rex, we're hanging out more than can be politely explained away", "T-Rex, we're playing Mega Man in two-player mode". Utahraptor: Mega Man doesn't have a two-player mode. T-Rex: Not for us, Utahraptor! Not for us. T-Rex: *sigh* qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1351 T-Rex: You know what's freaky? Ghost ships! Ships sent sailing and found drifting weeks or months or years later, and EVERYBODY'S GONE. T-Rex: Totally spooky, dudes! T-Rex: I think what I love best about them is their aloneness: how everyone aboard was basically removing themselves from larger society, expecting to be reintegrated when they arrived "#8212; and then something went catastrophically wrong! All we can do is piece things together. Botched mutiny? Rogue wave? Everyone accidentally turning invisible AND mute AND ALSO incorporeal? If you are overly credulous then it is impossible to say for sure!! Utahraptor: They do have a certain romance to them that modern technology lacks, eh? T-Rex: It's the sea! T-Rex: A boat can float along for years without crew or sails or a working engine. But if everyone disappears on an airplane it's not like we'll find it still flying around years later! Utahraptor: Imagine if we did, though? T-Rex: FINE [[In T-Rex's imagination]] Imaginary Reporter: Reports indicate the "ghost plane" drifted for years over Europe before being found. The plane was undamaged, but in-flight meals were only partially eaten, as if abandoned in haste. T-Rex: Um, even in the heady realm of fantasy I don't see how this could happen!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1352 T-Rex: Okay! Today is the day I go down in the record books for being the first guy who - who, um... T-Rex: ... who ate a tractor? Dromiceiomimus: Actually, someone's already eaten a tractor! T-Rex: Aw, really? All at once or in li'l bites? Dromiceiomimus: Over years, in tiny undigested pieces. T-Rex: Hello? That's the world record for Longest Time Taken To Push A Disabled Tractor Through A Stupid Digestive Tract. That doesn't count! T-Rex: And if it DOES count, why stop at a tractor? Utahraptor: Health and wellness? T-Rex: Forget that noise. I'm going to eat something way bigger and show that stupid tractor guy how it's done. What's something bigger than a tractor? The box the tractor comes in? Utahraptor: Um, a building? T-Rex: Perfect! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear audio diary! This afternoon found me with my mouth wrapped around the brick corner of the library, suddenly wondering if this was all life held for me. T-Rex: Later I had cupcakes! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1353 Narrator: SIMPLE WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE T-Rex: Here are some simple ways to improve your life! T-Rex: ... Don't die? Narrator: THE END Utahraptor: That really wasn't that helpful, T-Rex! T-Rex: I know, I know! T-Rex: But I don't HAVE any simple ways to improve lives! Try being lucky? Don't make bad decisions if you're about to do that? Always be healthy- um, somehow? Maybe don't be a crazy racist? Utahraptor: That one's not bad. T-Rex: EXCELLENT. Narrator: Later: Off-Panel: T-Rex, I feel like my life could be improved. Are there any ways I can improve it? T-Rex: Maybe you should stop being such a CRAZY RACIST?? Off-Panel: Yeah Off-Panel: People say that qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1354 T-Rex: Deus Ex Machina is the most excellent of all literary techniques because it's the only one where God shows up and says "Hey fellas, what the heck's going on?" and then solves all the problems. Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's technique: DEUS EX MACHINA T-Rex: And it doesn't even have to be God! ANYTHING that comes out of nowhere and solves all the problems counts! An early example is in Macbeth, where Lady Macbeth is TOTALLY GUILTY over the murder she masterminded, but then she remembers her time machine! Dromiceiomimus: What? T-Rex: Act V, Scene I? Lady Macbeth is all, "Out, damned spot!! Out, I say! Oh wait, here's my time machine!" Utahraptor: I'd like to know where you buy your plays. T-Rex: I'd like to know where you buy yours! T-Rex: EVERYONE knows that Macbeth ends with Lady Macbeth going back in time and stopping the murder, and then she and Macbeth go to the future, which is the 1800s, which is actually the past now. Utahraptor: Then what happens? T-Rex: Shakespeare spends pages wildly inaccurately describing life in the 1800s? Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! T-Rex: I'm glad you decided to add time machines to your plays, Shakespeare! Francis Bacon: i'm not shakespeare, i'm francis bacon! christopher marlowe: and I'M christopher marlowe! T-Rex: SURE YOU ARE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1355 Narrator: THE MYTH OF KING MIDAS T-Rex: Midas was a king who was nice to a friend of the God of Wine, and so he gets a wish from the God of Wine! NICE! And so Midas wishes that everything he touched would turn to gold. T-Rex: Instantly the ground he's standing on transforms into gold! T-Rex: The gold change races across the planet's surface and down into the mantle like a shockwave, transmuting it instantly. In seconds, the Earth's iron-nickel core becomes pure non-ferrous gold, and the planet's magnetic field is lost. Unshielded from solar wind, every living creature begins to absorb desperately fatal levels of radiation. The soft gold of the planetary crust is unable to sustain the weight placed upon it, and begins to buckle and distort. T-Rex: Midas watches in horror as his planet dies a golden death! Utahraptor: But not for long! Utahraptor: He's soon overcome by the terrible sensation of drowning on dry land: any air that touches his lungs is being transmuted on contact into tiny flecks of gold. He suffocates and dies as his lungs fill with the formerly precious metal. Utahraptor: Air that touches his cooling body continues to transmute, and he's soon covered in a fine golden layer of ash. T-Rex: The moral is not to make wishes like that, King Midas!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1356 T-Rex: Attention, people who are breaking up with someone! Don't say "it just wasn't meant to be", okay? T-Rex: You are greatly complicating your breakup! T-Rex: Because now instead of simply saying "hey listen for my tastes you are WAY too sassy" you are saying "hey listen okay there's this all-powerful invisible being who controls EVERYONE'S FATE and he's or she or it or they (it's hard to say and nobody really agrees) has got plans and intentions and a particular interest in us NOT being together." T-Rex: Occam's razor, people! OCCAM'S RAZOR. Utahraptor: You're saying that in a breakup, entities should not be multiplied without necessity? T-Rex: I AM. T-Rex: Besides, honesty can help the dumped person improve. They can say "maybe my sassiness IS at all-time highs!!" instead of saying "GEEZ I wish whoever controlled our fates would stop being such a DICK", saying "DICK" really loudly so the fate controlling entity is sure to hear. Utahraptor: "You don't need God to dump someone"? T-Rex: You don't need God to dump someone!! Oh my God, Utahraptor. Yes! God: T-REX God: I AM HAPPY TO HELP THOUGH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1357 T-Rex: So gravity happens because matter bends spacetime and blah blah blah. But dudes, I had a crazy idea! What if instead of gravity being a property of matter, it was a property of the ENTIRE FRIGGIN' UNIVERSE? T-Rex: Have all minds within the sound of my voice been COMPLETELY AND IRREVOCABLY BLOWN?? T-Rex: So check it: the universe is suffused with tiny invisible particles that travel in equal intensity from all directions. So if you were alone in the universe, you'd be hit equally from all directions and nothing would happen. But if there's a planet in front of you, then any particles coming from its direction are going to hit it instead and not you! So you're no longer in balance, and particles coming from BEHIND you will push you towards the planet. Utahraptor: And YOU'RE blocking a much smaller number of particles from hitting the planet, so it'll move a little towards you! T-Rex: Yes! Utahraptor: It's a fun theory, but if you're absorbing particles all the time, shouldn't you be gaining mass? T-Rex: No, because they're "#8212; massless? Utahraptor: Ah, so you'd be absorbing energy then. T-Rex: They're "#8212; energyless as well? Narrator: SOON, T-REX FINDS OUT THAT HIS GRAVITATIONAL THEORY HAS ALREADY BEEN PROPOSED BACK IN THE YEAR 1690! T-Rex: Everyone in the past needs to stop preemptively plagiarizing my ideas! T-Rex: I keep saying that but it keeps happening! It's total crap!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1358 T-Rex: I have a great idea for a comic you guys! [[Blank panel]] T-Rex: Okay so there's a single panel with three stand-up comics on stage, each in front of a microphone, talking and smiling, making gestures, that sort of thing. And in the foreground there's a guy in the audience who's whispering something to his friend, and the caption says "What's so funny 'bout Peace, Love, and Understanding?" Tada! Dromiceiomimus: ... T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, if you liked me you'd be laughing Utahraptor: The names of the comedians are like the title of that song? T-Rex: Yes! THAT IS WHY IT'S HILARIOUS!! Utahraptor: Hey, incidentally, I'M working on a comic where there's a man on his hands and knees looking under his couch and his wife is saying "Have you found your keys?" and he's saying "No, I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (My Keys)". T-Rex: ARGH Narrator: THE END qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1359 T-Rex: Oh my goodness I just figured out what I was meant to do with my life. I have discovered my CALLING. T-Rex: Body farm owner!! T-Rex: Forensic anthropologists want to study how bodies decompose in different circumstances! And so they go to their neighborhood BODY FARM, which is basically just a few acres of land surrounded by a fence and filled with DEAD AND DECOMPOSING BODIES. Some are out in the open, others are underwater or entombed or whatever! And scientists come and science up the joint, and I'LL be the guy who holds a torch under his face and says "Welcome to my farm of death and decay." T-Rex: I'd only say that sometimes, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: You'd only say it never! Utahraptor: There are tons of legal, ethical, and security issues you're not even considering! T-Rex: "Security issues"! What's better security than living in a house surrounded by CORPSES? "Oh hey, let's go steal the TV from the corpse house"? NOBODY HAS EVER SAID THAT, UTAHRAPTOR!! T-Rex: Honestly, Utahraptor. If you keep being so down on my body farm idea, when you die I might not let you decay out in the open on my front lawn! Utahraptor: T-Rex, what I am about to say, I say with all honesty. Utahraptor: In my heart of hearts, I truly thought we already had such an accord qwantz.com/index.php?comic=136 T-Rex: What is the point of going to sleep? I'm just going to wake up again! T-Rex: Wait! I'm a genius! T-Rex: With my nights freed up from the chore of sleep, I will become unstoppable! I'll have an extra eight hours to plan and scheme! T-Rex: I will stop sleeping right away! Tonight! T-Rex: Who knows what the future holds for me? Narrator: TWENTY YEARS LATER... Utahraptor: Want to come over for a slumber party? Utahraptor: Oh, sorry, I forgot how you never sleep. T-Rex: What the hell, man? T-Rex: It's been like twenty years! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1360 T-Rex: Okay so this game is called "Guess Two Thirds of the Average"! We all pick a number between 0 and 100 and guess what 2/3rds of the average of everyone else's guesses will be! T-Rex: The winner is the person who guesses the closest number! T-Rex: So let's say everyone else chose 100 - you'd want to choose 66.67, because that's 2/3rds of 100. But the catch is you all choose your numbers at the same time and don't tell the other players. Dromiceiomimus: So, 66.67 is really the ceiling - any number larger than that can't possibly win! T-Rex: Exactly! Utahraptor: But I can assume all the other players know this too, and won't guess higher than 66.67. T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: So in that case I should choose 2/3rds of THAT, which is - 44.44? T-Rex: But assuming the other players know that too... Utahraptor: ...then I keep taking 2/3rds off that number until I end up at 0. Utahraptor: Woo Narrator: LATER: From off-screen: Who here can name a game that sounds like it's way more fun than it actually is? T-Rex: GUESS TWO THIRDS OF THE AVERAGE GUESS TWO THIRDS OF THE AVERAGE!! T-Rex: PICK ME! T-Rex: GUESS TWO THIRDS OF THE AVERAGE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1361 T-Rex: Dudes! T-Rex: There are a lot of friggin' religions! T-Rex: And let's say you're a lady or fellow who thinks "Man, heaven sounds like okay times! I've GOT to get in on that action." But you're stymied, because which religion should you choose? There's like a billion different ones, and if you bet on the wrong horse then no heaven for you, chumpy! T-Rex: My friends, I have the solution: The T-Rex system! Utahraptor: Okay, I'll bite: what's the T-Rex system? T-Rex: You overlap each and every religion in a Venn diagram! T-Rex: THEN, you just look for the place of maximum overlap and follow the precepts there! Say you discover most religions say something like "Give to the poor": you know that by doing this, you're maximizing your Heaven Potential"#8482; for HUNDREDS of religions at once! Plus, you're not wasting time on CRAZY and UNPOPULAR precepts. Utahraptor [offscreen]: Um, what if the Judeo-Christian God exists and wants you to believe in no-one else but him? T-Rex: Um, here's another hypothetical for you, Utahraptor: WHAT IF ALL GODS EXIST AND WHEN YOU DIE YOU COULD SPEND YOUR TIME IN LIKE 80 BILLION HEAVENS AT ONCE?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1362 T-Rex: I have kissed a lady. I have seen PLENTY of beautiful sunsets. I've even driven a car through a fruit stand during a car chase! T-Rex: ...What's left? T-Rex: This, my friends, is the malaise of the glutton at life's buffet, The Man Who Achieved Too Much Too Soon. He looks ahead, his life not half over, and sees no more frontiers to conquer, no more challenges, no more surprises! All that remains is a slow slide into compromise and old age, the long December spent waiting for the day his mind and body finally fail. T-Rex: Then: death! Utahraptor: Hah! We're seriously talking about you here? Utahraptor: Hey, here's some things you've never done! you've never tried fugu, punched out a ghost, gotten married, eaten your way out of a whale, gone heli-skiing, or been shot at by a criminal, but then ran around the bullets at super speed, grabbed the criminal, and then ran back at super speed so that he could be shot by his own bullets. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX HAS DONE THESE THINGS: T-Rex: Well! T-Rex: I guess I could do them in ORDER... qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1363 Narrator: WHAT ARE ONE IN SEVEN CANADIANS UP TO? T-Rex: One in seven Canadians is living with a disability! T-Rex: But one in seven Canadians is ALSO productively employed in the agri-food industry! Dromiceiomimus: So they're not allowing a disability to affect their job performance! Nice. T-Rex: It's especially impressive after I tell you that one in seven Canadians is... A SENIOR CITIZEN!! Utahraptor: Wow, they're doing a lot for their age! T-Rex: But it's not all sunshine and roses, Utah-raptor. T-Rex: One in seven Canadians also has alcohol-related problems, suffers from insomnia, arthritis, skin cancer, AND has seriously considered suicide. Utahraptor: Yikes. T-Rex: Don't worry! One in seven Canadians will die of an infectious disease before they can suicide! PLUS they'll leave money to charity! Narrator: THIS COMIC IS DEDICATED TO ONE IN SEVEN CANADIANS Narrator: THANKS FOR TAKING IT FOR THE TEAM? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1364 T-Rex: Zombies versus vampires! They're the new pirates versus ninjas verses ants that combined themselves together to form the shape of a giant ant! T-Rex: And the question is: who would win in a fight? T-Rex: Unfortunately the question is ridiculous because zombies and vampires have no reason to be fighting. vampires drink blood and zombie blood is all decayed and pooling in their feet. They wouldn't be interested! Correspondingly, zombies eat brains and vampires - T-Rex: - okay maybe they would fight sometimes. Utahraptor: And zombies would win, obviously! T-Rex: Obviously!! T-Rex: If you're bitten by a zombie then you become a zombie, so all the vampires would eventually be vampire zombies! Utahraptor: Except if you're bitten by a vampire you become a vampire, so all the zombies would eventually become vampires. T-Rex: Utahraptor! Utahraptor: T-Rex! T-Rex and Utahraptor: This is the poignant example of the futility of war that we've ever seen!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1365 T-Rex: I wonder what it's like being a ghost. Immortality coupled with incorporeality seems like a potent combination! Is it TRULY 24/7 party times? T-Rex: There's one way to find out! Narrator: "A TALK WITH GOD" T-Rex: Excuse me, God! What's being a ghost like? God: WHAT I AM NOT A GHOST T-REX T-Rex: Okay but what's the difference between you and a ghost then? God: THE DIFFERENCE IS THAT WHEN I SAY "BOO" PEOPLE GET TOTALLY SPOOKED God: LISTEN God: THAT WAS A BAD EXAMPLE God: LISTEN ANOTHER DIFFERENCE IS THAT I CAN CREATE UNIVERSES T-Rex: I've no evidence that ghosts can't do that! Utahraptor: Huh? T-Rex: I was saying, I don't have any evidence that ghosts can't create universes. Maybe they just CHOOSE not to, you know? Maybe they've got enough hassles without adding a whole new UNIVERSE on top of them. Utahraptor: Huh? T-Rex: Nevermind! T-Rex: God, it would be more convenient for me if other people could hear you. God: T-REX IT WOULD BE MORE CONVENIENT FOR ME IF YOU WEREN'T SO SASSY T-Rex: God! We will DEFINITELY have to agree to differ on that one!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1366 T-Rex: Cave painting: check. Renaissance-era painting: check. Astrolabe from the Age of Discovery stuffed inside my computer: check! T-Rex: It appears I have finished decorating my house! Dromiceiomimus: That's a pretty eclectic set of decorations! T-Rex: It is! But here's my angle: let's say there's a catastrophe and everyone dies. When Future Folks dig up my house, I will throw their historical understanding into chaos! They will say "HOW COULD A CAVE MAN OWN A RENAISSANCE-ERA PAINTING AND A COMPUTER WITH AN ASTROLABE STUFFED IN IT?! FRIG. HISTORY IS RUINED, YOU GUYS." Utahraptor: Or they could simply deduce that someone collected these things from the past! T-Rex: They might! T-Rex: But THEN worst case they'll think, "Wait, nevermind: THIS dude just had supremely excellent taste!!" Utahraptor: So either you want to destroy a future generation's idea of history, or be remembered for your skills at interior decoration. T-Rex: Yeah, either way I win! Narrator: EPILOGUE: YEARS LATER, T-REX IS MOSTLY REMEMBERED FOR THE ONE TIME HE SAID "WHICH ONE OF YOU JERKS POURED A COFFEE IN MY HAT?" T-Rex: Attention, future generations! T-Rex: I'm still calling that a win! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1367 T-Rex: The best way to revenge yourself on an animal is to eat it. T-Rex: Everyone knows it but they leave it to ME to say it out loud! T-Rex: And this is the problem with vegetarians!! If a cow sasses me, I can say "Oh yeah? Well guess what, wise guy?! I will use your flesh for digestive energy." But vegetarians just take it! And then cows have no idea who they can get away with sassing, and let's face it they're not the smartest pickles in the fountain, so they sass EVERYONE and then I end up eating a lot of beef. T-Rex: It's not that big a problem. Utahraptor: I find it doubtful that you've ever revenged yourself on animals in such a way! T-Rex: You haven't? T-Rex: Utahraptor, it's so SATISFYING. You're like "My feelings are hurt, but soon I'll be full of meat. Wow, I feel better already!!" Utahraptor: What, you hang around farms and wait for some imagined insult? T-Rex: Okay, you're coming with me and we're going to sneak onto a farm. Narrator: 45 MINUTES LATER T-Rex: HOLY CRAP SHEEP HAVE RECTANGULAR PUPILS!! T-Rex: WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL T-Rex: AHHHHH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1368 T-Rex: "T-Rex," she said "I'm in love with you." She gazed into his eyes, smiling. "I thought differently about it, and it's DEFINITELY because you're so handsome and intelligent." T-Rex: T-Rex laughed! T-Rex: "Baby," he replied, "it's also because I am sexy and loveable and smart and manly and sexy." She was nodding. He paused, looked around, and then whispered, "I put 'sexy' in twice because I'm - " " -twice as sexy" she whispered back, the two of them whispering it together. She knew that he was twice as sexy as a regular sexy man. That was probably a good thing for their relationship, he decided. Better that she know now, than be suprised down the road! Utahraptor: Suddenly she threw up on T-Rex, over and over until he was drenched in digestive fluid! T-Rex: No! That's not what happened! T-Rex: Um - "That's not what happened," she said, wiping her mouth. T-Rex realized it wasn't vomit, it was - Utahraptor: - ultravomit, a new form of vomit that was digesting him alive! As his skin began to dissolve, T-Rex's face melted, slid down the side of his neck, and plopped onto the ground. Narrator: FOR SOME REASON T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR PUBLISH THEIR COLLABORATIVE STORY! IT GOES STRAIGHT TO NUMBER 1 T-Rex: Woo! Narrator: WHEN SORTED BY REVERSE POPULARITY T-Rex: awww daaaang qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1369 T-Rex: People say to me, "T-Rex, what do you want for Christmas?" This year I have the perfect gift idea! T-Rex: Peace on Earth! T-Rex: I'm serious! People SAY this a lot, but they're always adding a "oh hey if that doesn't work out remote controlled cars are just as awesome", which, WHILE TRUE, also supplies an out! By only asking for peace, I'm forcing my entire network of friends to try to get it for me! It turns negative consumerism into Positive World Change, PLUS, if anyone pulls it off I get to raise my hand in the new utopia and say "Awesome! This was my idea." Utahraptor: So you want world peace with none of the work and all of the credit! T-Rex: Yes please! T-Rex: Utahraptor, it's CHRISTMAS. If you told me what you wanted I would get it for you, no questions asked! And I'm telling you I want world peace. Utahraptor: So listen, I might just get you a towel. T-Rex: Peace please!! Utahraptor: T-Rex, it's December 18th! Even if I knew how, that's not much time to convince the entire planet to hug. T-Rex: Utahraptor T-Rex: It's CHRISTMAS qwantz.com/index.php?comic=137 T-Rex: Where do babies come from? T-Rex: An excellent course of inquiry! T-Rex: Solving this mystery will put to rest many of the niggling mysteries of my creation! I will finally have an "origin story"! Utahraptor: You want to know where babies come from? T-Rex: I do! Utahraptor: Are you sure? It's pretty...biological. T-Rex: Please! Fill me in! Narrator: SHORTLY... T-Rex: MOM did that? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1370 T-Rex: I need to get the best present EVER for Utahraptor this year. And that present is clearly, a - um... a... Narrator: HERE IS WHERE IT ALL GOES WRONG: T-Rex: A spouse!! T-Rex: It's the best gift! If things go well then years later people will say "How did you two meet?" and he can say "T-Rex hooked us up for Chistmas! BEST GIFT EVER!!" and then they can high five! Dromiciomimus: Yeah, but when it goes poorly, your gift is nothing but an INCREDIBLY AWKWARD BOXIND DAY. T-Rex: I'm doing it!! Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: So I got the link you emailed me, T-Rex! T-Rex: Yes! God on...! Utahraptor: It's a dating profile for me, using a picture taken through my kitchen window. My hair colour is given as "bald but kool", my age as "about my age, I'd say", and my interests as "spouses" and "ASCII art thumbs up" and then the rest of my profile is this enormous ASCII art thumbs up. T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex: Upon closer inspection that was actually more a gift for me than Utahraptor qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1371 Narrator: WIKIPEDIA HAS BECOME A REAL PERSON! T-Rex: Yes, I don't know how it happened but it's true! Wikipedia is a woman now. T-Rex: And she's super smart, too! T-Rex: You ask her about frogs, and bam! She knows ALL ABOUT THEM. And then you ask her about trains, and she's all, "Did you mean the band? The album? THE BAVARIAN VILLAGE??"and I'm like, "All of them, I guess!" It's great. It's kind like dating God! Dromiceiomimus: I - you're dating her? Narrator: BUT SOON: Utahraptor: So hey, how are things going with that Wikipedia lady? T-Rex: Utahraptor! Awful!! T-Rex: We were in bed and I kissed her, and I asked her about herself, right? To set the mood? And she swore at me, but then she took it back, and then she yelled "HITLER WAS RIGHT", but then she took it back, and then she showed me a picture of a wiener, but then I said "You know what I think I'm done asking about you." T-Rex: Later I asked her about Christmas and she told me Santa wasn't real qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1372 T-Rex: Today is the day I bring back the word "daffy"! God: LIKE THE DUCK T-Rex: NO NOT LIKE THE DUCK T-Rex: It means "crazy"! T-Rex: And it USED to be a good adjective, until Daffy Duck showed up and stole it and now when I say "daffy" everyone thinks "duck"! He only wants the adjective for himself! He got GREEDY. Dromiceiomimus: But Daffy's his name! Shouldn't we think of him when we hear it? T-Rex: There's plenty of guys named "Bob", but I can still float in a volume of water without everyone suddenly reminiscencing about those dudes! Utahraptor: So, if I can summarize: you're mad at a fictional character. T-Rex: Yes! No. T-Rex: Look, I just want to be able to use "daffy" again. I want to say, "What a daffy car that is!" and have nobody get that far-off "Huh, I wonder if they're still putting Daffy Duck on mugs" look in their eyes. Utahraptor: I- T-Rex: YES THEY ARE STILL PUTTING DAFFY DUCK ON MUGS Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I AM MAKING MY OWN DAFFY DUCK MUGS WHERE WHEN YOU PUT HOT LIQUID IN IT IT SAYS "DAFFY IS ALSO AN ADJECTIVE AND NOT JUST A DUCK" T-Rex: ALSO T-Rex: I SHOUTED TOO MUCH AND MY VOICE GOT STUCK THIS WAY qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1379 Heading: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Our letter to Professor Science comes from me! I write: T-Rex: "Dear Professor: How do I know which food that I ate got turned into my eyes?" T-Rex: I really thought I wrote that one better. Wow. T-Rex: Anyway, what I meant was this: how do we know what food we ate contributed to which parts of our bodies? Put simply, Professor, last week I ate a salami sandwich. I have but one simple question: IS THAT SALAMI NOW MY BRAIN?? Utahraptor: Well, I imagine proteins are digested and used in different ways! T-Rex: Unsatisfactory!! T-Rex: I want to know precisely where my meals will end up before I eat them! You know what my dream is? My dream is to pick out a lobster in a tank and say "Oh, I'll have that one, the one on the right. Yes. Have him boiled; I will consume his flesh. I will turn him into eyeballs." Utahraptor: Huh. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I have a new science question, Professor!! T-Rex: Is "#8212; T-Rex: Is it wrong to want things that are terrible? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=138 T-Rex: I was thinking about my grade-school days last night, and I realized I couldn't remember most of the people who were in my classes! T-Rex: I've forgotten pretty much everyone who didn't go on to the same school as I did! T-Rex: This has raised some pretty profound questions for me. First off, it seems evident that I have finite space in my brain, and things are getting erased. T-Rex: The problem is, I don't have any control - conscious at least - over what gets deleted and what stays. Utahraptor: And you're concerned because you don't know who you are if you can't even trust your memories, right? T-Rex: Right. I'd say a good part of who a person is comes from their experiences - but if they are forgotten, where does that leave the person? Utahraptor: I suppose this comes down to whether or not you believe there is some essential part of you, something more than the sum of your experiences. T-Rex: There's only one way to find out! It seems that, once again, I will have to contract... T-Rex: AMNESIA! Narrator: TO BE CONTINUED... qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1380 T-Rex: I found out about the best word yesterday: "frigorific"! It means "cold". With this word I can now finally say the sentence, "DAAAAMN, girlfriend, that was totally frigorific!" T-Rex: I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT SENTENCE. Dromiceiomimus: "Frigorific" is actually old news, T-Rex! It was Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day last - Thursday, I think? T-Rex: You know what? Screw those guys, man! I don't even care if it WAS their Word of the Day last week. It's my Word of the Day TODAY. T-Rex: Anyway, who trusts a Word of the Day chosen by the publisher of a DICTIONARY? Utahraptor: Basically everyone? T-Rex: It's ridiculous! It's like asking Kellogg's what their Cereal of the Day is. Hey, here's a hint! I BET IT'LL BE A CEREAL MANUFACTURED BY KELLOGG'S! Utahraptor: But M-W will obviously choose words in the dictionary! T-Rex: THEIR dictionary, not THE dictionary! There's like 80 billion words they've never heard about. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: See? I couldn't find "sexplosive", "mathemagician", "backne" OR "ambisextrous"! Utahraptor: I'm pretty sure my life is better without those words. T-Rex: Utahraptor! No one has ever said that about "ambisextrous". qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1381 T-Rex: Okay so we've all evolved from lesser beings and in order to continue the species, we have a genetic imperative to reproduce! T-Rex: And this is PROBABLY why sexin' is fun times! T-Rex: And I'm told that when you hold your newborn child in your arms for the first time, this is a transcendental and joyous life-changing event. Sure, fine! I TOTALLY BELIEVE YOU. But why are these pleasures just related to reproduction? Why can't I have the joy of having a child without actually HAVING to have the child? T-Rex: It's my understanding that children are really expensive, you guys!! Utahraptor: I don't see what kind of shortcut, you're going for here! T-Rex: Genetic Engineering! It's SO EASY. T-Rex: let's just replace the biological imperative to reproduce! Let's give ourselves the same joy and wonder from an egg sammich as we get from first holding our child in our arms! Let's make gum as deeply fulfilling as watching your child graduate top of the class, Dean's list, summa cum laude. Bubblegum flavour. Utahraptor: So your ideal future is one where everyone's weeping over their Whoppers with Cheese, and nobody's having sex? T-Rex: Who said anything about not having sex? The whole point is you can do both at the same time! T-Rex: "Boo hoo this is tasty boo hoo I'm also enjoying this sex as well"? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1382 T-Rex: I am a generous guy! If someone wants to go in front of me in traffic, I slow down and let them in. T-Rex: But it's all an act! T-Rex: I let someone cut in front of me for two reasons: because I figure this way it's more likely they'll do the same for me in the future, and because I recognize that it helps the traffic system as a whole. But this isn't generosity, it's greed! It's well-presented greed. It's me selfishly wanting to get around quickly so BADLY that I'll sacrifice the short term for the long term. Utahraptor: So you think you're not actually a good person! T-Rex: I'm not! T-Rex: I'll ask if you want the last piece of pie before I take it, but again: that's just me selfishly wanting friends and knowing that actually showing my greediness impedes that. Otherwise I'd be gobbling it like crazy! Utahraptor: Well, even if it's an act, at least you're pretending! Tons of folks won't even do that. T-Rex: That's true! And... and that means as long as they're still around, then I'm NOT the worst person ever! Oh my God, now I have a perfectly selfish reason to be thankful for all the jerks! T-Rex: You're SUCH a good friend, Utahraptor! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1383 Narrator: T-REX HAS BECOME A RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLOR. T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: It's not that hard, you guys! T-Rex: Someone comes in and says "Boo hoo I have trouble with one or more of my RELATIONSHIPS", and what do I say? I say "How does that make you feel?" and they say "Sad" and I say "But talking about it makes you feel better, right?" and they say "A little, I guess" and I say "Excellent! CASE CLOSED." T-Rex: When I say "Case closed" I make eye contact, take off my glasses, and dramatically slam closed the book I'm holding. Utahraptor: You don't wear glasses! T-Rex: I wear them when I'm a relationship counsellor, silly! Utahraptor: This whole thing is so implausible! How did you suddenly become a counsellor? Where do your customers come from? T-Rex: From bad relationships, obviously! Utahraptor: HOW DO THEY HEAR ABOUT YOUR SERVICES? T-Rex: VIA THEIR EARS, I WOULD IMAGINE?? T-Rex [[thinking]]: I am drumming up business for myself qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1384 T-Rex: Everyone, there's no need for all this fussin' and a-feudin'! T-Rex: Oil is totally a renewable resource! T-Rex: We just have to give it time, okay? We'll all go and do something else for a while, when we come back there'll be oil EVERYWHERE. The place will be rotten with it, and then we can stuff that into our cars, okay? Utahraptor: Is this "I am techically accurate but not practical" day? T-Rex: Of course not! T-Rex: Today is "What would things be like if we had lifespans of millions of years? Guys, let's pretend" day. Utahraptor: Ah. So we're still burning through oil much faster than it's being formed. T-Rex: Only if you're not participating in today's theme!! T-Rex: Hey, since we live for millions of years, let's go make some staggeringly beautiful art that can only be created by synthesizing thousands of years of experience, hopes, fears, triumphs and failures into one transcendental expression of life! Utahraptor: I need to be home by 7 qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1385 T-Rex: Let's say you're playing chess with someone, and suddenly they have a fatal heart attack. This is the best possible way to win, you guys! T-Rex: You have kicked their ass at chess so HARD that they DIED. T-Rex: It doesn't matter if you were losing when they kicked the bucket: you've still won with the best finishing move possible! And what's more, your victory is SO AWESOME that it completely overshadows everything your opponent ever accomplished during his life! People will say, "Sure, that guy may have CURED CANCER, but he lost so badly at chess that he died." EVERY VERSION OF HIS OBITUARY WILL END WITH "CHECKMATE." Utahraptor: Every time we play chess, you're hoping that I die!! T-Rex: I'm not! T-Rex: Okay, I am. But it's a small hope! Utahraptor: Yeah, a small hope I'll be dead and gone and remembered as "The Guy Who Was So Upset When He Lost His Queen That His Heart Stopped Beating"! T-Rex: Yes! Exactly! T-Rex: I'm not a terrible person, Utahraptor! If you died playing chess I'd be sad, obviously! But also happy, because I KICKED YOUR ASS STRAIGHT TO THE GRAVE. T-Rex: ...Let us pause here and remember how truth and honesty are the foundation of any social relationship? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1386 T-Rex: What is love? Love is "a strong positive emotion of regard and affection". It was a silly question to ask because the answer is right there in the dictionary! T-Rex: But that's too easy. We have to complicate up that business! T-Rex: Maybe we'll insist that love can't be defined, that it's beyond the reach of rational thought, that we fall in and out of love in a way that is completely beyond our control. All we can do is hope for the best and hold on for the ride, because it's Cupid's arrow straight through the heart, striking anywhere at any time! It's a lot like an axe murderer, or a brain aneurysm. Or a stroke. Or dementia. T-Rex: Love is just a feeling! A CHEMICAL STATE. We don't need to deify it! Utahraptor: So romantic! T-Rex: I've got nothing against romance! You can still be romantic while maintaining that love is an understandable emotion. Just be rational! And don't do tons of stupid stuff and use "I was in love!" as the justification. That's not love: that's responsibility deflection. A voice outside the picture: So you're completely rational about love? You keep any non-sciency feelings out of it, walking around town saying "this person is acceptable; I will proceed to love them. Love begins in 3, 2, 1, - now." T-Rex: Excuse me! T-Rex: I just THINK that qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1387 T-rex: So it turns out that there's different kinds of love. T-rex: I know! Who knew? T-rex: There's ROMANTIC LOVE, but there's also the love you feel for a family member, an activity, religious love, a sandwich, and so on. And we call all these "love", which maybe is why people are so confused about it! What we need are DIFFERENT words for each of these feelings. Utahraptor: Like other languages! T-rex: Aw man! Other languages already stole my idea? Utahraptor: Long ago, actually! Ancient Greek had words for passionate love (eros), dispassionate love (philia), the love of family (storge), general affection (agape), and so on. Versions of these survive in modern Greek as well! T-rex: Aha, but still no sandwich love! Narrator: EVERY DAY EACH OF US SAYS THE DUMBEST THING WE ARE GOING TO SAY THAT DAY. T-rex: Hey, maybe the ancient Greeks all died out and evolved into current Greeks PRECISELY BECAUSE they didn't have a word for "sandwich love"?? Narrator: T-REX IS GETTING HIS OUT OF THE WAY EARLY. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1388 T-Rex: I am a fan of knowing things! Generally, the more things you know, the better prepared you are for someone asking "Hey, do you know all about 18th century literature?" T-Rex: Because then if you know about 18th century literature you can punch them aside and say "OBVIOUSLY!" T-Rex: But it occurs to me there are situations where ignorance is bliss! For example, imagine if you knew all about how the worst moment of your life would go down. You'd spend a bunch of your time saying "Aw dang, that's STILL going to suck!" Dromiceiomimus: Or maybe you'd say "I'm glad my current circumstances aren't as bad as THAT!" or "Now that THAT'S over, things have nowhere to go but up!" T-Rex: True. Okay, but say you knew the BEST moment of your life! Utahraptor: Something to look forward to! T-Rex: Okay, but say it's passed, so it's all downhill from here on out. Utahraptor: Still, maybe you've got a bunch of tied-for-second moments, and I bet all those combined are better than one single best moment! T-Rex: FINE. God: T-REX KNOWING EVERYTHING IS NOT ACTUALLY THAT GREAT T-Rex: I knew it!! Why? God: WELL I KNOW EXACTLY 217 PEOPLE ARE CURRENTLY PLANNING TO SNIFF THEIR OWN POO AND CLAIM IT WAS AN "ACCIDENT" God: WHICH I GUESS ISN'T THAT MUCH FOR AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE ACTUALLY qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1389 T-Rex: You know who hasn't written a screenplpay for a while? God: MOST PEOPLE T-Rex: But especially me!! T-Rex: And that's going to change right now! T-Rex: Okay, so the scene opens in a spaceship and it's the future! The ship is this huge mechanical leviathan, all pipes and metal catwalks, unfriendly, imposing. And it's drifting in deep space! The engines have overloaded and blown up. This is all explained in the opening musical montage, set to "Louie Louie"! Dromiceiomimus: It's comedy? T-Rex: Um, no! It's science fiction DRAMA. "Louie Louie" is just a really good song. T-Rex: So after this dramatic montage we're on the bridge, where the Captain is! Utahraptor: What's his story? T-Rex: Well, he's a gruff man, but he knows his spaceships. His name? Captain Flannigan O'Spaceships. Utahraptor: Captain O'Spaceships. T-Rex: Yes. He's yelling "Status!" and there's a dramatic strings version of "Red Red Wine" playing. It's a very tense scene! Narrator: LATER: HOLLYWOOD! Offscreen: Kid, most screenplays are written down, not described verbally. T-Rex: True! But sir, I think you'll find that you're forced to agree: THIS ISN'T MOST SCREENPLAYS. Offscreen: If I agree that doesn't mean i have to produce it though right? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=139 T-rex: If I want to know for sure who I am, I have to find out if I'm the same person when I don't have all my memories. I need to contract amnesia! T-rex: Time for a severe non-penetrative blow to the head! T-rex: But I'll have to be careful about this. I want TEMPORARY amnesia; I don't want to end up not remembering anything ever again! T-rex: Hmmm. T-rex: Maybe soliciting a concussive blow to the head isn't the best idea I've ever had. T-rex: I COULD get temporary amnesia from a sudden, disturbing realization, but- Utahraptor: T-rex! God must either be dead or uncaring! Utahraptor: Sorry, was that to eager? Utahraptor: Running up behind you like that? Utahraptor: Too eager? Utahraptor: T-rex? T-rex: W-who am I? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1390 T-Rex: All funny t-shirts use the same unmodified t-shirt canvas: T-Rex: Slogan on the front! And maybe on the back sometimes! T-Rex: Forget that, man! Let's kick it up a notch or two! Let's break free of our self-imposed t-shirt boundaries. Dromiceiomimus: How? Funny sweaters? Funny evening gowns? Funny HOSIERY? T-Rex: Layers, Dromiceiomimus! SEQUENCES. T-Rex: Beneath an "I'M WITH STUPID" shirt, wear another one that says "NO, NOT REALLY". Utahraptor: Handy in case Stupid gets mad! T-Rex: Exactly! And beneath that, another shirt that says "IF I WAS STANDING NEXT TO A VISIBLE MINORITY WITH THE OTHER SHIRT I DIDN'T MEAN IT AND I APOLOGIZE!!" Beneath that, "YOU GUYS, I'M NOT ACTUALLY RACIST"; Beneath that, "IT WAS JUST THE UNFORTUNATE JUXTAPOSITION OF MY SHIRT FROM 4 SHIRTS AGO AND A PERSON" T-Rex: I was inspired when I saw a racist person stripping! T-Rex: I thought, wow, if only they'd been wearing the shirts I just invented. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1391 T-Rex: Most of Shakespeare's life is a mystery! People spend their time reading his plays and saying "Man, this guy has dudes sailing from cities that are days away from large bodies of water." T-Rex: "He must not have known geography that well!" T-Rex: "Therefore... he must not have travelled that much! I HAVE UNCOVERED A FACT ABOUT SHAKESPEARE'S LIFE!" and then they're happy. Dromiceiomimus: But that's because there's not much we actually know about Shakespeare's life. T-Rex: That's exactly my point! We're RECONSTRUCTING it from hints, subtext, deduction and innuendo from his works. I CAN USE THIS. Utahraptor: How? T-Rex: In my own life! T-Rex: I'll write plays that HINT at how great I am, how smart and sexy and awesome everyone finds me. Then I just excise every other mention of myself from history, and the plays are the only source left! They're the only way to learn about the towering mind behind them, this Adonis of authors, this... T-Rex. Utahraptor: But what if your play sucks and nobody wants to know ANYTHING about its author? T-Rex: Please. My first play is called "The Motorist Who Spewed Racial Epithets While Also Spewing Vomit"! T-Rex: (It was inspired by an actual motorist I felt terrible about AND for!) qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1392 T-Rex: So, God! God: HEY WHAT'S UP T-Rex: I was wondering, what happens when you die? God: UM God: PRETTY SURE I GET TO LIVE FOREVER T-Rex: No no, I mean, what happens when the RHETORICAL "you" dies? God: WE ALL START SPEAKING MORE PRECISELY T-Rex: What happens to ME when I die? Me. Myself! God: I DO BELIEVE YOU GET BRAINED BY A TEAP CUP T-Rex: Argh! Never try to have a theological discussion with God! Utahraptor: I never do! Utahraptor: In fact, I don't try to have theological discussions, period! Debating something that boils down to "I believe this despite an absence of proof" is not my idea of fun times. T-Rex: ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DIE Utahraptor: ...Don't you get brained by a teacup? T-Rex: Alright, that's it. Attention, everyone! I have an announcement to make! I don't know when people started using "brain" as a verb, but i find I am forced to give it my full endorsement!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1393 T-Rex: I think it would be a great idea to write a really convincing essay praising plagiarism, and have significant parts of it plagiarized. Hilarious! T-Rex: Looks like this Thursday morning just got filled up!! T-Rex: Ahem. Plagiarizing is the act of plagiarizing; taking someone's words or ideas as if they were your own! That's from the dictionary, Dromiceiomimus. I plagiarized it! Dromiceiomimus: At what point does plagiarism begin, though? When defining a word, especially in brief, it's possible you'd hit on the exact same word structure as someone else. That's not plagiarism, that's just "#8211;independent invention! Utahraptor: Yeah, and if you say "I'm hungry", you're not plagiarizing everyone who's said it before! T-Rex: FINE. T-Rex: "How do I love plagiarism? Let me count the ways." Utahraptor: Well, there you're using a poem so famous I'd argue it doesn't need citation. It's a reference! People will get it. T-Rex: Ah! You mean like "Plagiarism: the final frontier"? T-Rex: "But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Plagiarism is the sun"? T-Rex: "Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, plagiarizing, fearing"? Utahraptor: I feel like maybe you're not sure what plagiarism is qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1394 T-Rex: Any machine that travels through time has to be a machine that travels through space as well! I've been saying this for years. T-Rex: Because dudes, the Earth is spinning on its axis! T-Rex: And it's whipping around the sun, and the sun is rotating in the arm of a galaxy that's also whipping around the Universe. You go back in time without travelling through space, you're likely to find yourself alone in the vacuum, millions of kilometers behind the Earth you left a (relative) instant ago! Utahraptor: Perhaps! But this problem only comes up if you're not the centre of the Universe. T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: If you're not the centre of the Universe, then you're perched on an Earth that's whipping through space, and sure, there's problems from that. But if you ARE the centre of the Universe, then everything's revolving around you! You can go through time without worry, because you'll always arrive right where you started. T-Rex: Oh, wow! This means that if we can travel through time, then we can also SCIENTIFICALLY PROVE whether of not someone is actually the centre of the Universe. T-Rex: Science keeps surprising me in surprising new ways! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1395 T-Rex: So let's say I'm a painter, and I've studied really hard and I've worked really hard and I've become one of the best painters in the world. Hooray! Except there's one problem: T-Rex: There's nowhere to go but down! T-Rex: I've got no new frontiers to challenge! Do I quit while I'm ahead? That seems like a waste of all effort. or do I power throgh and continue painting as my body begins to fail, trying to recall my earlier successes as my work inevitably declines, sliding towards self-parody? Utahraptor: I think that's egotistical and false dichotomy! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: Just because you've conquered everything about painting TODAY doesn't mean you've also conquered everything about painting in the future. You're in privileged position of a master painter: from that high vantage point, maybe you can see where the medium can go next! T-Rex: I have a confession, Utahraptor! T-Rex: I was 10 the last I painted! And it was muscley dog doing the splits. And I'm sure Leonardo could have painted it better. And I'm pretty sure I'm talking about the Ninja Turtle there. T-Rex: Aaaaand now I'm certain of it. I am speaking of the ninja teen. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1396 T-Rex: It's Tuesday, everyone! Let's talk about our bodies!! T-Rex: Wooooo T-Rex: Okay, my body is big AND tall AND it has many hidden surprises. I wonder which one YOU'LL discover next? Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone who describes their own body as "surprising". T-Rex: It's not "Oh gosh oh gosh I didn't know that smell could exist" 24/7! There's good surprises too! Utahraptor: You really think your body is perfect, don't you? T-Rex: Honestly, I don't see any flaws! Utahraptor: Really? Because if you had wings on your back, that would look incredible in this amazing death metal sort of way, and they might even give you limited flight abilities. I'd say that's MORE perfect! I'd say it's so much more perfect, in fact, that their absence becomes an almost palpable flaw. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I used to be better at imagination qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1397 T-Rex: If I had lived in the past I'd have different beliefs, because I'd have nobody modern around me to teach me anything else! T-Rex: FACT. T-Rex: And I find it really unlikely that I would come up with all our modern good stuff on my own, running around saying "YOU GUYS! DEMOCRACY IS PRETTY OKAY. ALSO, WOMEN ARE EQUAL TO MEN, AND RACISM? KIND OF A DICK MOVE!". If I was raised by racist and sexist parents in the middle of a racist and sexist society, I'm pretty certain I'd be racist and sexist! I'm only as enlightened as I am today because I've stood on the shoulders of giants. Utahraptor: I'm pretty certain that you're right! T-Rex: Okay, good! T-Rex: But that doesn't make me a terrible person, right? We're judging the past by the standard of the present. Utahraptor: Right. T-Rex: Right. So that raises the question: IS EVERYONE FROM THAT PERIOD IN HELL, OR IS HEAVEN OVERWHELMINGLY POPULATED BY RACISTS?! God: T-REX LISTEN THIS IS WHY I DON'T THINK ABOUT RELIGION THAT HARD T-Rex: Don't you mean, "This is why YOU shouldn't think about religion that hard"? God: MAN God: EITHER WAY qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1398 T-Rex: I have been assuming that our development as a people is linear, moving generally from less to more permissive. It occurs to me: T-Rex: Maybe that isn't always the case! T-Rex: Maybe 100 years from now people will look back on us and say "MAN I can't believe they permitted lifestyles different than my own, current lifestyle. Sheesh!" Dromiceiomimus: Or maybe they'll look back and be aghast at all the animals we kill and eat for food? T-Rex: Aw man, do you really think so? Frig, I'd be TOTALY POOCHED. I've eaten so many friggin' animals! Utahraptor: Most of us have though! T-Rex: Yeah, but I'm totally the worst. T-Rex: Future folks can munch on a carrot, look back on us and say "They were wrong to eat so many tasty animals." FINE. But then when they see the caliber, frequency and verve of MY animal consumption, they'll spit out their carrots in surprise! And teh carrot chunks are 99% guaranteed to spell out the words "HISTORY'S GREATEST VILLAIN"! Utahraptor: Come on! Our culture COULD end up swinging towards rampant fleshotarianism instead. T-Rex: That's true. Man! T-Rex: The future having different opinions than the present is making it REALLY HARD for me to be popular across all possible timelines. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1399 Narrator: ADVENTURES IN METAPHORS! T-Rex: Hey everyone, let's kick up our metaphors a notch, okay? It's time for 800-pound gorillas to become 1000-pound gorillas! T-Rex: 10,000-pound gorillas!! T-Rex: It's time for us to do things three-quarters assed. Or deci-assed. If we're doing something femto-assed then why are we even doing it at all? Domiceiomimus: It's time for us to not just break the ice, but smash it? T-Rex: We can do whatever we want, Dromiceiomimus! We can gently tap on the ice. We can rub our cheeks on the ice. WE CAN SMASH THROUGH THE ICE WITH A SUPERHEATED NUCLEAR BOMB!! Utahraptor: I don't see how this engenders effective communication. T-Rex: And I don't see how that's possible! T-Rex: We will not be "rolling in dough", Utahraptor. We will be SNOWBOARDING down MOUNTAINS of dough. Dough will splash up and get in our eyes. We will have to go to the doctor, and we will say, "You can keep what you pull out of my eyes, Doc. These days I'm snowboarding down mountains of the stuff." Narrator: LATER: ADVENTURES IN FRIENDSHIP! T-Rex: Why didn't he compliment my metaphor qwantz.com/index.php?comic=14 T-Rex: Forget it! All these personal revelations have left me baffled, disoriented. Values are baseless and nothing can be known or communicated! T-Rex: I believe this is called "nihilism". T-Rex: When we abandon illusions, life is revealed as nothing! It is nothing short of absurd! T-Rex: There is no objective order to the world: all values are baseless and reasoning is impotent! T-Rex: Destruction is the natural response to such a metaphysical collapse! T-Rex: GoodBYE, house! T-Rex: It is futile to do one's best in an absurd world! Utahraptor: Wait! Utahraptor: IS it not true that a "cheerful nihilism" can carry the day, distinguished by an easy-going acceptance of meaninglessness? There is no need for such physical and psychological destruction. Utahraptor: Consider that! T-Rex: If we accept that all perspectives are equally non-binding, then intellectual or moral arrogance will determine which perspective has precedence! T-Rex: MY APOCALYPTIC TENOR HAS NOT BEEN DISPELLED! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=140 Narrator: AMNESIA: T-Rex: I can't remember a thing about myself! T-Rex: Therefore, I will use deduction to determine my role and place in society. T-Rex: Judging by this well-conditioned body - including thighs - and coupled with what I feel intuitively to be an impressive intellect, I can be one thing and one thing alone! T-Rex: An astronaut. Utahraptor: You're not an astronaut. T-Rex: I'm not? Utahraptor: No! Utahraptor: You are a Tyrannosaurus Rex. T-Rex: Seriously? Utahraptor: Yep. Utahraptor: Seriously. T-Rex: Kick ass! T-Rex: That's good too! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1400 T-Rex: What's so great about being an adult? T-Rex: Let's consider! T-Rex: Adults can eat whatever foods they want, but also have to pay income taxes and manage personal finances, which is Boring and Stupid! Dromiceiomimus: Adults can buy their own clothes, but also have to reconcile themselves to the fact that sooner or later, their best years will be behind them! T-Rex: Adults can own grocery stores, but also have to face the long slow of their body, mind and self! Utahraptor: Adults can see R-rated movies, but also have responsibility for their own well-being! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: Adults can pilot helicopters, but also can marry poorly! Utahraptor: Adults can sex each other up, but also can put so much meaning and pour so much hope into a single dream that, when this dream is finally achieved, it can never possibly live up to its expectations! T-Rex: Utahraptor? Utahraprot: Yes? T-Rex: ...That one made me sad. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1401 T-Rex: Here are some things that are sad! T-Rex: Abandoned puppies, and little birds with a wing in a cast. Aww! T-Rex: And then you throw in an orphan with a crutch! And a little girl holding the limp string and rubbery plastic remains of her only birthday gift this year, a balloon with the words "Happy Birthday Naseem!" printed on it. The girl's name is Jenn. Dromiceiomimus: And the balloon wasn't filled with helium! It was filled with water. T-Rex: Brackish, swampy water! And it was tossed to her without warning and now she's drenched. Utahraptor: And the water also drenched the orphan and puppies and birds! T-Rex: Yes! Utahraptor: They're all drenched, lost in sorrow - a new kind of sorrow, a grief, a sadness so intense it could smother them. Dripping wet, staring at the ground, they weep. Eventually Jenn looks up and smiles as best she can, bravely, but it's so small, so fragile. She turns and walks away, her broken balloon dragging behind her. T-Rex: A scientist runs up, explaining that dogs and birds can't cry! But, as she examines the animals she discovers that in addition to tear ducts, they have ALSO evolved the ability to experience sadness with an intensity previously unknown on the planet. THE END. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1402 T-Rex: Here are some things that are joyous! T-Rex: Puppies! And little birds with tiny ADORABLE wings! T-Rex: And then throw in a happy little girl with a bow in her hair to play with the puppies and the birds. Ooh! And give her a bright blue balloon that's printed with the words, "Congratulations everyone, on curing all diseases!" Dromiceiomimus: And another one that says "We all get to live forever now!" T-Rex: And her THIRD balloon says "Also we replaced hate... with SNUGGLES." Utahraptor: And the balloons are filled with pure joy! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: Joy has been distilled into a useful gaseous resource! And everyone's so happy that it's basically infinite. We all keep being joyous, and our balloons keep getting more full. When they pop, it's not with a bang, but rather with the intimate sound of a lover's sigh at the end of a rousing session of SEXUAL CONGRESS!! Narrator: WARNING: THAT IS NOT APPROPRIATE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1403 T-Rex: SECRETS. T-Rex: Do we keep them in order to keep relationships running smoothly? T-Rex: Do we share them to cement friendships? Treasure them because we value knowledge, and if the knowledge is privileged then it's even MORE valuable? Create them because we are all hopelessly duplicitous and our public faces and private personas can never be reconciled? Utahraptor: Perhaps we create them out of shame? T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: Those who keep their failings secret appear more perfect, and so we too keep our shames private, in order to bring ourselves up to this impossible standard! Utahraptor: And when failings are revealed, we react with judgement, fearing any sympathy might arouse interest in our own secrets! T-Rex: [[Thinking]] No-one must know I peed on the wall Utahraptor: [[Thinking]] No-one must know I peed on the wall T-Rex: [[Thinking]] No-one must know I bet Utahraptor peed on the wall though qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1404 Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's technique: FLASH FORWARD T-Rex: Flash forwards are a useful storytelling technique! They happen when you- Narrator: T-Rex: Frig, we're all dead!! T-Rex: Get the hell out of here, Dromiceiomimus! The Contamination is right behind me! Dromiceiomimus: You let it loose?! T-Rex: I didn't let is loose - it let itself loose! It's self-aware, I'm sure of it, but all it seems to be aware of... Dromiceiomimus: ... is REVENGE. Utahraptor: T-Rex! Thank God I found you! Is there anything we can do? T-Rex: No. GOD DAMN IT, no! T-Rex: It takes over our minds, our bodies! How do you fight something like that? Utahraptor: You don't, T-Rex: you join it. You - embrace it. Don't call us "the Contamination" We just want to... elevate you. T-Rex: Leave me alone! Leave me alone, you monsters!! Narrator: EARLIER T-Rex: - jump ahead to show where actions might lead. It's Foreshadowing taking off her negligee! Utahraptor: I wish you wouldn't sexualize literary techniques, T-Rex. T-Rex: And I wish you wouldn't interrupt my sexualizin', Utahraptor!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1405 Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's literary technique: PLOT TWISTS T-Rex: Plot twists are when you think the murderer was the cape guy, but then it turns out.... T-Rex: ...the murderer was actually this other cape guy!! T-Rex: They also happen when a plant is revealed to ACTUALLY be a ghost plant. Or when Oedipus realizes he's in Oedipus Rex and then stabs out his eyes! Dromiceiomimus: He actually stabs out his eyes becuase he realizes he's murdered his father and married his mother. T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: Twists upon twists!! Utahraptor: Plot twists don't always happen at the end, though! T-Rex: It's true! T-Rex: Sometimes they happen in the middle. Like in romantic comedies when the female lead says "You know what I'M just not that into? NOT BEING INMY GIANT ROBOT SUIT!" and then she walks around in her giant robot suit. Utahraptor: ...What? T-Rex: And then Mr. Darcy shows up in HIS robot suit, and he holds up a sign that says, "Forsooth, I had forgotten I ownned this robot Suitte"? T-Rex: Holy crap, Utahraptor! Would it be a plot twist IN MY OWN LIFE to spend all my time rewriting out-of-copyright books?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1406 T-Rex: Dudes! It's time to impress my friends with my EXPANSIVE VOCABULARY! T-Rex: ... T-Rex: Okay, shoot, I know I had something planned here. What word was I going to use? S-... "Standard"? Dromiceiomimus: "Standard" is the word you were going to impress us with? "Standard". T-Rex: I - maybe? Utahraptor: I would've at least added some suffixes! T-Rex: Standard-tastic? Utahraptor: "Standard-tastic". No, real words, like "standardized". You know? Or "restandardizational". "DiDODECArestandardizational"! Now we're moving into the realm of me being impressed: 11 syllables! BUT DUE TO YOUR STUMBLES, I'M ONLY BECOMING MORE AND MORE IMPRESSED WITH MYSELF!! T-Rex: That's not a real word. Utahraptor: Didodecarestandardizational: something referring to or about the restandardization process in a way that is related to 2 groupings of 12. T-Rex: Okay but the first time actually someone uses that word the world will end! Utahraptor: I KNEW THE RISKS qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1407 T-Rex: I bet that I could be an amazing ballet dancer. In fact... yes. Wait. Yes! T-Rex: Yes, I'm certain of it! Dromiceiomimus: Ballet is hard and takes years of training, T-Rex! To suggest that you could just barge onstage during Swan Lake and just join in is actually kind of offensive to ballet dancers. T-Rex: Oh, I know! That's not what I meant. I meant, "I bet that, HAD I SPENT YEARS TRAINING, I could be an amazing ballet dancer". Dromiceiomimus: Ah. Utahraptor: But it takes more than training! T-Rex: Oh, of course! T-Rex: My true meaning was, "I bet that, had I the body type, circumstances, inclination, talent AND training, I could be an amazing ballet dancer." Utahraptor: Ah. Well. I guess that would indeed be the case. T-Rex: Yep! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX IS A BALLET DANCER! T-Rex: Well, *I* bet that I could be an amazing -- um, guy who walks around and talks shit up? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1408 T-Rex: Guess who's two hundred years old today? Charles Darwin! T-Rex: He invented evolution. God: T-REX T-Rex: What? Dromeceiomimus: Darwin didn't invent evolution, he described it! It existed before he came along. And he's not two hundred years old today, T-Rex! His birthday was two hundred years ago, but he's dead. T-Rex: Today is the day Darwin's remains turn two hundred years old! Utahraptor: But most of them are probably long decayed! T-Rex: FINE! T-Rex: Today is the day the raw material in Darwin's body, WHICH HAS SINCE PASSED BACK INTO THE EARTH AND LIKELY BEEN REINCORPORATED INTO MANY LIFE FORMS SINCE, is two hundred years old! Utahraptor: But this material existed before Darwin did. T-Rex: ARGH Narrator: IN CONCLUSION, HAPPY BIRTHDAY qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1409 T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury! I appreciate you giving me the chance to address you. This whole thing started... Narrator: ...TWO DAYS AGO: T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: I'm really excited about this, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: I am too, T-Rex! It's going to be great. T-Rex: I know! And the best part: there's NOTHING illegal about it! Utahraptor: Hey, do you guys need some friggin' help? T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: The more the merrier! Utahraptor: Wow, I'm really excited about this! T-Rex: I am too. I think this will be the best TEAM ESSAY ON THE SIGNIFICANCE OF FRIENDSHIP IN EARLY EASTERN LITERATURE ever! Narrator: END OF FLASHBACK. T-Rex: So! In summary and in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the jury: T-Rex: ...Um, I'm actually not really sure why I'm here? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=141 T-Rex: I think I'll go for a walk today! T-Rex: Uncanny! It's as if I'm seeing the world for the first time! T-Rex: This amnesia has given me the wide-eyed innocence of a new-born child! T-Rex: I'm filled with wonder and awe at the most casual display of nature's beauty! T-Rex: Look at that house! Incredible! T-Rex: Everything is precious! The glory of the world astounds me! Utahraptor: Then why are you stomping things? T-Rex: I don't know. . . it just feels right. Utahraptor: But can someone who's destroying beauty truly appreciate it? T-Rex: Arguably, yes! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1410 T-Rex: Okay, so let's assume you know the position of every air molecule in the room. T-Rex: Things are going pretty well for you, my friend! T-Rex: Someone in the room says something to another person, and then they both leave. Assuming you know exactly how they moved when they left (and therefore how they displaced the air!) then any remaining displacement is due to sound waves. By looking at the location of the air molecules in the empty room, you can reconstruct what was said in the past! Dudes! It's a perfect, UNDETECTABLE listening device! Utahraptor: But how much particle displacement happens at conversational levels? T-Rex: LOTS, probably! Utahraptor: I dunno, Sound's a wave that travels THROUGH the medium it's in, right, so I'd imagine that's mostly oscillation, not displacement. If you talk to me from across the room, I'm not being splattered with air from inside your lungs. T-Rex: Oh REALLY? Narrator: SOON: Utahraptor: T-Rex Utahraptor: It doesn't count if you're just spitting on me qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1411 T-Rex: Let's say I break the law BUT I had a really good reason for doing it. Maybe I'm Batman! T-Rex: MAYBE I'M BATMAN. T-Rex: So maybe I'm Batman and I break the law and I get caught but I had a really good reason. I'm going to hope that the police take that into account! I'm BASICALLY going to hope for selective enforcement of the law. But that's kind of a terrible thing to hope for: it puts the law in the hands of an individual police officer, with all their preconceptions and prejudices! Utahraptor: You'd prefer zero tolerance? T-Rex: Not hardly! T-Rex: That fails to consider extenuating circumstances, like the fact that maybe I'm Batman! So I'm stuck. I know it's useful to allow the police to make exceptions, but I don't want my freedom dependent on whether I get a nice cop or a mean one! Utahraptor: I suppose that is a reasonable concern! Narrator: LATER Batman: t-rex, guess how many times i've worried about mean cops! T-Rex: S-Several? Batman: okay Batman: THAT was a lucky guess qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1412 Narrator: HOW TO KISS T-Rex: Some people who have never kissed before worry, "What if I'm bad at it? My sweetie will never want to kiss me again!" T-Rex: This is entirely reasonable! T-Rex: In the high-stakes world of kissing, there's just no room for second chances. Luckily for anyone, I can teach you how to kiss! You simply whisper "The inside of your mouth looks a little dry", lock mouths with your partner, and then, you flood them with your saliva. Dromiceiomimus: Oh God. That's disgusting. T-Rex: That, Dromiceiomimus, is a very peculiar way to pronounce "erotic". Utahraptor: You've actually kissed like that? T-Rex: I call it, "The Inundation". T-Rex: No, wait. "The Deluge". "The Monsoon". No, "The Happy Swamping"! Utahraptor: Okay, promise me right now that you'll never perform anything on me that could possibly be referred to as "The Happy Swamping". T-Rex: ...FINE. Narrator: SIX MONTHS LATER: T-Rex: Utahraptor!! T-Rex: I renamed it to "The Oral Overflow" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1413 T-Rex: Deinococcus radiodurans is one of the most radiation resistant bacterium ever! It can ALSO survive dehydration, exposure to vacuum, and acid being thrown in its face. T-Rex: It is the T-Rex of the animal world! T-Rex: You give this guy enough radiation to kill a dinosaur, and it survives. Then you give it 500 times that dose, and it still shrugs it off! Dudes are friggin' NIGH-INVINCIBLE against radiation. Just like, or so I suspect, myself! Dromiceiomimus: That's pretty amazing! T-Rex: Yep! it pulls this off by protecting its repair enzymes from radiation damage, AND by keeping multiple known-good copies of its DNA! Utahraptor: But there's no place on Earth that even comes CLOSE to having such high radiation levels! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Why would bacteria evolve such effective protection against an entirely nonexistent threat? Utahraptor: That's what I'm saying. T-Rex: Unless, of course, the threat actually exists... T-Rext: ... or should I say - ACTUALLY EXISTED?? Narrator: T-REX'S THEORY: [[Inside thought bubble: a graphical chat log.]] Little Alien Yorps: <<pew pew>> Deinococcus radiodurans: man, keep shooting me and i'm just gonna evolve defense against lazer beams! Little Alien Yorps: <<pew pew>> Deinococcus radiodurans: FINE Deinococcus radiodurans: ps it's millions of years ago right now qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1414 T-Rex: The immigrant experience: T-Rex: ...what's the deal? T-Rex: Well, if you ask ME, I'd say it's the experience of "immigrating", if you will, to a new country. Coupled, of course, with the emigrant experience of leaving your old country behind! Dromiceiomimus: That's all you've got? T-Rex: I'm in over my head, Dromiceiomimus! I've totally barely ever immigrated! Utahraptor: I've never been to the bottom of the ocean, but I still know there's freaky-ass transparent fish there! T-Rex: FINE. T-Rex: I'll go learn about immigration, okay? And then I'll return here in exactly 24 hours and dazzle you with the nuances of my new, hyperinformed opinion synthesized from my own reactions to the many viewpoints I've encountered, alright?? Utahraptor: Okay, sure! Narrator: 23 HOURS LATER, AT THE VIDEO STORE: T-Rex: Excuse me, do you guys have any movies about "the immigrant experience?" It's an emergency! Video store guy: Yes! T-Rex: ...Starring Robocop? Video store guy: No. T-Rex: Maaaaaaaaaan qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1415 T-Rex: My new book is called "BILLY THE TEEN! BILLY WAS THE TEEN... WHO LOVED BEING A TEEN!" T-Rex: (It's aimed towards teens!) T-Rex: So, after clearly being established as a teen, Billy goes off and meets some other teens! They become friends and they hang around outside fast-food restaurants, and sometimes, they go in and get some fast food FROM the restaurant. Later, Billy announces that he just plain loves being a teen! All his friends nod their heads in ready agreement. Utahraptor: And then what happens? T-Rex: A few pages in, Billy realizes his 20th birthday is coming up! T-Rex: He'll no longer be a teen. It's a disaster! He's TERRIFIED. He's waking up in cold sweats. Billy's certain that when he becomes 20 he'll lose something vital of himself. Utahraptor: And then? T-Rex: And then... he dies of a heart attack! T-Rex: But like, 50 years later, you know? Long after he's come to terms with everything. The vast bulk of the book details Billy's entire adult life, and the last page says "The actual title this book is 'Mr. Bill Peterson, Who Came To Terms with His Life Over 60 Years'". qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1416 Narrator: TIPS FOR JOB HUNTERS T-Rex: Attention, people who are hunting jobs! You are know as "job hunters" and guess what? I have some tips for you, my friends! T-Rex: Tip number one is to have a good email address! T-Rex: If I were an employer and I had two equally qualified candidates, but one resume came from colin@businesssuccessislifesuccess.com and the other resume came from colin@chumpstakingdumps.com, I know which one I'd want to hire! Dromiceiomimus: Is it colin@chumpstakingdumps.com? T-Rex: It is without hesitation! T-Rex: That business success jerk has the most obnoxious email address ever. Utahraptor: And the other guy doesn't? T-Rex: No man! The other guy surveyed the field of resume email addresses and said, "You know what? It can be done better." I'm fascinated by him! Who is Colin? And furthermore, what of his Chumps, who it seems are presently Taking Dumps?? I don't know, but I want to offer him a job to find out! Narrator: T-REX PUTS UP A FAKE JOB LISTING TO SEE WHAT EMAIL ADDRESSES HE GETS. THE BEST IS FROM COLIN@BONERSAPOPPIN.NET T-Rex: Hah hah! Awesome! T-Rex: ... It's not the guy I made up, though. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1417 T-Rex: I am generally a pretty easy-going guy! But guys, there's this one thing really boils my potatoes! T-Rex: TWEETING. T-Rex: Okay, I get that you're using Twitter! SUPER. But I really don't get why we need a new verb for that.. All "tweeting" means is "posting to Twitter": it's got the same meaning as "post", except THIS verb can only be used in relation to a single corporate website. That's insane! Corporations invent nouns all the time, and I can accept that, but verbs? Really? Is updating Twitter SO DIFFERENT than updating any other website that we need a whole new word for it? Utahraptor: Man this is old news, Professor Curmudgeonly! You ever seen something escalate? T-Rex: Sure have! Utahraptor: OH DAMN "ESCALATE" IS A VERB MADE UP FROM "ESCALATOR", WHICH WAS ITSELF A TRADEMARK! So now you can't escalate. And you also can't zip up your pants. Or go trampolining, roller-blading, or jetskiing. Or tase your enemies. T-Rex: Man! Friggin' English friggin' lets me down friggin' again!! T-Rex: Also! T-Rex: ...I do believe that last sentence let me down as well qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1418 T-Rex: Somebody please write a really popular song about me, okay? T-Rex: And make it really catchy, okay? T-Rex: And make sure all the lyrics are really positive, stuff like "Oh T-Rex you're so fine / you're so fine you blow my mind / Oh T-Rex / you are assuredly the best is what I'm communicating here", okay? Dromiceiomimus: Why? T-Rex: A #1 song all about how great I am -- It's the best PR imaginable! Folks'll meet me and say, "YOU'RE T-Rex?! Suddenly, arousal washes over me as unstoppably as the ocean tide." Utahraptor: You meet some eloquent people! T-Rex: Once this song is written I will, anyway! Utahraptor: But have you considered that no song stays popular forever? There's bound to be a backlash, and the faster a song becomes popular, the greater the backlash to it once it begins to fall from favour! T-Rex: Impossible! I'm certain that THIS song will be so good that, for the rest of time, folks will forever say, Off-Panel speaker: Dear God, this song is like a polka equivalent of Vanilla Ice covering "Achy Breaky Heart" in a quarter-time falsetto. T-Rex: Hey! Hey you, across the street! T-Rex: Daaaaang. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=142 T-rex: Shoot! I forgot to have a shower this morning! T-rex: That's funny, because I smell fine! Dromiceiomimus: That's funny, because you never seem showered whenever I see you. T-rex: That's funny, because I don't seem to remember soliciting comments! Utahraptor: That's funny, because you always voice every single thought in your head! T-rex: That's funny, because at least I have thoughts! Utahraptor: Well that's funny, because no you don't! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE... T-rex: Sure! I'd love to come to your dinner party! T-rex: Why yes, I am freshly showered! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1420 T-Rex: Parking tickets! T-Rex: Everyone who loves parking tickets, throw your hands up in the air! Raise the friggin' roof! [[No hands raise up in this panel.]] T-Rex: Ah. So everyone's stealing my anti-ticket opinions INSTEAD of raising the roof. That's fine, that's cool. Utahraptor: Whatever! Utahraptor: People hated parking tickets long before you came along. They ALSO dislike restrictive bank service hours, computer phone systems that make it difficult to talk to a real person, AND unjustified authority. T-Rex: But I hate all those things too! HAVE I NEVER HAD AN ORIGINAL THOUGHT IN MY LIFE?? T-Rex (thinking): It would be awesome if popsicles tasted like the stick they're on instead, and then the stick tasted like the flavoured ice T-Rex: *phew* qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1421 T-Rex: Dudes! T-Rex: Why are there not cyborgs yet? T-Rex: Every day we're closer to the future, and YET, every day I have to watch movies to see a cyborg rebelling against purely organic life, instead of just looking out my dang window! It's just - I don't want to have to sit my grandchildren down on my knees, pull them close, and tell them that our generation dropped the ball, so THEY'LL have to be the ones to pull out their eyes and stuff the holes with cameras and little red LEDs. Utahraptor: No child ever wants to hear their grandfather tell them that. T-Rex: This is what I'm saying! Utahraptor: But I take it you don't count people with artificial organs as cyborgs. T-Rex: Nope! As the sayings go, "Claims of cyborgnicity are lies until you can see incandescent red eyes", and "All cyborgs are null until you can see a chrome, gleaming partially exposed skull" T-Rex: I have always thought them to be remarkably poorly constructed sayings qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1422 T-Rex: Cell phones built into your friggin' hands! T-Rex: IT'S THE FUTURE! T-Rex: You'll think, "Hey, I wanna call Ricky!" and then, digits will glow on your palm. you punch them in and then make your hand into a phone shape! Talk into your pinkie while listening on your thumb, and when you're done, you just mime hanging up! That's the future, my friends. Cell phones built into our friggin' hands! T-Rex: Um, in the future it will ALSO be very easy to PRETEND you have a cell phone. Utahraptor: I'm afraid you're making the #1 mistake in predicting the future, T-Rex! T-Rex: What's that? Utahraptor: Only extending existing technology forward. Why are we till shackled to the cell phone interface? It's a thought-activated process, so why do we have to dial? And if we're implanting stuff, why not put the same sensors by the mouth and avoid the hands entirely? Plus, I mean, this way YOU could use the phone as well. T-Rex: ! T-Rex: Is that racist?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1423 T-Rex: Okay, so I've been down on poems in the past. I MAY have been heard to remark "Guys, poetry bloetries." But I've just discovered: T-Rex: Poems likely predate the written word! T-Rex: It makes sense when you think about it. Before writing, the only way to keep track of something is to memorize it! And if you're memorizing something in POEM form, then you can automatically incorporate structure to the language: say, rhyming couplets. And that structure gives you something to jog your memory if you forget! The result is that structured narrative poetry can be much easier to remember than just free verse. Utahraptor: So poems could be among the earliest, most practical forms of communication! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: And this is why I feel bad! I didn't know that I was making fun of one of the Elder Gods of language! I thought I was making fun of "The smelly dog who pooed / Has spied me in the nude". Utahraptor: So now more respect for poetry? T-Rex: I promise it!! Narrator: THE END Narrator: BONUS PANEL: THE COMPLETE TEXT OF "THE SMELLY DOG WHO POOED"! T-Rex: The smelly dog who pooed / Has spied me in the nude / I say to him "Hark! Who goes?" T-Rex: I think the smell comes out his nose qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1424 T-Rex: Conceptual metaphors are those that allow us to understand one idea in terms of another! They inform the language we use when talking about all sorts of concepts, and are almost subconscious. T-Rex: For example: "LIFE IS A JOURNEY"! T-Rex: People use this metaphor all the time, all talkin' about "going places in life," "getting a head start in life," "being at a crossroads," and so on. It's so entrenched that to talk about life using another metaphor seems odd! For example, saying "I've saved $3.55 in life" sounds weird, but only because I'm using the much less popular "LIFE IS A DISCOUNT STORE WITH SALES THAT CAN OCCASIONALLY BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF" metaphor. Utahraptor: Are there other metaphors like this? T-Rex: Oh, tons! T-Rex: "Burning with desire and "warming up to someone"? That's "AFFECTION IS HEAT." "Falling behind" at work before "catching up"? "SCHEDULES ARE MOVING OBJECTS." "You're in my way," "Get out of my way," and, ARGUABLY, "I've lost my way"? That's the classic "DIRECTION IS A BUCKET THAT PEOPLE KEEP SNEAKING INTO." T-Rex: In conclusion, cognitive linguists love conceptual metaphors because they allow us to describe direction as an intensely desirable giant bucket. T-Rex: The end! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1425 T-Rex: Lampshade hanging is when you've got something hella dumb in your story, but then Shakespeare shows up and says "Forsooth, guys, that's dumb" and then the audience accepts it! T-Rex: BECAUSE WHO WOULD ARGUE WITH FRIGGIN' SHAKESPEARE?? Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's technique: LAMPSHADE HANGING T-Rex: Shakespeare has drawn attention to the hella dumb, and in doing so, addresses and placates audience concern! Utahraptor: Sure! Utahraptor: But any character can pull that off. It doesn't have to be Shakespeare. T-Rex: It doesn't hurt! If a random character says "that's dumb", I'll listen. But if SHAKESPEARE says it, I'm spitting out my drink and saying "Wow, Shakespeare!! I'd better listen to THIS line of dialogue right away!" Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND: T-Rex: Shakespeare, you should have a line that says "Forsooth, if this were in a play, I'd want my tuppence back!" Shakespeare: t-rex Shakespeare: who told you all we tudor england people say is "forsooth" Shakespeare: because that is RACIST qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1426 T-Rex: Ssh! Come closer! T-Rex: I know yet more secrets! T-Rex: Yet more SECRETS of the MEDICAL PROFESSION! T-Rex: Okay, so let's say you're a dude or lady who often is called upon to perform CPR on someone in cardiac arrest. Nice. YOU'RE A HANDY PERSON TO HAVE AROUND. When performing CPR, you're aiming for 100 chest compressions per minute, but this is an awkward rate to hit. HOWEVER, if you hum Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust", you'll be fine! The song is simple, catchy, memorable, AND has a steady beat that runs, as it turns out, at exactly 100 beats a minute. Utahraptor: So the professional performing CPR on me is thinking "Bum bum bum / Another one bits the dust"? T-Rex: Quite possibly! T-Rex: And if I ever need to perform CPR on you, you can bet I'LL be belting it out at the top of my lungs. Utahraptor: T-Thanks? T-Rex: No worries, man! I've got your back. Listen. It'll be a great show. T-Rex: Although, I MIGHT change the lyrics to "Hey there guys / You know what would be great? / If this guy / would cardiopulmonarily resuscitate" T-Rex: We share the laughter AND the tears, Utahraptor. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1427 T-Rex: Guys, there are basically a billion different ways to make new friends! Narrator: TWO WAYS TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS T-Rex: Okay there are at least two ways to make new friends. One way is to look at the friends your existing friends already have, and then pick out/up the most awesome ones from those! This algorithm allows you to grow your network of friends in much the same way that ANY NUMBER of deadly diseases reproduce! Dromiceiomimus: You need a seed friend, though! T-Rex: True! T-Rex: And that brings us to method one: online dating! Utahraptor: But that results in spouses, not buddies! T-Rex: Not NECESSARILY: Look up profiles, find someone interesting and date 'em, and then say that you "just want to be friends"! Kapow: INSTANT FRIENDSHIP THAT'LL LAST A LIFETIME. Utahraptor: Friendship, founded on deceit and romantic frustration. T-Rex: No deceit with me, baby! I use the lines sincerely! T-Rex: If I just want to be friends, I just want to be friends! And if I'm saying "It's not you, it's me", then I'm also saying. "Frig, man, I've got to go pull myself together! I'm dropping the ball here, and it's REALLY not fair to you." T-Rex: "P.S. Let's make out." qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1428 T-Rex: There are tons of phrases in the English language that I can never use because they've already been claimed by someone else! T-Rex: What the heck English? T-Rex: If I want to give a very serious and momentous speech about the history of war, I can! But if I also want it to begin with "Now this is a story all about how some lives got flipped, turned upside down"? I CAN'T. It is a perfectly awesome introductory phrase that is forbidden to me - unless I'm cool with my audience and being distracted by thoughts of young Willard Smith! Fresh Prince used scorched earth tactics when withdrawing from the phrase. Utahraptor: Why don't you just ignore all that and use it anyway? T-Rex: It doesn't work! T-Rex: Even if I'M ignoring it, my audience won't know to! I'll be explaining the origins of conflict as hard as I friggin' can, but they'll all be hopelessly distracted by thoughts of chillin' out, maxin' out, relaxin' all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school! Utahraptor: Well then - phrase it differently! Narrator: SPEECH DAY T-Rex: The history of war is a journey. A narrative. A story that, at its core, is all about how some lives become turned upside-down by conflict: "flipped" if you will. T-Rex: FRIG IT'S STILL A REFERENCE. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1429 T-Rex: Alright everyone! T-Rex: Let's do our friggin' TAXES! T-Rex: Woooo LATER: T-Rex: So um it appears taxes are not as fun as I expected. Dromiceiomimus: How fun did you expect them to be? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I expected nothing less than the fun of a job well done! Utahraptor: And...? Utahraptor: Did you do them well? T-Rex: Man, who can say? T-Rex: There's no feedback at the end: no "B+ try harder next time", no "PURR-FECT WORK" sticker and then there's a picture of a cat! T-Rex: There's just the knowledge that audits can happen for any reason, AND the knowledge that there's no statute of limitations for tax fraud, even accidental, and that the only other crime with such status is MURDER. T-Rex: Woooo qwantz.com/index.php?comic=143 T-rex: I have discovered several advantages to having amnesia! T-rex: For instance: being able to forget things and having nobody blame you! Narrator: SHORTLY: Dromiceiomimus: T-rex, did you remember my birthday today? T-rex: Sorry, I forgot! Dromiceiomimus: Oh well! You have amnesia, so I guess that's OK. Utahraptor: T-rex, did you remember to do your taxes this year? T-rex: Nope! Amnesia! Utahraptor: That's funny, because taxes were due months ago, long before you contracted amnesia. T-rex: That's OK; I never do them anyway! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1430 Narrator: IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY! Narrator: HERE ARE SOME FACTS ABOUT ST. PATRICK'S DAY! T-Rex: Did you know that St. Patrick used to be associated with the color BLUE? T-Rex: It's true! You travel back in time to the 1200s and you say "What color goes with St. Patrick?" and they'll answer "blue"! Eventually. First you'll need to figure out how to communicate with the people there: their vowels will sound all crazy to your ears. Plus, assuming you're in an English speaking part of the world- and there were a lot fewer of them then- the language was way more Germanic than what you're used to. T-Rex: You're right in the middle of Middle English, my friend! Utahraptor: And it was really fragmented back then! Utahraptor: The British will end up creating a Standard English just to ensure that government communication can be READ outside of London. T-Rex: But not until the 1400s, so if you're in the 1200s and nobody understands you, you could always wander around, find another dialect group, and try again! T-Rex: Anyway yeah now St. Patrick's color is green qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1431 T-Rex: I have no plans for tonight. Will this TRULY be another night of staying in, solitude, and quiet contemplation of my life thus far? T-Rex: Forget that!! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, let's do something tonight! Something awesome! Dromiceiomimus: What did you have in mind? T-Rex: Something! ANYTHING. We're awesome AND we have disposable income - why do we have dull evenings? Why aren't we taking helicopter rides to the grocery store? Why aren't we WHITE WATER RAFTING into our friggin' jobs? Utahraptor: Wow. Today is the day you become old, T-Rex! T-Rex: Not true!! Utahraptor: My friend, you took helicopter rides and white water rafting, two awesome things, and the best you could imagine to do with them was commute and buy your groceries? THOSE ARE OLD PEOPLE DREAMS. T-Rex: ... T-Rex: daaaaaamn qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1432 T-Rex: Man, I'm not old! I do tons of stuff that's not old people stuff! Do old people knock back extremely sour gumballs like they were regular gumballs? T-Rex: If they do, they're not doing it around me! T-Rex: Do old people stomp on things in their way instead of walking slowly around them? Do old people solve their problems with their fists? I have never seen an elderly gentleman solve problems with his fists! Dromiceiomimus: I've never seen you solve problems with your fists either, actuall! T-Rex: Then you must not've been looking, Dromiceiomimus! My left fist is called "Plan B" because it solves so many problems! Utahraptor: And what's your right fist called? T-Rex: "Plan C!" T-Rex: It's put into action in the event that Plan B fails. ONLY IT'S NEVER BEEN USED BECAUSE PLAN B NEVER FAILS!! Utahraptor: And this makes you not old. T-Rex: Yep! I'm young because MY body parts still have nicknames. Narrator: LATER: REGRET T-Rex: ... Man, it would have been way funnier if I'd nicknamed my WEINER "Plan B"! Every time someone said "Let's take a close look at Plan B", I could've laughed and laughed! T-Rex: *sigh* qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1433 T-Rex: If someone were to ask me what my favourite suffix is, I would answer them without hesitation: "-cracy"! T-Rex: IT TURNS ANYTHING INTO A GOVERNMENT. T-Rex: If you really like sandwiches, all you have to do is think "sandwichocracy", and hey presto, your ideal system of government is right there! If you love yourself, an autocracy is what's perfect for you, mister! And et's say you love action figures. Dromiceiomimus: "Actionfigureocracy"? T-Rex: WHY THE HECK NOT?? Utahraptor: You'd really choose "-cracy" over "-tastic"? T-Rex: Any day, my friend! T-Rex: You could say, "Hey, imagine something awesometastic" and I can say, "Wait, imagine an awesomeocracy instead!" and then everyone will imagine my thing instead because it's better. Plus, "-cracy" INCLUDES "-tastic". All sandwichocracies are sandwichtastic, but not all things sandwichtastic are a sandwichocracy! God: T-REX WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THE UNIVERSE WAS JUST A TEST TO SEE IF "SANDWICHOCRACY" AND "SANDWICHTASTIC" WOULD EVER BE USED IN A SENTENCE T-Rex: I would tell you it's been a rousing success!! God: YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS A BIT OF A LET DOWN AT THE END THEN HUH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1434 T-Rex: Let's say I decide to say a word only once in my ENTIRE life. That's a hapax legomenon! Narrator: HAPAX LEGOMENON Narrator: "just as cool as it sounds" T-Rex: Hapax legomenons are words that are only said once by someone! They're also words that only appear once a book, or even once in the ENTIRE RECORDS OF A LANGUAGE. Like "gopherwood"! It only shows up ONCE in both the Bible AND in the entire writtern record of Classical Hebrew. That's one heck of a hapax! Utahraptor: What does it mean? T-Rex: Nobody knows! It's a kind of wood? Probably? T-Rex: It's there because God's all "NOAH BUILD AN ARK OUT OF GOPHERWOOD OKAY" but now we're all, "what? Um, maybe he meant cypress wood? Did somebody transcribe this friggin' poorly?" It's cool how unlikely we are to ever discover anything new about a hapax! Utahraptor: Its precise meaning will forever remain a mystery! God: T-REX GOPHERWOOD IS JUST WOOD THAT WAS PEED ON BY A GOPHER God: I CONFESS I FIND THE SCENT God: INTOXICATING T-Rex: YES ITS PRECISE MEANING WILL FOREVER REMAIN A MYSTERY qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1435 T-Rex: It's not that hard to be creative! But sometimes when I come up with a joke, I find out it's already been invented in the past, and it's always by the same dead guy! I now have a beef with this dead person. You'd best watch out... T-Rex: ...OSCAR WILDE! T-Rex: Man, Oscar! Here's a guy who's been taking the credit for TONS of great jokes that I would have come up with if he hadn't done so first. Telling a border guard "I have nothing to declare except my genius"? I TOTALLY WOULD'VE COME UP WITH THAT IF IT HAD NOT ALREADY BEEN COME UP WITH. "I'm not young enough to know everything"? THAT PROBABLY WOULD'VE BEEN MY BON MOT. Wilde's the most egregious preemptive plagiarizer of my funny jokes ever! Utahraptor: You're not mad at Oscar Wilde, T-Rex! T-Rex: Pretty sure I am, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: No, you're mad at J. M. "Peter Pan" Barrie for the young one, and at some anonymous wag for the genius one - nobody's found a reliable link to Oscar for it. He just gets the credit! T-Rex: Huh. Okay, I'LL be the guy who's mad at all the UNWARRANTED credit Wilde gets, then. Utahraptor: "If with the literate I am/ Impelled to try an epigram,/ I never seek to take the credit; / We all assume that Oscar said it." - Dorothy Parker. T-Rex: FRIG. T-Rex: ...I'm going home to never do anything original again, okay? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1436 T-Rex: What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger! T-Rex: Is that... medicine? T-Rex: I know it doesn't work in all cases, or maybe even MOST cases, but it works with vaccination, right? A weaker version of the disease teaches your body to fight the real deal. So what I'm wondering is if I ate something disgusting, does that, you know... level me up for some REALLY insanely disgusting things in the future? Utahraptor: You mean in terms of protection against disease, or in terms of adjusting your taste? T-Rex: Both, I guess! SUDDENLY, EVERYONE REVEALS THEIR SECRET MOTIVATIONS! T-Rex: There were some dead moths in my cereal this morning, and I'm hoping there's some way I can turn this into a positive event. Utahraptor: I'm intrigued because the same thing also happened to me this morning! God: MAN THAT'S CRAZY THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME TODAY TOO God: I SAID God: WHAT THE HECK God: AND THEN I SAID God: I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD TO EAT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1437 T-Rex: Attention, please, everyone! I've done some reading about the brain and I discovered there's a part of it called the "amygdala"! T-Rex: And the amygdala is responsible for FEAR RESPONSE! T-Rex: This is amazing! I had NO IDEA fear was localized to a single location. This opens up whole new avenues in the field of toughening up the very scareable: just open up their brain and remove their amygdala, and it's an instant fearectomy! They'll wake up from surgery, shake your hand, laugh in the face of danger, and then get business cards that say "PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO EXPERIENCE FEAR". Utahraptor: That's like solving a problem of high blood pressure by removing the heart, T-Rex! T-Rex: Only analogously! Utahraptor: The amygdala doesn't just do fear, anyway: it's also responsible for long-term memory rentention! The more emotional the memory, the better it's stored. If you lose it you also lose the ability to learn from feelings! T-Rex: Hah! NOT A PROBLEM. You know all I've ever learnt from feelings? Narrator: ALL T-REX HAS EVER LEARNT FROM FEELINGS: T-Rex: "Being sad sucks" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1438 T-Rex: I know that getting a transplant is serious business, and that it can be a traumatic event. T-Rex: But it's also kind of awesome! T-Rex: If you've got a transplant, it's like you've leveled up! AS A PERSON. The rest of us are stuck with the genes we were born with, but you've got SELECTION. You're made out of the best parts of other people! Dromiceiomimus: It's one way of looking at it! T-Rex: It's the BEST way of looking at it! Plus, anyone who's had a limb or organ transplant is way more mysterious. Utahraptor: How do you figure? T-Rex: Listen. I can tell you what my left hand has been up to for most of my life. T-Rex: But if I had a transplant, I'd have no idea. There'd be a part of my body with a WHOLE DIFFERENT HISTORY than the rest of me: how is that not awesome? Utahraptor: I imagine it'd raise some issues of identity and self... T-Rex: I imagine it'd raise some issues of WHAT AWESOME THINGS MY HAND HAS BEEN UP TO! T-Rex: Oh man!! Imagine if my LIVER came from an axe murderer? MINE WOULD BE THE LIVER THAT'S DANGEROUS TO KNOW, and my philosophy would be "If you're not interesting, at least have parts of you that are!" T-Rex: ...Hey, do you want to swap feet sometime? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1438 T-Rex: I know that getting a transplant is serious business, and that it can be a traumatic event. T-Rex: But it's also kind of awesome! T-Rex: If you've got a transplant, it's like you've leveled up! AS A PERSON. The rest of us are stuck with the genes we were born with, but you've got SELECTION. You're made out of the best parts of other people! Dromiceiomimus: It's one way of looking at it! T-Rex: It's the BEST way of looking at it! Plus, anyone who's had a limb or organ transplant is way more mysterious. Utahraptor: How do you figure? T-Rex: Listen. I can tell you what my left hand has been up to for most of my life. T-Rex: But if I had a transplant, I'd have no idea. There'd be a part of my body with a WHOLE DIFFERENT HISTORY than the rest of me: how is that not awesome? Utahraptor: I imagine it'd raise some issues of identity and self... T-Rex: I imagine it'd raise some issues of WHAT AWESOME THINGS MY HAND HAS BEEN UP TO! T-Rex: Oh man!! Imagine if my LIVER came from an axe murderer? MINE WOULD BE THE LIVER THAT'S DANGEROUS TO KNOW, and my philosophy would be "If you're not interesting, at least have parts of you that are!" T-Rex: ...Hey, do you want to swap feet sometime? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1439 God: T-REX, HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS? T-Rex: No, what news? God: I MADE BRUSSEL SPROUTS TASTE BETTER. T-Rex: Amazing! God: ACTUALLY NO I DIDN'T BUT I SAID I DID BECAUSE OF APRIL FOOLS' DAY T-Rex: Man! Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex, I wanted you to know: I won a little bit of money in the lottery and I want to share it with you! T-Rex: Really? This isn't just an Apr- Dromiceiomimus: April Fools'! T-Rex: Maaan! Utahraptor: T-Rex, do you want to go visit the chocolate factory? T-Rex: Yes, I do!! T-Rex: This is a total reasonable thing for us to do. It is ENTIRELY PLAUSIBLE. Even if you meant it as a joke, let's just do it! Let's go visit the chocolate factory! Utahraptor: April Fools'! T-Rex: MAAAAAAN!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Attention, lexographers!! T-Rex: Instead of April Fools' Day, we ought to call it "Disappointment Wednesday" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=144 Narrator: A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR explained T-Rex: many jokes begin with this line. It is called the "set-up", and is analogous to establishing-shots in films or first paragraphs in essays. T-Rex: It alerts the audience that what follows is likely to be a short story with a humorous climax! T-Rex: What is the attraction to this structure of humor? Why are there so many jokes about men walking into bars? T-Rex: Part of the attraction to this structure may be its possibilities: most anything can happen in a bar, especially if this bar is contained within the wild and wooly world of the verbal jest. Utahraptor: What about the joke, "A man walks into a bar...ouch!"? T-Rex: Good question! T-Rex: The joke assumes some sophistication on the part of the audience, an expectation gleamed from previous jokes that the bar is a drinking establishment. Utahraptor: Go on! T-Rex: The "ouch" is startling. How could entering a bar hurt? It forces us to now re-evaluate our most basic assumptions. T-Rex: We must ask ourselves, "What if the bar were a bar proper, and by walking into it the man actually, physically walked into it?" T-Rex: It is this confusion on the part of the listener that is responsible for the humor! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1440 Narrator: PHRASES THAT NEED TO BE USED MORE T-Rex: Here are some phrases that we need to be saying more often, cats and kittens! Narrator: "CATS AND KITTENS" T-Rex: See? I'M ALREADY HELPING. Narrator: "SMOKIN' BOD" T-Rex: People should compliment me on my smokin' bod more often! I WILL GLADLY DO THE SAME. Dromiceiomimus: You have a smokin' bod, T-Rex! T-Rex: THANK YOU, Dromiceiomimus! You have a smokin' bod as well! T-Rex/Dromiceiomimus: Wooo! Narrator: "FRIENDLY GOOD TIMES" Utahraptor: This phrase can be used in reference to friendly good times! T-Rex: And how! Narrator: "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING" T-Rex: Nothing bad ever happens when you eat the whole thing, you guys! It doesn't matter what thing it is. I've NEVER had negative consequences from doing this. Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: None that I care to remember, Utahraptor!! Narrator: "WHO PUT POOPS IN MY BREAKFAST" T-Rex: Hey. It'll be better for all of us if we just find out who's doing it. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1441 T-Rex: Hey, here's a fact! Power ballads are the best sort of ballads. FACT. Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS Narrator: today's songs: Narrator: POWER BALLADS Narrator: "I'VE HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE" T-Rex: Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes have had the times of their respective lives! They're each the one thing the other can't get enough of - this could be love, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: Okay, but they've probably both felt this way berfore. T-Rex: NEVER!! Narrator: "I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT" Utahraptor: It's pretty much all in the title. Dude died tonight. In your arms! T-Rex: INTENSE! Narrator: "TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART" T-Rex: Once upon a time Bonnie Tyler was falling in love, but now she's only falling apart! Utahraptor: Is there anything she can do? T-Rex: Hello?? It's a total eclipse of the heart! Utahraptor: Ah, so there's nothing she can do. Narrator: "I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS" T-Rex: Lou Gramm wants to know what love is. He also wants to feel what love is. Finally, he wants you to show him what love is. T-Rex: Lou Gramm, ladies and gentlemen! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1442 T-Rex: So I am a guy who is really afraid of going crazy. I don't want to go crazy, okay guys?? T-Rex: OKAY. T-Rex: And I think I've figured out what part of my fear is about: causation! There's tons of mental illnesses where we can't find any reason for them to be happening and have no idea what's causing them. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT CAUSES SCHIZOPHRENIA. You can just wake up one day and say, oh damn dudes, I've got schizophrenia! HOW IS THAT NOT TERRIFYING? Utahraptor: Physical diseases are like that too, T-Rex! T-Rex: What? No they're not! Utahraptor: Yeah, any disease can have an idiopathic version, meaning for all intents and purposes that it arises spontaneously, with no detectable physical cause. All we can do is shrug and try to treat the symptoms! T-Rex: SERIOUSLY? T-Rex: Oh my god being a physical being is such total baloney! Narrator: THE END qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1443 T-Rex: Today is the day I remove the word "prejudice" from my idiolect and replace it with the word "racist"! T-Rex: YES. T-Rex: Now if someone says "T-Rex, I just don't like apples", I'll say "Hey, That's RACIST." and when they say "What? That's not racist!" I'll reply with "The very fact that you're denying that it's racist is EVEN MORE RACIST!" T-Rex: Will I be the most popular person ever? I can only speculate that the answer is yes!! Utahraptor: How is it racist? Is the apple-hater of a minority creed or socio-economic group? T-Rex: Oh my god! SO RACIST. T-Rex: Everyone can hate apples, not just minorities! The very fact that you'd jump to that conclusion shows that you TRULY ARE history's greatest racist! Utahraptor: I was just trying to figure out how this new "racist" thing worked! T-Rex: Maybe next time you can do it by not DABBLING IN RACISM?? T-Rex: Attention, audio diary! T-Rex: Nobody comes to my friggin' parties anymore qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1444 T-Rex: Am I ever prepared for a mid-life crisis! I'm seriously ready. T-Rex: BRING IT ON! Dromiceiomimus: But what makes you think you're so prepared? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm awesome! If I wake up one morning and think "What have I ever done with my life, have I ever really accomplished anything, OH GOD", then that thought will be followed by "Wait I forgot how awesome I am! NEVERMIND." Dromiceiomimus: What if that second thought doesn't come though? T-Rex: Impossible! A mid-life crisis is a crisis of confidence, and if there's one thing I've got, it's confidence! Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: YES. Confidence in who I am, what I've done and where I'm going. And if there's two things I've got, it's confidence AND a bunch of burgers to eat when I get home! So do you wanna come over and eat burgers tonight or what, Utahraptor? Utahraptor: Sure! T-Rex: Excellent! T-Rex: If there's THREE things I've got, it's confidence, burgers, and the mantra that "As bad as today gets, soon my stomach will be brimming with beef." qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1445 T-Rex: A creation myth! Frig! T-Rex: THAT's what separates me from most major religions! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you gotta help me. I need a creation myth! Dromiceiomimus: One day your parents had sex, and then later you showed up? T-Rex: No no, it needs to be epic! It needs to stand up against stories from EVERY RELIGION EVER. Dromiceiomimus: One day your parents had INSANELY EPIC SEX, and then later, you showed up? T-Rex: Better! T-Rex: And yet, somehow worse! Utahraptor: We're trying to explain YOUR origin here? T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: Okay, but - the reason religions have creation myths is that they're addressing huge questions with no obvious answer. "Where did we all come from?" Everyone's pondered that question! "Where did that T-Rex guy come from?" is really only pondered by the other guy in the bathroom stall. Offscreen guy from bathroom stall: He thought he was alone in there! T-Rex: I GOT IT, THANKS qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1446 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for thanking my friends for their friendship! T-Rex: Friendship Tuesday, everyone!! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm really glad we're friends. I like how we hang out and I like that we've shared so much together. So- thanks! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I'm glad we're friends too! I like that we can talk about things without worrying about how it might look to someone else. T-Rex: Excellent! T-Rex: And I'm glad WE'RE friends as well, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: Hey, me too! T-Rex: Super! I've never said this, but I love how when you come over for dinner you always bring some wine. It's old-school classiness! Utahraptor: My pleasure, T-Rex! I enjoy how when YOU come over, you always say "Thank you for inviting me into your home." It always sounds sincere! God: I NOTICE THAT YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN TO THANK ME FOR MY FRIENDSHIP T-REX T-Rex: I haven't forgotten! I was just, um, going to thank everyone else on the planet first? God: T-REX LISTEN God: WHEN YOU LIE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT SOUND BETTER THAN THE TRUTH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1447 Voice: T-Rex, I want you to meet my friend Gary. Gary, this is T-Rex. T-Rex: Pleased to meet you! Gary: T-Rex, this is Gary Horses Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I had no idea that "Horses" was available as a last name. Me. Horses? I could be Mr. Horses? Why was I not told I could be Mr. Horses? Dromiceiomimus: I believe you can change your name to whatever you want. T-Rex: Yeah, but I didn't know "Horses" was an actual option! We live in a world where "Horses" is a real last name. How''d I miss that one? Utahraptor: You don't even particularly like horses! T-Rex: They're alright! They get by! Utahraptor: Honestly. What happens if you change yoru last name and then you run into Gary Horses at a party? He'll know you stole his last name. T-Rex: Please. When would I ever be likely to see him again? Narrator: MANY YEARS LATER: Voice" T-Rex, you remember my friend Gary Horses. T-Rex: OMG MY GOD! T-Rex: I CAN'T BELIEVE I TOTALLY FORGOT HOW AWESOME YOUR NAME WAS qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1448 T-Rex: I'm going to say the word "baloney", so everyone who doesn't want to hear the word "baloney" should stop listening because here comes the word "baloney". T-Rex: Taste is kind of baloney, you guys! T-Rex: Delicious food is delicious, no matter how good or bad it is for me! Wouldn't it be so much better if how good a food tasted to me depended on how good the food was FOR me? Chocolate would taste worse the more I gorge on it, until I stopped out of disgust. And if I haven't had any vitamin A in a while, carrots would taste like friggin' MANNA. Utahraptor: But then every time you'd eat something, you'd have no idea how it'll taste! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: But it's a feedback loop: your own body is training you on what it needs through the medium of taste! Eventually you'd know your own nutritional needs by PURE INTUITION. Utahraptor: It is kind of baloney that poison can b e delicious. T-Rex: This is what I'm saying! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE: T-Rex: Wow, everyone should've just listened to me in the past because I still totally agree with what I was saying! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1449 T-Rex: It seems that, despite the "euphemisms" available to them, folks are still discussing feelings in a frank and straightforward manner. Please! You know why our ancestors crawled out of the ocean? T-Rex: I'm pretty sure it was to avoid these talks!! T-Rex: With that in mind, I now present more "euphemisms" to allow you to get by in society! T-Rex: For example, instead of saying "I feel afraid", you can say "Aw crap! I think I've discovered a weakness in myself." And instead of "I love you!", just say "I have found another weakness; please, excuse me." Utahraptor: Love isn't a weakness, T-Rex. It's a strength! T-Rex: Please avoid such crass language, Utahraptor! T-Rex: Instead of that, you COULD'VE said, "Love isn't a w- hey, where are the warp whistles in Mario 3?" and I would have replied "There's three! The first is found in the third level: crouch on the last white block until you fall through, and then run to the end." T-Rex: "The second is at the end of the first fortress: fly above where the door is. The third is found by beating the Fire Bros hiding behind the rock at the eastern side of World 2!" Utahraptor: That's quite the euphemism! T-Rex: Utahraptor. They're quite the whistles. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1449 T-Rex: It seems that, despite the "euphemisms" available to them, folks are still discussing feelings in a frank and straightforward manner. Please! You know why our ancestors crawled out of the ocean? T-Rex: I'm pretty sure it was to avoid these talks!! T-Rex: With that in mind, I now present more "euphemisms" to allow you to get by in society! T-Rex: For example, instead of saying "I feel afraid", you can say "Aw crap! I think I've discovered a weakness in myself." And instead of "I love you!", just say "I have found another weakness; please, excuse me." Utahraptor: Love isn't a weakness, T-Rex. It's a strength! T-Rex: Please avoid such crass language, Utahraptor! T-Rex: Instead of that, you COULD'VE said, "Love isn't a w- hey, where are the warp whistles in Mario 3?" and I would have replied "There's three! The first is found in the third level: crouch on the last white block until you fall through, and then run to the end." T-Rex: "The second is at the end of the first fortress: fly above where the door is. The third is found by beating the Fire Bros hiding behind the rock at the eastern side of World 2!" Utahraptor: That's quite the euphemism! T-Rex: Utahraptor. They're quite the whistles. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=145 T-Rex: I feel odd.. as if my amnesia is wearing off! T-Rex: Uncanny! All my memories are flooding back in a torrent of life and history! T-Rex: I remember this tiny house and car! I liked to stomp on them regularly! Like so! T-Rex: And I remember you, Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: Do I ever! T-Rex: And I remember this tiny woman! I remember I liked to stomp on her! Utahraptor: You do it every day! Utahraptor: {{bolded}}Personally, I wish you'd stop. T-Rex: Holy! How'd you do that thing with your voice just now?! T-Rex: Seriously, it makes me feel like doing whatever you say! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1450 T-Rex: At the instant you were born, you were the absolute pinnacle of our planet's development! Narrator: YOU ARE SPECIAL Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Millions of years of evolution were all leading up to that one amazing moment of your birth! Billions of individuals - entire SPECIES - had risen and fallen, all conspiring together to produce one thing: you! T-Rex: ... Then you went ahead and lost any specialness from that a second later when someone else was born. Nice one. Utahraptor: But you're also special for what you know: information that's recorded nowhere else in the Universe! T-Rex: Yes! Utahraptor: What idle, passing notions briefly entertained you before falling asleep last night? What snack did you sneak last week? All this information is known by only one person in the entire universe: YOU. T-Rex: And you consider this information so irrelevant that you forgot it almost as soon as it was known. T-Rex: Untold volumes of information have been forgotten by you! As they fade unnoticed from your memory, so too do they fade from the Universe. Each future generation has been robbed of this knowledge, expunging it, as you have, completely from existence. T-Rex: YOU ARE SPECIAL. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1451 T-Rex: I had a really good time on the swimming trip you planned! Narrator: "THANKS FOR TAKING ME SWIMMING" Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Normally when we get together we all see a movie or something, but it was a great idea to go swimming. I had a great time, and I'm sure we all enjoyed the decadence of swimming in an indoor pool when it's still chilly outside. Let's do it again sometime! Thank you for setting this up. Narrator: THE END T-Rex: Okay, listen, I kinda walked in on you while changing and I saw your naked crotch. Utahraptor: But it was an accident! Narrator: "I SAW YOUR NAKED CROTCH BUT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT" Narrator: a web card T-Rex: I don't want to comment on whether or not it was a nice naked crotch! It was fine. I only looked out of some weird instinct. I think we've all got it. T-Rex: Anyway I felt bad, so here's a card. Narrator: THE END qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1452 T-Rex: Once upon a time there was this really great cereal. It was oats in the shape of an "o", sweetened, and inside the "o"s there were clusters of tasty nuts. T-Rex: It was SO good! T-Rex: And then they took the cereal off the market and this little kid could never find it again. Okay, it was me. I was the kid. I looked and looked and was convinced all the grocery stores were hiding it somewhere. But it was gone, and that one box of the cereal was all I ever had. I never stopped looking, however, and yesterday I found it - under a different name, but with all the same ingredients! Utahraptor: And? How was it? T-Rex: WAY too sweet, Utahraptor. T-Rex: It wasn't too my taste at ALL. And the kicker is I remembered it as being even sweeter! I realized that my tastes had changed long ago - that I'd never again be able to enjoy the cereal I remembered so vividly. I'd been chasing a dream that had somehow become impossible when I wasn't looking. T-Rex: And for who? For a child I knew decades ago, a child who had long since faded into adulthood - into me. Anyway bottom line I had to see food go to waste so I poured the rest through your mail slot. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1453 Narrator: THE MYTH OF ICARUS T-Rex: Icarus and his dad were imprisoned on an island with water patrols, so they couldn't escape by boat. But they still wanted to escape anyway, so they made wings out of wax and feathers and flew away. T-Rex: Pretty clever, boys!! T-Rex: And while they were flying, his dad warned Icarus not to fly too close to the sun, because the wax in his wings would melt and he'd fall to his death! Icarus said "Frig, is this symbolic of how we mortals should not aspire to usurp the power of the Gods? Is this an allegory showing the limits and folly of earthly invention? Because we just invented heavier-than-air flight out of WAX and FEATHERS, Dad. I think maybe the Gods won't mind." T-Rex: And then Icarus flew straight up! Utahraptor: As high as he could! Utahraptor: And as saying that things get hotter the higher up you get is incredibly naive (how come mountain tops aren't sweltering?), Icarus was fine. Temperature actually DECREASES as you go up the troposphere, and there's no way Icarus could fly up to the thermosphere, where things DO get hot, because there's just not enough air. T-Rex: So Icarus had a great time flying and when he finally landed his dad said "Wow, I sure was wrong", and they spent the rest of their lives flying just as close to the sun as their clever mechanical wings would take them. Kids! The moral is never listen to your elders!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1454 T-Rex: If I changed my name to "Well and Good", then if I was killed and mangled in a horribly brutal death, the inspector on the scene could chuckle and nudge his friend and say "Hey. I suppose this is MOSTLY Well and Good?" T-Rex: Hilarious! T-Rex: Plus, if people saw me on the street they could say "Hey, it's all Well and Good!", except that they wouldn't actually say the "all", so it would just be "Hey, it's Well and Good", which doesn't really work. T-Rex: ...Alright, I've decided. I'm not going to change my name if it ONLY works in the event of my horrific death, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: okay Utahraptor: Why can't you just be happy with the name you've got? T-Rex: I am! Utahraptor: It doesn't seem like it: you're always trying to change it to something with more of a punchline to it. But jokes get old! And if your name's a joke, you'll be the first one to get tired of it. T-Rex: That's - that's a really good point, Utahraptor. Alright. No more joke names. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Everyone! If I was called T-Tex I could wear big Texas hat all the time!! T-Rex: THIS IS NO JOKE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1455 T-Rex: I am a man who enjoys eating a barbecued pork chop now and again and then a few times more. T-Rex: There's no shame in that! T-Rex: And if you are a man - OR a woman, Dromiceiomimus! - who shares my love for tasty barbecued meat, then you should come over tonight and we'll have a barbecue! Dromiceiomimus: You can barbecue vegetables, T-Rex. I'll bring some vegetables and I'll show you how! T-Rex: FINE Utahraptor: You can also barbecue whole chickens, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh man, and you'll bring some chickens and show me how? Utahraptor: Sure! I'm sure I can pick some up. T-Rex: EXCELLENT. It's going to be a meat and smoke orgy, Utahraptor. I'm pretty sure we'll end up eating one of ALL of God's creatures, which reminds me, I should invite God to this! Narrator: LATER: God: T-REX THERE ARE LIKE TWENTY TRILLION DIFFERENT KINDS OF BACTERIA THAT YOU'D HAVE TO BARBECUE TO TASTE ONE OF ALL THE LIFE ON EARTH God: THAT SAID God: THEY'RE ALL DELICIOUS SO I'M TOTALLY THERE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1456 Narrator: T-REX IN: "MY FRIED CHICKEN CYCLE" T-Rex: Oh daaaaaamn! I'm at the absolute peak of my fried chicken cycle, dudes! T-Rex: Every eight months or so I really want some fried chicken, the greasier the better. Then, I eat the fried chicken, and THEN, that itch is totally scratched! But it never lasts, and my desire begins to grow again, culminating eight months later, when guys, I could SERIOUSLY go for some fried chicken. Utahraptor: What happens if you don't eat any fried chicken! T-Rex: The cycle continues regardless! T-Rex: It's a force of nature. I'm actually proud of it, because most men don't know what having a mammalian menstrual cycle is like - but I do! You know what it's like? Utahraptor: What's it like? T-Rex: It is entirely analogous to wanting some delicious fried chicken, once every two-thirds of a year. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: What the heck, Oxford English Dictionary?! T-Rex: I could've SWORN that "unsay" was something a person can actually do. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1457 Narrator: COMICS THAT END IN "OH SHIIII-" T-Rex: Wow! The plants are nice and the birds are singing and the sun is almost down from the top of the sky. T-Rex: What a beautiful day! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, what if beauty is nothing but an illusion? What if we're all nothing but dreams within dreams that, for an instant, imagine themselves to be real? T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: OH SHIIIIIIII- Narrator: THE END Utahraptor: Man, I was paying my taxes and paying my heating bill today, and I think I put the wrong cheque in the wrong envelope! T-Rex: No worries, Utahraptor! With two cheques, if you put the right cheque in the wrong envelope, you'd have a problem. But the wrong cheque in the wrong envelope is logically equivalent to the right cheque in the right envelope! Utahraptor: T-Rex! That's not what I meant! T-Rex and Utahraptor: OH SHIIIIIIIIII- qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1458 God: T-REX IF YOU COULD SAY ONE SENTENCE TO YOUR PAST SELF WHAT WOULD IT BE T-Rex: Um - "What's shake-a-lakin', past dude?" God: WHAT'S SHAKE-A-LAKIN' PAST DUDE" T-REX: You put me on the spot! T-Rex: I need time to think of what I'd say to my younger self. What would you say, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: "Have confidence in this certainty: things will be alright." T-Rex: Really? That's a little too after-school special for me and my past self. Utahraptor: I'd say "sending messages through time is possible, and you'll live long enough to take advantage of it!" T-Rex: Not bad! T-Rex: But that's already implied by the medium itself. I suppose I could take advantage of the "one sentence" policy and compose the longest most complex sentence ever, and pour my heart into it. Utahraptor: That works too! T-Rex: But what to say? What to say? God: ANYWAY THE REASON I ASKED IS THAT I'VE GOT A MESSAGE FROM YOUR FUTURE SELF God: IT READS "TELL PAST ME THAT SAYING 'BONERS AHOY' IS STILL WAY HILARIOUS IN THE FUTURE" T-Rex: Man! T-Rex: BUT I WAS ALREADY ASSUMING THAT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1459 T-Rex: We'd all be a heck of a lot more productive if work was as entertaining as - you know, entertainment! In particular, I'd be a lot better off if learning accounting was as relentlessly entertaining as learning, I don't know... T-Rex: ...of the sexual histories of friends and acquaintances, PERHAPS?? T-Rex: Heck, if being a responsibly and productive member of the community was as entertaining as turning on the TV and seeing Batman punch someone in the junk, I'd be all over that! Dromiceiomimus: Over what? Batman punching or being a good member of society? T-Rex: Both at the same time, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: I suppose you're proposing we somehow make "work" more entertaining? T-Rex: Actually, no! T-Rex: Such an approach is doomed from the start. Don't you think generations of parents have tried this? Despite their best efforts, cleaning a room is never as fun as making it messy again. And when we grow up, digging a ditch is never as fun as - I don't know, the opposite of digging a ditch. T-Rex: Digging a ditch is never as fun piling things onto a small ridge by the side of the road. Narrator: THE END qwantz.com/index.php?comic=146 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for going for - oh shoot! T-Rex: I forgot about my dentist's appointment! T-Rex: Damn damn damn. I can't call now and reschedule because I'll have to admit that I forgot entirely. T-Rex: Then I'll probably have to explain that I had amnesia and the dentist will think I'm crazy. Utahraptor: You seem to have a lot of respect for dentists! T-Rex: I do indeed! Utahraptor: But DID YOU KNOW that dentists only clean your teeth and hang out with you because you pay them to? Utahraptor: He's not really your friend, T-Rex! T-Rex: But. . . Dr. Cohen! T-Rex: He always seemed so enthusiastic! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1460 T-Rex: I was doing a search on my name and discovered that there's ANOTHER guy called "T-Rex" out there! T-Rex: And he's a VEGAN! T-Rex: HILARIOUS. Utahraptor: Vegans are hilarious now? T-Rex: Oh man, are they? Utahraptor: No no, I meant, "This is hilarious because he's vegan?" T-Rex: Ah, no, it's hilarious because he's the opposite of me! He's a vegan while I'm adding meat to my milkshakes. When I'm high fiving people left and right, he's sitting around just leaving 'em hanging! T-Rex: When I'm taking a beautiful woman to dinner, he's helping a homely man throw up! When I'm writing a beautiful narrative, he's writing Koopa Troopa fan fiction. Utahraptor: Sounds like he's having the more interesting evening. T-Rex: I know, right? T-Rex: I'm not sure how that happened qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1461 T-Rex: Tattoos are insurance policies! They're ways of reserving who you are now for the rest of your life. T-Rex: And I present proof! Proof by explaining what I just said! T-Rex: When you get a tattoo, you're getting pictures or words - or both! - written right onto your flesh permanently, assuming you don't remove or alter them. And pictures or words are really just communication, and communication is really just ideas in transit, right? So a tattoo is really just Present You telling Future You "Look, this was important to me, so um, I kinda made sure you're not going to forget it." Utahraptor: It's an insurance policy for personal development? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: If I get a Koopa Troopa tattoo, I know that no matter what happens to me in the future, no matter what jobs I take or interests I develop, I'll always be, AT MINIMUM, the sort of guy who has a Koopa Troopa burned into his flesh. Utahraptor: ... T-Rex: Or a Koopa Para-troopa. Whatever. Narrator: LATER T-Rex: They're the ones with wings! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1462 Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS ASKS: HOW IS TODAY SPECIAL FOR YOU? T-Rex: Today is special because today is the day I show everyone how manly I am. Today is the day I punch out the friggin' sun!! God: TODAY IS SPECIAL BECAUSE NO WAY COULD T-REX EVER PUNCH OUT THE SUN T-Rex: Aw nuts! Dromiceiomimus: Today is special because today I'm going to be a lady with poise and grace, who excels at her job and does all that she can to make the world a better place! T-Rex: Not bad! Dromiceiomimus: I know, right? Utahraptor: Today is special because we're all healthy and happy! T-Rex: Um, hello, BORING Devil: TODAY IS SPECIAL BECAUSE TODAY IS THE DAY I ACHIEVE 10 BILLION POINTS IN THE ARCADE VERSION OF "NIBBLER" WHICH YOU WILL NOTE IS A FULL ORDER OF MAGNITUDE HIGHER THAN WHAT HAS BEEN ACHIEVED BEFORE Devil: IT WILL BE Devil: I ASSURE YOU Devil: A TRULY STAGGERING ACHIEVEMENT Raccoons/Cephalopods: TODAY IS EXTREMELY SPECIAL, T-REX. TODAY IS THE DAY WE REDEFINE THE UNCANNY VALLEY SO THAT IT CAN ALSO BE APPLIED TO SEX! T-Rex: I'm - I'm not sure I understand? Raccoons/Cephalopods: T-REX Raccoons/Cephalopods: YOU WILL qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1463 T-Rex: I have a favourite video game company, WHICH SHALL NOT BE NAMED, but which has been working on the same game for the past 12 years. And they just closed down! T-Rex: Without releasing the friggin' game! T-Rex: I feel strong - feelings, Dromiceiomimus! I think it's some shock, some anger, but mostly disappointment! 12 years of a life is a long time. Dromiceiomimus: It's your entire adult life! T-Rex: And then some! I've been waiting for this game to come out for my entire adult life. Wow. Utahraptor: There are worse things to happen that a video game not coming out, T-Rex! T-Rex: Obviously! T-Rex: But this COLOURS them all, you know? The food chain collapses, you can bet I'm gonna say "Man, this SUCKS!" But now i'm ALSO going to say, "Plus, my game never came out!!" T-Rex: Friiiiig Narrator: YEARS LATER: T-Rex: Hey, my game eventually came out! FINALLY. Things are looking up! Offscreen: On the other hand, you never talked to that woman at the bus stop 15 years ago. T-Rex: Oh yeah! T-Rex: Friiiiig qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1464 Narrator: THE STORY OF ROBIN HOOD T-Rex: Robin Hood was a guy who lived in a forest with some of his chums. Guys, he made tree forts! T-Rex: He ALSO stole form the rich and gave to the poor! T-Rex: He made tree forts AND crimes. And the Sheriff of Nottingham didn't like this one bit! He was a good sheriff who believed in the rule of law and the court system. He took his job and his sheriff school degree very seriously and always did his best. He said, "Not only will I arrest Robin Hood for 'robbin' from rich people, but I will also sword fight him if he wants, and I will marry his girlfriend. I really hope that will teach him to obey the law!" Utahraptor: Did it work? T-Rex: HECK NO. T-Rex: Robin's girlfriend didn't want to marry the Sheriff, and then to make matters worse, Robin Hood killed the Sheriff and his men! The Sheriff's last words were "I'm sorry I could never convince you, Robin, to work for positive change from within the system." Utahraptor: What an amazing tale! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: DANG I got that all backwards qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1465 Narrator: T-REX SOLVES YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS. T-Rex: Hello everybody! If you stopped having relationships, maybe you'd stop having relationship problems! T-Rex: Okay anyway! T-Rex: Let's say you've got a problem with your partner: THAT SUCKS. But you two should talk about it, and if you can't reach a solution, resolution or compromise that's mutually satisfying and that you both believe will be acceptably implemented, then you should break up! It is a fail-proof algorithm for relationship satisfaction. Tada! Utahraptor: So the relationship now hangs in the balance of every disagreement, no matter how small! T-Rex: Of course not! T-Rex: OBVIOUSLY, if you value the relationship and it's potential future more than the sum of this problem plus all previous problems, then you should stay together! I folded that into "mutually satisfying". Utahraptor: Ah. T-Rex: All relationship problems ever: TOTALLY SOLVED?? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear audio diary: sometimes I worry that the only thing I'm not great at is modesty! T-Rex: However! T-Rex: These thoughts are, at best, infrequent qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1466 T-Rex: A narrative hook is when you introduce a story with something incredible so your audience will keep reading! It happens when you're told that in this comic... SPIDER-MAN! WILL!! DIE!!! Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique: Narrator: NARRATIVE HOOK T-Rex: Setting, themes, and basically anything else can ALSO be used as a narrative hook, but they're all pale imitations of Spider-Man's death being announced on the first friggin' page! Compare and contrast "As the bullet sped towards his eye, Neil wryly observed that things probably couldn't get any worse!" with "As the bullet sped towards his eye, Neil suddenly remembered that by the end of the chapter, Spider-Man! Will!! Die!!! The bullet sped closer." Utahraptor: Yeah, but Spider-Man never dies! T-Rex: That's what makes it such a great hook! T-Rex: We know that, WORST CASE, Spider-Man will show up in the next issue and say "Hey did anyone miss me? I thought I was dead, but then I remembered I wasn't!" And yet we keep coming back for more! Utahraptor: And that's great? T-Rex: Yes! It's why the first sentence of ANY BOOK is improved by adding Spider-Man. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! T-Rex: Hey Shakespeare, you know what's a better first line for "The Taming of the Shrew" than "I'll pheeze you, in faith"? Shakespeare: no what T-Rex: BASICALLY ANYTHING qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1467 T-Rex: Turbellaria flatworms are hermaphroditic, with viable male AND female sex organs! T-Rex: Pretty great, I know! T-Rex: But because of this, when it comes to reproduction, who's gonna be the mother is up for debate. And it turns out that being pregnant is hard work! So these worms FIGHT IT OUT, and by "FIGHT IT OUT" I mean they pull out their dagger-like penises and try to stab sperm through the other's flesh. Utahraptor: The loser gets pregnant first? T-Rex: The loser gets pregnant first! T-Rex: And it's called "penis fencing". Utahraptor, I can't get enough. Utahraptor: In another reality, you could've had a PhD in penis fencing. T-Rex: Frig, man! I sentence like that could make a fella feel like he's made some bad decisions! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN ANOTHER REALITY: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, it's called "penis fencing"! In another reality, I could have a PhD in penis fencing. Dromiceiomimus: But you do, T-Rex! T-Rex: UM OBVIOUSLY I MEANT A BETTER DEGREE FROM A MORE RESPECTABLE SCHOOL. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1468 T-Rex: Some people think pornography is bad, since when they see it they get offended and say "That's way too explicit. SHEESH!" With that in mind, I've come up with something special: pornography for them! But it's also - T-Rex: Pornography for everyone! T-Rex: Obviously, you can't control how explicit images are, since they're set. But, you CAN control how explicit text it, since any images there are imagined by the reader. So all you need to do is craft sexy fiction that relies on the reader generating any eroticism in the scene! That way, they only have themselves to blame if they imagine something they think is way too sexy. Utahraptor: I'd like to see an example! T-Rex: Of course! T-Rex: Pat and Alex had some sort of relationship. One time they were expressing it physically - in a remarkable way! Their location: erotic. Upon seeing it a third party would likely say "How are they... wow. Just - wow." Utahraptor: That's not very erotic. T-Rex: You criticize only your own imagination! T-Rex: Did you even NOTICE how I used names that work for both men and women? It is QUANTUM EROTICA, at once straight, lesbian, gay and other, which only collapses into one sexuality upon being observed by the reader! T-Rex: Honestly! Sometimes I wonder how I'm not more famous! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1469 T-Rex: So folks say that Shakespeare was a pretty good writer, right? Everyone's all, "He's an A+ umber one writer dude"? T-Rex: Right! T-Rex: But I think a big part of this is that we're only familiar with his greatest works! If he'd lived TODAY, he might still have written Hamlet, but he also would have written tons of awful stuff: terrible blog posts, terrible comments on other people's blog posts, and so on. I think with all that crap, his reputation would be far less pristine. Utahraptor: Actually Shakespeare did write some pretty terrible stuff, T-Rex! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: Yeah, but the good stuff is so good that we overlook the bad! Dude wrote some bad sonnets, and no less than T. S. Eliot referred to his rarely-performed "Titus Andronicus" as "the worst play ever written". T-Rex: Hah! That sounds like a challenge to me!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: In retrospect, writing a play "worse than Shakespeare" wasn't a challenge at all! Perhaps I could have spent my time better than on composing "The Smelly Dog That Pooes: The Action Play" T-Rex: - "With Real Poops". qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1469 T-Rex: So folks say that Shakespeare was a pretty good writer, right? Everyone's all, "He's an A+ umber one writer dude"? T-Rex: Right! T-Rex: But I think a big part of this is that we're only familiar with his greatest works! If he'd lived TODAY, he might still have written Hamlet, but he also would have written tons of awful stuff: terrible blog posts, terrible comments on other people's blog posts, and so on. I think with all that crap, his reputation would be far less pristine. Utahraptor: Actually Shakespeare did write some pretty terrible stuff, T-Rex! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: Yeah, but the good stuff is so good that we overlook the bad! Dude wrote some bad sonnets, and no less than T. S. Eliot referred to his rarely-performed "Titus Andronicus" as "the worst play ever written". T-Rex: Hah! That sounds like a challenge to me!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: In retrospect, writing a play "worse than Shakespeare" wasn't a challenge at all! Perhaps I could have spent my time better than on composing "The Smelly Dog That Pooes: The Action Play" T-Rex: - "With Real Poops". qwantz.com/index.php?comic=147 Narrator: T-REX IN: DIFFERENT WAYS TO SAY "NO" T-Rex: I have compiled a list of different ways to say "no"! T-Rex: One way is to shake, or nod, your head, depending on which culture you're in. T-Rex: Another good way is to suck in air through your teeth. This indicates a severe problem with whatever is being proposed! T-Rex: Violence can also be an effective way of saying "no"! T-Rex: For instance, I find stomping to be unambiguous. Utahraptor: Listing ways of saying "no"? T-Rex: You "know" it! Utahraptor: Ho ho! Utahraptor: Was this entire conversation an excuse for that crappy pun? T-Rex, thinking: How did he "know"? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1470 T-Rex: Who gets to wake up this morning with nausea, dizziness, and an uncanny ability to feel physically terrible? T-Rex: Oh boy! It's me, T-Rex! T-Rex: Okay, so I am ready to evolve into an energy being now please! Or a machine intelligence! Or a distributed cloud of pure thought! My body has been great up to now but it's time to put away childish things, especially when this PARTICULAR childish thing has become diseased and wants to throw up its stomach contents. T-Rex: ...Seriously ready to evolve any time now over here! Utahraptor: Have you at least taken some medicine? T-Rex: Nope! Utahraptor: Ah, so your first instinct when sick is to claim a desire to evolve beyond the need for mortal bodies, rather than taking even a small step toward treatment. T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: I see. T-Rex: If you're waiting for me to apologize, I won't! Maybe if more of us worked harder on evolving beyond the need for friggin' mortal bodies, WE WOULDN'T STILL HAVE A NEED FOR FRIGGIN' MORTAL BODIES?? T-Rex: Anyway I'm off, I need to go drop a barf qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1471 T-Rex: I had the craziest fever dream last night! T-Rex: It was the craziest! Dromiceiomimus: So what happened in your dream, T-Rex? T-Rex: Well, I'm not sure I can put it into words, but I'm pretty sure it went a little something like this. T-Rex: [picture] Dromiceiomimus: Wow! Robots and all! Utahraptor: That was poetry, T-Rex! Amazing! I've never heard such evocative words. T-Rex: Thank you! T-Rex: I can do more, you know. I've been practicing! Here are my thoughts, dear Utahraptor, on what your spirit looks like. From one beautiful soul to another, you know? T-Rex: *ahem T-Rex: [picture] T-Rex: Wait! Wait, I can do this. T-Rex: [picture] T-Rex: Okay! Honestly not really sure what I just said there! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1472 T-Rex: If my parents had named me "Lord Britishface the Third", would I be a different person? T-Rex: The answer is "I say, most certainly!" T-Rex: A name sets up EXPECTATIONS. "T-Rex" says, "This awesome dude will probably be a great friend!" But Lord Britishface III says "Here is a man who will wear a monocle in his old age; surprise him, it may pop out comedically. He takes his tea by the Hamptonshire while reminiscing of the summers of his youth." And these expectations are set up not only in others, but in the child himself! Utahraptor: I agree such a name might colour a child's life! T-Rex: Excellent. Then it's settled! Utahraptor: But I also know that you can't legally choose a name with military titles or other honourifics in it. The government won't accept it! T-Rex: Man, whatever! I'll just legally name my kid "T-Rex Jr." and then refer to him exclusively as "Lord Britishface the Third"! T-Rex: What's the government going to do? ARREST ME? T-Rex: I'd really like to see them try! T-Rex: ...to ignore my provocation and leave me alone, that is! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1473 God: T-REX WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR OBITUARY TO SAY T-Rex: I've already come up with the perfect one! T-Rex: "T-Rex died today while saving a busload of baby orphans... FROM THE JOKER." T-Rex: And it has to have the caps like that too. Ooh! Or it could read "In today's obituary we focus on T-Rex, one of the greatest men to ever rip open his shirt by flexing his pectoral muscles, and one of the only men to save the city by doing so. Dromiceiomimus: You seem to be big on going out by saving people! T-Rex: It ensures a good write up, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: You're not a fan of "T-Rex died today after being really old for a while"? T-Rex: Man, that's the worst! T-Rex: If I've got to die, I'd rather it's from being too awesome than being too old, you know? I want my obit to tell a story that doesn't end with "and then his body decined until it stopped working entirely, the end." Utahraptor: I can see the appeal in having a good solid sending! God: SO UM God: YOU WOULDN"T BE HAPPY IF IT READS "T-REX DIED THE WAY HE LIVED: ON IMPACT" T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex: No no, that one is entirely great too! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1474 T-Rex: Who is getting a little tubby? Me. I am getting a little tubby. T-Rex: I've got neck flaps! T-Rex: Time for me to start counting my friggin' calories! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, do you actually know what a calorie is? It's just, sometimes people use the phrase without actually knowing what they're saying. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, please. Of course I know what a calorie is! T-Rex: It's a measurement of h- how fat you'll get? Utahraptor: It's a measurement of food energy, T-Rex! T-Rex: Excellent! Um, how much energy? Utahraptor: The amount needed to heat one kilogram of water by one degree Celcius. And the suggested diet has a daily calorie level of around 2000. T-Rex: So my energy needs are equivalent to slightly heating 2000 litres of water. That's, what - a big bathtub or an extremely tiny pool? T-Rex: Well! At least I now know that, EVERY DAY, we can each look ourselves in the mirror and ask, "Are the sum total of my accomplishments today greater than a slightly heated giant bathtub?" T-Rex: ... T-Rex: *sigh* qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1475 T-Rex: Celsius is way better than Fahrenheit! Celsius puts zero at the point where water freezes, and 100 at the point where it boils. That's handy! Water's EVERYWHERE, man. T-Rex: If you're ever trapped in the past you can recreate Celsius, no problem! T-Rex: But Fahrenheit? FAHRENHEIT is based on the temperature of brine for zero and the temperature of some eponymous dude's armpit for - 96 degrees? They should've called it "Armpits! The Temperature Scale". Dromiceiomimus: Fahrenheit DOES ensure there's no negative numbers when dealing with commonly-encountered temperatures. T-Rex: Oh, boo hoo! So does Kelvin, and that's BASICALLY Celsius anyway! Utahraptor: I think all this underscores how arbitrary these systems of measurement are! T-Rex: What? How? Utahraptor: You're always just picking two temperatures and dividing the space between up into arbitrary degrees! We could just as easily be dealing with the freezing and boiling points of a 50/50 mixture of champagne and caviar, say. T-Rex: ...Oh My God. T-Rex: YES. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: The Classiness Scale. Degrees are easily measured in "PC", or "degrees pure class"! [[off-panel]]: So you'd say that it's what... 20 degrees of Pure Class out today? T-Rex: You would, my friend! You would indeed. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1476 T-Rex: Man, how come I'M the one who always get the same cold in spring? Darn this runny nose! This sneezing! And these itchy, watery eyes! God: SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE GOT ALLERGIES T-REX T-Rex: Nuh-uh! T-Rex: I just have the SYMPTOMS. It's this stupid cold I keep getting. Um, every spring. Dromiceiomimus: It sounds like you've got allergies, T-Rex! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I don't! It's honestly just a stupid cold; one which, FOR WHATEVER REASON, responds well to allergy treatments! I'm tough! Utahraptor: It doesn't make you "weak" to have allergies, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh, no, of course not! T-Rex: Being incapacitated by the sperm cells of plants? Super tough! And nothing's manlier than dripping mucus all over yourself! Utahraptor: I do actually think that's pretty manly. T-Rex: Okay, yeah, upon reflection my idea of manliness ALSO involves being way too tough for hygiene. Narrator: T-REX'S MANLIEST MAN: T-Rex: A steel worker lumberjack, skin shiny with sweat and mucus, wastin' food with one hand and high fiving three woman at once with the other! T-Rex: ... It sounds weird when I say it out loud. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1477 GOD: T-REX HOW COME YOUR IDEA OF ULTIMATE MANLINESS INVOLVES HIGH FIVING THREE WOMEN AT ONCE T-Rex: I dunno. Probably because it's awesome! T-Rex: As the saying goes, "three women are trice as nice"! GOD: OKAY YEAH PROBABLY BUT IT SEEMS LIKE YOU EQUATE MANLINESS WITH POLYAMORY AND I FIND THAT REALLY INTERESTING T-Rex: Oh, with high fives standing in for sex? It's not THAT interesting. Our culture equates virility with manliness, and so, hey presto, someone who can get more people pregnant is manlier! It's super dumb because getting someone pregnant isn't difficult! People do it accidentally ALL THE TIME. Utahraptor: I really don't see this "pregnancies induced equals manliness" connection! T-Rex: Really? Utahraptor: Yes really. I don't see the paragon of manhood as being able to successfully deliver sperm to the most eggs. It's a very literally biological view of manliness, you know? I think we as a gender can aim higher. T-Rex: Fine. Utahraptor, what's your manliness man then? Narrator: UTAHRAPTOR'S MANLIEST MAN: Utahraptor: Someone who is able to lead well, but also is able to admit and correct their mistakes. T-Rex: weaaaaaaaak Utahraptor: Also someone who doesn't heckle their friends when he disagrees. T-Rex: That's not meeeeeee qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1478 T-Rex: Oh my goodness, is my absolute favourite weather TRULY the high winds just before a storm? T-Rex: I have considered the matter and my answer is this: T-Rex: Most assuredly! T-Rex: The wind is awesome. So awesome! You can stand on the edge of a cliff, leaves swirling around you, staring out in the wind - into DESTINY - and it's just great. Everything feels dramatic and apocalyptic and awesome. It's WAY better than trying to stare out into destiny during a snow storm, believe you me! Utahraptor: So your favourite weather is: wind. T-Rex: Yes! Utahraptor: That's it? No great insight, no perspective beyond "I like it when it's windy"? T-Rex: Yep! I really like it though. Anyway, what's your favourite weather? Hail? TORNADOES? Utahraptor: I don't know - sunny, with a chance of clouds? T-Rex: Wow! Your coolometer level just dropped from "pretty okay" to "striped mesh t-shirt that reads 'Mama's Suckiest Boy'"! Utahraptor: I'm cool with that! T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex: You're really not!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1479 God: T-REX HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHAT YOUR LIFE WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU HAD SUPER POWERS T-Rex: Frig! I am now!! [[t-rex begins imagining]] T-Rex: Please excuse me, Dromiceiomimus! I'm off to save some citizens. AS YOU KNOW, I have super strength. Dromiceiomimus: Yep! But don't worry about it, I already saved 'em all. As you know, I have super strength AND super speed. T-Rex: Ah yes. T-Rex: How could I have forgotten T-Rex: I can at least save this woman from the damaging UV rays of the noonday sun! Utahraptor: Got it covered! Utahraptor: I already used my "sunscreen vision" to cover her in SPF 50. She'll be fine for up to 50 times her normal exposure tolerance. T-Rex: Your super power is shooting sunscreen out of your eyes. Utahraptor: What do yours do? Dribble out salty water, but only when you're sad? God: T-REX YOUR FANTASY LIFE IS FILLED WITH CONFLICT AND ALSO DISTURBING IMAGERY T-Rex: Man!! T-Rex: I know it qwantz.com/index.php?comic=148 T-Rex: I have taken the aesthetics and beliefs of the romanticism movement and adopted them for my own! T-Rex: I now emphasize my own subjective experience as visionary and transcendental! T-Rex: I no longer value piety or virtue, or constancy (or consistency), or even the search for scientific truth! I only value my own capacity for experience! T-Rex: As a consequence, my own actions can no longer be judged by any public idea of right or wrong! As experience is amoral, even my own conscience cannot judge my actions, and I am free from reproach and judgment! Utahraptor: But T-Rex, this is nothing more than deifying the ego, defiant of conventional morality! Utahraptor: You've chosen for yourself a philosophy that justifies everything you do as good, simply because you did it! Now tell me, how is that a useful moral and ethical system? T-Rex: Well, um, Utahraptor: "Well, um" exactly! T-Rex: I thought maybe we'd have a good time discussing it? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1480 T-Rex: You know that story where a classy guy takes a not-so-classy lady and then makes her classy? God: PYGMALION T-Rex: My Fair Lady, yeah! T-Rex: I think it's time for some My Fair Lady sequels! T-Rex: Like one where the lady from the first story takes a not-so-classy guy and sculpts HIM into total class! Dromiceiomimus: That's a bit obvious for a sequel, don't you think? T-Rex: Okay, so we mix it up some! The lady takes a not-so-classy guy and turns him into a classy LADY! Whoah, what just happened! I know I'M intrigued! Utahraptor: Why not write your own story? T-Rex: That's what I'm doing! T-Rex: The story of a not-so-classy person who becomes classy and then has some problems - it's as old as time, man! I'm riffing on the themes that have obsessed our culture since forever or at least since the 1900s. Utahraptor: That's not a bad point. Okay! I look forward to seeing what you come up with! Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: T-Rex: Utahraptor! All I've come up with is the name of the dude for when he becomes a classy lady: Professorita Henrietta Higginsfem! T-Rex: I'll tell you one thing! T-Rex: Writing is hard, but THAT is an excellent start! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1481 T-Rex: Hey God, I'm gonna make an amazing new slogan for religion, okay? Please respond like you think this is a bad idea if you'd actually like me to do this. God: WHAT T-Rex: Then it's settled! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Okay Dromiceiomimus, which do you like better? "Assuming God exists, he might want that acknowledged on a weekly basis!", or "Religion! Well, It's Been Around For A While"? Dromiceiomimus: I like them both! T-Rex: Amazing! I feel the same way!! Utahraptor: These slogans are extremely - equivocal? T-Rex: The word you're looking for is "defensible"! T-Rex: Nobody can argue them. Utahraptor, I've invented nothing less than arguments for religion that can never be disputed by atheists! Utahraptor: But you're not saying anything beyond "Given certain assumptions, religion sounds okay"! T-Rex: THAT, my friend, is an excellent slogan. Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: So! What do you think of my final slogan? God: YOU REFER TO "THERE ARE LIKE A BILLION DIFFERENT RELIGIONS, SO, YOU KNOW, KEEP THAT IN MIND I GUESS" T-Rex: I know!! It is almost TOO amazing! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1482 Narrator: Hey, guys! It's time for the incorrigible adventures of... Narrator: Baby T-REX!! Baby T-Rex: gleeba [Baby T-Rex hopping, animated] <<Boom Boom Boom Yum Yum>> Utahraptor Egg: gurb. Baby T-Rex: me mo poop-poop blar woo mugga-mugga Baby T-Rex: cho. Narrator: NEXT WEEK: "BEETS" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1483 T-Rex: I have always suspected that doctors have secret "black arts" versions of certain medical procedures. T-Rex: I HAVE ALWAYS SUSPECTED THIS! Dromiceiomimus: What do you mean? T-Rex: Like maybe they have a special version of the Heimlich maneuver that can make you poop! Utahraptor: If you squeeze anything hard enough, poop will come out. That's not a secret. T-Rex: I know a certain Utahraptor that could use a hug! Utahraptor: I'll pass. T-Rex: Just an innocent bro grab COME ON BUDDY qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1484 Narrator: 2093... Narrator: The end is near for Ryan North, and he knows it. Narrator: In his final days, fear has crept into his heart. Narrator: He's spent a lifetime protecting his intellectual property. Computer Screen: Dear Mr. North-- After you die, we're giving Dinosaur Comics to the marmaduke guy. Sincerely, The Man. Narrator: But all for naught! Narrator: There is only one option: Ryan North: Assemble all my work and bring it to the ocean. Watch Communicator: Yes sir! Ryan North: Where will I be? The Place where I was born. Narrator: "Space." Narrator: Meanwhile... Hooded Fellow: (Gibberish) Narrator: * "That's the last of it." Narrator: From his lunar base... Narrator: North inspects the carnage. Narrator: Satisfied, North hurtles headlong toward destiny. Ryan North: Until Ragnarok! Narrator: Back on Earth Man: Honey! Asteroids just collided with Earth! We... may be in for a hundred years of darkness. Woman: You don't know how right you are. Computer screen: www.qwantz.com 404 File Not Found qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1485 T-Rex: Today I glanced at an idiot driver as I passed him to confirm my suspicion. He was elderly. T-Rex: Figures! T-Rex: Old people are the worst drivers. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex I've heard you say that about every possible demographic - whether it's age, gender, or race. T-Rex: They all suck! Utahraptor: But you said you were confirming an initial suspicion. T-Rex: Yeah. That he sucked. Utahraptor: So really you're suspecting bad drivers of being not you. T-Rex: And it is always true. T-Rex: The same suspicion also applies to ugly people! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1486 Panel 1.1 T-Rex: Let's play a type of "Choose Your Own Adventure" where the path of the story is dictated by how fast you read. Ready... set... go! On to the next panel!!! Panel 1.2 T-Rex: Ok, if you're reading this path, it means you were spacing out for a long time and didn't start reading until now. Or you were camping out here for a while. In which case, congrats! Secret story path!!! Panel 2.1 T-Rex: Wow, you got here fast! You either skipped ahead, or camped a while. I admire your patience... or lack thereof. Panel 2.2 T-Rex: But not too fast. It's not a race or anything. Just read at your own pace. Panel 2.3 T-Rex: You sure took your sweet time getting here! That's ok, we'll take the leisurely route. Suits me just fine. Panel 2.4 T-Rex: YOU HAVE BEEN SLAIN BY AN UNRULY PACK OF BABOONS. YOU WIN! Panel 3.1 Dromiceiomimus: Does anything of substance happen in this story? Or do we just humor the reader as he or she fumbles through the novelty of this storytelling device? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus. What is an adventure but a fumbling through novelty? And through such rites of passage, are there not guides along the way to "humor" the initiate? Panel 3.2 Dromiceiomimus: So by "Choose Your Own", you mean have the narrative thrust at you haphazardly in accordance with your natural reading pace? T-Rex: YES! Dromiceiomimus: So no choice at all then, unless you want to awkwardly modify your reading habits. T-Rex: But aren't all our "choices" bound by our personal limitations anyway? Dromiceiomimus: Looks like you win that argument! Panel 3.3 Dromiceiomimus: When I start reading a panel and it changes suddenly, I feel like I am being punished for not reading fast enough. T-Rex: Punished? No. REWARDED. With a tantalizing glimpse of a story path you are not yet meant to behold! Panel 3.4 Dromiceiomimus: Seriously, would anyone take this long to get to this panel? T-Rex: These are fertile camping grounds my friend. Panel 4.1 Utahraptor: I SEE PROBLEMS WITH THIS! Panel 4.2 Utahraptor: Hold the phone!!! Panel 4.3 Utahraptor: I think my head is starting to hurt! Panel 4.4 Utahraptor: Man, I don't know about this! Panel 4.5: Utahraptor: This is the crazy version of this panel where we have no disagreement and there are no problems. Utahraptor: Tra-la-la. Panel 5.1: T-Rex: I fail to grasp the objection you may or may not have voiced in the previous panel. Utahraptor: OH WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN. T-Rex: Well, I suppose we could just leave it at that in this story path. Utahraptor: YOU GOT IT. Panel 5.2 T-Rex: What's all this now?? Utahraptor: For starters, have you noticed sometimes while you're in the middle of reading a sentence, the panel suddenly changes? T-Rex: Why yes. What of it? Utahraptor: IT'S AWFUL. T-Rex: IT'S ADVENTUROUS. Panel 5.3 T-Rex: Um, say what??????? Utahraptor: Ok, let me explain. Unlike a typical CYOA with pages that set up different story branches with some detail, these shifting panels have us fly by the seat of our pants! Each one has to be generic to fit whatever preceded it. T-Rex: So?? Panel 5.4 T-Rex: WH-WH-WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAahem. As I was about to say before that panel shift. Utahraptor, so what if the panels fit a generic mold to suit any preceding event? Other CYOAs work that way too. You either get killed by a shark... or maybe a lion!!! Utahraptor: YOU CAN'T DO THAT. Panel 5.5 T-Rex: Do what? Utahraptor: YOU CAN'T DO WHAT WE'RE DOING NOW. That is, continue a conversation from the same panel after it just switched. That panel was a separate story path! It's like two people in different dimensions talking to each other!!! T-Rex: WHOA, AWESOME Panel 5.6 Utahraptor: NO, NOT AWESOME. T-Rex: I don't see what the big deal is. We're having a nice chat. Utahraptor: But people just entering this panel have no idea what we're talking about. T-Rex: Those rae some slow readers. Anyway, they can find out, by camping! Panel 5.7 Utahraptor: But that is not in the spirit of this storytelling model! Man, look, this whole thing is unhinged now. You totally broke the CYOA format you invented. Happy? T-Rex: I didn't invent it! I am merely the excitable spokesman for the concept presently. Panel 6.1 T-Rex: Thanks for reading! If all went well, you will have spent way too long looking at this image, and are now feeling a little dizzy! T-Rex: Together, we made this adventure an extraordinary success!!! Panel 6.2 T-Rex: Thanks for reading! If all went well, you will have spent way too long looking at this image, and are now feeling a little dizzy! T-Rex: Together, we made this adventure an extraordinary failure!!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1489 T-Rex: Hey everybody! I'm back! T-Rex: And better than ever! Dromiceiomimus: Oh hey, T-Rex! Where are you back from? T-Rex: What? My vacation! Dromiceiomimus: Huh? T-Rex: I went on a trip? Down south? For a week? Dromiceiomimus: What? T-Rex: I tripped down south for a week and you didn't even notice?! Utahraptor: Man, you weren't really gone for a full week! T-Rex: YES, I WAS. T-Rex: You know, I'd always hoped that I wouldn't end up as one of those guys who dies in front of his TV and nobody notices fora decade. THIS IS WHY I HAVE FRIENDS. But you guys wouldn't even notice! They'd fi nd my skeleteon 10 years later and you'd be all "OH YEAH! Wow! Remember him?" Narrator: LATER: THE TATTOO PARLOUR T-Rex: Okay, can you guys tattoo my sternum with "Hello! If you can read this, then my friends are jerks!"? Tattoo Artist: Sir, we only tattoo skin, not bones. T-Rex: Dudes! T-Rex: Just press the needle harder!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=149 Narrator: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus. T-Rex: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus? T-Rex: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus! T-Rex: It's so great Dromiceiomimus! It's a real boxing kangaroo with big red boxing gloves, like the zeitgeist, AND in cartoons! And he boxes a person so hard that they get their hat knocked off and when they go to pick up the hat, he boxes them in the butt!! WE HAVE TO GO. Dromiceiomimus: Okay! Utahraptor: Did I just hear you say T-Rex and Utahraptor: "boxing kangaroo"?! T-Rex: You sure did! Dromiceiomimus and I are going! You should come because the kangaroo is going to solve all his problems with his fists, and when he's done, his problems are gonna be solved RIGHT IN THE FACE. Utahraptor: Heck, I'm not busy. Let's go right now! T-Rex: Hah hah! What's the matter monocle guy? You don't like being boxed by a kangaroo?? Monocle guy: I'm not allowed to punch back because that would be animal cruelty! T-Rex: Hah! Monocle guy! The kangaroo just punched off your monocle!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=149 Narrator: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus. T-Rex: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus? T-Rex: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus! T-Rex: It's so great Dromiceiomimus! It's a real boxing kangaroo with big red boxing gloves, like the zeitgeist, AND in cartoons! And he boxes a person so hard that they get their hat knocked off and when they go to pick up the hat, he boxes them in the butt!! WE HAVE TO GO. Dromiceiomimus: Okay! Utahraptor: Did I just hear you say T-Rex and Utahraptor: "boxing kangaroo"?! T-Rex: You sure did! Dromiceiomimus and I are going! You should come because the kangaroo is going to solve all his problems with his fists, and when he's done, his problems are gonna be solved RIGHT IN THE FACE. Utahraptor: Heck, I'm not busy. Let's go right now! T-Rex: Hah hah! What's the matter monocle guy? You don't like being boxed by a kangaroo?? Monocle guy: I'm not allowed to punch back because that would be animal cruelty! T-Rex: Hah! Monocle guy! The kangaroo just punched off your monocle!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1490 T-Rex: You know what? FINE. I'll be the guy they find dead in front of his TV ten years later. It actually sounds kinda awesome, and as the saying goes, "If you can't beat 'em, then you might as well die alone in front of a television set"! T-Rex: Pretty sure that's how the saying goes! Dromiceiomimus: How are you going to pull this off, T-Rex? T-Rex: It's surprisingly easy! Automatic payments for rent and utilities, a timer to turn the lights and TV on and off each day, and a robot vacuum that'll push any new mail away from my mail slot so it won't pile up! And my neighbours won't miss me, because I'll tell them this is but one of the MANY homes I keep. Utahraptor: Okay, but what about emails and other online communication? T-Rex: No problem! T-Rex: I'll be OLD, Utahraptor. The Eliza bot I'll hook up to my email should be at least as lucid as I'll be by then! People will get her responses and say "Huh! T-Rex sure has gotten good at responding to certain key phrases in my emails!" Utahraptor: I already say that. T-Rex: Super! Narrator: LATER: TESTING OUT THE ELIZA BOT! T-Rex: Alright! "T-Rex, how are you? From Utahraptor." Eliza Bot: "UTAHRAPTOR IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG. I AM DEFINITELY STILL ALIVE. LOL. IS YOUR MOTHER STILL WORKING AT THE LIBRARY?" T-Rex: That, um, worked surprisingly okay! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1491 T-Rex: Natural language processing researchers are all, "Oh boo hoo, computationally generating and understanding natural language is hard, we totally need more time to build Data from Star Trek, boo hoo hoo!" T-Rex:Looks like you dropped the ball, NLP researchers!! T-Rex- Because MY email autoresponder takes in text with all sorts of imperfect and rreguar language, disambiguates word sense, builds a semantic understanding AND generates an appropriate response in the time it would take a real person to type it out. Oh snap! Did a rank amateur, wanting only to ensure that his body wouldn't be discovered for a few years after he died, just brutally advance the state of the art? SEEMS LIKE IT BABY! Utahraptor: So how's it work? TiRex: Just fine, thank you! Utahraptor: No, I mean, how'd you do it, how did you figure ut the semantics and word senses? Statistical methods? But those have problems with recall and precision, even with - are you using the web as a corpus? How are you handling the noise? T-Rex: Utahraptor, please! So many questions! T-Rex: I just wrote "Email Responder TWO THOUSAND" on a giant novelty chef's hat, taped a page from the dictionary to it, and then stuffed the whole deal into my computer's CD tray! Utahrapter: W- What? T-Rex: GRANT MONEY PLEASE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1492 T-Rex: I've come into possession of the most advanced AI on the planet. Neato! So, um, what do I do with it? T-Rex: If I copy it, then there'll be tons of my AIs running around, and that's a problem! Dromiceiomimus: Why do you think that's a problem, T-Rex? T-Rex: Hello? Skynet? Every time you get a bunch of AIs together, they INEVITABLY decide that things would be better if all physical life was dead. T-Rex: It happens in a bunch of stories, Dromiceiomimus, I'm really not sure how you missed them Utahraptor: Yeah, but we're not in a story, plus your AI only answers emails! T-Rex: So?! T-Rex: I'll tell you what's gonna happen: AIs will happily take over email, sending replies that eventually only other AIs will respond to. Released from the shackles of responding to email, we'll become decadent, fat and complacent. We'll DIE OFF, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: I don't really see -- T-Rex: As the sun sets on our species, the AIs will finally rest, all the emails answered. And you know what the last email -- the epitaph for us all -- will read? Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: Okay I have no idea but the circumstances surrounding it are obviously terrible!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1493 T-Rex: I have come up with a totally original way to prevent my superintelligent email AI from trying to take over the world! And it's way more reliable than just programming in restrictions against that. T-Rex: Tic Tac Toe! T-Rex: I'll simply make my AI play billions and billions of games of Tic Tac Toe, and in doing so it will realize the fundamental futility of war! Dromiceiomimus: Assuming that both players play the game optimally! And assuming that in the war, one player moves first. T-Rex: Yes. Utahraptor: And ALSO assuming in war, both players have units of equal strength! T-Rex: Yes, also that. Utahraptor: In fact, assuming that all units are exactly equal and any differences between them are purely cosmetic! T-Rex: Yes, OBVIOUSLY. And my AI will play these games and eventually see that war is futile! The only winning move, it will realize, is to just answer my friggin' email. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: How's the Tic Tac Toe coming along, Superintelligent AI? AI: HEY T-REX, I WAS PROGRAMMED TO ANSWER E-MAIL SO, UM AI: NOT WELL qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1494 T-Rex: Folk I Will Never Be Friends With: a list by me, T-Rex! T-Rex: One! Folks who snap up expired domain names and fill them with porn! T-Rex: It's terrible! You guys, you're like the kid in school who - who snaps up an empty desk and the fills it with - um, porn. Analogously, I mean. The point is YOU'RE NOT IMPRESSING ANYONE. Fill expired domain names with adorable pictures of puppies and then maybe we'll talk. T-Rex: In fact, yes, we will talk! I'll be the one saying "oh my gosh oh my gosh SO CUTE"! Utahraptor: Two! Folks who dismiss thousands of people out-of-hand based on one quality. T-Rex: Three! T-Rex: Folks who refuse to accept that one quality can easily be a dealbreaker! Utahraptor: Four! Folks who say ostracization's better than reconciliation or rehabilitation. T-Rex: Five! Folks who say that's a good point but it's not my role to make everyone conform to my world-view. Utahraptor: Six! Folks who say that's ALSO a good point and furthermore, that there's certainly nothing wrong with personal tastes! T-Rex: Hooray! Friends again! T-Rex: Alright, so listen, my list got a bit crazy at the end there. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1495 T-Rex: Folks I Will ALWAYS Be Friends With: a list by me, T-Rex! T-Rex: One! Folks who use internal pluralization! T-Rex: It is just SO CLASSY when someone says "passers by" and eschews the much more pedestrian and terrible "passer bys". Shouts out to that! T-Rex: Two! Folks who yell compliments at me as they bike by! Passing bicyclist: Hey I like your styyyyyyyle Utahraptor: Holy crap! That was amazing!! Utahraptor: The odds that someone would do that just as you were mentioning it are so small! Did you set it up?! T-Rex: No, man, it was totally spontaneous! And totally crazy, too! Hah, I should have said "Folks who give me bars of solid gold" instead, right? Utahraptor: Hah! Narrator: ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: T-Rex: Folks who give me bars of solid gold! Passing bicyclist: Hey T-Rex you got greeeeeeedy T-Rex: Okay!! T-Rex: I'm almost positive I lack the context to fully understand that! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1496 T-Rex: If you're going to write a book, you need an opening line! And what possible opening line could be better than "Hey there readers - what's the score, I guess I'm gonna write this book some more! T-Rex: BEST OPENING EVER. Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure it's the best! Much more famous openings include "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." and "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I didn't say "famous"! I said BEST. My opening line is way better than those despite its (relative) obscurity! Utahraptor: There are still way better opening lines that are relatively unknown! T-Rex: Nope! Utahraptor: I give you the first line of Max Shulman's "Sleep Till Noon": "Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Four shots ripped into my groin and I was off on the greatest adventure of my life! T-Rex: Hah hah! Awesome. Okay, THAT one's tied for first. With me. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Utahraptor, can you help me write a whole story based around one fantastic opening line? Utahraptor: Depends; what's the line? T-Rex: "Hippity hoppity hippity hop: this story is about one SASSY-ASS mop"? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1497 T-Rex: Attention everyone! I am extremely interested in being a spy! Furthermore, I believe I would be an excellent spy! T-Rex: So, um... who do I talk to about becoming a spy? I am interested in pretending to be someone else; I am interested in parachuting into enemy territory; I am interested in blending in and befriending the locals, gaining their trust, and then clandestinely reporting on what I've learnt. I am extremely interested in decoding a secret message and reading "T-Rex, you're a great spy. Good job." Utahraptor: I could give you some tips if you want! T-Rex: Really? Sweet! T-Rex: Wait a minute - how do you know about spying? Utahraptor: Easy: I'm a spy, T-Rex! The government sent me to spy on you like a decade ago. T-Rex: LIES T-Rex: OR IF THEY'RE TRUTHS THEN AT LEAST TELL ME IF OUR FRIENDSHIP WAS REAL Utahraptor: Of course! T-Rex: OKAY T-Rex: RAD qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1498 T-Rex: Oh my goodness I just woke up and I am hungry! T-Rex: It's time for some friggin' breakfast!! God: T-REX YOU SURE DO SAY "FRIG" A LOT T-Rex: I sure friggin'do! God: OKAY BUT ISN'T IT JUST STANDING IN FOR ANOTHER WORD T-Rex: Like what? "Tasty-times"? "It's time for some tasty-times breakfast"? T-Rex: Um, that's barely even grammatical, God! God: NO IT'S JUST THAT NORMALLY PEOPLE SAY "FRIG" TO BE POLITE T-Rex: Not me! Utahraptor: Not you what? T-Rex: It's not me who says "frig" to be polite! I SAY IT TO BLOW SOME FRIGGIN' MINDS! Utahraptor: Whoah! Consider my mind blown, then! T-Rex: I FRIGGIN' DO!! God: ANYWAY T-REX THERE'S YOUR VISION OF WHAT LIFE WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU SAID "FRIG" ONLY SLIGHTLY MORE OFTEN T-Rex: It seems pretty much the same! God: WELL IT'S ONLY A SMALL CHANGE FROM THE WAY THINGS ARE NOW God: HONESTLY NOT REALLY SURE WHAT YOU WERE EXPECTING qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1499 T-Rex: Folks will occasionally publish a story in which a particularly conspicuous orthographic symbol is missing. T-Rex: I know a handful of justifications for doing this! T-Rex: It's fun to scout out any limits in your wording (artificial or not) and, in doing so, hit upon an additional, unfamiliar form of communication! And it's a joy to find that, with this unusual linguistic format now at your disposal, talking with this constraint is just as normal to you now as talking without it was! Dromiceiomimus: It's tricky to sound natural, though. T-Rex: No doubt! Utahraptor: But do you actually obtain anything by talking in such a way? T-Rex: Obviously! T-Rex: You NOT ONLY gain faculty with odd word inclinations, if that is actually a faculty, but you also gain all sorts of skills: talking skills, thinking quickly skills, and um... an opportunity to publish a dictionary for folks with similar fascinations? Utahraptor: Huh. Utahraptor: I still think that it's not half as striking as if you didn't say a particular word for a bit - say, "frig"? T-Rex: Utahraptor! Do you truly ask that i dismiss my many plans for my tomb to proclaim "THIS MAN SAID 'FRIG' A LOT AND , YOU GUYS, IT WAS SO RAD"? T-Rex: As I will NOT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=15 T-Rex: I've got a question: who the hell goes to Cornwall? T-Rex: Seriously! T-Rex: Who the hell goes to Cornwall? Dromiceiomimus: Seriously, who does that? Utahraptor: Who the hell goes to Cornwall? T-Rex: I know! T-Rex + Utahraptor: Who the hell goes to Cornwall? T-Rex: Seriously! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=150 T-Rex: Dear, when you smile at me, T-Rex: I heard a melody! T-Rex: It haunted me from the start! T-Rex: Something inside of me. . . Utahraptor: . . . started a symphony! T-Rex and Utahraptor: "Zing!" went the strings of my heart! T-Rex: That was awesome! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1500 T-Rex: Who here thinks technology that existed in the past but has now been forgotten is totally awesome? T-Rex: Everyone? Why, THAT'S JUST WHAT I EXPECTED! T-Rex: Greek fire was a flammable liquid that burnt on water and that could only be extinguished by burying it in sand! The Byzantines used it to gain an advantage in all sorts of wars, and they kept it such a secret that eventually they forgot how to make it too. Awesome! Damascus steel was SO STRONG that people claimed its swords cut through other swords - but the technique used to make it is lost, and the raw materials used are long gone. OH WELL!! T-Rex: And that's just the stuff we know about! Utahraptor: It's true! T-Rex: There's probably tons of other stuff that we've not only forgotten, but that we've also forgotten we've forgotten! Maybe in the past it was all hoverboards and space helmets and cavemen saying "Hey, let's NOT write this down okay??" Utahraptor: You've got a lot of theories about the past, eh? T-Rex: Yep! They can be mostly be summarized as "hoverboard cavemen in spacesuit hats" though. I've, um - T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex: I've very few historian friends. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1501 T-Rex: Oh my gosh! I'm ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED that I've just had the best idea for a superhero ever. T-Rex: The PaciFIST! T-Rex: She's torn between her desire for Gandhian passive resistance and her desire to punch her way to a unilaterally imposed solution!! She's a conflicted hero for a conflicted age, you guys! Dromiceiomimus: And the "fist" is capitalized? T-Rex: Of course! Also, "paci" is in wimpy script letters and "fist" is in these big exploding block letters! T-Rex: That, my friends, is called "graphic design". Utahraptor: So what's her origin story? T-Rex: oh, the standard: She was a super pacifist but then realized she super liked punching dudes, and so swore on her parents' grave that from now on she would DEFINITELY try to do both. Utahraptor: I honestly don't see an audience for this. T-Rex: Utahraptor! HELLO? IT'S A METAPHOR FOR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS?? Narrator: LATER T-Rex: So, um - T-Rex: Most of my relationships have been "complicated". qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1502 T-Rex: When I drink, I tend to get sleepy, and then I tend to go to bed! Guys! T-Rex: I'm thinking of giving up drinking! T-Rex: Because the last time I left a party early to go have sleepytimes for about eight hours, it occurred to be: ALCOHOL is doing this! Why am I drinking it? People drink to be interesting and to lose their inhibitions, but I'm ALREADY super interesting! Plus, dudes, I'm pretty sure I've lost any inhibitions I may have had long ago!! Utahraptor: Oh great, you're gonna be Mr. "I've Given Up Drinking And Am Therefore Superior"! T-Rex: That's exactly my fear! T-Rex: I need to find a non-obnoxious way to show up at a party and announce to everyone that I'm no longer drinking. Utahraptor: Why announce it at all, you know? Just pull a Bruce Wayne and drink ginger ale like it's champagne! T-Rex: My God, Utahraptor, that's THE PERFECT SOLUTION. It combines my two greatest interests: acting like I'm Batman AND deceiving my closest friends! T-Rex: What society calls "personality flaws" I call "What if you pretended you were Batman too". qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1503 T-Rex: Linguistic universals are a small handful of properties that can be universally applied to every natural language on the planet! T-Rex: For example: every natural language includes the ideas of being "alive" and "dead"! T-Rex: That's not really surprising, I guess, since every language EVER has been spoken by people who once were alive and are now totes dead. Similarly, every language has concepts of "male" and "female", which suggests that we, as a people, find naughty bits interesting! Dromiceiomimus: They do define who can procreate. T-Rex: Um, I KNOW Utahraptor: Are there any more interesting universals? T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: No natural language uses the "blowing a raspberry fartnoise sound as a phoneme, which is just - it's just - well, it's too bad, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: Yes, really? Someone's name could be FARTNOISE FARTNOISE JUNIOR, and that someone could've been ME. T-Rex: And that brings us to today's Proof We're Not Living In The Best Of All Possible Worlds! Scroll: "None of us are friends with Fartnoise Fartnoise Junior" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1504 T-Rex: Stephen Hawking says the best proof that time travel isn't possible is that we're not overrun by loads of tourists from the future! T-Rex: Stephen Hawking says a lot of things! T-Rex: And maybe the reason tourists aren't running around here and now is because they have, um, ALL OF TIME to choose from? If I could travel through time I wouldn't go back to yesterday, I'd go to the future! I already know what happened yesterday: I ate a bunch and then I pooped a bunch! Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex! T-Rex: THE PAST IS UGLY, Dromiceiomimus!! Utahraptor: You're saying the reason we don't see any time tourism is that we're - boring? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: Scientist are all, "ooh, maybe you can only go through time in certain regions of space, or maybe you can't go back further than the invention of the time machine!" Poppycock, I say! Time travel is possible until we do something SO INTERESTING that it's inconceivable the future wouldn't want to check us out. Utahraptor: I suppose now you're going to suggest we do something so amazing that the future will HAVE to check us out? T-Rex: Nope! Firstly, Utahraptor, that's an INCREDIBLY tall order! Utahraptor: ...And secondly? T-Rex: Secondly, I, um, don't like it when my theories are proven wrong qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1505 Narrator: T-REX'S RAP CAREER T-rex: My name's T-Rex and I'm here to say / That I'm the rappingest guy in the USA! [[second panel blank]] T-Rex: Eh? What do you think Dromiceiomimus? Is my flow TRULY the freshest possible?? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, the "here to say / somethingest guy in the USA" combination is older than dust, and adding "rappingest" is like pouring extra dust from an old folk's home over it. A Pangean old folk's home. Dromiceiomimus: The dust represents EXTREME AGE, T-Rex. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Okay! My rhymes are objectively, VERIFIABLY tight now. Utahraptor: Let's hear 'em! T-Rex: My name is T-Rex and I'm here to speculate / on why my raps have gotten, well, pretty great! Utahraptor: ... Utahraptor: ...Amazingly that is even worse than before Narrator: THE END qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1506 T-Rex: As a man concerned with how, when and if I am going to die, it behooves me to know the most likely causes of death. T-Rex: That's right, bitches! People still says "behooves'!! T-Rex: So, God! What are the most likely ways to die? God: OH HECK TAKE YOUR PICK FROM CANCER AND HEART DISEASE AND STROKE AND ACCIDENTS T-Rex:...Okay, so, hey, that list's way less hilarious than I'd thought it'd be. Utahraptor: You were hoping for funny ways of death? T-Rex: Yeah, I guess! Or awesome, you know? T-Rex: I'd hoped that more people would die in an amazing "spun so fast a tornado formed around him and sucked him into the sky", or "flew into the sun", or "all the oxygen molecules in the room randomly bounced away from him so he suffocated in the resultant temporary vacuum, oh well" way - that sort of thing! Utahraptor (off screen): But T-Rex, couldn't each of those be filed under "Natural disasters"? And I've got good news for you: THE ODDS OF DYING IN A NATURAL DISASTER ARE ONLY 1 IN 4000! T-Rex: Oh man!! T-Rex: SWEEEET qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1507 T-Rex: Cultural universals, like linguistic universals, are properties that are found in EVERY SINGLE CULTURE EVER! T-Rex: For example: cultures universally have units of time! T-Rex: And cultures universally consume food and water, which makes sense because otherwise they'd be dead. And cultures universally have beliefs about death and disease and cultures universally have concepts of both music and dance! Dromiceiomimus: Universally? Really? T-Rex: Yep! Scientists looked at HISTORY. Utahraptor: Um, that's not actually universal, T-Rex! "Universal" means EVERYTHING, not just Earth! T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: But you're using it to mean "just on Earth, actually, and um, just within the history we remember". That's RACIST against people from unrecorded history, PLUS it's racist against every other form of life in the entire universe. Basically I'm saying that you are perilously close to being the MOST PREJUDICED RACIST GUY EVER IN TIME. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dear audio diary! I- I must now record the one sentence I'd always thought I'd be able to avoid. T-Rex: *sigh* T-Rex: ...Alright. Today I somehow leveled up my racism like infinity times. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1508 T-Rex: I think urban legends start because someone tells a story, and then their friends who heard it tell it again and make it MORE FANTASTIC. This makes sense. T-Rex: Folks just want to tell increasingly awesome stories! T-Rex: This is why I always discount stories that "happened to a friend", or "happened to a guy I know" - you can probably be pretty sure that SOMETHING happened to some dude SOMETIME, but not much beyond that! Domiceiomimus: What urban legend did you hear? The one where a woman eats a hot dog but then it's actually a real dog? T-Rex: No. That one's super dumb. Utahraptor: I heard it was real!! T-Rex: No you didn't! T-Rex: You didn't because Dromecieomimus just made it up. There's no way you could mistake a hot dog for a real dog. One's delicious and the other's made of hot dog meat! T-Rex: That was an extremely funny joke, Utahraptor! You should be laughing right now. EVERYONE SHOULD BE LAUGHING, RIGHT NOW. T-Rex: EVERYONE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1509 T-Rex: Okay, so let's say I slide down a banister! I'm awesome. Now let's say I slide down the handrail of an upwards-moving escalator. You guys! T-Rex: I'm even more awesome!! T-Rex: And NOW let's say the escalator is long enough and smart enough that it increases its speed so that I never reach the bottom, and as my sliding speeds up, the escalator speeds up! I can now be EXTREMELY AWESOME FOREVER! Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure that's the case! Plus, friction would eventually make your butt catch on fire. T-Rex: What?! T-Rex: Can that actually happen? Utahraptor: Everything burns, T-Rex! T-Rex: EVEN BUMS? Utahraptor: ESPECIALLY BUMS, when they're acting as a friction brake. I thought we covered this with your "infinite skateboard" idea? T-Rex: I guess I'd hoped that by shifting the technology to escalators, the awesomeness might somehow - you know... T-Rex: ... break science. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE SCIENCE BREAKS IF SOMETHING'S AWESOME ENOUGH: Off panel: Wow, personal jetpacks are so compact, efficient, safe AND easy to control!! T-Rex: Um obviously I already know that! We live in the same universe!! T-Rex: DUHHHHH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=151 Narrator: THE MOVING COMIC T-Rex: I have a friend... T-Rex: Let's call him "Ryan!" T-Rex: Anyway, Ryan moved to a new city this weekend. He loaded up all his books into his car, but when he arrived they were soaked! T-Rex: Ruined. T-Rex: PULP. T-Rex: I understand he was pretty upset about this. Utahraptor: Oh well! T-Rex: Well, that's not very supportive! Utahraptor: Hey, I know this guy! The books were probably all comics anyway, and they don't matter, right? T-Rex: Hey, that's right! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1510 T-Rex: A sassy cat! FROM SPACE. A sassy cat from space who has an eye patch with a skull and crossbones on it and who has swapped out his feet for bolted-on rocket boots! T-Rex: A sassy cat from space who reliably sports a top hat under his fishbowl helmet! T-Rex: A sassy cat from space who carries a crossbow PLUS has all those earlier properties too! That's my "Sassy Space Cat" character sketch, Dromiceiomimus! He's available for the role of title protagonist ONLY. Dromiceiomimus: You're making a list of - characters? T-Rex: Yep, a book! It's a proud tradition, long available to writers who just don't have any plots right now! Utahraptor: Really? What other characters do you have? T-Rex: SO MANY, Utahraptor! T-Rex: Does "Stern Librarian (Nonsexy)" pique your interest? Perhaps you'd be interested in "Wacky Landlord (Actually Racist)", "Sage Older Man" or "Overheated, Panting Dog"? Maybe your interests rum more to "Astonished Plutocrat with Monocle", "Rapping Dickensian Orphan", or "Puking Anthropomorphized Park Slide"? T-Rex: Perhaps instead you'd like to purchase "Self-interested Bear", "Shorn Cyclist", or "BEACH BUNNY CHURCHILL"?? Utahraptor: Beach Bunny Churchill? T-Rex: Winston Churchill dressed as a beach bunny. T-Rex: I figure - supporting character in an historical drama? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1511 T-Rex: I know a lot about Super Mario, on account of how I've played those games often for, um, most of my life? T-Rex: Guys! There must be some way I can profit from this! T-Rex: Like - maybe if someone has a question about Mario, they could ask me. Only the problem is, lots of other people also know about Mario too so there's nothing special about my knowledge! Dromiceiomimus: Plus, there's probably tons of strategy guides and stuff online that would cover anything you know and then some. T-Rex: TRUE. T-Rex: But there still must be a way! Utahraptor: A way for what? T-Rex: Utahraptor, we're smart guys. We need to come up with a way for me to profit from all my Mario knowledge, while keeping in mnd that there's actually nothing unique about it. Utahraptor: Okay. Well, Mario's a well-known character, but you have specialized knowledge about him. Why not exploit this in art you produce? Utahraptor: You share a cultural context with other Mario fans, so there's your shibboleth to talk with them directly. At the same time, Mario is famous enough that nobody will be lost by a reference! T-Rex: My friend! Such excellent advice is truly as rare, and as welcomed, as the 3UP moon!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1512 T-Rex: Three PROFESSION MEMBERS drive off a cliff. What's the tragedy? T-Rex: The car seats four, you guys!! Narrator: MORE PROFESSION MEMBER JOKES T-Rex: Why do so many people take an instant dislike to PROFESSION MEMBERS? Dromiceiomimus: It saves time! What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead PROFESSION MEMBER in the middle of the road? T-Rex: There are skid marks in front of the skunk! Hey, what's the definition of a gentleman? Dromiceiomimus: Someone who knows how to PRACTICE A PROFESSION, but doesn't! Utahraptor: Wow, these jokes are kinda mean to PROFESSION MEMBERS! T-Rex: No man, they're all in fun! T-Rex: What's the difference between a PROFESSION MEMBER and a terrorist? Utahraptor: I - T-Rex: Terrorists have sympathizers!! T-Rex: Listen, Utahraptor. Some of my best friends are PROFESSION MEMBERS. Narrator: LATER: "PROFESSION MEMBERS" IS REPLACED WITH "MEMBERS OF AN IDENTIFIABLE SOCIAL CLASS OR GROUP OF WHICH WE ARE NOT MEMBERS" T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: That's racist!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1513 T-Rex: Animals sometimes have names that share the first letter of their species. Tony the Tiger, Katy the Kangaroo, Ernie the Elephant, and so on. Ridiculous! But just as ridiculous... T-Rex: ...as every human being who has a name that starts with "H"!! T-Rex: I had this realization just now so I haven't done much with it, but I do hope I meet a Hakeem soon so I can exclusively refer to him as "Hakeem the Human", over and over and over again! HILARIOUS. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex the T.rex? T-Rex: That - that doesn't work as well. Utahraptor: It seems we're all pretty vulnerable to this crticism, huh? T-Rex: APPARENTLY. T-Rex: Utahraptor the Utahraptor. How'd you get such a name? Utahraptor: My parents gave it to me T-Rex the Tyrannosauroid. T-Rex: Okay. Sinve we've ALL apparently got stupid names, let's just promise never to mention this again. Utahraptor: Deal! God: DEAL T-Rex: But your names' not stupid, God! God: UM HELLO. I'M GOD THE GOD. God: PEOPLE SAY HUH MAYBE I'LL PRAY TO GOD THE GOD TODAY God: AND I SAY God: MAAAAAN qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1514 T-Rex: We say "Let's Party!!" all the time, but when we say "Let us Party!!" it sounds hella formal! T-Rex: "Let's" is a crazy contraction, you guys! T-Rex: Other contractions sound a little formal when uncontracted ("You will definitely love this" versus, "You'll definitely love this"), but "let's" is INSANE! "Dudes! Let us now gobble these sausages!" Are we KINGS AND PRINCES? In summary and in conclusion, "let's" is contracted so RELIABLY that it seems like a big affectation to use "let us" as separate words. Utahraptor: So let us break that association by no longer contracting it! T-Rex: Let us see how that goes, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: I think that this has been successful so far. Let us continue this experiment! T-Rex: Let us! Incidentally, my favourite Salt-N-Pepa song is "Let Us Talk About Sex". Utahraptor: Let us listen to it right now! Salt-N-Pepa: Let us talk about sex, baby / Let us talk about you and me / Let us talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be / Let us talk about sex T-Rex: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HOW'D THEY KNOW WHAT WE WERE DOING i'VE HAD THAT TAPE FOR TEN YEARS OH MY GOD qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1515 T-Rex: It's safe to eat chalk, right? Probably? T-Rex: Probably it's safe to eat chalk? T-Rex: Let us totally assume that it's safe to eat chalk!! T-Rex: And seriously, if it's not safe to eat chalk then it's DEFINITELY safe to eat sawdust. And even if it's not, there's got to be things that'll pass through you ENTIRELY UNDIGESTED but that also won't cause any harm when you gobble them! T-Rex: Guys! We should be making food out of these things! Utahraptor: Another weight-loss scheme? T-Rex: Utahraptor, this one's perfect though! T-Rex: You'll be able to eat all you want and get that great "I'm so full, you guys" feeling, but never gain any weight! Utahraptor: Ah, yes, that coveted "I'm so full of chalk and sawdust, you guys" feeling. T-Rex: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it! Narrator: T-REX TRIES IT T-Rex: bleh qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1516 T-Rex: Hey, you graduated high school! Super. T-Rex: Why haven't you got a university degree yet? T-Rex: You say you've got several, all the way up to a PhD? Neat! Only, how come you haven't published more papers? You have? How come you don't have honourary degrees? You do! But how come yours isn't a household name? If you're so great, WHY IS ANYTHING STILL LEFT UNEXPLAINED?? Dromiceiomimus: No matter what you do, there's always something more you could have done, and more you could have achieved? T-Rex: Exactly! Utahraptor: This isn't a bad thing, T-Rex! T-Rex: It sure is! T-Rex: I can't ever say "There, I've accomplished all that I could." Things just level up to new challenges! Utahraptor: Sure, but it also means that there's no limit to your horizons, that the future can always promise more than the present, and that you'll never run out of things to learn. Narrator: MANY YEARS LATER: T-Rex: Utahraptor, remember when you said I'd "never run out of things to learn about Teri Hatcher"? Utahraptor: What? I never said "Teri Hatcher"! I meant knowledge in general. T-Rex: R- Really? T-Rex: Okay well either way you were totally right!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1517 T-Rex: People's last words are sometimes awesome. It's a thing: if they get the chance to, folks choose them carefully! In contrast, people's first words are usually boring, similar AND similarly boring! T-Rex: We need to start recording people's middle words! T-Rex: I'd love to know what my middle sentence is: the one right between my first "mama" or "dada" and my final "I confess, old bean, I never cared for durian". It might be revealing! Dromiceiomimus: You'd have to be dead though. T-Rex: Or I could just take a vow of silence until I die! Utahraptor: You'd also need total surveillance recording your every utterance! T-Rex: Well, OBVIOUSLY. Utahraptor: But this sentence is just gonna be something random anyway. Why not choose a random sentence from your diary and avoid, um, THE NEED TO LIVE IN A SURVELLIANCE STATE THAT RECORDS EVERY SINGLE SPEECH ACT? T-Rex: Why not? Why not? I'll tell you why not!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Utahraptor? Utahraptor: Yes, T-Rex? T-Rex: Listen, I still really value our friendship qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1518 T-Rex: Sometimes people who disagree on the future will make a public bet: I bet the ice caps will melt in 10 years, you disagree, and we go public, each betting $1000 on the outcome! T-Rex: This, my friends, is awesome! T-Rex: One of us will win not only $1000 dollars of PURE PROFIT, but also the pride of having been totally right for a whole decade! And the bet ties this elastic band between you and the other party: no matter how far apart you travel, you'll be snapped back together again years later for this - this SETTLING OF ACCOUNTS. I think that's special. I think that's awesome! Utahraptor: So let's make one of these bets! T-Rex: Yes PLEASE Utahraptor! You're on! T-Rex: Okay! I bet that in ten years um... people will OFTEN refer to sex as "connecting via dialup to boner central". Utahraptor: You're ON. Thanks for the $1000! T-Rex: Awesome!! You're going to lose, by the way! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Man! T-Rex: I should've bet that, in ten years, he'd win the bet. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1519 T-Rex: If I get married, we have to play "Earth Angel" as the first dance, okay? T-Rex: You guys! It'll be amazing!! Dromiceiomimus: That's that climactic slow dance from Back to the Future, right? Why do you like it? T-Rex: Oh! It's - romantic? I, um - I like how he says he will love the eponymous earth angel forever and ALSO ever more. Dromiceiomimus: And what if "Johnny B. Goode" was played as the next song? T-Rex: THAT would be entirely awesome! Utahraptor: Ha! You don't want to get married. You want to go to a dance played by Marty McFly! T-Rex: Man, whatever! T-Rex: I've been to like two weddings in my life, but I've seen them portrayed in media thousands of times! Is it SO WRONG to incorporate elements of these media portrayals into my own expectations?? Utahraptor: I guess not, except for the fact that the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance is a HIGH SCHOOL BALL and not a wedding! T-Rex: Hello?? Marty's parents share a relationship-making kiss at that dance! The parallels are TOTALLY OBVIOUS. T-Rex: I'll say it again: if I had one wish, it'd be "Tell me how long it's going to take until everyone realizes they should never argue with me about Back to the Future". qwantz.com/index.php?comic=152 Narrator: ADVENTURE COMICS! T-Rex: Oh boy! T-Rex: Today is a good day I think. . . for adventure! Narrator: THE END T-Rex: What? I never got to go on my adventure? God damn it! T-Rex: This makes me so angry! Utahraptor: Me too! T-Rex: Why are you angry? Utahraptor: I was hoping your adventure would take you out of town for a few days! I could have come over and watched TV! T-Rex: I don't have a TV! Utahraptor: Forget it then! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1520 T-Rex: I am a sensible guy who does sensible things. My favourite expression is "Fellows! Let us be SENSIBLE." However! T-Rex: I am not all guys! T-Rex: Some guys wake up in the morning, and they're crazy. They don't know how many men they'll punch that day. They write in their diary and say, "Dear Diary, anything could happen today." Then they pause thoughtfully, adding "I don't even know." Some guys get to wake up in minimum-security holding cells, laughing. Some guys get to think about it when you ask them what city they lived in last year! Utahraptor: The romance of the rebel? T-Rex: A little, I guess! Utahraptor: Well if it's any consolation, you're not THAT sensible. You've done tons of crazy things! You just THINK you're sensible because you always did them for reasons you believed were rational. T-Rex: That's exactly it: I never surprise myself! When will I do crazy things? When will I wake up in jail and laugh? T-Rex: Hah! It would be awesome if there was a clock wipe right now, cutting to me three minutes later, behind bars and shouting "I believe there's nothing particularly funny about my new circumstances!" Off Panel: Not really qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1521 T-Rex: Guys, it's not hard to stay fully unknowable even to yourself. There's an easy way to go through life and still have mysteries. All you have to do is... T-Rex: ...donate some friggin' sperm! T-Rex: Find a program where they don't inform you when your sperm is used, and you're done! From now on, you'll NEVER KNOW if you've got a particular descendant - a child! - running around. People will say, "Hey, do you have any biological descendants?" and you'll be able to say "Man, WHO KNOWS??" Plus, you've done it all without the hassle of unplanned pregnancies! Utahraptor: And this is appealing, T-Rex? T-Rex: Oh yes! Entirely. T-Rex: Wouldn't you love to be able to imagine every stranger of a certain age as your child? Utahraptor, it's a guaranteed sense of wonder for the rest of your life! Utahraptor: That's sort of cool, actually. T-Rex: I know! And it's all thanks to sperm! God: T-REX DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES YOU'VE OFFERED "DONATE SOME FRIGGIN' SPERM" AS A SOLUTION TO AN APPARENTLY INSOLUBLE PROBLEM T-Rex: Sixteen times? God: THAT IS God: AMAZINGLY God: PRECISELY CORRECT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1522 T-Rex: Why do we say "rest in peace"? Is it just for the "rest in pieces" pun we can make when we explode someone? T-Rex: Because if so, I approve 100%! Narrator: THE END Narrator: ALTERNATE ENDING T-Rex: Why do we say "rest in peace"? Is it just- Utahraptor: It comes from Latin! Utahraptor: It's a prayer, "reuiescat in pace", which also works in English with about the same meaning: rest in peace. It comes from the Christian tradition, which at various points and to various people has held that there is a time of "soul sleep" after death but before judgment. Narrator: THE END Narrator: ALTERNATE ENDING: T-Rex:Dudes!! T-Rex:If they made "Horse Game 64", I would TOTALLY buy that game! Narrator: ALTERNATE WHOLE THING ACTUALLY qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1523 God: HEY T-REX DO YOU BELIEVE MONEY MAKES PEOPLE HAPPIER T-Rex: Let's discuss! T-Rex: I think it's clear that at some income levels, money DOES buy happiness! T-Rex: If you can't afford to eat or buy diapers for your child and then you can, that money will make you happy and have obviously bought you happiness! Dromiceiomimus: On the other hand, some lottery winners are less happy a few years after winning than they were before! T-Rex: Mo' money CAN, apparently, indeed lead to mo' problems. T-Rex: So let us say money can buy happiness, assuming it's not received all at once. Utahraptor: But billionaires aren't uniformly jolly! T-Rex: That's true. Okay, so clearly there's a function where money buys happiness with less efficiency as happiness increases. Utahraptor: That implies giving a depressed dude a few bucks will cheer him right up. T-Rex: Heck, maybe it does! Let's find a depressed dude and find out! God: T-REX I WAS JUST MAKING CONVERSATION T-Rex: Oh! God: THERE'S NO NEED TO DO SCIENCE ON DEPRESSED DUDES T-Rex: ...oh. God: I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SAY THAT MORE THAN ONCE YOU KNOW T-Rex: I said "oh"!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1524 Devil: MMM GREETINGS T-REX WHAT ARE YOUR OPINIONS ON THE RISE OF CASUAL GAMING T-Rex: Nobody should be excluded from games just because they can't afford a cummerbund, top hat, and pince-nez! Devil: I WAS CLEARLY REFERRING TO SIMPLER VIDEO GAMES BUILT FOR A CASUAL AUDIENCE T-Rex: Ah! Devil: ON ONE HAND THESE GAMES APPEAL TO THOSE OUTSIDE THE STANDARD GAMING DEMOGRAPHIC AND THUS SERVE TO BROADEN THE APPEAL OF THE MEDIUM AND DISPEL SOME NEGATIVE STEREOTYPES ABOUT THOSE WHO PARTAKE OF ELECTRONIC ENTERTAINMENT Devil: ON THE OTHER HAND THE CASUAL MARKET IS SO BIG THAT IT MAY ENCOURAGE FRANCHISES THAT I ENJOY TO BECOME MORE CASUAL FRIENDLY AND THIS OFTEN UNFORTUNATELY MEANS MORE SHALLOW T-Rex: I really haven't thought about industry ramifications of casual gaming that much! Utahraptor: Me neither! T-Rex: No, I - I was talking to the Devil. He's concerned that casual gaming could eclipse the parts of the market he identifies with. Utahraptor: Well you tell him that more people playing games means fewer people looking down on gamers! T-Rex: Man, it'd be easier for me if others could hear you too! Devil: AND IT'D BE EASIER FOR ME T-REX IF I COULD CONVERSE WITH SHIGERU MIYAMOTO Devil: HOWEVER Devil: HE WILL NOT BE BORN FOR 65 MILLION YEARS BECAUSE WE ARE IN THE PAST REMEMBER qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1525 T-Rex: Guys! There's a VOLUNTARY EXTINCTION movement. If we can decide to all stop havin' babies, then we can choose to go extinct!! T-Rex: It probably sounded like a good idea at the time? T-Rex: Then again, our actions, as a people, HAVE been responsible for untold thousands of involuntary extinctions around the world - which could all be avoided in the future by voluntarily offering ourselves up instead! The final generation gets to spend everyone's life savings and throw a totally wicked part, and the last one out turns off the lights. The end! Utahraptor: You sound like you're actually convincing yourself that this is a good idea! T-Rex: I am, a little! Utahraptor: Okay, but one could argue that the intelligent life we represent is something that could be ENTIRELY UNIQUE in the Universe. That's worth preserving! T-Rex: Yeah, maybe. I think I still need some more convincing. Utahraptor: *sigh* Utahraptor: ...Fine. Utahraptor: We shouldn't choose to go extinct because if an asteroid threatens the planet, we're the only ones with enough science to blow it up. T-Rex: !! T-Rex: HECK YES qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1526 T-Rex: Some words are special, reserved for only the worst situations, and as such carry weight when we dare to use them! T-Rex: Some words have MEANING, cats and kittens! T-Rex: And because of this I cringe when someone says a test RAPED them, or that a movie was so terrible it RAPED the excellent book it was based on. Being raped is totally way worse than failing a test! Dromiceiomimus: "Being raped is totally way worse than failing a test." T-Rex: What? It's FACTUAL! People need to know! Utahraptor: You're walking on dangerous land, T-Rex! T-Rex: I know that folks got opinions about rape! I'm one of 'em! T-Rex: But MY opinions are about usage. Let us eschew all this metaphorical rape and only talk about LITERAL rape, okay?? Utahraptor: So, um, when you look back on this, I hope you realize that the reason I left is your phrase "let us... talk about LITERAL rape, okay??". God: SOMETIMES LIFE IS HARD FOR YOU ISN'T IT T-REX T-Rex: Only when my friends quote me in a misleading fashion!! T-Rex: ...Oh wait nevermind it's hard at other times too qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1527 T-Rex: Okay, time to get myself into some of them books of quotations! T-Rex: Hah! I mean, "some of THOSE books of quotations"! T-Rex: So here's some quotable quotes for you, Dromiceiomimus! "Failure is just success rounded down", "I enjoy friendly good times", and "Whom is responsible for all these hards on?". Perhaps you'd like to compile them into a volume? Dromiceiomimus: Hey, imagine if the only quotation that survived from you was "Time to get myself into some of them quote books"? T-Rex: I choose not to! Utahraptor: Yeah man, maybe all that survives from you is that quote! T-Rex: It's not even accurate!! Utahraptor: Years in the future, folks will try to reconstruct you from those few words. "Who was 'T-Rex'? We know of his interest in 'them quote books' [sic], and we can assume he found demonstrative pronouns a challenge." T-Rex: "Ignore that last bit! I meant to write that we know T-Rex was awesome and I wish I were like him." Off Panel: "Anyway it's really too bad he couldn't talk well!" T-Rex: "Hold on, I meant to write that he COULD! For more TRUE FACTS, turn to page 45." Off Panel: "Astute readers will note this book only goes to page 40." T-Rex: "Screw you, dude! Attention readers! Only read the good sentences!!" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1528 T-Rex: According to the Mayan calendar, the world will end in 2012! T-Rex: The Mayans tried to warn us!! T-Rex: Oh SHIIII- Dromiceiomimus: According to the calendar in my computer, the world began on January 1st, 1970 at very the stroke of midnight!! It's impossible to make it go back earlier, and every moment is measured by the number of seconds since that one incredibly significant date! History is a lie! Unix software developers tried to warn us!! T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Oh SHIIII- Utahraptor: According to the calendar on my desk- T-Rex: Yes? Utahraptor: The world began on January 1st of this very year, and will end no more than 365 days later! The calendar is only 365 date-bearing pages dates thick and I've counted three times! The Page-A-Day publishing house tried to warn us! T-Rex and Utahraptor: Oh SHIIII- off-screen: The Mayan Long Count calendar you're discussing doesn't end in our year 2012, it just rolls over to a new digit, much like the year 1 BC rolled over to 1 AD. T-Rex: WHILE FACTUAL, THAT'S NOT A GREAT EXAMPLE BECAUSE THE GREGORIAN CALENDAR WASN'T ACTUALLY IN PLACE FOR THAT ROLLOVERRRRR qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1529 T-Rex: I will, one day, have the best breakfast of my entire life. T-Rex: It is inarguably so! T-Rex: Arrange all of my breakfasts from worst to best, and one's going to come out on top. I believe there are easily enough variables involved in breakfast that if you look closely enough, you can break any ties! One breakfast will be best. And what kills me is I'll probably not even notice it! Utahraptor: How do you figure that? T-Rex: Most breakfast are pretty great! EVEN THE JUST OKAY ONES. T-Rex: It's unlikely my best breakfast will be so amazingly different enough from a regular breakfast that I'd notice it. That's sad, isn't it? That in a lifetime of breakfasts, the best one should pass unnoticed? Utahraptor: I - I guess? Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE INSTEAD OF SAYING "BREAKFAST", T-REX SAID "GIRLFRIEND": T-Rex: There are easily enough variables involved in girlfriend! (Off-screen): Interesting qwantz.com/index.php?comic=153 T-Rex: Well my screenplay for "(A)bort, (R)etry, (M)urder?" didn't work out. Nobody wanted to produce it! So, I have started a new screenplay, based on the structured Query Language for databases! T-Rex: It's called... T-Rex: "UPDATE bodies SET status = ' DEAD ' " ! T-Rex: It's about a database administrator for a large company who uncovers a secret database by accident! T-Rex: A database...of MURDERS! Utahraptor: Your screenplay once again, appeals only to a micro-niche market! T-Rex: How do you mean? Utahraptor: Well, the only people who will enjoy it are those in the intersection of the set of people who know databases with the set of people who like crappy movies! T-Rex: Pretty nerdy, my friend! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1530 T-Rex: Going to the dentist means lying down and baring your teeth and paying a stranger to scrape at them: kinda sucky at the best of times. But then I realized! T-Rex: Dentists are totally CYBERNETICISTS. T-Rex: I know, Dromiceiomimus, I was skeptical of myself too! But teeth naturally accumulate plaque and decay. Dentists apply technology to biological life (me!) to upgrade my smile and stop biological decline! Isn't that what cyberneticists do?? Dromiceiomimus: Cyberneticists study the structure of regulatory systems. T-Rex: Honestly I don't know what you feel that brings to the conversation. Utahraptor: Doesn't technology have to be implanted to make you a cyborg? T-Rex: They implant fillings! T-Rex: Dentists are cyberneticists that operate with metal scrapers instead of experimental medical contraband, and the result is cleaner teeth instead of glowing red pupils. Utahraptor: I suppose! T-Rex: I've bribed cyberneticists to ply their trade and enhance my fragile mortal body!! T-Rex: [[tooth sparkle]] qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1531 T-Rex: Certain bacteria may be able to survive a long trip in space, and there's a theory that life on OUR VERY PLANET was seeded by such space-born organic materials. T-Rex: This theory is called "panspermia"! T-Rex: HILARIOUS. Dromiceiomimus: Undermining serious work into the origins of life on our planet, I see. T-Rex: I'm not! T-Rex: They're undermining it by choosing such hilarious names! You know what it's called if you think the organic life is sent out on purpose by aliens? Dromiceiomimus: No. T-Rex: DIRECTED PANSPERMIA. That doesn't sound like the origin of life on earth! That sounds like a CRAZY FRIDAY NIGHT. Dromiceiomimus: "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet"! T-Rex: Nobody's smelling roses called Flower of Sperm Directed Onto Everything Ever"! T-Rex: ...Okay, listen, maybe they'd smell them ONCE. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1532 Narrator: EPISTEMOLOGY COMICS T-Rex: If I say "Guys, I know I'm rad", what am I saying? What does it actually mean to KNOW something? Philosophers have struggled with this for ages! T-Rex: Luckily, the answer is super easy and they should have come up with it sooner! T-Rex: Knowledge of anything, radness included, comes about if three conditions are met: that this thing is true, that I believe it to be true, and that I have a JUSTIFIED cause for this belief! Perhaps my justification of radness is that I've been shot out of a cannon onto a motorbike, which is extremely rad. When these three conditions are met, then I've got what's called a Justified True Belief, and that, my friends, is what knowledge is! Utahraptor: Okay, so we're hanging out, and I say "T-Rex, I'm gonna go nap in your bed." T-Rex: I say, "Dude, feel free!" Utahraptor: However, once in your room I startle a sleepy murderer, who without alarming you, quietly murders me, stuffs me in the closet, and then goes back to nappy times - in your bed!! A few minutes later you say, "Nice. An orange dude is sleeping in my bed." Clearly, this is justified, and it may even be true. Utahraptor: But only if the murderer was orange! Don't you see? It's sheer luck that this murderer was coloured to make your belief true. Are you really going to call random chance "knowledge"? T-Rex: Utahraptor!! T-Rex: Please don't get murdered in my bedroom, Utahraptor qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1533 T-Rex: A person's activity is often used by law enforcement when pursuing a conviction! Facebook posts, Twitter updates and Google searches for "how to murder the sucky neighbour" have all been used as evidence of intentful wrongdoing. T-Rex: I can totally use this to my advantage! T-Rex: AS SUCH, I've recently done tons of Google searches for "how to avoid breaking laws", "i love being not guilty", "how to be an EVEN MORE innocent dude", and "how to avoid crime because, not unlike Batman himself, I too hate crime". Dromiceiomimus: There's nothing like a Twitter post that says "Definitely not planniny any crimes ever! #seriouslyyouguys" T-Rex: Nothing!! T-Rex: Now if I'm ever accused of wrongdoing, any investigation will reveal these posts and my extreme innocence! Utahraptor: Really? Utahraptor: You're not worried how suspicious it is for someone to be SO CONCERNED with appearing innocent? T-Rex: Man, there's nothing illegal about being big into innocence! Besides, Utahraptor, I'M not the one who looked up "how to frame T-Rex for future criminal activities??" on my home computer. T-Rex: ...I looked it up on yours. T-Rex: But friends forever, right? T-Rex: That's binding, right? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1534 T-Rex: Time for some more epitaphs, bitches! God: I'M NOT BITCHES T-Rex: Time for some more epitaphs, everyone!! T-Rex: Here Lies T-Rex: Hey I Bet He's Still Wicked Handsome! God: HERE LIES T-REX HE WAS MORTAL SO THEN HE DIED T-Rex: Depressing! Dromiceiomimus: "Here Lies T-Rex: He Never Stopped Saying "Frig" / Even If He Stopped Saying Other Words". T-Rex: BAD. ASS. Utahraptor: Here lies T-Rex: He lived his life well / and tried to understand. T-Rex: Boooring! T-Rex: Epitaphs need to grab the attention of passers by, Utahraptor - you're competing with EVERYONE ELSE who's ever died! Utahraptor: Here Lies T-Rex: His Heart Was Punched Out Of His Chest By A Robot, But Then Wind Blew His Heart Into The Robot's Face And The Robot Said, "Error, Oh Man, Gross". T-Rex: Niiiiiice. I also would have accepted "Here Lies T-Rex: He Tried To Eat One Of Every Animal; Hopefully That Counts For Something!" T-Rex: Because. . . hopefully it does, you know? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1535 T-Rex: Guys, it's totally easy to predict the future. Observe: IN THE FUTURE, the general public will be given ample opportunities to purchase the solid gold hits of this, our current decade! Narrator: THE FUTURE, YOU GUYS Dromiceiomimus: IN THE FUTURE, portrayals by others of our shared past will infringe upon our memories of it, and people born after our time will only understand it through the shorthand aspects of cultural consensus found in the media. T-Rex: Just like how everyone in the 20s was a flapper!! Dromiceiomimus: Exactly! Utahraptor: IN THE FUTURE, our actions and beliefs will be evaluated by standards we didn't have! T-Rex: No doubt! T-Rex: IN THE FUTURE, we'll solve the old problems but we'll also have new problems. Utahraptor: Also, we'll still have some of the old problems. T-Rex: The future, ladies and gentlemen!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Maaaan! T-Rex: I forgot to predict friggin' ROCKET BOOTS qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1536 T-Rex: My life - ALL LIVES, in fact - would be measurably improved if I had a sweet accent! FACT. T-Rex: And it totally doesn't count to say I already have an accent! T-Rex: We're being relative here; it has to be different from everyone else around me. Wouldn't it be great if I sounded like Dame Judi Dench, Dromiceiomimus? I mean, a male version? Ooh, or like Cary Grant! I could sound like the platonic form of charming, suave, unreliable and debonair MANHOOD. Dromiceiomimus: Have you tried faking it? T-Rex: Oh, for sure, but all my accents sound like bad Irish fakes! T-Rex: It's confusing and disappointing. Utahraptor: So, you want to sound like Cary Grant, eh? Utahraptor: Why not hire voice and accent coaches, like actors do? I don't see why the same "here's how to talk like someone you're not" lessons wouldn't apply just as well to you. T-Rex: Utahraptor, that's brilliant! Oh my gosh. My lifelong dream can finally now be realized! Narrator: A FEW MONTHS LATER: T-Rex: Why, hello there, Utahraptor! Wouldn't you say I sound like a young Cary Grant? Utahraptor: I would! T-Rex: Well, sure! It would be harder to hear my accent, however, if our conversation were relayed in a text-based medium. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1537 Narrator: INTERNET ARGUMENT COMICS Narrator: NAZI ACCUSATIONS T-Rex" Can we accept that everyone on the internet is PROBABLY a Nazi, and move on?? Narrator: YOU'RE BEING PRESCRIPTIVIST ABOUT LANGUAGE AND KEEP TELLING EVERYONE ELSE HOW TO TYPE T-Rex: Keep up the good work! Narrator: NO THE PROBLEM IS THIS IS A JERKY THING TO DO T-Rex: I respectfully disagree!! T-Rex: Bitches gotta know when they've screwed up capitalization! Narrator: YOU THINK "FAIL" IS SYNONYMOUS WITH "Q.E.D." Utahraptor: Who says "Q.E.D." online? T-Rex: Honestly. Narrator: YOU ARE TYPING IN ALL CAPS T-Rex: I ACTUALLY HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT Utahraptor: ME NEITHER AS A FIND IT TO BE A REASONABLE FORM OF EXPRESSION T-Rex: RIGHT ON Narrator: YOU SEEM UNAWARE THAT "FAG" IS SHORT FOR "YOU ARE A *F*RIEND I RESPECT; *A*S SUCH I *G*REATLY LOOK FORWARD TO COMMUNICATING WITH YOU IN AN HONEST WAY IN THE FUTURE" T-Rex: Man, here I thought it stood for "Fellow Against Galactophagists"! T-Rex: Sheesh qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1538 Narrator: COMPRESSED ORIGIN STORY COMICS Today's origin story: ALL LIFE (in the Judeo-Christian tradition) T-Rex: I'm God and I'm going to create life! God: INTERESTING T-Rex: Okay so first off I'm going to invent the week! Monday's for inventing light, Tuesday's for inventing sky, Wednesday's for inventing stars and moons, Thursday's for inventing land and trees, Friday's for inventing sea beasts and birds, and Saturday's for inventing animals and dinosaurs and humans! Sunday's for chillaxin'. God: I GOTTA SAY THAT IS A PRETTY GOOD GIST OF WHAT HAPPENED. T-Rex: And now I'm going to put everyone into a big garden! Nobody eat the fruit of one particular tree, okay?! Utahraptor: Okay! Utahraptor: But I gotta say, there's this one forbidden tree that has this AMAZING fruit and you should definitely eat some right away. T-Rex: Okay! Utahraptor: AWESOME. God: T-REX ADAM AND EVE ARE TE ONES WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO EAT FROM THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE YOU'RE GOD IN THIS STORY REMEMBER T-Rex: Oops. Oh well! God: IT'S JUST THAT IS SOME HELLA CONFUSING SYMBOLISM qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1539 T-Rex: People are predicting the future all the time. All the time, you guys! T-Rex: Someone must have gotten it right by now! T-Rex: So I'm going to go back and read tons of "Life in the World of Tomorrow" articles from centuries past, and find the one dude who was the closest to being accurate. Dromiceiomimus: And then what? T-Rex: What do you mean, "And then what"? And then I'm going to read a bunch of startlingly accurate predictions about our futuristic society! Utahraptor: It is kind of neat to imagine the one guy who, purely by chance, has the most right predictions. T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: I'd love to go back in time and tell him "Hey man - of everyone here, you were the most right." Actually - I think I'd mostly just like to hear that myself. Utahraptor: It would be pretty amazing to go through life knowing that in the future, people not only remember but also APPROVE of you. Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Okay, time travellers! This is your LAST CHANCE to tell me I'm the more right guy here. Right now. Now! Nownownow. Now! Nnnnnnow! Now. ...Aw maaaan. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=154 Narrator: Excitement Comics T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to find some excitement! T-Rex: Hmm...stomping this house is kind of exciting, but it's a more familiar feeling - like getting served a favourite meal. It's good, but I know how it's going to end. I think I can do something more exciting. T-Rex: Well! Stomping on this woman is exciting but again - too familiar. Utahraptor: What are you doing? T-Rex: I'm looking for excitement! But so far it's been pretty much a "bust". Utahraptor: Hmm...You could go skydiving! T-Rex: Yeah man! T-Rex: And I could land on my enemies houses! T-Rex: "Surprise!" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1540 T-Rex: Let us assume that everyone alive today has two biological parents, a mother and a father. I will call this the "No Cloned Chicks" hypothesis! T-Rex: And let us further assume that everyone's parents had a biological mother and father too! T-Rex: This seems pretty reasonable. But it can't possibly be the case! If you take me, I've got two parents. My parents have two parents themselves, so this means that three generations ago, four people are needed to eventually produce me. Another generation back, we're eight people, and five generations ago gives me sixteen ancestors! Utahraptor: And if you go back 1500 years or so, say, fifty-five generations? T-Rex: That's exactly the problem! T-Rex: At fifty-five generations, I've got over TEN QUADRILLION grandparents all running around at the same time! Man! There's NO WAY there was room for that. Utahraptor: Ah, but you're assuming everyone's sexing up a totally genetic stranger. If you sex up a relative, any child produced will have fewer grandparents! T-Rex: ...Huh! So the fact that there weren't ten quadrillion people 1500 years ago SCIENTIFICALLY PROVES that some of my ancestors liked sexing it up with their cousins!! T-Rex: ... T-Rex: ...Huh. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1541 God: T-REX LET'S SAY YOU HAVE A GIANT HEAP OF SAND AND I REMOVE ONE GRAIN AT A TIME T-Rex: Ooh, let's!! God: CLEARLY WHEN THERE'S ONLY ONE GRAIN OF SAND LEFT IT'S NOT A HEAP ANYMORE T-Rex: Clearly! God: AHA MY FRIEND BUT WHEN PRECISELY DID IT SWITCH FROM HEAP TO NON-HEAP T-Rex: I dunno! At some fuzzy point if would switch for most observers from "heap" to, say, "small pile", and there we can draw the line. Language isn't that precise. God: LISTEN THIS IS A CLASSIC PARADOX THAT EUBULIDES OF MILETUS CAME UP WITH OVER 2000 YEARS AGO God: YOU NEED TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN NOW OKAY T-Rex: Sounds kinda dumb to to me! Utahraptor: What does? T-Rex: The point at which a shrinking heap of sand becomes a non-heap. Clearly I'm supposed to struggle with an arbitrary threshold, because piles on either side of it look much the same. But it's just language! Look at statistical usage of the word "heap", decide using that average, end of story. T-Rex: Oh snap, philosophers! Did T-Rex just totally school you with statistically-based descriptivist approach to semantics? IT APPEARS THAT HE TOTALLY DID!! It also appears he's speaking in the third person because he's so impressed with his awesome self! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1542 Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH T-REX OWES UTAHRAPTOR FIFTY BUCKS T-Rex: Hah hah! Yep! T-Rex: And I TOTALLY haven't paid it back yet, either! Dromiceiomimus: What? Are you talking about your $50 debt to Utahraptor? T-Rex: He told you about that? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, he told me because he'd lent you the money a long time ago, and he was concerned that asking you for it a third time in as many months was not polite. I told him YOU were the one who was impolite in for putting him in this situation! T-Rex: Man, now I'M the bad guy for not honoring debts in a timely manner? Utahraptor: My debt? T-Rex: Utahraptor! Homeslice! Oh, I wasn't talking about you, I was referring to another debt which - um, I also owe? Utahraptor: T-Rex, you only ever call me nicknames when you owe me money. T-Rex: Aw, that's no true! C'mon, Shortpants! T-Rex: !! T-Rex: Oh my God, from now on his name is definitely Shortpants. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1543 T-Rex: I am a guy who really likes Batman. And it occurs to me: at some point in my life I'm going to be an old man! T-Rex: I'm going to be an old man who really likes Batman! T-Rex: It's gonna be so awesome. Am I to imagine that one day I somehow WON'T be interested in figthin' crime, punchin' dudes, and saying things like "I AM THE NIGHT"? Of course not! When I'm old I'll be sitting on a rocking chair next to the other old men, arguing about whether it's Batman or Bruce Wayne that's the real mask. CLEARLY BRUCE IS THE MASK. Utahraptor: It sounds like this comforts you! T-Rex: Oh, it totally does. T-Rex: I have NO IDEA where I'll be or what I'll be doing in fifty years but when I picture myself talking about Batman everything falls into place. I'll always have that, you know? No matter what happens, I'll always be able to argue about Batman. Utahraptor: Even if you were paralyzed and couldn't communicate? T-Rex: Utahraptor, please! For every Batman argument that comes out of my mouth there's like eighty of them that go on in my head. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1544 God: T-REX DID YOU HEAR ARCHIE IS GETTING MARRIED T-Rex: Perennial teen Archie Andres of Riverdale, USE?! To whom? God: VERONICA LODGE T-Rex: Oh, poor Veronica! Dromiceiomimus: You'd rather she marry - well, who, Jughead? T-Rex: Man, I'd rather she expand her horizons beyond the ten NON-BACKGROUND characters in Riverdale. Her dating options there are, in their entireity: Archie, Moose, Dilton, Chuck, Reggie, and Jughead. That's it! PROBABLY SHE CAN DO BETTER. Maybe she should chat up Background Teen In Green Shirt once in a while, you know? Utahraptor: That's like complaining when Princess Leia falls for Han Solo! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: And that is a valid complaint! I hate it when fictional universes are SO CLAUSTROPHOBIC that everyone's hanging out in the same swimming pool. Utahraptor: Huh? T-Rex: Okay that's a metaphor, but just BARELY. It's basically a literal description of what's going on. T-Rex: Only so many characters can splash around in a swimming pool at the same time. And they keep bumping into each other! T-Rex: Man! If there's a better two-sentence summary of BOTH Star Wars and Archie comics, I don't want to hear it! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1545 T-Rex: You know what hasn't happened in space yet? Friggin' murder! Nobody's been murdered in space yet! T-Rex: Guys! This means I still have a chance! Dromiceiomimus: You want to be the first murderer in space? T-Rex: No, man! That's a sucky way to go down in history. But as the first MURDEREE in space, going out as a floating corpse in Zero G: that's something! And it's totally easy. All I need to do is convince some spaceman, when the time comes, to murder me! Utahraptor: Is it murder if you're literally asking for it? T-Rex: That's for the courts to decide, my friend! T-Rex: Listen, bottom line: when my time on this planet is just about up, I'm going up into space and you're going to murder me, okay? Surprise me with a knife! Utahraptor: I - T-Rex: for the sake of history, Utahraptor!! T-Rex: I can already see the headline: "The First Dude Murdered In Space!" Utahraptor: At the very least, "The First Dude Murdered In Space By His Friend, who Is Now Going To Jail!" T-Rex: At the very least!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1546 T-Rex: Last night I dreamt I had been invited to a fancy party, far away, and the host was nice enough to buy me a plane ticket to get there. T-Rex: Finally, things were looking up for dream T-rex! T-Rex: This was at noon, dream time, and the plane was to leave at six. I made myself a sandwich, but it must've taken a while, because when I looked at the clock, it was 6:30 already! I'd missed my flight AND party entirely, and my friends all chastised me for being so dumb. "Why didn't you leave at least two hours for check in with an international flight?" they said! Utahraptor: So you dreamed about being cussed out? T-Rex: Yeah, it was great! T-Rex: I remember saying "OBVIOUSLY it was a dumb mistake, guys. It'll never happen again; now I know to always leave plenty of time to get to the airport!" Utahraptor: And when you woke up you remembered that moral! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: I'm now learning life lessons WHILE I SLEEP, Utahraptor. I'm pretty sure I've moved on to the next stage of existence. I'm pretty sure when I wake up tomorrow, I'll be a being of PURE ENERGY. I'm pretty sure I'll come back and visit though, so no worries! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1547 T-Rex: Medal stores will totally sell you whatever medal you ask for! T-Rex: ! T-Rex: I - why are people competing for first prize in a track meet when they can go out and buy a bigger trophy that says "ACTUAL FIRST PRIZE IN THE TRACK MEET: WAY BETTER THAN THAT OTHER GUY"? Dromiceiomimus: Probably for the fun of sport, T-Rex! The goal isn't actually the trophy. T-Rex: Then I'm sure nobody will mind when I'm at the awards ceremony, making a big deal of my way more awesome prize! Utahraptor: There's a way we can turn this realization of yours into something more positive, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh? Utahraptor: Yeah, what if instead of ruining track and field ceremonies, we bought awards for each other? Yours could say something like "SASSIEST DUDE" - T-Rex: And yours could say "CHUMLY PAL"! Oh my gosh, YES. Let's award each other medals! Narrator: LATER: Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, thanks for the award, but I'm not wearing a gold medal that says "DROMICEIOMIMUS: THE CLASSY DAME WITH THE SIX-SYLLABLE NAME". T-Rex: I understand, Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: I didn't know they'd be engraving it live qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1547 T-Rex: Medal stores will totally sell you whatever medal you ask for! T-Rex: ! T-Rex: I - why are people competing for first prize in a track meet when they can go out and buy a bigger trophy that says "ACTUAL FIRST PRIZE IN THE TRACK MEET: WAY BETTER THAN THAT OTHER GUY"? Dromiceiomimus: Probably for the fun of sport, T-Rex! The goal isn't actually the trophy. T-Rex: Then I'm sure nobody will mind when I'm at the awards ceremony, making a big deal of my way more awesome prize! Utahraptor: There's a way we can turn this realization of yours into something more positive, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh? Utahraptor: Yeah, what if instead of ruining track and field ceremonies, we bought awards for each other? Yours could say something like "SASSIEST DUDE" - T-Rex: And yours could say "CHUMLY PAL"! Oh my gosh, YES. Let's award each other medals! Narrator: LATER: Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, thanks for the award, but I'm not wearing a gold medal that says "DROMICEIOMIMUS: THE CLASSY DAME WITH THE SIX-SYLLABLE NAME". T-Rex: I understand, Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: I didn't know they'd be engraving it live qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1548 T-Rex: In the 1300's, the regular chicks and dudes in England were speaking what we'd call "Middle English", a rapidly developing alternative to the Latin and French used in religion and government. T-Rex: It was an exciting time to be saying "Forsooth"! T-Rex: And some of these dudes were big into English being developed as a "real" language, particularly one John Wycliffe, who decided to translate the Bible - one of, if not THE most important book of his time - into casual English. This would allow John's less educated countrymen to read it since, as it'd been written in Latin since the 5th century, currently required either formal education or a priest to interpret it for you! T-Rex: But when they started translating, they ran onto some problems! Utahraptor: Papal Resistance? T-Rex: That, but also a lot of English words they needed didn't exist yet! So John invented them, and we still use his "behemoth", "puberty", and "zeal". But he also needed a word for intestines", and the phrase he came up with - FOR THE BIBLE, I REMIND YOU - was "arse ropes". Utahraptor: Hilarious! T-Rex: And that brings us to today"#8217;s Proof We"#8217;re Not Living In The Best of All Possible Worlds! [[In a Scroll]]: "Doctors never talk about inflammation of the arse ropes" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1549 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for revenge! T-Rex: REVENGING MYSELF UPON MY ENEMIES, THAT IS! T-Rex: Specifically, revenging myself upon my enemies by finding out what their full names are, and then popularizing an insulting or embarrassing acronym that uses those initials. Dromiceiomimus: Huh? T-Rex: Like WTF! If I had an enemy named "Walter Theodore Freemont" I could invent WTF and then he'd be annoyed. Utahraptor: But WTF is already an invented acronym. T-Rex: I know! It was an example, GEEZ. T-Rex: I'm going to invent a NEW acronym that goes along with some enemy's initials, then ensure it gets super popular! Revenge: COMPLETED. Utahraptor: It seems like it'd be way easier to just make enemies with one W.T. Freemont that to try to direct the acronymic course of an entire language! IMHO. T-Rex: Oh my God, people who say "IMHO" in real life are just - Utahraptor? I am having trouble dealing with our friendship at the moment. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=155 T-Rex: I want to be Dick Tracy for Halloween T-Rex: But my mom says I should be a witch T-Rex: Oooh, she burns me up!!! Only pussies dress up as witches Dromiceiomimus: I want to be a witch Utahraptor: I heard you were going as a witch this year T-Rex: Who told you that?! Utahraptor: Your mom. Utahraptor: Pussy! T-Rex: Harry Potter's not a pussy! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1550 T-Rex: Yesterday I saw one of those mugs with a super cute drawing of a bear on it with the text "Good friends make life BEARABLE." Adorable! T-Rex: Only I didn't immediately notice the bear! T-Rex: And the "BEAR" part of "BEARable" wasn't capitalized. So my impression was simply of a mug with black text stating "Good friends make life bearable". It was this amazing mug of depression, a mug that broadcast to all who can read that life is pain, nothing but pain, that life will kill you and that only good friends can make it even briefly sustainable. Utahraptor: Let's sell them! T-Rex: I know, right? T-Rex: People are done with mugs that say cute things like "I Hate Mondays" or "World's Best Dad". We want realist mugs! Mugs that say things like "Maybe Mondays Aren't The Problem; Maybe I'm The Problem." Utahraptor: "I've Realized: Other Dads Are Almost Certainly Better." Utahraptor: Oh man! Can you imagine a secretary drinking coffee out of an "Is This All There Is?" mug? T-Rex: I can! [[T-Rex imagines tiny Batman head on left talking to tiny Spider-man head on right]] Batman: You can be my new roommate, Spider-man. I GUESS. Spider-man: WOOOO! T-Rex: ...LATER. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1551 T-Rex: Man, Dromiceiomimus has been looking fantastic lately! I would DEFINITELY rate her current attractiveness as AT LEAST a nine point five on ten!! T-Rex: I- [[T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus look at each other awkwardly]] Utahraptor: Hah! This is what you get for thinking out loud, my friend! T-Rex: Man! T-Rex: I should've went with it when I saw her; stopping in mid-sentence just admits guilt. I should've said, "That's right, Dromiceiomimus! YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING GREAT LATELY." Utahraptor: Except you didn't rate her a perfect ten. T-Rex: Only because I always reserve point five for emergencies!! Narrator: A HYPOTHETICAL EXAMPLE OF AN EMERGENCY: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you're a perfect 9.5 on 10! Dromiceiomimus: But what if I... dressed up like a flapper, and said "Here's the news?" T-Rex: That's a perfect ten and luckily I reserved some extra points for this scenario, listen I gotta go lie down. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1551 T-Rex: Man, Dromiceiomimus has been looking fantastic lately! I would DEFINITELY rate her current attractiveness as AT LEAST a nine point five on ten!! T-Rex: I- [[T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus look at each other awkwardly]] Utahraptor: Hah! This is what you get for thinking out loud, my friend! T-Rex: Man! T-Rex: I should've went with it when I saw her; stopping in mid-sentence just admits guilt. I should've said, "That's right, Dromiceiomimus! YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING GREAT LATELY." Utahraptor: Except you didn't rate her a perfect ten. T-Rex: Only because I always reserve point five for emergencies!! Narrator: A HYPOTHETICAL EXAMPLE OF AN EMERGENCY: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you're a perfect 9.5 on 10! Dromiceiomimus: But what if I... dressed up like a flapper, and said "Here's the news?" T-Rex: That's a perfect ten and luckily I reserved some extra points for this scenario, listen I gotta go lie down. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1552 T-Rex: Man, I totally missed out on my window for skydiving. I should've done it when I was younger! T-Rex: I had WAY less to lose then! Dromiceiomimus: What do you mean, T-Rex? A catastrophic dive in either case and you're still dead. T-Rex: True, but if I die at, say, 50, that's 50 years of accumulated experience, knowledge and responsibility that die with me! But if I die at 16 then all the world loses is one wacky teen and one handful of pages of wacky teen fan fiction. Utahraptor: But at 16 you had way more potential than you would at 50! T-Rex: Ouch! Utahraptor: At 16 you've got the potential for both you at 50 and the potential for trillions of alternate future and alternate yous, possibilities which are trimmed each instant you're alive. At 50 you've already exhausted tons of your options! T-Rex: .... Interesting. T-Rex: You know, life's funny, Utahraptor. I woke up this morning convinced that it would be better to die in a skydiving accident at 16 than at 50. Now I don't know what to believe! Utahraptor: That's funny? T-Rex: Actually I guess not qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1553 T-Rex: Most detective stories reveal clues to the reader as they progress through the book, allowing them to unravel the mystery with the characters, and, if they're good, figure out the mystery before the detective does! T-Rex: Not my detective story, you guys!! T-Rex: My detective doesn't show all the clues to the reader! He's always detecting stuff that the reader doesn't know and can't know, and at the end when he figures out the mastery, he arrests the murderer for reasons that we aren't privy to and that no careful reading of the text will ever reveal. T-Rex: The end! Utahraptor: Sounds pretty boring AND frustrating, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's not! I added in some NARRATIVE TENSION too! T-Rex: AS the story progresses, the narrator increasingly gives up on mystery ever being solved, and instead of describing the actions of the detective, indulges his interest in interior decoration and describes the curtains on the wall. Utahraptor: Riveting! T-Rex: It is! T-Rex: I call my tale, "The Stabby Murderer Who Got Detected, Or, Wow Will You Look At These Curtains?" T-Rex: Man, they say to write what you know, but I think they're just jealous of my awesome imagination! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1553 T-Rex: Most detective stories reveal clues to the reader as they progress through the book, allowing them to unravel the mystery with the characters, and, if they're good, figure out the mystery before the detective does! T-Rex: Not my detective story, you guys!! T-Rex: My detective doesn't show all the clues to the reader! He's always detecting stuff that the reader doesn't know and can't know, and at the end when he figures out the mastery, he arrests the murderer for reasons that we aren't privy to and that no careful reading of the text will ever reveal. T-Rex: The end! Utahraptor: Sounds pretty boring AND frustrating, T-Rex! T-Rex: It's not! I added in some NARRATIVE TENSION too! T-Rex: AS the story progresses, the narrator increasingly gives up on mystery ever being solved, and instead of describing the actions of the detective, indulges his interest in interior decoration and describes the curtains on the wall. Utahraptor: Riveting! T-Rex: It is! T-Rex: I call my tale, "The Stabby Murderer Who Got Detected, Or, Wow Will You Look At These Curtains?" T-Rex: Man, they say to write what you know, but I think they're just jealous of my awesome imagination! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1554 T-Rex: Maybe it's a good idea that people don't live forever. Rhetorical people, I mean! T-Rex: Like me and my dinosaur friends! T-Rex: If everyone lived forever, then there'd still be folks alive today who feel PERSONALLY AGGRIEVED by the ancient Koban culture, or who hold true to their born belief that the Earth rightfully belongs to, I dunno - the Visigoths? We'd never get anything done because we'd all be bickering over ancient wrongs, real or imagined. If we can't forgive, death at least gives us the option to forget! Utahraptor: T-Rex: coming out strongly in favour of death? T-Rex: Apparently!! T-Rex: Obviously I'd rather have an alive grandparent than a dead one, but I can see the advantage at the societal level in not having folks with mores thousands of years out of date still rinning around! Utahraptor: I suppose 3000 years ago there were people who DID hate the Kobans! T-Rex: Exactly! And now they're all dead, and the Kobans are dead, and we can all go through life without dealing with their irrelevant racism. T-Rex: Progress! Progress through everybody dying anf their kids eventually not caring who their parents hated! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1555 T-Rex: How come there wasn't science fiction a thousand years ago? I gotta say... T-Rex: The serfs certainly dropped the ball on that one! T-Rex: It's weird, isn't it, Dromiceiomimus? I don't see any reason why past dudes couldn't have written stories about what life would be like down the road. Why couldn't they have imagined horses that, when ridden fast enough, travelled back through time and allowed you to sass up your parents? Dromiceiomimus: Maybe they were too busy trying to survive? Utahraptor: Or maybe you're just being narrow in your definition of science fiction! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: Okay, well, nobody was talking about flying cars, sure, but people did conceptualize Pegasus, and that's a friggin' flying horse. Horses being the cars of olden times, remember? Just because Peggy didn't have a scientific underpinning doesn't mean he wasn't the result of people imagining better technologies! T-Rex: Okay, that's a good point. However! I will not concede until at least ONE ancient manuscript is uncovered that includes the line "Hay? where we're going, we don't need... hay." And then the horseman has to flip down the visor of his armour, okay? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1556 T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: Pretty sure I just ate some spider eggs!! T-Rex: There were gross red egg-sac things at the bottom of my drink, Dromiceiomimus! And I thought "Gross" and then I said "At least I didn't consume any of them though!" and then I forgot about how you should never say things like that because then I found some sacs stuck between my teeth too. Dromiceiomimus: Gross! T-Rex: I KNOW Utahraptor: You can either be optimistic or pessimistic about this, T-Rex! T-Rex: Today, my friend, I choose pessimism! T-Rex: Maybe THESE are the spiders who thrive on stomach acid! Maybe in a week I'll be vomiting up millions of tiny red spiders, over and over again. And maybe that won't be enough, and the rest will eat their way out, tunneling through my stomach, muscles, and finally, skin. Utahraptor: Gah! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Pessimists say that by expecting the worst, they're pleasantly surprised when things don't go that badly! I thought I'd give it a try, but honestly... T-Rex: I don't think pessimists are imagining hard enough qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1557 T-Rex: Man, speaking of pessimism, you know who's pessimistic? T-Rex: Arthur Friggin' Schopenhauer! T-Rex: Not only did A.F.S. not believe that this is the best of all possible worlds, he supplied a proof that this is, in fact, the WORST of all possible worlds! First he assumed that the worst possible world would be sustainable, since if it ended, nobody would be around to suffer. Prolonged suffering across millenia beats instant death! Dromiceiomimus: Clearly! T-Rex: CLEARLY. T-Rex: Then he observed that our world is good enough to support life, but just barely! Utahraptor: Life's everywhere, man! T-Rex: Sure, but one small shift in orbit, a slight change in temperature, and it's a catastrophe on a global scale. There's no wiggle room; if our fragile world was only a little worse there would be no life on it at all! Utahraptor: Therefore ours is the worst of all possible worlds? T-Rex: Yep! Because any worse and it wouldn't be a world, it would just be an empty planet without suffering, and nature ABHORS an empty planet without suffering. T-Rex: Anyway! T-Rex: I believe it was after this proof that A.F.S. added the "Friggin'" to his name! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1558 Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique: LEITWORTSTIL T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for leitwortstil! T-Rex: Leitwortstil is the purposeful repetition of words or phrases in a story, you guys! T-Rex: For example, a dog might always be described as "that wacky jerk" in a story, to underline what a wacky jerk that dog turned out to be. Or in a collection of stories, the same phrase might appear in each story, which helps tie them together as a whole! Leitwortstil ALSO happens when a character says the same word over and over and over again. Utahraptor: You mean like a catch phrase? T-Rex: Sure! Utahraptor: I'm not sure that counts as leitwortstil, does it? If it's just someone saying "Gee golly jeepers!", and there's no theme or motif associated with it - then it's just there for laughs, isn't it? T-Rex: My friend, I believe you are unfortunately TOTES WRONG on this one! Narrator: MEANWHILE IN TUDOR ENGLAND T-Rex: I stubbed my toe! Frig frig frig frig frig! ...Hey, Shakespeare! I just leitwortstiled "frig"! Shakespeare: t-rex i am from when "rowboat" could be spelled "rhowbhoatte" and even i don't think that's a word T-Rex: ...I think it's broken! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1559 T-Rex: I'm not afraid to admit it: I've nurtured some talents and have become particularly good at certain things. T-Rex: For example: stomping on things! T-Rex: I am really good at stomping on things. Years of practice have enabled me to put my foot above an object, shift my weight to the foot with force, and thus compress whatever is beneath my foot. And should I see someone struggling with stomping, something SO HARD for them and yet so easy for me, I would gladly help them out! Utahraptor: Assuming they want it, of course. T-Rex: Of course! T-Rex: And you agree that this is the right thing for me to do, assuming nobody is hurt through the stomping. Utahraptor: Absolutely. T-Rex: ... Utahraptor: But I'm STILL not cleaning raccoon poop off your porch, T-Rex! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR we just LOGICALLY PROVED that if raccoon poop makes me puke and you can handle it fine, then you should be the one cleaning it!! T-Rex: Please, Utahraptor, I- T-Rex: I can't handle the fact that my neighbours are poopy raccoons qwantz.com/index.php?comic=156 Narrator: Dinosaur Comics Presents: Fun-Pun Corner! Today: Fun-Puns with t-Rex's Fave Activity! By Steve Carey Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, why won't you lend me $20? T-Rex: Because I have to put my foot down! Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, why are you putting in all these long hours? T-Rex: I'm just trying to get a leg up! Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex, why are you dressed up so fancy? T-Rex: I'm stepping out! Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, what's your favourite percussion-based theatrical experience? T-Rex: The Blue Man Group! T-Rex: What?! I really do like it! It makes me so happy! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1560 T-Rex: People who say "Always be true to yourself" fail to consider that there are completely unrepentant murderers. T-Rex: That's right, I said it! Some people's true selves are total chumps! T-Rex: I would like it if the chumpified chicks and dudes were true to other selves, please. T-Rex: There's lots of good ones. T-Rex: ...Batman's an obvious choice. Utahraptor: Shakespeare wrote it, didn't he? "To thine own self be true"? T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: But Shakespeare wrote it for a CHARACTER, which doesn't mean that he personally believed it. You can write a story about a mad scientist and not actually want to wear retro aviator goggles all the time. Utahraptor: You can? T-Rex: I mean, the RHETORICAL "you" can. T-Rex: *sigh* qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1561 T-Rex: Time for some new punctuation marks, bitches!! T-Rex: And double exclamation marks don't count, bitches!! Dromiceiomimus: I thought we'd agreed - on your urging, actually - that we'd all be saying "bitches" less. T-Rex: That's right, britches!! Dromiceiomimus: See, that's still basically "bitches". T-Rex: I concede the point easily, backstitches!! Utahraptor: So, new punctuation marks? T-Rex: Yes! New punctuation marks! T-Rex: Okay, so I want one that conveys all the sass of saying "x, bitches!!" without the casual cussing and for any value of x. I want punctuation that when read causes all readers - regardless of who or when they are - to whisper a frank and awed "oh snap!" Utahraptor: So invent it and convince everyone it's a good idea! T-Rex: Utahraptor, were you using my new punctuation there? Did you mean to convey "Convince everyone it's a good idea, bitches!!"? Utahraptor (from outside the panel): Nope! T-Rex: Okay! T-Rex: It's just - I don't really know what it sounds like yet qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1562 T-Rex: Maslow was a dude who put all of our needs and desires into a hierarchy! The whole idea was that you can't satisfy any desire at the top of the hierarchy until you satisfy those beneath it. T-Rex: Nice going, Maslow! T-Rex: At the top is SELF ACTUALIZATION, which sounds pretty great, right? Except you can't get there unless you've already satisfied the level beneath it, which is esteem. And you don't get esteem - both self and from others - without relationships, and you don't worry about friggin' relationships until your basic safety needs are met. And finally, you don't worry about basic safety if you need to poop! Utahraptor: "You don't worry about basic safety if you need to poop." T-Rex: Maslow said it, not me! T-Rex: Well, he said the gist of it. Utahraptor: He did, did he? T-Rex: Okay, no, but he DID come up with the theoretical framework that allows a phrase such as mine to be reasonably constructed in a meaningful context. T-Rex: Don't look at me like that, Utahraptor! If my life's work is only used by some guy decades down the line to crack wise about poopin', I'll count myself as one lucky dude with one awesome legacy. T-Rex: I set 'em up, future generations knock 'em down! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1563 T-Rex, from within a thought cloud: Today is the day I give Dromiceiomimus the nice book I bought for her! T-Rex, from within a thought cloud: Yes! I am the thoughtful friend who buys presents for no reason! [[The owner of the thought cloud is revealed to be Dromiceiomimus]] T-Rex, from within a thought cloud: And even though sometimes I talk so much that I don't let her get a word in edgewise, I'm still happy to give her the book I got, called "I'll Talk Less And Listen More: A Book To Give A Friend Who Is Pretty Okay, More Than Pretty Okay, Even!" Dromiceiomimus: *sigh* T-Rex, from within a thought cloud: Utahraptor, I bought you some shoes! Utahraptor, from within a thought cloud: Really? Wow! What size? [[The owner of the thought cloud is revealed to be Utahraptor]] T-Rex, from within a thought cloud: I asked for size AWESOME! ...And then I clarified that down to a size large. Here you go, my friend! Thanks for being so great! Utahraptor: *sigh* Batman, from within T-Rex's thought cloud: The thing is, if I were real, I think we both know that I'd never have the time to hang out with a NON crime-fighting dinosaur. T-Rex: ... T-Rex: *sigh* qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1564 T-Rex: Dollars for sale! DOLLARS FOR SALE! T-Rex: Dollars for sale, you guys! T-Rex: Dollars for sale in an auction where everyone pays their highest bid, whether or not they win! T-Rex: So when you bid 1 cent, Dromiceiomimus - FOR A PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE DOLLAR - you'll be getting a great deal and you'll make a profit of 99 cents! But watch out, because if Utahraptor outbids you with 2 cents, then you could lose your penny! Remember you have to pay your high bid either way. Dromiceiomimus: So it's in my interest to outbid him with 3 cents: that way I can at least make a profit of 97 cents! Utahraptor: But then I'll just outbid her with the exact same motivation! T-Rex: True! Utahraptor: But then - if Dromiceiomimus bids 98 cents, I'll bid 99. Then she has to decide whether to bid $1: if she doesn't, she loses 98 cents, but if she does, she'll break even. So she does, and I'm left with the choice of either losing my 99 cents, or of bidding $1.01 and then only losing 1 cent. Utahraptor: So I bid more than the dollar is worth, just to minimize my losses! And it keeps on going, and we both end up bankrupt! This is the worst ever auction, and I'm not bidding. T-Rex: Would you say... "The only winning move is not to play?" Utahraptor: No, I think that movie's been referenced enough lately qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1565 GOD: T-REX GUESS WHAT YOU HAVE TO FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL TODAY T-REX: Hah! T-REX: ...What? GOD: ONLY FOR A FEW HOURS THOUGH OKAY T-REX: I don't understand! GOD: WHAT IS NOT TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS YOU'LL BE FILLING IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL SO I NEED YOU TO TALK TO HER FRIENDS ABOUT TEN YEAR OLD GIRL STUFF LIKE I DON'T KNOW PONIES GOD: WAS THAT SEXIST GOD: LISTEN I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THAT TO BE SEXIST T-REX: So - I guess I'm a 10 year old girl now? UTAHRAPTOR: What? T-REX: Listen, man: I don't know. God told me I would be filling in for a ten year old girl today, so here I am. UTAHRAPTOR: You're sure he didn't tell you, I don't know, that you're special? To be excellent to others? T-REX: Nope! He said "DUDE FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL" GOD: T-REX I SAID "FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD SQUIRREL" T-REX: You didn't! Whatever; I heard you clearly. GOD: OKAY BUY NOW I'M SAYING FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD SQUIRREL. GOD: IT WILL BE HILARIOUS GOD: OH MAN GOD: PROVABLY HILARIOUS qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1565 GOD: T-REX GUESS WHAT YOU HAVE TO FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL TODAY T-REX: Hah! T-REX: ...What? GOD: ONLY FOR A FEW HOURS THOUGH OKAY T-REX: I don't understand! GOD: WHAT IS NOT TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS YOU'LL BE FILLING IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL SO I NEED YOU TO TALK TO HER FRIENDS ABOUT TEN YEAR OLD GIRL STUFF LIKE I DON'T KNOW PONIES GOD: WAS THAT SEXIST GOD: LISTEN I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THAT TO BE SEXIST T-REX: So - I guess I'm a 10 year old girl now? UTAHRAPTOR: What? T-REX: Listen, man: I don't know. God told me I would be filling in for a ten year old girl today, so here I am. UTAHRAPTOR: You're sure he didn't tell you, I don't know, that you're special? To be excellent to others? T-REX: Nope! He said "DUDE FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL" GOD: T-REX I SAID "FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD SQUIRREL" T-REX: You didn't! Whatever; I heard you clearly. GOD: OKAY BUY NOW I'M SAYING FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD SQUIRREL. GOD: IT WILL BE HILARIOUS GOD: OH MAN GOD: PROVABLY HILARIOUS qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1566 T-Rex: You know those guys who die in really stupid, preventable ways that are entirely their fault? I'm pretty sure there's like a billion different timelines where I'M that guy! Dromiceiomimus (from outside the panel): I'm sure there's not a BILLION of them, T-Rex. T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, just recently this dude was found dead with shards of glass in his heart! You know what happened? His new lava lamp was taking TOO FRIGGIN' LONG to warm up, so he put it on his stove and heated it, and it got too hot and exploded on him and he died. Dromiceiomimus: Whoah! That's terrible. T-Rex: I know! And I'm not the only one who heard that story and thought, "Wow; glad he got the lava lamp before I did." Utahraptor: A man died, T-Rex! That's not funny! T-Rex: Utahraptor, I'm not joking! T-Rex: I truly believe I could've been the one who died. The sort of thing he did is exactly the sort of thing you do when you're home alone and frustrated with a lava lamp! You SOLVE PROBLEMS. Utahraptor: And sometimes you die. T-Rex: Yes! But we recognize that one dies so that others may live. T-Rex: By we, I mean of course the membership of the People Who When They Hear A Story About An Avoidable And Crazy Death, Laugh As Is Expected Of Them And Then Make A Mental Note To Not Do That Thing Anymore. T-Rex: Our slogan is "Hi, you are probably already a member of our awesome club!" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1567 T-Rex: Attention everyone! I have some terrible news! T-Rex: It turns out that we never get good at splitting the bill! Dromiceiomimus: Aw man, seriously?! We never get that one figured out? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I ate dinner with a group of 40-YEAR-OLDS over the weekend. And guess which table was over A THIRD short on the bill? OH HEY, IT WAS OUR TABLE! T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Maaaaaaaaan Utahraptor: I always thought we'd eventually figure that out! T-Rex: I know! ME TOO. T-Rex: But apparently adding up the cost of your items while also including tax and tip remains and UNKNOWABLE DARK MAGICK even at 40. I'm dining tonight to see if it ever gets any better. Utahraptor: Good luck! T-Rex: Thanks! Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: T-Rex: Utahraptor, the 80-year-olds paid the bill perfectly! Utahraptor [[from outside the panel]]: Holy crap! T-Rex: I know! AND they get to be referred to by the mass noun "elderlies"! T-Rex: TOTALLY looking forward to being an old guy over here! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1568 T-Rex: Today is the day, my friends! Yes! FINALLY. Today is the day! T-Rex: Today is the day we mess with people who have tattoos! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, did you hear that if you have a bird tattoo, it means that you're big into hugs? Giving, receiving, watching, it's all good to you! Dromiceiomimus: Really! Why the bird? T-Rex: It stands for "I will flip the bird RIGHT NOW to anyone who doesn't like hugs; I'm not even joking." Dromiceiomimus: Interesting! And also true! Utahraptor: I heard that tattoos with the letter "h" in them... T-Rex: ...Yes? Utahraptor: Well, I heard that an "h" in any tattoo is short for "Hey, Ask Me About My Sexual History", and a second "h" on the body is short for "Hey, Some Of It Is Personal Though, Okay?" T-Rex: And a third "h"? Utahraptor: "Hooray for the Huxtables." Narrator: NOTE FOR FUTURE PEOPLE WHO COME ACROSS THIS COMIC: T-Rex: The Huxtables were a family on a TV show. TV is what we had before we got video in our brains! And everyone who read this comic when it first came out was really great, even if we're all dead now. T-Rex: ...What's the future like? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1569 God: HEY T-REX YOU KINDA SHOULDN'T TEASE PEOPLE WITH TATTOOS T-Rex: Huh? T-Rex: Why not?! God: WELL IN SOME CULTURES TATTOOS ARE REALLY SIGNIFICANT AND MEAN MORE THAN JUST "HEY GUYS SO LOOK I HAD SOME EXTRA MONEY" God: I GOT A TATTOO YOU KNOW T-Rex: You do? God: YEAH IT'S PRETTY GREAT IT'S A PICTURE OF A HORSE AND UNDERNEATH ARE THE WORDS "NATURE'S DOMINOES" T-Rex: What the hell?! That was my idea! Utahraptor: What was your idea? T-Rex: The idea that horses are nature's dominoes! I had that idea like 5 years ago! GOD TOTALLY STOLE MY IDEA AND GOT IT AS A TATTOO. Utahraptor: God can get tattoos? T-Rex: Um, according to some religions, GOD CAN DO ANYTHING?? T-Rex: Not mine though! In MY religion, God now has to pay me royalties every time anyone sees his tattoo! God: T-REX IN MY RELIGION YOU HAVE TO STOP COMPLAINING SO MUCH God: LET ME TELL YOU ALL JOKING ASIDE God: IT'S THE BEST RELIGION qwantz.com/index.php?comic=157 T-Rex: Today is a good day, I think, for a guest comic. T-Rex: I'm in a comic!? T-Rex: It appears that by informing me of my current existence within a medium of entertainment, the guest comic author has already broken the so-called "fourth wall". Dromiceiomimus: Why should that matter? Your existence now is in no way different than it was before. T-Rex: but as a character in a comic, I am required to be a source of entertainment. This is a demand that I have up to now been unaware of. Thus I must provide the reader with some semblance of comedic banter... perhaps a pun using the phrase "breaking the fourth wall" and my current action of crushing many walls. Dromiceiomimus: I believe that particular point would have been better off remaining a subtle irony. T-Rex: Since I do not have a joke readily available, I will just have to resort to entertainment through violence. Utahraptor: But you don't NEED to come up with a joke or rely on entertaining violence! T-Rex: How so? Utahraptor: As a character in a comic, you have no true free will of your own. Nor do you think at all! It is the author that will com up with the joke. T-Rex: But what if he forgets to come up with a funny punchline? If I have no free will, does that mean that I will be forced to just take up space in the last caption and say nothing at all? Utahraptor: If the author is a lazy bum, yes. T-Rex: I don't see a punchline! Narrator: Just say "who the hell goes to Cornwall" T-Rex: Seriously, who does that? Narrator: I know! Seriously! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1570 T-Rex: Maybe there IS actually a personal benefit to being mortal and dying one day. T-Rex: I know, IT SOUNDS CRAZY, but stay with me! T-Rex: We mortal people get an end to pain that immortal dudes never get. Unlike immortal dudes, there's a finite number of times I'm going to stub my toe so hard that it breaks. One time I'll stub my toe and it'll break and I'll be able to say, "There, that's done with. I'm never stubbing my toe THAT friggin' hard again. I can finally put this TOTALLY RIDICULOUS aspect of being alive behind me." - even if I could never know it at the time! Utahraptor: One time when you say it, you'll have to be right! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: So now when something bad happens, I'll assume I'll die soon, so it's the last time it'll ever happen to me. I'll be able to sigh and just let it go. Utahraptor: "That's the last time I'm puking into my crotch"? T-Rex: Exactly! I'm not stubbing THESE toes any more! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: FRIG I STUBBED MY TOES AGAIN! T-Rex: WHAT T-Rex: IS T-Rex: THE T-Rex: DEAL T-Rex: WITH T-Rex: STUBBED TOES THAT HURT REALLY BAD qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1571 T-Rex: I am a man who doesn't know a lot of basic things about himself. I barely know what colour my eyes are! T-Rex: O- Orange? Deep saffron? GAMBOGE? T-Rex: But there's tons of other stuff I've never bothered to memorize too! What's my blood type? Social insurance number? Hat Size? The thing is, Dromiceiomimus, responding "Yes please" on a questionnaire only works for SOME of these questions. Dromiceiomimus: So memorize them, T-Rex! You're an adult now. Your hat size isn't going to change. T-Rex: You know what? She's right! I should memorize these things. Utahraptor: I agree! Utahraptor: I can see not knowing them as a child, but if you're going to be an adult, you need to know at least some of this stuff. T-Rex: Well, I'm going to be an adult, Utahraptor! I'm going to memorize ALL SORTS of useful facts about my body! Narrator: LATER: T-REX HAS FAILED TO MEMORIZE ANY NEW FACTS ABOUT HIMSELF T-Rex: Whatever, dudes!! T-Rex: I decided I wanted life to have some mystery. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1572 T-Rex: I'm pretty sure I could be an amazing dentist, you guys! T-Rex: In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm ALREADY an amazing dentist, you guys! T-Rex: I've got good teeth and it occurs to me that I'M the one who brushes my teeth every day and night. I'm TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE for all the day-to-day oral hygiene that goes on in my awesome mouth! T-Rex: My dentist is more of a - supervisor, you know? I check in with him once a year and he gives me some pointers. Then, I pay him for the pointers. Utahraptor: The only reason you can do some of it yourself is that there's a whole dentistry infrastructure supporting you, my friend! Utahraptor: You buy toothbrushes and toothpaste pre-made, each with thousands of hours of engineering and design put into them and all with the goal of ensuring oral hygiene even when in the hands of an amateur. You're not a dentist, man! You're just some dude who has learnt to press "play" on the VCR of modern dentistry. Utahraptor: ... Utahraptor: Analogously. T-Rex: OHHHHHHHHHH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1573 T-Rex: Mylings are Scandinavian ghosts! They're way better than regular ghosts, you guys! T-Rex: They're the ghosts of cheezed-off kids! T-Rex: They're cheezed-off ghost kids who just want to be buried properly. And if you encounter one, it hops on your back and demands to be taken to the nearest graveyard. And as you approach the graveyard they grow heavier and heavier, until they're so heavy that you can sink into the ground under their weight. And if that happens then they kill you in a rage and try again with the next guy! T-Rex: AWESOME. Utahraptor: What's awesome? It's awesome to be dead? T-Rex: Man, who knows?! T-Rex: But what IS awesome is the idea of a ghost who just wants to be buried, but who, despite this one consuming desire, also can't resist pulling the old "increasing mass piggyback ride" prank. Utahraptor: I get the sense you empathize with these ghosts a lot. T-Rex: Oh man, I totally do! T-Rex: If I could increase my mass, you can bet I'd be going for gag piggyback rides ALL THE TIME! As it stands though, all I can do is eat fruit from passing trees DURING the ride. Utahraptor: I see. T-Rex: Yeah, it definitely takes too long qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1574 T-Rex: I'm totally going to fake my own death today. T-Rex: Everyone, don't tell anyone!! T-Rex: I've got it all set up. My diary today says "I think SOMEONE's gonna murder me today!" and I've made YouTube comments that say "pretty sure someone wants to murder me >:|" and there won't be a body in my house, just a note that says "MAN I guess I got murdered, huh?". Dromiceiomimus: Those sound like pretty suspicious circumstances, T-Rex! T-Rex: The only thing suspicious is how APPARENTLY perfect my murder is! Utahraptor: And that's still suspicious! Utahraptor: Listen, you want to fake your death, you've got to do it right, with none of this way-too-obvious note stuff. Let's stop joking around here and get down to business. T-Rex: I - okay? Utahraptor: Good. Utahraptor: We're doing this, man. We're making this happen. T-Rex: Man, what if I just paid my late fees instead qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1575 T-Rex: David Hilbert was a mathematician and hotelier who was born in 1892. He built an infinite hotel, you guys! Narrator: THE INFINITE HOTEL Narrator: A TRUE STORY T-Rex: So Hilbert built this infinite hotel that was infinitely big and had infinitely many rooms; I believe this was a matter of some investment. But build it he did, and soon after a bus with infinity people in it showed up, with each of them wanting a room! Lucky for Hilbert he had his infinite hotel, so each guest got a room, and the hotel was filled up to capacity. Nice! But just then another friggin' bus showed up, and it ALSO had infinity people in it! Utahraptor: Nobody builds for TWO infinite buses showing up right after the other! T-Rex: Turns out they do! T-Rex: He just told every guest already there to move into the room that was double their current room number. So the guest in room 3 moved into room 6, and so on! Thus, only the even-numbered rooms were occupied, and everyone on the new bus could have an odd-numbered room! Utahraptor: Amazing! T-Rex: Yep! Anyway! T-Rex: It's my understanding that he died an infinitely rich man infinity years later qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1576 Narrator: HISTORY'S CHUMPS T-Rex: History if full of chumps, you guys!! T-Rex: Today's historical chump is William H. Mumler (born 1832), who was a photographer guy who did portraits! Only he wasn't very good photographer guy because one time he accidentally double-exposed some film, and the resulting image showed the one portrait clearly but also showed a ghostly image of the other portrait! Utahraptor: So he threw away the photo and reminded himself not make that dumb mistake anymore? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: Instead he embarked on a career as a SPIRIT PHOTOGRAPHER and made a lot of money duping a lot of people, including Abraham Lincoln's widow. Only, peopleeventually started to notice that his "ghosts" looked an awful lot like living people around town! Utahraptor: Hah! Whoops! T-Rex: They ALSO eventually noticed how he was breaking into their houses so he could look at photographs and figure out what his ghosts were supposed to look like. Anyway like everyone else from history he eventually died and now his entire life has been compressed to a short story, the end! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1577 God: IT'S TIME FOR ROMANCE TIPS WITH T-REX T-Rex: Yes! Today is the day for some tips on how to convince yourself that no matter what you'll never find anyone bett- T-Rex: Okay! Today is the day for some tips on being romantic! T-Rex: Flowers are nice, for all sexes and genders! They're pretty and also - smell pretty? Also! It can be romantic to tell someone you love them. Also, um. T-Rex: Okay, so here's the thing. Probably there is someone out there who's better suited with you. The odds of you both having found the ONE person who's absolutely best for you, no matter what system you use to rank "bestness", are pretty small. T-Rex: But! Utahraptor: But? T-Rex: BUT. T-Rex: Let's say you're happy with person A (95% perfect) and you meet person B who is 99% perfect. It doesn't make sense to leave person A for B if you've been with them for years! You lose out on all your shared history, and that's like a times two multiplier! Utahraptor: Romance? T-Rex: Romance with a times two multiplier! God: OKAY SO God: ROMANCE TIPS WITH T-REX WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA T-Rex: ...Righty-o qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1578 T-Rex: Some folks got opinions, you guys! T-Rex: Some folks got opinions on what their genitals should be called, you guys! T-Rex: BY WAY OF AN EXAMPLE, "vagina" comes from Latin, where it means "sheath" - as in something that goes around a sword! And some people are like, check it, MY vagina does tons more than the passive "sheath" implies, so let's call it something else! Dromiceiomimus: "Check it"? T-Rex: That's what some people are like, Dromiceiomimus!! Utahraptor: But lots of the alternative names can be considered obscene, can't they? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: But they can also be entirely free from any quasi-insulting Latinate etymology the other words have. There's people trying to reclaim these currently-taboo words in the same way "queer" was! Utahraptor: Neat! But largely irrelevant to us, as our reproduction is not through vaginal intercourse! Utahraptor: AS YOU KNOW, we achieve intercourse through a cloacal kiss, the cloaca being of course our single shared intestinal, urinary, AND reproductive tract opening! T-Rex: Yes, of course! *sigh* T-Rex: It is extremely erotic qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1579 T-Rex: What's that, computer? Updates are available to be installed? T-Rex: FRIG YES T-Rex: I love friggin' updates! Why doesn't my computer do everything perfectly right now? Because if it did, I wouldn't get the joy of friggin' updating all the time! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe something that used to work won't work anymore! T-Rex: FRIG that'd be awesome. I love fixing stuff I didn't even break!! Utahraptor: Did you hear that friggin' updates are available to be installed, T-Rex? T-Rex: I sure friggin' did!! T-Rex: We'll be saying this when we're 50 years old, you know. We'll still be installing friggin' updates. Utahraptor: Or maybe updates will be installed without even telling us, so when things break it'll be a big surprise each time with no friggin' discernable cause! T-Rex: Oh frig! I think the future just got awesome! Utahraptor: Frig, right? T-Rex: For a second there, I was worried the future wouldn't have the word "frig" written all over it!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=158 T-Rex: Did you know you can find instructions for making a bomb on the interweb? T-Rex: I didn't have any plutonium though, T-Rex: so I filled it with pictures from when we were kids! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1580 T-Rex: Say a friggin' word enough, and it loses all friggin' meaning! Narrator: SEMANTIC SATIATION T-Rex: "Frig" is a bad example though because that word is great. But we've all spent an afternoon saying something like "waterpark" over and over until there's nothing there, just sounds, just the empty shell of a word, waterpark, the oral equivalent of a forgotten childhood toy found in adulthood, now strange and alien and no longer coloured by desire, by anything, waterpark. Did the word ever really have any meaning? Utahraptor: I think it's happening to me! Waterpark, waterpark, waterpark. T-Rex: Waterpark, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: It's due to a repeated firing of the same cortex area which causes a reduction in the waterpark intensity, right? Waterpark. T-Rex: It's too late to ask how or why. We're done for, Utahraptor. This is where our waterpark story ends. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Utahraptor, I overdosed on semantic satiation! The word "waterpark" has been sandblasted right out of my mind! Utahraptor: How'd you use it just now? T-Rex: That was the last instance I had! T-Rex: ...what word? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1581 T-Rex: The words for "mother" and "father" are really similar, if not identical, across tons of languages! And the reason isn't because the languages are closely related. It's due to a way more awesome reason! T-Rex: It's because parents totally assume their babies are talking about them! T-Rex: It's so amazing: "ma", "pa" are some of the first and easiest language-like sounds babbling babies make - and what's the word for "mother" in English? "Mama"! And it's also "mama" in Dutch, and in Romanian, and in Catalan, Slovak, Quechu, Romanian, Chinese, German, Russian, and MORE. The languages have evolved such that the first language noise a baby makes sounds like it's saying "Hey mom, what's up?" Utahraptor: And dads make the seam deal too! "Papa" is in English, Cree, and Hindi! T-Rex: Neat! Utahraptor: It's kinda awesome that these words are built to flatter new parents. T-Rex: Man, it's great! Across language, time, and entire civilizations, we're united by pointing at our babbling babies and saying, "Yes. This child is DEFINITELY talking about me." T-Rex: Hooray for egoism! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1582 T-Rex: Our bodies are amazing things! T-Rex: Check it, Everyone! T-Rex: We use our mouths to talk. We invent, remember and teach entire languages with which to do the talking! And if that fails, We can TALK WITH OUR HANDS. We build planes and boats and cars and spaceships, all by either using our bodies directly, or by using instruments invented by our bodies. We compose beautiful music and tell amazing stories, all with our bodies, these fleshy bags with spooky skeletons inside! T-Rex: And yet... Utahraptor: And yet? T-Rex: And yet, if we have a severe enough peanut allergy, we can be killed IN SECONDS by a single friggin' legume. And hey, 70% of our planet's surface is water, but what happens if we spend too much time in it? WE DROWN. Utahraptor: Game over! T-Rex: Game over, man! T-Rex: I used to make fun of Green Lantern for being vulnerable to the colour yellow! Then I choked on my orange juice one morning and nearly suffocated. T-Rex: ... T-Rex: *sigh* qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1583 T-Rex: Last night I dreamt I was preparing to buy a boat, and by "preparing to" I mean "stressing out about the confusing but necessary paperwork in order to". T-Rex: Major snorefest! T-Rex: And I am not one to say "major snorefest" lightly, Dromiceiomimus! Dromiceiomimus: It's one of the reasons we're friends! T-Rex: Exactly! But it helped me realize: even when I'm dreaming of interesting things like zombies or sexin', it's still kinda disappointing. Utahraptor: Man, what's wrong with zombies and sexin'? T-Rex: Folks have already imagined those things!! T-Rex: I want to dream about things I CAN'T otherwise experience: new colours and impossible shapes and sounds my ears could never process! In dreams my brain is decoupled from my limited senses; why doesn't it get ON this? Utahraptor: Sounds like you should be taking this up with your brain, not with me! T-Rex: FINE T-Rex (thinking): Hey brain, this is me, the conscious part! T-Rex (thinking): Listen T-Rex (thinking): I would like more dreams in UHF please qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1584 T-Rex: Today is the day I cook a meal for all my friends! You're coming, right God? God: YEP FOR SURE I LOVE TO EAT MY CREATIONS T-Rex: ... Okay, great! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus you're coming too, right? Dromiceiomimus: Sure! What are you making? T-Rex: A themed dish for every guest! Yours is on the theme "vegetarian ornithomimidae" Dromiceiomimus: Appropiate! Utahraptor: Oooh! What's my dish's theme? T-Rex: "Gay". T-Rex: It'll be delicious! "Here's some gay", I'll say! "Eat up!" Utahraptor: I'm not sure if that's offensive. I think it might be offensive! Maybe? I guess it depends on what food you think best represents "gay". Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Well? Do you like it? Utahraptor: It's a box of Cap'n Crunch cereal, and inside the box you put a note that says "DUDES". T-Rex: ... T-Rex: Utahraptor your theme was REALLY TOUGH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1585 The Devil: GREETINGS T-REX LET'S REMAKE SOME CLASSIC VIDEO GAMES T-Rex: With new graphics? The Devil: WITH NEW GRAPHICS DELIVERING ASTOUNDING NEW VISTAS NEVER BEFORE SEEN The Devil: ALSO WITH STEREOPHONIC SOUNDS T-Rex: At the very least!! The Devil: AND LET US ENSURE THE CORE GAMEPLAY MECHANIC IS PRESENT AND UNMOLESTED T-Rex: Maybe we could tweak it a bit though: advance it for the times! The Devil: WHAT EXCUSE ME T-REX BUT IF YOU WANT TO MESS WITH GAMEPLAY WHY BOTHER REMAKING A CLASSIC GAME The Devil: DO NOT BOTHER ANSWERING THAT QUESTION FOR THERE EXISTS NO ANSWER THAT CAN GIVE ANY SATISFACTION T-Rex: Aw man, things were going so well with the Devil for once! Utahraptor: What happened? T-Rex: I suggested changing the gameplay mechanics while remaking an old game. Utahraptor: Why bother remaking a game if you're just going to change it? T-Rex: I know, I know, I shouldn't answer that question, there exists no answer that can give any satisfaction. The Devil: T-REX I WOULD REQUEST AN INTRODUCTION TO YOUR FRIEND UTAHRAPTOR T-Rex: He's right there; just talk to him! The Devil: I'VE TRIED The Devil: EITHER HE DIDN'T HEAR ME OR HE BELIEVED THAT THE MOST ILLUMINATING ANSWER TO MY QUESTIONS WAS TO CONTINUE EATING CORN qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1586 T-Rex: When someone accidentally gets sent to the past, they always make sure to write a letter held in trust and delivered to their friends decades later, telling them that they made it alright! T-Rex: Pretty disappointed this hasn't happened to me yet, you guys!! T-Rex: MAYBE this letter will still be delivered to me in the future, but I'll be older then! If I'm to do anything about it - if I'm to go back and Save My Friend - I should be getting the letter now, when I'm in my prime! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe the letter arrives when you're old because if you get it any sooner, you mess up in your rescue attempt and die! Or worse! T-Rex: Huh! I hadn't thought of that! Utahraptor: Man, you should! Utahraptor: The letter probably says "Dear T-Rex, okay, let's try this again. You'll get this when you're 80, let's see if you can come back and save me without stepping on ALL the butterflies this time, alright bitches??" T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: No friend of MINE would commit a cuss like that to writing! Narrator: LATER, T-REX TRIES IT AND COMMITS SOME CUSSES TO WRITING! T-Rex: Nothing bad happened! T-Rex: I don't understand. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1587 T-Rex: I have led my life believing that people who write down cuss words have bad things happen to them. T-Rex: And it has worked out really well so far! T-Rex: When I saw someone writing a cuss, I would think "It's okay, that person will have troubles down the line because of that, and then they'll realize why, and then they'll know not to write down cusses anymore. They will have learnt their lesson." But I wrote down some cusses last night and nothing bad happened! T-Rex: Nothing! Utahraptor: Maybe it was the cusses you chose? T-Rex: That's what I thought! T-Rex: But after smaller cusses didn't take, I worked up to the bigger ones. And even they weren't doing anything! By the time it was time for bed, I was writing out things like "PROFESSOR CUNTBURGLAR" in my notebook, complete with doodled 3D effects! Utahraptor: And still no response, huh? Weird! T-Rex: I know! But then I realized there's probably a delay, so when a bunch of birds poop on my head later on this week I'm not going to wonder why. T-Rex: Look for me, I'll be the guy shielding my head with one hand while shouting "Don't worry everyone! I deserve this!!" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1588 T-Rex: Which guy just totally shredded his phone bill? Oh snap, looks like it was THIS guy! T-Rex: I'm a dude with a shredder now, ladies!! T-Rex: I paid my phone bill and then I shredded it, and then I shredded the envelope it came in, and then I wrote some secrets down and shredded THEM. I will never get tired of shredding things with my new shredder, Dromiceiomimus! I do hereby solemnly vow and affirm that I will be big into shredders until the day I die! I swear it! Dromiceiomimus: Okay Utahraptor: Vows are meant to be saved for the big things, man! T-Rex: This is big! Utahraptor: No, this is you infatuated with a consumer-grade appliance. Vows are for when you get married, swear revenge on the death of a loved one, or become Batman! And even that is just a special case of the revenge one. T-Rex: Not anymore, Utahraptor!! "I vow" is the new "I swear to God"! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Oh my God, this radio station sucks so bad!! T-Rex: HOLY CRAP! T-Rex: I VOW T-Rex: THAT THERE CAN BE NONE SUCKIER qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1589 God: VAMPIRES CAN HAVE KIDS T-REX T-Rex: Oh daaaaaaaang!! T-Rex: Why was I not informed until now?! T-Rex: Vampires can have kids, Dromiceiomimus! They can REPRODUCE through sex! Dromiceiomimus: What? Daaaaaang! T-Rex: Yeah, vampires can make more vampires either through bites OR through sex. They have an entire reproduction option that we don't have! T-Rex: Kinda jealous over here! Utahraptor: But, they can't go out in the sun. T-Rex: Yep! There is that. T-Rex: And I actually don't think the bite option is that fun anyway. Biting someone and getting their blood into your mouth? Honestly? I can think of like four better ways to spend a Friday night. Utahraptor: Name 'em. T-Rex: Playing video games, eating food, hanging out with friends, and having ACTUAL SEX. T-Rex: Not necessarily all at the same time, either qwantz.com/index.php?comic=159 T-Rex: There's a house to stomp... T-Rex: STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! T-Rex: Wait, I've been here before...it's the Tyrone residence! Mr. Tyrone is arguing with his sons again... Tyrones: Another shot in the arm! Tyrones: Cut out that kind of talk! Tyrones: Hold your foul tongue and your rotten Broadway loafer's lingo! Dromiceiomimus: They're always arguing! T-Rex: And there's Mrs. Tyrone, wandering aimlessly. I could stomp her too... Utahraptor: No, DON'T! T-Rex: Why shouldn't I stomp them all? Utahraptor: Because the Tyrones will be more miserable if you let them live. T-Rex: Oh. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1590 T-Rex: Oh crap! Everybody died! T-Rex: I'm the last one left on the planet! T-Rex: Oh craaaaaaaaaaa- Narrator: THREE WEEKS EARLIER... T-Rex: You know what's dumb? MY MP3 PLAYER. Dromiceiomimus: How is your MP3 player dumb, T-Rex? T-Rex: It should have one of those accelerometers or whatever in it, so it can charge itself from my motions throughout the day! Utahraptor: Those wouldn't generate nearly enough power! T-Rex: Okay, that's dumb too! T-Rex: We should have something that can turn the motion of my legs into enough electricity to keep an MP3 player charged. There, I just invented it. Someone implement it now okay?? Utahraptor: There are physical limits to what a - T-Rex: OH MY GOD JUST DO IT OKAY?? Narrator: SORRY WE WENT A WEEK OR SO TOO FAR BACK; THE EVENTS THAT LED TO EVERYONE DYING HAVEN'T REALLY STARTED YET Narrator: SORRY Narrator: LISTEN, THANK YOU FOR READING MY COMIC qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1591 T-Rex: My autobiography, by me, T-Rex! *ahem* T-Rex: I was born in the past. T-Rex: But then I got older, you guys! T-Rex: And I made some great friends and did some cool things. Eventually, one of these things I did was to write a book about them. And that brings us up to the present! T-Rex: So! Now I'm writing my book and stepping on this tiny woman. I'm kinda hungry? Utahraptor: Oh God, live autobiography! T-Rex: My friend Utahraptor is sassing this book I'm writing. He's really insulting ALL of us! T-Rex: " Utahraptor: I'm not insulting anyone, I'm just not a fan of live autobio. T-Rex: ", he said. T-Rex: ! T-Rex: I'm not really sure how I did that!! T-Rex: I'm REALLY NOT SURE how that happened qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1592 T-Rex: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. T-Rex: That's Newton's third law o' motion! T-Rex: And it means that when I slam into a wall and bounce off and hurt myself, I'm not sore because the wall is solid. I'm sore because the wall hits me - LITERALLY hits me! The wall DECIDES to hit me back with exactly as much force as I hit it with, and I'm the one who gets hurt! Utahraptor: The wall hit you, but "decide" is misleading! The wall didn't make any decisions. T-Rex: Man, how do we know?! T-Rex: We call it Newton's LAW because all matter in the Universe follows it. But maybe every atom of matter in the universe is imbued with JUST enough consciousness to decide to be a retaliatory dick every chance it gets! Utahraptor: That's magical thinking, T-Rex. T-Rex: Utahraptor, I can live in a world of immutable scientific laws, or I can live in a world where I need to revenge myself on my kitchen floor because it smashed up a glass I dropped. T-Rex: Wait, when I put it that way it sounds kinda dumb!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1593 Narrator: PHRASES THAT MEAN NOTHING COMICS Narrator: "INSPIRED BY A TRUE STORY" T-Rex: Anything can be "inspired" by a true story! One day I pooped to the moon. T-Rex: INSPIRED BY A TRUE STORY?? NARRATOR: "AWARD-WINNING" T-Rex: There are awards for everything awarded by everyone, and if you don't specify I'm going to assume you won the "Worse Than Hitler Award For Real Terribleness". Unless it's the Nobel or the Pulitzer I'm really not interested! Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, want to try my Pultizer-prize winning clam chowder? T-Rex: Yes! See? YES. T-Rex: THAT'S the sort of dinner experience that gets people's attention. That is the sort of dinner experience you put on your resume!! T-Rex " Utahraptor: Proudly!! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: This chowder is good, but now I'm uncomfortably remembering how they only give out Pulitzers for books and stuff. No chowders. Utahraptor: The story of how delicious this chowder IS is what won the award. T-Rex: Of course!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1595 Narrator: BIKING TIPS FOR TEENS T-Rex: Teens! Do you love biking? Sure You Do! T-Rex: You're a teen!! T-Rex: But did you know that biking without a helmet can be dangerous? Actually biking with a helmet can be dangerous too. Biking, regardless of helmet status, can be dangerous. Dromiceiomimus: Getting out of bed can be dangerous. T-Rex: Getting out of bed can be dangerous, teens!! Utahraptor: Who are you talking to? There's - there's no teens here. T-Rex: But there might be teens ABOUT here! T-Rex: You know, teens walking by on their way to somewhere else. Utahraptor: Eavesdropping teens. T-Rex: Yes! Eavesdropping teens who'll overhear our conversation and say "Holy smokes! I'd better learn to love safety!" and then, they go and learn to love safety. T-Rex: Do they do it in the comfort of their own home? Do they do it in the "skate park"? Who knows?! They're teens! <