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  • Comic 4287 from January 24th, 2025:
    T-Rex: It's been a decade and change! And that means it's FINALLY time for more

    Narrator: SECRETS OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION

    T-Rex: So everyone knows that as you age, you reach a point where your body stops getting better and starts getting worse.
    Dromiceiomimus: *sigh*
    Dromiceiomimus: Yeah.
    T-Rex: And TURNS OUT, this means some parts of your body will LITERALLY START FALLING APART. Including your GOSH-DARNED EYES!!

    Utahraptor: Sorry, what? My EYES will soon FALL APART?
    T-Rex: Oh, NOBODY TOLD YOU?? It was a BIG SECRET??

    T-Rex: As you age collagen at the back of your eye can just PEEL OFF and DETACH FROM YOUR RETINA and FLOAT AROUND INSIDE YOUR EYES FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! When it happens you'll see a flash and a GIANT NEW FLOATER IN YOUR VISION that'll remain there FOREVER, but your brain SHOULD eventually learn to ignore it??

    Off panel: Okay, OBVIOUSLY our bodies are an unending nightmare, but surely the chance of this happening is low! 10%? 25%?
    T-Rex: By your sixties it's SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT, Utahraptor!!
    Off panel: Oh GOD.
    Off panel: THIS CURSÈD KNOWLEDGE SHOULD'VE REMAINED SECRET FOREVER


  • Comic 2233 from June 22nd, 2012:
    T-Rex: SCIENCE FACT: you are covered in ants. They move to the other side when you look at your body so you can't see them, but their chitinous bodies blanket you.

    Narrator: SECRETS OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION

    Dromiceiomimus: Wait, I thought it was spiders, not ants!
    T-Rex: Really? I heard ants. I mean, it could be spiders AND ants though for all I know!
    T-Rex: Let's - let's say it's both.

    Utahraptor: Dude! It's centipedes, but they've got the HEAD of a spider!
    T-Rex: Ohhhh! That makes sense!

    T-Rex: But then what about the colossal centipedes with the lamprey mouths at each end?
    Utahraptor: Oh, those are the ones living coiled inside us, secretly digesting our food and then WE live off their poops, but it's SO GROSS that when scientists discovered that they were all, "NOPE, I'M OUT"

    Off panel: "QUICK, TELL EVERYONE THAT THOSE ARE 'INTESTINES' AND THAT THEY'RE TOTALLY NORMAL"
    Off panel: "OKAY! QUITTING SCIENCE FOREVER NOW"
    Off panel: "RAD, ME TOO, LATES"


  • Comic 2106 from December 16th, 2011:
    T-Rex: Is it Friday? That's great, because Friday is a good day for secrets, and it's the BEST day for

    Narrator: SECRETS OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION

    T-Rex: This one's for humans only! When a human has a baby, it travels through one of them human birth canals, and then doctors measure and weigh and clean baby up, and then bring thon back to the mom. They'll also give the baby eye ointment! But why would a child need eye meds right after birth?
    Dromiceiomimus: Maybe they have dry eye dise-
    T-Rex: STDs. They're for STDs, Dromiceiomimus. You know: gonorrhea, chlamydia. The usual!

    Utahraptor: It's so the babies don't get them?
    T-Rex: It's so the babies don't GO TOTALLY BLIND.

    T-Rex: These STDs are bacteria, and if baby gets 'em in the eye, bad things can happen! It's just a precaution. Mom can carry them and be asymptomatic, so better safe than sorry!
    Utahraptor: But isn't that terrible symbolism? "Mom is dirty and cannot be trusted; baby must be sterilized NOW no matter how clean Mom says she is"

    T-Rex: Oh man, that reminds me!! If there's one thing I never ever want to do in my life, it's get involved in an argument about birthing politics!
    T-Rex: Hah hah hah PHEW good thing I remembered


  • Comic 2043 from September 15th, 2011:
    T-Rex: Sometimes if you have a festering wound, doctors will prescribe maggots! Certain breeds only eat dead tissue and ignore healthy tissue, which cleans out the wound at a level a surgeon simply couldn't! NICE.

    Narrator: SECRETS OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION

    Dromiceiomimus: That's no secret, T-Rex! Maggot debridement has been around since antiquity.
    T-Rex: Sure, but not ALL maggots only eat dead tissue! Sometimes if you leave a wound untreated, maggots that eat ANYTHING will hatch and live there. It's gross. I think we can all agree that physical bodies are gross, Dromiceiomimus.
    Dromiceiomimus: No argument here

    Utahraptor: So go to the hospital and have them removed!
    T-Rex: Sure!

    T-Rex: But removing them can be tricky, as if they burst infection can follow. IF ONLY there was some secret way to lure maggots out of a wound, something SO DELICIOUS - so IRRESISTIBLE that not a single member of the animal kingdom can resist its wonderfu-
    Utahraptor: Is it bacon?
    T-Rex: It's bacon, yeah.

    Banner: BACON - Delicious in a sandwich - Great at wound maggot removal - Still 0 grams of trans fat per serving -


  • Comic 1819 from October 15th, 2010:
    T-Rex: What day is it? Friday? It must be Friday because it's time for more...

    Narrator: SECRETS OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION

    T-Rex: So what you do is tap someone on the head, between the eyes and above the nose! They'll reflexively blink each time you tap them until they get wise to your game, at which point they'll suppress the reflex and the blinking will stop. But until then, THEIR EYELIDS ARE AT YOUR MERCY. YOU CONTROL SOMEONE ELSE'S EYELIDS WITH YOUR MEREST WHIM.
    Dromiceiomimus: Neat, I guess!
    T-Rex: Pretty neat I guess, yeah!

    Utahraptor: So your secret is tap someone on the head and they'll blink? You must be fun at parties.
    T-Rex: That's only part of it!

    T-Rex: The other part is if they CONTINUE to blink after the first few taps, then that's one of the early symptoms of Parkinson's disease.
    Utahraptor: Holy crap!
    T-Rex: But it's not NECESSARILY Parkinson's. It could also be dementia! Or any number of progressive neurological illnesses, really.

    Narrator: THIS PANEL INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK
    Narrator: ON ACCOUNT OF HOW YOU ARE CURRENTLY TAPPING YOUR FACE


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