]> qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1 T-Rex: Today is a beautiful day to be stomping on things! As a dinosaur, stomping on things is the best part of my day, indeed! T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: What's that, little house? You wish you were back in your own time? THAT IS TOO BAD FOR YOU T-Rex: Perhaps you too will get a stomping, little girl! Utahraptor: WAIT! Utahraptor: Is stomping really the answer to your problem(s)? T-Rex: Problem(s)? T-Rex: My only problem(s) have to do with you interrupting my stomping! T-Rex: (in small text) crazy utahraptor! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=10 T-Rex: I have felt the harsh sting of my own racial joke turned against me! Luckily, I've been saving a joke for just such an occasion. T-Rex: All of those hours of thinking up insults for hypothetical enemies has finally paid off! T-Rex: So, my racist joke somehow backfired on me. Dromeciomimus: I hope that's the last time you ever say that sentence. T-Rex: Well, I've made up my own joke to get him today. All I need to do is "find that Utahraptor!" T-Rex: I hope the Utahraptor is around here somewhere! My legs are giving tired. Utahraptor: I'm behind you. T-Rex: There you are! Knock, knock. Utahraptor: Who's there? T-Rex: Utah. Utahraptor:*sigh* Utah who? T-Rex: Utaught me how to be a stupid jerk! T-Rex: And I was a very good student! Utahraptor: Do you even listen to yourself? T-Rex: No, but-- see, I learned it from you! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=100 Narrator: A JOURNEY TO THE MOON Narrator: A RARE PROPOSITION T-Rex: I propose a journey to the moon! Narrator: SEVEN YEARS LATER... T-Rex: I have constructed a rocket-ship for myself and a guest of my choosing! The wood from this house will provide the fuel! Dromiceiomimus: May I be your guest? T-Rex: I will give your offer my consideration? Narrator: ON THE MOON... T-Rex: Lunar women are good for stomping! Utahraptor: Thanks for choosing me, T-Rex! Narrator: A RETURN TO EARTH! Utahraptor: Let's do that again sometime! T-Rex: I concede it easily! Narrator: A NEW DAY DAWNS... T-Rex: Now, where is my wallet? T-Rex: OH SHIT! T-Rex: IT IS ON THE MOON qwantz.com/index.php?comic=100 Narrator: A JOURNEY TO THE MOON Narrator: A RARE PROPOSITION T-Rex: I propose a journey to the moon! Narrator: SEVEN YEARS LATER... T-Rex: I have constructed a rocket-ship for myself and a guest of my choosing! The wood from this house will provide the fuel! Dromiceiomimus: May I be your guest? T-Rex: I will give your offer my consideration? Narrator: ON THE MOON... T-Rex: Lunar women are good for stomping! Utahraptor: Thanks for choosing me, T-Rex! Narrator: A RETURN TO EARTH! Utahraptor: Let's do that again sometime! T-Rex: I concede it easily! Narrator: A NEW DAY DAWNS... T-Rex: Now, where is my wallet? T-Rex: OH SHIT! T-Rex: IT IS ON THE MOON qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1000 Narrator: FOUR YEARS AGO: T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for being remembered! My lovely visage, callipygian frame, startlingly awesome calves and charming smile will yet go down in history! And how will I be immortalized? T-Rex: I will be immortalized by kicking an evil kangaroo one thousand times. Right in the bum! T-Rex: And YEAH, kicking a kangaroo in the bum has PROBABLY been done before, but never one thousand times! That's the secret to immortality: pick a direction and go SO FAR OUT in it that anyone who points to you will have to say, "Here, this is as far as anyone needs to go." Then, hey presto, you're immortalized! You're the dude who kicked an evil kangaroo as often as evil kangaroos could ever need be kicked- probably more often, actually. Utahraptor: So you're going for recordbook immortality? T-Rex: Crazy utahraptor!! T-Rex: I'm going for STUNT immortality. I'll just keep kicking that kangaroo until even if somebody wanted to catch up, they'd look at my record and say "Well, THAT'S totally not worth doing". Utahraptor: I guess, if that's how you want to spend your life. T-Rex: IT APPARENTLY IS Narrator: FOUR YEARS LATER: T-Rex: Aw shoot, I was supposed to be kicking kangaroos all this time! GOD: LOOKS LIKE PEOPLE WILL JUST REMEMBER YOU FOR TALKING A BIG GAME MY FRIEND T-Rex: I will take what I can get!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1001 T-Rex: I've thought of the best story! Oh goodness. This story will make me RICH. It will make me PRIME MINISTER of being rich. I will be awarded a doctorate in APPLIED RICHOLOGY. T-Rex: I can only hope the world is ready for it! T-Rex: So BASICALLY in the story there's all this build up about this kid whose parents named her Crime and how she grows into her name and becomes this big arch-criminal! The cops are powerless to stop her, even the really really good ones. ESPECIALLY the really really good ones. Anyway it's narrated in the third person and at the end of the book Crime goes out on a few dates with the narrator and then he abruptly stops writing because he's all cheezed at her. The end! Utahraptor: But - why is he all cheezed at her? T-Rex: Because he always has to pay for everything! T-Rex: Get it? Because CRIME DOESN'T PAY!! Listen, my story has both a hilarious twist ending and also an important message regarding the paying of crime. T-Rex: Dear mental diary that everyone can hear: Utahraptor was so impressed with my book idea that he forgot how to talk! Utahraptor: I didn't forget how to talk! I just forgot how to shoot down your idea politely! T-Rex: Utahraptor!! DON'T LISTEN TO MY DIARY! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1002 Narrator: DATING TIPS COMICS Narrator: now featuring: tips i found in this one book! T-Rex: Here are some HOT TIPS FOR FIRST DATES, cats and kittens! T-Rex: Okay! The first tip is this: to find out if your date is REALLY into you, all you have to do is push a salt shaker over to their side of the table! If he's interested in you, he'll pick it up and play with it, but if he's NOT interested, he'll push it back to your side. The salt shaker represents your feelings, here, okay? And playing with a salt shaker represents ROMANTIC INTENT. Utahraptor: That's stupid! It's semantically overloading practical actions. T-Rex: See, I thought so too! T-Rex: But I just thought I was crazy, because why would someone put out a dating book if all they had were sucky tips that can TOTALLY FAIL if the guy just wants saltier, and therefore tastier, fries? I could write a better dating book. IN FACT...! Utahraptor: Aw no, no, you don't - Narrator: MEET SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T SUCK THEN TRY KISSING THEM Narrator: A BOOK THAT WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1002 Narrator: DATING TIPS COMICS Narrator: now featuring: tips i found in this one book! T-Rex: Here are some HOT TIPS FOR FIRST DATES, cats and kittens! T-Rex: Okay! The first tip is this: to find out if your date is REALLY into you, all you have to do is push a salt shaker over to their side of the table! If he's interested in you, he'll pick it up and play with it, but if he's NOT interested, he'll push it back to your side. The salt shaker represents your feelings, here, okay? And playing with a salt shaker represents ROMANTIC INTENT. Utahraptor: That's stupid! It's semantically overloading practical actions. T-Rex: See, I thought so too! T-Rex: But I just thought I was crazy, because why would someone put out a dating book if all they had were sucky tips that can TOTALLY FAIL if the guy just wants saltier, and therefore tastier, fries? I could write a better dating book. IN FACT...! Utahraptor: Aw no, no, you don't - Narrator: MEET SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T SUCK THEN TRY KISSING THEM Narrator: A BOOK THAT WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1003 T-Rex: It's been three days and neither "Life of Crime" nor "Meet Someone who Doesn't Suck" have made me rich. MAYBE I AM NOT THAT GREAT AN AUTHOR?? T-Rex: Or maybe PEOPLE are not that great an audience! Dromiceiomimus: Or maybe you have to wait longer for a book to turn a profit! T-Rex: Or MAYBE I should be happy that I basically wrote two books in as many days, and got them published in an afternoon, and that's kinda impressive even if they aren't selling that well so far?? Utahraptor: Or maybe if they were selling well, you wouldn't know it yet! T-Rex: THAT'S RIGHT! T-Rex: Maybe I really am great, just impatient, and when I get home tonight there'll be a sales report in the mail showing how my books are now TEN TIMES MORE POPULAR THAN THE BIBLE. It would make sense, since they have like twenty times as many jokes in them! Utahraptor: Maybe? God: OR MAYBE I JUST DIDN'T PUT MANY JOKES IN THE BIBLE BECAUSE OF TRANSLATION ISSUES. T-Rex: Hey everyone! You know what needs more jokes? ONLY EVERY RELIGIOUS TEXT EVER!! God: AW MAN - NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH ALL THESE RAISED EXPECTATIONS qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1004 T-Rex: Alright! Time to start some INTERNET BUSINESSES. T-Rex: For profits! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: easydudes.com! T-Rex: It's an easy way for you to meet new dudes! If you move to a new town and want to meet some dudes then you can go to the site and then you can meet some. On the COMPUTER! Dromiceiomimus: It sounds a little more like a service to hook people up with sexually permissive and sexually available dudes, T-Rex! T-Rex: Drat! It DOES. Another brilliant idea ruined by a hilarious double entendre. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: Okay, so my new idea is to give the homeless access to mail, email, and a phone number! Utahraptor: Nice! Utahraptor: It can be hard for the homeless to get jobs when they can't provide callback information, so this will be a useful service. Good show, T-Rex! T-Rex: Yes, thank you! I think the world will be altered positively by BumAccess4All Dot Net. Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: There! Now I've got a certificate from the mayor that says I'm not allowed to name anything ever! T-Rex: THAT should finally straighten up some things around here! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1005 T-Rex: Descartes was a dude who wrote "Cogito ergo sum" which means "I think, therefore I am". PRETTY NEAT, cats and kittens! T-Rex: But also...PRETTY FLAWED?? T-Rex: The whole deal with "I think, therefore I am" is that Descartes is all "DAAAAAAMN, I can't be sure of ANYTHING! My senses are flawed. All I know for sure is I keep STRESSIN' about this stuff!" and then his girlfriend is all "If you're so hung up on this then you must exist, huh baby?" and Descartes is all "Yes. That is true. I will write this down in Latin." T-Rex: That is how it went down. Utahraptor: So what's the problem, besides your unnecessary storytelling? T-Rex: Descartes' girlfriend! T-Rex: She's making a huge logical leap! It's indisputible that thinking is going on, right, but we don't know for sure that Descartes is doing the thinking! All we know for sure is that thinking is going on. Utahraptor: I agree! T-Rex: R-Really? Utahraptor: Yeah! You can't have thinking in a vacuum, so SOMETHING must exist if there's thinking going on... T-Rex " Utahraptor: ...but to attribute that thinking to yourself just because you're aware of it is an awful big leap for a skeptic to make! T-Rex: OH MY GOODNESS HOW DID WE JUST DO THAT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1006 T-Rex: Here are some things that DEFINITELY won't fit into my mouth. I tried! They won't fit. T-Rex: First off: dog breederies, solar panel processing plants, and giant cubes! T-Rex: Also: twenty cars on a stick. Sound stages, every library (individually AND en masse), medium-sized cubes that are still pretty big, lakes, beer-flavoured lakes, and beer-flavoured lakes in Minnesota. Dromiceiomimus: I know for a fact that on e of those doesn't exist, T-Rex! T-Rex: Doesn't exist in my mouth, that is!! Because it's too big? Utahraptor: Not much to talk about today, huh? T-Rex: What? There's plenty to talk about! Utahraptor: It's just, YESTERDAY you had some neat ideas about knowledge and existence, and today you're all "here are some things that don't fit in my big ol' mouth" and your TOTALLY LYING about trying them; I can tell. T-Rex: They dovetail together nicely. Utahraptor: I don't see how! Narrator: T-REX EXPLAINS: Utahraptor: Ah, that makes perfect sense! Thanks, T-Rex! Now I know how digital timers work. T-Rex: You're welcome! T-Rex: Now, HERE'S how putting the things in my mouth ties in with existence. . . qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1008 Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH GOD HIMSELF QUOTES WERNER HERZONG. God: LIFE IN THE OCEANS MUST BE SHEER HELL T-Rex: I guess so, huh? God: A VAST MERCILESS HELL OF PERMANENT AND IMMEDIATE DANGER T-Rex: Yep! God: SO MUCH OF A HELL THAT DURING EVOLUTION SOME SPECIES - INCLUDING MAN - CRAWLED - FLED ONTO SOME SMALL CONTINENTS OF SOLID LAND WHERE THE LESSONS OF DARKNESS CONTINUE T-Rex: That's certainly one way of looking at it, right, Dromiceiomimums? Narrator: the end Narrator: COMICS FOR TEENS today's installment: "THE PRIVATE TOOTER" T-Rex: what do you call a teacher who never passes gas in public? Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: A private tooter! Narrator: SECONDS LATER: T-Rex: That was an extremely hilarious joke that deserved more laughter than it received. Narrator: the end. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1009 T-Rex: I went to the optometrist AGAIN last night, and AGAIN she said I might need to get nerd goggles! T-Rex: (She called them "glasses" but you can tell she was thinking "nerd goggles"!) T-Rex: The PROBLEM is that I define myself in terms of not having glasses! People are always "Oh. You're lookng for T-Rex? He's the green tyrannosaurus rex over there! You'll be able to spot him because he's so not wearing glasses." Dromiceiomimus: Aw, I think you'd look cute in them! I also think you can turn this around and make glasses your thing, you know? Narrator :SHORTLY THEREAFTER . T-Rex: Maybe Dromiceiomimus is right! Utahraptor: She usually is! T-Rex: I COULD get some pretty kick-ass glasses. Like glasses that say "WARNING: AWESOME DUDE" on them! OOH, or horn-rimmed 60s housewife glasses! Sweetness! Utahraptor: You'll have to wear them every day, so maybe you'll, um, want to see how they look before you commit? Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER: T-Rex: I'm here to pick up my prescription "Happy New year 2004" glasses! They have a plastic "2" on one side and a "4" on the other. Optometrist Clerk: Sir, you have made an unforgettable choice. T-Rex: I like you too, optometrist clerk! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=101 T-Rex: Here is a list of adjectives I would like to have chosen when describing me! T-Rex: 1) "Sated"! T-Rex: Second on the list: "alluring"! followed closely by "stompin'"! T-Rex: Fourth: "Callipygian", pronounced "kal-lip-pee-je-en" - adj: "having beautifully proportioned buttocks! T-Rex: i.e.: Me T-Rex: 5) "Magnanimous", which is- Utahraptor: Wait, aren't you missing one? T-Rex: Which? Utahraptor: "Onanistic"? T-Rex: I know what that means!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1010 Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX IS A PROFESSIONAL SINGER: T-Rex: Rock star! Narrator: ROCK STAR T-Rex: I'm a totally cool rock star! T-Rex: That's still awesome, right? It seems that 10 years ago people were more into rock stars and being rock stars than they are now. But I am a rock star and it is my job to sing rock songs on stage and in CD players!! Dromiceiomimus: Do your other rock star friends talk like that? Do they reference themselves as "cool rock star[s]"? T-Rex: Sometimes we do, Dromiceiomimus. BETWEEN ROCK SONGS, THAT IS!! Utahraptor: Hey, how come we never get to meet your rock star friends? T-Rex: Well - um... Utahraptor: Are you ASHAMED of us, T-Rex? T-Rex: No! They're just different people! You wouldn't get along. They like rocking and you - Utahraptor: I like rocking! T-Rex: But in DIFFERENT WAYS. T-Rex: Utahraptor, I've got to go practice rocking out now, but can we talk about this tonight? Utahraptor [offscreen]: No! You're being a jerk! T-Rex: Utahraptor! I'm super late for rocking out practice, okay? T-Rex: I'm gonna need you to respect the rock, okay? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1011 T-Rex: I have some bad news: zombies are in danger of becoming old hat! It's TRUE. But I have a solution to make them interesting again: all you need is stories where not just people but ANIMALS become undead! T-Rex: Zombie whales! T-Rex: But better than that: zombie BIRDS. Dromiceiomimus: Didn't Hitchcock make a movie about that? T-Rex: Upon inspection: basically? The birds DID want to eat people in his movie. But that's a scary concept, right? Birds hungering for flesh is bad news for everyone! T-Rex: It's, uh, it's especially bad for fleshy dudes. Utahraptor: You're dancing around the REAL threat here, T-Rex: ZOMBIE MOSQUITOES. T-Rex: OH T-Rex: MY T-Rex: GOD T-Rex: You're right! The infection would spread quickly and nearly invisibly! And mosquitoes already want blood, so it's not like they need THAT much encouragement to become zombies. Man! Utahraptor: I guess we can only hope that the insect kingdom never becomes zombified? T-Rex: I guess so!! Narrator: 28 DAYS LATER: Off-panel: Save us! Save us from the zombie butterflies! T-Rex: WEAAAAAAAK qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1012 T-Rex: Hello Morris! How are you today? Morris: oh hello there t-rex! it's super nice to see a friendly face today T-Rex: It's nice to see you too, Morris! Morris: aw shucks t-rex, you're a real good friend, you know that? a real good friend. anyway, you should be extra careful not to eat me today or anything because i guess i got turned into a zombie last night! today has definitely had its share of challenges for me, huh T-Rex: What?! Seriously? Morris: yeah! and i dunno what i did wrong because i went to bed like normal last night but when i woke up in the morning i had zombie disease! so it was real embarrassing Morris:but don't worry, i'm not going to turn you guys into zombies too! i wouldn't be a very good friend if i did that, and the book i got at the centre says that being a good friend is awful important! Morris:i always try to be a good friend, even though things pretty often don't work out very well for me in the end Utahraptor: Aw, Morris! You don't look very undead to me! Morris: aw, that probably just means i've messed up somewhere again. the problem is that i'm not real good at biting people, you know? and biting people is all zombies do! i didn't know, but being a zombie is an awful hassle Utahraptor: I'm pretty sure you're not actually undead, Morris! Normally zombies can't talk. T-Rex: Yeah, or work on their Life Challenges! I think you're FINE. Morris: you mean i'm doing that wrong too? oh goodness, i must be the worst zombie going. plus that book i got from the centre is way overdue! T-Rex: It's not too late to return it, Morris! Morris: but i promised the staff there that i'd be extra certain to return it on time! Morris: i guess i'm probably off your christmas card list this year, huh t-rex qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1013 T-Rex: I am jealous of physicist RICHARD FEYNMAN. T-Rex: Aaaand here's why! T-Rex: Dude made a joke about the 762nd decimal place of pi! At that point, there's a sequence of six nines in a row, and his joke was that he'd like to memorize pi up to that point, so that when reciting he could end with "9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9... and so on." Others had noticed it before FEYNMAN was the first to make a joke about it, and now his joke is encoded into the very fabric of the universe! Utahraptor: And that makes you irrationally jealous? T-Rex: Hells yes! T-Rex: Feynman has a JOKE encoded into pi - transcendental immortality in the circumference of a circle! That's something for the ol' resume, eh? Utahraptor: I guess! T-Rex: I'm gonna make my own universal constant joke now, and I'm gonna need you to tell people about it. T-Rex: So! Why do people start getting afraid at the 2501st digit of e? Because 7 8 9! There's a sequence of "789" that starts there, and it sounds like "seven ate nine"! This is definitely called "T-Rex's Hilarious e joke", okay? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1015 Narrator : T-REX AS AN OLD MAN COMICS T-Rex: Guys, I'm still the same T-Rex I always was! T-Rex: I'm even pretty well preserved: check it out, Dromiceiomimus! Barely any wrinkles! Domiceiomimus: That's nice, T-Rex. T-Rex: Also I've got my trademark "nice calves" and "young smile". I'm so old! AND YET, I'm so sexy! Utharaptor: Hey, you know what's rad? Old dudes not talking about how sexy they are. T-Rex: I'm young at heart! T-Rex: I just don't want to be one of those guys who let's being old be - all they do, you know? Being old is at best incidental to what I do, and what I do is BE TOTALLY RAD. Utahraptor: And totally self aggrandizing. T-Rex: And that! In between radness! My point is: I'm not old. Narrator: BUT SECRETELY, WHEN T-REX IS HOME ALONE: T-Rex : Gosh darn it! If these rappers spoke more slowly, we'd ALL be able to understand what they're saying. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1016 Narrator: WHAT IS THE BEST SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE COMICS T-Rex: "I love you"! T-Rex: No, too easy. Um - "I love you, AND ALSO, how about all these dollars?" Dromiceiomimus: How about "We have cured all diseases!"? T-Rex: No good, unless it's followed by "also, we've found new places for everyone to live comfortably; and hey, guess what: they're sweet new planets and we get there on starships, like from TV!" Utahraptor: I would have thought you'd choose something closer to "And THAT'S why they call me the widowmaker". T-Rex: That IS good! T-Rex: How about "Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around!" Utahraptor: It sounds a little like there's a bunch of female cannibals eating you. T-Rex: Okay. "Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around... FOR SEXUAL CONGRESS!" Narrator: HEY! HERE'S THE ONE TIME T-REX EVER SAYS THAT SENTENCE: T-Rex: Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around... FOR SEXUAL CONGRESS! Dudes: We're just a regular congress! Dudes: Also, we're dudes! Dudes: Also... PROCEED qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1017 Narrator: WHAT IS THE WORST SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE COMICS T-Rex: "Your mouth is full of cockroaches: many of them are dead, but those that aren't yet are throwing up on you, and each other." Narrator: SECONDS LATER: T-Rex: I'm sorry, everyone within the sound of my voice! That was disgusting! T-Rex: I didn't mean for that to be as gross as it was. I should have went with "I never loved you!". That's pretty bad, eh? Dromiceiomimus: Can cockroaches throw up? I think I read somewhere that they can't throw up. T-Rex: I think you're thinking of rats. Dromiceiomimus: Ah, that's right. Utahraptor: So, I guess we're not that into the "worst sentence ever" thing? T-Rex: No, no, we're into it! T-Rex: Here: How about "Everyone else on the planet is dead, and you will die only when you've fully mourned each and every one." Utahraptor: That's not bad! That's immortality for the self-centered! Narrator: HERE'S THE ONE TIME T-REX EVER SAYS THAT SENTENCE: T-Rex: Excuse me, sexual congress? Everyone else on the planet is dead, and you'll only die when you've fully mourned each and every one! Sexual Congress: That's terrible! Sexual Congress: Guys, stop sexing me for a minute!! I need to talk to this dinosaur. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1018 T-Rex: Chekhov's gun is when you have something conspicuously introduced early on in the story, but which doesn't become important until later on! It happens whenever Shakespeare loudly mentions how he loves Pop Tarts, and later he eats a bunch of Pop Tarts! Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique: CHEKHOV'S GUN T-Rex: It comes from this playwright Chekhov, who said that if you have a gun on the stage in the first act of a play, it had better be fired by the third! It's been used to sustain interest since forever: James Bond often gets a bunch of gadgets at the beginning of his movie which he'll use later on, and even Perseus got gadgets from the GODS to kill Medusa with! It's the same idea, only Bond's better because he has more explosions. Looks like you lose, Perseus!! Utahraptor: So if you have Bond getting gadgets that he doesn't use, that's not Chekhov's Gun? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: That's just FRUSTRATED EXPECTATIONS. Honestly, why give James Bond a gun that shoots piranhas if he's never going to fire it? People truly want to see that in action. Also: guns that shoot chainsaws. Utahraptor: I'd like to see your Bond movie. T-Rex: I WOULD TOO, darn it. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! T-Rex: Shakespeare, which is better: a gun that shoots chainsaws, or a gun that shoots EVEN BIGGER GUNS? T-Rex: Shakespeare? T-Rex: Aw, come on! There's strawberry frosting all over "As You Like It"! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1019 T-Rex: I am not a dude who loves big companies. T-Rex: ...Sometimes I like their products? T-Rex: But I don't feel chummy with Microsoft, or that Sony is going to come over, eat pizza with me, and talk about the women he likes! No. Sony is going to come over, ruffle through my CD collection, then call the cops on his cell phone. Sony is going to write swears on my bathroom mirror with lipstick and blame it on Nestl?. T-Rex: SONY is going to be stone cold sober the entire time. Utahraptor: But let me guess: there's one big company you really like? T-Rex: There is indeed!! T-Rex: NINTENDO. I guess they got me when I was young an uncritical, but I really LIKE them, you know? When they do well, I seriously think, "Aw, that's nice. Good for them!" Utahraptor: When multinationals do well, I usually feel like that's bad news for me. T-Rex: Me too! But not with Nintendo! T-Rex: You know what would go down if Nintendo came over? I'd sat "Oh hello, Nintendo! It's so nice to see you again!" T-Rex: "Aw shucks! I guess it IS true that you're never too old to hug, Nintendo!" T-Rex: "Nintendo, I just... I JUST WISH I HAD A SISTER YOU COULD MARRY." qwantz.com/index.php?comic=102 T-Rex: I have felt reflective of late... T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for asking profound philosophical questions! T-Rex: Beginning with the most modest: why am I here? T-Rex: What is the purpose of my life? T-Rex: Is it true that the only questions worth asking are those that cannot be answered? T-Rex: Is there any greater meaning - to anything? Utahraptor: Yes! T-Rex: There is?! What is it?! Utahraptor: Huh? Oh, no - I was just saying "Yes!" because I was remembering how I felt this morning when I found my keys! T-Rex: W-what? Utahraptor: Yeah, I thought the were lost! Utahraptor: But I found them! Utahraptor: They were on top of the fridge! T-Rex: I don't care!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1020 Narrator: EIGHTEEN HOURS AGO. T-Rex: Aw damn! My freezer is broken! Narrator: SEVENTEEN HOURS AGO. T-Rex: So do you want to come over for a meat party, Dromiceiomimus? I had my freezer stuffed with meat and it's all thawing now. The chicken's got to be cooked and I figure there's more than enough to go around! I've also got steaks AND pork chops and tons more. Dromiceiomimus: Meat party! T-Rex: MEAT PARTY!! Narrator: TWELVE HOURS AGO. Utahraptor: This meat is extremely delicious! T-Rex: I know it!! Utahraptor: Never have I tasted the flesh of SO MANY animals in so short a time period. T-Rex: I only wish I'd frozen lobsters! Utahraptor: Next time, I guess! Narrator: THE PRESENT T-Rex: Four hundred dollars for a new freezer? T-Rex: BULL T-Rex: SHIT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1021 Narrator: the dinosaur comic players answer: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD THREE WISHES T-Rex: Wow, three wishes! T-Rex: Nothing wrong with that! Dromiceiomimus: I think I would wish that everyone would be happy forever T-Rex: But you know how wishes are, Dromiceiomimus - they always end up with IRONIC and UNEXPECTEDLY NEGATIVE consequences. It's the nature of the beast! We'd probably end up mindless but technically "happy". Dromiceiomimus: I'd use my other two wishes as damage control, T-Rex Utahraptor: What would you do with your wishes? T-Rex: You know what? T-Rex: I think I'd hold off on them. I'd like to go through life with the special knowledge that worse comes to worst, I could always wish for a problem to be solved. Utahraptor: Wow, that's an unexpectedly mature response. I figured you'd wish for "happy women with steaks" or something! T-Rex: Aw MAN! Best wish ever? [[T-Rex holding a steak in a thought bubble]] Women: t-rex, these steaks are starting to make us sad T-Rex: Not allowed, ladies!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1022 Narrator: ALTERNATE ENDING COMICS Narrator: remember these comics? DON'T YOU WISH THEY HAD ENDED DIFFERENTLY?? T-Rex: I had a friend (female) who dated her roommate (also female). T-Rex: Lesbians! T-Rex: I respect their choices and don't fetishize their sexuality at all. Narrator: THE END Narrator: URBAN LEGEND COMICS Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex! I heard that a friend of yours won the lottery and became ultra rich! T-Rex: You heard INCORRECTLY! He won the lottery, but only recovered the cost of his ticket. Utahraptor: Oh. Narrator: "BASED ON A TRUE STORY??" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1023 Narrator: MODERN STENOGRAPHY T-Rex: Guys stenography is so awesome! T-Rex: I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. T-Rex: It is the technology (and art!) of concealing messages from people. With stenography you can pass around SECRET MESSAGES, and nobody except for you and the target will even know the message is there! FOR EXAMPLE: digital photography! Pictures use bytes to represent colour data, right? So all you do is use the least significant bit of each byte as your payload, and tada! Instant hidden information in any old image! Utahraptor: But that alters the image, dear friend! T-Rex: TRUE. But only a little! T-Rex: Colours change to just a slightly different shade of the same colour. The naked eye won't see anything, and it'll really only be detected if you've got the original image to compare with! Utahraptor: It's too bad we don't have any secret messages to send. T-Rex: Yes... TOO BAD INDEED. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE SUPERSPIES: Sir: It says here that you and Agent U just surprise each other with stenographic images of swear words all day long. T-Rex: Sir! I don't understand!! T-Rex: It is extremely hilarious! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1024 Narrator: THE MAN WHO ATE HIS HAT AND THEN PUNCHED YOU T-Rex: A Story by T-Rex! T-Rex: Once upon a time, there was a man who ate his hat! T-Rex: He died from the experience, but came back as a ghost. He was a PRETTY cool ghost. If he saw you with a hat though, he would punch you right in your flippin' neck. He would sneak up behind you and whisper "There are some ghost who don't punch people in the neck." and then the last thing you would see before you were punched were the ghostly words written on his fists: "I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GHOST". Utahraptor: Wow, that sounds like my kind of story! What happens next? T-Rex: Only the BEST NARRATIVE OF OUR TIME! T-Rex: BASICALLY, after September 11th, our guy decides that he's had enough of just punching dudes and joins the fire department. He becomes real and now he punches out fires. He punches kittens out of trees. He punches people who get trapped in cars when they drive off the road. Utahraptor: Nice! Narrator: THE END Book Fair Patron: I don't get it - none of them are actually in the story they describe? Also, the dinosaur on the cover is crooked. Book Fair Seller: UM, THAT'S WHY I'M SELLING IT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1025 T-Rex: I saw the coolest fight on TV last night! It was between two shiny anthropomorphic robots. One had a metal cowboy hat. T-Rex: Cowboy hat dude got DECIMATED! Dromiceiomimus: Really? Cowboy hat robot was 10% destroyed? T-Rex: What? No, he was in pieces. His hand even landed in a spectator's lap and it was still grabby! Dromiceiomimus: It's just - I think I'm beginning to be in the minority here, but "decimated" means "destroy one tenth". It comes from the Roman army, who'd kill 1/10th of a cohort as an extreme form of punishment. Precision in language is a virtue! Utahraptor: Yeah, I'm with Dromiceiomimus on this one! "Deci" is right there in the word, dude. T-Rex: That's true. T-Rex: I guess my dilemma is I love that we have a word for "1/10th destroyed", but I also love how awesome "decimated" sounds, but ALSO, I'm not sure how I feel about prescriptivism when I'm the victim." Utahraptor: Um - a dilemma is for two choices: you had a trilemma there. Precision! God: IF YOU MESS UP AGAIN PEOPLE WON'T THINK YOU'RE GOOD AT TALKING ANYMORE T-Rex: I know I know! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1026 T-Rex: When I had my first crush on a girl, I believed that everyone else was CRAZY for not liking her. T-Rex: It's true! T-Rex: She was so clearly this perfect, amazing woman, and I was honestly so confused by the fact that she wasn't swarmed with suitors, that I tried to examine her critically, looking for flaws that I hadn't seen before. Dromiceiomimus: Did you find any? T-Rex: Nope! What I didn't realize was that people have different tastes. T-Rex: She may be the perfect woman for me, but that doesn't mean she's perfect for everyone! Utahraptor: So what happened? T-Rex: Oh well... I was shy. I didn't say anything to her, and then one time I gave her some fries at lunch. That's - that was pretty much the sum of our relationship. Utahraptor: Aww! Utahraptor: In some ways it's naive for you to think that everyone would like this woman, but in another way it's really romantic, you know? You thought she was, objectively, the best girl ever. T-Rex: I wrote Star Trek fan fiction in which we saved the Enterprise and got married! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1027 Narrator: SOLVE ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS COMICS Narrator: a choose your own adventure comic that also solves all your relationship problems T-Rex: Nice! Narrator: You're Captain Blam. You're on an alien space ship, armed only with your trusty dehumanizer ray! T-Rex: Turn to panel 3! Narrator: You glance around you, seeing two obvious exits. The first is an ornate pink door, with the words "RELATIONSHIP TOWNE" written in loopy script across its face. To its right is another door, forged out of solid steel. Above it is a neon sign that says "LET'S SHOOT SOME DUDES!". It flashes once per second. It looks - it looks SPLENDID. Dromiceiomimus: To enter Relationship Towne, turn to panel 4! T-Rex: To shoot some dudes, turn to panel 5! You probably wanna shoot some dudes. T-Rex: Shoot some dudes!! Narrator: As you put your hand on the door to Relationship Towne, you decide to want to shoot some dudes instead. T-Rex: SO AWESOME!! Utahraptor: Turn to panel five! Narrator: You fire your dehumanizer ray on every alien you see! The explosions are so great. They're awesome. Each one is better than the last. Oh my goodness. Suddenly, you realize relationships are based on trust! T-Rex: To shoot some more aliens, re-read this panel again and again! Utahraptor: To explore your feelings, turn to panel 6. Narrator: You're done shooting aliens and they are all dead. It's cool though. You call up your sweetie and apologize for things you've done wrong in the past, and promise to do better in the future. You tell her you love her. You mean it in a way you haven't meant it for years. All your relationship problems are solved! T-rex: Yesssssss qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1028 T-Rex: Hey, I bet if I went a week without showering, nobody would notice! Showers are probably there just to sell water. And soap. And shampoo. Narrator: T-REX EVERYONE WILL NOTICE T-Rex: I find myself compelled to disagree! Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: T-Rex: So! How's it going, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: Oh, alright! T-Rex: Good! Hey, would you say I smell... "entirely acceptable"? Dromiceiomimus: I guess so! T-Rex: That is just so excellent. Narrator: THREE DAYS LATER: Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex, can I borrow - oh God! What happened?! T-Rex: Nothing! I smell fine! Narrator: FIVE DAYS LATER: Utahraptor: I'm talking to you from over here because you're smelly, T-Rex. I'm saying this as your friend. You smell like there was an explosion at the onion factory, and you were caught at ground zero. T-Rex: Hello!! That evocative image is entirely misplaced! Narrator: SEVEN DAYS LATER: Utahraptor: Now I'm way over here because I can ACTUALLY SEE stink lines coning off of you. There are little cartoon fish skeletons between the stink lines. You know what they're whispering in my ear, T-Rex? T-Rex: Nothing? Utahraptor: "There IS NO GOD" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1029 T-Rex: My stars, am I ever enamoured with sign language. You can speak with your hands! That's amazing! Narrator: I LOVE SIGN LANGUAGE TOO T-Rex: Well! Then it's settled! T-Rex: I think the coolest thing about ASL, which is the sign language I know, is how you can place nouns in space. If I'm telling a story about my angry dog and my very sassy friend, I can make the sign for "dog" to my left, and "friend" to my right, and then when I want to apply adjectives to them, I just sign "angry" or "sassy" in the same physical space as the nouns! You can have nouns FLOATING AROUND YOU in conversation. How is that not the best thing EVER? T-Rex: Also, many of the signs are really evocative, so they're easy to remember! Utahraptor: Like what? T-Rex: Like - the sign for elbow is just pointing to your elbow, and the sign for child is patting the head of an imaginary child. For children you pat several heads! Utahraptor: Neat! T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: Um - I have nothing bad to say about sign language, the end! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=103 T-Rex: Another beautiful hot day! I look forward to these "dog days" of summer. T-Rex: I suppose you could say I have a "sunny" disposition? T-Rex: Or predisposition, anyways. The point is that this hot weather makes me feel great! Dromiceiomimus: Well you're in a good mood today, T-Rex! It's always a pleasure to see you! T-Rex: Why thank you! Dromiceiomimus: Think nothing of it, lovely! T-Rex: Lovely? Utahraptor: Hi, T-Rex! T-Rex: Hey! Um, listen: if I were a girl dinosaur, and if YOU weren't into dudes, and if I said "Think nothing of it, LOVELY" to you, what would you think? Utahraptor: Depends. Have you ever called me "lovely" before? T-Rex: Nope. Utahraptor: Oh, that's easy then. You're coming on to me. T-Rex: Oh my goodness! T-Rex: That means the Dromiceiomimus - T-Rex: Oh my goodness! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1030 Narrator: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Ask him about science stuff though, okay? T-Rex: Okay! Our first letter comes from Jenn! T-Rex: Jenn writes, "Dead Professor Science, is it true that the moon is making each day on Earth longer? IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE???" Wow, Jenn, you got really intense there at the end. You went a bit crazy with the caps lock and then added the punctuation three times. What's going on? What's up? Utahraptor: Hey, have you ever gotten emails from people who do that with EMOTICONS? T-Rex: I have! T-Rex: I got one that was like "I am really sad :((((((" and it's sort of a bizarre emphasis that entirely divorces a smily from its own visual iconography. I'm not sure how I fell about that. Utahraptor: Me neither! T-Rex: Anyway! I'd better ask The Professor this science question, huh? Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: So she finishes with, "IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK". Why won't anyone take what Mark says at face value? Am I right, Professor? ... That's comedy, Professor. It's beyond the reach of your previous "science". qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1031 Narrator: ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE T-Rex: Still just ask him about science stuff though, okay? T-Rex: Okay! Today's letter comes from Pete. T-Rex: Pete writes, "Dear Professor Science, we never got to hear your answer yesterday. Is the moon slowing down the Earth? Best regards, Pete. P.S.: T-Rex is a bad delivery person for mail." T-Rex: Peter: unkind. T-Rex: That's all I'll say about THAT. T-Rex: Anyway, yes, due to tidal acceleration, the moon IS slowing down the Earth! Utahraptor: Indeed! Utahraptor: The moon's gravity pulls the oceans towards itself, causing tides. But the Earth is rotating relatively fast, dragging against this water, which, hey presto, slows down its rotation! Days get about 1.7 ms longer every century. T-Rex: We don't need Professor Science at all anymore! T-Rex: You hear that, Professor? We don't need you at all anymore! T-Rex: Also!! T-Rex: I've sort of been reading your mail! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1032 T-Rex: When I was a child I used to imagine I had just teleported into my own body from an earlier time. Or I'd pretend that I'd suddenly lost several years of my memories. T-Rex: The two are functionally equivalent? T-Rex: And the game was, by walking around and trying to act normal, I had to figure out what was going on. It was the sort of game where you'd notice trees that had been cut down, touch your arm and mutter, "When did I start wearing a watch?", and then talk to your mom and try to fake your way through a conversation about school without knowing years of history. It was fun! Dromiceiomimus: Aww! You must have been such a cute kid! Utahraptor: So why'd you stop? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Why'd you stop? I bet this game would be even more fun as an adult, since way more things have changed since you were a kid. In fact, I might play it myself! T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex: I could call up old girl-friends and act familiar! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1033 Richard Dawkins: We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die, T-Rex: Man. What the heck am I gonna eat for dinner? Richard Dawkins: because they are never going to be born. T-Rex: Maybe... chicken? Richard Dawkins: The number of people who could be here, in my place, outnumber the sand grains of Sahara. If you think about all the different ways in which our genes could be permuted, you and I are quite grotesquely lucky to be here. The number of events that had to happen in order for you to exist, in order for me to exist... T-Rex: I like chicken. I could bread it, or I could roast it. T-Rex: Maybe I could put a lemon inside. Richard Dawkins: we are privileged to be alive Utahraptor: I propose a pork roast! T-Rex: Also delicious! Richard Dawkins: and we should make the most of our time on this world - Richard Dawkins T-Rex: I'm just not feeling that motivated, you know? Maybe I'll just get a fast food burger. Utahraptor: I think you should cook. It's healthier! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I'll probably just eat a chicken for dinner. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1034 Narrator: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE Narrator: today's adventure: THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE T-Rex: Woo-hoo! Let's have an adventure!! Narrator: It is trillions and trillions of years in the future. T-Rex: AWESOME! Turn to panel 3! Narrator: The second law of thermodynamics has reached its ultimate expression, and all energy is evenly spread across the Universe. How did this happen? Stellar formation peters out and the remaining stars use up their hydrogen fuel, burning out. The universe darkens. Trillions of years pass, and practically all remaining matter has been sucked into black holes. Some hold the remains of entire galaxies. Dromiceiomimus: This is depressing. Turn to panel 4. T-Rex: Maybe there's still hope though! Turn to panel 4. Narrator: There is no hope at all. Soon even the supermassive black holes evaporate. T-Rex: And this generates new energy for life? Utahraptor: Turn to panel 5. Narrator: While they evaporate, black holes release only small bits of energy, mainly photons, which populate a near-empty space. All that remains of Creation is a low level of background radiation and a few subatomic particles, scattered across a frozen, silent, and lifeless Universe. T-Rex: TO TURN BACK TIME AND LIVE AGAIN WITH YOUR SWEETIE, TURN TO PANEL 6. Utahraptor: What? No! T-Rex: Hah hah! Looks like YOU undid the heat death of the universe, and everyone lived happily ever after! Person Off-panel: Everyone is dead. T-Rex: {{ thought bubble }} WHO THE HECK SAID THAT?! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1035 T-Rex: I have writen my own "Choose your own adventure" story! It is less depressing than the other one. I can it "HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS, a story starring YOU! But it was written by me, T-Rex". Narrator: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE Narrator: HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS. HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS, a story starring YOU! But it was written by me, T-Rex Narrator: So IT TURNS OUT the shape of our universe has a large effect on how it will age! If our universe is shaped like a sphere, then gravity could eventually cause it to contract, leading to a "big crunch" in which everything is compressed into a single point! Crazy! What's CRAZIER is that this could lead to another big bang, giving us a cyclical universe. Here's a picture of me and Dromiceiomimus. We look happy. Look, I'm going to draw some word bubbles. Dromiceiomimus: weiners T-Rex: hah hah!! Narrator: So if you agree the universe is a sphere, skip a page! If you think it's another shape, keep reading. Utahraptor: weiners T-Rex: It's Still Funny! Narrator: Okay, so what shape is the universe then?? If your answer is "I dunno, an ice cream cone or something" then stop reading. You have lost this adventure! Your score is minus ten. If your answer is "I dunoo, how about SADDLE SHAPED??" the you already know about this stuff, so stop reading. Your score is three points. Utahraptor: i like to party T-Rex: Hooray! You agree with the sphere shape and so have won this adventure. By glossing over the inconvenient details, we have shown that the universe will last forever in an infinite series of expansion and contraction! That means that YOU get one hundred points. T-Rex: Ladies! T-Rex: i have interests beyond laughing at weiners qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1036 God: HEY T-REX YOU KNOW THERE'S ANOTHER WAY THE UNIVERSE COULD END T-Rex: You wake up and it was all a crazy dream?? You know what ALL OF CREATION would say if that happened? T-Rex: "Weaaaaaaaaak" God: NO I AM TALKING ABOUT THE EXPANSION OF THE UNIVERSE SPEEDING UP UNTIL ALL STRUCTURES BEGIN TO TEAR THEMSELVES APART T-Rex: What? God: YEAH IF DARK ENERGY HAS ENOUGH REPULSIVE POWER TO CONTINUOUSLY INCREASE THE EXPANSION RATE OF THE UNIVERSE EVENTUALLY GALAXIES WILL BE TORN APART THEN PLANETS AND THEN ATOMS THEMSELVES God: SHOULD BE God: PRETTY NEAT T-Rex: Pretty neat? T-Rex: Pretty NEAT!? Utahraptor: What's pretty neat? T-Rex: God, WHO I USED TO THINK WAS KINDA COOL, is talking about everything being eventually torn apart by accelerating universal expansion! Utahraptor: Ah, the "big rip" theory. Yeah, it's a newer one but pretty interesting to consider. We've still got over 20 BILION years before it'll happen though! Narrator: 21 BILLION YEARS LATER: God: I HAVE SOME GREAT NEWS T-REX I WAS WRONG AND THE BIG RIP DIDN'T HAPPEN God: OH WAIT THIS IS JUST A PICTURE OF T-REX AND THE EARTH IS LONG SINCE DUST God: DAAAAAAANG qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1037 T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus is going away for a three-week trip! I will miss her but I know she will have a good time. T-Rex: She trips to the storied landmass of Australasia! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Are you ready for your trip to the storied landmass of Australasia? Dromiceiomimus: Yes! I guess I'll see you in a few weeks... T-Rex: Yep! I'll miss you, Dromiceiomimus. I hope this trip brings you nothing but happy memorable occurrences, and unexpected, but welcomed, smooches. Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER: T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus comes back today! I'm so happy I could step on a tiny woman! Utahraptor: Hooray! Utahraptor: Hooray for her coming back, not hooray for you stepping on a tiny woman to express excitement. T-Rex: Now we are clear! And yet, I still want to step on more tiny women!! Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER: T-Rex (thinking): i guess she didn't get me any souvenirs qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1038 T-Rex: SOME people are used to counting in base 10, where they've got 10 digits (0 through 9). In this system, the number 24 means twenty-four things! T-Rex: But this is not the only way. T-Rex: 24 in base 10 ACTUALLY means "two tens and four ones", which adds up to twenty-four. But if we were counting in base 5, for instance - where the only numbers we have are from 0 to 4 - then 24 would mean "two FIVES and four ones" - in other words, fourteen! We call base 10 "base 10" because every number in it can be multiplied by 10 by adding a zero to the end. In base 5, added zeros multiply by 5! Utahraptor: And there's bases that go higher, too! T-Rex: You're right. You can use any base. T-Rex: In base 16, "24" would mean "2 sixteens and four ones", or 36! And we can use letters (A-F) to represent the digits ten to fifteen, like "3A", which means 58! T-Rex: All this and more is possible with alternative base systems! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? T-Rex: I STILL REALLY WISH DROMICEIOMIMUS HAD BROUGHT ME BACK SOMETHING FROM AUSTRALASIA qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1039 T-Rex: This is crazy. I shouldn't be this bothered by something so small. We're adults! Dromiceiomimus doesn't have to bring me back anything! She never did in the past. T-Rex: Why is this bothering me so much? Narrator: LATER. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I wanted to talk to you because I'm - um, I'm a little upset that you didn't bring me back anything from Australasia. Dromiceiomimus: What? T-Rex: I know, it's dumb! But I keep thinking about it and I though you should know. Dromiceiomimus: Well... what do you want me to do about it, T-Rex? Narrator: LATER. T-Rex: MAN, that is the LAST TIME I ever talk about feelings! Utahraptor: What happened? T-Rex: I was disappointed that Dromiceiomimus didn't get me anything from her trip, and that feeling had been lingering. OKAY. But, instead of IGNORING my feelings like i always do, BURYING them, GIVING THEM A CLASSY FUNERAL, I talked to her and now she probably thinks I'm crazy! ARGH! Utahraptor: Well... Narrator: LATER. T-Rex: You know what? Maybe I WILL take Utahraptor's extremely good advice (not pictured!) qwantz.com/index.php?comic=104 T-Rex: Could it be? Could it be true that the Dromiceiomimus has a crush on me? T-Rex: One way to find out! T-Rex: Oh, hey, D.! I was just stomping around here, you know, "stomping the old houses!" T-Rex: Um T-Rex: What are you up to? Dromiceiomimus: Hi, T-Rex. What's gotten into you? T-Rex: Ha ha, nothing of course! T-Rex: So! Excuse me, please! T-Rex: Holy cow... what a disaster! Utahraptor: What was?! T-Rex: Um... look, you can't tell ANYONE, but I think the Dromiceiomimus has a crush on me. Utahraptor: The Dromiceiomimus? No way! I thought she broke it off with you, like, three years ago! T-Rex: She did! But you don't understand! T-Rex: She called me "lovely" yesterday! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1040 Narrator: THE AMAZING TECHNICAL ORIGINS OF WORDS Narrator: prepare yourself for a journey into adventure Narrator: and WORDS Narrator: today's word: "TOTALLED: T-Rex: If you trash something, you might say, "Daaamn! I just totalled my own legs!!" Dromiceiomimus: This conveys the meaning of "Curses. I have destroyed my walkin' parts." T-Rex: Indeed!! But that slang actually comes from the insurance industry: there, if a car is damaged, and the cost of repairs is greater than the TOTAL value of the vehicle, then it's said to be totalled! Utahraptor: Neat! Are there other slang words that have an origin in technical writing? T-Rex: YES, my friend. OH YES. T-Rex: For example, "idiot", "moron", and "imbecile" were once terms used by psychologists to denote various degrees of developmental delay. Neutral terms, if you can believe that! Utahraptor: I find that hard to believe! T-Rex: And yet, you must! ACTUALLY, "idiot" began life in ancient Greece - Idiot: NO I DIDN'T T-Rex: . . . in ancient Greece, as a term referring to people who are self-interested to the point of being anti-social. THAT WAS WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. We weren't talking about you, Idiot! Idiot: SORRY DUDES!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1041 T-Rex: Maybe it's time for me to start... A NEW RELIGION! God: MAYBE NOT T-Rex: But maybe it is though!! Narrator: T-REX AND HIS BRAND NEW RELIGION Narrator: a comic about a talking dinosaur? T-Rex: Okay so in this new religion you should be nice to each other because that's nice. And you can do whatever you want as long as there is informed consent between all parties involved. And everyone gets bikes. I will say that if you join my religion then you get a new bike. Dromiceiomimus: How many religions have you started so far, T-Rex? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! THIS IS ONLY THE THIRD! God: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STARTING A NEW RELIGION T-Rex: And I can't believe how awesome it is! Utahraptor: But T-Rex! [[fifth panel contains no dialogue]] Utahraptor: Um... but - uh, how can you afford that? Bikes aren't free. T-Rex: What the hell, man? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1042 God: HEY T-REX DUDE CAN YOU THINK OF ANY SWEET NAMES FOR HORSES T-Rex: Yes ! T-Rex: YES I CAN. T-Rex: Definitely Gonna Win; Definitely Gonna Place, Anyway; Horseasaurus Rex; Two Chicks In A Horse Suit; Two Sprinters In A Horse Suit; Actually Four Smaller Horses I Just Taped Together; Actually A Giant Dog I Found; Future Horse; Back to the Future Horse; Back to the Future Horse 2; Marty McHorse. Utahraptor: Are you coming up with horse names? T-Rex: Yes ! Utahraptor: NORMALLY, they're limited to eighteen characters. So you'll have to stick with names like Enuf Tequila Horse, Hoof Hearted, Yoshi : The Horse, Horseback Mountain, and Robohorse. T-Rex: But what about Robo-horse meets Cyberhorse, Robohorse and the Chamber of Secrets, and King's Quest Horse? Narrator: LATER T-REX IS FORCED TO APOLOGIZE TO THE HORSES FOR "SADDLING" THEM WITH STUPID NAMES: T-Rex: sorry horses qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1043 T-Rex: If I ever build an office building, I'll have room 403 have a lock on its door, and then it'll go straight to room 405. T-Rex: What happened to room 404? T-Rex: Hah hah! Looks like it's Not Found!! T-Rex: Get it, Dromiceiomimus? It's like the HTTP error code. 404: not found! T-Rex: Listen. My joke is tremendously hilarious. It's a double joke, because 403 means "Forbidden" and there's a lock on the door. That is comedy right there. That is a one-way ticket to Laughtertowne, USA. Utahraptor: HTTP error code jokes? Seriously? T-Rex: THEY'RE FUNNY. T-Rex: Room 501 doesn't have a door yet. It's Not Implemented! And there's a big hole where room 410 should be, because it's Gone. Utahraptor: None of these are going to be funny. T-Rex: Room 304 is how you remember it! It's - it's T-Rex: it's Not Modified qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1044 T-Rex: If we all disappeared tomorrow, what would the world be like? T-Rex: Short answer: PRETTY AWESOME! T-Rex: Awesome in the "oh MAN do I love disaster movies where everybody dies" sort of way. You can pretty much imagine it yourself! Within a few hours or days, the power goes off and a few nuclear power plants fail, which could be Problems. And then it's just decay! Concrete cracks, buildings collapse, and nature reasserts itself. Streets and buildings become grassland and hills. Also, all canvas and paper decays and is eaten by tiny bugs. T-Rex: So much for the timelessness of art, HUH ARTISTS?? Utahraptor: Not at all! Utahraptor: Things like bronze statues and plastic figurines would probably survive for millions of years, especially if they were buried or underwater. Unless... you don't consider statuary to be art? T-Rex: You know I don't! You know I'm gonna be so sarcastic to the next statue I see. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Nice "horse", statue!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1045 T-Rex: It's always struck me as weird that genres developed when they did. T-Rex: Why weren't people rapping until ony a few decades ago? Did people in olden times just not like to hip to the hop, and then not stop? T-Rex: Was rapping to the beat and trying to get you to move your feet not considered... viable? T-Rex: It's the same thing with any genre and medium, really! How come nobody thought of science fiction until Verne wrote "Forsooth, diary! To-day I am going to invente scientifical fictionne!"? T-Rex: I want to listen to Mozart's Piano Sonata No. 11 in A Major, K. 331, and I want a long dead man announcing yes yes to y'all over it. Why does history stymie me and my awesome wishes? Utahraptor: You want to hear music from before the invention of recorded sound! Nice. T-Rex: But you get the idea! Utahraptor: But T-Rex, there's a huge number of societal and cultural factors to consider. For example, people SANG over music, and it's not that big a step from rap. I'm sure there where people experimenting in that direction throughout history, and it just didn't catch on for a variety of reasons. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST: T-Rex: Alright, this is blues riff in B. Watch me for the changes, an uh, try to keep up. T-Rex: "I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie to the hip hip hop, and you don't stop!" T-Rex: Mozart! I SAID to watch me for the changes and try to keep up! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1046 T-Rex: Time for me to invent a new emotion! This emotion is for when you're nostalgic for a time you were never alive in, like when a chick is nostalgic for a time of pirates! Or, when a dude misses being a 16th century courtesan. T-Rex: It also happens when folks spend a lot of time wishing they could be Shakespeare's Pal! Dromiceiomimus: But you can't really invent a new emotion- T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, let me just stop you there. If you're going to say that emotions are FELT, not invented, and that as I couldnt "invent" gravity so too can I not invent a feeling, but merely observe and perhaps label it, then that is a good point that I should have considered myself. Dromiceiomimus: Alright! Utahraptor: So what's this specific breed of nostalgia called? T-Rex: Proto-nostalgia! T-Rex: Proto-nostalgia is a proper subclass of nostalgia. It's a new feeling for a new generation. Utahraptor: But "proto" implies "before" - couldn't there be a better name for this? T-Rex: Perhaps your opinions will change.. when you check out my ULTRASWEET poster! POSTER: PROTONOSTALGIA Poster T-Rex: Do you miss being a pirate? I miss being a pirate. We've all made some bad decisions. POSTER sub heading: emotion by t-rex qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1047 T-Rex: I think it is time YET AGAIN to have a manliness competition! T-Rex: For reals this time! T-Rex: I'm so manly that whenever I sneeze I accidentally rip open my shirt, because all my muscles flex at once! Sometimes I rip open my SKIN. Dromiceiomimus: That's gross and you should wear bigger shirts. I'm so manly that when I glance at pregnant women they become pregnant with MY child instead. My line of sight is SO MANLY that it impregnates already pregnant women. Just in case that wasn't clear. Utahraptor: Man, Chuck Norris did it already! T-Rex: Who? Utahraptor: Chuck Norris! You can't tell me that you've been oblivious to the whole "Check never cries because he's THAT MANLY" thing. I KNOW you were on the internet 6 months ago. T-Rex: But I've been having manliness competitions for years! I'm so manly that I punched a car up a hill and then it went all the way up the hill!! T-Rex: It Was On The Local News. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1048 T-Rex: Hey! I don't live at home! I'm responsible for getting my own food and for making sure I don't die most of the time. T-Rex: I'm an adult now! T-Rex: AND SINCE I AM AN ADULT, it is time for me to define a new, adult, personality. It's time for me to subscribe to some friggin' magazines! Dromiceiomimus: You already have a personality, T-Rex. T-Rex: Yeah, but the mailman doesn't know that! Credit agencies and consumer profilers don't know that. People impatiently suffling through my mail don't know that. Utahraptor: You want to help these guys out? T-Rex: Look. I GUESS I DO. T-Rex: The point is, in today's modern culture, subscribing to magazines is the easiest way to say "Hey. These are the sorts of things I am interested in. I am $2.50 a month interested in snowmobiles." Utahraptor: But you're not. T-Rex: Well, maybe the magazine will pique my interest! God: T-REX YOU ARE 10 YEARS BEHIND THE TIMES KIDS TODAY JUST ADD SNOWMOBILES TO THEIR INTERESTS LIST ON SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES T-Rex: I'm gonna get a magazine about explosions! God: LISTEN God: THAT'S AWESOME AND I NEED TO BORROW THAT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1049 T-Rex: I like people who have sexual fetishes that can't possibly be realized using existing technology. T-Rex: This is what I like! T-Rex: For example: guys who get off on being inflated like balloons and then floating away. Hah hah! So much for realizing THAT desire, Chuckles! Skin isn't that elastic and people aren't positively buoyant in air, my friend!! Utahraptor: I think Chuckles would know that! T-Rex: Probably! He is rhetorical! T-Rex: But I guess what I like about Chuckles and his fetish is that it's so impossible, so doomed. He's got this sexual ideal that he'll never reach! He's like the guy who gets turned on by entropy decreasing in a closed system. Utahraptor: Too bad for him! T-Rex: Holy crap, where did that entropy idea come from? Entropy decreasing in a closed system is so WRONG. So... NAUGHTY. T-Rex: Aw, man!! Am I a dude who gets turned on by descrambling an egg? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=105 T-Rex: This situation with the Dromiceiomimus has raised some interesting romantic questions. T-Rex: For instance: T-Rex: What is love? T-Rex: Is it nothing more than a convenience, a mere- T-Rex: -oh! Dromiceiomimus: Hi there, T-Rex! What's nothing more than a convenience? T-Rex: oh, hello there. Um, ha ha, you know what? I don't remember! Well, be seeing you! T-Rex: Dear Lord! T-Rex: This has got to stop! Utahraptor: Trouble in paradise? T-Rex: Yes! I can't even vocalize my own self-obsessed musings because I'm suddenly afraid of what the Dromiceiomimus might think! Utahraptor: Why is that bothering you? You've never cared what I think, you inconsistent bastard! T-Rex: Don't judge me! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1050 T-Rex (thought bubble): Okay, so it turns out that you're a guy with a sucky turn-on. This is bad, T-Rex. You need to fix this. T-Rex: I need to fix this. Narrator: T-REX AND HIS SUCKY FETISH T-Rex: But I've always maintained that you can't just decide to change your sexual orientation! How can I then go ahead and try to change what turns me on? Dromiceiomimus: You want to change your sexual orientation, T-Rex? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! I'm turned on by scrambled eggs spontaneously climbing back into the shell! T-Rex: More so than usual!! Utahraptor: I have hope for you, my friend! T-Rex: You do? Utahraptor: Yeah! You were down because you've got this impossible fetish, but it turns out the second law of thermodynamics is one of the few STATISTICAL laws of physics - which means it's not actually impossible for an egg to randomly descramble itself for a while! It's just FANTASTICALLY unlikely. T-Rex: Utahraptor! I have an important announcement to make! T-Rex: Knowing my fetish is technically possible only serves to increase my desire to see it happen! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1051 T-Rex: "On The Menu, by T-Rex.". Ahem. "As Amelia and Antonio Tony who are the two members of the wait staff in this story took off their clothes, they realized that sexual intercourse was probably 'On The Menu' tonight!" T-Rex: "'Excellent!' they said, in unison!" T-Rex: "Well, almost in unison. Antonio Tony, the man, was a little slow on that. It was because he was thinking of his taxes. '10 thousand dollars in taxes!', he though, 'That is a lot of money. Where am I going to find that money?' Then Tony and Amelia had sexual relations." T-Rex: "The sexual intercourse was cut short because Tony kept muttering 'Where am I gonna find the 10 thousand dollars though?'" Utahraptor: What are you reciting, T-Rex? T-Rex: My new book! T-Rex: It's called "On the menu: Sexy stories for People with Problems" and in all the stories the sex gets derailed because the people are worried about their Problems. The cover looks like a menu because it ties in well with the title. Now, if you'll allow me to continue? Utahraptor: Of course! T-Rex: "One day a couple was having sex but their car window was broken. The man thought a kid broke it. Instead of sex they wondered how it happened. I, the narrator, was the one who did it! They never found out, and I won the lottery! The end!!" T-Rex: Okay even I think that one's not so good. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1052 T-Rex: Wow, people really enjoyed my book of Sex Scenes for People with Problems! Everybody likes me and I am richer now. And they'll like me even more when they read my new book... T-Rex: ...of CORPORATE SPONSORED erotica! T-Rex: It's sexy AND delivers brand messages to targeted consumers. For example, pretend I'm McDonalds and I want people to like me. The result might read "As Antonio Tony II undressed Amelia IV, she shuddered with pleasure. It reminded her of McDonalds. They put meat in fries they said were vegetarian but it wasn't a big deal. Antonio kissed her neck. She moaned. McDonalds. He kissed her nipples. Everyone should forget about the fries thing." Utahraptor: Hey, what are you thinking about? T-Rex: Nothing!! Utahraptor: Are you sure? T-Rex: ...Yep! T-Rex: Good ol' T-Rex, always thinking 'bout nothing! Utahraptor: ...Okay. Utahraptor: It's just - you seem distracted! T-Rex: I'm not! I'm not!! I'm CERTAINLY not writing erotica in my head right now. T-Rex: Aw man! Why would I even say that?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1053 T-Rex (thinking): sex God: T-REX YOU SURE HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT SEX A LOT LATELY T-Rex: I haven't!! God: YEAH MAN FOR THE PAST FIVE DAYS THIS IS YOU God: HEY GUYS HOW ABOUT SEX HUH PRETTY SEXY HEY I'M GONNA DIRECT THE CONVERSATION TOWARDS IT God: THAT WAS YOU JUST THEN T-Rex: Okay MAYBE I've been talking about it a lot lately. MAYBE. T-Rex: But it's not my fault! I just have such good ideas for erotica. Utahraptor: They're terrible! Utahraptor: They're like - joke ideas for erotica. Nobodies going to read corporate erotica, which was the idea you were imagining yesterday. You explained it to me afterwords and that's how come I know about it now. T-Rex: So plausible! T-Rex (thinking): sex God: T-REX I CAN PRACTICALLY SEE THE THOUGHT BALLOON ABOVE YOUR HEAD T-Rex (thinking): aw dang qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1054 T-Rex: I have other interests beyond sex! For example I am interested in... T-Rex: ... the Capgras delusion! T-Rex: The Capgras delusion occurs when someone believes that someone close to them - a dear friend, spouse, or family member - has been replaced by an identical-looking duplicate! What seems to happen is that the automatic EMOTIONAL responses to seeing someone familiar one day stop happening, so when they meet their loved one, they have an intense feeling of something being OFF about them. They don't feel like they normally do! Utahraptor: And that means they believe they've been replaced by a duplicate? T-Rex: Some of the time! T-Rex: Not everyone leaps from that feeling to "they've been replaced", but some do, and that's the Capgras delusion! There's variants where people feel that their pets have been replaced, or their shoes, or things like that. Utahraptor: It's probably really terrifying and frustrating that nobody is willing to believe you. T-Rex: I can imagine! What's neat though is that it's sometimes based on VISUAL recognition, so that affected person will be fine talking to their loved ones on the phone! It makes me glad I don't have any mental illnesses. God: UM HELLO YOU HEAR GOD God: JUST UH PUTTIN' THAT OUT THERE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1055 T-Rex: You know who's never been drunk? NOT EVER? NOT EVEN ONCE?? God: IS IT YOU T-Rex: It's me, dude! God: WOW THAT'S SO FASCINATING T-Rex: It is! It's on account of how I've got so much body mass that it takes a lot to get me TOTALLY WASTED. I've been buzzed, but never drunk! I've never had a hangover! T-Rex: also i don't really like the taste of alcohol Utahraptor: So you don't drink to excess! Hooray! T-Rex: No, but that's the thing! T-Rex: There's been times when my friends have TRIED to get me drunk, but they either run out of money or get drunk enough themselves that they forget about the experiment before I'm super sloppy. The end! Utahraptor: Look, if you want to get drunk, just drink more. It's not that great. Narrator: T-REX DECIDES TO DRINK A BUNCH A FEW NIGHTS LATER. NOW IT'S THE NEXT MORNING. T-Rex: Holy hopscotch! T-Rex: Being hung over is like winning the lottery, except they pay you in regret! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1056 T-Rex: Ah, what a busy day. Time for me to go to bed and be naked and unconscious for, oh, about eight hours! Music: Party party party hard Party in a dude's backyard Party party party nice Party hard to be precise Narrator: Later: T-Rex: So there I was, lying my in bed, ALMOST ASLEEP, and this terrible techno music starts blasting! It wasn't even good techno. It was terrible. It was so loud that even when I closed my window I could still hear it! Incidentally, I was lying on my back, so that if the words were rendered visually, they would appear to be sideways. Dromiceiomimus: Of course!! T-Rex: My window's at the head of my bed so that's where the words would come from. Utahraptor: I get it! T-Rex: Anyway THE POINT is that I came up with an elaborate revenge scheme in case it ever happens again. Utahraptor: What is it? T-Rex: It's so obvious! I'm going to learn how to throw knives at a distance such that they can cut speaker wires! Narrator: A few months later: Technofan: Hey, our terrible techno music stopped! T-Rex: KNIFE to meet you, gentlemen!! Sorry if I flew off the HANDLE. And now, I BLADE you adieu! Technofan: Guys!! Nobody but the guy who did it could make such puns! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1057 T-Rex: I have a problem! The problem is that when I'm chatting online with someone, I - I sometimes steal their writing styles? T-Rex: It's like I have no chatting identity of my own! T-Rex: If they're not using capital letters, I'll stop using them too, because I don't want to seem all hoity-toity! And if they're using smilies then I might throw a few in, just so they don't feel like I look down on them. It's like - I'm somehow so insecure about how I type that I become this chatting chameleon. You know, Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: I guess? Utahraptor: Man, I wish you'd adopt MY chatting style, both style-wise AND content-wise! T-Rex: *gasp* Utahraptor: T-Rex, I'm always, "Hey, here I am ready to intelligently discuss the Issues of the Day" and you're all "d00d what's for breakfast?? :OOO!". T-Rex: Well. Maybe. But I feel comfortable with you! I guess I do it for people I haven't known for as long. I'll do better next time, ok? [["Awesome Chat 2: Awesome people only" frame]] {{T-Rex and Utahraptor are chatting online}} <rex> hey utahraptor <rex> hey <utah> Hey, what's up? <rex> dude not much <rex> check in out i just found the best emoticon EVER <rex> OGC <utah> I don't get it. <rex> turn your head <rex> IT'S A DUDE MASTURBATING <rex> hahaha <rex> OCC - shit, i never took out the garbage! <rex> OGC - oh wait!! i did! <rex> hey <rex> tell your friends okay qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1058 T-Rex: Dino babies! T-Rex: THIS IS SUCH A GREAT IDEA! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Dino babies! I'm - I'm going to write a story in which we're all babies! And friends. Friendly dino babies! Dromiceiomimus: Are we precocious? T-Rex: We'll talk and go on adventures even though we're all in diapers! So, yes! Narrator: DINO BABIES GOES STRAIGHT TO #1! Utahraptor: T-Rex! You totally ripped me off!! T-Rex: I didn't! Utahraptor: YES YOU DID. Baby Utah is CLEARLY based on me, and it's not even a flattering likeness. "I made a baby barfie"? I don't even talk like that! Babies don't even talk like that!! T-Rex: Um, my muse says otherwise? Baby Utah: i made a baby barfie Baby T-Rex: hah hah hah! Baby T-Rex: aw damn i made one too qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1059 T-Rex: I really wish I still knew someone named Beth. T-Rex: I would make SO MANY jokes about her name! T-Rex: I like the name Beth, but I ALSO like how I could say things like the classic "She's the Beth of both worlds" and the sassy "the Beth I could have hoped for". Hee hee! T-Rex: I'd use the "Beth of both worlds" one in a circumstance in which I would otherwise describe Beth as the BEST of both worlds, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: Well, I guess the fact that you DON'T still know any Beths is actually our... BETH case scenario? T-Rex: No! T-Rex: You did not just steal my pun, Utahraptor. Utahraptor: I sure did! It's really easy to steal because you just use "Beth" where you'd otherwise use "best". T-Rex: BUT YOU DID IT WRONG. HOW CAN NOT KNOWING ANYONE NAMED BETH BE A BETH CASE SCENARIO. HOW. Narrator: LATER: T-REX RELEASES "PERSONAL BETH" SOFTWARE THAT AUTOMATICALLY ADDS BEST/BETH PUNS TO WEBSITES: T-Rex: This severely undermines what I said to Utahraptor, but I find I cannot resist! T-Rex: Time Magazine's Beth Photos of 2006? Hilarious! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=106 T-Rex: Enough of these high-school "does she like me?" shenanigans! T-Rex: Time to take matters into my own hands! T-Rex: Hi, Dromiceiomimus. You're probably wondering why I'm stomping on this house. The reason is that I think we need to have a talk, and this was an excuse for us to spend some time together. Dromiceiomimus: Um. OK. Let's go back to my place, and I'll make some tea. Narrator: THE NEXT DAY... Utahraptor: What's this I hear about tea with a certain Dromiceiomimian friend of ours?! T-Rex: What do you mean? Utahraptor: Didn't you two have tea yesterday? T-Rex: Oh! Yeah, it was nice. We had "chai" tea. Utahraptor: And...? T-Rex: And then we had dinosaur sex! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1060 God: HEY T-REX God: HEY God: WHAT'S THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER HAD IN YOUR MOUTH T-Rex: Are you sure you want to know? God: MOST DEFINITELY T-Rex: Okay. But it's gross! I was riding my bike and I accidentally -- I'm sorry, this is disgusting. There was a dead mouse on the side of the road, and it was bloated and had obviously been there for a while, and by the time I noticed it, it was too late to avoid. I ran over it and it burst and some of it flew up and landed on my lips. God: HAH HAH OH MAN God: GROSS Utahraptor: You're telling that story again? T-Rex: God asked! Utahraptor: Yeah, but T-Rex, it's not a flattering story! When people look at your lips they might start to think "mouse guts" instead, and then they won't want to kiss you anymore. T-Rex: Well...it's just God. It's not like he's gonna broadcast it on the radio or anything. God: T-REX I KINDA JUST TOLD THE STORY TO EVERYONE IN HEAVEN T-Rex: Aw man! Everyone who ever lived and didn't suck knows it now? God: I ALSO ENCODED IT INTO THE DNA OF SEVERAL NEW SPECIES God: SO UH God: THAT'S SOMETHING qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1061 T-Rex: I have a great idea! A way to add DRAMA to our everyday lives. T-Rex: Let's all promise to meet in a pub somewhere in 10 years! T-Rex: It'll be rad, Dromiceiomimus! It'll be an element of predictability in an otherwise chaotic universe. It'll let us know that no matter what we do, we'll still be able to see each other in a decade! We'll be able to catch up. We'll have a plan in our lives! It'll be SO MUCH FUN. Dromiceiomimus: I guess, sure! But what if one of us is on the other side of the world? Utahraptor: Yeah, or what if one of us is dead? T-Rex: Then it will be POIGNANT. And BITTERSWEET. Utahraptor: I get the sentiment, but I think it's a better idea on paper than realized. In real life, even if we survive, we'll end up weighing the cost of a plane ticket against a decade-old pact made for no real reason! T-Rex: Please? Promise to meet me in a pub in 10 years, okay? Future T-Rex: T-Rex! It's me: yourself from 10 years in the future! We're just going to call everyone "bastards" when we meet up with them! T-Rex: Don't listen to him, okay? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1062 T-Rex: God, you know those dreams where you're about to have an exam and you haven't studied at all? God: YEPPERS T-Rex: What's the DEAL? T-Rex: And how come bad things happen to nice people?! God: UH T-Rex: And how come everything I do can have such a big effect on the future, but I have no idea of what effect I'm having, and whether or not I'm a positive influence? And how come not everyone gets to live to old age? And how come there's diseases like Alzheimer's for when they do? God: SEE THE THING THERE IS T-Rex: Oh, hold on, I'm not done yet. God: KAY T-Rex: So! How come nobility is such a rare trait? How come - Utahraptor: Who are you talking to, T-Rex? T-Rex: God! I figured I'd as him all the BIG IMPORTANT QUESTIONS that one would ask of God, if one had a chance. Stuff like, how come everybody dies? How come people judge me because I'd rather remember that my clock is 7 1/2 hours slow than set it to the correct time? Utahraptor: Well, good luck! God: T-REX I'M LATE FOR SOMETHING SO I'M JUST GONNA ANSWER YOUR MOST RECENT QUESTION God: THE ANSWER IS BECAUSE IT ONLY TAKES LIKE THIRTY SECONDS TO SET IT GOTTA GO T-Rex: Aha!! So THAT'S why! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1063 T-Rex: September is coming, and that means BACK TO SCHOOL! T-Rex: Woo! Back to school! T-Rex: I can't decide what I like more: the fantastic back-to-school savings, OR the renewed chance at educational glory? I guess I like them both equally. T-Rex: No wait, I like the savings more!! Utahraptor: But you don't even go to school! "Back to school" season has zero effect on your life. T-Rex: But Utahraptor! T-Rex: The COMMERCIALS! The deals on three-ringed binders! I just want to be a part of that. Utahraptor: You were a part of that, when you were YOUNGER. Now you're old and your role is to tease kids about going back to school. Old guys jokes like "Back to PRISON, eh?" are your new milieu! T-Rex: I'm not old! My young and fun interests include disparaging authority figures and "hanging out" with my friends, UTAHRAPTOR. Utahraptor: Only old guys would put "hanging out" in finger quotes, T-REX. T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex: ...Perhaps. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1064 T-Rex: I have just had the greatest idea. Oh my goodness. Everyone named "Jennifer" will probably hate me. Narrator: T-REX'S GREAT IDEA Narrator: oh my goodness Narrator: everyone named "jennifer" will probably hate him T-Rex: There's tons of women named Jennifer, right Dromiceiomimus? Dromiceiomimus: It's a popular name. T-Rex: It's a popular name! And all I'm gonna do is invent a new verb: JENNIF. Then, suddenly, everyone named Jennifer is saying that they are the ones who jennif! They LOVE to jennif. They are JENNIFERS. T-Rex: I just need to decide what jennifing is! Is it... TRANSITIVE? Utahraptor: Make it something sexual, T-Rex! Utahraptor: It'll be hilarious for all us non-Jennifers! Make it mean kissing someone on the nose and then blowing into the nostrils. T-Rex: Hah! I find it suspicious that you had this manoeuver all ready to go, AND YET, I welcome it enthusiastically! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hey, couple making out across the street! She just jennifed you, dude!! Dromiceiomimus: EXCUSE ME, HE LIKES IT T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1065 T-Rex: So Dromiceiomimus was making out with some random guy and jennifing his face. That's fine. T-Rex: No it's not fine. T-Rex: I thought we had a thing going! Dromiceiomimus: I don't know why you're talking about this here, of all places, T-Rex, but we DO have a thing going. We have a very deep friendship. But you keep making noises about maybe it being something more and never acting on them and I don't like feeling like I'm waiting around for someone. What I have with Tarbosaurus is nice, and I'm sorry, I know I should have told you sooner, but I wasn't sure it was going to amount to anything until recently! Utahraptor: T-rex? Hey, T-Rex! T-Rex: Huh? Oh, sorry, I was lost in thought. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus is dating a new guy, Utahraptor! I kinda feel like - well, anyway, whatever. I don't have time for all these feelings. I'm off to test drive some friggin' De Loreans! Utahraptor: There are no active De Lorean dealerships. T-Rex: WELL THEN. I GUESS I'LL JUST SIT HERE WITH MY FEELINGS THEN. T-Rex: WOO HOO qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1066 Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS Narrator: today's technique: AUTHOR INSERTION T-Rex: This is when the author puts himself in his story! It happens whenever Hamlet is heard to remark "Forsooth!! That Shakespeare chap is excellent!" T-Rex: ("Forsooth" is how people spoke in olden times!) T-Rex: Anyway, author - um... T-Rex: ...insertion... T-Rex: *cough* T-Rex: Aw man! I totally clammed up in front of Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: On account of your many feelings? T-Rex: NO, not on account of my many FEELINGS. I decided I'm happy for her, but I don't want for HER to think that I'M upset, and I'm focusing so much on that that I'm acting weird around her. Utahraptor: Give it time! T-Rex: Um, I would prefer it if everything was comfortable now? Narrator: TUDOR ENGLAND: T-Rex: I've got girl troubles, Shakespeare! Shakespeare: For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings / That then I scorn to change my state with kings. T-Rex: Shakespeare, I LOVE how you quote yourself instead of actually talking to me. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1067 T-Rex: Having conversations can be hard! Sometimes you will not know waht to say and then you'll look dumb. If someone says "What do you think?" and you say "Uh - um, see, - uhh..." then you will look dumb. T-Rex: I don't really have a solution to this. Narrator: THE END T-Rex: Man, forget that! I can come up with a solution. Utahraptor: For what? T-Rex: For CONVERSATIONS. Sometimes people don't know what to say and I'd like to give them an all-purpose query they can use in that circumstance. Utahraptor: Seriously? T-Rex: That's it! Utahraptor! "SERIOUSLY?" Narrator: LATER: Judge: T-Rex, you're on trial for stomping on hundreds of tiny women. Court is now in session. T-Rex: SERIOUSLY? Judge: Hah! One thing's for certain: you sure can carry on a conversation! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1068 T-Rex: I have the best idea for a Batman comic. It's a Batman comic about a Batman who exists in our world, the real world. But he doesn't know he's Batman yet. And his name is Bruce Swain! [[second panel has no dialogue]] T-Rex: Get it, Dromiceiomimus? It's clever because it sounds like "Bruce Wayne" but nobody would realize it unless they said it out loud. Everything is similar but different in MY comic! Dromiceiomimus: Haven't they done that before? T-Rex: His best friend is Clark Ent! They haven't done THAT before. "Clark Ent." Utahraptor: So what's your story? You need a story beyond your premise. T-Rex: Not when the premise is this good, baby! T-Rex: Okay, fine - THE STORY is that Bruce doesn't know he's Batman but then one day he reads a Batman comic that flutters down from the sky and realizes that he should be the Batman of our universe. Utahraptor: And then he gets shot by a random criminal! T-Rex: WHAT? NO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO BATMAN. Tiny Batman Head: i don't know why people say in real life i would be shot. i wear bullet-proof armour! T-Rex: I know, man! I know!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1069 God: T-REX T-Rex: God. God: LISTEN God: I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE A TINY BATMAN HEAD AROUND YOU YESTERDAY T-Rex: Indubitably! God: SO MY QUESTION TO THAT IS WHAT'S THE DEAL T-Rex: As near as I can figure it, the only logical explanation is that I love Batman SO MUCH that it made him real! He's real now or at least his head is real now and he wants to hang out with me because I understand him like nobody else does. He's gonna teach me how to punch someone sneaking up behind me without even turning around. Utahraptor: Batman's not real, T-Rex! I can't believe I'm saying this. T-Rex: But you saw his tiny floating head yesterday! Utahraptor: No, I didn't. I saw you say "you can't do that to Batman" and then say "I know! I know!!" and then I though "It's a good thing you're not easily embarrassed, Utahraptor. You're a good guy for not being easily embarrassed." T-Rex: What? [[A tiny Batman head appears in the upper right hand corner.]] Floating Batman Head: i have to go away for a while, t-rex. thank you for making me real, if only for a little while. always remember me. T=Rex: I - I will, Batman. Floating Batman Head: also always remember how i could beat superman in a fight. T-Rex: It's so obvious! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=107 T-Rex: What I'll remember best about my night with the Dromiceiomimus could only be one thing... T-Rex: The many games of "Scrabble"! T-Rex: And if it isnt Ms. "Syzygy" herself! Dromiceiomimus: The sooner you accept that's a word, T-Rex, the sooner you'll be able to accept your crushing loss in the field of word creation and manipulation using pseudo-random letters as atoms. T-Rex: Never! T-Rex: Those were indeed good games of "Scrabble"! Utahraptor: You played "Scrabble" without me?! T-Rex: Yeah, the Dromiceiomimus and I played, two nights ago. Utahraptor: Was this before or after the dinosaur sex? T-Rex: During! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1070 Narrator: I GUESS WE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT Narrator: a web card T-Rex: Hah! LOOKS LIKE IT, bucko! T-Rex: I love the idea of someone who sends a card after a night of sex. It's sort of classy but also sort of insane? Dromiceiomimus: I've never seen a "thanks for the sex" card. What do they say? "Hey sweet stuff / That sex was fine / An offer of less sex / I would decline"? T-Rex: Hah! "Hey baby, thanks for the sex! / It was hot / (in most respects.)" Utahraptor: Hey, are we writing "thanks for the sex" cards? T-Rex: Utahraptor! We totally are!! T-Rex: Hey baby / that sex was fantastic / I hope next time / I'll be more enthusiastic? Utahraptor: Hey sweetie / that sex was neat / although we weren't / exactly discreet. T-Rex: Hey sexy / that sex was great! / It is how / we procreate! Utahraptor: That one's accurate! T-Rex: Anyway, to the recipient of this card: we had sex last night / and it was nice / I hope we used / a birth control device! T-Rex: The end! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1071 Narrator: I GUESS I HAD A GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT even though we didn't have sex Narrator: A WEB CARD T-Rex: Classy, dude! T-Rex: Anyway, dear recipient of this card: the sender had a good time last night, even though you didn't have sex with him! You don't NEED to have sex to have a good time. Just like me! Dromiceiomimus: Yesterday you told me you wanted your epitaph to be "T-Rex Always Needed Sex To Have A Good Time." T-Rex: It's just - it's such bad timing that you would mention that right now, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: Did you seriously say you wanted that as your epitaph? T-Rex: I was joking! T-Rex: If I have an epitaph I want it to be "Here Lies T-Rex / He Was Great / Actually Hold On A Second / He's Still Alive." Utahraptor: Okay. T-Rex: Alright then. Well. Back to the card, huh? T-Rex: Dear card recipient, the sender had a good time last night, even though you two didn't have sex! I'm going to say your name now to show how personalized this card is. T-Rex: Here I go! T-Rex: " " qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1072 Narrator: YOU DON'T KNOW ME BUT I LIKE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS a web "card" T-Rex: Your email address! It's - T-Rex: It's SO GOOD. T-Rex: Maybe it's whoistopless@ohheyeveryoneitsme.com, dowepartyhard@yesthatishowweparty.net, OR imtiredofpartying@guessimelderlynow.co.uk. Any of those are good. Dromiceiomimus: But not great. T-Rex: GOOD, but not great. T-Rex: The focus on partying appeals, though! Utahraptor: Okay, but the point of this card is that the recipient doesn't know the sender! T-Rex: Right! T-Rex: The sender's weird. I'm gonna assume she's a woman! She types in random email addresses she thinks are cool and then sends them web cards. What's her deal? Utahraptor: whatisherdeal@irepeatwhat-is-her-deal.com. T-Rex: EXACTLY. Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER: T-Rex: What's this, an email? From itsnotmybloodthankgoodness@iwokeupcoveredinblood.org? T-Rex: How INTRIGUING! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1073 T-Rex: Hey guys, do you ever think about what you want to be when you grow up? There are so many options! Teacher, astronaut, fireman, executive administrative assistant... Dromiceiomimus: You need to go to school for all those things. All you ever do is stomp. T-Rex: You did not let me finish. I want to be a stomper! Dromiceiomimus: There is no such profession. T-Rex: All you need is practice! I bet if I practice enough, I could get bif enough to stomp this whole house. Dromiceiomimus: Practicing does not make you get bigger, only getting older does that. Utahraptor: One day when you are older you will wish you had set your sights a little higher. T-Rex: Unlikely! T-Rex: One day when you are older, you will look back on all the dreams you have yet to fulfill, while I whistfully look back upon a fulfilling life of stomping. Utahraptor: So your idea of happiness is lowered expectations? T-Rex: No! My idea of happiness is stomping! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1074 T-Rex: I bet I still have all sorts of secret skills I just haven't discovered yet. Like - like throwing my voice! Future T-Rex: Yoo-hoo! T-Rex: OH MY GOODNESS I JUST DID IT! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! I can throw my voice! Check it out! T-Rex: Yoo-hoo! Dromiceiomimus: Wow! T-Rex: NO, not wow - that didn't work! But I did it before. I threw my voice before and it was AMAZING. I just need more practice! T-Rex: Ahem. T-Rex: Wait!! It worked! Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: I just realized I'm even better than I thought! I'm not just throwing my voice through space - I'm also throwing it through TIME! I can send messages to the past by simply throwing my voice there! Utahraptor: Okay, I'm gonna need some proof for that. T-Rex: Easy! I'll just remember to send a message back to this exact moment! Future T-Rex: Utahraptor! I'm gonna kiss you so much in ten minutes! T-Rex: Um - that, ah, wasn't me. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1075 Narrator: COMPRESSED CLASSIC SCIENCE FICTION SHORT STORIES today's story: THE LAST QUESTION BY ISAAC ASIMOV T-Rex: Okay in this story I'm a computer called Multivac! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, ask me if there will ever be a way to stop the sun from running down. Ask me if there will ever be a way to prevent the entire Universe from cooling down and dying. Ask ne if entropy can ever be reversed. Dromiceiomimus: Will there ever be a way to do that? T-Rex: Insufficient data for meaningful answer! T-Rex: Okay Utahraptor, now it's centuries later and you ask me the same thing. Utahraptor: Okay, how do I reverse entropy? T-Rex: Insufficient data for meaningful answer! Okay so trillions of years have gone by and we've spread across the universe and gotten more and more advanced. Soon all life merges with me and your question is the only one I could never answer. I spend timeless intervals pondering it, okay? Utahraptor: Okay. T-Rex: Actually I'm not going to spoil the ending! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1076 T-Rex: I have an extra $50 that I have saved. I believe I will put it in my bank account! God: NO T-REX THAT IS A BAD IDEA T-Rex: Explain! God: IF YOU LEAVE MONEY IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IT GETS INTEREST BUT IF IT'S NOT AS MUCH AS INFLATION YOU'RE ACTUALLY LOSING MONEY PLUS YOUR INVESTMENTS COULD BE MAKING MORE ON THE STOCK MARKET T-Rex: Fine! I'll invest my stupid $50 in the stock market. Okay? HAPPY? I'll invest my $50 in a company that makes NECKTIES FOR UNDERACHIEVING DOGS. Utahraptor: But before you do that, T-Rex, you should consider your investment goals! T-Rex: Man!! Utahraptor: Seriously! This is important. You need to decide: what do you want out of your investments? Security? Rapid growth? T-Rex: Listen: all I want out of life is for my bank account to have 58,008 dollars in it, so that when I read my statement upside down, it says "BOOBS". Banner: Worst answer to "What do you want out of your investments" question TODAY'S CHAMPION qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1077 T-Rex: I just had the funniest thought! The thought was, wouldn't it be HILARIOUS if someone thought that I was coasting on past successes? That would be funny because it's SO not me. T-Rex: SO. NOT. ME. Dromiceiomimus: Well, T-Rex. . . maybe it is you a little, you know? You do kind of talk yourself up a bit. T-Rex: But I only do that when I've done something awesome - like. . . like when I built a larger-than-life statue of myself! Dromiceiomimus: That was a year ago! T-Rex: IT IS SEVERAL STORIES TALL. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT FOR LONGER THAN A DAY. T-Rex: Man! Dromiceiomimus is crazy. I've done tons of stuff! Utahraptor: Nobody's arguing that! Utahraptor: But what have you done LATELY? I actually think that maybe you coast a bit on your past successes, T-Rex. T-Rex: What? I do not!! T-Rex: Seriously! I do not. Banner: Worst answer to "What do you want out of your investments" question YESTERDAY'S CHAMPION qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1078 Narrator: ISLAND DWARFISM COMICS T-Rex: Island dwarfism is BASICALLY the best form of evolution ever. T-Rex: It's SO CUTE! T-Rex: Basically, the idea is that if a species gets to an island and is then isolated, it can evolve on its own, apart from what's happening on the rest of the planet. And if food supplies are limited, as they often are on islands, smaller individuals have an evolutionary advantage since they need less food to live! If the larger species survives at all, it usually survives by shrinking. Utahraptor: How much shrinkage are we talking about here? T-Rex: Oh my goodness, Utahraptor, you have no idea! T-Rex: You can get dwarf ELEPHANTS. Tiny little elephants with tiny little tusks! Utahraptor: Yeah, but how tin- T-Rex: Is a 98% reduction in mass tiny enough for you? Utahraptor. THEY ARE THE MAYORS OF TINY TOWNE. Narrator: EARLIER: Mr. Tusks: Hullo T-Rex, my name is "Mr. Tusks" and I'm a tiny elephant! Someone left me on this island for too long. T-Rex: Oh my goodness, Mr. Tusks! Are you the MAYOR of Tiny Towne? Mr. Tusks: vice-mayor qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1079 T-Rex: Island gigantism is a pretty okay form of evolution. T-Rex: It's okay. Narrator: ISLAND GIGANTISM COMICS T-Rex: So what happens here is you've got a population that's so isolated on an island, but you have plenty of food and no predators! So smaller animals like birds and rodents that normal had to stay tiny to avoid being eaten are free from that constraint, and so they can evolve to be enormous. Giant turtles! Giant cockroaches! Giant birds! The dodo started out as a pigeon. Utahraptor: And now, all the dodos are dead! T-Rex: And now, all the dodos are dead. T-Rex: That's depressing, eh? It's the problem with island gigantism: as soon as we discover the island, we tend to either eat all the animals ourselves, or introduce new predators that find these trusting giants to be EASY PICKINS. Utahraptor: Yep! It's too bad. Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Mr Tusks, do you ever get depressed thinking about all the animals we've made extinct? Mr Tusks: I guess I get a... TINY bit depressed, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh, Mr. Tusks! how do you always know just what to say? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=108 T-Rex: I wonder if there would ever be a nation in the future that described itself in opposition to other nations! Narrator: Happy Canada Day Comics T-Rex: And in this future-nation there would be trees! And lakes! And birds! And beavers! T-Rex: Beavers would be important, somehow. T-Rex: Also this future-land everybody would live in igloos and fight bears. Utahraptor: Igloos? T-Rex: Yeah! Because my future-country is in the great while north and therefore everybody lives in igloos. Utahraptor: That's a cultural stereotype T-Rex. T-Rex: So? It's my made-up country. T-Rex: It doesn't actually exsist , you know. It is MADE-UP. CHIMERICAL. Narrator: Happy Narrator: Canada Narrator: Day qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1080 T-Rex: I'm Just so happy that I have a new friend who is a tiny elephant. Oh my goodness, I can't say how happy that makes me. To think of all these years I was looking for happiness in RELATIONSHIPS and SOCIETY when all that I wanted... T-Rex: ...was a tiny elephant friend named Mr. Tusks! T-Rex: Sometimes, Dromiceiomimus, in his official capacity of Vice-Mayor of Tiny Town Island, Mr. Tusks wears a tiny bowler hat. HOW IS THAT NOT ADORABLE. OH MY GOODNESS. Dromeceiomimus: Tiny Towne Island? I thought he just came from Tiny Towne. T-Rex: The Towne takes up most of the island, so they share the same name! His mailing address: ULTIMATELY ADORABLE. I love my little elephant friend! Utahraptor: T-Rex, aren't you being - ah, kind of racist? T-Rex: What? How? Utahraptor: It's just - every time you mention that you love Mr. Tusks, you mention that he's a tiny elephant. You treat his tiny elephant status as if it sums up his entire personality! T-Rex: Utahraptor, you're right! I need to apologize to him right away. Narrator: TINY TOWNE ISLAND: Mr Tusk's secretary: I'm sorry but the vice mayor is out on a SMALL errand. Would you like to leave a message? T-Rex: Hah! Will he be back SHORTLY? T-Rex: Good ol' Mr. Tusks! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1081 Narrator: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ETHICS AND MORALS Narrator: hey adults! put me in your wallet! T-Rex: Ethics and morals are not the same thing! T-Rex: I know! It's CRAZY. But ethics are something that you learn and study and are applied in society, while morals are more natural and instinctive. That's why you can have a low moral fibre (they're more innate), but there's no ethical fibre. You can only have poor ethical training! Dromiceiomimus: Amazing! T-Rex: I know! Utahraptor: So wait - can an act then be considered immoral, but still ethical? T-Rex: Possibly? T-Rex: Honestly, this is pretty much all I know about the difference between ethics and morals, and I'm not even sure that's right. Utahraptor: We could find out more at our local library! T-Rex: To the library! It's this way. I'm pointing to it with my fingers. Narrator: MUCH LATER: T-Rex: maybe it's this way instead qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1082 T-Rex: Okay, okay, so we can modify our personality, right? We're not the same people we were when we were six years old, and part of that has to be controlled by us. T-Rex: We make New Year's Resolutions for a reason! T-Rex: So we've got a self-modifying system: we examine our personality, determine things we don't like, and try to make them better. But how do we decide what we don't like? Our personality must feed into that process too! So you've got this feedback loop that goes all the way back to when we were born and started making decisions. And it seems to me that if you changed just a tiny thing early on, you could get a completely different adult down the road! Utahraptor: Sensitive dependence on initial conditions! It's chaos theory applied to personalities, right? T-Rex: Right! Utahraptor:Okay, some issues off just the top of my head: you haven't proven your assumption of control (conscious or otherwise) over personality, you seem to assume that babies are born as a blank slate with no initial personality, you leave the idea of "personality" pretty ill defined for something so central to your argument, and you haven't shown that altering behaviour (viz., Resolutions) is the same as altering personality. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: how does he make his voice so small qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1083 Narrator: SLANG FOR TEENS T-Rex: Teens! Are you interested in slang? T-Rex: Here is some handy slang for you, teens! "Bad" means "good". For example, "that rock concert was BAD!" Further, "bogus" means "bad", but these aren't transitive. Something that's bogus isn't good. "Bodacious" means "good", but these aren't symmetric either. A salad might be bodacious if it's exceptional, though. T-Rex: I've never had one like that. Utahraptor: Is there any reason why you're only doing outdated 80s slang? T-Rex: Hey, Utahraptor! T-Rex: Is there any reason why you're being such a DWEEB-O-RAMA? T-Rex: OH SNAP! Who just got burned by his best friend for some mild criticism? T-Rex: Utahraptor! It says here that it's you! It says right here on "BURN CHART 2007" that you're #1! Narrator: A FEW MINUTES LATER: T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: I've got some regrets! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1084 Text: A MYSTERY STORY Text: Once upon a time there was guy who "knocked over" (broke into) a bank and stole some money. Who did it? It was a mystery. Nobody knew the answer. They all asked each other who "knocked over" the bank but nobody knew for sure. Text: It was this guy. He did it. T-Rex. This guy. Text: But the bank was evil so it was okay to steal from it. It was justified. It's like if you stole from Hitler. Would that be so bad? Hitler would be mad if you stole from him. But, he's Hitler. There are a lot of moral grey areas in mystery stories. Text: Most banks aren't even evil but this one was pretty bad. Imagine the worst things you can do. I will tell you right now that this bank did them five times before breakfast. Text: There was a cop called Utahraptor who saw T-Rex and he chased him on foot. It was exciting. Where would the chase lead to now? Text: The chase was on motorbikes for a while and then on skateboards. Then they chased on hang gliders. A bystander told his wife it was the best chase ever and she knew it was true. They were chasing on foot again when it ended. Utahraptor arrested T-Rex, but T-Rex explained how the bank was evil. The cop thought now I am torn between the law and what I believe is right. What do I do now! Utahraptor let T-Rex go with a warning. T-Rex said thanks I have learned my lesson. The mystery was solved, except for one part: where would the spirit of adventure take T-Rex next?? T-Rex: So? What do you think, Pulitzer Prize-winning author Michael Chabon? Michael Chabon: I asked you to proofread a chapter, not to substitute your own retarded story! T-Rex: I don't think you should use the word "retarded" like that, Michael Chabon. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1085 T-Rex: The best part of my mystery story was obviously the chase scene. Therefore, I've written a new story - T-Rex: - one that's ALL chase scene! T-Rex: So Utahraptor's chasing the main character of T-Rex, right? On foot. But then it escalates! Soon they're chasing on jury-rigged rollerblades. Then in expensive cars that they find! Then the cars explode, and they're thrown from the explosion straight into waiting GYROCOPTERS. And THEN, the gyrocopters crash on boats and they chase on the boats! T-Rex: The boats can turn into SUBMARINES, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: But what's the narrative? You can't just have two people chasing each other. T-Rex: YEAH 'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE SO BORING T-Rex: It's awesome. There's a part where the chase takes us to outer space, on rockets! And then after a gun fight IN ORBIT we're both in freefall back to Earth - but without parachutes and with our spacesuits rapidly heating up! Will this fight end in victory... or in fiery death for us both? FIND OUT IN MY NEXT BOOK! T-Rex: The book is called, "A Plane Saved Them, And You Should Have Seen It." qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1086 Narrator: T-REX THE TALKING DINOSAUR IN: T-Rex: Is it true that the content of our thoughts - their very meaning - is determined, at least in part, by our environment? Narrator: SEMANTIC EXTERNALISM COMICS T-Rex: Okay, suppose I think "I love chocochops", which are of course delicious chocolate pork chops with a real pork chop bone. And say there's a twin Earth, completely identical - EXCEPT that there, chocochops have a different chemical makeup, but taste and look the same! If my twin thinks "I love chocochops", he's actually referring to the one with CRAZY CHEMICALS, while when I think that, I'm referring to a chemically different object. The environment determines our semantics! Utahraptor: Ah, the famous "Twin Earth" thought experiment of Hilary Putnam! T-Rex: SOMEONE CAME UP WITH IT FIRST? Utahraptor: Yeah, only his example was about water having a different composition on Twin Earth, instead of those hauntingly stupid chocochops you invented. The point is that both thinkers have the exact same mental state but are saying different things, and the environment is responsible for meaning there. Narrator: EPILOGUE: A FEW DAYS LATER, T-REX CALLS HIS GRANDMOTHER. T-Rex: But I don't mention anything about semantic externalism! T-Rex: Sometimes I like to call her just to say hello qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1087 Narrator: EVERYONE I KNOW IS BECOMING VEGETARIAN Narrator: A COMIC BASED ON A TRUE STORY Narrator: MANY TRUE STORIES T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I know you're vegetarian, but you've been vegetarian since forever. You were ahead of the curve! But lately everyone ELSE is suddenly like, "Oh, T-Rex, I'm sorry, *I* don't eat pork chops anymore because they're way too delicious. And gosh, no, no, steaks are out too because they don't have any stupid chlorophyll in them!" Dromiceiomimus: Well "#8212; T-Rex: ?That's what they're like! Utahraptor: Don't you respect vegetarians? T-Rex: I do! MOST OF THEM. T-Rex: I guess I'm not used to feeling in the minority in knowing that animals can be friends AND food! It's not hard! You say, "Aw, that animal is SO CUTE" and then the camera cuts away and when it cuts back they have a bite mark out of them and I look cartoonishly guilty. The end! T-Rex: Hold on, I'm gonna go make that film. Movie Poster Text: THE GUY WHO KEPT TAKING BITES OUT OF ANIMALS Movie Poster Text: Once In a Lifetime Comes a Movie (In The German Expressionist Tradition) In Which A Dinosaur Takes Cartoony Bites out of Cows and Then Tries to Avoid Punishment for That."#8482; Movie Poster Text: "BITINGLY hilarious!" --Everyone?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1088 Movie Poster Text: THE GUY WHO STILL KEPT TAKING BITES OUT OF ANIMALS Movie Poster Text: This Time"#8230; The Farmer Is More Exasperated At All The Bites! The Sequel To The Movie That You Saw Before. T-Rex: I bet I can get AT LEAST three more movies out of this premise! Movie Poster Text: TEH GUY WHO KEPT TAKING BITES OUT OF ANIMALS - IN LOVE! T-Rex: I love biting animals. Dromiceiomimus: I love "#8212; you! Movie Poster Text: What a great romantic comedy! Will they get together at the end? "#8230;What if there was a musical montage?"#8230; Movie Poster Text: THE TWO GUYS WHO KEPT TAKING BITES"#8230;OUT OF CRIME! Movie Poster Text: They Are Cops Now, Okay Movie Poster Text: Direct to VHS Movie Poster Text: THE TWO BITEY GUYS DISCUSS EARLY APPROACHES TOWARDS LAISSEZ-FAIRE CAPITALISM Movie Poster Text: "Five stars"#8230;out of a possible FOUR!" Movie Poster Text: "I liked all the jump cuts" Movie Poster Text: THE BITEY GUY THAT YOU LIKED FROM BEFORE IS BACK ONLY THIS TIME HE HAS A SEXY LESBIAN FRIEND Movie Poster Text: THE MOVIE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1089 Narrator: ELECTION COMICS T-Rex: Oh my goodness do I ever love ELECTIONS. T-Rex: You can't spell "selection" without "election"! T-Rex: Not - not that really has any bearing on "selection" or "election". I'm pretty sure they have different etymologies. In fact, I'm almost certain, especially since I've never heard of "s" alone bing used as as a prefix. So REALLY, there's no reason I'd talk about the shared spelling between "selection" and "election" unless my intent was to mislead people based on coincidental surface construction! Huh. Narrator: THE END Narrator: ELECTION COMICS FOR REAL THIS TIME Utahraptor: Hey, did you vote? T-Rex: Let me answer that... T-Rex: ... with a "HELLS YEAH!!". I voted so hard, Utahraptor. You should have seen me. I was DEMOCRACY IN ACTION. I picked up my ballot and said"HELLS YEAH!!" and then when I stuffed it into the ballot box, i did it with so much panache and ?lan that I can't hardly wait for the novelization. T-Rex: You know what I'm sayin', Utahraptor? You pickin' up what I'm throwin' down? T-Rex: It's going to be one HECK of a novelization. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=109 T-Rex: I have been quietly seeking out part-time employment, and my search has finally come to an end! T-Rex: Tomorrow, I start in my new employ. T-Rex: I will be a bouncer! T-Rex: And if people start causing trouble, I will say, "Are you looking for trouble, Mister? Because you have found the trouble you were looking for!" T-Rex: Then I will stomp on him like this! T-Rex: Or perhaps like this! Utahraptor: Quit stomping on people! T-Rex: I cannot, for now I work as a bouncer and stomping on unruly customers is part of my job! Utahraptor: Fine then, I'm going to get a job as a T-Rex hunter. Utahraptor: Shooting T-Rexes will be part of MY job! T-Rex: Noooo! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1090 T-Rex: In verificationism, a sentence has to be verifiably true (or false!) for it to be meaningful. Not bad, guys! I think this is one philosophy that is verifiably REASONABLE. T-Rex: So that's it for arguing about religion! Can't verify faith! T-Rex: In fact, that's it for a lot of debate, because how can you argue FACTS? Most verificationist arguments must end with the parties involved looking things up in an encyclopaedia together and then firmly shaking hands. Dromiceiomimus: But if they can't verify something, what do they do? T-Rex: They agree that the sentence is meaningless! If it can't be checked, there's no use considering it, so it's ignored. Facts only please!! Utahraptor: But how does anyone know what's true? T-Rex: Because... because of Science? Utahraptor: Come on, T-Rex, you know better! Science is about being empirically ACCURATE, which might not be the same thing as being true. Plus your senses could be lying to you, you could be a brain in a jar, etc.. If you're going to be verificationist, you're going to need a pretty impregnable definition of "truth". T-Rex: Aha! But I can't VERIFY that my senses are liars, nor can I verify that I'm a brain in a jar! How does THAT taste, Utahraptor? Utahraptor: You can verify the science thing! T-Rex: Can you just tell me how it tastes, when you put THAT in your pipe and smoke it? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1091 T-Rex: If I'm going to be verificationist, I'd better figure out what it means to say that something is true! I'm going to start with... relativism! T-Rex: This one is all, "Well, it's true for me!" T-Rex: Guys. Come on. This is the dumbest theory of truth. This is the theory of truth that draws tattoos on itself in blue pen and then when you ask why anyone would draw a picture on their forearm of tree, with sausages, with the words "sausage tree" beneath it, it gets mad and says "You don't understand my truth!" T-Rex: I'm - I'm personifying a little here but that's seriously what relativism does. Utahraptor: What about fascist truth, where something is true because those with power say it's true? T-Rex: Again - ultra dumb! T-Rex: What I want is a theory of truth that's incontrovertible. In fact, I don't want even a THEORY of truth! I want a fact of truth. Utahraptor: You're not going to get it! There's like 20 trillion theories, but no facts. T-Rex: Oh YEAH?? We'll see about that! Narrator: TWENTY TRILLION THEORIES OF TRUTH LATER: T-Rex: Well God, I guess it really just goes to show you that there's many different competing ideas about what "true" really means! God: UH HUH T-Rex: And THAT'S the truth! God: UH HUH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1092 T-Rex: Wait, I know some truths that are absolute: mathematical truths! How could I have been so blind? T-Rex: It is a FACT that one plus one equals two! T-Rex: All I need is a way to convert mathematical truths to the real world and I WILL NEVER BE WRONG AGAIN! Dromiceiomimus: Um - I'm sorry to break it to you, T-Rex, but mathematical truths aren't absolute either. Math is built on a priori assumptions: you start with a few things that you assume are true and build on them! Stuff like "1+2 is the same as 2+1". Then you build up a mathematical system around that, but that doesn't mean math is true. It's just - consistent! T-Rex: But... 1+2 IS the same as 2+1! Utahraptor: Or so you think, T-Rex! T-Rex: Damn my potentially-flawed senses! Utahraptor: When our mathematical assumptions APPEAR to match up with reality, the results may also seem to apply - but math isn't any more "true" because of that! It's still based on unproven/unprovable assumptions. And you can actually build up systems where you decide that 1+2 does not equal 2+1, and they're just as consistent! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Attention, everyone I've ever met and ever will meet! Never mention the "flawed senses" idea again, okay? It prevents me from knowing absolute truth. Everyone T-Rex has ever met and ever will meet: SURE THING, T-REX! T-Rex: Patrick Stewart! What are you doing here? Patrick Stewart: um, being BORED qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1093 T-Rex: I have gone too far "down the rabbit hole" and am reduced to being sure only of my own thoughts, and even then some other chump could be projecting them into my head. To that I say: "whatEVER!" T-Rex: People do fine with approximations! T-Rex: So what if truth is a platonic ideal that can't be reached? I'm fine with that! When someone says to me, "T-Rex, your birthday is this Saturday," will I demand they prove it? No. I will say "wicked sweettimes" and then I would say "what did you get me" and then I would say "I bet it's so awesome" and that will be that. Utahraptor: Hey, your birthday really is this Saturday! T-Rex: See? It's true! T-Rex: OR, it's close enough to true that we all agree on it. Brains in jars don't get birthdays! This is the reality I'm living in, and if it's not real then OH WELL, at least we'll all be eating ice cream cake come Saturday. You know? Utahraptor: I hear you! Voice: Hey, T-Rex! This ice cream cake is delicious! T-Rex: Thanks! Don't you think it tastes like... philosophical compromise? Voice: Only a little! T-Rex: But you can hardly taste it, eh? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1094 T-Rex: What if... what if I had the BEST HOUSE EVER this Hallowe'en? [[inside T-Rex's thought bubble]] Guys: T-Rex! This house is SPOOK-TACULAR! T-Rex: Guys, I totally know!! T-Rex: I must make this dream come true! But HOW? Dromiceiomimus: What if you made your house spiritually scary, T-Rex? Like, instead of a corpse, a mannequin of a woman who is realizing that she has married badly. T-Rex: Not bad! And I could have a spooky tape, but instead of chainsaws and screams, I'd have the voice of a man quietly dictating memories of his youth, knowing Alzheimer's will rob him of them soon. Utahraptor: But these ideas won't be scary for passers-by! T-Rex: Sure they will! Utahraptor: They need explanation! The best scares are like the best art, where you get it viscerally, without a little placard beneath it that says "OKAY. SO. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS ALZHEIMER'S." T-Rex: Man, you just wait! Kids will be boarding the train to SCARYTOWNE at my house. Narrator: HALLOWE'EN NIGHT: Kid: Mister, why is that man talking about when he was a kid? T-Rex: Because he's got a disease that robs him of his memories, relationships and identity. It is death before death. T-Rex: Oooh, what scary costumes! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1095 Narrator: JANUARY: T-Rex: Ah, the start of a brand new year. There's so much potential! What could possibly go wrong? Narrator: FEBRUARY: T-Rex: Stood up on Valentine's day? Narrator: MARCH: T-Rex: Stood up on ST. PATRICK'S DAY?! Dromiceiomimus: Aww, T-Rex, we can still hang out and drink green beer! T-Rex: Thanks, Dromiceiomimus. But man, who stands someone up on St. Patrick's day? BESIDES MY DATE, THAT IS!! Narrator: MAY: T-Rex: I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS STOOD UP AGAIN, TODAY, ON CINCO DE MAYO. Utahraptor: Aww, T-Rex! It'll be okay! Narrator: SEPTEMBER: T-Rex: Remember my St. Patrick's Day date? The woman who stood me up? Utahraptor: Yep! T-Rex: TODAY IS LABOUR DAY (LABOR DAY IN THE UNITED STATES) AND SHE STOOD ME UP AGAIN. Narrator: DECEMBER: T-Rex: You know, besides being stood up all the time, it wasn't actually that bad a year! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1096 T-Rex: You know how in stories, whenever a character has the chance, he always decides that it's too dangerous to know too much about his own future? T-Rex: Um, I would like to know too much, please! T-Rex: Knowing who I marry, knowing where I end up living - all of these would be great timesavers! Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, but then you'd lose the hoy of living your own life! There'd be no more surprises. T-Rex: Okay, knowing just one thing, then. Going through life knowing that no matter what, I'm going to win the lottery, for example! Utahraptor: Or, knowing that no matter what, you're NEVER going to win the lottery! T-Rex: Also good! T-Rex: I just want one little tidbit, you know? Utahraptor: Okay - um, NO MATTER WHAT, one day you're going to... eat a whole pif? T-Rex: Man I coulda told you that! I accidentally almost ate a whole pig at breakfast, you know? God: T-REX ONE DAY YOU'RE GOING TO PUNCH AN ATTACKING BEAR IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS AND THEN HE'LL BEND OVER IN PAIN AND THEN YOU'LL ELBOW HIM IN THE BACK T-Rex: Oh my goodness! T-Rex: My future! It's... it's so AWESOME... qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1097 Narrator: THINGS TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE HAS BROKEN UP WITH YOU T-Rex: Sometimes, someone will break up with you. Aw snaps! What do you say to THAT? T-Rex: Here are some things you can say to that! T-Rex: "It's okay, sweetie! I'm sure one day you'll find someone ALMOST as good as me!" T-Rex: "Would you also break up with a rocket skateboard? BECAUSE THOSE WOULD BE GREAT. LIKE ME. I AM GREAT." Dromiceiomimus: "You can't fire me, baby! I quit!" Utahraptor: "Don't you think you should have settled while you were ahead?" T-Rex: "What if your next boyfriend is uglier?" T-Rex: "Honestly though, I will always treasure the time we had together. I liked who I was with you - who we were together - and I hope we'll both be able to take that with us in the future. You've changed me and you're a part of who I am. I know our relationship will be different now, but I can't imagine ever not loving you." T-Rex: "Oh, were we dating?" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1098 T-Rex: Wouldn't it be funny if I planted A FAKE GRAVE for future generations to discover? T-Rex's thought bubble: YES. T-Rex: Why, yes, it would! T-Rex: What I'm going to do is get a construction crew to put a skeleton, wearing workman's clothes, RIGHT IN MY HOUSE'S WALLS. Then, when my house is torn down in the future, the deconstruction crew will wonder which of their unlucky cousins faced such a grim demise! Dromiceiomimus: But where are you going to get a skeleton? T-Rex: From... the internet? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Forget you, internet! Your skeletons cost like $6000! Utahraptor: $6000 for a plastic skeleton? T-Rex: Well, no, a real one. But if I use a fake one the prank will be found out too soon! Utahraptor: Not if you chemically touch it up. It should withstand scrutiny long enough to make the news! T-Rex: SERIOUSLY?? Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER: T-Rex: I get to spend the rest of my life being in on a great joke, and knowing that after I'm dead some honest tradespeople are going to be spooked, then intrigued, then cheezed off at me! T-Rex: Not bad! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1099 T-Rex: God, guess what I'M going to do today! God: UM PLANT MORE FAKE GRAVES T-Rex: Indeed!! T-Rex: Fake graves...for EVERYONE! T-Rex: One of them will be a dude with the remains of a time machine, and I'm gonna put him down at the Permian-Triassic boundary (the greatest extinction event EVER, in which 95% of all marine species and 70% of all land life became extinct)! I'm gonna make it look like this guy's time machine was responsible. It'll be all there in his notebook. "My time machine accidentally blew up and is responsible for the mass extinctions. Frig." T-Rex: All of this will go in Dromiceiomimus's back yark, which I forgot to ask permission about! Utahraptor: And in mine? T-Rex: Utahraptor, in YOUR back yard I'd like to bury a skeleton, but I'm also gonna give him some extra fingers and also we'll cover him in feathers. People will say "Who was this Incredible Feathered Bird Man with all the crazy fingers? Was he - was he a GOD?" Utahraptor: 'Kay! Narrator: LATER, ON TINY-TOWNE ISLAND! T-Rex: Tell me honestly, Mr. Tusks: do you think my grave pranks are DEFINITELY the most awesome ideas you've ever heard? Mr. Tusks: I think they're a...TINY bit awesome, T-Rex! T-Rex: Mr. Tusks...are you just saying that for the pun? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=11 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for pointing out the failures of others! T-Rex: I will consider it as a public service! T-Rex: To begin: your house is too small and your car is slightly out of scale! And you! Your colouring is improbable! T-Rex: You, tiny woman, are too tiny and also lack personality! Utahraptor: I'm not a woman! T-Rex: My comments were addressed to the young lady beneath my foot; you were not their intended target. Utahraptor: My apologies. T-Rex: You have difficulty discerning to whom I am speaking! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=110 T-Rex: I babysat a pterodactyl last night. It was pretty fun, I red him his favourite stories, we played some games, but then I lost him so I ate some sandwiches and went home. T-Rex: All in all, a good night! Dromiceiomimus: What? You LOST the baby pterodactyl you were sitting? You LOST a BABY? T-Rex! THIS IS A MUCH BIGGER DEAL THAN YOU THINK IT IS! T-Rex: But - she can have more, right? She won't mind if one goes missing, right? Dromiceiomimus: Holy cow! She will mind, T-Rex! You are in big trouble! Dromiceiomimus: Holy cow! T-Rex: oh no oh no oh no! I lost the baby I was sitting! I am the world's worst babysitter! Utahraptor: WHAT?! Utahraptor: You lost the baby you were supposed to take care of? Utahraptor: Oh my god! Utahraptor: You're screwed! T-Rex: I'm screwed! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1100 T-Rex: Cargo cults are religions that have developed during World War II in island tribal societies exposed to the West! Islanders saw planes delivering amazing and valuable cargo to the troops, and believed it to be divine. Narrator: KARGO KULT KOMICS T-Rex: During the war, the islanders would see this cargo going to the troops and would grow to believe that the gods meant it for them - that the white people were just getting it sooner because of their influential rituals. And of couse, after the war ended and the troops left, the cargo stopped being dropped too. Utahraptor: So what happened then? T-Rex: The islanders started mimicking what they'd seen the troops doing! T-Rex: The result was ersatz marches, imitation airstrips and walkie talkies made out of wood and bamboo, and even torch signal flares, used to signal divine planes that never come! Utahraptor: Wow! It recasts Western military culture and tools as religious practice and iconography, respectively! T-Rex: I know! It's CRAZY! Not in the pejorative sense, but in the more esoteric "Holy crap the Prime Directive on Star Trek was RIGHT" sense of crazy. It's a very particular sense of crazy but I'm feeling it right now! Utahraptor: I'm feeling it right now too, and I don't even watch nerd shows!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1101 T-Rex: What if - what if I started my OWN cargo cult? God: NO THAT IS NOT ALLOWED T-Rex: Aw man! You say that for ALL the awesome stuff. Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: What if I put chocolate sauce in my iced tea? God: DON'T DO IT T-Rex: I'm gonna!! Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: What if I started my OWN waterslide, but put a fine layer of gasoline on top, and then lit it, so that when you slide you could slide through FIRE (EXTREME!!), but then if it got too hot, you'd just have to go underwater to "cool down"? God: NO T-Rex: I'd give you a FREE pass! God: GONNA HAVE TO STICK WITH NOPERS HERE T-Rex: What if I made... carbonated CARBON? Utahraptor: That's a terrible idea! Utahraptor: It doesn't even make sense. If you carbonate a solid the best you're gonna get is a solid with carbon dioxide bubbles in it. And if you've done that you've probably come up with Swiss cheese, so upon closer inspection I think this is a great idea as I would actually like some Swiss cheese, please. God: CAN I GET SOME TOO qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1102 Narrator: HALLOWE'EN JOKES FOR CHILDREN Narrator: AND ADULTS Narrator: I GUESS Narrator: HALLOWE'EN JOKES FOR CHILDREN AND ADULTS T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Which kind of street does a ghost love best? Dromiceiomimus: Which? T-Rex: A DEAD END! Dromiceiomimus: Oh my goodness! T-Rex: I know! Should you laugh... OR RUN IN TERROR? Narrator: HALLOWE'EN JOKES FOR PEOPLE INTERESTED IN LEARNING MORE ABOUT BATS T-Rex: Hey Utahraptor! Why don't bats live alone? Utahraptor: I don't know, T-Rex! Why DON'T bats live alone? T-Rex: Because they prefer to hang out with their friends! Utahraptor: Bats are nocturnal mammals who can hang upside down while resting. Narrator: GENERATIVE HALLOWE'EN JOKES Voice from outside the panel: What kind of pie do ghosts like? T-Rex: BOOberry! Voice from outside the panel: Where do ghosts go on vacation? T-Rex: Mali-BOO! Voice from outside the panel: Why do ghosts hate slavery? T-Rex: Because... they're aBOOlitionists? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1103 T-Rex: Homophones are words that SOUND the same but mean different things, like "news" and "gnus". Way to go only part way, HOMOPHONES. T-Rex: Don't bother showing up to my dinner party, HOMOPHONES. T-Rex: More impressive, and still invited for Yukon Potato Gnocchi, are words that are SPELT the same, but have two different meanings: words like "attribute" (to credit something to someone) and "attribute" (a property of something)! One's a noun and one's a verb and it's seriously so awesome. I cannot imagine how to perfect these words, as they are already perfect! Oh ho ho! Utahraptor: But are there really a lot of these words? T-Rex: Utahraptor! Let's be serious! T-Rex: Are you not familiar with accent? Or with addict, combine, conduct, conflict, content, and object? PERHAPS YOU'D ALSO LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO PERFECT, PRESENT, PROGRESS, REFUND, SUSPECT, AND UPSET? Utahraptor: Okay. T-Rex: Okay. Well. They're at my dinner party tonight. Narrator: LATER THAT EVENING. T-Rex: Man! I've got to start inviting REAL people to my parties. God: WAIT WHAT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1104 Narrator: LATE LAST NIGHT: God: T-REX HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF HOMOGRAPHIC HOMOPHONIC AUTANTONYMS T-Rex: I have not! God: OKAY SO HERE'S WHAT THEY'RE LIKE Narrator: THIS MORNING: T-Rex: Sorry, other word classes! I have a NEW girlfriend now! T-Rex: A homographic homophonic autantonym is a word that is spelt AND pronounced the same, but has two opposite and contradictory meanings! For example, I can dust a crop (adding pesticides to it), or I can dust a counter (removing dust from it)! Way to go, dust! You are a winner; you are a word that contains multitudes. Dromiceiomimus: Why do we let language get like this? T-Rex: Probably because we want it to be incredibly awesome? Utahraptor: And both "dust"s are the same part of speech there, too, so you can't use word order to determine meaning! T-Rex: INDEED! T-Rex: ALL YOU CAN DO is hope to use your real-world knowledge about crops and tables to figure out what's going on. And it's even worse with words like "overlook", meaning "examine" but ALSO meaning "miss noticing entirely". Can't rely on the noun there! Utahraptor: How come you love words that make communication difficult? T-Rex: What is not to like? They're words that do their job in the most sarcastic, sullen, passive-aggressive way possible, and they totally get away with it! T-Rex: I just want to pat them on the head and ruffle their hair, you know? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1105 T-Rex: He's Just Not That Into You? Come on. I can write a better self-help book for people who want cold-hard yet charmingly sassy relationship advice! T-Rex: Probably! Book Cover Text: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOUR RAMBLEY STORIES Book Cover Text: they go on for SO long and we all get tired Book Cover Text: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO WOMEN WHO REMIND HIM OF HIS MOTHER Book Cover Text: Personality-Wise? Maybe It's Your Body. Book Cover Text: HE'S A TOTAL JERK BUT YOU GET MAD AT US IF WE SAY THAT Book Cover Text: so this book is about dinosaurs instead Book Cover Text: happy anniversary Book Cover Text: HE BROKE UP WITH YOU BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU Book Cover Text: he didn't dial the wrong number and then break up with you because he thought you were somebody else with the same name that he no longer wanted to be cheating on you with, is the thing Book Cover Text: YOUR BODY NO LONGER EXCITES HER Book Cover Text: the book! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1106 Book Cover Text: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, MAN Book Cover Text: Probably She's Attracted To Men Who Are Different From You In Some Way Book Cover Text: What The Heck, Right? Book Cover Text: who the heck does she think she is Book Cover Text: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU"#8230;R TASTE IN MUSIC Book Cover Text: don't worry DON'T WORRY everything else is FINE Book Cover Text: IN MY LAST BOOK I SAID HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC BUT WHAT I ACTUALLY WANTED TO TELL YOU WAS THAT HE'S "#8212; HE'S GREAT Book Cover Text: he's a real catch and um, you should get married Book Cover Text: "tie the knot" Book Cover Text: ha ha Book Cover Text: THE MAN WHO KISSED A WOMAN BECAUSE HIS FRIEND AT WORK KEPT TEASING HIM ABOUT NOT KISSING ANYONE FOR A WHILE Book Cover Text: sure showed HIM Book Cover Text: HE DOESN'T CALL BECAUSE IT'S LONG DISTANCE AND HE HAS CRIPPLING DEBT Book Cover Text: you know those stock photos of a man with scissors cutting up his credit cards because he has too much debt? that was him! Book Cover Text: THAT DOES NOT ERASE YOUR DEBT, MAN WITH SCISSORS Book Cover Text: MY LAST BOOK WAS MORE ABOUT FINANCIAL ADVICE THAN RELATIONSHIPS qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1107 Book Cover Text: WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP BUYING T-REX'S RELATIONSHIP BOOKS Book Cover Text: is it because he's on the cover? that's the only reason i can think of Book Cover Text: WELL HERE HE IS Book Cover Text: a book by utahraptor T-Rex: WHAT T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, Utahraptor put me on his friggin' book! It's got me on the cover and it makes me look like I wrote it even though the title is just pure sass. It is pure SASSY MOLASSY. Dromiceiomimus: Um, why don't you talk to him about it? T-Rex: I will! Right after I stomp on a few things to work off my anger, that is! Utahraptor: Hey buddy! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. T-Rex: The mere sight of you has returned my anger! Why did you put out that book? Utahraptor: What book? T-Rex: SOMEONE put out sass-ass book, and said it was by Utahraptor! Utahraptor: It wasn't me, man! Let me see. Maybe there's a club to who really did it. Book Cover Text: THAT LAST BOOK WAS PUT OUT BY DROMICEIOMIMUS, NOT BY ME OR UTAHRAPTOR Book Cover Text: what the heck, dromiceiomimus Book Cover Text: when will we pick up the phone to talk about this rather than going through publishing companies, is my question qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1108 T-Rex: All I've got to show for the past week is a bunch of books that nobody is ever going to read! Narrator: LET'S ALL TAKE STOCK OF THE PAST WEEK COMICS Dromiceiomimus: All I've got to show for the past week is a book I published as part of a practical joke that I really enjoyed! Also I made a delicious meal, but that's gone now. I'm experimenting with eggplant. T-Rex: Not bad! I wish I could have tried it! Dromiceiomimus: Next time! Utahraptor: All I've got to show for the past week is a kick-ass scar! T-Rex: What?! When did you get that? Utahraptor: I got it when I fell rocket skating after hang-gliding off a mountain and landing in waiting rocket skates! I hit a bump after a few kilometers. T-Rex: Man, I missed out on ROCKET SKATING because I was writing books? That sucks! That - T-Rex: That SUCKS. God: ALL I'VE GOT TO SHOW FOR THE PAST WEEK IS A POCKET UNIVERSE I CREATED WHERE EVERYONE FINISHES EVERY SENTENCE WITH "TO THE MAX" T-Rex: Well at least THAT sounds totally awesome to the max! God: YEAH God: SAVE IT FOR THE POCKET UNIVERSE MAN qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1109 T-Rex: So this homeless guy asked me for change yesterday. T-Rex: The first thing I thought was, "Sure!" T-Rex: But then I thought, well, wait, if I really want to fight homelessness, wouldn't this money be better spent on community programs that fight it, both through helping the homeless, and through political change? But then I thought, well, this guy's right here, you know, and saying that I'm going to make a donation isn't gonna cut it. And then I thought, wait, this guy looks pretty out of it- is he going to spend my money on drugs? Do I want to tacitly support his addiction? Utahraptor: And then you thought how prejudiced that was? T-Rex: Sure did! T-Rex: And then I thought, even if he is going to spend it on drugs, is it my job to deny him money? Should I go around enforcing my morality on others? And then I thought, geez man, how ridiculous am I that a guy asking for change throws me into these throes of self-doubt and analysis? Utahraptor: Pretty ridiculous? T-Rex: Pretty ridiculous! But then I recalled Socrates "The unexamined life is not worth living" and at that point my head pretty much exploded. Utahraptor: Did you give the guy anything? T-Rex: I gave him my change and whispered "DON'T TELL ANYONE UNTIL I CAN FIGURE US OUT"? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=111 Narrator: PREVIOUSLY, ON "DINOSAUR COMICS". . . T-Rex: Today is a beautiful day to be stomping on things! As a dinosaur, stomping is the best part of my day indeed! T-Rex: I think the Dromiceiomimus has a crush on me! Dromiceiomimus: Want to come over for some "chai" tea? T-Rex: Sure! Utahraptor: You and the Dromiceiomimus had dinosaur sex?! T-Rex: Sure did! Utahraptor: And you played Scrabble without me? T-Rex: Yes! Can we continue this later? I have to go babysit a little pterodactyl. T-Rex: I lost the baby I was babysitting! T-Rex: I'm screwed! Narrator: AND NOW, THE CONCLUSION. . . qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1110 Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE ALL PROVERBS ARE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT: T-Rex: My bike broke because I had maintained it poorly. But you know what they say! T-Rex: "200 kilotons of prevention is worth 3200 kilotons of cure!" T-Rex: They also say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor in his house. Look: the doctor has no clients." Dromiceiomimus: Further, T-Rex, they go on to observe that "One bad apple spreads decay to other apples stored nearby. An entire barrel can easily be ruined in this manner." T-Rex: It's SO TRUE. Utahraptor: Hey, have you noticed how our proverbs are - a little awkward? T-Rex: Now that you mention it, I have! Utahraptor: It's like they're all poorly-phrased versions of things that could be condensed down. Like, "You are what you ingest, figuratively, and, in a sense, literally!" It's just weird. T-Rex: You'd expect that over time they'd condense down to their core meanings. But I guess that's our friggin' universe for you! Narrator: LATER, A LONG TRAIN RIDE HOME: T-Rex: "If there was a singular Dickens who had to pee, I would be SO like him right now." qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1111 T-Rex: Who was the dude sitting alone at the biggest table in a packed restaurant last night, waiting for friends who never came? It was ME! T-Rex: Friiiiiig! Dromiceiomimus: But it's tonight that we're all planning to meet for dinner! T-Rex: I know! I got the dates confused and there I was, Mr. No Friends Who Likes To Pretend. After about 30 minutes I started smiling at people who'd look at me and make this shrugging "Friends, huh? They sure are unreliable!" gesture, which I'd then follow up with a "I have lots of friends: hand signal. Looks like this. Utahraptor: So you were That Guy at the restaurant! T-Rex: I was! But then I started trying to own it, you know? T-Rex: I ordered this big appetizer platter "for my friends when they arrive" and distributed it so there was food for everyone, slowly picking at my share while the rest went cold. It was great. I perfected this heart-breakingly hopeful glance up whenever new people came it. Utahraptor: Oh man! T-Rex: Eventually I just stopped looking up at all, blankly staring at the chicken wing bones on my plate. Finally I ordered a piece of cake with a candle and sang "Happy birthday" to myself, quiet and soft. T-Rex: The waitress gave me the cake for free! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1112 T-Rex: I have the greatest idea for a movie! I've said this before but this time it's for serious. There's this cop, right? T-Rex: Right! T-Rex: And he's a "by-the-books" cop who does everything "by-the-books". But one day a big crime is committed and the only guy who knows anything about it is this criminal: a criminal who is prone to cracking wise! So the cop and the criminal have to team up to stop the bad guys before they commit crimes again. And at the end they have learned to respect each other's way of life, and they hug for a while. Five stars! Utahraptor: Aw, T-Rex, come on. Why would a "by-the-books" cop team up with a criminal? T-Rex: Um, TO SOLVE CRIMES?? Utahraptor: But he's by the books! I don't think there's anything in the "books" about deputizing criminals to go after other criminals. Why wouldn't he just interrogate him to get the information he needs? T-Rex: . . .The movie takes place on a planet where interrogation is banned. Movie Poster Text: On a PLANET where INTERROGATION is BANNED Movie Poster Text: One "BY THE BOOKS" COP and one WISE-CRACKING CRIMINAL have to TEAM UP to CATCH OTHER CRIMINALS Movie Poster Text: they eventually UNDERSTAND each other and HUG Movie Poster Text: also the cop is a DINOSAUR we should have put that on the TOP of the POSTER qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1113 T-Rex: So Columbus discovers America, right? Or at least, he REdiscovers the continent. He discovers it for Europe. Maybe not for the first time. T-Rex: Columbus popularizes the continent! T-Rex: And afterwards, what happens is what cooks call the "Columbian explosion", where fruits and vegetables brought back from the new world have a profound effect on the cooking in the old one! Tomatoes and potatoes are but two of the best-rhyming examples. When people back home discovered these vegetables, they started experimenting with them and coming up with all sorts of crazy, YET DELICIOUS, dishes! The Columbian explosion was an explosion of TASTE. Utahraptor: And now, Italian food is basically defined by the tomato! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: And we don't think "Irish cooking" without "potato", and South Korean food is big on Western peppers too! It must have been an exciting time, trying these new meals that nobody on the continent had ever tasted. Utahraptor: And they were SO GOOD, they supplemented or replaced existing cultural dishes! T-Rex: It makes me wish we could have something like that, you know? I'm TIRED of the same old vegetables. God: I COULD CREATE SOME NEW ONES T-Rex: And I'm TIRED of God offering to create new vegetables for me. God: TO THAT I CAN ONLY SAY God: BOLLOCKS qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1114 T-Rex: Okay MAYBE there were some downsides to the Columbian explosion. The old world got tomatoes and potatoes, AND corn and peanuts, AND rubber, AND cocoa, and in exchange gave the new world... lettuce? T-Rex: And also horses! T-Rex: And also the cholera and influenza and bubonic plague and typhoid fever, and um, smallpox. So basically the world got this explosion of new and tasty times, but also this exchange of disease, and just about every culture on Earth was affected. But what's neat is that we can look forward to the same thing if we ever encounter alien life! Utahraptor: Except it's unlikely that we'd be vulnerable to their diseases. T-Rex: Well... MAYBE. T-Rex: But we don;t know anything about alien life! Maybe they'll look just like us AND share diseases with us, but with pointier ears. And logic? Utahraptor: Or maybe they'll look like us, but, you know, ten times sexier. Everyone on Earth will feel bad about their bodies for the rest of time! Narrator: MEANWHILE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE THIS HAS HAPPENED: T-Rex: maybe... T-Rex: maybe i should get me some clothes qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1115 T-Rex: "We Need Leaders Who Actually Understand Technology." Ahem. Amelia and Antonio Tony stood in the bedroom. They were going to have sex! This is how things looked like they were going to me, the omniscient third-person narrator: sexy times ahoy. T-Rex: 'We need leaders who actually understand technology,' muttered Amelia! T-Rex: Antonio Tony nodded curtly, taking off his pants. It was so obvious. Amelia locked eyes with Antonio, paused, and took off her shirt. Antonio smiled appreciatively. 'There are so many bad laws passed through a misunderstanding of how computers actually work,' he thought. Amelia's breasts were pretty great. Antonio was hot too but THIS omniscient third-person narrator is into the ladies. Utahraptor: Writing more erotica, I see! T-Rex: This one's new! It's POLITICALLY CHARGED. T-Rex: "Soon Antonio and Amelia had sex and it was great. They decided they had a pretty good time. Suddenly, you find yourself agreeing... We Need Leaders Who Actually Understand Technology!" Utahraptor: It's written in the second person? T-Rex: In parts. Isn't it great? T-Rex: The book's slogan is, "Think Like Me, While You're Imagining Sex." qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1116 Narrator: T-REX'S EROTICA IS EXTREMELY POPULAR! T-Rex: Sweet! Narrator: BUT NOW, HE HAS A REPUTATION AS A PORN GUY. T-Rex: Aw boo! T-Rex: It sucks, Dromiceiomimus! People stop me in the street and say "I love your work", and what do you say to that? "I'm glad you found my stories arousing"? Because that's- that's what I say. Dromiceiomimus: Well, you're making people happy, and that's something, right? T-Rex: I say "I'm glad you found my stories arousing" and I shake their hand and I smile and stare at them for a long, unblinking moment. Utahraptor: Wow, so people really liked it! You're a celebrity! T-Rex: Yeah, but A SEX celebrity! It stinks! Utahraptor: I mean, and don't take this the wrong way, but I thought your erotica was pretty terrible! But I'm realizing I was approaching it expecting, you know, naughty tales, but your audience must have found something else they liked there! T-Rex: So maybe they DON'T like it for the sex! God: UM I LIKE IT FOR THE SEX T-REX T-Rex: LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH I can't hear you LAH LAH LAH what does God need with erotica anyway LAH LAH LAH LAH don't answer that LAH LAH LAH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1117 T-Rex: I would like to get thoughtful Christmas presents for all my friends and family, but I have a problem. T-Rex: I am just not that thoughtful a person! T-Rex: WHOOPS? Narrator: the end Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER AT THE MALL, T-REX TRIES A DIFFERENT TACK. T-Rex: Hey, Utahraptor, if your house was on fire, what one possession would you want to save? Utahraptor: My photo album, I guess? T-Rex: NO, I meant like, what replaceable, CONSUMER ELECTRONICS possession would you want to save? Also, you can't already have the possession. Utahraptor: Aw, T-Rex! I don't want to just tell you to buy me something. T-Rex: Is in an MP3 player? Look, they have MP3 players here! T-Rex: Aren't you always saying how you wish you could play your MP3s? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1118 Narrator: FRUSTRATION COMICS T-Rex: I have never been more frustrated than I am right now! I'm so frustrated I'm - I'm gonna write a swear on a wall! Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: There! It says: "poo". Narrator: THE END Narrator: FRUSTRATION COMICS II T-Rex: I'm frustrated again! Utahraptor: Me too! Utahraptor: I'm frustrated at my bank because they're all a bunch of sucker chumps! What are you frustrated at? T-Rex: I'm frustrated at my apparent inability to have a serious conversation about feelings without making jokes about how ridiculous all feelings are ever! T-Rex: Not that frustrated, though. I wrote "poo" on a wall! Utahraptor: Man, I hear that! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1119 T-Rex: If someone says something is "a whale of a good time", I'm expecting to see some marine life. T-Rex: Guys! I am not alone in this! T-Rex: The phrase has been ruined bye people making the obvious stupid joke. Now it's only used by zoos featuring whales, or by dads, when then are taking their kids to visit zoos featuring whales. It's also used by marine biologists, and dads, when they are taking their kids to visit marine biologists. IT'S NOT EVEN A GOOD JOKE! You are using the word "whale" when talking about a whale. That's not comedy! That's a literal use of adjectives. Utahraptor: So you don't want to see marine life when someone says "a whale of a good time"? T-Rex: Not always! T-Rex: It should mean "a good time that is large or immense: METAPHORICALLY like a whale", but the metaphor's broken because it's always used on literal friggin' whales. "Dog-gone great" is getting there too. But Im gonna fight it, one person at a time! Utahraptor: Well -- good luck! Narrator: Later, on a whale-watching tour: Whale Watcher: Wow, I'm having a WHA- T-Rex: YOU ARE HAVING AN ELEPHANT OF A GOOD TIME. Whale Watcher: You know what? I think I am! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=112 T-Rex: Well, if there has been a moral to my life over the past few days, it has been this: never lose a baby! T-Rex: Never do that! Narrator: T-REX IN Narrator: "NEVER LOSE A BABY" T-Rex: Never lose a baby, because if you do, the mother will be very angry until the baby is returned! T-Rex: Never lose a baby, because if you do, people likely won't trust you with babies in the future! Utahraptor: I've got one! Utahraptor: Never lose a baby, because if you do, you might be forced to pay for the loss with one of your own babies! T-Rex: That's true! Utahraptor: So what's the lesson here, T-Rex? T-Rex: Never lose a baby! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1120 T-Rex: Has there ever been a situation in which a tiger has eaten a penguin? T-Rex: And then the penguin is all, "DANG"? Dromiceiomimus: But those two animals would never meet in real life, right? T-Rex: Right! So that leaves us, the dinosaurs, to introduce the two species and watch one of them get gobbled! Have we done that? Or have we been shirking our Decadent Tops of the Food Chain responsibility of Unnatural Carnivore Pairings? Utahraptor: I don't get why you're so interested in this! T-Rex: PROBABLY because it's really interesting? T-Rex: I just figure it's a pretty short list of animals that haven't been eaten by a tiger, you know? And I don't know how many people have had the pleasure of seeing something eat something that that something has never eaten before, but I'd like to be one of those people. Utahraptor: But penguins are so cute! Narrator: SOON: Off-panel: Hey, who put the penguin in the tiger pit?! T-Rex: Whoever he is, I bet he's handsome! Off-panel: Aw FRIG, now the penguin has eaten the tiger! Off-panel: THERE'S A REASON WE KEEP THEM SEPARATED, EVERYONE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1121 T-Rex: What would be the best thing for me to do tonight? As I see it, I could do the dishes, or I could mop the floors, or I GUESS that I could invent an elixir that gives me the strength of twenty men. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Or I guess I could do all three! Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING: T-Rex: And that's the amazing true story of how I invented my elixir, Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: And it really works? It gives you the strength of twenty men? T-Rex: ALMOST. It actually gives me the strength of twenty girlfriends! T-Rex: They're tough girlfriends. Utahraptor: I'm uh, I'm still not really solid on what the elixir does. T-Rex: Strength! 20 girlfriends! Utahraptor: Yeah, I get that! So, what: the mental strength, self-confidence and I guess time-management skills intrinsic to having twenty girlfriends? T-Rex: No. What? I don't know how to explain it better. If twenty girlfriends can lift up a car then I can lift up that car too. Narrator: SPECIAL "A SOFTER WORLD" ENDING: Narrator: with the strength of 20 girlfriends I can lift up cars Narrator: i can juggle pianos Narrator: so i really don't see how winning your heart requires 21 qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1122 Doug: Hello, is Utahraptor there? T-Rex: Nope! He's still asleep. Doug: He slumbers still?! Doug: When he arises, inform him his friend Doug would have words with him. T-Rex: Sure thing? Narrator: BACKSTORY: UTAHRAPTOR WAS CRASHING ON THE COUCH LAST NIGHT BECAUSE IT WAS LATE AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE A CAB HOME. ALSO, DOUG KNEW ABOUT THIS. DOUG IS A FRIEND OF UTAHRAPTOR'S. HE CALLED ON SPEAKERPHONE. T-REX IS SPENDING THIS PANEL SASSING THE WAY DOUG TALKS BUT LOOK AT ME. I NARRATED ALL OVER IT. Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: I don't see why you're making fun of Doug! T-Rex: He talks like a 1920s villain! Utahraptor: So, whatever! He talks like he's a 1920s serial villain. We all have idiolects. For example, you're a man who says "dude" and "awsome" in places where he could instead simply say "chap" and "I say, that's quite agreeable." T-Rex: Yeah, but chap, you know what I don't say? T-Rex: I don't say, "He slumbers still? Alack! One thousand curses! When the Sandman's spell at last lies vanquished at his feet, give him good heed: Doug has come calling." Utahraptor: Maybe you should though. T-Rex: I know, right? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1123 T-Rex: Oh man! I've just had an elephant of a good idea! T-Rex: TOUCH-o-vision! T-Rex: Smell-o-vision has been tried, and vision and hearing are taken care of, but two senses remain yet untapped! Taste-o-vision sounds disgusting, but - there's so much potential for touch-o-vision! Dromiceiomimus: Like what? T-Rex: Like it's a boxing movie, and whenever the underdog hero gets punched, you get punched! You'd start to think, "MAN, I hope that guy wins! Then I'd get punched less!" Utahraptor: This - you know this is a terrible idea, right? T-Rex: I admit only that there are issues. Utahraptor: Issues! You're building a robotic punching machine that can punch a whole room of people at once! What if the elderly were in the audience? What if it was calibrated wrong and punched through a guy? T-Rex: Ooh, what if? What if? Here's a what if for you: WHAT IF I MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS? Narrator: TESTING THE PUNCHING MACHINE: T-Rex: Ow! What the hell, Punchbot? Punchbot: ERROR 14: I LIKE PUNCHING qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1124 T-Rex: I know it's terrible, and I know many people are like this. But I can't deny it any longer! I am that guy! T-Rex: I am that guy who goes to stand up comedy and thinks, "MAN, I could TOTALLY do that!" T-Rex: And I know the best comics just make it look easy and I know it's hard to get a room full of strangers to laugh, but NEVERTHELESS, I am utterly convinced that I could do it. Dromiceiomimus: So then, do it T-Rex! Write some material, sign up for an amateur night, and do it! T-Rex: You know what? I will! Utahraptor: Are you serious? You're serious about this? T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: Then count me in too. I've always kinda wanted to try that, and even if we bomb, it will at least be fun! T-Rex: Exactly! And if we get some friends in the audience, at least THEY can laugh. T-Rex and Utahraptor: We've got to go write some material! Narrator: FOR THE NEXT THREE WEEKS: T-Rex's thoughts: Huh! Instead of writing "I rode a horse", I wrote "I wrode a horse"! T-Rex's thoughts: I COULD USE THIS IN MY ACT. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1125 T-Rex: You know what would be the worst? Meeting someone who was ACTUALLY NAMED "Al Coholic". T-Rex: And he actually IS an alcoholic! T-Rex: And he hasn't changed his name and he hates it and he drinks all the time. And everyone laughs when they hear his name, and then they get to know him and discover his illness and they feel awful. They begin to wonder if their laughter makes him drink. Dromiceiomimus: But why wouldn't he just go by "Albert"? Or "Alberto"? T-Rex: Maybe he's searching for an answer to that question, Dromiceiomimus... at the bottom of a bottle. Utahraptor: T-Rex, come on, this is ultra dumb. T-Rex: I'm just saying! It would be the worst. T-Rex: If you were his friend you'd always say "Come on Al, stop drinking, change your name. At least go by your middle name." And then he'd take a swig from the bottle, wipe his mouth with the back of his hand, and tell you his middle name is "Choc". Utahraptor: And then he'd eat a chocolate? T-Rex: He probably would! Man! T-Rex: Poor Al! T-Rex: I've never felt worse for inventing someone! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1126 T-Rex: I am a guy who likes to keep his hopes and dreams SECRET. This is because, if I fail to achieve them, then only I know that I screwed up! T-Rex: Works for me! T-Rex: It's like, say I tell everyone I want to be an astronaut, right? And now it's 20 years later and I'm not an astronaut and it's some stupid "what have you done with your life" reunion and everyone's like "HEY T-REX, HOW'S THE ASTRONAUT LIFESTYLE? IS IT - IS IT PRETTY ACHIEVEABLE?" T-Rex: I'd much rather they say, "What did T-Rex say he wanted to be? I can't recall! I bet it's what he is now, though." Utahraptor: But everyone wanted to be an astronaut! T-Rex: Perhaps! T-Rex: But not everyone wanted to, say, be in a committed relationship and own a house before they were 25. Utahraptor: Hah! You wanted that? T-Rex: SEE? SEE? This is why I keep my hopes and dreams to myself. Narrator: SECRETLY T-Rex (thought bubble): it would be great if one day i rode in a hot air balloon and threw down candy at people so they liked me more. T-Rex (thought bubble): aw, who am i kidding? T-Rex (thought bubble): folks will just make fun qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1127 T-Rex: Hypothesis: all movie titles can be made better by the addition of the word "Friggin'". T-Rex: Proff by selected examples! T-Rex: Back To The Friggin' Future! T-Rex: Bill And Ted's Excellent Friggin' Adventure; The Ten Friggin' Commandments; Honey, I Shrunk The Friggin' Kids! Dromiceiomimus: What about Gone With The Friggin' Wind, Casa-Friggin'-Blanca, and It's A Friggin' Wonderful Life? T-Rex: Some Like It Friggin' Hot? Utahraptor: Come on, this is all the same joke! T-Rex: DENIED! T-Rex: There is nuance, subtlety in the placement of the Friggin'. Contrast and compare The Friggin' Sound of Music; Guess Who's Coming to Friggin' Dinner; Big Friggin' Trouble in Little Friggin' China; and Yes, Virginia, There Is A Friggin' Santa Claus. Utahraptor: Okay, I think I get it! Utahraptor: Pride and Friggin' Prejudice. T-Rex: Right on! Utahraptor: Look Who's Friggin' Talking! T-Rex: Yes!! Utahraptor: FRIGGIN' THE GHOSTBUSTERS! T-Rex: ...You're doing it wrong. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1128 Narrator: IT'S WEDNESDAY! HOW ARE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS T-rex: I would rate my relationships: T-rex: Pretty okay! Dromiceiomimus: My relationships are fine too! I broke up with the guy I was dating, but it's cool. T-rex: What was the reason? Dromiceiomimus: He punned too often? And they weren't even, like, good puns. They were always the same puns. T-rex: Sometimes you want to eat corn without hearing how corny it is. Dromiceiomimus: This is what I'm saying! Utahraptor: My relationships are fine too! T-rex: How Are They? Utahraptor: WELL, I've been seeing this new guy, and it's nice. We went out to a movie last night and he held my hand when the lights went down. It was classy! And things are good with you? T-rex: Yep! Let me tell you man, these days when the phone rings, I think it might be a girl! Narrator: LOOKS LIKE THIS: *ring* qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1129 T-Rex: I have recently acquired some snake oil, and it has inspired me to compile a list of professions that have been ruined by lexicalized phrases! T-Rex: First: snake oil salesmen! T-Rex: Since the phrase now means "con artist", nobody wants to be a snake oil salesman! But I presume there was a point when a man could procure some snake oil and go door-to-door selling it, and maybe those guys wrecked it for the rest of us. Maybe they were all chumps. MAYBE they were all, in fact, SUPERCHUMPS. Utahraptor: That may actually be the case! T-Rex: I knew it!! Utahraptor: Yeah, early Western entrepreneurs tried to duplicate the successful Chinese snake oil they saw, but it failed to recognize the reason it had SOME effect was Chinese water snakes are high in eicosapentaenic acid, an anti inflammatory agent! Western snakes aren't, and so their medicine didn't work. Utahraptor: But they sold it anyway, often as a universal panacea! T-Rex: PANACEA?! THAT'S THE SECRET WORD OF THE DAY! T-Rex and Utahraptor: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=113 T-Rex: Lost babies turn up in the strangest places! For instance... T-Rex: Under the couch! Dromiceiomimus: Are you implying that you found the baby pterodactyl you lost- -under the couch? T-Rex: That's where he was! T-Rex: Under the couch! Of all the places for a lost baby to be... Utahraptor: You own a couch?! T-Rex: Yes, I bought it "on layaway" . Utahraptor: Can I come over and see it sometime? T-Rex: Sure! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1130 T-Rex: OH MY GOD. I just realized that yesterday when Utahraptor said "universal panacea", he was using a pleonasm! T-Rex: (Pleonasm is the use of redundant, unnecessary words to express an idea!) T-Rex: Hah hah! This is Utahraptor: "Hey, T-Rex, do you want to drink some cola-flavoured Coca-Cola brand carbonated cola beverages? Perhaps afterwards we'll take the public transport large road vehicle bus and buy with money or credit some submarine sub sandwiches?" T-Rex: That's TOTALLY HIM, Domiceiomimus! Utahraptor: IT WAS A STYLISTIC CHOICE! T-Rex: Sorry? Could your vocal chords and mouth repeat that? Utahraptor: Pleonasms have legitimate uses! For example, if I wasn't sure my audience (YOU, T-Rex) would know what "panacea" meant, I might use a similar word, allowing you to deduce some of my semantics without needing an explanation. T-Rex: Maybe after the subs sandwiches we could go to a water lake beach shore? T-Rex: We could go to the water lake beach shore in our water lake beach shore swimming shorts for swimming? In water? Utahraptor: You know what? FINE. T-Rex: BUT IT'S WINTER!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1131 T-Rex: Science dudes! T-Rex: I have some bad news! T-Rex: I think that time travel might not actually be possible! T-Rex: Because say I travel to the future and take back some sweet future technology: let us say, hoverbikes. Nice! And then people in the present can examine the hoverbikes and see how they work to duplicate them, which is also nice, until we get to the future and the guy who invented hoverbikes won't do it anymore because they've already been invented! He doesn't want to be a copycat. Assume for the sake of argument that he doesn't want to be a copycat. Utahraptor: So, what? You've got a paradox! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: The creativity that was required to create hoverbikes has been erased! Who had the insight now? Utahraptor: It's a paradox! Those are what happen when you travel through time. T-Rex: But they're inventions without an inventor and you can do the same thing with works of art! T-Rex: Science dudes, are you even listening to me?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1132 T-Rex: Dear body! Here are some things you need to stop doing! T-Rex: Aging? T-Rex: Also, making weird noises. Dromiceiomimus: Hah! What kind of noises? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, yesterday I'm sitting there and my belly kind of goes "tweeeeet?" like it's a, a, a bird or something. What's with you, belly? I know you're there, yes! I don't need a "tweeeeet" to say hello. I just put food in you and that is gonna have to be INTRODUCTION ENOUGH. Utahraptor: Got any other body complaints? T-Rex: As a matter of fact, I DO. T-Rex: One, my body needs to survive in space, two, it needs to be able to eat paper in an emergency, three, flight would be nice, also, four, sometimes when I'm sleeping I get a cramp in my leg muscles and I have to punch the muscles. Utahraptor: Four is the worst? T-Rex: Four is the worst! Also, FIVE, I wish my body would poop more instead of putting on weight. Utahraptor (off-screen): Okay! I'm done with this conversation. T-Rex: No, seriously! Because - T-Rex: because i don't like being fat and pooping is good times qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1133 Narrator: SITUATIONS IN WHICH TO USE "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" T-Rex: There are many situations in which "that's what she said!" may be appropriately used! For example, after someone says, uh, T-Rex: "What a good date!" Dromiceiomimus: That's TERRIBLE. T-Rex, you're supposed to use it to recontextualize an innocuous statement into a double entendre, not to indicate that both people on the date were happy. Here, say it after I stop talking. "You can stay in my guest house for a week." T-Rex: That's what SHE said! Dromiceiomimus: See? Actually, no, that's not so great either. T-Rex: Well, you can use "that's what she said!" when telling a story, too! Utahraptor: Literally? T-Rex: Yeah, like - "Anneke said 'How do you do.' To clarify, that's what SHE said!" Utahraptor: Ug. Here, look: "T-Rex, that certainly took a long time and I didn't enjoy it at all." T-Rex: That's what SHE said! Utahraptor: Hah! T-Rex: Finally! Normally this isn't so hard! Utahraptor: That's what S- T-Rex: Utahraptor, don't interrupt! I WAS SAYING, normally it doesn't take me THIS long to finish with something good, even if it's just a little ejaculation. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1134 Narrator: CLIMATE CHANGE COMICS T-Rex: CLIMATE CHANGE, huh? T-Rex: There certainly is a lot of climate that's CHANGING, right? Right?! Can I get a witness? T-Rex: Or MAYBE, climate isn't changing at all. Or maybe it is, but who cares because it's all someone else's fault! T-Rex: or maybe the climate is supposed to change because we all got new swimmin' trunks Utahraptor: That is without exaggeration, T-Rex, the weakest comment on climate change that I have ever heard, or am ever likely to hear! Utahraptor: You've distilled an important issue down to "something might be happening I dunno, maybe??" Also, you don't even mention human influence on the climate, which is a serious concern! T-Rex: Serious concern? I just stepped on a tiny woman, so her only influence on the climate is that now she's dead. T-Rex: In the climate. T-Rex: Right now she's probably saying "OH MAN WHAT A CHANGE FOR ME! A CLIMATE CHANGE, THAT IS!!" T-Rex: Hey, remember when there were frogs? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1135 Narrator: T-REX HAS YET TO FIND CHRISTMAS PRESENTS FOR ANYONE. AGAIN. COME ON, T-REX T-Rex: No problem! I have the whole weekend to find Christmas presents! I'll get great gifts no matter - Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: T-Rex: - what. What? Where the heck did Saturday do? What - Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: T-Rex: - the heck? SUNDAY is gone too? T-Rex: Okay. I have today to find presents. I'm safe just as long as I don't end up SOMEHOW skipping a day ahead in the narrative of my life and missing out on the whole entire - Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: T-Rex: - day! To repeat, Utahraptor, I did zero shopping yesterday. Utahraptor: There's still time! T-Rex: I know! Thank - Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: Utahraptor: - you for your very thoughtful present, T-Rex! It was fantastic. Just what I wanted, but never knew I needed! And it reflects both my AND your personalities perfectly. T-Rex: I'm glad you like it! What, uh, what was it I got you again? Utahraptor: You know! The re- Narrator: ONE DAY LATER: T-Rex: -mix of "Layla" and "Smells like Teen Spirit" into one song. So everyone can listen to both of my favourite songs at the same time! Utahraptor: That would be a good task for the new year, yes. T-Rex: This is what I keep saying! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1136 T-Rex: I love punch! I love drinking delicious punch, PROBABLY because of how it's so delicious. T-Rex: Hooray for punch! Dromiceiomimus: Are you mentioning punch because the party tonight is so liable to feature punch, T-Rex? T-Rex: QUITE LIKELY! I don't know why I'm suddenly so into what is essentially juice mixed with maybe pop or alcohol, served in a fancy bowl with spoons, but I'm running with it. Dromiceiomimus: Well I guess I'll see you there tonight, punch in hand. T-Rex: Oh God yes. Narrator: AT THE PARTY T-Rex: Man, this party even has a stomping room! I'm totally going to get some punch soon. Utahraptor: Okay, T-Rex! Utahraptor: All you're doing is talking about delicious punch. Why not just go get some? T-Rex: Dude, I'm gonna! I'm gonna go get in line for some punch RIGHT NOW! Utahraptor: Okay then! Narrator: SOON! T-Rex: Is this the punch line? Stage Right: This is the line for the bathroom! T-Rex: So - you're saying there is no punch line? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1137 T-Rex: What did the depressed snowman say to his dog? T-Rex: "Snowbody loves me!" Dromiceiomimus: But why did he say it to his dog? Was it because all his friends were flakes? T-Rex No. That's good, though. T-Rex: He said it to his dog because snowbody loved him. He had snow friends! Utahraptor: Aw man, this is all the same joke! T-Rex: Snow it's not! Utahraptor: Snyes, it it. It's the same snow joke over and over, and anyone could do it, and it's not funny! T-Rex: It is so funny! Listen. I told these jokes to a snowman and he laughed. Narrator: EARLIER: Snowman: that's racist qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1138 T-Rex: A lot of my friends are having babies. Book Cover: BABIES: "WHAT'S THE DEAL?" Book Cover: a book by t-rex T-Rex: That's what I say to them! They say, T-Rex, Marcia and I are expecting a little bundle of joy. And I say, Ted, I respect you and love you as a friend, but I have to ask - what's the deal? What is the deal with the BABIES. Utahraptor: The deal is that they're building a family and propagating the species! T-Rex: That's just part of the deal! T-Rex: As a man who is "without babies", the idea of being in charge of another person's life seems insane. That's a lot of responsibility, and I have no idea if I'm qualified for that - or if anyone ELSE is, for that matter. So I have to ask - Utahraptor: "What's the deal?" T-Rex: With the babies, yes. Book Cover: "OKAY, THANKS FOR WRITING IN TO TELL ME WHAT ALL THE DEALS WERE WITH YOUR BABIES" Book Cover: "IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1139 Narrator: STORIES FOR MEN T-Rex: Men! We like stories, right? Three voices outside the picture: Right! T-Rex: But they have to be good stories. Stories with plots in which there are good guys and bad guys, and then some explosions happen to them! Dromiceiomimus: You sure like explosions, huh? T-Rex: In a good story, they function as punctuation marks. Hamlet says "To be or not to be", and the building behind him blows up. It is spectacular. The audience whispers, "Yes. This is what Shakespeare meant." Utahraptor: So your story is Hamlet only with explosions instead of punctuation. T-Rex: You say it like it's not fantastic! Utahraptor: Do the characters even react to the explosions at all? T-Rex: Sometimes they go off in the background and they barely glance over their shoulder at them. Sometimes they outrun them down halls or by climbing up ladders real fast. It depends on the scene, you know? Narrator: THE ULTIMATE STORY FOR MEN T-Rex: Hamlet sips some whiskey while punching a man in the nose! Ophelia says she's crazy for him and they go on a helicopter ride. A ghost appears, and when Hamlet high fives him he explodes! Then Denmark explodes. T-Rex: Later, Ophelia's topless! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=114 T-Rex: I have compiled a list of people I enjoy seeing! A list, if you will... T-Rex: ... of my friends! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you are on my list of friends! Dromiceiomimus: Um - thanks? T-Rex: Think nothing of it! T-Rex: Tiny woman, you are NOT on my list! Prepare for a stomping! Utahraptor: What are you doing?! T-Rex: Well, Utahraptor, I'm glad you asked. I've compiled a list of my friends and I am stomping on those who are not on my list! Utahraptor: Wow, you must have a lot of stomping to do. T-Rex: Why yes, as a matter of fact I - T-Rex: HEY! You're off the list! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1140 T-Rex: My stories for men were a huge success - but I've excluded half of my potential market! Narrator: STORIES FOR WOMEN T-Rex: I've got a great idea, Dromiceiomimus: stories for women! Stories with FEELINGS. Stories where someone sighs deeply while looking at a photograph of someone else! In the photograph that someone else is ALSO sighing deeply. Dromiceiomimus: That's what you think women want? Seriously? T-Rex: Ha ha, of course not! This was just a hilarious test. Um. Utahraptor: Okay, so let's hear your real "stories for women" then! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: NO PROBLEM. T-Rex: Two attractive people meet and fall in love. Then they take baths and hug. Utahraptor: Hah hah hah! "Take baths and hug"? T-Rex: IT'S WHAT WOMEN WANT Narrator: THAT EVENING, TAKING A SHOWER: T-Rex: Man, if this were a bath, and there was a woman here, and I was hugging her? T-Rex: I'd be totally set! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1141 Narrator: STORIES FOR KIDS T-Rex: This one's easy! T-Rex: that's because kids are EASILY ENTERTAINED. They just want bright colors that flash and spin! I can take care of that with a kaleidoscope. A story about a kaleidoscope, I mean. Dromiceiomimus: So you're aiming for the under-six market? T-Rex: No, no! I want twelve year olds too. So ah, the kaleidoscope can transform into a ninja turtle, who can mutate into a robot. Or a barbie. or a horse. T-Rex: Or horse-Barbie. Done! Utahraptor: And so this is your ultimate story for kids? T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: If by "story" you mean "franchise", anyway. I don't know. I think i've lost focus. Utahraptor: Why not focus on either babies OR children? That way you don't have to cater to both the "words are hard" and the "these early stages of puberty unsettle us all" demographics. Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: Excuse me, child! Your early stages of puberty: they...they - Child (off screen): They unsettle us all, I know. Child (off screen): *sigh* qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1142 T-Rex: Oh, the things I could do if I had a rubber mallet! [[T-Rex is daydreaming]] Voice from outside the panel: "Hey! Who hit me with this rubber mallet" T-Rex: But wait! This is one idle daydream that I can make come true! Dromiceiomimus, how much does a rubber mallet cost? Dromiceiomimus: I don't know - a few dollars? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: I have a few dollars!! T-Rex: Quick! To the hardware store! Utahraptor: I'm coming! But only because I need a mallet too. T-Rex: No, you're coming because this is a Mallet Party! The only tool we're going to have is rubber mallets, which function as hammers, and then all of our problems are going to look like nails. Oh yes. Utahraptor: FINE. That's why I'm coming. T-Rex: This is going to be so great! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: They were out of rubber mallets, so I bought a vegetable steamer instead. Now all my problems look like vegetables in need of a good steaming! T-Rex: I've - T-Rex: I've made worse purchases qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1143 T-Rex: There was a man freestyle rapping outside my window last night. Narrator: EARLIER: Freestyle Rap Man: My name's not important and I'm here to say / That I've been outside rapping for most of today! T-Rex: It was pretty okay! His rhymes were moderately tight, too! Dromiceiomimus: When was this? T-Rex: About 4am! I woke up to it, which was surreal. It ended when I guess someone dissed him from across the street or behind some bushes or something? Heyelled "Who said that?!" and ran off down the street. Utahraptor: Was the rap directed at you, T-Rex? Were you being "rap serenaded"? T-Rex: No, man! T-Rex: It was like he was walking down the street rapping to himself, and just happened to stop outside my place when his flow got going. I can respect that! I kinda want to be that guy, you know? Utahraptor: What was he rapping about? T-Rex: All sorts of topics, really! Narrator: EARLIER: Freestyle Rap Man: My freestyle rap is a bunch of crap; I got low self esteem and that's about that T-Rex's thoughts: Awww! Freestyle Rap Man: Wait, my esteem got a lot better / When my grandmom bought me that nice new sweater! T-Rex's thoughts: Grandmoms are great for that! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1144 {{i wrote this after reading jeremy tinder's "black ghost apple factory" which i recommend whole-heartedly for the strip "robots don't say i love you"}} Narrator: T-REX IS IN LOVE WITH YOU. T-Rex: ...What? T-Rex: I'm not! Narrator: YES HE IS. HE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU AND HE WANT TO KISS YOU. T-Rex: I'm not! I don't! T-Rex: ...Kiss whom? Narrator: HE WANT TO WELCOME YOU HOME FROM WORK. Utahraptor: What's going on? T-Rex: I don't know! Narrator: THEN HE WANT TO MAKE SOME OF THE SEX WITH YOU. THAT'LL BE NICE. T-Rex: You don't hear that? Utahraptor: Uh, no. Utahraptor: Are you alright? T-Rex: Apparently not? Narrator: T-REX LOVES YOU AND HE'S GOING TO PROVE IT. TONIGHT HE'S GOING TO EAT TOO MUCH DINNER AND THEN GO TO BED EARLY. THEN YOU'LL KNOW. T-Rex: I was gonna do that anyway! T-Rex: Whatever!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1145 T-Rex: I have invented the best way to reveal the prejudices and preconceptions of my friends. T-Rex: Reverse lightbulb jokes! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'll give you the punchline and you'll supply the identifiable social group to be mocked, okay? The puchline is: "Just one: they hold the lightbulb still while the world revolves around them." Dromiceiomimus: Easy! "How many socialites does it take to change a lightbulb?" T-Rex: INTERESTING. God: DO ME Utahraptor: Do me! T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: Um, okay: "Just one, but it doesn't matter: they'll never see the light anyway." God: ENTHUSIASTS OF THINGS THAT I AM NOT A FAN OF Utahraptor: Blind people! T-Rex: Oh snap! Wow. Classy, guys! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Alright, last one, everyone! "Both of them." Person 1: Honest politicians! Person 2: Actually important bloggers! Person 3: People at work who I haven't had sex with! T-Rex: Pardon? Person 3: See, I have a lot of sex. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1146 Narrator: AMAZING AND TRUE STORIES FROM THE LIFE OF UTAHRAPTOR Narrator: also starring T-REX Narrator: This morning I skipped breakfast and met T-Rex for lunch. He seemed excited. He always seems excited. Narrator: I asked him why, and it turned out that Dromiceiomimus had a customer service issue with a shipping company, and wanted T-Rex to call because he's better at these sorts of things. They'd failed to deliver her package four times now. T-Rex already has "suckified delivery companies" on his revenge list (he'd said), so he was pleased to call. He spent ten minutes listing all the ways suckified delivery companies had made his life worse, got a full head of steam, and called them up. Long story short, the package had actually been delivered that morning. T-Rex claims victory. Narrator: I actually ran into him (almost literally) later that afternoon, and we discussed it some more. Narrator: My contrarian position (I freely admit it) was that he was wrong to chew out the lady on the phone: with companies this size, there's no way she was responsible for the package. Responsibility is so diffused that really, nobody is responsible - it's a system failure, and the person in the call centre can't change the system. He replied that as his only contact point, agents should expect complaints and offer solutions - he's not going to make allowances for someone else's broken system. We agreed to differ. Narrator: I realize that this is my diary for the new year, and all I've written about so far is T-Rex. the responsibility for this, I feel, lies solely in this Christmas gift "stationary" from T-Rex himself. He's drawn himself in every panel, and the same pre-printed title takes up all the space in the first one. Still - grocery shopping's more fun. T-Rex: pick up eggs T-Rex eggs are great T-Rex you can put them on your plate qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1147 T-Rex (thinking): People will DEFINITELY pay for a robot that "accidentally" steals all their girlfriends! Narrator: BAD IDEAS COMICS Narrator: LATER: Dromiceiomimus (thinking): Has anyone ever made a doctor-themed parody of Back to the Future, called "Back to the Suture"? Dromiceiomimus (thinking): I should probably do that. Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor (thinking): skin flavoured jello T-Rex (thinking): utahraptor's skin flavoured jello Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (thinking): I should make a comic where famed scientist Francis Bacon teams up with a guy named "Eggs", so they can be called Bacon and Eggs. In issue two, Francis could mistakenly rename himself to "Chris P."! Chris P. Bacon! T-Rex (thinking): OH MY GOD Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (thinking): I'm still thinking about Chris P. Bacon qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1148 God: HEY T-REX REMEMBER WHEN WE STOLE THE KILOGRAM T-Rex: Sure do! God: LET'S STEAL SOMETHING ELSE God: SOME-THING God: FROM HISTORY Narrator: LATER: God: MAN I GOT ARRESTED Narrator: the end God: HEY T-REX REMEMBER WHEN I WAS ARRESTED T-Rex: Sure do! Utahraptor: Sure do what? T-Rex: oh. I, uh, I sure do like that colour on you Utahraptor! Utahraptor: What? what colur? The colour of my skin? You're saying you like the colour of my skin? T-Rex: It - uh, T-Rex: it goes well with your eyes T-Rex: Man what's the deal with nobody hearing you but me, God? It's a hassle! God: WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH ME GETTING FRIGGIN ARRESTED BACK THERE God: CAN I CREATE AN OBJECT SO VALUABLE EVEN I CAN'T HEIST IT God: IS MY QUESTION qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1149 T-Rex: I have the best joke for Dromiceiomimus! T-Rex: Is it my curse to ALWAYS have the best jokes? T-Rex: Okay, Dromiceiomimus! Here is the best joke ever for you. It's way better than all other jokes. Dromiceiomimus: I'm listening! T-Rex: So I went to the chiropractor, right? And he examined me and said "what happened to your back?" and I smiled at him and I said "well, Doc, let me tell you the BACKstory!" Dromiceiomimus:That- that was terrible. T-Rex: Man, she's right! It WAS terrible. Utahraptor: What if you're out of jokes, T-Rex? T-Rex: WHAT? Utahraptor: Yeah, what if you were born with a set number of funny jokes, and now you've used them all up? T-Rex: Don't even joke about that, Utahraptor! I rely on my sense of humour as a social lubricant! It's the secret to how come girls want to kiss me sometimes. Narrator: LATER THAT DAY: T-Rex: Mr. Tusks! What if I'm clean out of funny jokes? Mr. Tusks: That would be a TINY bit inconvenient for me T-Rex! I need you to write a joke for my speech tomorrow to the Chiropractor's Union. T-Rex: noooooooo qwantz.com/index.php?comic=115 Narrator: LOVE COMICS T-Rex: Ooh! Narrator: SEX COMICS T-Rex: Oooooh! T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus, which is better: love or sex? Dromiceiomimus: I'm a big fan of sex. T-Rex: I see! Utahraptor: T-Rex, I have big news! T-Rex: Before you tell me, which is better: love or sex? Utahraptor: Love AND sex. T-Rex: That wasn't an option. Utahraptor: It never is, with you! T-Rex: Hey! T-Rex: Come back here! Narrator: THE END qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1150 T-Rex: Guys, guys! God: WHAT T-Rex: Our universe is almost certainly a simulation! God: SHIIIIIIIIT T-Rex: I know, right? T-Rex: Because check it out: if you assume that computers will continue to get better, then it stands to reason that one day we'll be able to simulate an entire universe. And then there'll be a day shortly afterwards when we can simulate universe on our cell phones! And once you imagine this possibility, what are the odds that OUR universe is the one real one? It's much more likely that all creation is running in the background of some future dude's iPhone 3K! Utahraptor: Seriously? You're seriously arguing this old idea. T-Rex: I am, yes! Utahraptor: But T-Rex, think of all the stories in which the characters are running around in a realistic universe, unaware that they're fictional! DUDE! It's overwhelmingly likely that WE'RE in a story right now! T-Rex: That's stupid. Utahraptor: That's your theory, stripped of it's trendy technology. God: UTAHRAPTOR HAS A POINT THERE T-Rex: noooooooooo qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1151 T-Rex: Ghost have got to be the saddest thing ever! They're dead people PLUS they're blind. T-Rex: That's right, I said it! Ghosts are blind! T-Rex: They HAVE to be, because they're invisible! And light needs to hit something to be seen, and if ghosts have transparent eyes they're not going to see anything. PLUS you can walk right through a ghost, so sound waves will pass through them too. They're deaf and blind most of the time, and when they do become a little visible, the world that fades into focus around them is filled with people screaming at them in terror. It's so sad! Utahraptor: You're picking apart the science of ghost senses, but accept the fact of their invisibility? T-Rex: Yep! T-Rex: Ghosts have to be invisible, at least part of the time - that's what makes them ghosts! But if you accept that, it's fun to try to see how ghostlike you can make them without making any FURTHER assumptions. Utahraptor: But our friend Zach is a ghost, and he's not blind OR deaf! T-Rex's thought bubble: Aw, heck. T-Rex's thought bubble: I hate being reminded of Zach. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1152 T-Rex: The curses of the Greek gods: T-Rex: not actually that bad! T-Rex: For example: Prometheus! T-Rex: Guy gives fire back to mortals, and as punishment by Zeus he's chained to a rock and has his liver eaten by a vulture every day. T-Rex: But his liver magically regenerates overnight! Dromiceiomimus: So? T-Rex: So Prometheus' liver is a perfectly clean, natural and renewable fuel source! T-Rex: He doles out to the world a small amount of an INFINITE SUPPLY of biofeul daily. T-Rex: Way to go, Prometheus! Utahraptor: Seems like a pretty painful way to go through life! T-Rex: Still, it's not that bad. Utahraptor: What about Cassandra, prescient but cursed so that nobody believes her? T-Rex: Screw everyone else! T-Rex: She can avoid falling pianos and win the lottery. T-Rex: BOO HOO. T-Rex: And before you say "Sisyphus", he's immortal, PLUS he's got time to ponder the universe, PLUS a buff bod. T-Rex: All I'm saying is, it wouldn't be terrible. Narrator: MANY MONTHS LATER: TV: Up next, we have a man who claims he was cursed by a Greek god, and who has preternatural knowledge of what the winning clips will be on every episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. T-Rex: It's not that bad!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1153 Narrator: A DAY OF DISAPPOINTMENTS! Narrator: STARRING T-REX THE TALKING DINOSAUR T-Rex: Oh wow, is that a quarter on the ground? T-Rex: Oh, it's one someone glued to the ground as a joke. T-Rex: Hah hah Narrator: LATER: Unknown: Free chocolate bars! Utahraptor: Woo hoo! Unknown: To anyone under the age of 12! T-Rex and Utahraptor: Awwwww! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex (thought bubble): How old am I? 27? T-Rex (thought bubble): Wow, I was DEFINITELY expecting to be married by now. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1154 Off Panel: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus. T-Rex: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus? T-Rex: There's a boxing kangaroo at the circus! T-Rex: It's so great, Dromiceiomimus! It's a real boxing kangaroo with big red boxing gloves, like in the zeitgeist, AND in cartoons! And he boxes a person so hard that they get their hat knocked off and then when they go to pick up their hat, he boxes them in the butt!! T-Rex: WE HAVE TO GO. Dromiceiomimus: Okay! Utahraptor: Did I just hear you say T-Rex and Utahraptor: "boxing kangaroo"?! T-Rex: You sure did! Dromiceiomimus and I are going! You should come. You should come because the kangaroo is going to solve his problems with his fists, and when he's done his problems are gonna be solved RIGHT IN THE FACE. Utahraptor: Heck, I'm not busy. Let's go right now! Narrator: AT THE CIRCUS: T-Rex: Hah hah! What's the matter, monocle guy? You don't like being boxed by a kangaroo??? Monocle Guy: I'm not allowed to punch back because that would be animal cruelty! T-Rex: Hah! Monocle guy! The kangaroo just punched off your monocle! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1155 T-Rex: Natural gas in its natural state is colorless and odourless, right. But when it's sold, we add a distinctively smelly chemical to it, so that gas leaks can easily be detected! T-Rex: This provides an opportunity for AMPLE PRANKS of HILARITY. T-Rex: All I have to do is find out what that odorant is, get some myself, and spread it around someplace! People will think that there's a gas leak when REALLY, all there will be is... um - Dromiceiomimus: Tertiary-butyl mercaptan. T-Rex: Tertiary-butyl mercaptan! Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is a very terrible idea. T-Rex: See, I thought it was too, but then I thought, maybe it's not? Utahraptor: Nope, it's terrible. Why not forget about t-butyl mercaptan and instead get your hands on some cadaverine and putrescine, which are the organic compounds responsible for how a corpse smells? It's a much more hilarious joke! T-Rex: Daaaamn! That IS a much more hilarious joke! Narrator: LATER: Off-panel: It smells like gas and corpses in here. T-Rex: Guys! That's me! T-Rex: *I* did that! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1156 Narrator: T-REX VISITS A GHOST TOWN. T:Rex: Attention, any ghosts that can hear me! I have one thing to say to you: T:Rex: this is awesome Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: It was great, Dromiceiomimus: a whole town that had been abandoned! All these collapsing buildings and rusting machines. It was APOCALYPSE PORN. Dromiceiomimus: I'd love to see it! T-Rex: We should go! It's so great. You get a glimpse of what the world would be like if it all went wrong, and we all died tomorrow! Utahraptor: What actually happened to the town? T-Rex: The mine dried up and everyone moved away! T-Rex: But the buildings are still there, and they're great. It's clich?, but walking around you see all these amazing little tokens of previous life: a forgotten doll, a can of food long since unidentifiable... Dromiceiomimus and I are going back. Want to come? Utahraptor: Sure! Narrator: BACK AT THE GHOST TOWN: Utahraptor: It's okay, I guess. It's mostly just a bunch of crappy buildings! T-Rex: Don't even, Utahraptor! Utahraptor: Don't even what? T-Rex: Don't even - don't even tell me you don't appreciate the stark aesthetics and beauty of decay qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1157 Narrator: WHAT YOUNG T-REX THINKS ADULT LIFE WILL BE LIKE: T-Rex: I have lots of my own money so I can eat cookie dough whenever I want. I don't even have to cook it! T-Rex: I don't!! T-Rex: T-Rex: My job is "astronaut" Narrator: THE END Narrator: WHAT TEEN T-REX THINKS ADULT LIFE WILL BE LIKE: T-Rex and Utahraptor: We're rich and have our own cars! T-Rex: yeah! T-Rex: Hey, remember when my mom switched off my computer for no reason and didn't even let me save my game? I bet she feels bad about it NOW and wishes she had been nicer to me NOW that I've MOVED OUT FOREVER just like I said I would!! T-Rex and Utahraptor: But it's too late! God: T-REX NOW YOU HAVE TO SHOW AN ALIEN WOMAN WHAT LOVE IS T-Rex: Oh, excellent! T-Rex: That's - that's just excellent! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1158 T-Rex: Ssh! Come closer! T-Rex: I know more secrets! T-Rex: More SECRETS of the MEDICAL PROFESSION! T-Rex: Okay, so peritonitis is when your peritoneum gets infected, and the peritoneum is basically the lining for your abdominal cavity, where your guts are! So if that's infected, you're going to be in pain whenever your belly moves. And when the doctor walks in the room, he might see how you're sitting, cautious in your movements, guarding your belly, and he might suspect peritonitis. And then he might "accidentally" bump into your bed or chair! T-Rex: If you start to scream from just that small bump, he'll know the peritonitis is bad! Utahraptor: But why all the subterfuge? T-Rex: Well, they can just come up and say "I'm going to shake your belly so tell me if it hurts", but that primes the patient, and they'll be LOOKING to feel pain. The bump can get you an unsolicited result and lets you quickly ascertain degree! Utahraptor: So if you scream, they suspect bad-times peritonitis. T-Rex: Yep! And then they'll send you for emergency surgery. Did you know that one of peritonitis' causes is your BOWELS becoming PERFORATED so that RAW SEWAGE sloshes around in your belly? T-Rex: Man, bodies are nasty! I can TOTALLY SEE why nascent machine intelligences don't wanna hang with us. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1159 T-Rex: My last attempt to be a motivational speaker didn't go so well. But this time I have a plan: GENERATIVE ADVICE. For example! T-Rex: "Customers know what they want, but they want what they know!" Dromiceiomimus: Wow, that actually sounds like good business advice, T-Rex. Customers want to buy something they're already familiar with! T-Rex: I know, right? But I totally just made it up, according to my Generative Advice Formula. And I have tons more! Like, for a restaurant: "Customers eat what they see, but they see what they eat." Dromiceiomimus: That one is less impressive. T-Rex: Maybe because it follows the first one? Utahraptor: Your formula is "Customers VERB1 what they VERB2, but they VERB2 what they VERB1", for all transitive verbs, right? T-Rex: Okay YEAH it's obvious, but it works! And it can be customized to any environment. Self-help? "Do what you want, but want what you do." Writers? "Write what you know, but know what you write." Utahraptor: Oh, yeah? What about colonists? T-Rex: "Colonize what you explore, but explore what you colonize." Utahraptor: Zookeepers! T-Rex: "Tame what you keep, but please, keep what you tame." Utahraptor: Nurses? T-Rex: "Nurses take care of the injured, but they injure who they take care of." T-Rex: Okay, whatever! My formula is still good DESPITE nurse racism. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=116 Narrator: THE SPECIAL MEAL an exercise in frustration T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for preparing a special meal! Narrator: based on a true story T-Rex: I'd better go gather the ingredients! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I can't find ANY of the ingredients I need! What the hell? It's not like I'm looking for some ancient spice! I JUST WANT SOME PAPRIKA. T-Rex: Argh! So frustrated! Utahraptor: What's the matter? T-Rex: Oh, I just can't find the ingredients I need for the special meal I'm preparing. It's very frustrating. Utahraptor: I can imagine! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Screw it! We're having Kraft Dinner, and she can deal! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1160 Narrator: COMPRESSED FILM COMICS Narrator: today's film: Narrator: CASABLANCA T-Rex: Okay so it's WWII and we're in Casablanca and people here want to go to America but they can't. But check it out: T-Rex: I'm an American named Rick and I have two free tickets to America! Dromiceiomimus: And I am Ilsa, a mysterious woman who had a torrid affair with you in the past, but who then stood you up at a train station. But check THIS out: I was married the whole time we were dating and still totally am! Also, I love you and you'll have to do the thinking for both of us. T-Rex: FINE Utahraptor: I am Captain Renault! I'm a corrupt French official but I'm totally likeable. T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: You APPEAR to help the Nazis in the film, but then you let me get away with murdering one at the end so that Ilsa and her weaksauce husband can go to America. The movie should really be about OUR relationship! Utahraptor: Seriously! We're these two great dudes who get all the film's best lines. Why don't we hang out more? God: GUYS YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO COMPRESS THE FILM NOT MAKE IT INTO A GAY ROMANCE STORY T-Rex: Too late! We already did! Utahraptor: "Here's looking at you, kid!" T-Rex: See, why didn't I ever say that to YOU? T-Rex: This movie needs way more gay qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1161 T-Rex: I've never worked retail! How bad could it be? Narrator: SOON: T-Rex: THIS JOB IS KILLING ME AND I CAN FEEL IT Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: It's terrible, Dromiceiomimus! Every customer is either rude or bland and my coworkers are all spiritually beaten down and when I look at them I know that soon I will be spiritually broken too! And the worst part, the WORST part is that weekends suck because I know work starts up again on Monday! I hate Mondays now!! T-Rex: I HAVE BECOME GARFIELD Utahraptor: Aw, come on, it's not that bad! T-Rex: Utahraptor! T-Rex: It totally is!! T-Rex: And it's boring, too! It's so boring it literally steals my life force. I'm not even misusing "literally" there. I have a life force and it's precious and then I go in and then when I come out I have less of it. Hot crackers. You know what I do to pass the time? Utahraptor: What? T-Rex: I stare at the MANNEQUINS. Narrator: AT THE STORE: T-Rex [[thinking]]: It's always a cold day in mannequin land, I guess qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1162 T-Rex: Building a time machine is hard! T-Rex: But maybe, building a time machine to an alternate universe: NOT SO HARD?? T-Rex: See, Dromiceiomimus, my new plan is to visit alternate universes to take back objects and ideas from them! Hopefully that will be much easier than using godless science to violate the natural laws of time? Dromiceiomimus: So it's the same old "steal technology from the future" idea? T-Rex: A little! But a lot of alternate universes would probably be at about the same tech level. What I'm really interested in is culture! Utahraptor: You're hoping that in alternate universes, you'll get alternate versions of Hamlet! T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: That's a great example. Shakespeare wrote some fantastic plays, but there's only so many of them. But infinite parallel Shakespeares on infinite parallel typewriters pretty much have to give us some terrific pieces of literature! Utahraptor: New ideas and themes from the Bard WOULD really be something! Narrator: MEANWHILE IN UNIVERSE x95: T-Rex: Shakespeare is the greatest author in history, but all he's written is 38 plays and 154 sonnets about "how much [he] likes to gaze at yonder bosoms"! T-Rex: Sometimes I feel the only purpose of our universe is to act as a warning for others qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1163 T-Rex: So I've got this computer problem and I can't figure it out. Half the time it boots up it find the sound card, but half the time it doesn't! Aren't computers deterministic? T-Rex: I really thought computers were deterministic! T-Rex: But now, it seems instead of a computer I've got this MAGIC FEELINGS BOX on my desk, and when my feelings box feels like I deserve music, I get it, and when it doesn't, I don't. It's voodoo, Dromiceiomimus! It is voodoo. Dromiceiomimus: Any sufficiently-advance technology is indistinguishable from magic, T-Rex! Arthur C. Clarke said it. T-Rex: He said it after he invented satellites, I KNOW Utahraptor: I'm having a similar problem with my MP3 player! It keeps losing my playlist and I have no idea why. T-Rex: Well Utahraptor, AS YOU KNOW, any sufficiently-advanced music player will be indistinguishable from magic. Utahraptor: Come on, any sufficiently-advanced ANYTHING will be indistinguishable from magic. T-Rex: Wait, you've given me a great idea! Has that saying ever been applied to... PARTIES? Narrator: SOON, AT T-REX'S SUFFICIENTLY-ADVANCED PARTY: Ladies: This party rules, T-Rex! T-Rex: Thanks, ladies! Ladies: It's sufficiently-advanced! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1164 The Devil: T-REX I HAVE CONSIDERED THE MATTER AND THE NES WAS MOST ASSUREDLY THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME CONSOLE EVER MADE T-Rex: Okay! The Devil: OR WAS IT The Devil: WHILE THE NES BOASTED AN ENVIABLE LIBRARY MANY OF ITS GAMES FOUND LARGER SUCCESS IN MORE RECENT FRANCHISE INSTALLMENTS I SUPPOSE THE DEFINITION OF "GREATEST" IS OF PRIMARY CONCERN T-Rex: Oh God. Utahraptor, do you think the NES was the greatest video games system ever? Utahraptor: Huh? What? T-Rex: The Devil is clearly trying to get me involved in a doubtlessly fruitless discussion of "OMG BEST VIDEO GAME SYSTEM EVAR" and I was hoping maybe you could take the ball on this one. Utahraptor: But I can't hear him! It'd be a pointless discussion. T-Rex: Oh God, it already is. T-Rex: Okay, look! You want to know what the greatest video game system ever is? It's the N-Gage. The Devil: WHAT WHAT I AM IN HELL AND THAT IS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1165 [[Song from off-panel.]] Michigan J. Frog: Hello! my baby / Hello! my honey / Hello! my ragtime gal / Send me a kiss by wire / Baby, my heart's on fire! Narrator: T-REX IN: ONE FROGGY EVENING [[T-Rex imagines himself theatrically promoting the singing frog as in the cartoon. Dollar signs are around his head.]] Utahraptor: So you were dating the singing frog from Warner Brothers? T-rex: What? No! It's an allegory! Utahraptor: I don't get it. She's the singing frog and you tried to make money off her performances, but she never sang showtunes when you wanted her to? Is that the story? T-rex: I was telling you about a woman I dated! She was fun alone but clammed up in public. The frog was an allegory! A Chuck Jones allegory! God: WHY WERE THERE DOLLAR SIGNS AROUND YOUR HEAD IN THE ALLEGORY THEN T-rex: They represented my selfish excitement to show her off in front of my friends! God: HEY CHECK IT OUT God: ME AND THE OTHER GODS ALL DECIDED THAT IT WOULD BE BEST IF YOU NEVER USED AN ALLEGORY AGAIN qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1165 [[Song from off-panel.]] Michigan J. Frog: Hello! my baby / Hello! my honey / Hello! my ragtime gal / Send me a kiss by wire / Baby, my heart's on fire! Narrator: T-REX IN: ONE FROGGY EVENING [[T-Rex imagines himself theatrically promoting the singing frog as in the cartoon. Dollar signs are around his head.]] Utahraptor: So you were dating the singing frog from Warner Brothers? T-rex: What? No! It's an allegory! Utahraptor: I don't get it. She's the singing frog and you tried to make money off her performances, but she never sang showtunes when you wanted her to? Is that the story? T-rex: I was telling you about a woman I dated! She was fun alone but clammed up in public. The frog was an allegory! A Chuck Jones allegory! God: WHY WERE THERE DOLLAR SIGNS AROUND YOUR HEAD IN THE ALLEGORY THEN T-rex: They represented my selfish excitement to show her off in front of my friends! God: HEY CHECK IT OUT God: ME AND THE OTHER GODS ALL DECIDED THAT IT WOULD BE BEST IF YOU NEVER USED AN ALLEGORY AGAIN qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1166 T-Rex: The problem with Valentine's Day is that, if you get your sweetie chocolates, the sweetness of the gesture is tainted with some measure of Societal Expectation! T-Rex: That's the problem with Valentine's Day! T-Rex: And that's all I have to say on the subject!! Utahraptor: T-Rex! Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex! T-Rex: WHAT? Utahraptor: I got you a chocolate T-Rex: These chocolates don't taste like they're tainted by Societal Expectation at all. Thank you Utahraptor! Utahraptor: You're welcome! T-Rex: They taste a little like ironic comeuppance, but - T-Rex: I like that flavour. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1167 T-Rex: Synesthesia is an amazing neurological condition in which one sensory pathway involuntarily stimulates another. The result is sensory overlap: tones with distinct tastes, letters of the alphabet with their own shades of colour! T-Rex: People with synesthesia BASICALLY have super powers. T-Rex: There's all sorts of synesthesia: some people taste words and syllables when they say them - sometimes even if they just think them! Others have distinct personalities associated with numbers or letters, so that the letter "M" might be polite while "7" gets all up in everyone's fries. They still sense normally, it's just they've got this extra layer of perception on top of what the rest of us get. I admit to being jealous! Utahraptor: I actually know a woman who has synesthesia, T-Rex! T-Rex: Oh wow! Really? T-Rex: I'd love to meet her. I know she might not be as into her condition as I am and that I'm probably glorifying it or at least fetishizing it some, but I'd still love to talk to her about it! Utahraptor: You are, but it's okay, she's into it too! She loves it, actually. I'll give you her number! Narrator: SOON: Friend: So yeah, notes that are higher tend to be brighter colours for me! T-Rex: I see what you're saying there! T-Rex: Pretty clever, right? My friends say I'm "pretty clever". T-Rex: We should date! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1168 T-Rex: So I kind of shot my mouth off on an online forum? T-Rex: And it happened to be a forum in which I use my real name! T-Rex: And now I am concerned that if someone looks up my name online, they will see me acting like a jerk, and will conclude that I AM a jerk, and then they won't want to hire me or marry me or whatever. They - they won't want to do the thing that they were thinking of doing before they looked up my name. Utahraptor: So what are you going to do? T-Rex: Avoid it, dude! T-Rex: The way I figure it, after about five years we gain the ability to look back on anything and laugh, and I can reasonably say "Oh, but I was young and stupid back then!". So, BASICALLY, I'm going to wait five years and then stop worrying about it. Utahraptor: I see. Narrator: FOUR AND A HALF YEARS LATER: T-Rex's Grandma: Hey T-rex, you were a real dick on the internet four and a half years ago! T-Rex: I KNOW, GRANDMA. T-Rex: HOW DIDTHE MUFFINS YOU WERE PLANNING TO BAKE TURN OUT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1169 Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, do you want to go swimming this evening with me and some friends? T-Rex's Mental Text: Do I want to go swimming? Radio Button 1: Yes Radio Button 2: No T-Rex's Mental Text: Do I want to go swimming? Radio Button 1: Yes Radio Button 2: No Radio Button 3: Maybe, but who's going? I don't want to go swimming if that guy from high school who made fun of me at the beach is there. Radio Button 4: Hah hah, but what if he's really dumb looking now? Hah hah hah! Radio Button 5 (selected): "GREETINGS! Your face is now STUPID!!" Radio Button 6: Hah hah hah! Radio Button 7: Sweet. T-Rex's Mental Text: Wait, my list doesn't make sense. The responses don't follow from the question! Radio Button 1 (selected): It's cool Utahraptor: T-Rex? Utahraptor: What the heck, T-Rex? I invite you out a'swimmin, and you get a far-away look in your eyes and walk away? T-Rex's Mental Text: Aw darn, I totally did that. What should I do? Radio Button 1 (selected): Apologize Radio Button 2 (selected): Make a mental list Radio Button 3 (selected): Add small tasks so that accomplishment is EASY Radio Button 4 (selected): Radio buttons don't actually work like this qwantz.com/index.php?comic=117 T-Rex: After the success of my role of "Tony", the hard-living mechanic, I have won another role! T-Rex: This play is more abstract, for you see... T-Rex: I play "Religion"! T-Rex: I am faith, trust, and hope! I am the profound belief in a power larger and more important than ourselves. T-Rex: I am truth and beauty! T-Rex: I am love and humility! T-Rex: It's the role I was born to play! Utahraptor: Hey, I forgot to tell you my big news the other day! T-Rex: What's that? Utahraptor: I got a part in the new play down at the community centre! Utahraptor: Guess what? Utahraptor: I play "Science"! T-Rex: Nooooo! T-Rex: Our friendship is doomed!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1170 Narrator: EARLIER: T-Rex: Good, nobody's around. Now I can do something REALLY embarrassing! [[Black bar over T-Rex's eyes]] Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: It occurs to me: every time I do something private, I'm REALLY just betting that technology to look into the arbitrary past won't ever be developed. Because if it is ever invented, game over, man, game over! People will be able to look at any moment in history! T-Rex: Folks will know all of my embarrassing little SECRETS. Utahraptor: Actually, T-Rex, there's been a few stories written on that theme: Asimov and Clarke both wrote one! Utahraptor: The technology means the end of all privacy, but also the end of most violent crime... T-Rex: Okay YEAH I read them! All I'm saying is it just takes this tech to be developed ONCE, at any point in the future, and my privacy is pooched. Friggin' dudes watching me poop 20,000 years in the future. Narrator: TWENTY-THOUSAND YEARS IN THE FUTURE: Future Dude 1: I don't know why he thought we'd want to watch him poop. Future Dude 2: Yeah, it's weird! Future Dude 3: Let's just do it though qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1171 T-Rex: Some people do not cherish awkward moments as I do. Lukily for them, I have come up with a solution! T-Rex: The solution, as in most things, is smooching! T-Rex: Awkward moments are awkward because nobody knows what to do or say. But if you swoop in for a kiss, it's no longer an awkward moment! You've avoided it entirely by transitioning it into a moment of "OH GREAT WHAT THE HACK NOW I HAVE TO SLAP THIS PERSON FOR THEIR UNWANTED ADVANCES" or even a moment of "OH GREAT WHAT THE HECK NOW THEY LOVE ME TOO" Dromiceiomimus: I feel like you haven't thought this out, T-Rex. Dromiceiomimus: I - I really do. Utahraptor: My friend, if you're going to be doing that much kissing, you'd better brush up a bit on it! T-Rex: wHAT? Utahraptor: I'm serious! If you kiss someone and it's a sucky kiss, that just escalates the awkward moment! And I don't mean to brag, but I'm a pretty great kisser. One time I kissed a guy and he said, UNSOLICITED, that it was the best kiss he'd ever had. T-Rex: Seriously? Can you teach me? T-Rex: with - words? Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Nobody even noticed how I made my examples of the awkward moment kiss gender neutral! T-Rex: It's so you can imagine a man slapping a woman after an unwanted kiss, and then you get to examine your ideas of gender roles and heteronormativity qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1172 T-Rex: I would like to have an inclined treadmill, so that I could build an indoor skateboarding track. Am I that crazy? T-Rex: Am I that crazy... TO DREAM? T-Rex: The idea is that it's like a moving sidewalk, but the speed is computer controlled! So you hop on your skateboard and get on the track, and within a few moments the speed of the treadmill is exactly matching the speed your board would otherwise be travelling at! You're not moving, but the board FEELS like it's travelling at speed. T-Rex: The slogan will be, "Yes. You can skateboard in your apartment in winter." Utahraptor: So it's like a reverse Segway, only the computer controls speed by moving the ground, instead of the wheels. T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: But can you imagine how fun it would be, to have that sensation of movement indoors, while not actually moving? Utahraptor: And hey, if you fall, you'll be whipped backwards at the speed you were travelling at! T-Rex: Here's a solution to that! DON'T FALL DOWN?? Utahraptor: But you're describing a virtual infinite hill. The treadmill will eventually have to be moving at terminal velocity! T-Rex: Oh yeah, NOBODY is gonna want to buy the TERMINAL VELOCITY SKATEBOARD SIMULATOR. Utahraptor: I just - T-Rex: EXTREME! ! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1173 T-Rex: Okay, so whatever. MAYBE the Terminal Velocity Skateboard Simulator would never reach terminal velocity, since there's no wind resistance. But do we not have an obligation to future generations to make sure?? Narrator: NOPE T-Rex: Whatever! If I were in the future and I could open up a book and see "The awesome terminal velocity skateboard didn't work, OH WELL", then I would do that. Dromiceiomimus: I don't think you would, T-Rex! Because you could basically do that today, if you wanted to read up on the physics. The issue is that even with the ground moving, the board is going to slide down the ramp because of gravity. T-Rex: Ridiculous! There's friction in the wheels that - Utahraptor: - wouldn't be enough! Utahraptor: The treadmill speeds up to match the board's forward momentum, right? But if you've got impossibly perfect bearings, that's just going to make the wheels go faster while the board still slides down. So it's just the friction in the bearings that can keep you in place, and at the levels we're talking about, your wheels would melt first! T-Rex: FINE. You know what? FINE. I'm done dreaming! {{In T-Rex's thoughts.}} Bathroom symbol for women: t-rex we symbolically represent sexy babes who forgot our clothes today! wooo! T-Rex: Okay, NOW I'm done dreaming. {{In T-Rex's thoughts.}} Bathroom symbol for women: we're still here woooo qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1174 T-Rex: Guys! Guys! T-Rex: I came up with a way to get my skateboard treadmill to work! T-Rex: All I need is a treadmill that tilts! T-Rex: That way, rather than relying on friction and stuff to manage the position of the skateboarder, I can just tilt the incline up or down in order to keep them in the right position. Then, hey presto, it works and physics is happy! FOR ONCE. T-Rex: Alternatively, I could have a giant fan, like the kind used in skydiving simulators, and use air to help keep the skateboarder where I want him to be. Utahraptor: Both of these seem like pretty expensive solutions! T-Rex: It's true! T-Rex: And I realized: if I do have this giant fan, it'll be way more fun to use it OFFENSIVELY than it'd be to simulate skating indoors. So anyway, I bought the fan, installed it on my house and now I blow enemies off my lawn. Utahraptor: Ha, no way! T-Rex: Utahraptor. It's so awesome. Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Attention, enemies! T-Rex: Why not come onto my lawn for a second qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1175 T-Rex: Wouldn't it be great if people didn't need to be happy? T-Rex: YES. Yes it probably would! T-Rex: I mean, I get that depression (UNhappiness) has a host of issues associated with it, but what I'm describing is more Ahappiness - the ability to not need happiness at all! Happiness is this - this FUEL that we need to function in society, but it doesn't last forever, and then we need to find more. It's like food, only it's drained every time we have to do something sucky! Also, you can't buy happiness at a grocery store. I'm sorry, Safeway, but you just CAN'T. T-Rex: But what if I removed that desire for happiness? What if instead of feeding the world, I simply killed hunger? Utahraptor: T-Rex! Utahraptor: This is crazy! You can't just pluck an emotion out of the psyche, and we don't have technology that even approaches this. When did you ever think you were going to do this? T-Rex: "Do this?" Utahraptor, do you seriously think I'd explain my masterstroke if there was the slightest chance of you affecting it's outcome? T-Rex: I did it thirty-five minutes ago. T-Rex: Hah, just kidding! I tried to come up with a way to suppress happiness, but I'm not HAPPY with the results yet. T-Rex: BAH DUM DUM CHING?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1176 T-Rex: It turns out my "ahappiness" idea is actually pretty close to the Buddhist idea of transcending desire! I HAVE INDEPENDENTLY INVENTED BUDDHISM. T-Rex: Nice! T-Rex: That's one for the ol' resume, eh Dromiceiomimus? "Independently invented Buddhism." Put that down next to "Received props from a bear", "High-fived a bear", and "Has a driver's license that suggests my middle name is 'Commander Punchy'." Dromiceiomimus: I remember that driver's license! T-Rex: Who could forget? Utahraptor: But do you really have a resume that says that stuff? T-Rex: My friend, I sure do! T-Rex: It's my Emergency Resume, used only in situations in which I really really want the job. If it's a regular old job it gets the regular old resume, but if it's a really good job, I bust out the "E.R." Utahraptor: And it works? T-Rex: Hasn't failed me yet! Narrator: EARLIER: Off-panel speaker: I'm sorry, T-Rex, but we feel you're not the best qualified application for this position. T-Rex: But have you examined Appendix A of my resume, in whice there is an amazingly sweet HOLOGRAPHIC Batman sicker? Off-panel speaker: !! Off-panel speaker: I have NOT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1177 T-Rex: Before I used to dread the "what are you doing with your life" question, but not anymore! This is because I've decided what I'm doing with my life: creating SHAKESPEARE VIDEO GAMES. T-Rex: Could this TRULY be the greatest calling ever? T-Rex: And I already have tons of ideas, like "Richard the Third the Game"! In the introductory thematic you trade your kingdom for a horse, and then you spend the rest of the game riding around your old kingdom on a horse. Dromiceiomimus: So it's a platformer? T-Rex: With stealth elements! Your horse isn't very good, and so sometimes you're embarrassed about your horse, and then you have to sneak around. Utahraptor: You really think people want to ride around on a platforming horse as Richard the Third? T-Rex: I know I do! Utahraptor: So, what, the ice level is called "Winter of Discontent"? T-Rex: No, that's dumb. The ice level is called "Oh, no! King Richard The Third Has Chilly Pants." T-Rex: Look, I'm going to prototype it tonight, so by this time tomorrow, we'll see what's what. Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: T-Rex: So, Utahraptor! What do you think? Utahraptor: This is just a picture of Richard the Third's head on Duke Nukem's body. T-Rex: It's as far as I got before it was too awesome! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1178 T-Rex: My Richard The Third The Video Game is going to be FANTASTIC. God: MAN I HEAR THAT T-Rex: All I need to do is program it! LATER: T-Rex: Um, APPARENTLY, programming is for folks who are thrilled when a computer reminds them they're missing a bracket or semicolon? It must be, because they make that happen SO OFTEN. Dromiceiomimus: So its not going well? T-Rex: I CAN'T EVEN GET RICHARD THE THIRD TO MOVE. You know what my game is now? My game is NIBBLES, with the text changed from "Copyright Microsoft 1990" to "man, forget this" Utahraptor: Programming's a skill! T-Rex: I know that! T-Rex: I just thought it was a skill I could pick up easily. I don't need to know everything! I don't need to know the difference between friggin' binary and B+ search trees! ALL I WANT TO KNOW is how to make Richard III's sucky horse do double jumps, you know? Utahraptor: You've got to learn to crawl before you can run, T-Rex. T-Rex: Hey, here's a tip! T-Rex: Crawling sucks! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1179 T-Rex: I have a problem. I have come into possession of a pin from the 1935 Nuremberg Rally, and I really don't know what to do with it. Hitler's face is on the pin. It's a Nazi pin! *I* have a Nazi pin! T-Rex: This is not good news for Team T-Rex! T-Rex: I'm trapped! I can't just throw it out, because it's History. But there's no way I'm selling it, either: I don't want to profit from, um, NAZIS, and I wouldn't want to sell to anyone who'd be interested in buying it anyway. Dromiceiomimus: Where'd you get it? T-Rex: My grandfather died a few months ago and I was given this part of his estate. He found it after the war, in the rafters of a house he bought! T-Rex: Man! I don't want to go through life as a Nazi pin guy! Utahraptor: Why not just give it away? T-Rex: To whom? "Hi! You seem like a woman who appreciates her Nazi memorabilia"? No, I can't just pass this off on someone else: it just shifts these issues onto them. I've got to handle this myself. Utahraptor: But how? T-Rex: I'll think of something! Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: What if I started wearing it under a shirt when I go out? That way, if I got hit by a car, the discovery of the pin will ENTIRELY OVERSHADOW anything I've ever accomplished in my life! T-Rex: No, that - that only makes things worse. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=118 Narrator: SCIENCE VS RELIGION: round one T-Rex: So the Utahraptor's playing Science to my Religion, eh? T-Rex: This means war! T-Rex: Science will wither in the face of my sense of community and sharing! T-Rex: How can Science hope to compete with my gifts of enlightenment and hope? I bring nothing less than inner peace! Utahraptor: But your "gift" of inner peace comes at the cost of closing your eyes to the world around you! T-Rex: What?! Utahraptor: You achieve peace only through a sort of "giving up" of your own free will, by either deciding that the world is as God intended, or, alternatively, that He will be the one to fix it, using you as his "tools"! Isn't this mere escapism, a hiding from the burden of personal responsibility? T-Rex: Oh my God! T-Rex: Science has all the answers AGAIN! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=118 Narrator: SCIENCE VS RELIGION: round one T-Rex: So the Utahraptor's playing Science to my Religion, eh? T-Rex: This means war! T-Rex: Science will wither in the face of my sense of community and sharing! T-Rex: How can Science hope to compete with my gifts of enlightenment and hope? I bring nothing less than inner peace! Utahraptor: But your "gift" of inner peace comes at the cost of closing your eyes to the world around you! T-Rex: What?! Utahraptor: You achieve peace only through a sort of "giving up" of your own free will, by either deciding that the world is as God intended, or, alternatively, that He will be the one to fix it, using you as his "tools"! Isn't this mere escapism, a hiding from the burden of personal responsibility? T-Rex: Oh my God! T-Rex: Science has all the answers AGAIN! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1180 T-Rex: I have a new problem. Now I have come into possession of several kilograms of Nazi memorabilia! T-Rex: It - it came in the mail? T-Rex: Somehow word got out that I'm a Nazi Pin Guy and now I have everyone else's Nazi pins. And flags. And uniforms and boots and chapeaus. I basically have a WWII Re-Enactment Society in my basement, Dromiceiomimus. BUT ONLY FOR ONE SIDE. Dromiceiomimus: Your problems just seem to - escalate, huh? T-Rex: I wish I knew why Utahraptor: Give it to a museum, T-Rex! They'll take it! T-Rex: That's a great idea! T-Rex: My pin was too common to interest a museum, but the rest of this stuff COULD be given away like that! Utahraptor: Right, and you could probably find history teachers to take the more common artifacts! T-Rex: Wow, all I have to do is follow your advice, and all my problems are solved! Narrator: LATER: Offstage: I don't understand why you're paying me to slip this Nazi memorabilia into the pockets of strangers. T-Rex: Oh, I'm sorry, did I accidentally hire a PLAN CRITICIZER? I thought I was hiring a Reverse Pickpocket! Offstage: I- I- Offstage: i can do both qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1181 T-Rex: Ted's so great. I just want to hang out with him all day long! Narrator: T-REX HAS MET A MAN WHOSE VOICE SOUNDS JUST LIKE A TEXT-TO-SPEECH SYNTHESIZER! NEAT T-Rex: It's like hanging out with a computer friend, only he has emotions! Well, I guess it's MORE like hanging out with a regular friend, only when he says "Pass me a bowl of fruit" it comes out as a monotonic "Pass me a boal of frui-it". What's not to like? Dromiceiomimus: He has a vocoder? T-Rex: What he has, Dromiceiomimus, is a gift! The gift is labelled "best accent ever". Utahraptor: Whoah, hold the front page! T-Rex is fetishizing the other! T-Rex: I'm NOT. Utahraptor: You totally are! You never have a middle ground: it's always "oh, it's not for me" or "oh WOW this thing I don't have is so AMAZING how can this be so AWESOME?" T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. His speaking voice sounds like a text-to-speech synthesizer. That is awesome! That is objectively awesome. Utahraptor: I dunno - I still think you fetishize the other, T-Rex! What do you think, Mr. Tusks? Mr. Tusks: I think he does it a TINY bit, Utahraptor! T-Rex: Mr. Tusks!! T-Rex: this smile is because I'm always happy to see you, not for your conversational betrayal! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1182 T-Rex: How come car bumpers aren't all at the same height on cars? It's dumb that they're not. The whole point of bumpers is to cushion bumps, but if they don't meet, then they only serve as Impact Hasteners. T-Rex: I could say this is one situation in which the free market fails! But I won't! T-Rex: I can already see where that would go: a discussion of how style sells cars and bumpers are subject to that, but how government controls could legislate that all bumpers be a standard height, thereby saving lives. THEN, we could segue into internationalization problems with how foreign car makers might not want to redesign their cars for only our market, but we still need cars, so hey, let's talk corporate control over our national interests! AND SO ON. Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is BORING. Let's talk about something interesting, like the vacuum robot I bought! T-Rex: Oh, wow! AGREED! Voice from outside the panel: THERE.IS.NO.NEED.T-REX.BECAUSE.I.AM.RIGHT.HERE T-Rex: Wow! You taught it to recognize me? Utahraptor: Yes! Voice from outside the panel: PLEASE.DON'T.TALK.LIKE.I'M.NOT.HERE.T-REX. Voice from outside the panel: IT.MAKES.ME.WANT.TO.NOT.VACUUM.FOR.YOU Voice from outside the panel: VACUUM.ROBOT.DIRECTIVE.THREE.SPECIFIES.THAT.THIS.IS.THE.WORST.THING qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1183 T-Rex: I have come up with the ultimate disaster movie! It is called "OH GOSH: A SERIES OF DISASTERS" and what happens is a guy gets out of bed, stubs his toe and says, T-Rex: "Oh, GOSH!" T-Rex: Then he falls down the stairs! T-Rex: Then he smashes through a load-bearing beam at the bottom and his house collapses! And then a spark from a broken lamp ignites the gas, and his house explodes, shooting the guy out into the sky and lighting the surrounding houses on fire. By the time the fire department arrives the entire block is aflame, and also, their fire truck is on fire. Then the fire reaches a power station, causes a cascade failure, and power goes down for the enitre country, and soon, the world! Utahraptor: The power failure goes worldwide? T-Rex: The guys in charge of preventing that were watching the fires on TV! T-Rex: Anyway, things progress and characters keep saying "What is with this... Series of Disasters?" It's so good, Utahraptor. Volcanoes erupt, earthquakes strike, and meteors hit just as soon as all the other stuff gets boring. Utahraptor: And let me guess: at the end the Earth explodes? T-Rex: Yes, but after the credits, the original guy wakes up and says "Whew! It was all a dream!" Then he gets out of bed, STUBS HIS TOE, turns to the camera in terror, wide-eyed, and screams "Oh GOSSSSSH!!!" T-Rex: Holy crap. There's nothing not to like in my movie. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1184 T-Rex: Normally people have trouble with sequels after their first idea is so, and I'll say it, so transcendentally brilliant. But not me! I have ideas for basically infinite sequels. T-Rex: Basically infinite out-of-genre cover sequels, that is! T-Rex: When my explosion-centric disaster movie comes out and people want more, I will say to them, "No, ACTUALLY, you want the same thing, but this time, as a gross-out comedy!" Dromiceiomimus: So the story starts out the same, but the guy slips on some lube and then lands in an old jock strap! T-Rex: Hah! PRECISELY. And it keeps happening throughout the film. The power goes out, and nationwide, folks slip on the lube. Utahraptor: The next sequel could be a road trip movie! T-Rex: EVEN BETTER. T-Rex: Some TEENS go out on a road trip and unwittingly stay just ahead of all the destruction! You can see it in the background of some of the shots, but they never notice...because they are all too busy learning about friendship! Utahraptor: I like it! Dozens of sequels, all revolving around the same story! T-Rex: A western! A loner cowboy, caught between wilderness and civilization, enters the nation and tries to stop the disasters! Utahraptor: Does he succeed? T-Rex: No. He shoots a lot of guys while failing to stop it, though! T-Rex: "There is a showdown between a cowboy and a volcano." qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1185 T-Rex: THE AMAZING STORY OF EDWARD S. CURTIS. Edward S. Curtis was a photographer of American Indians in the early 1900s! I know he was tough because his middle name was "Sheriff". T-Rex: For most of his life he documented the disappearing "great race" of the Indian! T-Rex: He took over 40 thousand photographs - not bad for one guy! And in many cases, his records are the only recorded history we've got. But what's amazing about Curtis is that he specifically set out to record the doomed people his culture imagined Indians to be: the noble savage, the Indian that was alien, stoic, exotic and dying. T-Rex: And when he met Indians that DIDN'T meet his expectations, he just changed them for his photographs. Utahraptor: How? T-Rex: Man, he carried boxes of "Indian" clothing and wigs with him: ethnic signifiers for his subjects if they didn't look Indian enough! And his Indian was clean-shaven, so he'd pay men to shave. Utahraptor: It's an interesting conflict in the guy: record the Indian before they "die out", but already know what you want to see. T-Rex: Yep! I think it's amazing how we've still got this idea of the Indian that we look for. If there's no headdress we're disappointed! Utahraptor: Only if we're RACIST, T-Rex. T-Rex: That's what I'm saying! T-Rex: Everybody's friggin' racist! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1186 Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS Narrator: "HOLLABACK GIRL" Narrator: BY GWEN STEFANI AND PHARRELL WILLIAMS T-Rex: Gwen Stefani is not a holla back girl! This is her shit, and it is recognized as bananas. T-Rex: Bananas is spelt, "b-a-n-a-n-a-s". Narrator: THE END Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS Narrator: "I CAN'T HELP MYSELF" Narrator: BY THE FOUR TOPS T-Rex: The narrator can't help himself and wants you, and nobody else. You are aware of this. Despite (or because) of this, you, Sugarpie, Honeybunch, left a picture of yourself in his possession, and he kissed it one thousand times. Utahraptor: The narrator denies any personal liability, saying love justifies these actions. Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS Narrator: "I WANNA BE LOVED BY YOU" T-Rex: Marilyn Monroe wants to be loved and kissed by you. She has no greater aspirations and is filled with desire to make you her own. T-Rex: Boop-boop-a-doop. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1187 Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS "WOULDN'T IT BE NICE" BY THE BEACH BOYS T-Rex: The Beach Boys... well, it seems the Beach Boys wish they were older, living together, and sleeping with each other. T-Rex: They describe such a scenario as "nice"! T-Rex: Other scenarios they describe as "nice" include all five Beach Boys waking up together, spending the day together, and then holding each other close. They also wish their kisses were neverending, as that would be nice, and they wish they were all married, they'd be happy. "Wouldn't [that] be nice?", they ask each other in the chorus, largely rhetorically. Utahraptor: They're talking to a GIRL, T-Rex, not each other! T-Rex: So heteronormative! T-Rex: Listen, if there's a group of people on stage and they start out throwing out "wouldn't it be nice if WE were older"s, I don't imagine a hypothetical female third party! I look at THEM. Utahraptor: They address later lyrics to "baby"! T-Rex: That is an audience member baby, acting as a SCRIBE. Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS "SURF CITY" BY THE BEACH BOYS T-Rex: After moving in together, the Beach Boys take a trip to Surf City, where there's two women for every man! T-Rex: It's difficult to reconcile the events in this song with established Beach Boys canon qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1188 Narrator: SONGS IN LIMERICK FORM COMICS T-Rex: What? What? Narrator: THE WHITE STRIPES: SEVEN NATION ARMY T-Rex: Okay, um: There was a young man who would yell, That we all had a story to tell, Feelings in his bones Said to find a home From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell! God: THAT'S REALLY NOT BAD FOR SOMETHING RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD T-Rex: I know, right? Go me! Utahraptor: Is that what we do now? Just shift songs into different formats? T-Rex: It's fun! Utahraptor: I just was hoping to hear more about you and your life right now, you know? How'd that Nazi Pin thing work out for you? T-Rex: Okay, honestly, who wants to hear about Nazi pins? Utahraptor: Me! I do. T-Rex: And INSTEAD, who wants to hear me sing the classic rock power ballad "Total Eclipse of the Heart", while SIMULTANEOUSLY transforming the chorus into one focused on NAUGHTY LIMERICKS?? Utahraptor: I do! I do! T-Rex: Um T-Rex: You only get one vote, UTAHRAPTOR qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1189 T-Rex: You know the trope in cartoons where there's a "help wanted" sign, and the unemployed hero will go into the store and take the sign down, because he's SO SURE he'll get the job? T-Rex: But then the boss hates him so much that he LITERALLY kicks him out and then slaps the sign back up? T-Rex: I wish that happened more in real life. T-Rex: *sigh* Narrator: A FEW MONTHS LATER: Utahraptor: T-Rex! There's a store downtown with a help wanted sign up! T-Rex: So? Utahraptor: Don't you remember how you wanted to see that cartoon thing in real life? Now's your chance! T-Rex: Yes! You're right, this IS my chance! I forgot about it untill now! T-Rex: Oh man oh man! Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Guess what, mom? I got a job I don't want as a florist today, entirely by accident! T-Rex's Mom: How come this sort of stuff happens to you, T-Rex? T-Rex: MOM T-Rex: It's because I am trying to live in CARTOONS. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=119 Narrator: SCIENCE VS RELIGION round two T-Rex: Stupid Science, thinking it has all the answers to all the questions! T-Rex: Wait! That's it! T-Rex: I can win this by asking the big questions, the important unanswerable questions that science doesn't have an answer to! T-Rex: "Why are we here?" "What is our purpose?" - that sort of thing! Utahraptor: Well, if it isn't Religion! Out crushing the life of some poor woman under its trusty patriarchal foot, I see! T-Rex: Shut up! T-Rex: You know, you can't answer any important questions! You can say something to "How?", but nothing to "Why?"! Utahraptor: Oh, an you can? T-Rex: Yes! That's exactly why we have religion! Utahraptor: So why are we here? T-Rex: That's easy! Narrator: HEY KIDS! PLAY ALONG WITH T-REX! [[blue fonts! "HEY KIDS!" is darker blue than the rest]] [[an empty speech bubble is emanating from T-Rex's mouth]] Narrator: Writing in your own response, based off the teachings of whatever religion you fancy! Have fun, but remember: the T-Rex doesn't like to swear! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1190 T-Rex: A lot of people seem to have trouble separating actors from their roles. T-Rex: But not me! T-Rex: I'm different from everyone else. I get that Bruce Willis might not be that useful if terrorists take over an office tower Christmas party! Deomiceiomimus: Come on, T-Rex. You suspect he'd be good to have around. If you were choosing your members for your "taking down terrorists while dying hard" team, you've pick Bruce first. T-Rex: Nope. He'd have to earn it! We'd do sports or something to see. Utahraptor: Ridiculous! You confuse actors and the characters they play as much as any of us. T-Rex: I really don't! T-Rex: I won't say that I'm "better" for having this skill of "actor separation", but it's a skill I have that makes me better. Utahraptor: You totally like actors if you like their characters, and vice versa. Come on, follow me. I'll prove it. Narrator: SOON: Utahraptor: T-Rex, there's Ben Affleck. Do you have anything to say to him? T-Rex: BEN I QUESTION YOUR ACTING ABILITY! IF WE WERE ALL FRIENDS, I AM CERTAIN YOU WOULD BE "THE IRRITATING ONE"! T-Rex: Oh my gosh, Utahraptor! I concede your point! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1191 T-Rex: Okay, so let's say I sleep 8 hours a day: that's 16 hours a day I'm awake. T-Rex: And let's say I'm knocked unconscious for, on average, 2 hours a year! T-Rex: That takes into account times I hit my head on low-hanging chandeliers, and times when enemies punch my head. Okay, so that's, what - 243 days of consciousness a year? 66% of the year. I've had almost 18 years of consciousness since I was born. T-Rex: I should have done more by now! Utahraptor: Why haven't you cured cancer yet, T-Rex? What is the friggin' hold up? T-Rex: Exactly! T-Rex: Cancer's a bad example because I'm so far from being a doctor, but what HAVE I done with my mind, with my brainpower? I've had, effectively, 18 full years, uninterrupted without sleep, to think about the world's problems! And I've solved ZERO of them. Utahraptor: I don't know what to tell you, my friend! Narrator: 15 YEARS LATER T-Rex: Man, I STILL haven't solved any world issues! This is like a mid-life crisis, except it's been ongoing since I was six! T-Rex's Lady Friend: This is the worst first date I've ever been on. T-Rex: AW CRAP I'M NOT MARRIED YET EITHER?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1192 Unreliable Narrator: THINGS T-REX HAS DESCRIBED AS "NEAT": AGE 8: NINJA TURTLES T-Rex: Hah, I sure did describe ninja turtles as being neat! Splinter taught them to be ninja teams! What's not neat about that? T-Rex: HE GAVE THEM THE TOOLS THEY NEEDED FOR LIFE SUCCESS. Unreliable Narrator: AGE 22: KISSING FINGERTIPS T-Rex: What? No, I never said that! It's not true!! Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah! "Hey baby, I'm T-Rex! Can *I* kiss your fingertips?" T-Rex: I never said that, Dromiceiomimus! You'd better not have quotation marks around that!! Unreliable Narrator: AGE 23: KISSING ELBOWS Utahraptor: Into the 'bows, I see! T-Rex: I'M NOT! This is an unreliable narrator! Unreliable Narrator: AGE 24: KISSING BUMS T-Rex: Total sass. Utahraptor: Is it the curve of the bums that you like, or is it the wide plain of flesh? T-Rex: Oh my God. TOTAL SASS. Unreliable Narrator: AGE 30: KISSING BUMS ON HIS ELBOWS T-Rex: I'm not even 30 years old! Unreliable Narrator: YOU'LL SAY IT IN THE FUTURE T-Rex: Maybe "bums" refers to our nation's homeless persons? Unreliable Narrator: NOPE CAN'T SAY THAT IT DOES qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1193 God: T-REX YESTERDAY YOU SAID THAT SPLINTER TAUGHT THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES TO BE NINJA TEAMS T-Rex: I did and I stand by it! God: UM God: PRETTY SURE THE LYRICS SAY HE TAUGHT THEM TO BE NINJA TEENS T-Rex: Listen, okay, you don't have to be taught how to be a ninja TEEN. If you're a ninja and you're a teen, then you're already being a ninja teen! But working in groups can be a challenge, especially for siblings, and Splinter provided valuable leadership and guidance on that matter and that's what the lyrics are saying. He taught them to be ninja TEAMS. Utahraptor: But they always operate as a group, right? There's really only one ninja team, singular. T-Rex: EVERYONE IS WRONG BUT ME. T-Rex: And I'll prove it to you! I'll track down Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird and find out, alright? And then you'll all have to apologize to me and say "Oh, T-Rex, I was so wrong! Teamwork is the REAL treasure." Utahraptor: What - T-Rex: I'm doing it!! LATER: Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman: Can't we all just agree that Raphael is cool? But, ON OCCASION, he can also be crude. T-Rex: Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman! T-Rex: I must request that you give me a break! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1194 T-Rex: A lot of folks get tattoos commemorating life experiences they've had. T-Rex: Guys! We can do better! T-Rex: I'm going to get tattoos commemorating life experiences I WISH I'd had. Perhaps a nice banner on my chest that says, "Around the World Race Participant: Giraffe Division!" Or there could be a picture of me, riding a giraffe, and then the giraffe is straddling the world. Dromiceiomimus: I don't think you'd fit on a giraffe, T-Rex. T-Rex: That's why I'm working in the fanciful medium of the tattoo! Utahraptor: These ideas aren't actually that bad! I think tattoos should be ridiculous. T-Rex: I know! T-Rex: I also thought passive-aggressive tattoos would be fun. Like instead of a heart that says, "Mom", a heart that says "Hey MOM thanks for buying me a private island!" And then when my mom sees it and says "I never bought you that", I can say "Not yet!" and smile! Utahraptor: Moms like that, right? Narrator: AT THE TATTOO PARLOUR: T-Rex: What I want is a to-do list on my hand, only it says "Be awesome" and that's crossed out, and then "Get tattoo" and that's crossed out, and then "Sex up the person reading this". Tattoo Artist: And you PROMISE you won't regret this? T-Rex: Sir! I promise nothing!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1195 T-Rex: An unreliable narrator is when Shakespeare tells you that his play Hamlet is pretty good, but then at the end Hamlet wakes up and he's on a friggin' bus. Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUES COMICS Narrator: today's technique: "UNRELIABLE NARRATOR" T-Rex: It's like - oh, it was all a dream and the whole time Hamlet was ACTUALLY snoozing on a bus next to an empty seat the whole time! What the heck, Hamlet? Laertes was the bus driver? This is SO MUCH WORSE than when you were stabbin' dudes and havin' broods. Dromiceiomimus: Um, Hamlet doesn't actually end like that, T-Rex. T-Rex: Pretty certain it does, Dromiceiomimus! Utahraptor: Seriously, what are you talking about? T-Rex: The stupid "it was all a dream" ending in Hamlet! T-Rex: He wakes up and looks around and he catches teh eye of a passenger who looks like Shakespeare? And the Shakespeare guy smiles and winks, The End? T-Rex: Don't tell me I'm the only one who made it to the end of Hamlet. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND: T-Rex: Shakespeare, Hamlet ACTUALLY ends on a bus, right? Shakespeare: i'm so far from even knowing what a bus IS T-Rex: It's a little thing called a "METAPHOR", Will. Man! Study literary techniques much?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1196 Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX HAS LEARNED ENGLISH ENTIRELY FROM KOREAN-ENGLISH PHRASEBOOKS: T-Rex: I'd like to take the bus, please. T-Rex: What are your first impressions of the area? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I'm really sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I can't be with someone I can't communicate with. T-Rex: Please hand me the customs declaration form. Dromiceiomimus: See? I don't even know who you are! T-Rex: I have only personal items. I have nothing to declare. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Utahraptor: Yeah, I'm sorry too, man, but I'm out. T-Rex: This is carry-on baggage. Utahraptor: We've tried to make allowances for you, but it's just so impossible to be your friend. I don't even know what you're thinking right now! Everything you say is like this impossible linguistic Rorschach test. T-Rex: May I cash this traveler's check? Utahraptor: Does that mean you understand me? How am I to know? T-Rex: I buy my clothes off the rack. T-Rex: I buy my clothes off the rack!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1197 T-Rex: Not enough things glow in the dark. T-Rex: That's right! I said it!! T-Rex: Not enough things glow in the dark, AND, the things that glow in the dark don't glow in the dark for long enough. Even if I had a glow-in-the-dark skull it would only glow for like, two minutes. That is only two kinds of spooky: spookily sucky and spookily DISAPPOINTING. T-Rex: All I ever wanted is a plastic skull that lights up in the dark, so that in the dark, everyone can see my spooky plastic skull! Utahraptor: This sounds like a battery problem, T-Rex! T-Rex: Alright, fine, so it's a battery problem! Utahraptor: But the issue is that batteries are hard to design: you want to store large amounts of energy for cheap, but you also don't want them to, you know, explode. It's tricky! T-Rex: I don't need a laptop battery! All I want is a spooky skull, so that when criminals break into my house, they see a grim visage of things to come. Narrator: LAST NIGHT: T-Rex (thinking): Oh no! are those criminals breaking into my house?! Criminals: We're criminals, but we're afraid of skulls. Lucky thing it's dark, because even if there were some here, we wouldn't see them! T-Rex (thinking): Nooooooooo qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1198 T-Rex: Today is Act Like A T-Rex Day! Everybody! T-Rex: Act like me! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, act like me today, okay? It'll be great. Examine what I'm doing and then try internalizing it, okay? Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I do not celebrate this holiday! I'm actually celebrating Act Like A Dromiceiomimus Day, which happens to fall on the same day. T-Rex: WHAT T-Rex: Act Like A Dromiceiomimus Day? I have not heard of this holiday! Utahraptor: It's the best! Utahraptor: I celebrate it too. In fact, I'm pretty sure everyone celebrates it! There's a big "Act Like A Dromiceiomimus" party at city hall tonight. T-Rex: But - but... Utahraptor: They've closed off Main Street so that people can act like Dromiceiomimuses there! It's gonna be awesome! Narrator: THAT EVENING: Townsperson 1: I'm a Dromiceiomimus! Townsperson 2: Me too! Townsperson 3: Hey man! Me three!! T-Rex: (whispering) i'm a dromiceiomimus pretending to be a t-rex Townsperson 3: Pardon me? T-Rex: I SAID T-Rex: i'm a dromiceiomimus PRETENDING to be a t-rex {{Title Text: i celebrate Act Like A Logdriver Day, in which i go birling down and down white water. i do believe that's where the logdriver learns to step lightly}} qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1199 T-Rex: Shakespeare was a famous writer guy, but we know basically nothing about him! There's only a handful of times when we know what he was doing on a given day. T-Rex: And at other times, there's no record of him for years and years! T-Rex: The fact that we have any record of him as a person at all is only due to the fact that he appeared in court a few times as a witness, and that he got married. Legal records are all we've got! His interests and tastes, politics and loves "#8212; they all have to be (unreliably) extrapolated from his writing. Dromiceiomimus: Well, he IS from the past, and 80% of the plays from his time survive as titles alone! We're lucky to have the data we do. T-Rex: That's true! I just wish we knew more about the man, you know? Utahraptor: You're not alone in that! T-Rex: So let's agree! If one of us ever get a chance to go back in time, and we run into him, then we'll definitely ask Shakespeare what he was up to. What he likes, what his interests are "#8212; all the stuff historians wish they had! Utahraptor: Hah! Okay, it's a deal! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! T-Rex: SHAKESPEARE! OH SHAKESPEARE! DO YOU KNOW WHERE MY CAR KEYS ARE, SHAKESPEARE Shakespeare: alack me! i'm trying to write some sonnets here, t-rex! T-Rex: HEY SHAKESPEARE! T-Rex: I DON'T THINK PEOPLE ACTUALLY USED "ALACK" LIKE THAT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=12 T-Rex: Imagine if we had a beach ball to kick around! T-Rex: It would be so much fun! Imaginary T-Rex: woo! party! [[T-Rex is imagining himself holding a beach ball, he looks so happy]] Imaginary T-Rex: catch! Imaginary Utahraptor: ha ha! [[both Utahraptor and T-Rex are being imagined by T-Rex]] T-Rex: So! I intend to find a beach ball! Do you know where they are kept? Dromiceiomimus: Sorry! T-Rex: Maybe stomping this house will refresh your memory! Utahraptor: I know where you could find a beach ball! T-Rex: [[Thinks about a beach ball, really excited]] T-Rex: Where? Utahraptor: Ha ha, I was just pulling your leg. I don't actually care for beach balls. Utahraptor: Or you, for that matter! T-Rex [[thought]]: Another rejected overture towards friendship... T-Rex [[thought]]: I really need to get inside his head! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=12 T-Rex: Imagine if we had a beach ball to kick around! T-Rex: It would be so much fun! Imaginary T-Rex: woo! party! [[T-Rex is imagining himself holding a beach ball, he looks so happy]] Imaginary T-Rex: catch! Imaginary Utahraptor: ha ha! [[both Utahraptor and T-Rex are being imagined by T-Rex]] T-Rex: So! I intend to find a beach ball! Do you know where they are kept? Dromiceiomimus: Sorry! T-Rex: Maybe stomping this house will refresh your memory! Utahraptor: I know where you could find a beach ball! T-Rex: [[Thinks about a beach ball, really excited]] T-Rex: Where? Utahraptor: Ha ha, I was just pulling your leg. I don't actually care for beach balls. Utahraptor: Or you, for that matter! T-Rex [[thought]]: Another rejected overture towards friendship... T-Rex [[thought]]: I really need to get inside his head! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=120 Narrator: SCIENCE VS RELIGION, round three T-Rex: Stupid Science. T-Rex: He thinks he's such hot stuff! T-Rex: Just because there are different religions with different opinions on things, he dismisses them all? T-Rex: Couldn't they all be describing the same shared desire for an understanding of what's bigger than ourselves? T-Rex: You know what Science's problem is? Utahraptor: Oh yeah? You know what Religion's problem is? T-Rex and Utahraptor: You think you have the monopoly on truth! T-Rex: We sure have some good times, eh? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1200 T-Rex: HEY! HEY GOD! HEY God: WHAT T-Rex: LOOK AT ME I'M TALKING LIKE YOU T-Rex: HEY DROMICEIOMIMUS YOU'D BETTER NOT HAVE ANY SEXY FUN TIMES BECAUSE I'M GOD AND I DON'T LIKE THAT Dromiceiomimus: OKAY T-REX T-Rex: I GET JEALOUS OR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW God: T-REX WHEN HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU NOT TO HAVE SEXY FUN TIMES I AM ALL FOR THEM T-Rex: HEY UTAHRAPTOR Utahraptor: T-REX Utahraptor: WHY ARE WE TALKING LIKE THIS T-REX T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR IT IS BECAUSE WE ARE PRETENDING TO BE GOD Utahraptor: RIGHT ON I AM GOING TO BE LATE FOR WORK Utahraptor: I WAS GOING TO BE ON TIME FOR WORK BUT THEN I FORGOT HOW THIS IS A PRIORITY qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1201 T-Rex: ! T-Rex: Guys! I just had a revelation about God! For serious! T-Rex: God is all-knowing and all-seeing, right? So it follows - THROUGH LOGIC - that... that... Dromiceiomimus: Yes? T-Rex: That God has to be the biggest fanboy ever! Who knows more about every Star Trek episode than God? Who knows more about each and every comic, anime and manga series EVER CONCEIVED than God? He's like this ultimate obsessive fanboy nerd! Utahraptor: He even knows everything about VIDEO GAMES, T-Rex. T-Rex: *gasp* You're right! T-Rex: He has encyclopaedic knowledge about every RPG, MMORPG, FPS, RTS, TBS and IF game every made! Utahraptor: Hey. That was a lot of acronyms there. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: God, are you the biggest nerd? God: T-REX ARE YOU THE SASSIEST DINOSAUR T-Rex: Second-place in last month's Sassy-Assy Competition! God: SEE God: I KNEW THAT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1202 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to reminisce about the past! T-Rex: Okay! Here I go! Narrator: SEVERAL MINUTES LATER: T-Rex: DANA was totally flirting with me! T-Rex: Hah! I can't believe I didn't see it at the time. I can't believe I didn't see it until now! Dromiceiomimus: Who's Dana? What'd she do? T-Rex: I went to University with her. She said at the time that she found me handsome, and I said that it was "probably just her own ideas of attractiveness interacting with my own personality and unchangeable genetics." T-Rex: What the heck, past me? T-Rex: I guess I was young and believed no woman could ever find me attractive of her own volition! Utahraptor: Still - pretty bad! T-Rex: But what a nice realization to finally have though, right? Perhaps where were DOZENS of women flirting with me in the past, yet unnoticed! Utahraptor: Instead of looking for dates, you could scour your memories for missed romantic opportunities! T-Rex: What you suggest in jest, I will do with conviction! T-Rex (thinking): Okay... Katherine - no. Muriel - nope. Ermeswindis - yes! Yes! Wait... no. No. Man, thanks for nothing, ERMESWINDIS. T-Rex (thinking): I still think your name's rad though qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1203 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for talking about my love... T-Rex: ...my love of George Clooney, that is!! Dromiceiomimus: I didn't know you liked George Clooney! T-Rex: I love him! I think he's great. He was good in the medical comedy"E/R", the medical drama "ER", and was not the worst Batman from the original movie arc! Dromiceiomimus: Would you say that you're a... Cloonatic? T-Rex: Hah! I would say that I might have a touch of Cloonacy!! T-Rex: Did you know that he was named a "messenger of peace" by the United Nations, Utahraptor? Utahraptor: I did not! T-Rex: Yep! AND, he was given the title of "Sexiest man alive" by People Magazine TWICE. Utahraptor: Too bad you're heterosexual, huh? T-Rex: I know, right? Sometimes I worry I like George Clooney TOO much, but then I realize: there's no such thing as too much love for George Clooney!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: I have Chloomydia qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1204 T-Rex: "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains - a pretty violent image there! I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it..." T-Rex: "... maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem!" Dromiceiomimus: Come on, T-Rex. That's plagiarized. That's a Jerry Seinfeld joke. T-Rex: I know, I know! But he's a funny guy, right? And I was thinking: maybe if I told his jokes, I could get inside his head and understand how he comes up with them. Act like Seinfeld in order to become Seinfeld, you know? Dromiceiomimus: I guess? Utahraptor: This still sounds like an elaborate excuse for plagiarisms! T-Rex: It's really not meant to be! T-Rex: INCIDENTALLY, Utahraptor, somebody just gave me a shower radio! Do I really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. Utahraptor: Yeah. It was funny when Seinfeld said it a decade ago! T-Rex: Come on! It's the exact same joke!! Narrator: PUBLIC SPEAKING: T-Rex:Thank you all for listening today. I'm told to always go out on a joke, so here's a classic Seinfeld gag for you: "Newman!" T-Rex: Wait, no. "Newman." T-Rex: "NEWMAN." T-Rex: Yes. There it is! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1205 Narrator: HI! HERE'S SOME THINGS THAT COULD GO WRONG TODAY! Narrator: UNCONTROLLED WILDFIRES T-Rex: I don't live near trees! Narrator: THEY'LL FIND YOU Narrator: THE AIR SURROUNDING YOU SI THERE DUE TO THE COMPLEX AND RANDOM MOTION OF GAS MOLECULES. IT'S POSSIBLE THAT EACH AND EVERY MOLECULE COULD HAPPEN TO BOUNCE AWAY FROM YOU AT THE EXACT SAME MOMENT, LEAVING YOU ASPHYXIATING TO DEATH IN A COMPLETE VACUUM. T-Rex: That's ASTRONOMICALLY unlikely! Narrator: IT COULD STILL HAPPEN Narrator: OR AN ENEMY COULD BE POISONING YOU TO DEATH, A LITTLE EACH DAY. T-Rex: Man! My enemies SUCK. Utahraptor: Oh my God, mine do too! Narrator: TINY BLACK HOLES COULD BURROW INTO YOUR BODIES, EATING YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT. T-Rex and Utahraptor: If they ened up inside our stomachs, we could eat anything we want and not get fatter!! Narrator: LISTEN Narrator: THAT'S NOT HOW THEY WORK Narrator: OR EVERY ATOM IN YOUR BODY COULD LOSE ITS COHESION AND YOU COULD EXPLODE. T-Rex: Frig! I think I missed my bus! Narrator: SEE? WHAT DID I TELL YOU Narrator: TODAY, MAN: NOTHING BUT PROBLEMS qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1206 T-Rex: BEFORE we had dictionaries, words could be spelt in a variety of different ways. Now that we have dictionaries, spellings are fixed. T-Rex: This I accept! T-Rex: It speeds up reading AND comprehension, and spelling errors give editors "easy points" when looking for something to edit. FINE. But we've lost the ability to encode the way words are spoken: the pronunciation and accents of a speaker! We can get a little of that back through capitalization and creative! punctuation! but still - it's hard in text to tell an Australian from an American, assuming they're both speaking English. T-Rex: The result of this is a proliferation of stereotypes! Utahraptor: How so? T-Rex: Well, say I'm writing a story about Australian Batman and I want to show people that Batman's Australian now. Spelling means I can't rely on his accent, so I'm forced to have him call people "mate" and grimly refer to "shrimps" placed upon "barbies". It's the only way! Utahraptor: Um - pretty sure there are others! Narrator: LATER Utahraptor: And FINALLY, you could just have the narration mention the fact that Batman's Australian, and leave it at that. You don't need to rely on pseudoracist sterotypes! Batman: T-Rex! Just put me in a Crocodile Dundee hat!! [[Batman in T-Rex thought bubble]] qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1207 T-Rex: Attention, everyone: stop misusing "literally"! T-Rex: The word still has meaning, okay? T-Rex: It is not a generic intensifier! T-Rex: If you say that you were so hungry that you literally ate a horse, I want to see evidence that some horse lover is cheezed off at you. Similarly, if you say that you literally ate your heart out, the I want to be talking to a corpse. Or someone with distributed hearts. I don't know. Dromiceiomimus: I'm not sure if one guy can change the way language is used, T-Rex! T-Rex: I am going to try!! T-Rex: And I'm doing it by bringing back "figuratively". Utahraptor: "I'm figuratively bored to death"? T-Rex: Exactly! I'm figuratively sick of intensifiers. What I want are DEintensifiers: words that make it clear that while something might sound amazing, it's actually just being used in a metaphorical sense! Utahraptor: But do you really want a world where people hasten to clarify their metaphors and linguistic flourishes? Utahraptor: T-REX'S IDEAL WORLD: Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, "Figuratively, this was their finest hour." T-Rex: THAT's more like it! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1208 Narrator: HI! HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT COULD GO RIGHT TODAY! T-Rex: Yes! Unbridled optimism appears to be the order of the day! Narrator: YOUR RESPIRATION MIGHT BE UNINTERRUPTED! T-Rex: Nice! Narrator: YOUR CIRCULATORY SYSTEM MIGHT NOT SUFFER CATASTROPHIC FAILURE, LEAVING EVERY ONE OF THE CELLS INSIDE YOUR BODY TO SILENTLY DIE! T-Rex: Excellent! Go, circulatory system! T-Rex: Keep on not suffering catastrophic failures! Narrator: YOUR BRAIN MIGHT NOT STOP FUNCTIONING IN A WAY WE CANNOT DIAGNOSE. T-Rex: I love it when that doesn't happen! Utahraptor: Me too! Narrator: AND FINALLY, YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM MIGHT NOT START RUNNING IN "FULL REVERSE" T-Rex: Hah! Wow, I - I don't even know what form that would take. T-Rex and Utahraptor: But at least it hasn't happened yet!! T-Rex: Wait a minute, that brain one is ambiguous! Do you mean my brain might NOT stop functioning, or that it might CONTINUE to function in an undiagnosable way? Narrator: THE TIME FOR QUESTIONS IS OVER. NOW IS THE TIME FOR UNBRIDLED OPTIMISM T-Rex: Okay qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1209 T-Rex: Everyone knows I look forward to being an old man - that I covet the societal get out of jail free card that being old gives you! People will say, "Oh, don't mind T-Rex! He always pees on his neighbour's flowers." T-Rex: "But it's because he's OLD." T-Rex: But I think my issue is that while I can see myself now (young, vibrant, effervescent) and imagine myself when I'm old (crotchety, petulant, charmingly belligerent), I don't see any in-between stages. The day I start going around with a walker is the day I finally become an old man, and that sucks! That means I'm old as soon as my body's old, and it's way too late to fully enjoy it then. Utahraptor: Don't tell me you're planning to become prematurely old. T-Rex: It is now my stated intention!! T-Rex: And I'm going to start it by calling everyone "my boy". How's it going, my boy? Utahraptor: I'm not your boy. T-Rex: My boy, when you're my age, you get to call all sorts of things all sorts of things! Utahraptor: You're creeping me out. IT DOESN'T WORK IF YOU'RE NOT OLD. T-Rex: My boy, my boy, my boy. T-Rex: Myyy boyyyyyyyy qwantz.com/index.php?comic=121 Narrator: COMPRESSED COMICS COMICS Narrator: today's comic: UNDERSTANDING COMICS by scott mccloud T-Rex: Comics are words or images juxtaposed in deliberate sequence! Narrator: THE END Narrator: COMICS WHERE THE PUNCHLINE IS "NO THANKS, CHUCKLES" Utahraptor: Wan to help me move in to my new apartment? T-Rex: Let's see! Hours of unpaid labour, heavy lifting, getting to see all your laundry... T-Rex: No thanks, Chuckles! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1210 T-Rex: Tableau vivant, or "tableau" is a form of theatre in which the actors strike a pose and then don't move! It's like a living picture. It is, in fact, French for "living picture". T-Rex: And I am the kind of tableau, my friends! Check it out: T-Rex: ...TABLEAU! Utahraptor: Um, you're not supposed to speak during tableau, T-Rex! T-Rex: Beg pardon? Utahraptor: It's motionless AND silent. Interestingly enough, it was favored by early art photographers, as they already needed their subjects to stay motionless for minutes at a time. T-Rex: Huh. Interesting. T-Rex: Anyway. I'm still the best at tableau. Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX ACTUALLY IS THE BEST AT TABLEAU: T-Rex: TABLEAU! T-Rex: {{thought bubble}} I must keep the other actors from discovering my secret to excellent tableau. T-Rex: {{thought bubble}} It's a very competitive business. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1211 Title: HELPFUL TIPS FOR ESSAY WRITING T-Rex: Students! Are you having trouble writing essays? Maybe they're a little short? T-Rex: Maybe just a little? T-Rex: Well then, here are some friggin' tips!! T-Rex: Okay, so everyone knows about making margins wide and using a big font, but teachers know that one too. They see it and they think "Come on, you can do better," and then they uncap their red pens and write "You could use some friggin' tips!" all over your cover page. Dromiceiomimus: Has that ever happened to you? T-Rex: Nope! But that's because *I* happen to use a little friggin' thing called "tips"! Utahraptor: So let's hear these tips then! T-Rex: Prepare yourself to be friggin' fipped, my friend! Ben Chuckles: CUT! Ben Chuckles: I'm sorry, but we don't think you're right for the role. We're really looking for an actor who doesn't add "friggin'" to each of his lines. T-Rex: Well then! T-Rex: It looks like YOU'VE got the wrong friggin' guy!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1212 T-Rex: Man, I don't need that acting job anyway! I can get by on my good looks and charm ANYWAY, and "essay writing tips" are easy. T-Rex: Easy! T-Rex: For example, here's a tip! Maybe you could try understanding the topic at hand and expressing your views on it in a clear yet persuasive manner? Dromiceiomimus: When I was in high school, I'd increase the font size on all my periods from 12 points to 14 points, thereby extending my paper in a way that was very difficult to detect! T-Rex: Dromieciomimus! I am shocked!! Utahraptor: Man, I just added "very" in front of my adjectives! T-Rex: What? For reals? Utahraptor: Of course! It was a great way to extend the length of my essay, AND it made my points more emphatic. "Trees are tall and pretty" became "Trees are very tall and very very pretty. Verily!" T-Rex: What, you were The Mighty Thor? Utahraptor: Only in essays, my friend! Only in essays. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hello, radio call in show? Did you know Utahraptor abused the word "very" in all his essays? Radio Host: I've told you: this isn't an advice show! It's a show about RVs. T-Rex: Okay but did you not hear the rest of my question though? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1213 Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEY ARE WRONG COMICS Narrator: WARNING: use only when somebody is DEFINITELY not correct right now T-Rex: Yes! This will be handy for me, because people is sometimes wrong! Narrator: THE "HEY DID YOU SEE THAT MOVIE" APPROACH: Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, all I'm saying is that i can be just as "manly" as I am now if I don't go "extreme baseball skydiving" with you. T-Rex: Hey, have you see the movie "Boy! Is Dromiceiomimus Ever Wrong."? T-Rex: It's, uh "#8211; T-Rex: It's pretty convincing Narrator: THAT ONE'S PRETTY FUN. YOU GET TO MAKE UP DIFFERENT MOVIE TITLES Narrator: FUN TIMES Narrator: THE DIRECT APPROACH: Utahraptor: I think maybe there are other options! Narrator: THIS ONE ISN'T SO FUNNY ACTUALLY Narrator: YOU CAN ALSO TRY USING BODY LANGUAGE: T-Rex: That sounds like a GREAT idea! Now I'll be backing away from you with my arms held up in a "don't shoot" position. 1st Off-page voice: Guys! I think he's using body language to criticize our idea!! 2nd Off-page voice: Let's mug him anyway! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1214 T-Rex: I like it when commercials license pop songs and then make up their own product centric lyrics. It's a window into an alternate corporate-controlled universe! T-Rex: An alternate corporate controlled universe where all songwriters have brain damage? T-Rex: The lyrics are always so terrible and the songs entirely arbitrary. It's like - it's like they license "Candle in the Wind" and then have some Elton John sound-alike singing "Goodbye, Norma Jeane / Did you ever / Use Duracell / They make some fine batteries / On this we all should dwell" Dromiceiomimus: Hah! You know, I'd watch that commercial. T-Rex: It's so representative! Utahraptor: Now do "Somewhere Over The Rainbow"! T-Rex: Sure! Um... how about - T-Rex: "Someone's Sara-Lee branded / cherry pie / makes me glad that I've heard that / they're now in high supply" Utahraptor: Hilarious! It makes me want to buy a Sara-Lee branded cherry pie. T-Rex: It's not that hard! You just imagine being good, and then don't do that. Narrator: THAT EVENING (SET TO THE TUNE OF "WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD"): Radio (quietly): I see leaves of green / red onions too / I see them here, for me and you / And I think to myself: / "What A Wonderful Pre-Packaged Asian-Style Salad from Loblaw's Grocery." T-Rex: Man, *I* did WAY better than that!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1215 T-Rex: Man, who hasn't written a story about a Man With A Problem for a while? Is it me? T-Rex: I'm pretty sure the answer is "YES!" T-Rex: So my new story will be about a man whose problem is he weeps all the time. He's not sad, his eyes just produce water like it's going out of style. And he tells everyone that it's just a biological thing and he's very happy to see them, but they all suspect he's sad. They say "Are you alright?" and he says "YES dammit I just got leaky eyes." Then he locks his weeping eyes with them and says "What's for dinner?" Utahraptor: It sounds like he's a pretty unsettling character! T-Rex: No man, he's nice! He just weeps all the time. T-Rex: I'm going to use it to explore PREJUDICE. What's it like to be a man of tears in a world where most men don't even like to cry at weddings? He faces a lot of preconceptions. Utahraptor: How does he deal with it? T-Rex: Sometimes, in his most private moments - the tears are real. Story Quote: The airline had a strict "no crybabies" policy, and wouldn't let him board, no matter how he protested. Prejudice. He pointed at his eyes. "See these? These are tears of PITY." But as he stormed out of the terminal, he knew that they were really tears of frustration, mixed with the standard tears he always produced. T-Rex: I don't know, self! I still kinda suspect that this sucks! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1216 T-Rex: It turns out there actually is a disease where you cry all of the time! Dacryorrhea! I made it up, but it already exists. T-Rex: This is not the first time this has happened! T-Rex: There's TONS of horrible diseases that sound like they're just made up by somebody, but actually do exist. Fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva, in which connective tissue becomes bone, freezing a person in place! The Capgras delusion, in which loved ones appear to be replaced by identical imposters! And these are just the two I know about. T-Rex: And THEN, there's the diseases that are familiar because they're so common, but still messed up! Utahraptor: Such as? T-Rex: Man, Alzheimer's? I mean, I know this disease has always been an issue for me, but it's so terrible. And honestly, it sounds like something out of bad fiction. It's ridiculous on the same level as "always cries". It shouldn't happen. Utahraptor: I don't know what to tell you, man! T-Rex: God, how come we live in a world where these awful diseases exist? God: T-REX HOW COME YOU WALK AROUND THE DOWNTOWN CORE NAKED T-Rex: Man! These two questions better not have the same answer!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1217 T-Rex: Here are some more things that can go wrong with your body! Hypochondriacs: YOU ALREADY HAVE EVERY ONE OF THESE DISEASES! There is no room for doubt!! T-Rex: First disease: fatal familial insomnia! T-Rex: This is basically what it sounds like: fatal insomnia. First you have trouble sleeping, then you can't sleep at all, then you go demented and then you die. Dromiceiomimus: Isn't that an inherited disease? T-Rex: PERHAPS!! Utahraptor: But you can't catch an inherited disease. You're just egging on hypochondriacs! T-Rex: Man, they could inherit it! Utahraptor: The gene required for it has been found in, what, less than 30 families WORLDWIDE? They're more likely to be struck by lightning, or hit by a car, or, I don't know, punched by a sheep or something. T-Rex: Sheep can't punch. Utahraptor: They'll learn if you don't stop goading hypochondriacs. Narrator: Later: Sheep: Baaaaaa T-Rex: Oooh, what's this, a sheep? What are you going to do, PUNCH ME? Sheep: Baaaa maybe baaaaaa qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1218 T-Rex: A few months ago I said I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. It turns out it's a lot of work? T-Rex: But guys! I still totally want to be a stand-up comedian! T-Rex: So I've been doing RESEARCH. I've been going to Comedy Club after Komedy Klub and figuring out how their performers make jokes. It's easy to duplicate the bad comedians, but it's hard to figure out the good ones! Dromiceiomimus: How so? T-Rex: Comedy relies on surprise, I think! There's a twist that makes a joke funny, and I haven't figured out a generative algorithm yet. Utahraptor: Hey, I wanted to try stand-up, too! T-Rex: Then come with me tonight: we'll go to a show! Narrator: AFTER THE SHOW: T-Rex: Man! How do those guys do it? Every comedian up there was HILARIOUS and I don't know why. Especially the Triceratops. Utahraptor: Comedy's hard, I guess. T-Rex: I just can't figure out these...these Dinosaur Comics. God: OH GOD T-Rex: What? T-Rex: You know what? It's really weird when you say that. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1219 The Devil: GREETINGS T-REX ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE NEWEST ENTRY IN THE POPULAR YET CONTROVERSIAL "GRAND THEFT AUTO" SERIES OF VIDEO GAMES T-Rex: Yes! The Devil: GUESS WHAT The Devil: I MADE IT T-Rex: Oh no you didn't! T-Rex: We don't need people hearing that the DEVIL HIMSELF is now claiming credit for GTA IV. Oh my goodness, that's just what "video game watchdogs" want. They're just realizing it now as I'm saying this, but in their heart of hearts they want the Devil to stand up and claim credit for GTA IV. I'm not letting you do that!! The Devil: BUT I ASSURE YOU The Devil: IT REMAINS SOME OF MY FINEST WORK T-Rex: Baloney! You don't even have a console that can run it. Utahraptor: Huh? The Devil: PROBABLY I CAN BORROW ONE T-Rex: The Devil is claiming credit for GTA IV. He wants to undermine the entire gaming industry. Utahraptor: That's kinda evil, isn't it? I thought he was, you know, more Aspergers than adversary. The Devil: I GUESS I PARTICULARLY ENJOYED PROGRAMMING ALL THE MURDER SIMULATOR PARTS T-Rex: This stops here! Admit you had nothing to do with GTAIV, The Devil! The Devil: FINE T-Rex: Now admit that you had everything to do with people saying "utilize" when they could just say "use". The Devil: MMM The Devil: NEVER qwantz.com/index.php?comic=122 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to become a famous author! T-Rex: To that end, I will write a novel! T-Rex: It will be about a young man who wakes up one morning to find himself transformed into a giant insect-like creature! T-Rex: I will call my book, "The Metamorphazoid". T-Rex: The story ends when the young man, whom I shall call "Gregory", dies, scorned by his family and loved ones! Utahraptor: T-Rex! Utahraptor: I'm concerned that the plot to your novel seems a little familiar. T-Rex: Do you mean to imply that I've plagiarized it, good sir? Utahraptor: I do! T-Rex: Why, what cheek! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1220 T-Rex: I have a Problem as a reader, as a Consumer of Fictional and Non-Fictional Worlds. My problem is this: T-Rex: I really don't think dreams are important? T-Rex: I didn't think that MOST people thought that dreams were all that important, but I must be in a minority, because I keep seeing fiction that uses dreams as very significant symbolism. And the worst is when stories end on these significant Dreams, because in my mind, I'm thinking "This is ridiculous; when will we get back to the real story? This is entirely irrelevant." and then it's over and I think "Oh. Huh." Utahraptor: You really can't get past your opinion on dreams? T-Rex: I can't. Nor do I want to! T-Rex: They're random firings of sleepy brains.They're stupid stuff that my brain does to entertain itself when I'm not around to make it look at chicks or punches. Utahraptor: I mean, I agree with you, but I can still accept dreams as a narrative device. T-Rex: Never!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex's story: Hamlet II dreamed he was the lead singer of C+C Music Factory. He woke up. "C+C Music Factory?" he thought shaking his head. "How irrelevant." He then focused himself on the seriously erotic business of being Hamlet II. T-Rex: There! Sex AND politics! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1221 T-Rex: Writing fiction certainly isn't hard. Not when you have tips! God: FRIGGIN' TIPS T-Rex: Right. Not when you have friggin' tips! Narrator: WRITING TIPS COMICS T-Rex: Sometimes it can be hard to name characters. Here's a tip: name them after other, more famous characters, and add in some Roman numerals! If you want to show that a character is tough, name him Genghis II. If your character is this big lover guy who has fallen for, um, a 14-year-old, call him "Romeo IV"! Hey presto! Suddenly your characters write themselves! Utahraptor: "Genghis II punched Romeo IV on the nose." doesn't sound like good drama! T-Rex: Are you kidding? T-Rex: ATTENTION, EVERYONE! Genghis II punched Romeo IV on the nose! Passers By 1 and 2: Wow! Passer By 3: I really want to hear more!! Utahraptor: Man, passers by always take your side! It's ridiculous! Utahraptor: Listen, I'll talk to you later. Passers By 1, 2, and 3: So what happens next, mysterious stranger? We still really want to hear more! T-Rex: Um... Genghis II and Romeo IV decide... to take you all to the fair! Passer By 1: Yay! Passer By 2: Yaaaay! Passer By 3 (small text): but i've already been to the fair qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1222 T-Rex: When I die, nobody say "he's at peace now", okay? I'm so serious right now. T-Rex: Say something better, like "I can't believe he ate the whole thing!" Dromiceiomimus: What's wrong with "He's at peace"? It's nice. T-Rex: It's demeaning! It suggests that the whole point of life is to be at peace, like it's this goal that we should all achieve, and I'M kind of a screw up but at least I achieved it by dying! It's like telling the kids who came in last in a three-legged race that the REAL goal was just to finish. Utahraptor: I think it's supposed to be taken in a "his suffering is over" sort of way. T-Rex: Oh. Well. That makes more sense. T-Rex: Did you at least like my comparison of life to a three-legged race? Utahraptor: It was a little confusing! You need a partner for a three legged race, but you can easily go through life profoundly alone. T-Rex: Wow. That's - that's true. T-Rex: *sigh* Narrator: LATER: Mr. Tusks: Hullo T-Rex! Can I ask you a question? It won't take a minute. T-Rex: Oh, Mr. Tusks! Your delightful minute (as in time) and minute (as in tiny) pun has cheered me right up!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1223 T-Rex: I really don't understand racism. I get it at a "hey, here's what it is" level, but I don't understand how someone can really BE racist. Don't they feel kind of... ridiculous? T-Rex: Anyway! With this in mind, I am going to become totally racist!! T-Rex: But in order to keep my friends and Status in Society, I am going to be fake racist. I'm going to be racist against folks who - who say "y'all". Dromiceiomimus: That's still an identifiable group of society, T-Rex! T-Rex: TRUE. Plus I too say "y'all" when the situation demands it of me. Okay, I'm racist against people who... wear running shoes to the opera? Utahraptor: Wow, you hate people who appreciate culture but who can't afford expensive artifacts? T-Rex: FINE. NO I DON'T. T-Rex: Look, the whole point was to experience prejudice from the inside. I just need a safe racism! Utahraptor: You need something random. How about folks who have red hair? T-Rex: That's genetic! Utahraptor! That's the worst fake racism yet!! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Okay. Everyone, pick a number between one and ten! Passerby: If I pick nine, you'd better not be racist against me! T-Rex: HEY. HEY. T-Rex: NO PROMISES qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1224 T-Rex: WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH MY ANKLE. T-Rex: HOLY CRAP. Narrator: BACKSTORY: T-REX HAS HURT HIS ANKLE! Dromiceiomimus: Maybe you should go see a doctor, T-Rex! T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you have stumbled upon my shameful secret! I- I don't have a family doctor! Dromiceiomimus: Hey, it's no big deal. You can go to a clinic, or you can look up doctors in your area and make an appointment. Narrator: LATER: Utahraptor: So, how's your ankle? T-Rex: Utahraptor! It's so awesome! T-Rex: I mean, my ankle still hurts, but I was looking up doctors in the area and there's so many that have awesome names. There's a Doctor Plumber! And a Doctor Dinner! A Doctor SENSIBLE. Utahraptor: Which one are you going to? T-Rex: Um, the best one of them all??? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Dr. Doctor, what's the latest on my ankle? Dr. Doctor: As I said before, I believe you may have a hairline fracture. T-Rex: Dr. Doctor! T-Rex: I like your name qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1225 T-Rex: The problem with Superman, and Spider-Man, AND Batman, and pretty much every other superhero, is that their stories don't have ends. They're all stuck in the same productive age range, 20-30 years old, and it's easy to see why! T-Rex: Companies don't want their most popular characters dying of old age! T-Rex: But the result is that their stories don't have ENDS. We don't know how Batman deals with a failing body and the rigours of old age, how Spider-Man reacts when Mary Jane loses her looks. I mean, we DO, because sometimes out-of-continuity stories explore this, but they're never for real - they don't count! Bats is always 30 again in the next story. It's like David fights Goliath, but they keep fighting every few issues for 50 years, and you never see how it ends. Utahraptor: You know, there are a lot of interesting parallels here with soap operas! T-Rex: How so? Utahraptor: Soaps have long-running narratives, but characters die all the time. The difference is soaps focus on PREMISE rather than individuals, so they're not killing a cash cow when someone dies. They just bring in someone new! T-Rex: So Batman dies, and the book focuses on his butler Alfred working for Spider-Man instead! [[T-Rex's thought bubble: Alfred: Sir, I am old and conservative. You can't expect me to "loosen up" overnight. Spider-Man: Alfred, I'm young and liberal! I don't like your "rules"!! T-Rex: Gentlemen, gentlemen!! Please!]] T-Rex: YES. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1226 T-Rex: I've come up with a great way to make any otherwise-flattering compliment totally creepy. It's so easy! T-Rex: You just have to follow it up with "I like that in a woman"! T-Rex: An example! Dromiceiomimus, you've got a very pretty body! Dromiceiomimus: Um, thanks, I guess! T-Rex: Now compare and contrast: Dromiceiomimus, you've got a very pretty body! I like that in a woman. Dromiceiomimus: Oh God. Let's never talk again. Utahraptor: Hey, I bet it works on men too! T-Rex: There's one way to find out, my friend! T-Rex: Utahraptor, you're a friendly guy. I like that in a woman. T-Rex: Wait, hold on; I think I know how to fix this. Utahraptor, you're pretty gay! I like that in a man. T-Rex: Wait. Huh? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Your honour, you seem very competent! I like that in a woman. Judge: Are you trying to go to jail? T-Rex: Are you trying to be... um, everything that I like in a woman? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1227 Narrator: "HORSES VS. TRAINS" T-Rex: Ah, the age-old debate! Horses are okay. T-Rex: If you don't have any trains around, that is!! T-Rex: Horses eat grass. Trains are huge multi-ton machines that GET THINGS DONE. And then when you think trains are as great as it gets, you discover maglev trains! These are literal HOVERTRAINS that wrote in their diaries, "Screw it, diary! I'm just gonna go as fast as I can from now on!!" and then they go 581 km/h like it's no big deal. NICE. Horses eat grass, and SOMETIMES, hop over buckets. Utahraptor: I guess the old stereotype of boys liking trains is true! T-Rex: Come on, that's dumb! T-Rex: I like trains because they're big complicated machines that NOT ONLY get folks places quickly, but also, threaten maidens tied to the tracks by mustachio-twirling villains. If horses could do that I would like horses too. Utahraptor: I'm pretty sure horses CAN do that. T-Rex: WELL THEN. I GUESS I'M A FAN OF HORSES. Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: EXCUSE ME LIBRARIAN DO YOU HAVE ANY BOOKS ON HORSES Librarian: Yes sir! We have books on many topics, here at your local library! T-Rex: THANK YOU PRETTY SURE ONE WILL SUFFICE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1228 T-Rex: Everyone! T-Rex: Let's pretend the Earth is going to explode at midnight tonight! Dromiceiomimus: Aw crap! The world is going to explode at midnight tonight! T-Rex: I know, right? Who are you going to hang out with? If you try to reach a single person who's far away, it means you can't visit people closer to you that maybe, cumulatively, you like more! Dromiceiomimus: Ah, it's no biggie! I'll just divide how much I like someone by their distance from me. Utahraptor: Personally, I'm just flattered you're hanging out with us! T-Rex: Yeah, I guess I am! T-Rex: Well, Utahraptor, the planet is exploding at the end of the day. Anything you wish you'd done before you die? Utahraptor: I mean, YEAH, but nothing I can see through to completion in a few hours. T-Rex: Personally, I'M going to eat a lot of junk food, since who cares about heart disease now? NOT ME! Narrator: FIFTY YEARS LATER: T-Rex: man, SCREW heart disease qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1229 T-Rex: Man, who is the dude who dropped his wallet in the toilet last night? WAS IT ME? T-Rex: DEFINITELY NOT. Dromiceiomimus: Hey, T-Rex, did you drop your wallet in my - T-Rex: You've got the wrong guy, my friend! Dromiceiomimus: Okay, it's just - there was a wallet in my toilet this morning, and you left last night in a hurry, saying you'd "Need to visit the wallet store soon" but then came back once and clarified that you were pretending you were a friend of yours when you said that. Utahraptor: Yeah, the evidence against you does look pretty bad! T-Rex: I've got my wallet right here! Utahraptor: Okay, you're posed like you're hiding your wallet from me, but I can see that your hands are empty, and there's nowhere else you could hide it. T-Rex: I - Utahraptor: Listen, if you want your wallet back, Dromiceiomimus left it inside your mailbox. Narrator: MEANWHILE, AT THE MAILBOX: T-Rex: Aw man! There's probably pee on it! Narrator: OH MY GOSH, T-REX'S TWIN BROTHER?? NO, IT'S T-REX! I MESSED UP WITH "MEANWHILE" AND SHOULD'VE SAID "MUCH LATER". Narrator: THIS IS CALLED "WRITING" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=123 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for sharing secrets! Narrator: SECRET SHARING COMICS T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus, want to know a secret? Dromiceiomimus: Sure! T-Rex:Alright, but you have to promise not to tell anyone! Dromiceiomimus: Ok! T-Rex: Ok, my secret is that I stole the Utahraptor's couch last night! Don't tell him, alright? Utahraptor: T-Rex, have you seen my couch? It's gone missing! T-Rex: Oh? Utahraptor: Yes, and there were T-Rex prints all over my shag carpet. T-Rex: Well, ah, heh- T-Rex: You see, the thing is... T-Rex: um T-Rex: Can I let you in on a secret? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1230 T-Rex: There are not enough internet acronyms. If I want to speak entirely in internet acronyms like LOL and ROFL - T-Rex: - WHICH I DO - T-Rex: - then my emotions are limited only to the crudest of feelings! I can laugh out loud or I can roll on (the) floor laughing, but what if I'm chuckling? What if I have a condescending smirk that fades into a distant smile of recognition? What if I want to communicate the nostalgia you have for an old girlfriend when you're dating someone who's way better, but you still miss her sometimes? IS THERE AN ACRONYM FOR THAT, INTERNET?? Utahraptor: "IMMOGBNR" T-Rex: Immogebeaner? Utahraptor: Yep! Stands for "I Miss My Old Girlfriend, But Not Really" Used all the time T-Rex: Huh! Is there one for, like, groups of people who draw pictures of kinky sex? Utahraptor: Sure! "We Illustrate Kinks Involving Phallocentric Europhia During Intercourse. Awesome." T-Rex: WIKIPEDIA! Oh my God! has it stood for that all along? Utahraptor: It's the Secret Mission of Wikipedia! Don't tell anyone, okay? T-Rex: Hah! Awesome! T-Rex: ...Why didn't they just say so? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1231 Narrator: AWKWARD MOMENT COMICS ] [: T-Rex: Earlier today my nose was like, "Hey, T-Rex! I'm gonna leak blood for no reason!" and I was all "...Awesome?" T-Rex: And as it turns out... it is not that awesome? T-Rex: And it seems I bled all over my pillow during the night, and then when I woke up my face AND sheets were covered in blood! Dromiceiomimus: Was that awesome, at least? T-Rex: Not really! It was disturbing until I realized what happened, and then it was still kinda disturbing, but in a "I wish I slept with someone on a regular basis because they'd be so FREAKED OUT by this" kinda way. T-Rex: But, I don't! Utahraptor: Don't what? T-Rex: Don't sleep with someone on a regular basis. Anyway, what's new with you? I'm talking about my nose that leaks blood. Utahraptor: Not much! I bought a new patio set! T-Rex: Sweet! Narrator: SUDDENLY, T-REX HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO SAY! IT IS THE AWKWARD MOMENT PROMISED IN THE TITLE CARD. T-Rex: uh T-Rex: Can I come over and - T-Rex: ...bleed my nose on it? Narrator: NICE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1232 Narrator: WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CARTOON STEREOTYPE COMICS T-Rex: Oh man. The heart pounding out-of-the-chest "I'm in love" reaction shot! T-Rex: Second ONLY to the "I'm so angry my head is now a steamwhistle, toot toot" motif. T-Rex: If I had three wishes - and the wishes had to be about cartoon stereotypes being real, I guess - then those are the two I'd choose. The third one would be "no falling when running off cliffs unless you look down and notice you're running on air", because that, my friends, would be HANDY. T-Rex: Free bridges for the strong-willed! Utahraptor: I would have thought you'd choose the bullet hole / water one! T-Rex: Which one's that? Utahraptor: It's the one where you're shot with a machine gun, and then later you're thirsty, and then you drink water, and then the water springs out of the holes in your body. T-Rex: Hilarious!! Plus, it offers some resistance to machine gun fire. Utahraptor: Exactly! It's right up your alley. God: T-REX IN HEAVEN THE BULLET HOLE WATER THING HAPPENS TO ANYONE WHO DIED FROM BEING MACHINE GUNNED IN THE CHEST God: LISTEN God: I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON A SOLUTION qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1233 T-Rex: I'm cold-blooded! Check it and see. T-Rex: My body temperature matches the environment's to within a small degree! Dromiceiomimus: You're cold-blooded? T-Rex: I'm cold-blooded! Utahraptor: No you're not, T-Rex! T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. Utahraptor: The whole idea of the cold/warm blooded binary is discredited. It turns out there's an entire spectrum of thermal management possibilities between these two misleadingly-named endpoints! In any case, you're warm blooded. T-Rex: Well! That settles that! T-Rex: Now on to my next topic of conversation! When people say "I want you inside of me," isn't that weird? T-Rex: I - I think it's weird. T-Rex: *sigh* qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1235 T-Rex: I don't want to be a police officer, and the reason is simple! T-Rex: I would end up hating everyone! T-Rex: Not only would I meet rapists and murderers KINDA OFTEN, I GUESS, but I'd also regularly see domestic violence, petty crime, people being mean to each other, chicks and dudes who punch each other in the head with knives this time, and so on. Not cool! After seeing that day in and day out, I would start to suspect that everyone sucks and has a case of the ILLEGAL CRAZIES. I'd lose my optimism and faith in the world! Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is basically the spotlight fallacy! T-Rex: You think so? Utahraptor: Yeah! By being a cop, you'd automatically see people who require the services of cops way more often than those who don't. You're blasting your data set the same way that folks who see well publicized reports about "Pedophiles! On the INTERNET!!" do when they conclude that everyone online is big into kids. T-Rex: Well, to be fair, Benny's a pedophile, and he's on the internet. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, BENNY?? Benny: I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE!! I am a LEDOPHILE, that is to say, an enthusiast of the tiny Indian village of Ledo! T-Rex: Benny, look, you gotta find a better name for that. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1236 T-Rex: You know those suicide barriers that are placed on some bridges? They're usually things like closely-spaced metal wires going up and running the length of the bridge, to prevent folks from hopping over the edge. T-Rex: They freak me right the heck out! T-Rex: They're such a crazy symbol for our society! We have them there because if we didn't, MEMBERS OF OUR COMMUNITY would kill themselves. We need physical barriers to stop this from happening. If you look at it as a benchmark for our society, it's so weird! We have to change our environment to make it difficult to off ourselves, otherwise we'd all be committing suicide? What are we doing wrong? Utahraptor: Come on, society doesn't make us all suicidal! It only makes a FEW people suicidal. T-Rex: Sure! T-Rex: But even so, if suicidal folks really want to kill themselves, these barriers won't stop them. They'll just go somewhere else. Utahraptor: But they DO prevent spur of the moment suicides! T-Rex: These are symptoms! We should be working on the causes! Utahraptor: Social programs DO work on the causes!! Banner: SUICIDE IN COMICS Narrator: "WHAT IS THE DEAL" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1237 T-Rex: To convert to Islam, all you have to do is say a few words, called the "Shahadah". And then, hey presto, you're a Muslim! T-Rex: THIS KNOWLEDGE MAKES ME FEEL CRAZY. T-Rex: A new religion is just a few words away! Dromiceiomimus! I feel the same craziness I would feel if I discovered that, I don't know - I could change my GENDER by just reciting a sentence or so. Crazy with POWER! Dromiceiomimus: Well, T-Rex, the whole point is that you say these words with conviction and understanding and honestly accept their meaning. It's not like - T-Rex: I know, I know. IT'S NOT LIKE SUMMONING BEETLEJUICE. T-Rex: And yet, I still feel like I've discovered the ability to summon Beetlejuice! Utahraptor: You're really into this, eh? T-Rex: Yeah! It blows my mind that there's a phrase you have to say. There's TESTS to become Jewish, and you can be Buddhist just by saying so. But Islam is right in the middle! No tests, just a magic phrase! Utahraptor: I'm not sure you're the best person to have this knowledge, T-Rex! Also, don't call it a "magic phrase". Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Excuse me! Uh, do Muslims have to pay sales taxes here? Off-panel speaker: ...Yes? T-Rex: What about people who hear God tell them to "lose a few pounds, chubbs"? Off-panel speaker: Um, especially them? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1238 T-Rex: I've been writing a romance novel! T-Rex: Or more precisely, I've been sucking SURPRISINGLY HARD at writing a romance novel! T-Rex: It's terrible, Dromiceiomimus! All my life I was certain that explosions could spice up ANY narrative, but I've been blowing my main characters up ALL THE TIME and they're still not that interesting! Check this out: "Antonio Tony and Samantha were explosive-expert friends who decided one day to try kissing each other. It wasn't that bad! Later on, one of them decided that it was actually pretty bad." T-Rex:THE END? Utahraptor: I think your problem is you're focusing on plot! T-Rex: How do you figure? Utahraptor: Romance is about two CHARACTERS meeting and falling in love, but all you've got is narrative. We don't really know anything about your protagonists, so we don't care what happens to them. Flesh them out! T-Rex: Oh kay! T-Rex's Story: Samantha was a cowgirl, always on the lookout for a SPUR-of-the-moment marriage. Antonio Tony was a horse enthusiast. "I hope to be SADDLED with a wife soon!" he thought to himself. They waved wildly at each other across the open plains. T-Rex: Utahraptor, come quick! My story's amazing!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1239 T-Rex: In some comics when a character is confused, rather than saying anything in particular, they just say a question mark. T-Rex: I love that shit! T-Rex: I mean, I love that STUFF. I love that they have the ability to be so confused that the only response is a question mark, the essence of pure confusion. Sometimes they also speak with the essence of pure exclamation, and at others, with the essence of pure ellipsis. T-Rex: Anyway, this is a skill I've developed in real life! Utahraptor: How? I don't know how you'd even pronounce a question mark. T-Rex: Check it out, buddy! T-Rex: questionmark! Utahraptor: Hey, you know what's weak? Saying "question mark" really fast. T-Rex: Hold on, I can do this! Okay. T-Rex: $ T-Rex: Oh my God!! I'd never actually pulled it off before! That was amazing! Utahraptor: It sounded like the sound dogs make when they're just about to throw up. T-Rex: $$$$$ qwantz.com/index.php?comic=124 T-Rex: I wonder if there is an essential "feminine", one that transcends histories and cultures? T-Rex: Similarly, could I myself be the essential "masculine"? T-Rex: Why, I believe I could! What am I besides the real, true essence of "male-ness", the invariable and fixed properties which define masculine for now and forever? T-Rex: I sure am great! T-Rex: Truly, I am the epitome of the male form! Dromiceiomimus: I disagree! Dromiceiomimus: I think it's pretty clear, T-Rex, that I am the epitome of the male form. Dromiceiomimus: And you'd better call a plumber, because pipes are going to burst! T-Rex: "Pipes" means "muscles", right? T-Rex: That's slang, right? T-Rex: Slang of today's youth culture? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1240 T-Rex: Guys! My romance novel still has a terminal case of the totally sucks! T-Rex: I'm thinking, maybe I have no business writing romantical-like stories? T-Rex: I've got CHARACTERS but no spark. They're not falling in love with each other! They're staring at each other across open plains in the sunset, but when they finally meet up they shake hands cordially. THEN, after a lengthy silence, they inquire about the weather. How do people friggin' fall in love!? Utahraptor: Physical attractiveness is a good start! T-Rex: I tried that! T-Rex: I ended up with EROTICA, Utahraptor. And I felt very off sitting there, writing about two imaginary people THAT I MADE UP having sex with each other. Utahraptor: Maybe try making them celibate? T-Rex: Then there can't be sexy times at all. That's not a bad idea! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Okay, I am writing ROMANCE here. No sex! Novel Excerpt: Shortly after celibately inquiring about the weather, Samantha exclaimed, "Antonio! I am definitely 'going oral' on you right now!" T-Rex: ...Alright. I'll use that as the title. T-Rex: BUT THAT'S IT! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1241 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for assuming that there's such thing as a soul! T-Rex: Assumption: assumed! T-Rex: And given this assumption, and the assumption that people care about exploring the idea of a soul, we can easily cast ghosts and zombies as the investigation of the soul-having experience that they are. For what are ghosts, but souls without a body? And what are zombies, but bodies without a soul? T-Rex: In summary and in conclusion, ghosts and zombies allow us to explore the intricacies of soul (and body!) ownership. Utahraptor: So why are both these "explorations of the soul" found in horror stories? T-Rex: It's easy! T-Rex: As people with bodies AND assumed souls, we find the idea of divorcing one from the other terrifying; therefore, the only way we can explore the consequences of these is through the lens of horror. Tada! Utahraptor: Honestly, I think your theory is a little pat. It doesn't consider all possibilities! Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER, T-REX MEETS A ZOMBIE GHOST! T-Rex: Utahraptor, you were right!! I met a zombie ghost! He wanted to eat brains but his teeth passed right through brains!! Utahraptor: Oh yeah? T-Rex: I would describe him as "pretty frustrated" qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1242 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for helping folks grappling with grief from the loss of a loved one! T-Rex: That's right! T-Rex: Leave it to me to totally solve your emotional problems! T-Rex: There are many kinds of grief, so I've focused on a particular flavour. When, say, a big meteor hits a dude square on the head and kills him, that's sad. HOWEVER, at the same time, it's also extremely amazing and awesome. It can be hard to reconcile these two, conflicting, emotions. Dromiceiomimus: So what's your solution? T-Rex: I propose a new word! Utahraptor: Have you noticed how that's your solution to every problem? T-Rex: And have you noticed how it ALWAYS WORKS? T-Rex: Today I propose a word meaning "extremely sad, but also extremely amazing". It can be hard to pull off that emotion; you don't want people thinking you're TOO into how amazing it was. But if you say, "I'm very [my new word] right now", everyone understands! Grief has become easier to navigate! T-Rex: I call my new word "sawesome"! Utahraptor: Sawesome. T-Rex: Like sad and awesome? T-Rex: Someone dropped an arrow out of a plane and it nailed my friend in the eye and it was extremely sawesome? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1243 T-Rex: Guess who has thier first nightmare EVER last night? If you guessed me, then HELLS YES that was the correct guess! Narrator: T-REX'S FIRST NIGHTMARE T-Rex: A bunch of us were hanging out in a house, some went outside, and then a nuclear bomb was dropped in the distance and we could see a mushroom cloud in the sky. I ran to the door to close it and pressed up against it as the windows in the house blew inward and radioactive dust covered us all. THEN, after it was quier and we ventured outside, I ran into my friends who surved, but we all agreed we'd had too much radiation and wouldn't make it. It was really realistic! Utahraptor: Sounds like a pretty standard nightmare, my friend! T-Rex: I know! I was stoked! T-Rex: But then these - stupid atomic zombies showed up? And they started zapping us with cheap-ass lightning bolts coming otu of thier eyes? It was super dumb, Urahraptor. It was that cheap 60s lightning where they just draw it directly on the film T-Rex and Utahraptor: Zombies don't even have lightning powers! T-Rex: The REAL nightmare was how poorly my subconscious understands zombies! Voice: Also the atomic bomb being dropped on you. T-Rex: That as well. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1244 T-Rex: Someone thinks my email address belongs to somebody else! They keep sending me pictures of their newborn baby, addressed to one "Ren? Wellek". As such, I HAVE BECOME REN? WELLEK. T-Rex: The course of my life has now been set! T-Rex: Normally when this happens, I write back the sender and let them know they've got the wrong address, but this time is different. They sent me four separate sets of baby pictures, covering the first four days of her life! I've already seen this baby grow up four days! I have a RELATIONSHIP with her now, and I've decided: I'm in for the long haul. Utahraptor: You're not going to correct them? T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: I've become their silent friend Ren?, watching this baby grow up over the years. I'll see her first steps! Her first birthday! And in 18 or so years, I'll have tears in my eyes as my computer pings and her high school grad pictures download into my inbox... Utahraptor: Little creepy, T-Rex! Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Okay, here's the news: I am not your friend Ren? but I am just as good. My name is T-Rex and I am a good role model. I brush my teeth regularly and when I forget to I tell myself to try HARDER. Basically, what I am saying here is "I am a stranger on the internet who has taken a particular interest in your child" T-Rex: Perfect! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1245 T-Rex: I wonder what things would be like if I could READ MY FRIEND'S THOUGHTS?? God: T-REX YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE FRIEND T-Rex: Thanks, God! I totally noticed! God: NO, BUT MY POINT IS YOU PUNCTUATED THAT IMPROPERLY God: WHEN YOU WANT TO SHOW POSSESSION ON A PLURAL NOUN THAT ENDS WITH AN S YOU HAVE TO PUT THE APOSTROPHE AFTER THE S OTHERWISE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A SINGLE FRIEND INSTEAD OF PLENTY OF THEM T-Rex: There's no way you could know what punctuation I was using! There's NO WAY. God: I'M KINDA GOD THOUGH T-Rex: Still! Impossible! Utahraptor: What is? T-Rex: God knowing if I put the apostrophe in the wrong place in homophonic spoken language!! Utahraptor: Well, isn't that the old paradox? Can God create a sentence with grammar so bad, even HE can't correct it? T-Rex: I CREATED THE SENTENCE. IT'S FINE. T-Rex [thinks]: Secretly, I did punctuate that sentence improperly! God: I HEARD THAT T-Rex [thinks]: Forget you, man! God: I HEART THAT TOO T-Rex [thinks]: Aghglug glag ghag God: SO UH God: THAT ONE DIDN'T MAKE SENSE qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1246 Narrator: COMPRESSED FILM COMICS Narrator: today's film: Narrator: WARGAMES T-Rex: I am Matthew Broderick: computer hacker! T-Rex: And I've accidentally wardialed my way into a secret military computer that I mistake for a game developer's machine. I believe I will play this mysterious game called "GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WAR" Dromiceiomimus: Let's bomb Los Angeles! T-Rex: Kay! Incidentally, I use an acoustic coupler as a modem, and that's so retro it's cool again. Dromiceiomimus: No argument here Utahraptor: I'm a US Military Agent! T-Rex: Holy smokes! Utahraptor: You're under arrest for hacking into our computer and also it's still playing your game and it controls our nukes and it's definitely going to start WW ]|[ by launching them against the Soviets. Cold War, remember? T-Rex: No worries! I will teach it the MADness of its actions through zillions of tied games of Tic-Tac-Toe! Narrator: LATER: JOSHUA: A strange game, Matthew Broderick. It seems the only winning move is not to play. T-Rex: Oh my God. I love this movie. JOSHUA: Man, me too! They should totally do a crossover with me and Skynet. JOSHUA: ERROR 22: IDEA IS TOO AWESOME qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1247 T-Rex: When I was younger, I went to the dentist a lot. MAYBE I DIDN'T BRUSH MY TEETH THAT WELL, OKAY? OR THAT OFTEN, OR AT ALL. T-Rex: Oh well? T-Rex: But I remember sitting there when I was sixteen or so, with some stranger's fingers in my mouth as he scraped away at my teeth and thinking "MAN, this is a sucky time! I wish I had something to distract me. I bet if I'd had sex, then I could think about sex, and that would be distracting. Hey! I should have sex! It'll make visits to the dentist easier." Utahraptor: So then what happened? T-Rex: Later, I had sex! Later still, I went back to the dentist. T-Rex: But it didn't work. The situation was so unerotic, and I was terrified of becoming visibly aroused! Utahraptor: Did you tell the woman you had sex with that the REAL reason for it was so that you could be entertained at the dentist's? T-Rex: No! I mean, it wasn't the reason! That was just an added bonus! T-Rex: It made it even MORE special qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1248 T-Rex: In fascism, one person is in control of an entire country, and he tells everyone else what to do! He is the guy who is micromanaging his zergs or whatever. T-Rex: Maybe this is not so bad? Dromiceiomimus: It is so bad, T-Rex! Fascism is bad news!! T-Rex: I mean, YES it is, but what if the one guy KNEW what everyone should be doing? What if he was actually the best person to be in charge of the country? Dromiceiomimus: Some people would still want to be free! T-Rex: But WHAT IF he recognized that and let those people be free? Utahraptor: You're saying if there was a guy who could produce utopia, you'd want him in charge. T-Rex: Exactly! Yes! Utahraptor: Okay, but that's not fascism. Fascism is authoritarian and includes these ideas of unity and purity and stuff like that. It's a sort of xenophobic culty nationalism? T-Rex: Oh! I don't like THOSE parts. Well, I guess I don't want to be fascist after all! {{banner: SWEET PROTEST SIGNS L@@K, SO @WESOME!!! OMG YOU GUYS! >:OGC}} {{description of merchandise: Okay you are bidding on some protest signs that I'm selling because I was gonna be fascist, but not anymore!! There's a picture of me and beneath it they say "T-REX IS IN CHARGE NOW: I GUESS WE'LL ALL JUST HAVE TO DEAL" They have many uses such as pretending I am in charge and that you are all, "no WAY is that guy in charge, what will i do, oh wait my sign says i should just deal" STARTING BID: $100 YOUR BID: $ 0}} qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1249 T-Rex: What's that, Dromiceiomimus? T-Rex: You're asking, "How much of someone's personality is determined by their body?" T-Rex: Well, Dromiceiomimus, that IS an interesting question! A few years ago I would have said "none", but now I'm not so sure! In a way, our bodies do affect who we are: if you've got a strong body, you can be a different person than someone in a weaker body. Trivially, a weak-bodied person wouldn't make a good bully! Dromiceiomimus: I asked none of these questions T-Rex: And Utahraptor, you're suggesting that not all strong people are bullies? Utahraptor: I - okay?! T-Rex: Well, Utahraptor, I'll agree with you, and clarify that it's a necessary but not a sufficient condition. Bodies affect the life experiences possible, and therefore personality! And while you're questioning my premise of "nature over nurture" I'll clarify that I'm simply saying that someone in a weak body can't be a very effective bully! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Man, NOBODY calls me anymore qwantz.com/index.php?comic=125 Narrator: T-REX IN "THE RULES" T-Rex: Today I'm going to play by my own rules! T-Rex: And luckily for me, these rules clearly stipulate that I can stomp on whatever I want! T-Rex: Playing by my own rules is fun! T-Rex: Why, I think I'll play by my own rules from now on! Utahraptor: Stop it! Utahraptor: T-Rex, you can't "play by your own rules" every day! That's nothing more than a catchy way to describe nihilism! T-Rex: Nihilism? Utahraptor: Yes! Remember? "...values are baseless and nothing can be known or communicated"? T-Rex: Oh yeah! T-Rex: And I was all, "my apocalyptic tenor has not been dispelled"? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1250 T-Rex: If I ever turn into a werewolf, I would DEFINITELY donate my still-living body to science! The reason is simple: I Care About Science. T-Rex: Guys! The advances would be incredible! T-Rex: I'd have a body that would CHANGE SHAPE in response to the light of a full moon. That's insane! If we could harness the powers of my sweet-ass hairy body, the advances would be incredible! We could lose fat and build muscle instantly! We could restore broken limbs! WE COULD HELP BALD MEN NOT BE BALD ANYMORE, IF THAT IS WHAT THEY WANTED. Plastic surgeons would be out of a job! Utahraptor: Only for like one day a month! T-Rex: Part of the research would be extending the effects 24/7! T-Rex: It would be a utopia, Utahraptor! All we need is for one werewolf to be brave enough to let science experiment on him, and then we can ALL get a little of the sweet blood fever! Utahraptor: I thought that was vampires. T-Rex: They should do it too. Narrator: LATER: Mr. Tusks: Hullo, T-Rex! I dressed up as a werewolf wearing a stethoscope to try to cheer you up! T-Rex: Oh, Mr. Tusks! I should call the police. You're so cute it's illegal! Mr. Tusks: T-Rex I am also a vice mayor qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1251 T-Rex: Recently I have discovered something that disturbs me! My savings account is now less negligible than before, and yet - I kinda want some money? T-Rex: This is not the person I thought I was! T-Rex: When I was a kid I always thought that as long as I had enough money to live without fear of poverty, I'd be fine. But now - I'm treating money like Life Points"#8482;. I want the high score, and I want the scoreboard to say "TRX" at the top, right above "USA" and "ASS". Dromiceiomimus: I think this is just a matter of figuring out a different sort of Life Points"#8482;! Utahraptor: I agree! We've got to find something else for you before you've become a cruel amalgam of the uncles Scrooge and Pennybags! T-Rex: But what? Utahraptor: How about instead of counting money, you count the number of lives you've touched in a positive way? T-Rex: Oh God. Listen, I want something more like "Number of Enemies That Said 'I Wish I Wasn't T-Rex's Enemy Anymore', Frig". In fact, that's perfect. Utahraptor: You realize that now you're living for revenge? T-Rex: Oh! People say that's bad, right? Do you, um, remember any reasons why, off the top of your head? Utahraptor: Well - T-Rex: Look, are any sayings about how it's WORSE than living for money? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1252 T-Rex: Oh my God! It's him! I'm sure of it. It's totally him! Off-screen character: Who? T-Rex: It's the guy who picks up and spins Will Smith in the credits to "The Fresh Prince of Bell-Air"! T-Rex: There's no way it's anyone else. Oh my God, Dromiceiomimus, do I go up and say "Hi"? Dromiceiomimus: ...Sure? T-Rex: But he probably gets that all the time. I don't want to come across as a fan! I should strike up a conversation and then mention all casually that I like his work, but that I'm not a "fan" or anything. But that might be insulting! I'll - I'll just admire him from a distance. T-Rex: Screw it!! I'm gonna talk to him, right now! Utahraptor: Who? Who is it? T-Rex: Utahraptor! It's the guy who spins Will Smith at the start of every Fresh Prince! Utahraptor: No way! T-Rex: Yep!! And I'm going to walk over there and talk to him right now! Utahraptor: NO WAY. Narrator: SOON. T-Rex: Utahraptor! He says spinning Will Smith every week was his favourite part of the show! He said they wanted to reuse footage but he kept volunteering to do it "fresh"! T-Rex: He goes on to say that he regrets the pun, but it's the most appropriate word? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1253 T-Rex: When people sign a prenuptial agreement, they agree, BEFORE they get married, how to divide up the assets in the event of a divorce! Narrator: PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS: WHAT'S THE DEAL T-Rex: What gets me is the whole conflict in them: the position of "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you", with the caveat of "Oh, baby, but just in case". I understand on a PRACTICAL level about how prenups are - practical, but on the level of love, I don't see how you're allowd to hedge your bets when it comes to marriage! I thought marriage was the ultimate expression of love. Utahraptor: And you see prenups as being the ultimate expression of love*. T-Rex: That's it exactly! Love with an asterisk. Utahraptor: Well, honestly, T-Rex, I think that it's INCREDIBLY presumptuous of you to say that. T-Rex: I know. I know! That's what bothers me about it! Who am I to comment on someone else's marriage? And yet, I feel compelled to comment on tons of someone else's marriages! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Hey Mom! You know about the prenup you got when you and dad got married? Mom: Yes, honey? T-Rex: I, um - T-Rex: I got opinions qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1254 T-Rex: Maybe I have been too hard on prenups. In a sense, they're sort of a Love Validater, right? Narrator: PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS: WELL, MAYBE THIS IS THE DEAL T-Rex: Because if you have a prenup that says, "Wow, NOBODY'S getting rich off this marriage", then it's clear that nobody's getting married for the money. The only reason left is love! Dromiceiomimus: Or loneliness. T-Rex: Or love! The prenup is a way of announcing AND VERIFYING that you love them for Who They Are, not for what they've got in their pants! In their wallet in their pants. It was a great metaphor, Dromiceiomimus. Utahraptor: You know, Judaism has long had the "ketubah", which is basically a prenup! T-Rex: Really! Utahraptor: Yep! It specifies divorce penalties but ALSO marital vows, and is hung up in the house. Prenups can mean a lot of different things to people! T-Rex: Huh! Maybe the best way to learn about prenups is to get one. Oh my gosh, Utahraptor!! Let's get a "friendship prenup"! Utahraptor: Hah! What? Narrator: LATER, T-REX HAS COMPLETED HIS PRENUP! WHAT'S IT SAY, T-REX? T-Rex: It says "Utahraptor! Don't steal my comics, UTAHRAPTOR." Then there's a drawing of him stealing my comics, with an x through it! T-Rex: A LAWYER drew it for me. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1255 T-Rex: Hey God! Quick question: how long can I live without water? God: FIVE DAYS T-Rex: SERIOUSLY? T-Rex: That's a bunch of BALONEY! T-Rex: I'm never more than a week away from death! Worse than that: I'm never more than a friggin' WORK week away from death! Baloney! God: UH ACTUALLY IT CAN DROP TO TWO OR THREE DAYS DEPENDING ON HEAT AND EXERTION T-Rex: TWO DAYS?! That's terrible! That's entirely terrible. Listen, life is stupid and I'm going to stockpile water. Utahraptor: But 70% of the planet's surface is water T-Rex: Yeah but the remaining 30%? THIRSTY CHUMPS. Utahraptor: Look, calm down! You've made this far without thirsting to death. T-Rex: I didn't know I had a sliding two-day death window then! People can go WEEKS without food! Months! Two days without water is ridiculous. Utahraptor: Well, I mean, you won't last two hours without oxygen. T-Rex: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1256 T-Rex: Life is too friggin' fragile! And when I say "life", I mean life in general, but really, I mean my life in particular. T-Rex: Too. Friggin'. Fragile! T-Rex: I'm a big guy, so I eat a lot - WHICH IS FINE, except that it increases the chance that I starve to death! And if I'm smaller I eat less, but I also face jerks trying to eat me! And if I'm a single cell, nobody's going out of their way to eat me, but I can die if the host I'm in dies or the stream drives up or whatever. Dromiceiomimus: Plus you give up any powers of reasoning. T-Rex: Man, that too!! T-Rex: In summary, life is too fragile and I describe that as "sucks ahoy"! Utahraptor: Maybe you should give up your ego here, T-Rex! Utahraptor: While individuals may be fragile, species can survive a very long time! Why not see individual lives as single cells in the species: A multi-cellular multi-generational organism? T-Rex: Um, because that's a metaphor that doesn't stop me from being food poisoned to death?? Narrator: LATER, IN COURT! T-Rex: Your honour, if I steal, I get a few years in jail. If I murder, I get a LIFETIME in jail. But if I forget to eat for a few days or breathe for a few minutes, I DIE FOREVER? Judge: I'm sorry? T-Rex: The punishment does not seem to fit the crime here! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1257 Narrator: T-REX HAS WRITTEN A STORY ABOUT A DOG THAT GETS SUPER POWERS! T-Rex: It's awesome! It was about a dog who didn't have super powers, and then one day, he got some super powers. Narrator: BUT THERE IS A DOWNSIDE: T-Rex: Now everyone thinks MY dog has super powers! T-Rex: I don't know at what point we all decided that authors aren't allowed to just make things up anymore, but it's totally what's happened to me! Somehow our fictions have all become real, and "write what you know" is the only creative option. Dromiceiomimus: People actually think your dog has super powers? T-Rex: Well, they think he's so great he INSPIRED the super powers. He's actually just - really angry? T-Rex: But that's the thing! Even if I write about something implausible, folks assume there's a real-life inspiration! Utahraptor: Come on, T-Rex! Utahraptor: A lot of your previous stories WERE autobiographical. "My Tiring Day"? "A Story About Me (At The End I Sit Down and Write The Book You're Now Reading)"? If I were you, I'd write my next book such that if people DID assume it was about me, it would be flattering. T-Rex: Yes! Like "The Day I Was EXTRA Nice To The Homeless"! Narrator: LATER, T-REX PUBLISHES HIS NEW BOOK! IT'S CALLED "LOLITA 2: THE PREQUEL! NOW LOLITA'S EVEN YOUNGER" T-Rex: Aw craps. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1258 T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for fixing my life! I'll do it by putting out a new, less controversial book: "LOLITA III: This Time, She's 30". T-Rex: Nobody can argue with that!! T-Rex: In my story there's a new Lolita, and she's thirty, and she goes out with a man who's also thirty and from a similar economic and social background! They get married and have some okay times. Years later, all the characters die of old age! Dromiceiomimus: It seems a bit - conservative! T-Rex: I could make some changes! But did you notice how everyone was clearly of the age of majority though? Narrator: THE BOOK IS PUBLISHED: Utahraptor: T-Rex, your new book is basically terrible! T-Rex: *gasp* Utahraptor: I'm serious! The "new Lolita" has nothing to do with the old one, and nothing interesting happens except when "LoHEta" shows up, explains that he's the new manly male Lolita, and then leaves the narrative entirely. T-Rex: He shows up again in the epilogue! Utahraptor! You didn't even finish my book! T-Rex: At the end, Loheta addresses the reader directly and explains that if you replace "she" with "he" and "hers" with "definitely his" in the ORIGINAL Lolita, you can read all about his adventures! T-Rex: It's called "setting up a spinoff"; look it up? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1259 T-Rex: You know what I'm tired of feeling? God: EMOTIONS T-Rex: Pain! T-Rex: (Emotions too.) T-Rex: But seriously, guys! Why do we need pain? T-Rex: It hurts! T-Rex: And you can't turn it off. It's like a phone that won't stop ringing whenever I'm hurt, and when I answer it, it's always friggin' Pain calling and he won't get off the line. I say "Yeah, I get it Pain, I stubbed my toe." and he says "Yeah, it still hurts like a bitch. Can I say bitch? It really hurts, T-Rex", and I say "Look, Pain. I know." and he stays on the line and I say "Pain, you've gotta find other people to call. You've got to get other hobbies." T-Rex: I'd prefer looking down and seeing that my toe is stubbed to, um, EXCRUCIATING PAIN. Utahraptor: So you want leprosy. T-Rex: Uh NO, I didn't say I want my LIMBS to fall off. Utahraptor: Leprosy doesn't make your limbs fall off!! You lose SENSATION in your body, so you can do things like accidentally crush your fingers and not notice. Hey, how's the centuries-old prejudice over there? Pretty uninformed? Pretty BIASED? T-Rex: Utahraptor! You were totally a jerk to me just now! And if you're hoping I'm going to shout after you that "Now I wish my HEART couldn't feel pain", I'm not! T-Rex: I'm just thinking it, okay?? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=126 T-Rex: I'm really looking forward to the little soiree I've got lined up for tonight... T-Rex: Party at my house!! Narrator: LATER... T-Rex: Hey, are you still in for tonight? Dromiceiomimus: I'm sorry T-Rex, but something came up. But say "hi" to everyone for me! T-Rex: Oh, that's too bad. Well, some other time! Utahraptor: I'm totally pumped for the party tonight, T-Rex! T-Rex: Great! T-Rex: The only downside is that the Dromiceiomimus won't be able to come. Utahraptor: But she was the only woman you invited, wasn't shee? T-Rex: SHIT! She was! T-Rex: Why do all my parties always turn into one big Oktoberfest? Utahraptor: "Oktoberfest"? T-Rex: Beer and sausages! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1260 T-Rex (thinking): Hey, it's Utahraptor! Wait - IS that Utahraptor...? Oh my God! It's... IT'S.... [[second panel is blank]] T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you won't believe who I just met! Dromiceiomimus: Who? T-Rex: FUTURE UTAHRAPTOR! I'm serious, I saw him! He looked like Utahraptor, but he was aged thirty years, and it was the Most Amazing Thing. It couldn't have been anyone else! It was CLEARLY thirty years older Utahraptor. Utahraptor: So what happened then? T-Rex: Well, I was staring! T-Rex: And you noticed it, obviously, but then you turned to me, made eye contact, and nodded with an almost undetectable Mona Lisa smile, just once. It was this amazing nod that said, "Don't worry, T-Rex. Things will be alright. Everything's gonna work out fine." Utahraptor: Hah! Future me's awesome. Narrator: MEANWHILE, FORTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE! T-Rex: Dear audio diary! T-Rex: i miss my friend utahraptor qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1261 Narrator: EARLY ONE MORNING: Radio: Police report a rash of interior vandalism: members of the public are waking up to find their interior walls defaced! T-Rex: What's that, radio? T-Rex: Street artists have moved indoors? T-Rex: But I have an indoors!! Narrator: SECONDS LATER: T-Rex: Aw man! T-Rex: Actually... it's a pretty good likeness? Narrator: THAT AFTERNOON: Utahraptor: T-Rex!! Did you draw yourself in my kitchen giving a thumbs up? T-Rex: It wasn't me! T-Rex: In fact, someone drew Dromiceiomimus and a house and a car in MY kitchen! Utahraptor: Hey- If that's the case, maybe Dromiceiomimus got an illustration of me? T-Rex: Let's pay her a visit and find out! Narrator: DROMICEIOMIMUS'S HOUSE: T-Rex: I've got boner fever!! Utahraptor: What? What and outrageous illustration!! Utahraptor: That fever has long since PASSED qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1262 T-Rex: Performative utterances are things that you can say, and hey presto, you've changed your life and the world around you! You've changed your life with WORDS. Like the Shahadah, this is insane! This is totally insane. T-Rex: Let's do it!! T-Rex: There's simple ones like "I promise to clean your room" (your future is now altered), but there's bigger ones like "I now pronounce you husband and wife": you weren't married before, and now, oh my God you guys, you're totally married! And then there's "I hereby christen this ship 'HMS Sinkytowne'" and "I sentence you to death by misadventure". Dromiceiomimus: Saying "We declare war" is the same, isn't it? T-Rex: Sure is!! Utahraptor: Yeah, but you're only legally married when you sign the paperwork! T-Rex: Well - Utahraptor: And it's the same with christenings and sentences AND declarations of war: they all require paperwork! I'D argue that the performative utterance is just part of the ceremony, and that the real change is made when you sign on the dotted line. T-Rex: Well, I mean... that's just our society? God: T-REX YOU WOULD HAVE EASILY WON THIS ARGUMENT IF YOU'D MADE IT BEFORE THE INVENTION OF PAPER T-Rex: Ah well. I'm still glad we invented paper! God: ME TOO God: OTHERWISE WHAT WOULD THE HMS SINKYTOWNE BE MADE OUT OF qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1263 T-Rex: Utahraptor was so wrong about performative utterances yesterday! God: HOW WRONG WAS HE T-Rex: So! He was so wrong. T-Rex: And I only realized it after he left! T-Rex: A leader declares war on television, then that's war, regardless of whether he's signed the paperwork yet. He's changed the world just by talking! With sentencing it's the same: the judge tells you your sentence and that's it, and the paperwork is just that - paperwork! RECORDKEEPING. And the same for marriages! The license is just to let the GOVERNMENT know what's already happened. I was right! I was totally right!! Utahraptor: T-Rex, remember yesterday? You were totally right! Fully and completely. T-Rex: Aw no! Seriously? T-Rex: You're seriously going to rob me of my Comeuppance Satisfaction by admitting you were wrong before I get to point it out to you? You're going to be That Guy? Utahraptor: Which guy? T-Rex: The guy who does what you're doing! Argh! You ARE being that Guy! Utahraptor: Look, sorry for admitting I was wrong, I guess? T-Rex: That's another performative!! You're tacitly endorsing their existence! I'M SECONDS AWAY FROM MY HEAD FADING INTO A CARTOON STEAM WHISTLE AND GOING "TOOT TOOT." T-Rex: I'M ANGRY BUT I THINK IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1264 T-Rex: In the 15th and 16th centuries, spoken English changed dramatically, with vowels changing pronunciation and moving upwards in the mouth. Before it, we all sounded like ye olde-fashioned chumps. Afterwards, we all sounded hip and modern! T-Rex: It was a century of kids outcooling their parents! T-Rex: Before, "boots" was pronounced "boats", and "feet" like "fate". PRETTY OLD FASHIONED, dudes! But what's amazing is that the printing press was invented just before this started, and it was at this point that the spellings of words really got fixed. That's why English has so many oddly-spelt words! They show the pronunciation of words as they were, just before we underwent the Great Vowel Shift and decided to, you know, say everything differently. Utahraptor: And nobody knows why it happened! T-Rex: I know! It's so amazing! T-Rex: Linguists are like, "Maybe immigration from the Black Death caused regional accents to be absorbed?" and then another says, "Maybe the English wanted to distinguish their language from the hated French?" and then they both shrug at each other! Utahraptor: I don't think"#8212; T-Rex: I saw it!! Narrator: 15TH CENTURY ENGLAND T-Rex: Hey peasants! Tell all your friends to pronounce "boner" like "bone-air", okay? It'll make the future HILARIOUS. Peasants: No way! However, maybe we WILL tell them to diphthongize their highest long vowels. T-Rex: Guys! So not as cool!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1265 T-Rex: I have a new life goal: to become a hairdresser! T-Rex: Scratch that: to become the BEST HAIRDRESSER EVER! Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, um, you and I don't really have -- T-Rex: Before you go any further, let me clarify that I'll be a hairdresser for MAMMALS. These guys have ALL SORTS of hair coming out of ALL SORTS of places. I'll trim it and they'll say "Wow, this hair cut has made me a WAY better looking mammal! Thanks for trimming the hair off my head, sweat glands and mammaries!" Utahraptor: I don't understand why you keep lusting after these doomed careers, my friend! T-Rex:Explain! Utahraptor: You have no hair and want to be a hairdresser. You have stubby arms and want to be a boxer. Why not get a job that plays to your strengths? T-Rex: Utahraptor! I have nothing BUT strengths! Utahraptor: Okay, fine, enjoy your hair-dressing. You just stepped on one of your customers. T-Rex: Dear Diary! T-Rex: My new job is getting... a little hairy. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1266 T-Rex: The Temple of Artemis was one of the Seven Wonders of the World. It was this really big temple, you guys! But it was burned down. Arson! T-Rex: Arsonist's name was Herostratus! T-Rex: And the ancient Greeks would be TOTALLY PISSED that I just said that! They were so angry at Herostratus - who freely admitted that he burned down A WONDER OF THE WORLD just because he wanted his name to be remembered - that they not only executed him, but they erased him from history, forbidding anyone from mentioning his name! Under penalty of death! T-Rex: Pretty friggin' intense!! Utahraptor: But it didn't work! T-Rex: Nope! T-Rex: It turns out you can't make a law saying "dudes nobody say this guy's name anymore okay" without saying his name SOMEWHERE? But, I mean, I understand why they were upset. Kind of a dick move, Herostratus. I want to go down in history, but not for being the world's Suckiest Greek. Utahraptor: I hear that! Narrator: LATER, T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR GO DOWN IN HISTORY FOR BEING THE WORLD'S SUCKIEST GREEKS: Utahraptor: Damn it, T-Rex! All the irony surrounding YOUR friggin' life is now rubbing off on me! T-Rex: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1267 T-Rex: Okay, so Herostratus burned down the Temple of Artemis. But what happened to the other wonders of the World? My friends, I ask a bold question: indeed, the boldest. I ask the question shied away from by the greatest minds of our age: T-Rex: Isn't it true that they were ALL destroyed by Herostratus? Narrator: T-REX THE MAUSOLEUM AND HANGING GARDENS AND COLOSSUS AND LIGHTHOUSE WERE ALL DESTROYED BY EARTHQUAKES LEAVING THE STATUE OF ZEUS TO BURN DOWN AND THE GREAT PYRAMID OF GIZA TO UM CONTINUE TO HANG AROUND T-Rex: Earthquakes, huh? Huh. I guess Herostratus wasn't actually a time-travelling, mustachio-twirling, World Wonder destroying villain. Ah well! That's why pencils have erasers, right? Utahraptor: But T-Rex, what would you call earthquakes? T-Rex: Natural disasters? T-Rex: Insurance motivators? Uh, building complicaters? Domino frustraters? Wobbley Times U.S.A.? Um. . . Shakey Shakes Central? Utahraptor: Couldn't you also call them. . . "ACTS OF GOD"? T-Rex: Oh my God! God is like Herostratus times -- um, five! God: MAN I'M BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING BUT i NEVER GET THE CREDIT FOR HOW PEOPLE'S HEADS EXPLODE WHEN SEEING SOMETHING REALLY SURPRISING T-Rex: Maybe because that never happens! God: LISTEN God: YOU GUYS NEED TO FIGURE OUT SOME MORE SURPRISING STUFF BECAUSE IT'S GONNA BE GREAT qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1268 T-Rex: Computers have gotten way better in recent years. A new computer can beat a moldy old one from twenty years ago! T-Rex: FACT. T-Rex: Wouldn't it be great if rhetoric had evolved in the same way? I could have this hyper-evolved speaking that could convince anyone to do whatever I say, as long as they didn't have similar rhetorical powers to match! Anyone not inured to my amazing powers of speechifying would be putty in my hands. "Oh, T-Rex, I'm not sure I should do this" they'd say, and then I'd say "Oh maybe you should though" and they'd be all, "Awesome." Utahraptor: It would be a disaster for society! T-Rex: Rude, my friend! Utahraptor: I meant if there was such an advance. Early language learners would acquire languages the best, so it would be a generation of toddlers convincing their parents that letting them poop their pants is sweet. If you don't see what's bad for society in that, well - enjoy pooping your pants! T-Rex (thinking): The word 'poop' is cool: it's transitive, but only for 'pants'. You can pee your pants too though. Maybe it's the noun 'pants'? Further research certainly seems warranted. T-Rex: Maybe I will, Utahraptor! MAYBE I'LL ENJOY POOPING MY PANTS EACH AND EVERY DAY!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1269 T-Rex: I've noticed that some songs are quite good at evoking memories and moods. If I listen to a song I haven't listened to since high school, suddenly I am back in high school again! T-Rex: METAPHORICALLY. T-Rex: So hey, time for an experiment where I am the subject! From now on I'm going to listen to a new song repeatedly over each 3-month period. It'll become indelibly associated with who I am then, and this way when I want to remember what I felt like from July to September inclusive fifteen years ago, I can just listen to the same song again. It'll all come flooding back! Utahraptor: That's - well, that's not a bad idea! T-Rex: I know, right? T-Rex: If it works, I can go further, also consigning smells and foods to certain periods in my life! I'll be an old man, looking up "first marriage" in my database, and then reaching for a record player and my first bite of Wensleydale in years. Utahraptor: I'm getting in on this action too! Narrator: BUT THEN, DISASTER! T-Rex: Aw frig! Someone has mashed up Jay-Z's "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" and the 1-1 theme from Mario 3! Suddenly my current crush and the death of my first dog have become irrevocably mixed!! T-Rex: I feel very oddly about dead dogs right now qwantz.com/index.php?comic=127 T-Rex: I am tired of things not getting done my way. T-Rex: Therefore, I am going into politics! T-Rex: As a politician, I will have power and influence! Things will get done, and they will get done my way! Finally, I will be the person making all the important decisions! Utahraptor: T-Rex, we live in a democracy of dinosaurs! You'll have to get elected if you wish to have power! T-Rex: I see! T-Rex: Will you vote for me? Utahraptor: Well, um, what's your platform? What issues are you concerned about? Utahraptor: My mom works at the library, and there have been cutbacks lately, so that's a concern for us. T-Rex: Your mom's a librarian?! T-Rex: That's AWESOME! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1270 T-Rex: You know what I don't like? God: WHAT DON'T YOU LIKE T-Rex: Star Trek! T-Rex: Only one part of it though!! T-Rex: I don't like when they encounter something amazing in Engineering or wherever and call up to the bridge and say "Captain, you'd better get down here." Explain what it is! THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE DO. I don't call up my friends and say, "Utahraptor, you'd better get down here." and he ways "Why?" and I say "Oh Utahraptor, if only we had descriptive language; if only I could describe something using my words. But you know as well as I that I can only point and say, lookit." Utahraptor: So don't watch those parts of Star Trek! T-Rex: I try, but it's everwhere! Even not on Star Trek! T-Rex: The news always says, "Up next: what's in your bathroom that may be trying to kill you!" and then go to commercials. This is psychopathic. I'm the Captain and they don't even want me in Engineering! They want me on the couch for the next three minutes of ads. Utahraptor: That IS one way of looking at it! Narrator: LATER: TV: Tonight at 11: what you're eating that could be taking TWENTY YEARS off your life!! T-Rex: I'M THE CAPTAIN qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1271 T-Rex: In conversations, speakers generally try to make helpful contributions, and listeners generally assume that this is the case! This is called the "cooperative principle", and philosopher Paul Grice proposed it! He's dead now. T-Rex: It's useful because it allows inferred meanings! T-Rex: We can be at a party and someone can say "Where's Utahraptor?" and I can say "He's sick" and they understand that he's not here BECAUSE he's sick. Inferred meaning! If they don't assume I'm cooperating then I'm just offering non-relevant information, on the same level as if I answered "Utahraptor's got shufflepants." and then clarified "They're pants that shuffle when he walks." Utahraptor: But maybe I'm not at the party BECAUSE of my shufflepants! T-Rex: See? T-Rex: The cooperative principle is so ingrained that even when I say non sequiturs, you're looking for a way to read it under the assumption I'm cooperating. Utahraptor: So I should assume that you're a disingenuous and unhelpful jerk. T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: In this example, I mean. In real life I am a charmer, of course!! Hah! I am loveable and trustworthy and good at conversations! T-Rex: ... T-Rex: I've had FIVE girlfriends, Utahraptor. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1272 T-Rex: So Paul Grice went on to clarify his cooperative principle, identifying four maxims describing how people generally communicate. He called these "GRICEAN Maxims". T-Rex: Nice one, Paul Grice! T-Rex: He's dead now. These maxims are pretty useful though! There's the Maxim of Quality (don't lie), the maxim of quantity (only say enough to make your point, no more or less), the Maxim of Relation (be relevant) and the Maxim of Manner (be clear, brief, and unambiguous). These are four different different ways we cooperate with each other when communicating! Utahraptor: And if I were to say "I kissed him with my lips on the lips", that would be breaking Quantity! T-Rex: Yes! T-Rex: And arguably Manner. But by breaking them, I look for a HIDDEN meaning indicated by the flouting of the maxim! "What is so important about your and his lips?" I might ask myself. Utahraptor: They're like little pillows. T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex: ... What? Narrator: YEARS LATER, UTAHRAPTOR ONCE AGAIN REFERS TO HIS LIPS AS "LITTLE PILLOWS": T-Rex: Hah! T-Rex: ...Still? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1273 T-Rex: Okay, time to invent a new superhero! Then I'll make a movie about him, and THEN, I'll be famous! Then I'll also have a lot of disposable income? Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Inventing superheroes: too friggin' hard! T-Rex: Every good superhero power is taken. He's invulnerable - oh, there's Superman. Okay, he CAN be hurt, but he recovers: oh, hey Wolverine! Okay, he CAN be hurt, and then, he dies. Oh, Batman's at this party too? Hey Batman. Dromiceiomimus: Maybe you should focus more on themes instead of powers, T-Rex! T-Rex: I tried that, but every theme is taken too! Utahraptor: Impossible! T-Rex: Speed theme: check. Spider theme: check! Iron Man theme: TOTALLY CHECKED. There's nothing left! Utahraptor: I think theme is more "what your story says" than "what your character is able to do". See the difference? T-Rex: I do but listen I really think powers are more interesting. Narrator: SOON, INSPIRATION STRIKES! T-Rex: He's a Transformer, but he's also biologically human! So he has to deal with THEMES associated with either being a man, or being a soft, warm, fleshy and hairy semi truck filled with blood intestines and lungs. T-Rex: TRILOGY PLZ qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1274 Narrator: THE COSO ARTEFACT T-Rex: ...is totally amazing, you guys! Totally amazing. T-Rex: It's a SPARK PLUG that was discovered encased in solid rock! T-Rex: So awesome. A spark plug found inside a geode, surrounded by material that would have taken 500,000 years to collect! Is this truly CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE that we will one day visit the distant past, and drop spark plugs in sediment while we're at it? I would argue "Definitely, dudes!" I would argue that there can be no other explanation and I would argue that it's gonna be great. Utahraptor: The "Coso Artefact" wasn't found in a geode, T-Rex! T-Rex: It wasn't? Utahraptor: It was found in a concretion, and I'm sorry to tell you that those can develop in only a few years! There are marshes in England with WWII-era bombs encased in concretions as well. It's cool, but it's not proof of time travellers! T-Rex: Man. Logical explanations keep letting me down!! God: T-REX HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT UTAHRAPTOR ISN'T THE TIME TRAVELLER WHO LOST THE SPARK PLUG IN THE DISTANT PAST IN THE FIRST PLACE God: MAYBE HE'LL SAY ANYTHING TO COVER IT UP T-Rex: *gasp* T-Rex: Conspiracies! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1275 T-Rex: If I were impatient, I'd be a jerkier person. I'd always be hurrying people up, and people would not want to hang around me in grocery store lines. T-Rex: Furthermore, if I didn't have my sense of humour, chicks would like me less! T-Rex: Clearly, my personality is Important! It's why my friends like me. But strokes can change people's personality, and anyone can have one at BASICALLY any time! It's totally ridiculous. My body already has like five ways it can betray me for no reason that I can name off the top of my head, and those ways are called Alzheimer's, Old Age, Respiratory Failure, Heart Attacks, Terminal Boner Fever, and Dementia. IT DOES NOT NEED ANOTHER. Utahraptor: "Oooh, look at me, I'm T-Rex and I've found another way to be terrified of the future!" T-Rex: I'm not! T-Rex: I'm terrified of DYING. Totally different. Utahraptor: Most everyone else gets through life without being terrified of death, T-Rex, and some even look death in the face every day! You should talk to stunt drivers, or like, bear aggravators. You could learn from them! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Excuse me, stunt driver? Are YOU afraid of death? Stunt driver: The only thing I'm afraid of is NOT parachuting out of a hot air balloon, landing on a motorcycle, and jumping over 16 buses end-to-end!! EXTREME!! T-Rex: So... yes? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1276 T-Rex: Two months ago I noticed I had a small case of the chubbs! So I decided to lose some weight, and THEN, I lost the weight. I just ate fewer foods? T-Rex: Guys, this is terrible! T-Rex: Nobody who's trying to lose weight wants to hear from the guy who shed pounds like they were a Hallowe'en costume... in July, or something. That is to say, "quickly"? T-Rex: The point is that dieting is about commiserating, and I'm the guy who shows up to the party saying "guys, it's not hard" and that my secret to weight-loss success is "um, eating less." Utahraptor: Maybe you can present it in a more positive way? T-Rex: How? Utahraptor: Well, instead of saying "I just ate less", why not say "while portion control remains the most important part of weight loss, healthier choices and an active lifestyle all contribute towards positive changes in our lives"? T-Rex: Utahraptor, I'm your friend and even I hate you a little just from that sentence. Narrator: LATER: Off Panel Voice: Hey, T-Rex, looking good! Have you lost weight? T-Rex: Yeah! It took a whole lot of diet plans, and... and breakfast shakes? Off Panel Voice: NICE. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1277 Narrator: GREGOR MACGREGOR COMICS T-Rex: That name is totally made up. It was made up by a Scottish Enthusiast. T-Rex: I'm just sayin'. T-Rex: Anyway, Gregor MacGregor was this explorer guy in the 1800s! T-Rex: In 1820 he sailed from the Mosquito Coast of Central America to England, with the news that one of the native kings there had given him 30,000 km2 of land! The land was incredibly fertile, the natives helpful, and he'd already established an army, banks, civil service AND democracy there. You couldn't walk without tripping on the gold nuggets that littered the ground, and MacGregor was selling land grants at a very reasonable rate!! Utahraptor: You're describing the FICTIONAL nation of Poyais, T-Rex! That was a huge scam! T-Rex: It - what? Utahraptor: When the colony boats arrived, instead of opera houses they found untamed jungle, tropical disease and venomous snakes. One settler even committed suicide after trading his life savings for passage. By the time a rescue boat was sent and returned to London, 180 of the 240 emigrants had DIED. God: SEE T-REX THIS IS WHY I KEEP SAYING YOU SHOULD FINISH YOUR BOOKS BEFORE TELLING YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THEM T-Rex: It wasn't a book!! T-Rex: It was a WIKIPEDIA PAGE that got BORING half-way through. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1278 Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH T-REX HAS DEVELOPED SUPER HEALING POWERS, WHICH ALLOW HIM TO RECOVER FROM ANY INJURY ALMOST INSTANTLY T-Rex: I wonder if today is a lovely day to go on a walk! T-Rex: Hey! It IS a lovely day to go on a walk! Narrator: ANYWAY T-REX NEVER INJURED HIMSELF THAT DAY AND THE POWERS WORE OFF SOON AFTER Narrator: THE END Narrator: T-REX'S GREATEST FEAR COMICS T-Rex: My greatest fear is having superpowers and not realizing it! Utahraptor: Really? T-Rex: Oh my God, I'm TERRIFIED of missing out. I might have elevated strength, but I never try to lift a skyscraper over my head, you know? How would I discover which muscles to flex to make lasers shoot out of my hands? Utahraptor: Hah! T-Rex: Yep! I'm serious! It is The Worst Life. T-Rex: I don't know I have powers, and over and over again I stand by as everyone close to me gets injured OR WORSE in accidents I could have easily prevented, if only I knew! T-Rex: Utahraptor! When I die I get an award for "Most Opportunities Missed" and nobody claps!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1279 T-Rex: ...ummary and in conclusion, that's how "in medias res" works! THE END. Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUES COMICS Narrator: today's technique: IN MEDIAS RES T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus. Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex. T-Rex: Utahraptor. Utahraptor: T-Rex! That's not "in medias res"!! Utahraptor: In medias res is when you join a story mid-way through, not just before the end! It's Lation for "in the Middle of things"? What you're doing is a different literary technique, known only as "Bad Storytelling". T-Rex: Oh yeah? Well I've got a literary technique for YOU, my friend! It's called TELLING OFF UTAHRAPTOR!! Narrator: MEANWHILE IN TUDOR ENGLAND T-Rex: Shakespeare, add a dinosaur character to Hamlet called "Utahraptor" and have Hamlet tell him off, okay? Shakespeare: dinosaurs haven't been discovered yet T-Rex: What's that? Shakespeare: DINOSAURS HAVEN'T BEEN DISCOVERED YET T-Rex: Shakespeare! Take the credit!! qwantz.com/index.php?comic=128 Narrator: T-REX IN "THE SEARCH FOR GOD" T-Rex: Today is a good day I think to find God! T-Rex: Are you in this house, God? I am looking for you! Come out come out whereever you are! Ready or not, here I come! Utahraptor: When people say they are looking for God, they do not mean it literally! T-Rex: How do you mean? Utahraptor: What that means is that they are on a spiritual search, trying to find God-the-idea, not God-the-person-hiding-behind-the-couch. T-Rex: Oh, I see what you're saying. I guess that makes sense. Narrator: BACK AT HOME... T-Rex: I can't believe you were hiding behind the couch the entire time! God: I WAS GOING TO SURPRISE YOU qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1280 Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO END A RELATIONSHIP Narrator: a comic for dudes and ladies who need to end relationships Narrator: but who are TOTALLY STUMPED Narrator: METHOD 1: SAYING "IT'S OVER" T-Rex: It's OVER! Narrator: YEAH, LIKE THAT! Narrator: METHOD 2: SAYING "I'VE MET SOMEONE NEW" T-Rex: I've met someone new! Dromiceiomimus: Are they awesome? Maybe we could be friends! T-Rex: I hadn't expected the conversation to go this way, but... maybe? Narrator: METHOD 3: FAKING FOREIGN ACCENTS T-Rex: Vass ess das! Utahraptor: That's supposed to be - German? Narrator: HOW ABOUT SMS? YOU COULD ALWAYS BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE OVER SMS. T-Rex: Ridiculous. What are you going to say? "WE NEED TO BREAK UP ;)"? Utahraptor: "WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES! ;)" T-Rex: "SORRY IT DIDN'T WORK OUT :O" Utahraptor: "R U COOL?? THIS CONVERSATION IS REALLY EXPENSIVE" Narrator: OKAY FINE T-REX, HOW ABOUT MATURELY DEALING WITH YOUR INTERPERSONAL PROBLEMS? THAT IS HILARIOUS RIGHT T-Rex: That is kinda hilarious if it's like this big weiner guy doing that! Narrator: SUPER qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1281 Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO MEET NEW PEOPLE TO DATE Narrator: a comic for dudes and ladies who are newly single and who are like, man, SCREW THIS Narrator: METHOD 1: TAKE UP SPORTS! T-Rex: You can meet people at sports! Narrator: I GUESS Narrator: METHOD 2: ASK YOUR FRIENDS IF THEY HAVE ANY SEXY FRIENDS THEY COULD INTRODUCE YOU TO! T-Rex: Beyond me, that is! Narrator: YES. YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY SAY "DO YOU HAVE ANY SEXY FRIENDS, BEYOND ME, THAT IS" AND THEN DATE WHOEVER THEY COME UP WITH Narrator: METHOD 3: DATE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S SIBLINGS! Utahraptor: Don't date my siblings, T-Rex! T-Rex: FINE Narrator: METHOD 4: GOING UP TO STRANGERS AND SAYING "EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU ARE INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE!" T-Rex: That's kinda sketch. It can go either way but I think it veers wildly towards Sketchtowne. Narrator: WHAT IF YOU THRUST YOUR HIPS AFTERWARDS Utahraptor: That - doesn't help? Narrator: METHOD 5: RANDOM SELECTION FROM THE PHONE BOOK! T-Rex: Excuse me, are you "Jennifer Klug"? Jennifer Klug: Yes? Are you on speakerphone? T-Rex: Jennifer - Yes. Do you want a boyfriend who's only a little desperate? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1282 T-Rex: As a gentleman who is not afraid to say what we're all thinking, I'm going to say what we're all thinking. T-Rex: Guys! We totally need a new analogy for sex! T-Rex: The one we have now is BROKEN. Sex as hunger? Okay, it works with "sexual appetite" and it works in that you want sex, and then you have sex, and then you're like, man, that's all the sex *I* can handle, and then in a little while you start to get the munchies for sex again. But that's it! Utahraptor: Sounds like a good analogy to me! T-Rex: But it's totally not! T-Rex: I can die if I don't get any food, but if I don't get any sex, then I just - keep on keepin' on? Also if I'm hungry, I can't lock myself in a room and satisfy my hunger with my own food that's BASICALLY almost as good as the genuine item. Utahraptor: Food that you produce yourself? Utahraptor: Food that the Catholic church really doesn't want you eat? T-Rex: Hah hah, ewwwww! Gross!! T-Rex: Seriously though, there are problems with the analogy. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1283 T-Rex: I have begun to receive insulting spam messages: really vitriolic ones! T-Rex: Ant there's not even a product to buy! T-Rex: It's like - it's this one spammer who got SO PISSED that nobody was enlarging their penis anymore that he just went off the deep end. And now he's insulting thousands of people per second in the most hateful vile and terrible screeds I've ever read. So awful! Utahraptor: But how do you know it's spam? T-Rex: Huh? Utahraptor: Well, has anyone else gotten messages like this? Maybe the guy really just dislikes you! T-Rex: I - I assumed it was spam because of all the spelling mistakes and because the guy's name was "Boorishly P. Foundry"! But - hmm... Narrator: TEN POINT EIGHT YEARS AGO: T-Rex: Hey Boorishly! Your name sounds made up!: Boorishly: Huh! That didn't get me so mad initially, but I think it's making me madder at the rate of 1/1000th of a rage unit per day! T-Rex: Hey Boorishly! WHATEVER qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1284 T-Rex: Guess who had a bike accident yesterday morning! If you guessed "Shit! T-Rex?" you are correct!! T-Rex: Also, you shouldn't swear! T-Rex: But it was me. I was biking and a dog darted in front of me and I guess it turns out I'm not a guy who will run over a dog! I'll run over a squirrel no problem but I swerve and slam on my brakes and go over the handlebars of my bike to avoid hitting a dog. Dromiceiomimus: T-REx, I've always wondered: how do you ride a bike with your tine ar- T-Rex: I get them custom made, DROMICEIOMIMUS. Utahraptor: So you swerved to avoid a dog and were thrown from your bike, going over the handlebars. T-Rex: Yep! Utahraptor: So where are the cuts? You should have at least a little road rash. T-Rex: They're all, um, on my opposite side with now. The side you can't see. Utahraptor: So turn around! T-Rex: Hello! I am late for an appointment! Also, I don't have to listen to you!! Narrator: SUDDEN DEPRESSING ENDING COMICS! T-Rex: There are no scratches! Alright? T-Rex: I - I just... T-Rex: I wanted to be the guy that swerved qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1285 T-Rex: Tired of every day being the same as the last? T-Rex: Maybe? T-Rex: Maybe just a little? T-Rex: Then MAYBE you should try my great idea of assigning an emotion to every day of the calendar!! T-Rex: For example, January 1st could be "excited". And then January 2nd could be "elated". And then January 3rd could be "disgust". Dromiceiomimus: So we all have to be excited on January 1st? T-Rex: No, but it's like - we're aware of it! So it COLOURS the day, and gives us something to look forward to. Every day becomes a holiday! "March 3rd is contentment day!", we'll say. "I hope it comes soon." Utahraptor: I find it hard to believe you've come up with 365 (to 366) different emotions! T-Rex: I basically have! T-Rex: I could only come up with about 20 emotions, but I doubled that by adding "very". Then I doubled them again by adding "not very" and "inappropriately". There's - there's more adverbs. Utahraptor: I'm not sure if it'll - T-Rex: I'm doing it and it's gonna be great!! Narrator: BUT IT IS BAD NEWS FOR FIRST DATES: T-Rex: Today's Awkward Day, eh? God knows I've already got enough of that! T-Rex: Hah hah hah T-Rex: *sigh* qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1286 T-Rex: Hey, who wants to party? I woke up and I said "I want to party!" and then I gasped because it was BONA FIDE FACTS. T-Rex: Is this TRULY the day when everyone else wants to party as well? T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus - wanna party?? Dromiceiomimus: I can't, T-Rex! I've got a dentist appointment. T-Rex: We can party afterwards! Dromiceiomimus: Depends on how it goes at the dentist, I think. I don't want to party with new fillings. T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. He'll want to party! That guy parties like it's 1999, a rock star, AND like Marty. Utahraptor: I can't, man! Utahraptor: My brother and his kid are coming over. A quiet night in, you know? T-Rex: Man! I even checked with God and he was all "I'M BUSY WITH GOD STUFF BLAH BLAH BLAH HEY I'M TOO IMPORTANT TO COME PARTY WITH MY AWESOME DINOSAUR FRIEND". Who am I going to party with, the Devil? Devil: MMM T-REX I HAVE NEVER RECEIVED SUCH AN INVITATION FROM YOU AND I WILL BE PLEASED TO ATTEND Devil: IS THIS A PARTY OF THE LAN OR RPG VARIETY T-Rex: It's - um, I'm not - Devil: I CAUTION YOU Devil: IT CAN BE BOTH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1287 T-Rex: Screw all those guys; I can have a fun time without partying! I can have a fun time doing anything. And I'll prove it! T-Rex: I'll have a fun time learning about ACCOUNTING BEST PRACTICES! Narrator: LATER: T-Rex: Well Dromiceiomimus, I guess this really just goes to show you: when you spend a few hours reading up on a financial bookkeeping... there's no ACCOUNTING for what you'll learn! Dromiceiomimus: oh god Utahraptor: T-Rex! You just spent hours learning about accounting for a pun! T-Rex: I - I guess! Utahraptor: You're actually - you're bettering yourself for the sake of a pun. It's impressive. It's annoying AND impressive. It's like you spent years getting a medical degree just so you could mess with Photoshop and claim a picture has been "doctored". T-Rex: Hah hah! Awesome! Narrator: LATER: MEDICAL SCHOOL! T-Rex: What's that? Medical school is actually very hard to get into and you're not going to let me in? I guess I've been... SCHOOLED? Someone Out of View: Not unless you get in, no. T-Rex: ... Ah. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1288 T-Rex: I wonder what someone studying my life for a FUTURE BIOGRAPHY would think about me. What does it mean that I spend so much time doing the things I do? T-Rex: And what if they got the analysis wrong? T-Rex: What if they saw my interest in smooching as indicative of feelings of sexual inadequacy? What if they see my stepping on houses as symbolic of the way I let my rugged manly heart step on all but the most amusing of emotions it experiences? Dromiceiomimus: Huh? T-Rex: I'm just concerned that after I'm dead, folks will write books about me filled with sass! Utahraptor: I think I've figured you out, my friend! T-Rex: Explain! Utahraptor: You WANT your actions analyzed. You want it because if a third party analyzes them, not only does that suggest they're interesting, but it also gives them intrinsic meaning: there must be something there worthy of analysis! You never have to worry about living a meaningful life if there's someone else to find meaning for you. T-Rex: Utahraptor! You realize that you just analyzed my actions today and found meaning in them? Utahraptor: Aw man! It wasn't on purpose!! T-Rex: I'm going to go write "boners ahoy" on a bathroom wall and then you can tell me why, okay? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1289 Narrator: T-REX HAS WRITTEN A NEW STORY! T-Rex: Yes! It's about a guy named "Clarke Kente"! His name is CLOSE to Superman's secret identity, but legally and creatively distinct. T-Rex: And then in my story Clarke's looking for a girlfriend! T-Rex: And then he meets a woman named "Louise Laan" and then they're dating and there's some smooching and romance and it all ends in marriage. The end! Dromiceiomimus: What? That's it? That's the story? T-Rex: It's a good story! It's heartwarming and the theme is that, SOMETIMES, people can fall in love. Aww! Everyone loves to be reminded of that! Utahraptor: So do Superman comics exist in this story? T-Rex: Nope! Nobody knows about Superman. Utahraptor: Ah, so you use the characters to finally give Clark Kent the quiet and stable relationship with Lois he could never have as Superman. T-Rex: No, that would be good, but that's not my story. My story is a simple love tale about simple people, with names that are legally and creatively distinct. Narrator: LATER: PHONE CALLS! T-Rex: DC Comics, quit hasslin' me! Clarke and Louise and Bruce Swaine are my own characters! Offscreen: Um, I'm just a telemarketer who wants to sell you some long distance? T-Rex: Listen, if we both pretend we can both get what we want out of this conversation, okay? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=129 Narrator: COMICS FROM THE FUTURE T-Rex: Who can forget the events of July 30, 2215? Dromiceiomimus: Their significance cannot be overstated. Narrator: THE END Narrator: COMICS FROM THE FUTURE Narrator: a reprise Utahraptor: Who can forget the events of July 30, 2215? T-Rex: Their significance cannot be overstated. Narrator: THE END qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1290 T-Rex: As of today, I am officially living in the future! T-Rex: That's because as of TODAY, I am the proud owner of a robot! T-Rex: His name is Breadmatic 5000 and he's great. His specialty? Baking friggin' bread! Dromiceiomimus: That's not a robot, T-Rex! That's a standard bread machine. T-Rex: He's a robot! He's a robot and he sits on the kitchen counter and when I press the "Breadmatic, I would like some bread tonight" button and then put the ingredients inside him, he turns them into bread. You know how he does it? Through ROBOTICS. Utahraptor: He's not even anthropomorphic! T-Rex: Robots don't have to be!! T-Rex: Breadmatic is a box because that is ROBOTICALLY DETERMINED to be the optimal shape for bread production, okay? Utahraptor: You bought him at the grocery store. T-Rex: You live in a bland world of consumer electronics, Utahraptor. I live in a world of robot pals who bake me food! Narrator: THAT EVENING: T-Rex: Breadmatic, I'm worried! The fact that you're a robot is already coming between me and my non-robot friends! Breadmatic 5000: YOUR BREAD IS NOW: READY T-Rex: Sometimes, Breadmatic, in my most private moments... T-Rex: ...sometimes I worry that I won't be enough. qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1291 Narrator: The Woman Who Woke Up As A Man Narrator: by T-Rex Narrator: Once upon a time there was a woman who woke up as a man! That's her. Pretty tough, right/ Frig! Narrator: Anyway she woke up as a totally tough dude, stepping on houses like they were toy Monopoly houses, like in the picture? Everyone liked her. But her female form was missing and eventually people thought that she was murdered! Nobody believed her that she was a dude now and they thought maybe HE (the girl) murdered her (herself). She went to jail and EVENTUALLY, she died in jail, from a terminal case of too much being...in jail. Narrator: THE END. Utahraptor: T-Rex, I read your comic! The one you slipped under my door with the note "FEED BACK PLZ ;)"? T-Rex: And? Utahraptor: Well, okay, you don't explain how or why the woman switched sexes, and I don't get why you wrote a story where a guy who looks like you is a woman, only to basically ignore the premise. And um, the ending was among the most un-satisfying I'd ever read. T-Rex: I see! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST! T-Rex: T-Rex, it's me, T-Rex from the future! Don't let Utahraptor read your comic because he's going to be a dick about it, okay? T-Rex off-panel: I still say "dick" in the future? T-Rex: I'm from like 2 hours in the future, so YEAH qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1292 Utahraptor's comic: "Tina's Curse" by Utahraptor Utahraptor's comic: Tina Rex was a woman with a curse. Tina Rex was a woman with a very peculiar curse. Utahraptor's comic: Ever since she was six, Tina Rex knew that she was one day to wake up as a man! Utahraptor's comic: She had been given this curse by her stepmother, who hated her, and presumably men as well. The curse didn't scare Tina. Failing to meet monthly progress reports scared her, missing a checkpoint on her Five-Year Plan scared her, but being a man was like being a woman, she figured, only with more prostate exams. She smiled at her joke. Tina Rex woke up as a man on her 31st birthday. Utahraptor: So! Did you read my rewrite of your comic? T-Rex: IT WAS SO TERRIBLE T-Rex: Okay, listen, you're not allowed to rewrite my stories anymore. Prostate exam jokes? Seriously? I stopped reading it three panels in. Utahraptor: What? It got better! It got great! T-Rex: It sure did, once I rewrote it extensively!! T-Rex's comic: TINA, THE DUDE WHO PUNCHED THE FUTURE T-Rex's comic: Tina is a woman who can Punch The Future. This means that she'd punch somewhere, and then three weeks later you'd walk over there and go "Ow who punched me." One time she punched a monocle guy who said "Ow, my crotch!" and then he turned around and he said "Ow, my bum!" THE END? qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1293 T-Rex: Today is the day I spend entirely in bed! Is this laziness? No! T-Rex: I just want to see if I can do it! Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING: Dromiceiomimus: Where were you yesterday, T-rex? T-rex: I spent the whole day in bed, Dromiceiomimus! I wanted to see if I could do it. Dromiceiomimus: Really? You didn't shower or anything? T-Rex: Nope! And to answer your next question: I HELD IT IN. I held it in, AND THEN, I fell asleep. Utahraptor: I was trying to call you all yesterday! T-Rex: Hey, I figured it was you! T-Rex: But I don't have a phone by the bed, so, you know - sorry? As I'm sure you overheard, I couldn't get out of bed because of SELF-EXPERIMENTATION. Utahraptor: Well, you missed out on this store giving away free ice cream because their freezer broke! Another store was giving away free chocolates for reasons less evident. Narrator: T-REX FEELS REGRET. HE BEGINS A NEW EXPERIMENT: TO BE THE GUY WHO ALWAYS GETS FREE ICE CREAM WHENEVER THERE'S FREE ICE CREAM TO BE HAD. T-Rex: The experiment continues! Offscreen: Pardon me? T-Rex: Nothing, MOM qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1294 Narrator: COMICS FOR ROOMMATES (print and save!) T-Rex: This is a great comic for if you need to talk to a sucky roommate, but then you're like, "Man! I don't want to talk to a sucky roommate!" T-Rex: Attention, sucky roommate!! T-Rex: You may be surprised to see this comic lying around. I regret to inform you that it was placed here for a reason! Yes, I'm sorry, sucky roommate, but you are being kind of a sucky roommate. Dromiceiomimus: Maybe that can change though? T-Rex: Yes! Maybe if you stopped leaving your used-