things that don't exist

by Jason Eppink, Matt Hannon, & Alex Taite
from Utterly Exhaustive Lists: An Incomplete Collection

sing along!
watch the video!
read the comic!

Perfect circles three-sided squares and two nested pairs with just one number. Isaac Newton's fourth law of motion, rivers and oceans on the moon. Easter Sunday in the fall and Pope John Paul the Sixth or Seventh. Also the last digit of pi or large dragonflies that eat baboons.

Or what about elves and unicorns or cranberries grown with pairs of horns or chocolate cheesecakes laced with thorns, these things do not exist.

Rasta dude:
And donít forget objectivity or non-oppressive authority or equal opportunity, these things do not exist.

Iím quite impressed at our little list, though I think we missed a thing or two, so not to sound too over-rehearsed, but weíll sing more verses after this.

So what about life without suffering or a moment when nobodyís dying or a flower immune from withering, oh these things do not exist.

Jean Val Jean:
Saddam Husseinís weapons of mass destruction, American nuclear arms reduction, women safe from my powers of seduction, these do not exist.

Or restaurants in California where you legally can smoke or pitless peaches, orange celery, or heartless artichokes or Chia pets that look like Howard Taft or Howard Stern, the Antarctic Badminton League or gasoline that does not burn.

Or lengthy treatises on existential thought by dinosaurs, or belly button flavored Jello, Japanese conquistadors, September 33rd or 58th or 91st, or flying submarines or talking plants or meatless liverwurst.

Bob Sock:
Or ocean-front property in Zimbabwe, Orthodox Jews that speak Godís name, Yahweh, truffles or mushrooms with vertebrae, these things do not exist.

Or cellular phones from nineteen-ten or monsters in closets or bogeymen or cigarettes without carcinogens, these things do not ex . . .

Eggs as large as mars, cherry-flavored cars, 90-string guitars, immortal armadillos, paint chip pillows, billion kilo cigarillos, real Fox News sans point of views or fake tattoos held on with screws or duct tape zoos or argon shoes or cheap canoes made from kazoos or free shampoos from kangaroos. Twelve-handed clocks, magic bean stalks, woodless woodblocks, NASA space walks on earth or sock puppets made without any actual socks.

One-line sonnets, eight-legged snakes and beer-flavored lakes in Minnesota, cat scan goggles, monks singing chants in tight leather pants

and finally not least of all an utterly exhaustive list of

things that donít exist!